Chapter 1: New Kids in Town
I sat impatiently at my desk, tapping a pencil on the open page of my chemistry book. My parents had told me that a friend of theirs was sending their son and his cousin to South Park to live with us for a few weeks while they sorted out some family issues. I had been told all sorts of stories about the boy and his cousin and the curiosity was killing me. The pencil flew out of my hand when the phone started ringing. I reached for it, but the ring got cut off before I could pick it up.
'Guess Mom got it.' I thought, trying to refocus on my homework. But seriously, this unit conversions thing just didn't make sense. I slouched back down into my chair and flipped the page of the textbook. 'What the hell is a 'mol?''
"Stan! Phone!" I grabbed the phone off my desk and took it over to my bed, lying down before answering.
"Hey asshole, what's goin on?"
"What do you want, fatass?"
"AY! I'm not fat I'm big-boned!"
I waited for Cartman to continue, he always did when we didn't argue back.
"I got a new game, but it's a multiplayer, and CPU players suck ass."
"Why don't you ask Kenny then?"
"Cause Kenny's a poor piece of crap. OW! Kenneh, you hit me!" I could hear Kenny's muffled response over the phone. I rolled over onto my stomach and waited for Cartman's attention to be returned to the phone. Not really caring about Cartman's game, I decided to hang up, but then I heard Kenny's voice coming through the receiver.
"Stan, it's a four-player. We invited Butters too."
"…But Cartman HATES Butters…with a passion."
"I know. Its Butters' game."
I rolled my eyes. Typical Cartman. "I can't, there are these two guys coming over to stay with us for a while and I'm supposed to be here when they arrive." There was a cry of 'Kenneh, gimme the phone!' and then Butters' 'Oh jeeze, you guys are fightin again.' I heard more struggling before Kenny's voice returned.
"Sounds like a party." Kenny laughed at me over the phone.
I sighed again.
"I'll be right over."
"Huh? Ken—Kenny?" I hung up once that loud beeping started, signaling that my friend had hung up long ago. "God dammit, Kenny." I couldn't help but smile at the phone as I placed it back into its base. Kenny was always doing things on his own agenda. I looked down at the open book on my desk and frowned. 'Well, I guess I should at least PRETEND I was doing something.' I swiveled the desk chair around and sat down in it backwards, facing the accursed unit conversions.
"…3 moles of Carbon gas is equivalent to how many particles…hmmm…why the hell am I learning this, I'm only in the 8th freakin grade. Damn you Garrison…" I placed the pencil beneath my nose and curled my upper lip around it, holding it in place.
Several minutes had passed and I was still on the same problem.
"Stan," My mother called in a singsong voice, "they're here!"
'Finally, an excuse to get away from this boring shit.' I jumped from my chair and sped into the bathroom, almost tripping over the cots we had set up for them. I took off my hat and rinsed off my face and ran a hand through my hair a couple of times. "Stan? Stan did you hear me?" Mom called again.
"Yeah Mom, I'll be down in a second!" I reached for my toothbrush after realizing that I hadn't brushed since yesterday morning. Gross.
"Now, Stanley!" I ran the brush over my teeth to at least get rid of some of that gross overnight crap and ran downstairs. I slowed down a bit upon reaching the living room, took a deep breath and composed myself, getting ready to pull of that 'I'm the cool guy around here' attitude before entering the room. I sauntered in, pulling off a pretty good show. Too bad no one was watching, the guests had their backs facing me, their bags were at their feet, and they were talking to my parents. I frowned at this and tried to get their attention by making a small, but noticeable, background noise. I had intended upon kicking the table leg as I approached, but wound up with a face full of Persian rug nastiness. A shriek that wasn't mine resonated throughout the room. I stood up and tried to ignore my burning face as the guests, whose faces I still hadn't seen and didn't really want to look at at the moment, were trying to stifle their laughter.
"Nice entrance Stan. Way to make a good first impression." I whirled around at Kenny's voice to see that Kenny, Butters, and Cartman were all standing in the front door, apparently having just let themselves in.
"God dammit." I muttered under my breath.
"Stanley I told you that our guests would be arriving today and that you weren't allowed to have your little friends over."
"I didn't invite them, they just came." I kept my eyes on the ground, still not ready to face the newcomers.
"It's true Mrs. Marsh. Sorry about that." Mom looked at Kenny skeptically, but she was used to his ways by now. Kenny walked up to the two new guys and offered his hand. "Hey, name's Kenny. Kenny McCormick." Kenny was still wearing the orange parka (he'd had it replaced several times since we were in the 3rd grade, we had just entered the 8th grade) and although we all could understand, I doubted the new kids could. I imagined that the two were looking at Kenny like 'what the fuck is he saying?' and I tried not to laugh.
"Kenny, take off your hood, they can't understand you." My eyes dared a glance at their feet. They had turned around and were facing the four of us. My head snapped back down to my feet. I'm such a freaking pussy.
"Oh, right." Kenny removed his hood and reintroduced himself, once again offering his hand as if he was a perfect gentleman introducing himself to two fine ladies. "And that klutz is Stan, the blonde kid in the corner is Butters."
"Hey there! Welcome to South Park!"
"And that's Fatass."
"Also known as Eric, but we all call him Cartman."
"Nice to meet you. My name is Kyle, and this is my cousin, Tweek." The kid's voice was nice, a bit high for a guy though.
"Nrgh! It's very n-nice to meet you! Gah!" Tweek's voice was also high, a bit lower than his cousin's however. Well, I supposed it was, his voice was strained which made it hard to judge. What kind of tripped up name is Tweek anyway? And what's with the shrieking, is he, like, schizophrenic or on Speed or something?
I finally took this opportunity to get over myself and look at 'Kyle' and 'Tweek.' The boy, who I guessed was Tweek cause he was twitching like he really washigh on Speed, was about 4'8" with the blondest hair I'd ever seen, and big, bright green eyes. He kinda looked like a baby deer that was caught in the headlights of an 18-wheeler. I shifted my eyes over to the other boy, Kyle. He was about 4'10" but with bright red curly hair that reached his chin and almost covered his eyes. He wore a green ushanka and, like his cousin, had enormous green eyes, but his were different. Deeper in color, and it felt like I was getting sucked into their shining depths.
"Uhh, Stan? You alright dude?" It took a while before it registered that Kenny was the one who had called my name.
'Quick you idiot, think of something!'
I started stuttering before I finally got out a coherent sentence, "Here, let me take your bags up to your room." I picked up Kyle's duffel bag and pulled at the handle of his rolling suitcase.
"I'll help you." Kenny grabbed one Tweek's slightly larger bags. While Butters silently followed suit and grabbed Tweek's other bag. "Cartman, you lazy dick-hole! Help Stan with the bags!"
"No way Kenny, you black asshole. I just came over so we could play Grand Theft Auto 4. But since Stan's too busy actin like a fag—"
"Just shut up and help us, fatass." Kenny said while readjusting his grip on the large, black suitcase.
"For the last time, don't call me fat, butt-fucker! Screw you guys, I'm going home!" I rolled my eyes at his signature phrase and just continued to heft the heavy luggage up the stairs by myself. We got to my room and I nudged it open with a foot.
"Here we are. I'm sorry you guys can't get your own room, we don't have a guest bedroom. Well, we do, but my grandpa lives in it, but I guess I could sleep downstairs for a while or at least until you guys get comfortable." I was running my mouth off like an idiot and I knew it, but I wanted to make a good impression (though failing miserably at it, it seemed).
"No, it's ok. We really appreciate what you're doing for us. I'd feel terrible if we kicked you out of your room." Kyle had walked in behind me and was taking a quick sweep around the room, glancing at the walls and my posters. Including the one of Terrance and Philip.
"Yeah, man. It's cool." Tweek, who had seemed to calm down tremendously, had joined his cousin in the surveillance of his new quarters.
"Ah, dude! You like Terrance and Philip!" Kyle exclaimed, and I felt my cheeks flush. He probably thought it was juvenile of me to still like that show with its 'potty-humor.'
"N-No, that's an old poster. I just haven't taken it down yet…" 'Stan Marsh, you are pathetic.'
I looked at him for a moment, he seemed a little crestfallen. "Ok, that was a lie, I still like it…" I admitted.
"I have their movie 'Asses of Fire,' have you seen it?" He walked over and knelt down to open the duffel bag I had dropped by one of the cots and pulled out the DVD.
"Hell yeah I've seen it. Dude that was like the best movie ever!" I had to practically bite my lip to keep from bursting out into song.
"Hey! Muh-Maybe we could all watch it together!" I jumped at Butters' sudden intrusion to our conversation. I had forgotten that the others were still in the room, or that they even still existed for that matter.
"Yeah, sounds cool to me!" Kenny said, leaning against the doorway.
"We could watch it at my house!" Now that voice was a surprise.
"I thought you went home, Cartman."
"What's it to you, hippie? I have to see if these guys are cool enough." I just glared at him, but then he had this look, a look that anyone who knew him wanted to avoid. That look meant he had an idea. "But, we can't just let them hang out with us, not yet anyway."
"Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?" I motioned to Kenny to remove his hood so Kyle and Tweek could understand what he was saying. He repeated himself.
"They still have yet to be initiated." All of us , sans Butter, looked at him as if he were a Picasso painting: our heads tilted and our brows creased with a lack of understanding.
"Look it's simple: you guys just have to prove that you're not total pussies and take up a really embarrassing dare."
"Ergh, oh god, a dare?" The Tweek kid started twitching again. I guess his twitching was triggered by stress or something.
"Tweek, calm down." Kyle said, putting his hands on Tweek's shoulders and massaging them. We all kinda watched, not sure what to make of what was going on.
"Kyle, can I have some coffee?"
"No, Tweek. Caffine only makes you worse."
"…Anyway," Cartman replied, trying to get over the slightly awkward atmosphere, "you guys will be dared by the four of us. And there is no 'spin-the-barrel,' and you must sign a written agreement that clearly states that you agreed to partake in this dare."
Kyle and Tweek exchanged a look that clearly said 'is this guy for real?'
"Oh, and if you don't do it then you're a pussy."
"Argh! I'm no pussy!" Tweek exclaimed, his cheeks were turning slightly red.
"Do we have a taker?"
"Tweek!" Kye exclaimed, "Don't let this guy get to you. We have no reason to take this dare."
"So you admit you're a pussy little fag."
"Cartman!" I wanted to defend the poor guy, "He's right, what reason would he have to take the dare? You just want to see the new guys get humiliated in front of the entire school."
"Think about it Stan, if they say Cartman put them up to it,…"
"True, people will probably be more accepting since it's Cartman…"
"Ay, what's that supposed to mean?"
Tweek and Kyle looked hopelessly lost, they had no idea what was going on, or what the hell we were talking about.
"Tweek, I don't know if it's a good idea."
"They seem like nice people, I'm willing to do this dare if it means hanging out with them."
"Well, Tweek, I'm glad to see you've got the balls to accept the dare. How about you Kyhl? Will you accept my—"
"Alright, alright. If Tweek's doing it then I will too." I looked over at Cartman to see he had a terrifying grin cracked across his face. It was gentle and businesslike. Creepy.
To Be Continued . . .
Chapter 2: Cartman's "Gay Ass" Dare
"Ok Guys, let's go decide upon their fate. Stan, you stay here to make sure they don't spy or eaves drop or anything of the sort." Cartman was looking down at his nails with a smug smile on his face while he said this. He looked up at Tweek and Kyle and his smile turned into a smirk, causing both of them to shrink back a bit (I'm guessing its cause Cartman's 'smile' creeps them out). Tweek let out a 'GAH' and pulled at his unevenly buttoned shirt, twitching ferociously. 'Jesus Cartman is gonna give this poor kid a heart attack!' But then it registered that he had said something to me.
"What? Why me? Why not Butters? I wanna help with the dare too!"
"No, you're gonna suggest a bunch of lame dares. You always do."
"What? They are!" He replied, smirking. I had expected that from Cartman, but not Kenny. I just hoped that when I turned around someone could pull the knife out of my back. Ok, so that was a little melodramatic, but I've always wanted to use it since I saw the Coke Zero commercial. I guess now was a bad time, a bit of a waste now that I think about it.
I puffed out my cheeks childishly, and I caught Kyle rolling his eyes out of the corner of my eye. I turned around to call him on it, but only saw him smiling, body twitching with a restrained giggle. I glared at him, only to receive a soft chuckle out of him. I flushed and crossed my arms, looking at the ground. Yep, I sure was giving off that 'I'm the cool guy around here' attitude now.
"Not lamer than Butters…" I added feebly. The three of them exited the room and I just stared at the closed door before walking back over to my desk, eyeing my homework warily. 'Oh that's right. I still have chemistry homework.' I looked down at the problems I still had to do and sighed for what seemed like the umpteenth time that day. I sat down and pretended to get back to work. I could hear zippers being undone and figured that our guests of about 30 minutes were unpacking. I jumped when I felt a finger gently tap on my shoulder only a moment later.
"Whatchya doing?" I looked past Kyle to see that he had already organized all his belongings. Maybe it wasn't a moment later that he tapped me shoulder, how long had I been spacing?
"Really? You too? Jesus Christ, we're only in the 8th grade. This stuff is meant for, like, high schoolers." I looked at him, surprised. Were there really kids out there who had to suffer through teachers similar to Mr. Garrison? Those poor kids; hopefully they didn't have to have him for 5 consecutive (or just 5 period) years of their life. I had always wondered how that had happened, being with Garrison for so long, as long he doesn't follow us to college…oh God…
"I know, dude. God dammit I hate Mr. Garrison."
"Our teacher. He's been with us since 3rd grade."
"I know right! We've had the same teacher for 5 years!"
"You guys only have one teacher for all your subjects right?"
"Yeah, why? You don't?"
"No way man, I'm from Chicago. We have a different teacher every hour." I slouched down in my seat. Life was so unfair. If they had a teacher they hated, they would only have to see him for about 45 minutes each day instead of the 7 hours I had to endure with that gay-bashing homo. Contradictory, I know.
"Hey, maybe I can help you. I have a fair understanding of it."
"Oh, yeah that'd be cool."
"I'm not great at it, but I'll try."
"Argh—Don't be so modest Kyle." We both jumped at Tweek's voice. Or at least that's how I want to remember it. I think I was the only one who, pardon the pun, tweaked out when he spoke up. "You're really smart. You always understand the homework. Gah-ha!"
"Yeah, he's an ideal student." I noticed a slight blush on the apples of Kyle's cheeks and I smirked at him.
"Oh really?" I encouraged Tweek to continue by waving my hand in front of me as if saying 'go on.'
"W-Well, he gets straight A's, and he's really good at track and b-BAS-ketball."
I looked over at Kyle; I didn't even try to hide how impressed I was. My eyebrows were hidden beneath my hat they had gone so high. Kyle however was not amused and was staring at his cousin. I translated his look into a look of 'say one more word and I'll smote you where you stand.'
"A-And he's really popular. Even—" Kyle ran forth and tackled his cousin to the cot and started attacking him mercilessly. He was tickling Tweek's sides and stomach and underneath his chin.
"K-Ky ha-ha-ha s-s-stah-ha-ha-ha! Stop it!" Kyle was now straddling his hips while Tweek flailed his legs and tried to push him away with his arms.
"Never!" I looked on with a huge smile on my face, and I decided I couldn't help but laugh along. Eventually they stopped; Tweek's face was flushed and he had tears in his eyes. He rubbed his sleeve roughly across his eyes before smiling at his cousin. Kyle ruffled his hair and stood up off the cot.
"Never gets old. Still want help?" I nodded an affirmative and turned back towards my desk, the back to the swivel chair between my legs. Kyle stepped up beside me and pointed to the problem I'd been 'working' on.
"Ok, converting moles into particles is simple. You just have to remember the formula." I nodded. Kind of understanding, but I couldn't remember the formula. I looked down at the page, but I didn't really see the problems, only Kyle's hand. They were pale, but soft looking with long fingers. 'I wonder if he plays piano.' I was having other such thoughts until I realized something. 'Oh, crap, he's still talking.'
"…which equals?" Shit, I hadn't been listening.
"Oh, right. You'd need a calculator, but I guess you can multiply 3 by 6.02 X 10^23 in your head pretty easily." I think I blinked at him stupidly, I don't quite remember. He sighed, "It'd be 1.806 X 10^24." I looked at him, officially lost. Our eyes locked and I noticed once again how incredibly green they were.
"Wo…hah…" My mind effectively detached itself from my mouth. It was then, thank god, that Cartman burst into my room with a satisfied smirk plastered on his fat face.
"Ok, Kyhl and…Tweek was it? We have finished your dare. Stan, would you let us type up the dare on your computer please?"
I looked at Cartman; my brain was still reinstating its connection to my mouth so I just nodded.
Cartman's fat ass kicked me out of my chair, so I decided I would make myself comfortable on my bed. Kyle and Tweek sat down on their respective cots while Kenny, Butters, and Cartman all typed up a document on my computer. The three of us stared while the three of them bickered over some detail.
"Nrhg—Are you guys done yet?"
"Hang on Tweek, we're almost done. Just checking to make sure Cartman didn't change anything."
"Don't put me at your level Kinny."
"You fucking fatass, Cartman. I couldn't get down to your level no matter how hard I tried."
"You could kill a baby."
