Work Text:
Just a heads up; I’ve given the Cap a phone at last. Part of his integration with the 21st century and all that. Expect some hilarious texts from an unknown number within the next few days.
- Tony
What, you’re not going to show him how to use it?
- Bruce
Where’s the fun in that?
- Tony
You’re not a nice person.
- Bruce
My stunningly erotic physique makes up for that, though.
- Tony
Keep telling yourself that. Oh, just to let you know, I always find autocorrect or predictive text makes for some genuinely LOL-worthy moments. I’m only telling you this off the cuff. Not expecting you to put it into action as part of some dastardly plan or anything. Nope.
- Bruce
I will forgive the use of LOL because you are an actual genius.
- Tony
I know.
- Bruce
*
HELOITS SEVE
- Unknown
What? Sorry, I think you may have the wrong number.
- Bruce
NOBRU E I TS ETEVE
- Unknown
Eteve? I don’t know anyone by that name.
- Bruce
DON TBE ANAS SHO LETHS HONEISA HARDTS OUSE
- Unknown
One of those Blackberry types, huh? Tiny little keys?
- Bruce
YE
- Unknown
S
- Unknown
I’ll save the number as ‘Eteve’. When you work out how to only press one key at once, get back to me.
- Bruce
IWILA KSIL TONEY
- Eteve
*
This is the best idea I’ve ever had.
- Tony
I’m inclined to disagree. I’ve had thirteen blank text messages this morning.
- Natasha
Aw, come on. Surely even you can appreciate the humour?
- Tony
You Russians. All so stoic, all the time.
- Tony
I can kill you in thirty-two ways using nothing but my bare hands.
- Natasha
I love Russia. Beautiful country. Lovely women.
- Tony
Nice try. If you don’t show Steve how to use that piece of shit, I will!
- Natasha
Mommy, please can’t I play outside just a while longer? All the other kids are allowed.
- Tony
Thirty-two ways, Stark. Thirty-two ways.
- Natasha
And they’ll never find your body.
- Natasha
*
- Steve
- Steve
- Steve
This is Clint Barton’s answering machine. You’ve been redirected here because he has recently died of being REALLY FUCKING ANNOYED.
- Clint
- Steve
- Steve
I am going to kill Tony, Steve. Let him know that from me. When he’s sleeping.
- Clint
Or when he’s awake. I’m really not fussy.
- Clint
Maybe I’ll even hire someone else to do it. Natasha would enjoy it.
- Clint
But then I wouldn’t get the satisfaction of saving the world from his annoying little face myself.
- Clint
Huh, you’ve stopped. Maybe I’ll let Tony live.
- Clint
- Steve
Get me my bow and arrow.
- Clint
*
Hey Bruce, Bruce, Bruce!
- Tony
I’m in the middle of something right now. Can it wait?
- Bruce
Can it wait? Can it wait?! Would I be texting you were it not urgent?
- Tony
Yes. You texted me last night with a running commentary on a repeat of Judge Judy.
- Bruce
Oh, but really. That was vital. How else would you know your rights in a small claims court? Now you know that should you ever have a nasty break-up, you’ll be entitled to your sofa.
- Tony
I don’t have a sofa.
- Bruce
Well then, all the more reason to get a girlfriend – or a boyfriend, I’m not judging; well, I am, but it’s because of the enormous green rage monster – who has a sofa, break up with her, and then claim your legal entitlement. No need to thank me.
- Tony
I wasn’t going to.
- Bruce
It’s precisely this sort of ungratefulness that, in my opinion, is contributing to the degradation of modern society.
- Tony
That and Beliebers.
- Tony
What are you talking about, Stark?
- Bruce
Hell if I know. I really, really like Martinis and auto-correct.
- Tony
Oh Jesus. It’s lunchtime and you’re already drunk?
- Bruce
Wanted a liquid lunch, but I was all out of soup.
- Tony
You’re an idiot.
- Bruce
My arc reactor’s bigger than yours.
- Tony
And yes, I am using my arc reactor as a metaphor for my penis.
- Tony
Very mature. I’m going to return to my experiment now. I hope it burns a hole through all your equipment.
- Bruce
BRUCE NO
- Tony
*
Urgent debriefing in my office, fifteen minutes.
- Agent
Oh, Agent Coulson, I am titillated. Should I take my briefs off as well or is it more of a show than a party?
- Tony
That’s disgusting. We can do this via text if you’d prefer.
- Agent
Saucy. All right, then. I’ll start. What are you wearing?
- Tony
This isn’t funny.
- Agent
Actually, it is. Look, see, I’m laughing and everything.
- Tony
The problem is Steve.
- Agent
Don’t beat about the bush, Agent. Let it all out.
- Tony
Since you gave him that phone, he’s been sending blank texts, random numbers and letters, emoticons – he’s out of control. Only you can stop him.
