“Hello Dean.” I said, and Dean jumped as expected…hiding something behind his back.
There was some sort of perverse pleasure in doing that to him, even though Dean protested every time I did it. I always gave him the blank stare afterward, when what I really wanted to do was laugh maniacally, like one of the serial killers in Dean’s silly movies. I wasn’t even sure how to laugh, much less maniacally, but I knew that was what Gabriel would do in my place.
I didn’t do that, or any of the other things I longed to do because Dean seemed to like me the way I was. I didn’t really understand what he meant when he told me once to never change, but his words were enough so I didn’t.
I was here for a reason though; one I didn’t really want to bring up because I knew it would mean Dean would question himself yet again. The one thing that could cause me…or rather my vessel to want to do things I normally wouldn’t do.
“What?” Dean said, finally looking away from my intense gaze and looking behind him at the hidden object.
“Famine is back.” I said, as if that explained everything…and really it did.
“How? I’ve still got his ring.” Dean said, turning around quickly and bringing the hidden object to his mouth before turning back to me.
“I don’t know, but he is and…Dean are you on fire?” I said, seeing smoke rising from behind him.
“NO! I’m not. Just go away.” Dean said.
“But why is there smoke?” I said, sniffing the air experimentally.
The smell that filled my nose was familiar somehow, and I felt the same stirrings inside my vessel that I had felt before when all I wanted was every cheeseburger in the world. Famine had me again, but I didn’t yet understand what I craved this time.
Dean rolled his eyes and removed his hand from behind his back, holding the hidden object out toward me.
“It’s a damn cigarette, OK?” Dean said, flicking ashes off the end of it.
“I’ve never seen you smoke, Dean.” I said, my eyes following the cigarette instead of looking at Dean.
“I know. I used to when I was too young to know better, but today I just had to have one for some reason.” he said, with a look of disgust.
“Famine. He’s affecting you.” I said, not adding that he was apparently affecting me with the same craving.
A look of sudden comprehension flashed across Dean’s face, then he smiled and started to laugh.
“Why are you laughing, Dean? This is serious. We have to stop Famine.”
“I’m laughing because he is affecting me. Last time he didn’t. I guess I’m not broken anymore.” he said, throwing the cigarette onto the ground and crushing it with his boot.
When he immediately reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out another one my eyes followed and he noticed. I looked away, a strange feeling creeping over me, like I wanted to crawl out of my vessel. I held my hands out and they were shaking, something I had never experienced. Dean smiled as he watched me and pulled put another cigarette, bringing them both to his mouth and lighting them at once.
“I take it Jimmy used to smoke too?” he said after taking a deep breath and inhaling the smoke.
Reaching deep into Jimmy’s memories I found what I was looking for. He had.
“Yes, I believe so.” I said, my eyes watching the smoke trailing up to the night air.
“Then you’ll be needing this I think.” He said, handing me one of the cigarettes.
“How did you know?” I said, taking the cigarette and finding that my vessel seemed to know what to do with it.
“You have the same I’m about to jump out of my skin look I had this morning before I went to the store and bought the damn things.”
I put the cigarette to my mouth and inhaled deeply, feeling a rush of something familiar yet not at the same time. Dean looked at me strangely then exhaled with a rush, sending smoke spiraling up once again.
“Damn Cas, you were supposed to choke on it.” He said, looking disappointed that I hadn’t.
“Apparently, my vessel is accustomed to it.” I said and felt my mouth doing something strange.
Rings of smoke rose into the night, and I was shocked to find that I was doing it. I watched as they dissipated and then looked back to Dean.
“Well shit Cas, I never was able to do that.”
“I’m afraid I have no idea how I did it, it just…happened.” I said, wondering what other things my vessel could do that I had no knowledge of.
As if he was reading my mind Dean said, “What else is Jimmy hiding in there?”
I searched his memories again and realized that my vessel was awash in years of Jimmy’s suppressed wants and needs. Since I had rarely invaded Jimmy’s mind, keeping him as shielded as I could from the horrible things I put his body through, I was surprised to find that he was eager to succumb to the pull of Famine. He was speaking to me for the first time since I had taken him that night long ago. Do it!