"Killing a baby would only get me a quarter of the way there, Stan."
I shrugged and lay back down, but not without laughing at Tweek's horrified expression.
"OH MY GOD! YOU'VE KILLED BABIES! GAH! JESUS CHRIST MAN!"
"Tweek, calm down, they were just kidding." Kyle was up and massaging Tweek's shoulders again.
"Well, actually I kil—" The death glare that Kyle shot at Cartman made MY blood run cold. Who knew that he'd be capable of such a glare?
"Uh, yeah. Just kidding." Kenny, Butters and I looked at Cartman, but it was Kenny that voiced our shared thought, "Who the hell are you, and what have you done with Cartman?"
"Oh uh well, ahem. Let's get to this shall we?" Cartman printed the document they had been working on and all eyes were on my printer as it squeaked, moaned, and eventually crapped out Kyle and Tweek's fate.
Cartman made a show of placing the document in the middle of the floor so we could all circle around it. It took the three of us a moment, but when we finished it we all looked up at Cartman with disbelief.
"Are you serious?" I couldn't help my gaping mouth. "And you called MY dares lame?"
"Shut up hippie. This dare is genius!"
"No it isn't! Dude, this idea has been thought up a million times over!"
Cartman closed his eyes and let out a sigh, "Stan, you're being a Negative Nancy. And unless you cut that out, you'll be known as Negative Nancy from now on."
"But seriously Cartman, I was expecting more of you…"
Cartman closed his eyes before speaking, "Ok guys, since Nancy obviously has some sand up her vagina, I don't think she should be a part of the dare."
"Cartman, just get on with it." I tapped my foot impatiently for emphasis.
"Alright already, Jesus Christ." Cartman handed me the document.
I, _____________, and I, _____________, hereby agree to dress up as a female for an entire month. We are not allowed to tell anyone about the dare unless they figure it out on their own. We are not allowed to show anyone our true identities as means of having someone 'accidentally' find out. We must also wear the clothes outside of school, in public, and in private. We are also required to flirt with at least 3 males in the presence of Eric Cartman, Kenny McCormick, Leopold Stotch, or Stan Marsh cause that would be really funny to watch.
I laughed at the break of formality in the agreement and continued to read what was left.
We are to talk and act like girls and use the female bathroom.
"Dude!" Kyle cried. Tweek shrieked and tugged on his shirt again.
We must also befriend several girls and do with them whatever it is that girls do. Also, if a guy asks us on a date we are required to give a positive response, and we have to tell either Cartman, Marsh, McCormick, or Stotch that we'll be participating in a romantic outing so we can spy on you and laugh about it. We are not allowed to back out of the dare, unless an unexpected situation arises in which we must first contact a Mr. Eric Cartman. After fulfilling this dare, we are permitted to explain, in full detail, that this had all been a dare. We understand that we are not to hold Kenny McCormick, Leopold Stotch, or Eric Cartman responsible for any of the dare's effects. And also, after completing this dare, we are officially allowed to be friends with Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick, and Leopold Stotch.
I looked over at him and Tweek with a mixture of pity and curiosity. I wondered how they would look as girls; they could probably pull it off ok.
"Your last chance to back out guys." Cartman waved the document and a pen in front of their faces haughtily, acting as if he already knew their answer.
The two cousins shared a look before Kyle spoke for the both of them, "We'll do it."
To Be Continued . . .
Chapter 3: Preparations Are Required
We all watched as Kyle and Tweek signed the document. I could've sworn that I saw Cartman wringing his hands deviously in the corner of my room. But I suppose that was to be expected.
"Ok, we've signed it." Cartman practically destroyed the contract when he ripped it out from under them.
"Jesus Tweek you write like a fourth grader…" Cartman commented as he scanned the document, "Wait, Kyle, your name's 'Broflovski?'"
"Yeah…why?" Kyle stood up from the floor and brushed off the knees of his pants, eyeing Cartman warily.
"So you're a no good Jew-rat. I should've known." Before I could blink, Kyle was in front of Cartman, practically biting his head off.
"Don't belittle my religion, fat ass!"
"Don't call me fat you money grubbing Jesus killer! Name calling gets people nowhere!"
"You hypocrite! And I JUST told you not to mock Jews! You've known me for barely an hour and you're already insulting me!"
"Whatever you—OW! Kinny! Don't hit meh!"
"Then shut up, you fat-titted ass wipe."
"Ay! Shut the fuck up you poor piece of sh—"
"C'mon fellas, we've got a dare to set up. Wuh-We shouldn't be wasting time, uh, hollerin at each other!" I smiled over at Butters, silently thanking him for breaking up the potential fight.
"Ah yes. Come along men. Gather your money, we've got some shopping to do!" Cartman said, almost as if he completely forgot about the fight and the seething red-head that was emitting a murderous aura. I kinda side-stepped away from him, not wanting to get caught in any possible cross-fire, but he calmed down when Tweek placed a hand on his shoulder and gave him a look, but I could tell he was still mad.
"I don't want to part take in this dare if it means being friends with THIS asshole!" Cartman turned around and smugly waved the signed contract in front of Kyle's face.
"Oh, I don't think that's going to be possible, Kyhl. You signed an agreement. You can't back out unless you take up the matter with me. Remember?"
"God dammit!" Kyle's fists were balled up at his sides and Tweek started to rub his shoulder. What was it with these two and shoulders anyway.
"Well, let's get going then, shall we?"
"Wait, if we go into 'chick stores' with Tweek and Kyle looking like dudes, and having them try on chicks' clothes, won't it look suspicious?" I pointed out; a flaw in the plan that Cartman had seemed to over look. He hadn't, however.
"Don't play me for a fool, Stan. We can just borrow your sister's clothes."
"ARE YOU INSANE!" Kyle and Tweek jumped at my outburst, but I suppose that was too be expected. They didn't know Shelly. I prayed that they wouldn't have to. Sure she was a senior in high school now, but that didn't chill her temper any. Not towards me anyway.
"No, but thanks for asking. I will ask Shelly myself so you don't have to get beat up again." Kyle looked at me with worry in his eyes.
"Your sister beats you?" I felt my face flush when those eyes caught mine, I didn't want Kyle to think I was more of a sissy than he probably already thought.
"J-Jesus Christ man, you've gotta tell someone!" Everyone just laughed and Kyle and Tweek looked at them as if they had gone mad.
Kenny walked over and placed a hand on each of their heads and gently ruffled Tweek's hair and patted Kyle's hat. He smiled down at them warmly, "Don't worry, a lot worse has happened in this town." They both looked up at him, they're eyes wide with their lips parted. Kyle had his hands balled up at his chest and Tweek was pulling at his shirt again. God damn you Kenny…
Why was I damning Kenny?
What did he do?
"Go do your thing Cartman." Kenny said over their heads. Cartman exited with the tip of an imaginary hat, shutting the door loudly behind him. Looking at the three of them together I noticed that Kenny absolutely TOWERED over Kyle and Tweek. He was 5' 5" even though he was only in Middle school. He told us that his Grandfather had been 6'6." The thought alone kinda scared me. I was only about 5 foot and Cartman was about an inch or two taller than me. Why did this matter? I have no idea.
"I don't hear any screams, I guess Cartman's doing alright." I looked at the wall that separated my room from Shelly's. Indeed, Kenny was right, not a sound. We stood in silence while we waited for Cartman to return. When he did he held a pile of clothes in his arms.
"Nice Cartman!" Kenny walked over and gave him a sturdy slap on the back. "Let's see the goods! Hope they're sexy…"
Our 5 voices formed together to create a loud "Kenny!" as he took the garments from Cartman's arms.
"What? You know I'm out and proud, and cross dressing's hot!" None of us really knew how to react to Kenny's statement since we'd never really seen any cross dressers except Mr. Gar…Mrs. Garrison (who is a 'Mr.' again as of now) if that counts. And that was DEFINITELY NOT hot. In any way, shape, or form. "Well, 'girls,' it's time for you to get dressed!" Kenny cooed excitedly. I bet it took every ounce of his self-restraint to keep from drooling. "Actually…" He paused...For a really long time...
"What is it Kenny?" I asked, figuring that he just wanted one of us to ask.
"Could, maybe, I pick out your guises?" I could tell that Kyle was about to rebut, but Kenny looked so hopeful…
"Sure." Kyle agreed, though reluctantly and not without a huge sigh. Kenny looked down at Tweek, that same perverted hopefulness shimmering in his eyes. Tweek fidgeted for a while before looking up at Kyle. Kyle shrugged his shoulders at his cousin that I was guessing meant 'your choice.' I had barely known them for, I stole a glance at my clock, two hours and I was already pretty damn good at reading their body language…I think. Tweek looked back at Kenny and grabbed hold of his shirt again before nodding his consent. Kenny jumped into air with his signature 'Whoo-hoo!' and set about picking out their clothes.'God, Kenny. You know, sometimes you just fit into stereotypes a little too well…'
We watched as Kenny happily picked through the skirts, shorts, pants, and tops, humming as he did so. If that guy was gonna work at some design company dressing mannequins he'd make a pretty penny. He always managed to look good even with his limited clothing options. He stood up off the floor and smiled down at his handiwork.
"Alright. The one on the left is for Tweek, and the one on the right is for Kyle. I'll close my eyes." Kenny scooted back and slapped his hands over his eyes, and, being as obvious as possible, peeked between his fingers.
"Jesus Kenny, they're still guys." I said, rolling my eyes at my friend. Every time something perverted came up he would always start acting like he was a little kid again.
"Wuh-Well, m-maybe we should let them change in privacy. I mean, well, oh jeeze, they're still new and everything and don't know us very well yet. So I think it'd be nice if we let them have their pr-privacy."
"Great idea Butters!" We all looked at Kenny, kinda dumbfounded, "We should let them change so we get to seem them in their full outfits instead of watching them put it together. It'd have a much greater impact I'd say." I pinched the bridge of my nose in silent disbelief, a habit I had never gotten out of.
"Kenny you pervert, you're gonna scare them all the way back to Chicago…"
Tweek let out a nervous 'GAH!' and started tugging on his shirt so hard that I was afraid it was going to rip. Kyle let out a dissatisfied grunt and crossed his arms. I could tell he was regretting agreeing to the dare. He hadn't known about Kenny's…enthusiasm…towards stuff like this. He had only been here for 2 hours and he was already getting roped into one of Cartman's crazy schemes. But hey, at least he's lasted longer than some of Cartman's victims. Kenny started pushing the three of us out of the room and shut the door before carefully guarding it from the three out of us four who were least likely to peek. He stood in front of the door for at least 5 minutes, giving us all shifty stares as if we were gonna storm the room and rape the kids inside.
"Kenny, this is ridiculous, even for you."
Kenny sighed dramatically before letting his arms drop from the threshold. "I know, but…" he brought his hands up to his face for, what I'm guessing was, dramatic affect, "they're both just so damned cute!"
We all did a double take.
"What?" Cartman didn't intend for it to be a question. "Nice going Stan."
"Me? What did I do!"
"You just HAD to tell Kenny that you'd be having two MALE kids over at your house today. I just wanted to sit at home and play GTA 4, but no. Because you told Kenny about those two we were dragged over here, and now we're playing into the hands of one of Kenny's fetishes. Great job Stan. Nice going asshole."
"How could I have seen THIS coming? You can't blame me for Kenny!"
"Like hell I can't!"
"Blame Kenny for Kenny!"
"Why would I do that when I'm already blaming you?"
"What! That makes no sense you dumb ass!"
"FELLAS!" We stopped and looked at Butters who was now blushing at his own outburst, "Uh, um…oh hamburgers, I didn't mean to holler or nothing, but the-they're done. Kyle just opened the door to let me know…" Butters was now looking at the ground, bumping his fists together like he always did when he was uncomfortable with the current situation.
I looked over at Kenny whose lecherous grin was about to split his face in two. We could tell that he was mentally restraining himself from running into the room. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested in how the two looked. Kenny had stopped dead in his tracks once he got past the door, and since I was a good 5 inches shorter than he was, I couldn't see around him.
"C'mon Kenny! I wanna see too!" Kenny moved out from the doorway with almost robotic movement. Had the sight been so amazing that Kenny's perverted mind blew a fuse? I started laughing at the thought, but stopped immediately when I saw Tweek.
Tweek was dressed in flared, dark blue jeans and a sleeveless gray and white plaid dress that went down to a little below his butt. I later found out from Kenny that he was wearing a strapless bra filled with tissue. A detail I would have preferred not to know. He had on these army green canvas shoes as well; god knows what kind I don't really pay attention to brand names.
I was shoved out of the way and onto the floor by an irritated Cartman. I had apparently done to him what Kenny had just done to me. "Ow! Cartman, what the—" I had turned around to glare up at Cartman, but a much more pleasant sight caught my eye. Kyle had been blocked by the door, so I couldn't see him when I had first entered the room. He had on light blue tattered short shorts and I could see the muscles in his legs from doing track, but they weren't beastly muscles, he was just well toned. He had on a green camisole that was lined with lace at the neckline and a grey hoodie with sleeves that went down to his fingertips. He had taken of his green hat and his curls fell freely around his face. He was…
"Dude, Kyle, Tweek...You are both really fucking cute dressed as girls." Kenny had, once again, voiced what I was feeling, but could never seem to put in to words. Kyle just kinda flustered and floundered about for words while the four of us just stared at him and his cousin.
"Well guys, I think this is going to work out perfectly…" Cartman was trying to maintain a businesslike tone, but anyone could see that he was clearly taken aback by the unexpected results.
"Kenny, your outfits were genius." Kenny had now gotten over his initial shock and was now congratulating himself on a pervert's job well done.
"You guys sure luh-look amazin! Well, if I didn't know any better, I'd really think you were a couple of girls!"
"Y-You think so?" Tweek was gently pulling at the hem of his dress.
Kenny bent over to inspect him more thoroughly. He sort of looked like Tim Gunn while examining a new design. "We need to at least brush out his hair. And a little make-up wouldn't kill him."
"M-Make-up! I can't do that man! Too much pressure! What if I poke my eyes out?" Kenny smiled down at poor flustered Tweek.
"I'll do it for you, how's that?" He brought a hand up to Tweek's hair and started running his fingers through it.
"Nrgh—Ok…" Tweek seemed to be calming down again and was gently smiling up at Kenny.
I looked back over at Kyle. He was desperately trying to pull the shorts down further. I walked over to him and put a hand on his shoulder, "Dude, you look great, you don't have to worry about showing off your legs." Kyle's face turned beet red, but I couldn't tell if it was from anger or from embarrassment. He walked over to his things and bent down to retrieve something. 'Or your ass. Damn, that butt is-' I stopped myself there.
"Well, c'mon fags, we've gotta get goin."
"Where are we going fat ass?"
Cartman didn't even bother to rebut, "To the mall, or were you so enraptured by your new girlfriend, Stan, that you'd forgotten? We gotta get these guys ready for their…big debut tomorrow."
Kenny wrapped an arm around the two newly transformed boys and grinned. "C'mon babes, we gotta get you two cuties to the mall." He lead them out of the room, but not without Kyle's heavy protests. Butters and Eric followed behind them, talking amongst themselves.
I stayed behind for a moment wondering where the hell all of this was going to lead. 'Only one way to find out.' I thought as I grabbed 47 bucks off my dresser and headed downstairs.
To Be Continued . . .
Chapter 4: You Gotta Walk the Walk, Dumbass!
I skipped down the stairs and into the entry hall where the five of them were waiting impatiently. Kenny was standing incredibly close to Tweek while he half-heartedly chastised me. "C'mon Stan, we don't want your parents to see 'this' yet, and Cartman still has to get money from his Mom."
Oh god, I hadn't even thought about my parents. "Yeah, I know, just lemme grab my coat and tell my mom where I'm going." I ran into the kitchen, catching my parents in the middle of an argument.
"—do you expect! We couldn't let them st—"
"Oh! Stan! What is it?" I could tell I had just walked in on something really huge. This wasn't one of those 'you left the seat up' or 'it's your turn to do the dishes' arguments. This was something I wasn't supposed to hear or know about. The tense atmosphere was making me kind of nervous.
"Umm, we're all going to the mall. I have my phone if you need me." I showed it too her to confirm what I'd just said was true
"Ok Stan, you run along and have fun now, ok? Here, lemme give you some money." My mom handed me another 20 dollars out of her purse.
"You sure Mom?" I asked, eyeing the bill suspiciously.
"Yes Stanley." She said, waving it out in front of her for me to take. I did. "Now go and have fun." I could tell that my parents reeeeally wanted me out of there. My dad hadn't even said anything about the money Mom had handed me. I turned and walked out of the room, my mood slightly dampened.
"Hurry up, Stan!" Kyle called. My mood instantly brightened as I half jogged to the front door.
"Sorry." He frowned and I smiled at him sheepishly. I could tell he was trying to restrain a smile cause the corners of his mouth were twitching and he started to bite his lips. My smile turned smug when I opened the door and bowed, "After you, Miss." His smile was gone and replaced with a huffy frown. He stomped out the door in his tan Uggs, arms crossed with a slight pout on his face. I looked back at Tweek and nodded in the direction Kyle had just gone. He looked down at his shoes; his hands were clasped at the hem of his dress. His feet were pointed inward, giving this vulnerable look to him that, especially in those clothes, made him look incredibly feminine. He twitched before stepping outside.
