This isn’t happening. This really isn’t fucking happening. Adam’s heard of alien abductions, but aliens who abduct are supposed to probe, not read fanfic. It’s just his luck to get stuck with the only group who ever have.
It’s bad enough that they beamed him up right in the middle of a show - and just how the hell is his management going to be able to spin that into positive PR? - but he’s also lucky enough to get the only alien abductors in the history of ever who are addicted to reading bad online porn; porn that was apparently written by his own fans, no less.
Adam wanted to die of embarrassment when they started reading passages out loud to him, asking if he really is that big. They couldn’t even take his word for it; they had to check for themselves. Maybe being measured isn’t as bad as being probed, but it’s damned close in his book.
But then they move on to reading about different acts - some of which he’s never even heard of, let alone tried - and they keep asking him things like how does this one feel, and does that one cause as much damage as it sounds like it would.
After the second tour through the laundry list of kinks they’ve compiled, all of which Adam denies any personal knowledge of or experience with, the aliens decide that all the sexcapades they’ve been reading about him having must have scrambled his memory. They seem to think since it’s written and stored in the virtual vault of the internet, all those stories must be true.
The aliens decide maybe a little visual stimulation would help his memory. Before he can even ask what the hell they’re planning on doing, the entire ship is full of men: men he knows and men he doesn’t. Shit, some of the men are so absolutely perfect that he swears they can’t be real. The aliens insist that Adam must remember them all - their research shows he’s had sex with all of them at some point.
He hears a chorus of protests at that. He hears some voices he recognizes mixed in with the multitude. He even blushes a little when he hears a slow Arkansas twang insisting that it’s married and would never do any such thing. He looks in the direction the words came from, and sure as shit, there’s Kris, standing indignantly, hands on his hips.
While he’s looking around, he spots cupcake pink hair. “Hey, Tommy. Sorry about all this.”
“‘s okay, dude. It was kinda boring, standing around on stage after you left, anyway. But just so you know, man, I’ve done lots of those things, just with chicks. If they could maybe put some fucking big tits on you, I could get into it.”
Before the idea has a chance to take hold in the aliens’ minds, Adam says, “We are so not going there, Tommy. I told you before, I don’t stuff or tuck for anybody.”
Adam hears a very indignant, scathing voice and knows who it is without even looking. “What the actual fuck? Why did you bring my little brother here?”
When the aliens start to answer with But we’ve read..., Neil cuts them off with, “You are too fucking stupid to be real aliens. You’re supposed to ask to be taken to our leader. You could have gotten me a personal meeting with Obama, but, no. You just want to know about my brother’s dick. I’d tell you to go fuck yourself, but you’d probably want to see it demonstrated first.”
Adam can hear Brad in the background, and thinks he must be talking to one of the aliens. “Oh, honey, tentacles are so last year. You should come let me fix you up before you decide to entertain next time.”
“Brad! Are you actually flirting with an alien?” Adam asks, because, seriously, only Brad would do that.
“No, Adam. I’m not flirting, Just offering help to those less fabulous than I...or should that be less fabulous than me?” Adam can’t believe Brad’s actually striking a pose, brows arched, one finger under his chin and his other hand on his cocked hip. “Whatever,” he continues in an overly bright voice. “I’ll just be over here in the corner, letting some of these fine, strong men teach me all about these kinks, m’k?”
“I don’t even think those guys are real, Brad,” Adam starts, but it’s already too late. Brad’s deep in conversation with the pretty, plastic harem.
The aliens start grumbling about how he must have tried some of these things with at least one of the men they’ve gathered - so many words would not be wasted without any basis in fact, after all - when Adam sees a pair of familiar, smiling eyes in the crowd. “Sauli, baby!”
Sauli marches right up to one of the aliens, poking him in the chest as he talks. “If Adam says he has not tried these things with these men, you should believe him.” Sauli puts his arm around Adam’s waist as he continues, looking Adam right in the eye now. “I believe him.”
Adam kisses Sauli on the very top of his swirly hair, because how did he ever get so lucky? “Thanks, baby.”
But then things go so absolutely batshit crazy that Adam wouldn’t believe it if he wasn’t standing right there witnessing it. Sauli asks for, and is given, a list of the kinks and positions and situations the aliens are so obsessed with. Adam’s not sure exactly what Sauli’s plan is, but he does trusts him. At least until he hears Sauli remarking, “This one looks interesting,” and “Oh, I don’t think even Adam could do that.”
And now Sauli’s huddled over the list, the aliens trying to look over his shoulder, and Adam could swear that Sauli’s making notes. “It might not be the best idea to encourage them, baby,” he starts, only to be interrupted by Sauli’s hand, raised in the universal stop gesture, and it really must be universal, because even the aliens quit chattering. Adam’s really impressed with Sauli’s forcefulness right now. It might even be turning him on a little, something he tries desperately to hide from their captors.
“I have a proposal to make,” Sauli tells the aliens, and Adam’s not sure if he wants to hear it or not. “If you let us go, we will take your list with us. We will try everything that sounds remotely possible. We will then report our findings to you.”
Adam thinks everything was fine until Sauli got to that last part, and he’s about to say that when Sauli continues. “Your list is very long, though. It might take quite some time to work through all of it. You should give us at least sixty or seventy years to properly try all of these things. We want to have time to fully explore each one of them. You can come back and find us then.”
While they’re waiting for the aliens to put them all back where they belong, Adam can’t resist pulling Sauli into a hug and kissing him. “Do I have the best boyfriend ever, or what?” he asks no one in particular, because, really? They are so totally gonna try these things.
They’re all excited to get back to where they belong, except possibly Brad. He has to give up his group of very, very pretty men, and he has no idea where to find them when they’re back home. He tells Adam that it probably wouldn’t have worked out anyway. “When I asked them what they did, they all said the same thing. How successful can an OMC be, anyway? I’ve never even heard of it before.”