“Apparently many things.” I said as I took another long drag from the cigarette, holding the smoke in my lungs and savoring what Jimmy told me was a head rush. Do what?
An amused look crossed Dean’s face and then he looked away, inspecting the fire on the end of his cigarette intently as if it held the answer to our Famine problem. I realized that an unmentionable part of me that I tended to ignore had made itself known, probably the reason for Dean’s amusement. Do it Cas!
“So Cas, how exactly do we get rid of Famine this time if he has no ring?” Dean said, a smile playing at the corners of his mouth.
Do what, Jimmy? “I- I’m uncertain. There is no….precedent.” I said, unable to concentrate on what Dean was saying with Jimmy talking to me at the same time.
“Are you OK Cas? You look a little shaky there.” Dean said, his smile giving way to a look of worry.
Come on Cas, you know you want to. I want to. DO IT! “I’m fine, Dean.” I said, my voice climbing an octave from my usual low growl.
“You don’t look fine.” Dean said, trying to suppress a laugh.
“Do WHAT?” I yelled, belatedly realizing I had said it out loud.
“Who are you talking to Cas?”
Do HIM. You know you want to. “N-no one.” I said as gruffly as possible, bringing the cigarette to my mouth only to find it had gone out during my inner conversation with Jimmy. Do WHAT to him…and who is HIM?
“Cas, what’s going on? You look some dude in a mental ward talking to himself.” Dean said, the worried look returning.
Fuck him into the mattress Cas. I’ll help. I flexed my grace and tried to suppress Jimmy, but Famine’s hold on him was stronger than I expected. My brow furrowed with the effort, and I staggered back like I had hit a wall. Dean stepped up and grabbed my shoulders to hold me up and his touch sent the aforementioned unmentionable body part into overdrive.
“NO!” I yelled again.
“Cas, I think you need to lie down. Have you been drinking too?” Dean said, sliding his arm around my waist and propelling me toward the motel room…the last place on earth I wanted to be.
Cas, the sexual tension between you two is killing me...just DO it. I pulled away from Dean and stood there bent over with my hands on my knees. Jimmy was getting stronger, and I had no idea how to quiet his voice in my head. I knew if I did not take control soon he would and I could tell from the strange stirrings in my body that Famine had firm control of him. I knew Jimmy was right though, I did want it…had wanted it for a long time…even without the not so gentle cattle prod that Famine was using on me at the moment.
See Cas, I’m right…you know you want it.
Jimmy, I CAN’T. It’s Famine that’s affecting us…all of us.
You can and you will, Cas. He wants it…even from the depths of the Twilight Zone you keep me in I can see it.
Are you sure he wants it also?
Ah ha! You said also. Come on Cas…let’s do this while I can enjoy it too. Yes, I’m sure he wants it …he wants it bad.
But what about you, Jimmy? You aren’t…gay.
No, but if you look hard into those memories you’ll see that Amelia and I used to…well I’ll let you see for yourself.
Looking once more through the years of memories I saw Jimmy with a man I didn’t recognize and Amelia. Somehow Amelia looked pleased that she was sandwiched between them, even though the position didn’t look comfortable in the least. Obviously Jimmy had not let his devotion to my Father stop him from partaking in some rather dubious extracurricular activities.
“NO, I can’t!” I yelled, meaning to say it to Jimmy but once again saying it out loud.
I was so focused on my conversation with Jimmy that I had completely forgotten Dean was standing there. I let out a surprised grunt as he threw me over his shoulder and headed for the motel, trailing the smoke of yet another cigarette behind us.
Hey, kinky Cas! He’s gonna carry us into the room and throw us on the bed.
When did I become us?
I’ve always been here Cas, you just didn’t take advantage of it.
Yes, Cas. Dean will shit bricks and fart rainbows before it is over.
Jimmy, I don’t understand what you just said, but I do know it is unbecoming an Angelic vessel.