Kenny slung an arm over my shoulders and sighed dreamily. "They are the cutest things I've ever seen. This is the best idea we've ever had." He patted my shoulder before trotting out to meet up with Kyle and Tweek, calling their names eagerly. I rolled my eyes at his typical behavior and closed the door once Cartman and Butters exited. We walked together in relative silence with the exception of Tweek's occasional outbursts. I looked over at Tweek who was walking right in front of me. His arms were bare in the middle of October in South Park of all places. I took off my jacket, shivering at the cold, and draped it across his shoulders. He jumped at the initial contact, but obviously welcomed the warmth as he put his arms inside of it.
"Thanks Stan." He looked back at me and smiled and I couldn't help but flush and smile back. He really was a cute kid when he wasn't spazzing out. Yes, I admit it. He was cute. I found small guys, like him and Kyle, cute. I wasn't going to deny it, I had been doing that much too long and I was sick of confusing myself. I partially blame Wendy for turning me off girls. I wouldn't be surprised is she turned all the guys in South Park gay. Hey, no skin off my bones.
"Hey, Tweek!" Butters called form over his shoulder, "What are you guys doing here in South Park anyways?" I noticed a sudden 'doom' feeling surround Tweek and Kyle. I had been curious about that at first too, but now I think we'll wait a little while before touching that subject.
"Oh, ah-alright then." And the conversation ended there. It was like someone had just died or something. No one spoke until we reached Cartman's house about 5 minutes later.
"MOM! I'm home! I need money!"
"Jesus, is he always that rude to his mom?" Tweek asked, shrugging my coat of his shoulders and handing it to me. I took it, but promised to give it back when we went back outside.
"No, this is him being nice."
"Oh, hello Hun. Oh, Eric! What cute girls you've brought over! Hello there dears, I'm Mrs. Cartman, Eric's mother. Where are you all from?" Kyle and Tweek's faces turned bright red.
"Oh, umm…Hello ma'am. Uh, my name is Kyle and this is my cousin, Tweek." We all kind of stiffened, we hadn't discussed aliases for Kyle and Tweek. "A-and we're from Chicago…"
"Nice to meet you. Is Kyle your real name or is it short for something?" Mrs. Cartman had placed the tray of cookies she normally carried around down and had gone off to go get her purse.
"Kylie!" I said, a bit too quickly, "It's short for Kylie." Tweek's name was kinda gender-neutral so I didn't bother changing it.
"Y-Yeah, but I like the way 'Kyle' sounds better. Not so girly." He looked pointedly at me. Making it quite clear that he would NOT stand for adding insult to injury by being called 'Kylie' for the next month.
"What a pretty name, but you're right. 'Kyle' does suit you better." Kyle smiled, happy with her answer.
"Mom, no one cares, just give me the god damn money!" The Nazi held out one of his pudgy hands for his mother to place the desired cash into.
"Oh alright Hun. Here, here's 40 dollars for you. Will that be enough?" Cartman looked down at the three bills in his hand, completely dissatisfied.
"Mom, seriously? In this economy?"
"I think that should be plenty, Poopsie-kins."
"But Maaaam I have to have more money if I want to buy stuuuuuuff!"
"Eric, dear, I think 40 dollars should be plenty…"
"But MAAAAM!" Eric's speech became indistinguishable as his voice rose in pitch, as it so often did whenever he wanted something and wasn't getting it right away.
"Oh alright, here, here's ten more dollars, but no more Eric, or no Powdered Doughnut Pancake Surprise tonight."
"Thank you Maaaam."
"Oh you're welcome, Hun."
"C'mon guys, let's go. Do you have any money with you Butters?" Cartman was shoving the money in his pocket as we headed back towards the door.
Kyle leaned over and whispered in my ear, his hair tickling the outer shell, making me shiver. I had always been incredibly ticklish. "Does he always act like that?"
I chuckled at his surprise, not even bothering to whisper my response. "He's been doing that as long as I can remember, I wouldn't be surprised if he was still doing that as an adult." Kyle snorted and proceeded to walk out the door ahead of me. I was about to hand Tweek my coat again, when Kenny snatched it from my hands.
"Allow me~" I rolled my eyes.
"Gah! Y-You don't have to do that Kenny! I can put it on myself!"
"Hey now, if you're gonna be a girl for a while, you might as well start acting like one!" Kenny was holding out the jacket for Tweek to slide his arms into.
"Wh-What do you mean? Can't girls put their own coats on?"
"It's just the polite thing for a guy to do, Tweek. But since it's Kenny…" I didn't want to freak the kid out by finishing my sentence.
Tweek's twitching started acting up again. "GAH—S-Since it's Kenny what?" Kenny shot me death glares. I could practically hear his thoughts, 'Don't ruin this for me Stan.'
"Nevermind, I was just teasin." Kenny nodded his approval.
"Oh…" Tweek let out a nervous giggle.
"C'mon, they're already out the door and gone."
"Gah! Kyle!" Tweek slid into the coat and, after Kenny adjusted it on his shoulders, ran outside to catch up to his cousin. We stepped outside slowly after and walked at a decent pace, trying to catch up without having to run. I saw Kyle and Tweek talking amongst themselves, but I was too far away to understand what they were saying. Kyle turned his head and smiled, laughing at something his cousin said.
"Kenny…" He looked over at me, smiling that stupid, self-satisfied grin.
"I honestly don't care if you go after boys in drag, but can I ask you a favor?"
Kenny paused for a moment before responding with a hesitant 'Sure.'
"Please don't sexually harass them all the way back to Chicago." Kyle looked back over his shoulders, Tweek doing the same and smiling, gracing us with a slight wave. I waved back and mirrored Tweek's smile. Kyle turned back to him with a scowl on his face and said something that made Tweek to go into a violent spasm. Tweek started hurriedly saying something to the back of Kyle's head. 'Now what's got his boxers in a bunch…'
Kenny looked down at my questioningly. "There's more to that isn't there."
I shrugged, "Maybe. Maybe not."
"Hey fellas! Hurry up, the bus is here!" Kenny and I broke into a run and caught up with Kyle and Tweek, encouraging them to run too. The four of us ran together, Kyle slightly in the lead. We were now about half a block from the idle bus, Butters and Cartman were holding it for us though they were shouting for us to hurry. I looked behind me to see that Tweek had tripped and Kenny was hoisting him up onto his back.
"C'mon Kenny! Now's not the time!"
"He hurt his knee, asshole!" Kenny called as he started to run again. If you were a passerby, you would agree with Kenny, that I was an asshole for not caring about an injured 'girl.' But if it were someone close to Kenny, like me, then they'd realize that he almost always had an ulterior motive; much as he did now.
"Are you alright, Tweek?" I whirled my head around just in time to see Kyle stop and turn around, but a moment later all I saw was gray. My face was buried in the soft fabric of Kyle's hoodie. I picked up my head and re adjusted my arms so I could push myself up onto my hand sand knees. Kyle's eyes were squeezed shut in discomfort and probably pain. His lips were parted ever so slightly and his arms were splayed above his head.
Kyle brought his arms down to his sides and I realized I was still on top of him. Needless to say, I kinda freaked out. "Ahh! Oh my god, Kyle! Are you ok? I'm really sorry. I should have been more careful. Ah Jesus you're covered in snow and, AH! I'd forgotten you were in shorts! You're pro—"
"Stan, chill dude. I'm fine. I'm not some frail chick no matter how I'm dressed." I stood up and offered him my hand. He took it and I pulled him up; both of us hopping on the bus that was threatening to leave any second.
When we got on, I realized that Kenny had, at one point, passed us and was sitting next to Tweek and Behind Cartman and Butters, smirking deviously at me.
To Be Continued . . .
Chapter 5: Such a Stereotype
The bus' doors squeaked closed and Kyle and I took our seats. Kenny had asked (manipulated was more like it) Tweek to let him put an arm around his shoulders and, once again, had that smug, satisfied grin on his face as he stared out the window, pulling Tweek in close. I glanced at Kyle who was sitting to my left on the aisle seat, looking past me to stare out the window.
"Hey, do you want to sit here?" Kyle's attention snapped back to me momentarily, but he looked down at his legs—that I noticed were covered in goose bumps—without answering my question. 'That's right, Kenny dressed him in those freakin short shorts.' I scowled and leaned forward in my seat and whispered to Kenny, "Kenny, gimme your parka."
"What? No way man! You gave up your coat now you get to suffer the consequences."
"It's not for me you asshole, it's for Kyle. His legs are cold."
"Give me one good reason why I should suffer just so you can flirt with." I bit my lip and thought for a second, choosing to ignore the last half of what he said. That was Kenny just being Kenny, and it was always useless to argue against it.
"How about this, you take my coat off Tweek—" He looked like he was about to interrupt me with protests so I quickly continued, "—so you can give him your own coat which will give you a reason to…" I lowered my voice, taking extra care to make sure Tweek, and more importantly Kyle, couldn't hear me, "a reason to touch him or whatever it is you want to do to…" I nodded over at his blonde companion and Kenny's eyes seemed to light up with perverted delight. I sat back in my seat while Kenny quickly shrugged off his coat in, what I thought to be, pathetic eagerness. He placed his hands on Tweek's shoulders and whispered something in his ear, causing said ear to turn bright scarlet. I peeked over at Kyle who seemed to be silently brooding, all the while staring at his cousin. I guess my 'peek' had turned into a full-blown stare, which, thankfully, went unnoticed. By Kyle anyway…
"STAN!" I practically jumped out of my skin for what seemed to be the millionth time that day.
Kenny looked at me, obviously irked by my odd behavior. "Here's your coat." I looked into Kenny's eyes. His words may have said one thing, but his eyes said something completely different, 'We need to talk. You're acting weird.' Which was true, I was acting like I was afraid someone would find out I had just committed a first degree, multiple homicide. I took my coat without saying a word and turned to Kyle. He had stopped brooding or whatever he was doing and was now picking at the cuffs of his hoodie. I looked down at my lap as I offered the coat to Kyle with a hasty 'here.' Kyle muttered a 'Thank you' and slid his hands under the coat, gently brushing his soft cold fingertips against my burning hot hands and lifted the coat out of my hands. I tilted my head to try and sneak a peak at Kyle's legs to see if he was using my coat or if he just took it to be polite. I was happy to see that he had it draped over his legs like I had intended it to be. I looked up at his face to see him looking past me out the window again, obviously lost in his thoughts.
I looked back down at my lap and started to fidget. The question was there and so desperately wanted to be voiced, but for some reason I was nervous. After a few minutes, I finally decided to ask. "You wanna switch spots with me? S-So you can look out the window more easily…"
"Huh? Why? That's the mall isn't it?" I looked out the window and sure enough, the bus was pulling to a stop in front of the only shopping center in all of Park County; sadly enough.
"C'mon fags, you're gonna miss the stop!" Cartman had stood up and Butters was already on his way down the aisle.
"Like I wanna hear that from you Cartman. I'm not the one who's eye raping Butters."
Cartman spluttered before screaming insults at Kenny as he made his way down the aisle, followed closely be a scared, jittery Tweek.
"Nrgh—You coming Kyle?"
"Yeah, hold on." Kyle stood up and handed me my coat. "Thank you." His smile made my knees feel weak. He turned and hurried off the bus before it could take off again. As I started making my way off the bus, I waited till no one was looking and took a quick sniff at my coat, but it only smelt like me. Bummer. I hurried to catch up with the rest of the guys who were already near the Mall's entrance, not wanting to get completely left behind.
The six of us stepped into the mall, all kinda holding our breath. We had no idea how to do this. I mean sure, I've gone to the mall with, you know, my mom. And I've gone with Wendy a couple of times, but I mean…we always went with SOME sort of female companion. We were all guys; there was no one to drag us through the stores. Or so I thought…
"Hey! You guys! We should go to Macy's! They're having their Thanksgiving sale!"
'Of Course…' Butters had always known a bit more about this sort of thing than the rest of us. He even had a favorite pair of pants back in Elementary school. What boy cares about their pants in the third grade? Or was it the fourth? I can't remember…
"You heard him men! Let's roll out! I can't wait to see what kind of cute clothes they have~" Kenny winked at Kyle and Tweek before running after Butters down the bustling hall. We all looked at each other, sharing a sigh accompanied by the thought: 'Those idiots personify the gay stereotype.'
I reopened my eyes, not realizing I'd closed them and brought my fingers down from the bridge of my nose, only to see Kyle do the same.
"Gah! We've lost them!" I looked around only to realize that Tweek was right, we had lost Kenny and Butters.
"Well, shit. How the hell are we supposed to find those fags?"
"C'mon guys, it shouldn't be that hard to find them. Macy's is usually like the biggest store in the mall and its got a giant blue star. How hard can it be to find?"
"I think it's a red star."
"Y-Yeah! Kyle's right! Definitely red!"
"Look, it doesn't matter. We just have to go find them, or who knows what sort of perverted crap Kenny will pick out for you two." Tweek and Kyle shared a look of pure horror for a moment before turning to us looking completely helpless. I smiled inwardly, feeling slightly guilty for thinking that their defenseless and helplessness was, 'Cute.'
About 10-20 minutes later, after sprinting through and around about 60 percent of the mall, we finally managed to find the store we had been searching for. Luckily, Butters was at a sale rack only 50 feet from the door. He saw us and immediately hurried over.
"Jesus Christ, what happened? What are you all out of breath for?
"Cause—huff—we ran—huff huff—for the—huff huff gasp—20 minutes—huff cough cough wheeze—trying—gasp—find—wheeze cough wheeze—goddamnstore." Cartman was bent over with his hands on his knees while he spat out the choppy sentence. Kyle, however, looked fine. 'That's right…he's some sort of track star.' I myself was feeling a little winded and had that dull ache in my chest that you get when you run harder than you're used to.
"Now wuh-what would you go and do that for? The store was only around the corner from the entrance." We all looked at Butters as if we wanted to kill him for our own stupidity and lack of sense of direction. He shrank back and hid slightly behind Kenny, who had just returned with a pile of pink lacey things.
"That's ok~ Butters and I had some time to pick out a couple things, though the store lady almost kicked us out cause she thought we were teenage drag queens. Guess she doesn't like cross dressers…" Kenny was holding a short ruffled dress out in front of him, squinting, obviously trying to picture Kyle in the thing. Sure it was cute I guess, but far from being appropriate for winter in South Park. But then again…I wouldn't mind seeing Kyle in the thing…you know…just to see…I'm sure I was blushing.
"Kenny, Tweek and I are not going to wear clothes that were made to be worn for summer in Miami." Kyle crossed his arms and glowered at Kenny. Kenny looked down at Tweek who was mirroring Kyle's irritated expression.
Kenny just brought his hands up to his face and sighed, "Even your mad face is cute, Tweek…" Perverted chuckling followed. Butters pushed Kenny out of the way and glared at him. Several items were draped across his arms.
"Kenny, nuh-now stop it! Couldn't you t-tone it down a bit?" Butters glare turned into a perky smile as soon as he started to address the two cousins. "I picked out some stuff for you two to wear. I just guessed on your sizes, so tell me when something is too big o-or too small."
"Um, yeeeeah…ok." Kyle looked down at the piles of colorful fabric apprehensively before looking back up at me. "Where's the dressing room?"
"Ah..aha…This way." 'That was brilliant Stan. Incredibly witty.' I walked like an old rusted robot, pretending like I knew the way to the changing rooms. Once we found them they were like a maze inside. Never ending twists and turns and countless occupied changing rooms. Luckily, I managed to find one of those 'family' changing rooms. You know, the ones where you can have more than one person inside without it looking too suspicious. However, I was promptly kicked out of the changing after barely putting a toe inside. 'Jesus that hurt!' I looked around, hoping the guys hadn't seen me 'trying to sneak in to watch Kyle and Tweek change.' Which is what Kenny would immediately have accused me of before mauling me like an angry, sex-deprived gorilla.
"Hey Stan! Finally, I found you! I, uh, just saw you trip out of the changing room. A-Are you ok?"
It was Butters who saw me. Oh thank God, oh thank you Jesus…
"Yeah, I'm fine." I brushed my pants off, trying to hide my growing blush. Butters and I chatted outside the changing room while we waited for Kyle and Tweek to finish changing.
"—ok movie, but the ending sucked." We reached that 7 minute lull (1) in our conversation and stood around awkwardly before Butters decided to knock on the door, 'H-Hey Tweek, Kyle, you done yet?"
"Yeah, almost. I'm just helping Tweek with the zipper."
"Jesus Christ, this place is a fucking labyrinth…" Cartman came lumbering around one of what seemed to be an infinity of corners with Kenny strutting behind him, hands behind his head. I never understood why people did that, it wasn't very comfortable.
Kyle unlocked the door and poked his head out, not letting us see any of his outfit. "Ok, We're done. You guys can come in." I caught Kenny silently pump his fist and mouth 'yeah!' Kyle glared at him "But not Kenny."
"WHAAT!" Cartman and I laughed at him. Served him right.
"Wuh-Well it serves you right Kenny!" See, Butters agrees with me.
"Aww, c'mon Butters, can't you see that I'm already down enough, no need to beat a dead horse."
I walked into the changing room, my eyes on the ground. Outside, I could hear Cartman taunting Kenny with his typical 'Nah nah nah nah naaah naaah!'
