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Don't leave me to fight alone

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Octavia woke to the screams of her brother. She heard them almost every night but she never got used to how broken he sounded or the feeling of her own heart breaking when she held him after his nightmare. She stumbled out of her tent and found her brother already out of his.

She had wanted to share his tent with him but Bellamy was adamant that she stayed with Lincoln instead. Even if she stayed with him after a nightmare anyway. But now he was already out of his tent, not quite awake yet, crying out and making his way to the camp gates.

“Clarke! Clarke where are you?” Octavia took hold of the man’s arms and tried to make him face her.

“Bellamy, she’s gone, remember? Clarke’s gone away but she’s alright and she won’t be gone forever.”

The soldier shook his head but seemed to be clearer than before.

“No I have to find her, they had her and…I.” He looked so confused and was still staring at the tree line beyond the gates, looking for any sign of his blond haired princess.

“It was only a dream Bell.” He finally looked at her as she rubbed his arms.

“She’s gone?” Octavia nodded and Bellamy’s face crumpled as he let out a whimper and dropped his head to his sister’s shoulder.

“I’m so tired O.”

The grounder rubbed his back as he cried and tried not to cry herself. The past few weeks had been so hard on everyone in the camp, Bellamy’s screams were not the only ones that could be heard at night.

In fact there was always a camp fire that blazed through the night, next to Monty’s stash of moonshine, for anyone that couldn’t sleep. She knew Bellamy could often be found there, during the day too he frequented Monty’s moonshine stash that somehow went unnoticed by the camps guards.

“I know Bell. I’m so sorry.”

She held him for a while before leading him back to his tent. It was only a few paces from hers and she could see Lincolns face poking out the door of their tent giving her a small nod. He knew where she went every night. He sometimes had to help if Bellamy’s nightmares were more violent than usual.

So many people in camp had PTSD and Abby was constantly handing out sleeping droughts but it wasn’t just sleep that Bellamy needed help with.

Octavia didn’t like to leave him alone for long and sometimes she would see him stare at nothing with the most horrified expression on his face. He would shake and mutter things that Octavia wouldn’t be able to understand. She would talk to him and take his face in her hands till he came back to reality still scared out of his mind.

He barely ate anymore either, having to be sat with during meals to make sure he ate it all.

“I don’t want it O. I can’t just sit here eating when….”

She knew how much he thought about all the lives lost in Mount Weather. She knew he remembered bodies slumped over tables and dead faces pressed into the plates of food they never got to finish. Rooms full of bodies, a mountain full of people that his hands had killed.

And she knew that no matter how many times she told him he had no choice or that he saved everyone else, he would forever hold the weight of all those lives on his shoulders. He saw their blood on his hands every day and Octavia could do nothing to help him wash it away.
Others had gotten worried as well, some of the delinquents trying to coax a meal into him or take the ever present cup of moonshine from the man but he was growing worse each day. Octavia did all she could for her brother but she knew what would help her brother more than anything. The return of his princess.

Because without her he would have to bear the guilt of their decision alone. Without her he couldn’t protect their people. Without her he was lost with no air in his lungs and no warmth in his bones. Octavia was keeping Bellamy alive but he felt like he was drowning under the weight of his actions and his guilt. He had no idea if Clarke was okay where she was and if she died than that would be his fault too. And that was a death he could not bear.

With the little sleep he was getting and the little he was eating it wasn’t a surprise when he caught the sickness spreading through camp. The virus was strong but wasn’t much to worry about according to Abby. Mostly it was unpleasant but would pass but for Bellamy, whose body was too weak to put up much of a fight, it turned to something worse.

Octavia had been with him when his coughing wouldn’t stop and she was there when he collapsed. She screamed for help as her brother struggled for air in her arms and he was quickly taken to medical.

Bellamy was in a bed now while Octavia sat close to him shaking with worry and holding Lincolns hand as the doctor examined her brother. Abby slipped her stethoscope under the soldier’s shirt and listened to his heart and lungs, brow furrowed in concentration. She even had Lincoln help roll Bellamy over so she could press the stethoscope to his back.

After the examination Abby looked sadly at Octavia. “From what I can tell his body was too weak to fight the virus off and…… it’s turned into Pneumonia. He’s having trouble breathing because his lungs are filling up with fluid. We can give him oxygen but he really needs antibiotics to fight the virus and the fever and that’s something that we just don’t have.”

Octavia could hardly speak but Lincoln seemed to be thinking as she was when he asked her question for her.

“So does that mean he’s..?”

Abby grimaced and looked at her hands. “I don’t know if he will be able to fight off the infection with his body as weak as it is. If he had been sleeping or eating properly than maybe but…..”

Octavia stared at her brother and felt her cheeks grow wet. If she lost him, her big brother, the person that protected her from the moment she was born, the person she trusted and loved most in this world, she would never recover.

Just thinking about having to bury her brother made her sniffing turn into sobs as she took Bellamy’s hand. “Please don’t go Bell. Please stay.”

Lincoln rested a hand on Octavia’s shoulder but turned back to the doctor when he remembered. They had plants that they used to heal people in his village and he had heard stories about Clarke healing Jasper with some. He didn’t know which plants they were but Octavia knew who did.

“Clarke found them and made a tea to help Jasper. I know how to make the tea but I don’t know where she went to get the plant only Well’s and Finn went with her and they’re both….dead.”

Abby nodded as she understood. “We need to find Clarke. She needs to come home.”