I had to stop thinking about him. It was my own damn fault that he used me like that.
I was vulnerable. That's why I let him do that. Vulnerable and confused and wanting to be loved, needed.
What the fuck was I thinking, turning to AJ for that? AJ was a sex freak and a drug addict at the time. I was surprised he even knew my ass from a hole in the ground to fuck it; he was so drunk and coked up at the time.
I take a sip of my water and thought about it. Why AJ? Why not some guy I picked up at club? Why not a male escort, why not any other man in the free world that I didn't have to see at work the next day?
I love AJ – that's why.
There. I said it. I LOVE AJ.
I slump into my chair. Buy still, why do I love him? He treated me like shit and pretends it never happened.
I want to tame him.
I want to see what makes him tick.
I look up as he enters the studio. I smile, nod, and greet him. "Hey Aje."
He's taken aback for a moment. I can tell. He pauses before telling me, "Hey Nicky."
I wanted to pounce him. Or hurl. I wasn't sure which. My face made the decision for me as I whined, "Don't call me Nicky!"
I looked away. I liked it, when AJ called me Nicky. I liked it, coming from him.
I could never ever ever in a million years tell him that though. I wasn't anything to him.
I was a vulnerable teen, and he took advantage of that. He took advantage of me.