"Well, how do we look Stan? Do we look pretty?" It was plain as day that Kyle wasn't enjoying this so I tried my hardest not to laugh. I finally dared to look up at them, but form bottom to top this time. I looked at their feet: bare. I assumed it was for the sake of changing clothes. I slowly looked up their slender legs. Tweek had on skinny jeans and Kyle was wearing dark blue jean capris. And finally I reached their torsos. Tweek had a long sleeved mint green and chocolate brown striped shirt on and what can best be described as a white down coat, hooded vest hybrid with faux fur lining the hood. My gaze swept back to Kyle. If I'd been in some manga series I surely would have passed out with a nose bleed right then and there. Kyle hand on a long, strapless pinkish red shirt with obscure flower designs on it, and was held up with ruffle concealed elastic around his chest.
"Stan! How do they look? Are they cute! Please tell me!" I rolled my eyes.
"Wow! You two look great!"
"Hmm, not bad, not bad at all." I kicked myself for startling at their voices and not paying enough attention to even be able to notice Cartman in such a small space.
"Th-Thank you…" Tweek grabbed a strand of hair and started to tug at it. "What do you think Stan?" I jarred out of my thoughts and looked down at Tweek just to see him smiling up at me. I flushed a light pink, "You guys look amazing." I looked directly at Kyle when I said that, not even intending to, but when my eyes focused I noticed that he was looking down at his feet with a bright red staining his cheeks.
Tweek looked at his cousin and smiled. Tweek looke back at us and twitched, "W-Well, Butters, you g-got our sizes right. S-So we're gonna change -nnf- and go buy some stuff…" Tweek handed us the money he had brought and Kyle did the same.
"You guys pool it together so we can see how much we can buy." Kyle said as he pushed us out of the changing room. We stepped out to a disturbing sight. Kenny was propped up against the wall. It had been about 5 minutes and Kenny had gon from happy and healthy to looking sickly and sleep deprived. His eyes looked hallow and sunken.
"Jesus Christ Kenny, I it that big of a deal?"
"They're so cute, and I didn't get to see them in their new outfits…" I rolled my eyes and helped my friend up.
"Kenny, they're gonna be like this for a month, there'll be plenty more chances." Kenny brightened up immediately and miraculously no longer needed my support to stand.
"—kinda lame. Have you seen that new dress by BCBG?" That voice…
"No, what's it look like?" Oh god no…
"Well, its short and black with this cute bow on the hip." Oh please god, not now…
"Dude, that sounds like Wendy. If she sees you she's gonna f-ing murder you." It was a well-known fact that I had come out of the closet only shortly after Wend and I broke up. Which gave people the impression that Wendy had turned me gay, and for a while, guys avoided her completely, afraid she was going to turn them gay. And guess who was blamed for Wendy's year of being single. Well it wasn't Jared Leto that's for sure.
"Dude, you gotta hide." Even Cartman had sympathy for me in this situation. He had been at the other end of Wendy's fist and had even claimed that he wouldn't wish that upon any other man.
"Where? There's no where to go?" Kenny peeked around a corner.
"Dude, she's like 20 feet away, you've got about 5 seconds to find somewhere. I frantically looked for an unlocked door.
"Dude, hurry!" A turned to my right and saw a door with a green 'vacant' beneath the door handle. I threw myself inside. I peaked through the crack and watched Kenny and Wendy converse. She looked past him, over his shoulder and directly into my eyes. Well, that's how it seemed to me. She wouldn't have been able to see my eyes through the crack in the door, but it was enough to chill me to my bones. I watched, afraid that I'd be discovered. But Wendy continued on her way with Bebe, still suspicious, but at least she wasn't sticking around. Besides, her arms were loaded with clothes. She'd be in here for a while.
"Stan? What are you doing in here?"
To Be Continued . . .
Chapter 6: The Bastard Saved My Ass
"What are you doing here?"
"Seriously, Stan? I'm not the one who goes barging into other people's changing stalls."
"Dude, you are the last person I would expect to see in here. What the hell are you doing here anyway?"
"My mom brought me here. My dad insisted she take me cause he said the clothes I wore were 'gay.'"
"Why am I still talking to you? Get the fuck out of here! I've only got my underwear on!" I took a quick glance down and sure enough, the bastard was only in his boxer briefs. I turned around and took a quick look through the crack in the door before deeming it safe to come back out of the changing stall.
"Stan?" Kyle and Tweek were standing outside of the changing stall I had just emerged from, each holding some of the clothes Kenny and Butters had picked out. "What were you doing?"
"Ahh..I was uhh…"
"Hiding from his ex." Kenny was back from his slump and was hugging Tweek from behind, his chin on Tweek's head.
"Really? Why'd you hide?"
"Cause…" I looked to the floor and started shifting my feet, not really wanting to tell Kyle the real reason I was hiding from her.
"Heh, what's it matter? She's just a—just a dumb bitch..heh…" Cartman rubbed the back of his neck and started chuckling. We all knew he liked her. It was almost painful how obvious he was, but I thanked him for the opportunity of a topic change.
"You're only saying that cause you like her. C'mon guys, lets go pay."
"God dammit, I don't like that goddamn hippie!"
"So how much are you able to buy?" I asked Kyle.
"Well, we left what we couldn't afford inside the changing stall, but we managed to get the most for what we had." He seemed to pick up on the fact that we were ignoring the fatass and allowed me to lead him to the cash registers. We rolled our eyes at him when he wouldn't stop going off about ignoring him and how he could never love a dirty skank. The five of us, Cartman had yet to join us for he was still brooding, were waiting in line to purchase the clothes and accessories when Tweek went into panic mode.
"Gah! K-Kyle! I—nrgh!—I f-forgot my phone!" Tweek exclaimed, tugging on his hair.
"Tweek, it's ok." Kyle said, trying to soothe him by massaging his shoulders again, but he seemed too panicked to be soothed so easily.
"No! It's not ok! What if it gets stolen? All my information is on there! Oh God! What if someone starts to stalk me! Gah-ah!" Tweek was looking at Kyle, wide-eyed and scared.
"Tweek, relax. Its probably still there, you can go back and get it."
"B-But I don't remember which stall we were in!"
"I'll go with you." I offered. Kenny looked at me and glared, pulling Tweek towards himself defensively.
"Why do you get to go?"
"Kenny, chill out. I'm not going to steal him from you." Kenny hugged Tweek closer, but Tweek pulled away. Unknowingly leaving a dejected Kenny behind.
"O-Ok. Thanks Stan." I shoved my hands in my pockets and started walking towards the changing rooms with Tweek at my heels. As we were walking I could've sworn I felt Kenny's heated gaze on the back of my head. And sure enough, when I turned around I saw Kenny glaring at me. I motioned for him to chill and continued on my way, a little more quickly than before. We started through the endless twists and turns of the changing rooms that were much more crowded than they were before and Tweek kept getting jostled and bumped. I looked back to see that he wasn't there.
"Gah! Stan! Where are you!" I swiveled my head around, frantically looking for the shock of blonde hair but I couldn't see him.
"Tweek? Tweek! Where are you!"
"Nrrgh! Stan, help me!"
"I'm trying Tweek! Tell me where you are!" When I didn't hear a response I started to panic. 'Ah shit, Kenny's gonna kill me.' I pushed through the people who had their arms filled with expensive clothes, desperately searching for Tweek with the mantra 'Kenny's gonna kill me. Kenny's gonna kill me.' running through my head. I found myself outside of the changing stall we had been at but 15 minutes ago. It was taken so I knocked on the door, asking if there was a phone inside. A perfectly manicured hand peeked over the top of the door with what I assumed to be Tweek's phone.
I looked around dejectedly, still not seeing Tweek, but then I heard something above the murmur of the shoppers
'Huh? Who said my name?'
"Oh, there he is. Stan!"
'What's he doing with THAT asshole…'
"Oh god, I f-finally found you! Gah! M-My phone!"
"First you walk in on me then I rescue your girlfriend from a group of rabid shoppers. I think you owe me at least a thank you." God dammit this guy pisses me off.
I sighed, "First of all, Tweek is not my…girlfriend." I handed Tweek his cell phone as I said this.
"And what else, Marsh."
"Thank you Craig." I sneered.
Even though his stare was moderately blank, I could tell he was smug, he just had that air about him that let me know he was feeling superior. "Sure." Craig turned to leave and I was surprised when Tweek reached out to him.
"Ah! Ngh…Thank you..f-for helping me." Tweek pulled at his dress and looked down at his shoes, doing that defenseless and cute and above all femininething he did so well. I looked up at Craig to see that his expression had changed. I really wish I had my camera; this would've made South Park history books.
"Yeah…" Craig extended a hand, almost unsure. I wouldn't be surprised if this was the first time he'd ever properly introduced himself. "Name's Craig."
Tweek spasmed before shakily taking his hand, "I-I'm Tweek." Tweek looked up from the floor and smiled at Craig. "I'm new in town, it's n-nice to meet you."
"Oh…" I was laughing at him inside my head. This wasn't like Craig at all. "Later." And with that, Craig strode away into the bowels of the changing room—now that I think about it, 'changing room' seems to be a massive understatement—seeming to be eager to get away from us. I didn't realize I was laughing out loud until Tweek looked at me and asked what I thought was so funny.
"Nothing, lets get back to the others." I grabbed Tweek's hand this time and held on tightly. Tweek squeezed my hand as well, sharing the concern of becoming separated again.
As we approached the entrance, I saw Kenny, thankfully with his back to me or he would have slaughtered me. I quickly dropped Tweek's hand and shoved my own hand in my pocket. Kenny turned around stared at me warily. Before walking up to Tweek, "He didn't do anything funny did he?"
"Oh god, no! He just got my phone for me!" Both of Tweek's hands were clutching the phone as he held it out in front of himself to prove what he had said had been accurate. Kenny shifted his gaze from me to Tweek and then back at me again. I was starting to get nervous; its like when someone is staring at you and you start to think there must be something on your face, even though they haven't said anything related to it in anyway. It ws just that look.
"Hmm…" Then his face broke out into a huge grin, "I was just playin' with you. I know you're into Kyle anyway." Kenny gave me a wink and started laughing, slinging an arm around Tweek.
"Kenny, you're such an asshole sometimes…" I was pinching the bridge of my nose again.
"Wh-What! He's into Kyle?" Tweek and I both looked up at Kenny, his eyes darting from right to left. I gave him a look similar to one he gave me earlier that day: 'Don't ruin this for me.'
"N-No, of course not. I just love messin with him." Kenny laughed unnecessarily loud, "C'mon, lets get back to the others."
I sighed, thankful that Tweek didn't appear to be the sharpest knife in the drawer, and followed after the blondes. Judging by Tweek's reaction, I figured that he didn't like the concept of me being gay for his cousin.
"Hey dude, are you alright? You don't look so good…" I looked up, maintaining my gloomy face to see Kyle's concerned face only a couple feet from mine.
"Yeah, just…bummed." Kyle cocked his head, not quite understanding. "I," I sighed, scratched my head and averted my gaze a million times before facing him again, "I just remember that I have a lot of homework and its already 8 and we have school tomorrow."
Kyle sighed and crossed his arms as we walked towards the mall's exit. "Well, if that's all I can help you."
I smiled at him and voiced my thanks. But I started to frown once he started walking in front of me, where he could no longer see my face.
"Stan, lyin' to 'im isn't gonna get you anywhere." I looked over, surprised to see Butters giving me the words of reason, and even more surprised that he picked that up. But all I could say was a measly 'yeah' as we approached the bus stop, quite ready to go home.
To Be Contined . . .
Chapter 7: First Day: Successful?
When we were on the bus, I took the opportunity to sit next to Butters. I leaned over and whispered in his ear, even though Kyle was two seats in front of me, conversing with his cousin. "How'd you know I was lying?"
"You know…when I said…" I didn't want to say it, but it seemed like Butters understood without me having to.
"Wuh-Well, it was clear as day, Stan." Looking at me as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"R-Really? I'm that obvious?" I looked down at my lap, a little ashamed at how pathetic I was being. What happened to the nine-year-old badass I used to be? Well, I guess he was still in there. Hiding. Very well. How convenient.
"Well yeah, you had to have had something else on your mind, cause Mr. Garrison didn't give us hardly any homework this weekend."
"Oh, yeah." So that's what he meant. I guess I just looked too deeply into what he said. I had forgotten that this was Butters I was talking too. And while he was wise about situations that were right in front of him, he was still naïve and gullible about deeper things with hidden meanings. But that didn't completely nullify the possibility that I was pathetically obvious.
"So what's up Stan? You can talk to me, I won't spill." I turned him down, knowing full well that when put under the right kind of pressure, Butters would spill the entirety of his conscience. Even down to forgetting to brush his teeth that morning.
The bus ride was pretty quiet except for some minor bickering between Kenny and Cartman, who had been forced to share a seat, much to Kenny's dismay. We reached the stop a couple blocks from my house and hopped off. When we reached my house we hit a roadblock: my parents.
"Guys, what're we gonna do about…this?" I ask, motioning to Kyle and Tweek. The three other guys looked at one another, seeming to talk amongst themselves, but without saying a word. Then they looked at me, dropped the garment bags and took off running towards their respective homes.
"GOD DAMN IT!" I screamed after them, "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES!" I frowned. Maybe Kyle could pull the knife out of my back once I…No, shouldn't use it there either. I picked up the bags before sighing in defeat, "C'mon guys. They're gonna find out sooner or later." Kyle opened the door for me and we stepped inside. I could hear my parents arguing again.
"—cho! How can you be so stupid!" That was mom. I knew Dad was an idiot, but I was curious to see what he had done this time.
"Cause, Sharon! I can't endanger my family like that! We should've just stayed out of it!" Dad wanting to stay out of something? Now that was odd. I could practically see him with his arms crossed, pouting.
"We couldn't sit back and do nothing! What if—" Tweek closed the door behind him, alerting my parents to our presence. They stopped their argument and became dead silent. They came out of the kitchen and I braced myself for their reaction.
"Oh, hello boys." My mom greeted, strangely calm. I looked between her and Tweek and Kyle. Did she not notice?
"How was the mall? I see you bought a lot, were they having a sale?"
"Sharon, leave the boys alone."
"I'm just making conversation, Randy." My mom rebutted. I saw my dad look at Tweek, more like stare, as he drank his coffee. He let out a 'hm' as if he answered his own unvoiced question and walked back into the kitchen. My mom smiled at us and followed suit.
"Well that was unexpected." I nodded, agreeing with Kyle. That had been odd.
"Ok, umm…let's..go to my room…" I picked the Macy's bags back up and started to head up the stairs.
"STAN!" My dad came running back into the living room, "WHY THE HELL ARE THOSE BOYS DOING DRESSED AS GIRLS!" The three of us practically fell over from surprise. I was embarrassed for him, no one should be that slow. We exchanged a look and then I turned to my dad.
"Cartman, Dad." I said, acting as if it answered everything, which it didn't, I knew, but I hoped my dad's idiocy would come into play and save me from a potential disastrous situation. My dad lowered his accusing finger and seemed to calm down tremendously. He shook his head and walked solemnly back into the kitchen. I swear that guy made NO sense. I really hope I'm not like that in 30 years.
We finally made it to my room and the three of us flopped down on my bed, exhausted with the events of today.
"So much happened today…" Kyle said. He was laying to my direct left, with Tweek on the other side of him, our legs hanging off the edge of my mattress.
"Y-Yeah, I can't believe we were at home this morning." That's right. Just this afternoon—it was about 9 now—I had met Kyle and Tweek for the first time. Today took forever.
"I think I'm going to go to bed." Kyle commented as I felt him get off my bed. I continued to lie there as I heard him get undress and climb into bed. Tweek stayed with me for a moment longer. I could tell that something was on his mind, but I wasn't sure if I should ask or not. I lost my chance when he left my bed to go to his own. I waited until I heard him climb into bed before going over by the door and shutting off the light. I wasn't that tired, but I didn't really feel like being awake any longer. I took off my shirt and jeans and hopped into bed in my boxers. My last thoughts were of what tomorrow could possibly bring.
The Next Morning
I awoke the next morning to the sounds of panicked shrieking, and the insistent shushing of another party. I rolled over and found Kyle looking at me nervously while he was obviously trying to calm Tweek down. I looked at my clock: 5:37.
"Whussup…s'mthin wrong?" I slurred. My brain was still too fogged to really be able to understand what was going on, but I didn't really care.
"I'm sorry. Tweek just gets kinda panicky sometimes." I think I responded, but I couldn't remember. I switched on my desk lamp, just to be greeted with my incomplete chemistry homework. I swore under my breath and flipped the book shut.
"I'm going to go take a shower." They nodded at me as I made my way out the door and into the bathroom.
I returned from my shower to a locked door. Odd.
"Kyle? Tweek?" I jiggled the knob, wordlessly alerting them to my predicament.
"Gah! J-Just getting dressed Stan."
I blinked at the closed door. "But why's the door locked?"
"Tweek!" Kyle interrupted. I could hear them disagreeing about something in the background, but I couldn't make it out through the door. Then, the door to my left opened. I froze. That was Shelly's door.
"What the fuck are you doing up so early, Turd?"