- Agent
But it’s fun.
- Tony
We have two trained assassins on our team. Do you want to take the chance?
- Agent
Jesus, you’re all such party-poopers. First the debrief, now this. No-one knows how to have fun any more.
- Tony
Stark.
- Agent
I’ll do it! God, no patience, you older gentlemen.
- Tony
*
Bruce
- Tony
Bruce
- Tony
Bruce
- Tony
Go away, Tony. I’m at a very important stage in this investigation. I can’t take my eyes off it for more than a few seconds.
- Bruce
Bruce
- Tony
Bruce
- Tony
I mean it, Tony. Not now. We’ll talk later.
- Bruce
Bruce
- Tony
Don’t make me get angry, Stark. Please.
- Bruce
Bruce
- Tony
KIFVJFDJF;JFD;SG
- Bruce
DFLHKSJHRJ
- Bruce
POY53POJ53’Y
- Bruce
PJHW[JOY
- Bruce
[KHTE#W[445
- Bruce
Goddamnit.
- Bruce
Hmm, so the Other Guy does know how to use Stark technologies.
- Tony
*
To : Tony Stark
From : Pepper Potts
Subject : Steve’s Phone
Tony,
For the love of all things deep-fried and coated in sugar, TELL STEVE HOW TO WORK THAT DAMN PHONE. If I receive one more text that just reads ‘jsgjgl’ (that’s an exact quote, by the way) I will lace your coffee with sleeping pills for a month.
To: Pepper Potts
From: Tony Stark
Subject: RE: Steve’s Phone
Then I won’t drink it, will I?
It’s under control. Jesus, you lot have no patience. You are all cynics, blighted by a life of disappointment and broken dreams.
To: Tony Stark
From: Pepper Potts
Subject: RE: RE: Steve’s Phone
Yes, and I know you, Tony. When you say ‘it’s under control’, you could mean anything from ‘it’s sorted’ to ‘it will never happen, stop hoping and find a new dream’.
To: Pepper Potts
From: Tony Stark
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Steve’s Phone
Then if you know me so well, you’ll know that I take team relations very seriously. I’m resisting the urge to cry here, Pep. Your lack of faith in me is, quite frankly, devastating. A bit like my good looks, really.
To: Tony Stark
From: Pepper Potts
Subject: My heart bleeds
Do it. Or I’ll give Jarvis a French accent.
To: Pepper Potts
From: Tony Stark
Subject: RE: My heart bleeds
You wouldn’t dare.
To: Pepper Potts
From: Tony Stark
Subject: You heartless wench
Jarvis just called me a ‘putain’. How did you do this and why would you do such a terrible thing? Sacre bleu, I’m on it!! Now give me back my faithful, humble Jarvis.
To: Pepper Potts
From: Tony Stark
Subject: Thank you
Hmph.
*
- Steve
Steve.
- Tony
- Steve
STEVE. Get your perfectly formed, defrosted butt in here. We have some technological interfaces to discuss.
- Tony
Oh, actually, Tony, that won’t be necessary.
- Steve
?????????????????
- Tony
You’re killing me here, Steve. I’m at a loss for words, and you know how rarely that happens.
- Tony
Far too rarely for my liking. Like I said, it won’t be necessary. I can use this phone just swell.
- Steve
You can use a highly modern phone but you can’t use a relatively archaic language. What are you, and why are you a thing that exists?
- Tony
AND WHY THE BLANK TEXTS?!
- Tony
Tony, if you’ll permit me to use English that you’ll understand, I believe I have ‘played’ you. ‘Trolled’ you, if you will.
- Steve
Made an ass of you, basically.
- Steve
Should have left you in the freezer.
- Tony
*
Bruce
- Tony
What
- Bruce
No punctuation? I’m hurt. Just letting you know that the Steve texts should stop.
- Tony
Good
- Bruce
Bruce? If this is about me sort of accidentally on purpose forcing a transformation on you, then I’m sorry.
- Tony
No you’re not
- Bruce
Bruce?
- Tony
Go away
- Bruce
Bruce, pleeeeeeeeease, with cherries on top, can we talk this through over a candlelit dinner of enzymes and chemical reactions?
- Tony
Go away
- Bruce
I’m sorry, OK?
- Tony
Bruce?
- Tony
*
IT HAS BEEN THREE DAYS AND YOU HAVE NOT YET SPOKEN TO MR STARK, FRIEND BRUCE. MAY I ASK WHY?
- Thor
You see the Caps Lock button? Press it. And not trying to be rude, but it’s none of anyone’s business. Sorry.
- Bruce
I SEE IT BUT I SHALL NOT PRESS IT. ALLOW ME TO MAKE A PUN; MR STARK HAS PRESSED YOUR BUTTONS ONE TOO MANY TIMES. AM I CORRECT?