Devout doesn’t mean I’m dead. God gave us sex for a reason. Fuck him into the mattress. You’ll find out what Heaven feels like.
I know very well what Heaven feels like, Jimmy. It’s Famine…he is affecting you!
Heaven on earth then…quit fighting me and just do it. If Famine is what it takes then so be it. Send him some flowers in the morning for me.
Why would I want to send Famine flowers?
You’ll see. Come ON Cas.
Dean opened the door to the room and deposited me none too gently on the bed. He stood back, looking at me curiously. I looked at myself in the mirror above the bed, idly wondering why humans needed them on the ceiling. After a moment I met Dean’s gaze and then looked away as I sat up, waiting for some guidance from Jimmy.
Ask him for another cigarette.
“Dean, I think I need another cigarette.” I said, looking at him uncertainly.
Dean reached into his shirt pocket and pulled one out, lighting it in one smooth motion and holding it out to me. I took it from him with a still shaky hand and inhaled deeply.
Now watch his eyes, Cas.
I fixed Dean eyes with mine as my mouth made those strange motions again and smoke rings began to waft toward the ceiling. He wasn’t watching the smoke rings this time, he was watching my mouth.
Now look at his crotch.
Looking down as Jimmy had instructed I could see that I was not the only one having problems with that. I expected Dean to turn away and hide it as I had seen him do when Sam walked in on him watching porn, but he didn’t.
Get up and kiss him.
I don’t know how…and what if he doesn’t kiss back?”
He will…and you do know…or I do…just do it?”
Dean’s eyes narrowed as I got up, taking one last drag on the cigarette before putting it out in the ashtray on the nightstand. I guessed Jimmy was the reason I knew how to do that.
I felt Jimmy take over and my eyes watched my right hand reach up to cup Dean’s jaw. I suddenly realized I knew a little of how Jimmy felt everyday. I was possessed by something I had no control over. I expected Dean to jerk away, but he raised his own hand and placed it over mine as if giving me permission.
His eyes never left mine as I brought my lips to his and brushed them lightly, then harder as I felt Dean begin to kiss back. He teased at my lower lip with his tongue and my possessed lips parted to allow him in. As his tongue explored I felt a release and knew I was in control again. Dean moaned softly as my tongue began to explore as well.
Wait Jimmy. You can’t leave now!
I’m here. I’ll step in if you need me, but I think you can take it from here. I‘m just going to sit back and enjoy the ride. Right now I don’t mind being chained to this particular comet.
Dean grabbed my tie and pulled me down onto the bed, somehow removing my trench coat and throwing it to the floor as we fell backwards together. Suddenly Dean’s hands were everywhere at once, trying to remove my many layers of clothing. I decided to make it easier and with a thought our clothes were in a neat pile on the other bed.
Dean’s eyes went wide as he saw my naked body for the first time and he reached out to explore it gently with his hands. I had been unable to fully heal the scar of the sigil that we had carved into my chest before our showdown with the Angels in Van Nuys and I moaned softly as Dean slowly traced it with a finger.
“Dean, it’s Famine…we can’t…it’s just Famine’s influence.” I said, looking into his eyes worriedly.
“I’ll send Famine a thank you gift in the morning, just shut up Cas.” Dean said, brushing my lips with his finger.
I took a deep breath I didn’t need and looked inward to Jimmy for guidance. What if he regrets this in the morning? And why does everyone want to send Famine a gift?
Cas, he won’t. Trust me on this. I’ve been watching for a long time. Just get your hands moving. You’ll want to send one too.
I sighed and looked at Dean, but of course I knew every inch of his body already, since I was tasked with putting it back together once I had raised him from perdition. I brushed the freckles I had scattered across his nose gently, then raised my hand to place it on the scar that I had left on his shoulder. When I was reassembling him I had done it as a mechanic would have replaced parts on a car, detached and focused on my task. I had no thoughts then other than recreating the shell of the man I had been ordered to save.
Now I took the time to savor the touch, the feel, of every part of the man before me. As my hand settled on that special place…my maker’s mark…the small part of my grace that had remained within Dean reacted to my touch, sending a wave of energy surging through us both.