'Oh shit, oh no, no, no! I woke up Shelly!' Horrible images of all the twisted things she would do to me once she got her hands on me flashed before my eyes.
"SHIIIIT! KYLE! TWEEK! YOU GUYS GOTTA LET ME IN!" I looked at Shelly who was slowly approaching, cracking her knuckles. I shivered. "GUYS PLEASE!YOU GOTTA LET ME IN!" I looked at Shelly again; my doom was steadily approaching. I heard a click and the squeak of a slowly opening door. I threw it open and dashed inside, quickly locking it behind me. I heard her calling out to me with threats of incredible pain and near death situations. Tweek looked at the door, absolutely horrified.
"Dear god! We're gonna get killed! Oh Jesus!" I was too happy to be alive to try and calm Tweek down, but I did inform him that she wouldn't lay a finger on him, only me. I opened my eyes, not realizing I had closed them, and looked at the cousins, whose backs were facing me. They had the same outfits they were wearing in the changing stalls yesterday spread out on the floor, about to put them on. I saw that they had also bought—erm—girls underwear. I turned away, feeling the blood rush to my face. My eyes widened when I felt the blood start to take a one-way trip south.
'DAMN YOU KENNYYYYY…' I cried internally as I grabbed my clothes, flung open the door, pushed passed Shelly (miraculously), and locked myself in the bathroom. 'Since when have I been so…perverted?'
An image of the pale blue panties with lace trim and matching bra that Kyle had on and Tweek's corresponding yellow ones flashed through my head. I damned Kenny again, and his perverted influences on my mind.
I pulled myself together and got dressed. Shelly seemed to have cooled off somewhat and had gone downstairs before I came out. I returned to my room, incredibly embarrassed.
"Nrgh—Th-Thanks for letting us get dressed in privacy Stan, that stuff we have to wear is really emb-barassing."
"Ah, yeah, no problem." Getting thanked for being a perv really isn't something to be proud of, but it was better than if he had known what was really going on. Kyle, however, seemed to pick up on the real reason, and avoided my eyes until we reached the bus stop, where Kenny had been eagerly awaiting their arrival.
I was relieved when he sat down next to me on the bus and we were able to talk normally all the way to school. I saw Kenny combing through Tweek's hair with his fingers and was smoothing it down; which, surprising, made his already feminine appearance look less wild and more meek and…mild…pardon the rhyme.
The five of us, Cartman was there as well, walked up to the big front door of the South Park Middle School. Once inside we ran straight into none other than Craig and those guys.
"Tweek?" Craig stopped in his tracks, Token almost running into him.
"Gah! Craig! H-Hey."
"You know him?" Everyone, sans me, inquired. I had forgotten that they weren't with us when Tweek and I went into the changing rooms to retrieve his phone. When Craig and Tweek first met.
"Y-Yeah, I met him yesterday." Kenny looked form Tweek to Craig and back again. I could tell he was about to begin a round of questioning, but the 5 minute bell rang, and Token dragged an irritated Craig down the hall. Clyde started to follow them, but turned his head and winked at Kyle before walking away.
I felt my fists clench. I didn't like Clyde; he was a cry baby and a pervert. "C'mon guys, we still have to get their books." I reminded, trying to take the focus off the other 'main guys group' at our school.
"Ah! I totally forgot!" Tweek pulled on the hair that Kenny had worked so hard to fix as we made our way towards the school office.
We got to class about 10 minutes late, which, naturally, evoked a lengthy lecture from Mr. Garrison. I had planned on sitting next to Kyle, but turned around to find Clyde in my seat. I would never forgive myself if I let that lecher near Kyle. I decided to sit behind Clyde and I was pretty sure I didn't take my eyes off him until the bell rang for lunch. I nodded to myself, satisfied that Clyde had kept his eyes to himself, at least that was my impression. Hopefully I was right.
When we were finally released from Garrison's pointless rambling we made our way to the lunchroom where the pitiful excuse for a chef was standing behind the serving booth. Even though years had passed, there was still no one who could replace chef.
"Hey Tweek, come sit with us." We had been on our way to our table when we ran into Craig and those guys for the second time that day.
"Umm…" Tweek looked at Kyle, as if he was scared to be separated from his cousin. But I could tell that he also really wanted to go. Kenny however, strongly opposed.
"Kenny! Tweek can do what he wants! Leave him alone!" I didn't realize that had come from me until Kenny looked at me slightly surprised. During the awkward silence that followed my slight outburst, I noticed that Kyle nodded at Tweek, signaling that he could go. Kenny followed for about three steps before stopping in his tracks. He deflated momentarily before turning on me with perverted fury in his eyes.
"Daaaaamn youuuuuu Staaaaaaan!" He growled. I would tell you what happened next, but that memory doesn't seem to be with me any longer. The reason for this remains unknown. Perhaps some sort of trauma induced amnesia. But I do remember looking over at Craig's table and seeing Tweek and Craig exchanging cell numbers. Craig was pointing to something on Tweek's screen and rolling his eyes. Tweek seemed to begin to have a mini panic attack, but Craig said something to calm him down and actually replace his nervous frown with a small smile. I smiled at their exchange, though completely against my will, and I couldn't help but think as Kenny ranted at me from across the table, 'It's about time that asshole fell for someone.'
To Be Continued . . .
Chapter 8: A-W-K-W-A-R-D Spells Garrison
"Ok, class dismissed." We all grabbed our bags off the floor and were about to make a mad dash for the door when Mr. Garrison spoke up. "Kyle and Tweek, can I talk to you for a moment?" My heart did a flip. I had forgotten that Mr. Garrison's roster probably listed them as males. At least he'd had the sense not to bring up the issue in class, amazingly enough considering his normal approach to things: a head-on confrontation followed by a kick in the balls. I decided to wait for them outside and just kinda played with the hem of my jeans as I sat against the lockers outside his classroom. Just as I had taken out my math book and was in the rare mood of actually wanting to start homework, the door creaked open and a beet red Kyle and Tweek stepped out.
"C'mon. We're leaving." Kyle said curtly before turning and starting down the hall, his body rigid with obvious embarrassment. I looked over at Tweek for answers.
"M-Maybe later, Stan." He was twitching like crazy, so something had to have happened; it was Mr. Garrison after all. The old coot had never learned how to lecture with any sort of subtlety. But I let it go and just carried my books instead of putting them back in my bag; too much effort. When we got outside, Tweek left my side and nervously started off in another direction.
"Hey Tweek," I called, "where're you going?"
"Nrgh—Craig asked me to hang out with him and his group today." He pulled at the brown knit scarf around his neck, but stopped immediately, mumbling something about choking to death. He shuffled his feet and frowned at the ground, like he was trying to figure out what else to say. I would haveencouraged him to go on, but when things finally start to go smoothly, a certain someone always has to stick his fat, greasy nose into it and muck everything up.
"GAHH!" Tweek's body jerked at odd angles at the unexpected voice. I must say, I'm impressed with his reflexes and his incredibly flexibility.
Cartman removed his earpiece (must've been from some sort of spying equipment) and strutted over with Kenny not far behind him; both of them were obviously displeased. "You're supposed to tell us when you have a date! Or are you trying to weasel your way around our deal!" I wouldn't have been surprised if Cartman pulled a laminated copy of the contract out of a back pocket. I was actually more amazed that he didn't.
"Oh God no! I would never! That'd be like—nrgh—breaking the law, wouldn't it! Breaking a legal contract! Oh Jesus, I could go to jail! Gaah!"
"What's going on?" Kyle questioned. I guess he came back to find us when he realized he had no idea how to get back to my house. Kyle's presence seemed to calm Tweek down considerably and he stopped pulling at the vest and settled for just shaking nervously.
"Your cousin is trying to back out of the bet."
"N-N-No! No, no! I'm not I swear I'm not, Kyle!" His twitching started up again. "We're j-just going to hang out! Nrgh! Y-You said I only had to tell you if it was a date."
"W-Well…ah GODAMMIT!" Cartman stormed off, slamming the doors to the school open as he reentered, God knows why he went back inside, but then again I didn't really care. I waved goodbye to Tweek when Craig came around the corner of the school, apparently looking for him. Craig waved at him and I could tell he was about to jog over, but caught himself and stopped all together. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and waited for Tweek to catch up. I tried to catch what they were saying, but the wind made it hard to hear:
"..ih..un...alk oo us...yle..an..."
Craig bopped Tweek over the head before pushing him from behind, back around the corner of the school while Tweek clutched at his head, apparently worrying about brain damage. I rolled my eyes and turned Kenny around, giving him a little push on the back, much like the one Tweek had received, so he'd start walking. Kyle followed after a sidelong glace at the corner around which his cousin had disappeared.
"H-Hey fellas!" The three of us turned around and saw Butters running toward us with his stuff spilling from his arms. When he reached us, the stuff fell to the soggy ground and he hurriedly bent over to scoop it all up.
"Hey Butters." Kenny and I greeted, perfectly in synch, resisting an eye roll.
"Hello, Butters." Kyle smiled. I guess his patience for nervous blondes was a bit higher than ours.
"O-Oh, and Kyle." He leaned in and whispered an apology for almost giving him away. I heard Kyle convince him that there was no way such a subtle hint like that could give his real, 'manly' identity away. "Wuh-Well that's good. Uhm, where are you guys goin?"
"Back to my house, Butters." I said, slightly more exasperated than I think was really necessary. He didn't seem to pick up on it though, I guess he's been spoken to like that enough that he doesn't give it a second though. Poor kid.
"C-Can I come?"
"Sure, Butters." I looked over at Kenny, mildly surprised. He shrugged, "What'll it hurt?"
"Aw, gee! Thanks!"
I sighed, I didn't think that kid would ever change. "No problem, Butters." Did we always finish our sentences with his name? That's annoying...
We walked in silence for a while until Kenny piped up, sounding morbidly forlorn. "I'm gonna go home guys, I'm not really in the mood to hang out today." I turned around and saw that he was already cutting through the park by Stark's Pond and on the way to his favorite 'hiding spot'. Nowhere near his house.
"I wonder what's buggin' him?"
"Just leave him, he probably needs time to sulk. He'll be back around tomorrow, Butters." Huh, I guess we do. Better get out of the habbit...
"Oh..." Was all he said as he started to fall behind me and Kyle. A minute or two passed and I had just started up a conversation with Kyle before Butters spun around and ran after Kenny, who'd long since disappeared into the gently falling snow.
"Butters!" I didn't get a response, but that was ok by me. Now it was just me and Kyle, and that was perfectly fine.
"So, you were saying?" I asked, more than eager to talk to this boy.
"Ah, I was just about to ask you what there was to do in this town?" He kicked at the edge of a freshly shoveled walk, knocking some snow onto the path.
I laughed sheepishly, "Well, I'm sure that if it weren't for the freaky things that happen here every once in a while," He looked at me incredulously, "Seriously! It'd just be a mundane mountain town, nothing like 'Windy City.' Though we've got enough snow to compete with Chicago's winds."
"More than enough, believe me. Jesus, it's freezing!" He pulled the dark grey pea coat tightly about him and was rubbing his hands around in his pockets, desperate to warm up the slender popsicles attached to his pale, icy palms.
I laughed at his scowl—Hell, it was cute!—and stopped him in his tracks. I looked straight into his face for the first time during our walk and I noticed the big white flakes that clung to his shiny, auburn hair and long lashes. Those big 'bambi eyes' were pulling me in again and I could feel my hands shake as I removed them from my own pockets and encouraged him to do the same by pulling at his wrists.
"No way." I could've sworn that his protest was accompanied by something almost—how desperately I wanted to believe this—coy.
I just smiled and pulled his hands out of his pockets. I looked at his beet red fingers: the fingers were longer than mine, but his hand was smaller overall. I pulled off one of my gloves and handed it to him, though, really, I wanted to be the one who put it on. His cold fingers had trouble gripping onto the fabric, and I jumped at the chance to help him. I could almost hear Kenny in my head: 'Down boy.'
"Thanks, but what do I do with the other one?" He lifted his hand in front of his face and slowly wiggled the fingers of his right hand and smiled at me between them.
I wasn't sure if he as just playing around or flirting with me, but I pulled a cool smile, as if I were only playing, and grabbed onto his hand and interlaced our fingers. "There. My hands are still warm."
Kyle looked up at me with a quirked eyebrow. I panicked for a second; afraid I'd gone too far. My expression betrayed me and exposed my fear perfectly (seeing as how I've been as easy to read as a picture book lately) and Kyle let out a sigh of laughter.
I smiled too and swung our arms excessively, jokingly, and he smiled.
"It's so weird..." I looked at him, silently encouraging him to continue. "I feel like I've known you forever. Or like we've met before. I feel natural around you."
"Hm..." I hadn't really thought about it much, but I decided to take this moment in stride. I was happy being with...wait...'SHIT!' I glanced over Kyle's head and all around me. Wherever there was happy, there was always someone there to ruin it. And the substantial piece of evidence South Park had, never failed to prove this point. I'll give you a hint: this piece of evidence is a fat piece of shit that rubs off on other people's suffering. But I think you knew that already, and my hint was just an insult to your intelligence.
"Stan? What's up, dude?"
"I think Cartman's lurking nearby."
I turned to face him, untangling or hands to place both of mine on his slender shoulders (what about this boy wasn't slender, my god). "Cartman, as I'm sure you've deduced by now, is—"
"A fat asshole that loves to see other people miserable because he can never find happiness because he himself is miserable excuse for a person?"
An intelligent guess, "Actually, it's because he's a twisted bastard that's fallen on his head a few too many times, but you were close enough. C'mon, let's hurry home." We did.
We were up in my room and Kyle had changed out of his day clothes and into pajamas. Pajamas, we decided, were gender neutral so we figured that it wasn't a break in the agreement. I tossed a towel over his head and he rubbed the snow and melting ice out of his hair. "You sure he followed us home? I didn't see him anywhere."
"We broke into buildings under heavy security when we were in the 3rd and 4th grade. Following a couple of people home from school is nothing." I restrained the blush at 'couple' and spoke as flat as possible. I opened my Chemistry and got to work on last night's homework. Mr. Garrison had been in a good mood—some new lover, he explained—and allowed all of us to finish last night's homework for tomorrow instead of assigning something new. That's right: Mr. Garrison. I'd forgotten. "So what'd Mr. Garrison want to talk to you guys about?"
Kyle took the towel off his head and chucked it at me as I turned around. "He gave us a...lecture...about teenage cross-dressing, and about how getting surgically turned into a woman just meant that some quack doctor mutilates your penis so you can get pounded in a hole that was drilled out of you with one of those core sample machine things. Which is not only ridiculous, but the procedure he explained doesn't follow medical protocol." His calm tone contradicted the enormous blush he'd sported earlier. Perhaps he'd given me the censored version.
I chuckled, "You'd be surprised by the sick shit that goes down in this town." I removed the cold wet towel and turned to look up at Kyle, my chuckling blowing out into raucous laughter. The water and towel had frizzed up Kyle's head into a gigantic, fuzzy, stereotypical, 'Jew-fro'.
"Ok, ok! I know I have a Jew-fro. We can stop laughing about it ANYtime now..."
I think I was tearing. His face was getting redder with every hack of laugher I coughed out. My face was starting to match his in color, but only due to the lack of air.
And then...well...what can I say? He came from my blind spot...
"Gaaahh!" Kyle had rushed up from my right and pushed me out of my roller chair. I rolled onto my back instinctively and bent my knees and lifted my hands into the air. My only source of defense.
Before I knew it I was being straddled by this guy and beaten to death by an overstuffed, down pillow. I pleaded for his mercy and spewed apologies, but he was a vengeful son of a bitch.
"Kyle! Please, I'm sorry!" My laughter ruined the desired effect of my totally (in)sincere apology. I finally managed to grab his arms and rolled us over, only to have his incredibly strong legs flip us back over so he was on top again. I laughed up into his face; his boyish face. Not the cute, girly one that Clyde was probably jerking off to right now. This was a guy's face through and through. And I was happy that I'd probably be one of the only people to see it. Plus his legs were ridiculously strong. As were his fingers, I discovered, when he started to tickle me mercilessly as he had his cousin the day before.
"I shall have my revenge!"
"You've got it already! Please let me go!" Of course I wasn't speaking that smoothly, but if I had put into text what I had said, it would have just appeared as mindless gibberish.
Kyle stopped tickling me.
He picked up his phone and flipped it open. "Tweek? What's up, I though you were—"
He listened for a moment and I took this opportunity to shove him off and get back up in my chair. He growled at me (still smiling) and continued talking to his cousin. I could hear little screeches now and again, and I could've sworn that I heard Craig's nasally mumble of a voice.
"Oh, so you're calling me about something GOOD that's happened, well that's certainly a change." He scooted over to his bed and flopped down on his back and I took a quick glance at his chest. No boobs; he was all male no matter how girly we were making him appear to be.
I smiled ad closed my eyes as I listened to Kyle's half of the conversation, as I assumed Craig was doing the same with Tweek. I'd have to thank Tweek later for saving me from pissing my pants. Like I've said: I am incredibly ticklish.
To Be Continued . . .
Chapter 9: Pick Your Fate From My Hat
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Kyle eventually said goodbye to his cousin and completely relaxed on his bed. I had thought for a moment that he'd fallen asleep and went to go wake him.
"Hmmg?" He rolled over onto his back, but kept his eyes closed.
