Chapter Text
-Your Rules Don’t Apply to Me-
Prologue
Words Can Bring Me Down
I’ll stick up for myself…even when everyone else backs down. I wish you wouldn’t cry you’re ugly when you cry, most boys are…but then again, girls are ugly when their faces crumble and turn red, their mascara runs, they look like Alice Cooper, and snot makes their face sticky. It’s ugly, and not in a negative way, I mean it as in...the way it feels to see someone crying. It doesn’t feel so good, even if it’s not because of you.
You know what else is ugly? Lying, bragging, impatience, harsh words, and stupidity…you know there is no cure for stupidity. Out of those words you’re a liar, you’re impatient, and you’re stupid. The only thing beautiful about you was your sense of humor and but even that wasn’t striking and breath-taking.
I think you’re an over-achiever…and that does not make you smart, it makes you look ridiculous when you try too hard. Let me let you in on a little secret. It doesn’t impress anyone, especially not me…because I know how hard you try to impress me.
Roses die, the red ones I throw away fastest, but I keep black roses on the table in my room. Your words are trash, but you know what? If you stopped and thought about what you were doing, how hard you were trying, how all you were doing was failing, I think you’d stop and understand all you had to do to impress me was to not be ashamed of me, to show me off, and to hold my hand, and kiss me in the halls.
So instead, I stood up for myself when you backed down, and I let words hurt me when you let them bounce off of you. Despite all of that you still wouldn’t hold my hand, unless we were alone. I wasn’t ashamed…I was embarrassed…when I stopped trying to be your boyfriend, I walked away, and you didn’t come after me, you let me go, let me cry…and I was ugly.
It should be no question as to why I broke up with you. Were we even together in the first place? I think secretly you used me to get closer to another boy, and that kills me on the inside. I must be wrong somehow. Wrong, ugly, stupid, liar, impatient, all those words describe you…take them into consideration.
You know when they say “Words can’t bring me down” it’s a lie. “Think before you speak” is a good idea to go by, because without you…I realized how many big bad bullies there are that hate me. Hate me for being gay, for being weaker, and vulnerable, for taking everything to heart.
I don’t like when people see me ugly…so I keep it all in, I bottle up my emotions until I get home. In the shower I crack, I cry, and nobody is around to ask why. I pick myself up, dry myself off, and I ignore my Alice Cooper eyes, and my trembling lip. I am me and you are you and together we weren’t strong enough to keep it going.
You’re real ugly when you cry, when you yell, when you beg, when you cheat. “The first cut is the deepest” and you tore me apart, left me feeling lonely and useless, and completely broken open for everyone to see and touch.
I hate you, how you make me feel, how you made me ugly, so I’m going to prove a point. To you and all the other bullies out there, teasing a kid for their looks, weight, sexuality, and anything else. I’m going to show you how you made me feel, I’m going to show you how ugly you are, how black your insides are, I’m going to make you hurt. And I’m going to do it in ten days.
Thank you for opening my eyes to the stupid, ugly world around me. I’m going to show you words can bring people down…I’m going to show you that you hurt me and it can make me hurt myself.
And I hope it rots your guts from the inside out.
-Love always- Tommy Joe