Kasumi Goto knew everything that went on aboard the Normandy SR-2. Between tapping into the audio and video feeds (laughably easy for such a high-security vessel; she suspected EDI wasn't trying as hard as she should to keep her out), her tactical cloak, and an unerring instinct for trouble, nothing got past her.
She was used to operating on her own schedule. Since joining forces with Shepard, though, she did what she was told when she was told, and that left her with a lot of downtime. Being stuck on a ship with no problems to solve or capers to plan could get pretty damn boring. She had to make her own fun. Sometimes, she had a specific goal in mind when she went digging for information; other times, she fired up her cloak and wandered, lurking in corners to see what everyone was up to.
Tonight she found herself in the starboard cargo bay, listening to Shepard tell a long anecdote involving a bar brawl and some crankier-than-usual batarians. Zaeed was listening intently, leaning slightly forward, wearing an expression that almost looked like a smile. His eyes never left Shepard's face, not even when she almost decked him with a too-exuberant gesture.
Well. Wasn't that interesting.
Maybe a little romance was exactly the diversion she needed. Sure, a gunslinging marine and the crustiest merc in the Terminus weren't exactly the stuff of novels, but they'd do. Nobody's perfect.
She waited, barely managing not to fidget with excitement, until Shepard left. The second the door closed, she uncloaked with a faint buzz of static. "You like her, don't you?" she said, not bothering to disguise her glee.
Zaeed jumped, snarling something unintelligible and undoubtedly profane. Kasumi ignored him.
"What did it? The punching? The explosions? Oh, I bet it was the cursing. She has a filthy mouth."
"Relax. I wasn't going to interfere." She debated whether possible bodily injury would be worth satisfying her curiosity. If nothing else, she decided, she could definitely outrun him. "So what are you going to do about it?"
"You're fucking nosy for a thief." She waited, one eyebrow raised. He glared at her, carefully avoiding meeting her eyes. Then, with a snort of disgust, he gave in. "Do you think...should I..."
"You could just tell her."
"Yeah, if I wanted to get my balls shot off."
They sat for a bit in silence, her contemplative, him morose. Then Kasumi grinned in a way that would've sent anyone who knew her well running in the opposite direction. "Don't worry. I have an idea."
Zaeed's head snapped up. "What?"
He didn't get an answer. She was already gone.
"Shepard. The women's restroom is on the port side of the ship."
From her vantage point, Kasumi could clearly see Shepard's look of confusion.
"Pretty sure it's on the starboard side," Shepard said, looking in the general direction of up, as everyone did when addressing EDI, even though technically, as part of the ship, she wasn't in any fixed spot.
"The women's restroom is on the port side of the ship."
"Okay." Still looking dubious, Shepard reversed direction and headed into the other bathroom.
Kasumi switched her attention to her omni-tool, having already hacked into the camera she wasn't supposed to know about. The video kicked in just in time to see Shepard stride into the bathroom, then pull up short when she noticed Zaeed. He noticed her at the same time and began frantically trying to zip up. Shepard, wide-eyed, said something - apologizing, probably - and turned back towards the door, pushing, pulling, and finally smashing it with her fist. She shouted at the ceiling. Kasumi couldn't read lips, but she could hazard a guess what was being said.
"How did it go?" Kasumi asked, once the bathroom's occupants had settled in to wait.
"I informed the Commander that there is a malfunction in the restroom door. It may take some time to repair." EDI couldn't sound smug - her voice was always placid and soothing - but Kasumi was feeling quite enough self-satisfaction for both of them.
There was a lot to be said for having an unshackled AI around. They made perfect partners in crime.
The locks were set to disengage in half an hour. If he couldn't make his move within that window, well, some people were just beyond help.