My heart tripped a little when I looked at his face. Even his eyelashes were that brilliant shade of red "Can you help me with my, uh...this...my Chem?" No response. "Homework?" I added, trying to rouse him from whatever fog he was in.
He snorted a laugh and heaved himself up off his bed. "Sure thing, dude."
'Sure thing, dude.' I don't think my heart had ever beaten so fast over such an unromantic phrase before Kyle had spoken that one 'Sure thing, dude.' I had it bad. I had it really bad for Kyle Brofel...Brov...well, I supposed I'd learn his name as time went on. But my point was that I've only known him for a little over 24 hours; talk about love at first sight. God I felt pathetic; getting excited over something as boring and commonplace as 'Sure thing, dude' but I couldn't even pronounce the kid's name.
"You weren't listening were you?"
I looked up into his exasperated face and he sighed. Shit, I did it again. I'd spaced while he was trying to help me.
"Let's just...take it from the top. One more time."
We somehow made it through my homework and had just put in 'Asses of Fire 2' and were gonna watch it on my TV from Kyle's bed when Tweek walked in, looking strangely serene.
Kyle paused the DVD, to my disappointment—we'd finally made it past the opening credits—and began to question his cousin. "Tweek! Where have you been? How'd you get home? Did you do your homework? Do you need me to help you with it?"
And with that, the twitching commenced. "Ngh, I was at this guy...this guy Token's house with Craig, Clyde and th-this other kid. W-We did our homework though, so you -gah- don't have to -nnh- worry about me, -nff- K?" He gave a smile and Kyle's mother hen nature receded and was replaced by brotherly affection, though I couldn't help but find it a little odd that it'd been all guys except for Tweek...well, he was still a guy, but in their eyes...well whatever, I'll worry about that later.
"C'mon, come sit with us. We're gonna watch T 'n' P." Kyle patted the bed next to him.
"J-Just let me get out of these -ngh- clothes. This buh-bra is itchy as hell."
I turned away for modesty's sake and let him change. He flopped onto the bed next to Kyle, who was now in the middle. "Alright," I said, "let's get this party started."
I'm not totally sure when we all fell asleep, but I know we didn't make it through the whole movie. The movie had ended and was stuck on the menu screen, the faint sounds of 'Uncle Fucker' playing in the background. I also noticed that I hadn't managed to migrate over to my own bed that night. I'd fallen asleep horizontally on Kyle's twin mattress. My legs were mostly on the floor and my feet were freezing. I tried to move, but I was pinned. Kyle had his head comfortable cradled in the small of my back and Tweek had his leg's thrown over the upper half of my back, which I guess is what had been keeping my torso warm. But in hindsight, I wasn't going anywhere. Kyle murmured something in his sleep and my attention was drawn back to him. It was just sleepy gibberish, but it was still cute. Craning my neck at odd angles, I could see over Tweek's legs that he was drooling on my back a bit, but at that point I didn't really care.
"San...em fum mum..." He mumbled.
Tweek had started twitching in his sleep, which I found oddly soothing, and would gasp from time to time, which made it a little less soothing and a little more worrisome. I was too tired to actually feel worried though.
'...Huh...' I looked at the clock – 2:16. Looking back at the Terrance and Phillip title screen one last time, I fell asleep again, and didn't wake until my mom knocked on the door at 6:45.
"Stan!" She called for what was probably the tenth time or so. I cracked my eyes open. "Stanley, you're going to be late for school! It's time to get up, now. You're already too late for the bus!"
I grumbled; my half asleep mind tricking me into thinking I'd formed a complete sentence.
"Hurry up! School starts in about an hour!"
The warning was like a bucket of cold water. I sprang out from under Kyle, startling both him and his cousin awake; I also startled my sore muscles awake and into a violent spasm. "Ah! Shit..."
The other two awoke, Kyle did so a little more calmly than Tweek, but they were both quite panicked. "Dude," Kyle exclaimed, "don't we have to be at school in an hour?"
"Yeah." I'd quickly shed my clothes from yesterday, as I'd fallen asleep in them, and quickly threw on whatever was in the 'clean' pile on my floor.
The other two went to the still unpacked shopping bags and pulled out their clothes for the day as well. We tripped over one another, constantly had to dig through each other's messes to find our own shit, I couldn't find my chemistry homework. It was a hectic morning to say the least.
But somehow we managed to make it to school only an hour late. I don't know quite how we managed that as we'd only woken up about a half hour late, but when we got to the classroom, there was a cast list up on the chalkboard, ready and waiting to be paired up with students' names.
"Oh goodie," Mr. Garrison greeted in is typical, uninterested monotone, "you three are finally here." As we took our seats, I caught Kenny's 'where the hell have you been' look out of the corner of my eye and shrugged. "Just to get you little ditchers up to speed," My Garrison continued, "we're picking parts for the end of the term play, " The class groaned for what was probably not the first time that morning. "And we're going to do it with a drawing. You see this, kids?" He picked up a hat off the desk. "Since you're all equally untalented, I think a simple draw from the hat should suffice." Garrison walked menacingly up and down our rows of desks. He forbade us from opening our little slips of paper until everyone had received one.
"Alright, you can go ahead and open your slips."
I looked around the class and saw that everyone either exploded in excitement or deflated with disappointment. After unfolding my card, I wasn't sure whether I should have felt relieved or sorely disappointed at what was written on that little slip of paper. I turned to Kenny, who was on my left, "Hey, Ken, what'd you get?"
"Mercutio. I can't believe I—" The bell that signaled the end of class rang, but everyone was too excited to share their misfortune with others that they didn't really care. Kenny continued, "That I didn't get Romeo; he's the only one that gets laid." I snorted. "What about you?"
'Nope, not telling.' I thought and opted for just kinda staring downward in a sulky manor.
"Ah, screw you. Hey, Cartman—"
'Clearly, he didn't care.' I sighed and laid my head on my desk. My nose was squashed down against the top so I couldn't really breathe, but I was kinda hoping someone would ask me what was the matter, so I didn't move.
"Hey, Stan." I rolled my head over to look at Kyle, who was crouched down so he could be eye to eye with me. God his eyes were gorgeous. "What part did you get for the play?"
"...You tell me yours first." Yes, I'm a pussy, we've discussed this, moving on.
"Ironically, the hat couldn't see through my disguise and made me Juliet." He sighed before standing up so I was staring at one of the holes in his tattered jeans. He was also wearing a lace edged tank with a shrug sweater. "So, now that you've assessed my outfit..." I blushed, but I kept my expression emotionless and closed my eyes, rolling my head back to wear it was. "What part did you get?"
I showed him my slip.
"Oh. Well, that's not...so bad. It's an important role..." He offered hesitantly.
I lifted my head. "Bull shit."
"Yeah, congrats. Kyle.
'Oh gods, not these two.'
"Oh, thanks...I'm sorry what were your names again?"
"My name's Wendy, and this is my friend Bebe."
"Hey, welcome to our school. Sorry about not formally welcoming you and your cousin."
I tilted my head, trying to be inconspicuous about listening in on their conversation, but the mention of Tweek's name made me wonder what part he'd gotten.
"That's ok," Kyle continued, "yesterday was...kinda hectic."
There was an awkward silence and I was sure I wasn't helping the atmosphere, if the cursory glances each one of them gave me in turn were anything to go by.
"So," Wendy began, trying to break the silence, "what part did you get?"
Kyle looked a bit uncomfortable, but he answered anyway.
"Oh really! No way! Bebe is Romeo! It's kinda weird that we're gonna have two girls as the stars this year. And that the roles weren't separated by gender so girls wouldn't get stuck with boy's parts and vice versa." She said, more to Bebe than to the rest of us, granted I wasn't really even part of the conversation, but that's just a minor detail that I can, and have, chosen to ignore. "Maybe we could have a sleepover this Friday and kinda go over our parts. I mean, the play is a lot sooner that it seems, so we should get down to work right away. I'm Juliet's mother, so I don't have too many lines, but—"
I kinda tuned out the rest of Wendy's talk. Actually, I'd kinda stopped listening at 'sleepover.' There was no way I was gonna let Kyle go on a sleepover with my ex-girlfriend. Girls had this weird thing where they'd, like, get naked down to their panties—I hate saying that word—when the room got too hot, or how they'd compare boob sizes by groping each other. Or at least that's what I'd heard. Where was I going with this? I'm not quite sure, but all I remember was that I didn't want Kyle to go, and that I didn't have a solid argument against his doing so, so either way my thoughts weren't getting me any closer to a solution.
"Umm. I'll check...but I don't know..." An uneasy answer that I couldn't help but internally grin at. She wasn't pulling my new friends into her trap!
"Well, do you think you could just hang out after school today? Just for a little while, like a couple hours or so. And maybe we could even do homework together too?" Bebe offered.
Kyle gave me a quick glance, but for some odd reason that I could never fathom, he agreed.
"Great! We'll meet after school outside the main doors. Talk to you later."
"Bye Kyle." And with that, the two of them headed off to go do god knows what.
"You know, Stan. They don't seem all that bad. I don't get why you hate them so much."
"C'mon fags, let's go to lunch. What sort of losers hang out in the classroom during break." Cartman cut in at an incredibly convenient time. We were one of the last groups to leave; Craig and his bunch were all looking at Tweek, and I could practically feel Kyle's nervous energy radiate off of him.
"He'll be fine. They're not gonna kill him." I assured. Kyle managed to ease up a bit and followed me out the door. But I can see whe he'd feel uneasy: four guys, all of them bigger than Tweek, were staring him down. I'd managed to pick up on the fact that he'd been the last one to open his paper, and they were all eager to see what role he'd been cast as. But I didn't get to hear because I was dragged out the door and towards the cafeteria.
I was eating my underdone, slightly cold potato wedges when I saw Craig drag Tweek, a very embarrassed Tweek I might add, by the arm towards the other end of our table. "C'mon hun, there's seats over here."
"Ngh, Craig! D-Don't call me that! Not -agh- in public!" He blushed furiously.
'What the hell?' I quirked a figurative eyebrow at the situation.
"Why not? We're together now, aren't we?"
I was floored.
The rest of our table was stunned as well, and Kenny just kinda seemed to sink into the floor. It seemed like Cartman was the only one who could get his mouth working in time for a retort to still be appropriately timed without being awkwardly delayed, a time slot the rest of us missed.
"Craig, what the hell are you doing?"
Craig took his seat and pulled Tweek down next to him, Token, Jason, and Clyde all joining within seconds. "What do you mean?" Craig took Tweek's arm and placed it around his own shoulders.
"Why are you acting like a fag with Kyle's cousin? ...Kyle's cousin who is totally a girl, so completely discount the whole fag thing." Smooth coverup Cartman...real smooth.
I was actually surprised Kyle hadn't said anything yet, but judging by his face, he was bound to say something later.
"Tweek's my husband, and I'm his wife." Craig flipped us off and I was just waiting for Kyle to crawl over the table and beat the shit out of Craig. But the boy had a good sense of self-restraint.
I looked between the other guys in Craig's group who really didn't seem to take any notice of Craig's behavior. How long had this been going on?
"Woah, woah, woah, you're saying you guys got together overnight or something?"
Craig sighed and looked at me as if I was a moron. I don't even know why I'd said that. "While we did have fun last night," Kenny bristled, "I was just joking around when I said we were 'together'. We're both playing the Montagues, so chill out asshole." Craig pulled out of Tweek's embrace and went right on ahead to sipping his soda.
We were all at least a little bit startled when Kenny suddenly pounded the table hard enough to rattle all out trays and ran off, running smack dab into poor Butters, who always seemed to get in the way at the most inconvenient of times.
"H-Hey Ken! Wha—"
"Not now, Butters." He dismissed before running off again. I couldn't help but notice that he'd ended the sentence with Butters' name, as we seem to have a habit of doing. Butters looked at his ruined food before running off after Kenny, calling his name.
"Kenny's a friggen idiot." Craig remarked.
Now it was my turn to get mad. "Shut up, Craig! You don't have to walk around acting all—"
"He is an idiot. He's got a person right there ready to do all kinds of shit for him and he's constantly focused on someone else. C'mon guys, I'm losing my appetite just being near these assholes."
The group got up to leave, and Tweek looked a little torn. Kyle ushered him off and that was the last we saw of them till class.
School ended and we all left the building without any issues like there were yesterday. Tweek was coming home with me today, but Cartman and Kyle were both off doing something else, and none of us had seen hide nor hair of Kenny or Butters since the incident in the cafeteria. So the two of us had hopped on the bus and were talking amicably when Tweek's phone rang.
He looked at the screen and an awkward smile broke out on his face. "It's Craig...should I answer?"
I shrugged. "If you do, put him on speaker."
Tweek smiled again and flipped the phone open, holding it between us so I could hear clearly. "H-Hello?"
There was rustling before Craig's voice became audible. "Hey Tweek."
"Yeah, Tweek, listen, uhh...I know I have to work at my Dad's shop and everything, but I was..."
Craig was silent for a while, and I could read the unease on Tweek's face. "C-Craig! Ngh, you there?!"
We waited for him to continue, but he didn't.
"Yeah, sorry, uhm...I was...would..." I could practically hear him shifting with nervousness over the phone. Craig was an obnoxiously cute asshole when he was trying to pick someone up. "...Meet me at Harbucks? At 5?"
"Yeah!" Tweek eagerly agreed.
I don't think he even gave the question time to register what was being asked of him. But I noticed that Craig had regained his cocky attitude at the sound of Tweek's eager, positive response when I heard him say, "Wear something cute." And with that, he hung up.
Tweek blushed furiously, a very nice look on him, and mumbled an 'ok' into the receiver.
"Oh my gosh!" Came the girlish squeal form the seat behind me and Tweek. I wish I'd seen that ambush coming. "We don't mean to intrude, but did you just get a date with Craig Tucker?"
"Wow, you're so lucky."
It was Red and Millie; two girls I'd never really talked to even though I'd known them forever, but they seemed friendly enough.
"Hey, would you like to chill with us? I mean, I know we don't know you very well yet, but we could help you out with your date and stuff." Red offered. The two of us probably bore the same look of confused surprise.
"AGH! Uhm, oh god, uhm, sure. I guess..."
"Great! I know the sudden invitation is kinda weird, but we can help you get ready and stuff, it'll be fun!" The bus squeaked to a halt. "Oh, this is our stop. Come on Tweek!" Tweek hastily gathered his stuff and I was left alone on the bus. I shoved my hands in my jeans pocket and I could feel that blasted slip of paper with my role clearly printed on it. I pulled it out, god knows why, I already knew what was written on the damn thing. Maybe my subconscious thought that if I left it alone for long enough it could magically change.
'Why couldn't I,' I thought to myself despairingly, the emo in me emerging, 'have been Kyle's Romeo.'
To Be Continued . . .
I'll keep the cast list posted so you don't get too confused
Kyle – Juliet
Bebe – Romeo
Wendy – Lady Capulet
Tweek – Montague
Craig – Lady Montague
Kenny – Mercutio
And that's all we know for now :3
Chapter 10: Do I Really Look Like a Girl?
I got off the bus and went inside, stopping by the kitchen before making my way upstairs.
"Stan? Is that you?" Her voice was coming from the living room. I must have passed right by her on the way inside. Apparently she hadn't noticed me either till I started banging around in the kitchen.
"How was your day, dear?" Oh great. The 'grand inquisitor' had put me up for a round of questioning.
"It was fine." I think I'll have a sandwich. Turkey sounded good right about now. My mouth started watering at the thought.
"Where are Kyle and Tweek? Aren't they with you?"
"No mom." I pulled things out of the cabinet and tried to make extra noise so I could pretend I couldn't hear her. Sadly, loaves of bread aren't incredibly noisy things. They just kinda go 'puff' when they're thrown on the counter.
"Well, where are they?" There was nervousness in her voice. She was probably afraid that I had been irresponsible and had left them to fend for themselves in this crazy back-country, redneck town. Like what, were they gonna get abducted? We'd already signed agreements with aliens that they weren't permitted to interfere with us any longer. Plus, we were still boxed off from the universe for the next couple decades.
"Friends' houses I guess."
"Oh how nice, they've made friends already." There was a break in conversation, but that ended when she heard me rustling through the fridge. "Stanley, what are you doing?"
"Getting something to eat."
"Try not to eat too much, dinner will be ready in about an hour." Another pause. "Do you have any homework?"
I sighed, getting 'ever so slightly' annoyed by her constant questioning. The grand inquisitor would've sent me to the scaffold by now. "It's Friday, Mom. I'll do it later."
"Just make sure you get it done...What're you making?" She was desperate for this conversation to continue.
"Mom, really?" I shouted as I put the finishing touches on a slovenly-prepared sandwich.
"I'm just wondering is all. It's not a crime to wonder what my baby is up to."
I subconsciously rolled my eyes. Deciding that it really would be best to ignore her last comment, I quickly made my way up to my room, closing and locking the door. Seriously. How old am I to her anyway? It seems that as kids grow up, parents try harder and harder to treat the like the kids they once were. Maybe that's just my know-it-all-14-year-old logic at work, but whatever, it was true in my, and my peers', minds, and that was all that matter at this age: the opinions of your peers.
