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“I wonder how they’re doing…”
I raised my head to eye her. “They?”
“Yeah” she took a sip on her drink “The little guys on my lab and such.”
I looked at her for a moment. Roxy seemed genuinely concerned, tapping the top of her knee with the tips of the fingers of her left hand. “You care about them.” I remarked quietly.
“Well, yeah, I’ve kept those little guys fed and safe, haven’t I?” she frowned lightly “They probably wonder where I went…”
“I’m sure you’re overly concerned. They are living in their homes, they can find their own sustenance. They shall be perfectly fine.” I gripped my knee, unable to dodge the jealous feeling that took over me. “I see no purpose in you coddling perfectly grown adults who can take care of their own families.”
“Don’t be so cold, Rosie.” she looked at me, her bright pink eyes leaving me defenseless and causing me to coldly stare back “I’m just being me.”
“You make it sound as if you’ve had a particularly happy life being you…” I couldn’t stop the words exiting my lips, whilst frustration built up inside me.
“Ow, Rosie.” she furrowed her eyebrows. “That’s not fair. It’s not bad thing to be. Me, I mean.” she played with her glass “I’m pretty much fucked up sideways, but I’m not a bad person.” she pouted, her eyes looking determined “I’ll keep being me.”
“Even if it hurts you?” I gazed firmly at the floor, bitting my lower lip.
“Even if it hurts me.”
I shut my eyes and turned to face her once more. “So you’ll just keep striving for something you may never attain? Risking your happiness for something that may not even deserve you?” I kept my tone calm, holding the emotions inside.
“You mean, you, Rosie?” she tilted her head lightly, looking tenderly at me.
I turned away, remaining in silence. I watched her, through the corner of my eye, as she put down her glass and looked over at me.
Her eyes showed no hurt nor anger. She looked perfectly collected and understanding, striking me with an urge to turn around and bury myself in her embrace, sobbing while muttering overwhelmingly pathetic things regarding feelings and wishes.
“I…” my voiced died in my throat. What was I trying to acomplish, really?
Was I trying to reconnect with my own mother? Yet this is not exactly my mother. Was I trying to make a new friend? Was I not simply too tired of being alone and with no one left to share whatever I could possibly have to share? Was I really that willing to share myself with the alcoholic and painfully kind woman sitting right beside me?
What was it that I wanted? Regardless of my thought process and excuses, it all came down to the same answer. I wanted to be with her.
How could I possibly admit to someone but myself that I wanted her company so much that I could barely sleep at night, drowning in my own tears and absolutely incapable of throwing away the pain.
“I…” I repeated, pulling her face to crush her lips with mine, stopping my thoughts for a moment and kissing her as she had always deserved to be kissed. Pulling back before she could even react, I muttered “I never said you could never attain me…”
Her expression softened before pulling me into her arms and allowing me to cry my spirits out.