- Thor
Jesus.
- Bruce
NO, I AM THOR, GOD OF THUNDER
- Thor
JESUS IS NOT OF ASGARD
- Thor
Christ.
- Bruce
HE IS NOT OF ASGARD, EITHER
- Thor
*
Capsicle, oh Capsicle, let down your hair!
- Tony
What on Earth are you talking about, Tony?
- Steve
I’m outside, obviously. Let me in, I’m freezing my ass off out here.
- Tony
It’s August.
- Steve
I can feel the icy tendrils of Bruce’s heart from here.
- Tony
I won’t let you in until you tell me why Bruce is refusing to talk to you. He also keeps referring to you as – and I’m quoting here, so don’t shoot the messenger – an a**hole with fake t*ts. Why? What did you do?
- Steve
Firstly, you actually censored ass and tits? You’re adorable. Really. I just want to wrap you in swaddling and claim you as my own. Hmm, that sounds quite kinky in hindsight. I like both options. Secondly, I didn’t do anything! He took offence at something, that’s all.
- Tony
I am ignoring the first part. What did you say that offended him?
- Steve
I didn’t do anything. I certainly didn’t force him to transform into our jolly green giant of a chum.
- Tony
Oh, Tony.
- Steve
Are you going to let me in now?
- Tony
No. Go talk to Bruce.
- Steve
He won’t let me in!!
- Tony
So override the access code, or whatever it is you do whenever I won’t let you in. Don’t even think about doing it now. I will hit you over the head with my shield.
- Steve
‘Override the access code’? Get you. Fine. If he goes all emerald assassin on me, you’re the first person I’m coming back to haunt.
- Tony
It’ll be interesting at least. Good luck, Tony.
- Steve
Hmph.
- Tony
*
Bruce
- Tony
Yes, Tony?
- Bruce
I’m sorry I broke your door down.
- Tony
It’s fine. Thor put a new one in for me this morning.
- Bruce
I’m loving the double-entendres that are present in that sentence. Are we cool?
- Tony
I’m not sure we were ever ‘cool’; you wear a red metal bodysuit and I turn green when I get annoyed. But yes, we’re cool. The flowers were a nice touch.
- Bruce
Weren’t they, though? I got them for Steve.
- Tony
As a joke.
- Tony
Not a romantic offering.
- Tony
I have sacrificial lambs for that purpose.
- Tony
Bruce?
- Tony
Sorry, something exploded. It’s fixed. I’m going to speak out of turn now.
- Bruce
Go ahead. You’ve earnt it.
- Tony
Right. Well, you should try giving the Captain one of those sacrificial lambs one day. He’d probably appreciate it more than you’d think. And just to be clear, we’re talking metaphorically here. Don’t go raiding any nearby farms. If I see it on the news, I WILL turn you in.
- Bruce
You are a fountain of nonsense and I am ignoring you from now on.
- Tony
And here I was, thinking we were friends again.
- Bruce
Thanks for the Cadmium, by the way. Was running low on that.
- Bruce
My pleasure. I’m off to see a man about a lamb.
- Tony
And by that, I mean my penis.
- Tony
*
Rapunzel? You in?
- Tony
Why am I Rapunzel? You have longer hair than I do. No, at Natasha’s. We’re watching the Wizard of Oz. No-one else will watch it with me.
- Steve
Our conversation the other night? Ring a bell?
- Tony
Oh. Yes. I see. You’re welcome to come here if you want. I asked Natasha. She only threw one vase.
- Steve
Hmm, I’ll give it a miss. What time will you be back?
- Tony
Couple of hours? I can use this phone now so I’ll text you when I’m at home. Sound fair?
- Steve
Very. I’m on your sofa. It’s incredibly comfy.
- Tony
You broke into my building?
- Steve
Overrode the access code. Hey, it was your idea, remember?
- Tony
Don’t touch anything. I’ll be there in five.
- Steve
Excellent.
- Tony
*
Fgsgiogiot
- Tony
89508ttoj
- Tony
Igipggoj
- Tony
Not now, Tony, please. Bunsen burners galore in here!
- Bruce
Ojh sorrye Breice I amsa at Steves’ I thikn I sait o my phoone OOH HELWLOSTEVE
- Tony
Please don’t text back. I’m ending this conversation.
- Bruce
STYEVE SAUYS HI!!!!
- Tony
I’#LL’ giove youas a cluoe; I’kpm not dru;lnk
- Tony
No
- Bruce
STEEEEEEEVE do’pn’t put yoru siohrt on!!!!
- Tony
NO
- Bruce
Eehehhehee
- Tony
WJEGJ;WEOUP5
- Bruce
‘WTOGHWEOTH
- Bruce
Hreiheee
- Tony
I dislike my life.
- Bruce
IK dopn’t!!!!
- Tony