I threw my backpack against the door and sat down on my bed, bouncing for a moment. I looked around it and sighed. There really was nothing for me to do. Garrison hadn't assigned any homework except to go over our parts; sadly enough. I sat at my desk and opened my janky laptop. It wasn't waking wake up, so I sat for, like, a million years tapping the spacebar, waiting for the stupid thing to wake up. It whirred and stirred to life, only to sit on the loading screen for another 20 minutes. In my head, I imagined myself tossing it across the room and having the thing shatter into millions of pieces. It was a satisfying image. And, as if it could read my thoughts, my computer's loading bar suddenly shot forward, finishing up whatever it was doing. Perhaps it was afraid of my internalized violent tendencies.
I opened up meebo and signed into my different chat platforms. I was going to be alone until sometime tomorrow, since both Tweek and Kyle were away for sleepovers, so I might as well connect with some old friends. I scrolled down my list of contacts; most of them people I friended only cause I knew their name and face. I sat back and stared at the screen, wondering what I should do.
Suddenly, I saw an old AIM screenname pop up that I hadn't seen in ages. I started typing:
[16:45] Sparky2013: hey dude!
[16:45] Sparky2013: how've ya been?
[19:45] Sparky2013: :)
[16:45] jb0905: hey!
[16:45] jb0905: ive been pretty good
[16:45] jb0905: until a few days ago
[16:45] jb0905: sam and i broke up
"Great conversation starter. :I"
I had typed that into the dialogue box and was actually tempted to send it, but it would've been really insensitive. I deleted it.
[16:45] Sparky2013: shit dude!
[16:45] Sparky2013: DDD:
[16:45] Sparky2013: what happened!
I hadn't even known he'd been dating someone. You can really tell how much I care. Whatever, I hadn't spoken to the dude in...uh...shit...how long? 2 months? 3? More?
[16:45] jb0905: but we might get back together when his schedule has mellowed out but idk and i hate not knowing
[16:45] jb0905: he has so much going on
[16:45] jb0905: there is literally no time for me :(
[16:46] Sparky2013: oh god...
[16:46] Sparky2013: that sucks
This time I meant it. It's the worst when you're the only item on the back of their 'to-do list' often left to be forgotten.
[16:46] jb0905: he has water polo prasctice before school every day
[16:46] jb0905: *practice
[16:46] jb0905: and after
[16:46] jb0905: and he lives like 25 minutes from his school
[16:46] jb0905: then he has to do all his homework
[16:46] jb0905: and he takes a bunch of aps and shit
I wasn't sure what to say so I just let him talk. I wasn't really good with this kind of thing. Besides, what do I know? He's a junior in high school I'm an eighth grader in middle school. We're on two completely different social, not to mention drama, levels. If it hadn't been for WoW we probably never would have met anyway. Not to mention the fact that he lives out on the east coast.
[16:46] Sparky2013: i guess it's better to sort things out first..
[16:46] Sparky2013: but still
[16:46] Sparky2013: that's ridiculous. Makes me want to justskip high school.
[16:47] jb0905: IKR? but then on the weekends hes doing college apps and trying to get recruited for water polo
[16:47] jb0905: and he lives 25 minutes from me
[16:47] Sparky2013: :(
[16:47] jb0905: so it was just not working
[16:47] Sparky2013: I haven't even had a bf in a lon glong time but I just haven't been interested but there might be someone noe. cause there's this guy...
[16:47] Sparky2013: *long long
[16:47] Sparky2013: *now
[16:47] jb0905: so i hope once water polo is over we can be together again
[16:48] jb0905: dude, you like a guy! Why haven't I heard about this!
[16:48] Sparky2013: ...ya I guess
[16:48] jb0905: who is he who is he who is he?
[16:48] Sparky2013: his name's kyle he's not friends with me on fb so I can't show you, sadly lol
[16:48] Sparky2013: but he is just the most amasing guy ever
[16:48] Sparky2013: he's like everything
[16:49] Sparky2013: it's amazing he's never had a gf/bf before o.o
[16:49] jb0905: oh shit for real?
[16:49] Sparky2013: ikr
[16:49] jb0905: go for himmm if u don't I'll run all thw way to Colorado and kick your ass ;P
[16:50] Sparky2013: thanks but I dunno
I didn't get a response. I waited for a bit but it seemed that Jake just kinda up and left.
[16:57] Sparky2013: Jake? u there?
[16:59] jb0905: ya, but I g2g. sam just called. I'm bettin somehtin good ;P
[16:59] jb0905: I'm gonna go meet him ttyl! buh bi!
[16:59] jb0905 is offline
I sat back in my chair again. I didn't really feel like talking to anyone else, and after that brief exchange of relationship statuses, I was really just not in the mood to connect with any of my other old friends. I'd probably check up on Jake later, see how he's doing with that Sam guy. I looked around my room again, completely at a loss on what to do. It was only almost 5...it was only 5 so there was no point in going to bed. This was frustrating. I turned back towards my computer. I suppose I could just do shit on the computer till dinner. And so that's what I did until I felt I could go to sleep without too much trouble, escaping the awfully boring afternoon turned evening. Sadly, my dreams were as equally drab and awful as my evening. But whatever, I probably wouldn't remember them after I woke up anyway.
The next morning, I awoke a little before 10, but I didn't move until 11:30, when my phone started ringing.
"Hello?" My voice was gravelly from having not been used since dinner the previous night. Speaking of dinner, I think there's still a kernel of corn in my teeth. Gross...
"H-Hey Stan. D'ya think you could –nnf, nrgh– come puh-pick me up?"
I flopped back in bed. My arm was already tired from holding up the phone. "Sure thing Tweek. You're still at Red's right?"
"Ngh, yeah! C-Can you come soon?" I could practically hear his nervous twitching.
"It's a pretty close walk. I'll be over in about half an hour. We can pick up Kyle on the way back. Tell him that for me will ya?"
Tweek was silent.
"Agh! I-I'm sorry! I forgot that you can't see people nodding over the phone!" I sighed. I had a slight headache from God knows what and Tweek's screeching over the phone was aggravating it ever so slightly. "I'll call him right now. S-See you soon, Stan!" He hung up and I was finally able to relax my arm. When my arm flopped down, my phone flew out of my hand and shot onto the floor. I could see the frost on the window melting as the midday sun slowly warmed it. I didn't want to go outside. It looked cold, and, as everyone knows, a comfortable bed with warm covers is just sooo much better than anything else on a Saturday morning. Save for a stack of pancakes dripping with warm syrup...or waffles...or French toast. Yes, today would be a great day for French toast. However, I had made a promise, and no matter how inconvenient or annoying a promise was, this Stanley Marsh was never one to puss out or back down. I got dressed and ran out the door. I was starving, but I figured that mom would be making lunch soon and whatever she had planned would definitely be better than anything I could've made. But I still really wanted that goddamn French toast. My stomach noisily agreed.
I reached Red's house at a decent time, having to jog a bit to make sure I made it within my promised half hour. Red's house was quite a bit further than I remembered and I figured Tweek would be the kind of kid who'd be expecting you to arrive on time, or else he'd jump to the conclusion that something scary or tragic had happened. When I looked up at the house, I saw that Tweek had been watching at the window for me and he immediately ran outside. Apparently he'd been given a makeover this morning. He was wearing modest makeup and his hair was done up in two little messy buns, probably with the help of extensions, but it didn't look fake at all so I couldn't really tell. A good thing I suppose. He was wearing the dark skinny jeans he'd worn yesterday as well as some borrowed clothes: a long, white military style coat; a gray, checkered scarf was draped around his neck, and, on his feet, he had someone's unwanted ankle boots that had a rather ostentatious bow on the side. Modern fashion: unlike what almost every stereotype claims, being gay has done nothing to help me understand it more.
"Uhh...you look nice?" I offered. He didn't look like a middle schooler; he looked much older than that, high school maybe. I had no idea why he was dressed so nicely for a walk home, but what I did know was that his feet were gonna die if he wore those boots the rest of the walk home.
"Th-Thanks." Tweek blushed and gently fiddled with pieces of hair that were sticking out of one of his buns. The way he had his feet turned in and the way he carried himself was just the most adorable thing I'd seen since the last adorable thing he'd done. I was wondering if I wasn't beginning to fall for Tweek as well. But I knew that that wasn't possible. It would just be a bad idea, for more than one reason. "Ack! Sh-Shouldn't we g-go to get Kyle now?" He seemed to have forgotten for a moment that his cousin had yet to join us.
"Yeah...let's go." I turned away, trying to look nonchalant, but I think I only managed to pull off the 'uncaring asshole' pose. Great.
We walked in silence for a while. It was only when Tweek started to slow down a bit – probably because the shoes were starting to really hurt his feet – that I spoke to him again. "You doing ok, dude?"
"Y-Yeah...my feet just hurt like a b-bitch. How the hell to girls –nrgh– wear these things for so long?"
I felt a bad for him, we were only half way to Wendy's and we still had the whole walk back. Aha! I had an idea. "Hey Tweek, I'll carry you for a bit."
"N-NO!...Uhm...that's o-okay, Stan! I-I can –ack– h-handle it! I don't need your help!"
I sighed, rolled my eyes and continued walking, pointedly walking a bit fast to try and convince him that he really wouldn't be able to keep up comfortably. I was going to be the romantic hero, whether my damsel in distress liked it or not.
"Ack! Asshole, you're speeding up!"
My brilliant plan had been unveiled; I couldn't help but chuckle a bit. "C'mon Tweek, we're gonna be late."
"Stan, wait!" I slowed and let him catch up. "Fine, you can...dammit...you can carry me..." His lips were twisting and pursing in embarrassment and irritation no doubt. This was a low blow to his pride as a man: to be carried around like some weak chick.
I crouched down in front of him. "C'mon. We'll get there a lot faster this way." He hopped up and I hefted him up until he was sitting more comfortably on my back and began to walk again. His arms were wrapped tightly around my neck, but not so tightly that I couldn't breathe. And despite being so thin, the boy was incredibly warm and comfortable. I wouldn't have minded cuddling with him a bit; he was comfy as hell. I swear to you, I'm not a pervert.
"...Do I..." He trailed off and was completely silent for a moment; perhaps he'd been planning how to phrase his question?
I tried to look back at him, but my head wouldn't turn that far. "Hm?"
"D-Do I really –nnf–" I could feel him spasm against my back, his grip tightened for a moment before relaxing again. It kinda felt like a brief, wrap-around, bear hug. "Do I...really luh-look like a girl? Do I really look like one?" He sounded like he was about to cry. The sound of his voice practically broke my heart.
I felt bad. It hadn't hit me until just then, but I felt so incredibly bad, like there was the weight of guilt on my back. I had intended for that to be figurative, but it wound up being literal. I know that if I had passed off as a girl as easily as these guys had, I would've been thoroughly insulted. I felt a bit sick with myself, and I felt especially pissed off with Kenny and Cartman, making Tweek and Kyle...Kyle...
"Ah, oh, sorry. I was just thinking." I paused, looking down at the hands that were loosely knotted in front of me. "No, Tweek...no. You don't look anything like a girl. You're 100 percent male."
He laid his head on my shoulder and I could practically feel his sad smile burn into my skin. "Thanks, Stan. Th-Thanks for saying what I wanted to hear."
"...No problem Tweek."
(A/N: This would've been a good stopping point, but I owe you guys so much more. So on we go :D)
We got to Wendy's house and Tweek hopped off my back. He was a little wobbly walking across the ice in heels so I gave him my arm to help him walk. He didn't appreciate being 'escorted' like he was, but when I told him he could easily break his ankle if he slipped and fell, he was all too happy to let me help him walk. I felt a bit bad exploiting his weakness like that, but whatever works. We walked up the steps without any incident. Tweek let go of my arm as I rang Wendy's bell and turned away from he door, waiting for her to answer. I could hear muffled voices and bustling about from the other side of the door, and then, 2 minutes later, Kyle emerged and promptly shut the door behind him. He was still in his pajamas.
"Hey Kyle." I greeted with a wave that I later realized must have appeared incredibly stiff and awkward.
"Hi Kyle!" Tweek was happy to be back within the comfort of his cousin's direct vicinity; it instantly calmed him down.
"Hey guys. Let's go." Kyle trotted down the steps ahead of us. Tweek and I took our dear sweet time making our way down, Tweek clinging for dear life. Kyle was patient as he waited at the end of the walk. When we rejoined, we formed a horizontal line and continued on our icy adventure. Once off the unusuallyicy patches, Tweek felt relatively safe to walk again. We were walking in silence for a little while until Kyle spoke up. "Um, Tweek. Why're you so dressed up?" Good question. I'd forgotten to ask.
"Ah! Uhm...wuh-well..." The twitching commenced. I rolled my eyes ever so slightly.
"C'mon, you can tell me. You've never kept anything from me before." Kyle sounded a bit more annoyed than curious. Perhaps he hadn't gotten much sleep last night, or maybe the girls had worn him out with their annoying jibber-jabber. Perhaps it had been a deadly combination of both.
"I...Iyavuhday." That wasn't what he was actually saying, but that's sure as hell what it sounded like.
"Tweek..." Kyle had his motherly 'tell-me-or-you're-gonna-be-in-trouble' voice set. His voice was a bit gravelly this morning. Getting sick maybe? He was at a higher altitude, and Chicago isn't nearly as cold as Colorado this time of year. Oh shit...
"I...have a um...well it's just a...I uh, kinda have a...umm...a-a d-duh-d-date...with Craig. T-Today..." Tweek started to tug at the hem of his coat nervously, twisting and pulling the fabric in all different ways. If he'd been strong enough, the coat would've been ruined.
Neither one of us knew what to say to that. Kyle didn't know this, so he wasn't as shocked as I was, but Craig had never really been that straight forward of a guy, nor had he really been one to let everyone know what was going on upstairs; despite common misconception.
"Well...umm...that's great Tweek. When is it?" It had been quite the week, I don't think anything would surprise me anymore.
"I-It's AAGH!" Tweek's heeled foot slipped out from under him. Thankfully, Kyle and I each managed to grab an arm and save him from busting his butt on the concrete. "Nnnn..." He whimpered nervously. "Th-Thanks for saving my life, guys." What a melodramatic kid.
I held on to his arm as I positioned myself in front of him. I pulled him up onto my back, forcing him into a piggyback ride. He scooched up and wriggled around until he got comfortable. I couldn't help but smile a bit at him again. It was no wonder all these guys were flocking around him. He was everything they wanted in a girl: meek, unintentionally cute, sweet at heart, and plus, a major bonus, he felt real. There was nothing about him that gave off the vibe that he was putting on any sort of airs to try and impress. And he wasn't nearly as complicated as most girls our age. Mom always said that girls were complicated only because they matured faster than us boys, so they were much farther ahead than we were. But I think girls are always just crazy confusing, no matter what age us boys are at.
"Sorry about this, Stan." Kyle mumbled. "Tweek can be a little..."
"It's alright. I don't really mind. It'll keep me in shape for football." I tried to cover it up with a laugh, but I didn't have enough air for one, so it just came out as an asthmatic wheeze.
Kyle quirked an eyebrow at me. "He's not a baby you know, he doesn't have to be treated like glass."
"You do the same thing!" I accused. I liked taking care of Tweek, but I didn't like being called out on it. It was like I was the older sibling for a change, and the thought that Tweek depended on me, even if it's for such a small thing as traversing over an icy walkway, made me feel all warm and proud inside. I can kinda understand why Kyle would want to monopolize that feeling; it felt really nice. And I don't mean it in that way you perverted assholes. For those of you who didn't think of it that way, congratulations, and I'm sorry for putting thoughts in your head. For those of you who did...well, I suppose I'm just as bad as you, seeing as how I brought it up.
Kyle blushed ad looked away from me. "N-No, that's different. I'm his cousin."
I smiled, maybe a little condescendingly, down at Kyle. "Yeah. I know. But I think I kinda like taking care of him too."
Kyle never looked back at me. The three of us were silent the whole way home.
(A/N: Again, another good ending point, but...dammit I love you guys too much TT^TT on we go!)
"You WHAT? ALREADY?" I could hear Kenny shouting form the other end of the line. Tweek's ear must be hurting like a son of a mother, or maybe almost as bad as my back, shoulders, and arms were feeling. I'd carried the guy almost the whole way back, and I was pretty sure I wouldn't move another inch for the rest of the day.
"Y-Yeah. It's at 2 O'clock." Tweek weakly muttered into the receiver. He sounded pitifully sad. Today was not turning out to be an incredibly good day.
"Well, well, look at what we have here. Twitchy here has his first date." Cartman, Tweek, and Kenny were all on a three-way conversation. Kyle and I had are faces pressed against Tweek, trying to hear what was being said. Tweek pulled away from us and put the phone on speaker. No longer needing to hold myself up to listen to the phone, I flopped over. I was twisted awkwardly, but I didn't really care. I'd move as soon as something fell asleep and I felt pins and needles. Till then, screw it.
"Nnf! Ack! A-And the only reason -nrgh- I'm telling you guys -aff- is because of that stupid agreement!" Tweek had a sturdy frown on his face and a slight flush on his cheeks, but this one seemed to be more of aggravation than of shy embarrassment.
Cartman ignored that 'insignificant' detail, as he often ever so conveniently did. "So, where are you going? What are you doing? We need to gain access to all the security cameras in all the areas you'll be visiting, granted there are any. Otherwise we'll have to improvise and set up cameras ourselves." Cartman was beginning to mutter to himself more than to us. I cleared my throat and that brought him back to the conversation at present. "Anyhow, I'll need a detailed list of all the places you'll be going."