A confused look from Dean over my shoulder made me turn to see that my wings, normally invisible in this plane, were now shimmering brightly in the light of the Full Moon that was coming in through the window. This was as surprising to me as it was to him, since I had not consciously tried to make them appear.
“May I…touch them?” he said softly, his hand poised just inches away from the leading edge of my right wing.
I nodded and swallowed hard, knowing that his touch on my wings would be my undoing. He touched them hesitantly at first and I trembled as he began to stroke the soft down feathers. Following the curve of the alula and down, he then carded his fingers softly through my primaries. Little flashes of light danced between his fingers and my feathers as my Grace reached out for Dean.
“They are so beautiful.” Dean said, his eyes glittering in the reflected light from them.
Moving around behind me Dean began to stroke then where they erupted from Jimmy’s back and I moaned loudly. What he didn’t know was that there was a small area where my true form joined with Jimmy’s that he could actually touch me…not just my wings but me. It had never occurred to me that Dean would be able to interact with me in my true form after my abortive attempts when I raised him.
Reaching back to find his hand I guided him to that place and shivered violently as he touched…me…not Jimmy’s body…mine. A loud clap of thunder sounded outside and the room vibrated around us as his touch lingered there, and yet again it surprised me. I was very close to losing control. I heard Dean gasp and felt his hand retreat, immediately missing his touch. I turned to face him and he looked into my eyes as if searching for something.
“That was…you...” he said, trailing off and looking at his hand.
“Yes, Dean…that was…me.”
“I can’t compete with that.” Dean said, his eyes suddenly sad.
“What do you mean?”
“The feeling…when I touched you…there’s nothing I can do that will give you anything near that. I’m just human.”
“You heard the thunder?” I said softly.
“Yeah. So there’s a storm coming…what of it?” Dean said, tensing up as if he already regretted our actions.
“That wasn’t a storm…that’s what you did to me when you touched me…there.”
Dean’s eyes widened and he turned me away to touch me there once again, but this time with something other than his hand. It took me a moment to realize that it was his erection. He moaned as my Grace reached out to him and then I felt him pull himself closer to me and reach around to touch my now painfully throbbing erection.
As he pushed against me and worked me gently I felt Jimmy come back to life inside, his moans filling my mind until I couldn’t hold it in anymore. A clap of thunder shook the building to its foundation, and I heard Dean making the most inhuman sound I had ever heard. A heavenly combination of human voice, my true voice, and somehow Jimmy’s rang through the room and the mirror above the bed shattered, raining glistening shards down around us.
Reacting instinctively I turned to Dean as I felt my release and his, my wings wrapping around the two of us for protection from the deadly shards of glass. Inside the cocoon of my wings Dean opened his eyes and looked at me, panting from his exertions. I found I was panting as well, even though I had no real need for air. Not knowing what to do I just sat there staring into his bottomless green eyes.
After what seemed like hours but was in actuality only seconds Dean brushed his lips gently against mine then trailed his finger across them before laying his head on my shoulder. I hesitated before encircling him with my arms. As I drew him closer a low rumble of thunder sounded outside again as the feeling of our closeness permeated to my core.
No Heaven could ever duplicate this feeling…genuinely human earthly closeness…my Grace having retreated to the innermost recesses of its confinement deep within Jimmy’s body. For a brief moment I felt human, enjoying the feel of skin against skin and the ghosting of Dean’s breath across my shoulder. I finally understood why humans desired this closeness, even in the absence of intercourse.
Dean jolted upright as his phone rang and I released him, not wanting the moment to end, but knowing that with Famine on the loose Dean would probably answer it since I knew the call was from Sam. I folded my wings back and released him completely, restoring the mirror with a thought as Dean rolled off the bed. I remained as I was, not knowing what to do with myself.
“Hello.” Dean croaked into the phone as he put it on speaker, his voice somewhat ragged from the screams earlier.
“What the hell is wrong with your voice?” Sam asked.
“Nothing…just a little sore throat.” Dean said, shooting a glare in my direction.