"Cartman, it's illegal to film someone without their permission." Kyle was a smart one; he'd found a loophole. I sent him a telepathic back pat. Not that he'd ever know it.
"No it's not." Cartman rebutted; ignorance is bliss, but if it interferes with the law it's just stupidity.
"Y-Yes it is! Kyle's dad's a lawyer. He knows about all these things, a-and he'll sue your f-fat ass, Cartman!" I was pleasantly surprised with Tweek's unexpected backbone. Not that it'll always be there, but every once in a while would be nice.
"I'm not going to risk my cousin for one of your stupid games. Besides, in the contract, it says we only have to tell you that we have a date. It says nothing about informing you when or where." I grinned and nodded over at Kyle, mouthing a 'nice' in the most frat boy like way imaginable. I must have looked so stupid and...so redneck-ish. But he smirked and gave me a 'sup dude' nod, jerking his chin in my direction, and really looking like a guy for a moment before his face relaxed into one of concentration as he focused on the conversation again.
"God dammit Kenny, why did you write such a piss-poor contract. It's almost as poor as you!" Kenny screamed like a friggen banshee before charging Cartman, knocking him to the floor, and wrestling with the flabby mountain that was Cartman, if the screaming, clatters, bashes, and bangs were anything to go by. This fight was going to last a while and we didn't really have all that long. We'd gotten home at about noon, eaten lunch, showered, and it was now almost 1:30. Tweek gently shut his phone and sighed, glad that the stressful interview was over and done with.
"Well Tweek. Better get back in your clothes, you date's in less than half an hour." I bluntly reminded. I looked at Kyle's face and it clearly read 'you moron' and I was instantly confused. What had I done? Well, I'd surely find out in a moment. Because Tweek, upon hearing this, tweaked the fuck out. He was spasming and panicking like I'd never seen him do before. He couldn't walk in a straight line if his life depended on it. Had I done anything to help these guys out today? Hardly.
"Tweek! Tweek! Calm down, dude. It's ok!" Kyle tried to comfort his cousin, but Tweek was so stressed out it seemed like nothing would help.
"Tweek," I figured this was worth a try, I didn't think I could make things any worse at this rate, "Craig is late to everything. Plus he only lives like 10 minutes away. You have more than 20 minutes to get ready." Well, it seemed to help somewhat.
"Tweek, Tweek, look at me." Kyle grasped Tweek's head in both hands, gently rubbing his cheeks with the pads of his thumbs. I bet many a man would give their left nut to have his hands on Tweek's cheeks and to look into those teary, acid green eyes. I, myself, was quite jealous, but it wasn't my moment. Regrettably. Oh shit, am I falling for Tweek? No, no that can't...that can't be. Besides, that'd be breaking the bro code...in a sense. Cause I guess Kenny liked him first...but Kenny never really had Tweek. So that doesn't make Tweek his ex. Does the bro code even apply to dating other guys? I suppose so...it's only fair that it does, really.
"...so you gonna be ok?" Kyle concluded. Oh shit, 'concluded'? I totally zoned out for that whole conversation.
"Y-Yeah." He sniffed, smiling up at Kyle. "Thanks dude. I'm sorry I'm so muh-much t-trouble. You must think I'm really annoying, you probably want to get rid of me first chance you get. Oh gods, if I'm thrown out here I'll have to survive in the freezing cold and snow! I won't make it out there, man!"
"Tweeeeek..." Kyle warned. Tweek said not another word. He just rubbed his hand under his nose, sniffing noisily. "Just...go have fun, ok? And Stan and I will handle Cartman and Kenny. Ok? Try not to worry so much!"
"Now get dressed, dammit!" Kyle grabbed Tweek's clothes, threw them into his arms and shoved him into the bathroom. Once Tweek was inside, Kyle fell back against the door before slowly sliding down into a squat. He closed his eyes and let out a slow sigh.
"That looks like tough work. Have you always had to do that?"
Kyle cracked open an eye. "Tweek's been my cousin longer than I can remember. Besides, his brother's almost the same way."
"Brother? First I've heard of it."
Kyle motioned for me to be quiet by putting one of his flawless fingers to his pretty pink lips. And guess what? I obeyed. Like a whipped dog. Cute boys broke any bit of backbone I'd ever grown.
There was shuffling, NNF!-ing, and ACK!-ing from the other side of the door as the minutes ticked by. Tweek had 6 minutes to get to Craig's on time, but we didn't dare say anything. Tweek opened the door, without checking to see if he had a half asleep cousin on the other side, sending Kyle tumbling backwards. "Ah! I'm sorry Kyle! Stan! We have to hurry!"
"Yeah, c'mon, let's go." The three of us ran downstairs as only three noisy adolescent boys could.
"Now where are you off to in such a hurry?" My mom asked good-naturedly from her spot at the dining room table. She was reading something, but I was far too busy with my own affairs to give it a second thought
"Shut up, Mom! We have to go!" I'm such a little asshole, but Mom loves me anyway. I'd apologize later.
I grabbed my shoes and Kyle struggled to get into my sister's Uggs. I never understood why those were so popular. They almost always looked gross, they smelt bad after you wore them like 10 times, and they weren't incredibly original. I guess comfort made up for it. That's how crocs survived I suppose.
I've been getting worse about tangents. I need to control that.
Tweek had grown tired of waiting, but he knew that he couldn't go anywhere without me. He was fidgeting with the doorknob. He was like a puppy that really had o go to the bathroom and his master was taking their sweet time. "C'mon, Stan!" He urged impatiently.
"Chill out, we're almost done." I finished tying my other shoe just as Kyle finally managed to fit into his other boot.
"Ok, n-now let's get out of here!" Tweek threw the door open and instantly froze to the spot.
"What's up?" I joined him in the door way, and what I saw equally surprised me.
"Why'd you guys stop, don't we have to—" Kyle had no need to finish what he'd be saying. For the answer was on my doorstep, fist poised in the air, ready to knock.
"Hey girls...and Stan." I didn't like how the bastard said that. Like he'd been planning to just leave me as being included with the 'girls.'
"Craig!" Tweek was clearly ecstatic. "Y-You're here! Why? I thought we were..."
"...Cause I felt like it." Craig looked from Tweek to Kyle to me and then back to Tweek. "I'm glad you could come with me today. I thought you wouldn't be able to."
"W-Well yeah. Why wouldn't I?" Tweek was tugging at his buns again. Craig was a lucky man to have acquired such a cute kid. Granted, he still thought Tweek was a girl, but we're putting that aside.
Why were we still standing in the doorway?
Craig looked at me. "Cause it's this asshole's birthday today."
To Be Continued . . .
Chapter 11: What's Going On Here?
Kyle and Tweek turned around and gaped at me. "It's your birthday?" They both seemed totally gobstopped.
"Er, uh, no. It's a week from today, but yeah, it's coming up."
"Oh." Craig looked indifferent about his little mistake. "Well, if that's the case, let's go Tweek." Craig turned around and started to walk away.
"Ah! C-Craig, you asshole, wait up!" Tweek gripped onto the railing for dear life as he walked uneasily down icy stairs. Kyle and I watched as he trotted awkwardly after Craig, who'd decided to wait at the end of my sidewalk.
"Idiot, like I'd actually leave you behind."
"Nngh..." Tweek frowned at Craig ever so slightly. I heard him mutter 'jerk' before turning around to wave goodbye to us. I couldn't help but chuckle when Craig flipped me off from behind Tweek's back before bopping him on the head, clearly not appreciating being called an asshole and a jerk. Though Tweek had every right in my opinion.
Kyle's eyes turned to me but his head remained facing forward. "So...it's your birthday...next week."
"Yeah, I guess so."
We stood awkwardly in the doorway. I was fidgeting about and looking for something to say as my heart palpitated in my chest.
"Wanna follow them?" Kyle turned his head, finally, and looked up at me with a mischievous smirk.
That sounded like an incredible amount of fun, and I couldn't help but grin like a crazy idiot. "Hell yeah."
"Although," Kyle whispered, "this is technically stalking, isn't it?"
"It's not stalking as long as they don't know we're here."
"No, I really don't think that's how it works. Dude, we're watching them from inside of a bush." We had chosen a patch of those pine-needle bush things, or whatever they're called, to hide in as we watched them sit on the swing set at the park.
"It was your idea."
"...Shut up. Irrelevant details. Besides, you went along with it." Kyle pulled a face that clearly said 'give up, I win'. So all I could really do was give a resigned sigh and go back to watching Craig and Tweek. There was no arguing with this kid. I was watching the two very closely, but they still had yet to do anything interesting. It looked like they were just talking, but I couldn't hear what they were saying from here. I would have wanted to get closer, but there was no place to hide. Plus we'd be spotted if we tried to switch our hiding places now.
"This is really boring." I muttered.
"Yeah, it kinda is. But we can't go anywhere. Not until they turn away at least." Suddenly Tweek let out a loud, seemingly panicked cry. He jumped out of the swing and onto his boots with their thin, wobbly heels. He tipped instantly, and was on his ass in seconds. I almost got up from my hiding spot to go help him, but managed to keep my prince-in-shining-armor persona under control. I wasn't about to turn us in just cause Tweek took a tumble. Besides, the instant Tweek had started to teeter, Craig was up on his feet. He'd clearly meant to keep Tweek from falling, but hadn't gotten there in time. He did, however help Tweek up off the snowy ground. He had his hands on Tweek's upper arms, looking him over. I assumed he was asking him whether or not he was ok. I guess I was right because shortly after Tweek nodded a couple times.
Kyle tapped my shoulder, "What do you think of that?" He asked.
"I dunno..." I answered honestly, "Something good I hope."
Craig had apparently decided he'd had enough of the cold and turned to leave, though keeping his eyes trained on Tweek. Tweek smiled, seeming to quite like the idea, and the two of them turned away from us and headed out towards Craig's.
We waited a minute or so after they'd disappeared before we stood up from out hiding spots. I could feel my knees pop as I stood, and my muscles were all nicely cramped up. My left leg had fallen asleep and the pins and needles I was feeling made me hobble for a bit till it wore off. We walked in silence for a long time. We both silently agreed that we didn't want to stalk them anymore, especially after being stuck in snow-covered bushes for...it had to have been at least half an hour, though I wasn't entirely sure.
However, now that we were evaluating the scene in front of us like a couple of crime investigators, we had kinda run out of things to say. Well, I had plenty of things that I could say, but it would only lead to an awkward half-conversation followed by an even more awkward silence. So, I decided to keep my mouth shut and just stare straight ahead. Suddenly, the smell of something delicious wafted past my nose. I stopped and sniffed, but it was gone almost instantly. However, during that brief—oh god there it is again.
Kyle left out a gentle moan, "Mmm, that smells so good." He had his eyes shut and a goofy, crooked smile was beginning to spread across his face. "Where's that coming from?"
"Oh, it's this place called "Coffee Haus" spelled H-A-U-S. It's about a block back that way." I pointed behind me. "Wanna go? I think we owe it to ourselves after crouching in the snow for forever."
He opened his eyes and looked at me, the dark green pools smiling at me. "Hell yeah I wanna go. That sounds friggen amazing."
We about-faced and headed back toward Coffee Haus, excited to warm our bodies in the heated building, and to warm our insides with something delicious.
I sat down, not feeling satisfied I had finally gotten my drink, but embarrassed because Kyle had had to pay. I looked like some cheap-ass guy who had "accidentally" left their wallet behind just so I could avoid paying for the lovely "lady" I was accompanying. The barista had given me a disapproving look, while Kyle had actually looked happy to pay. Perhaps he was just happy to finally be able to be a man, in the sense that he was paying for me instead of vice versa.
We got comfy at our table and had taken the lids off of our drinks, watching as the steam rise as we blew on the surface. "So," I began awkwardly, "what kind of stuff do you guys do in Chicago?"
Kyle looked up at me and furrowed his brow. "Hm," he thought for a moment, "I dunno, just whatever we feel like. Go out to eat, hang out at the beach despite the fact that it's kinda dirty and the water doesn't get warm till, like, late July. You know, almost every week during the summer there is some obscure or semi-famous artist that'll perform at Millennium Park. It's pretty cool. Well, that's for days we actually wanna go out and do shit." He took a sip of his pumpkin spice latte thing. Apparently it was still too hot, as he pulled a face and flicked his tongue in and out of his mouth. A weird habit we have when we've scalded our tongues; or maybe that's just us. Who knows? "Usually we'll just go over to each others' houses and hang out. I actually, technically, live in one of the suburbs that's like right up against the Chicago border, but I just say Chicago cause people know about it. I mean, who's heard of "Oak Park" anyhow? Anyways, I just hop on the train and I'm in the center of Chicago in like 20 minutes."
I nodded and offered a weak 'uh-huh.' I was just going to let him ramble, cause I didn't really have anything to say. My mind was drawing a blank.
"But uh...yeah..." He sniffled his nose. Rubbing it with the back of his hand a moment before sniffing again. "Gross, I think I'm coming down with another cold..."
"It was probably from being out in the cold for so long."
"Yeah, probably. In Chicago, we're lucky if we get snow in December. I can't remember ever having it in October."
"Wow...I can't imagine not having snow around for more than the 3 months of summer we get."
"Haha, our climate is so weird. It gets cold late, and then winter ends late, and we've got, like, next to no spring. Kind of a shame, though with my allergies, I really don't mind."
"Ahh that sucks. I have asthma, and I tend to have more trouble with it during the fall." I took a sip of my hot chocolate. I could feel the heat through the plastic lid of my cup before it reached my tongue and I quickly put it back down before it could burn my tongue. I'd let it sit a little while longer. I stared at my cup a moment before chuckling. "We're like a couple of old men."
"Oh? How so?" He braved another sip of his drink. Still too hot, apparently.
"Well, we're sitting here, drinking...actually, it'd be more appropriate if it were coffee, but we're sitting at one of those two person tables, talking about the weather and our health." I chuckled a bit, "maybe we should brought our chess board."
Kyle stared at me for a moment, as if he was waiting for his mind to register what I said. Then he started laughing, almost spilling his drink onto those pale hands of his. "Oh god," he said through his chuckles, "the mental picture, hahaha, that's hilarious!" My laughter soon escalated to match his. I didn't care that we were drawing attention, or that people were staring at the girl with the deeper, manlier laugh than had been expected out of her.
Kyle was the first one to stop laughing. "Come on," he said, standing up, "let's head back to your place." He outstretched his hand and smiled down at me: the perfect gentleman in women's clothing.
I couldn't help the blush on my cheeks as I reached for his hand. "Kay..." We picked up our still very hot drinks and headed out, walking hand in hand.
We had finished our drinks on the walk home. Unfortunately, they had gone cold by the time we were only about half done, so it kinda defeated the point of getting the hot drinks if they were just gonna get cold. Regardless, we made it home in one piece. Mom was watching TV on the couch next to Dad, who was complaining about having to watch the girly show that mom liked.
"Hey, Mom! We're home! Be up in my room. Call us when dinner's ready. Thanks!" We were already up the stairs by the time I finished greeting my mom in the quickest and most brusque way possible. That way, it didn't invite unwanted questioning. I made my way around the spare beds that had been placed for my esteemed guests before flopping down on my own and throwing my arm across my eyes. I didn't know what had taken it out of me, but for some reason I was suddenly dead tired. Thinking back, I realized that I hadn't eaten, and then I'd carried Tweek home, and then I'd gone out on that super sleuth mission. It was already well into the afternoon. Guess I did know what took it out of me...
I felt Kyle sit down next to me. "You alright dude?"
"Yeah, I'm just really tired." I didn't want to mention how hungry I was at the moment. I figured I'd get lectured if I told him I hadn't eaten that day. I could feel Kyle shifting. Something brushed against my sides. I slowly removed my arm from my eyes. Kyle had a hand placed on either side of my waist, leaning over me, looking me straight in the eye. His curls hung down towards my face, and his eyes were filled with a weird mix of concern, confusion, and annoyance. "W-What?"
He leaned in even closer, till we weren't more than a couple inches away from each other. I could feel my heart begin to pound in my chest so hard I was afraid I was having a heart attack. Breathing became so difficult I had to stop doing it for a moment. Heat shot up to my face and I could feel the slightest tingle of excitement in my groin. Curse these goddamn hormones. He leaned closer still till our foreheads were touching. His lips parted a moment and his eyes closed, as if concentrating heavily on something. I was wondering if I should take the plunge and lean in to kiss him. Was he inviting me to kiss him? Should I take the initiative? But before I could decide, he pulled away. He turned away from me and brought a hand up to his face. I wondered what kind of expression he was making. I kind of wished I could see his face at that moment, to know what he was thinking, what he was feeling. Or to at least see his ears so I could register a blush. I just wanted to see something.
"Well," he began shakily. I waited with baited breath. "It looks like you don't have a fever." He turned to look at me, apparently he had had enough time to compose himself while I was still a flustered mess. "That's a relief."
Numbness began to coat the disappointment that sat on my chest like a 20-pound weight. I had no idea what had just happened or how I should react, so all I could do was stare and mutter weakly. "Yeah...what a relief..."
To Be Continued . . .