“I’ve been trying to call you for an hour to let you know that Bobby and I got Famine…he had partnered up with some witch to give him the power of the ring. When we got the witch he just disappeared again.” Sam said.
“So no Famine for the last hour, huh?” Dean said, a puzzled look on his face to match mine.
“Nope, but we probably need to look into what has been going on near you. Just read reports online of a massive thunderstorm, with power outages covering the entire county. Just came out of nowhere without a cloud in sight. Probably why I couldn’t get through.”
“Probably.” Dean said, looking at me with a slight grin on his face.
I was relieved that he was smiling. I wasn’t really sure what to expect after the events that had just transpired.
“I got this Sam, Cas is here. We’ll…um…research it and see what we can find out.” Dean continued with a wink in my direction.
“You have power where you are?” Sam asked, his tone somewhat suspicious after hearing that I was present.
“Um…no.” Dean lied. “We’ll check into it in the morning…maybe the power will be back on by then.”
“OK, well…as long as you are OK. I’ll check back tomorrow.” Sam said, obviously still not convinced Dean was telling him everything.
Dean pocketed his phone and stared at me, then down at himself and finally to the neat pile of clothing on the other bed.
“So Cas…that’s um sex with an Angel.”
“Apparently.” I said, not really knowing anything about other Angels’ interactions with humans although I assumed that Balthazar had certainly partaken.
“And it wasn’t all Famine….hmmmm.” Dean said as a thoughtful look crossed his face.
“I suppose not.”
“And what exactly made you kiss me?”
“Jimmy.” I answered simply.
“Famine. Somehow Jimmy felt the effects as strongly as I did. He was able to talk to me. He…ah…talked me into it.”
“Jimmy…you wouldn’t have wanted to do it if he hadn’t been affected?” Dean said, his eyes filling with what I took to be sadness.
“No…I mean yes. I wouldn’t have acted on my desire without his help…and Famine’s.”
“He still talking?”
“No, not since the…uh…climax.”
“Well if he does…thank him for me.” Dean said, breaking into a huge smile.
I relaxed a bit when he smiled and snapped my fingers, dressing myself and Dean.
“What did you do that for?” Dean said, looking down at his clothing in irritation.
“I assumed you would prefer clothing to standing around naked.” I said, wondering if I had done something wrong.
“I don’t think so…we have some sleeping to do now. Don’t need clothes for that.”
“You want me to stay? I don’t sleep.” I said, wondering why Dean would want me to stay. There was really no point since I didn’t require sleep.
“Yes, I want you to stay. I…would like to wake up with you beside me in the morning.” Dean said, his expression changing to one of deep thought.
“What are you thinking Dean?” I said, unsure of why he would want me there in the morning.
“Because, I love you. I have for a long time, but I just…couldn’t bring myself to admit it.”
I immediately understood what humans meant when they said their heart lept. I had ignored my feelings for Dean for so long, the feeling those words gave me made it feel as if my heart…Jimmy’s heart…was going to beat right out of my chest.
“I love you too Dean.” I said, feeling a great sense of relief that I had finally voiced my feelings.
“So get rid of the clothes again and let’s go to sleep…or whatever it is that you do when I’m sleeping.” Dean said, moving to the bed and drawing me up into another kiss.
I kissed him back hungrily, wanting him as badly as I had ever wanted anything in my existence. As we climbed back into bed and he wrapped his arms around me I felt…safe. It was strange to think that a human could make me feel that way, but I felt as if nothing could touch me as long as he was holding me.
Dean drifted off to sleep and I felt a strange sensation like the world was shutting down around me. I looked up and realized that mirrors on the ceiling did have a purpose as I took in the sight of our bodies resting against each other. Perhaps we could take advantage of the erotic possibilities of it tomorrow? As I listened to his rhythmic breathing the strange feeling continued to tug at me until I realized that I was being taken by sleep as well. I nestled deeper into Dean’s arms with a satisfied hum as it took me for the first time.
Dean and Jimmy were right. I should send Famine a gift in the morning from all of us.