(SCOOTER walks up the stairs to the dressing room and knocks on the door.)
SCOOTER: Sir? We're going on in two minutes.
(From inside there is a muffled response.)
(SCOOTER hurries back to the desk where KERMIT is waiting.)
KERMIT: Scooter, is the guest ready?
SCOOTER: Sure is, boss. (They both look up at the door.)
KERMIT: Scooter, are you sure about the instructions? We're running a variety show. Our guests sing and dance and tell jokes.
(The door to the guest dressing room opens. LOKI is inside, his mouth gagged.)
LOKI: Murph! Murph! Ugh! (Translation: Bow before me, you worthless felt creatures.)
SCOOTER: The instructions were clear, boss. We're using the same gear we do for Animal, and we aren't supposed to let him out of our sight.
(KERMIT looks at the paperwork crowding his desk. He holds up a paper with red ink that says "IMPORTANT! READ CAREFULLY!")
KERMIT: But why are we starring a guest who isn't allowed to talk?
SCOOTER: Because Natalie Portman cancelled on us, and Neil Patrick Harris had to reschedule for next week's show instead. We couldn't get anyone else at such short notice. (He checks his wristwatch.) On in ten seconds!
KERMIT: Places, everybody!
LOKI: Murph! Murph! (Trans.: Let me out of my bonds and I will spare your lives.)
(Opening sequence begins.)
KERMIT: It's the Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Loki Laufeyson!
(Opening sequence rolls. Tesseract box pops out of GONZO's horn.)
KERMIT: Thank you, thank you. We've got a great show for you today. The Swedish Chef is going to show us how to make shawarma. (Applause.) The Pigs in Space are going on a dramatic adventure to Asgard. (More applause.) And of course, we have a visit from a very special star of battlegrounds and mythology, the Norse trickster god Loki! (Yet more applause, especially from the group of young women sitting at the front wearing Hiddleston t-shirts.)
STATLER: Invited a trickster god to the theater, eh?
WALDORF: I can't see anything possibly going wrong. (They chuckle.)
(Curtain rises as first skit begins. Characters are waltzing to music.)
GENERIC WOMAN MUPPET: Did you hear Iron Man eloped?
GENERIC MAN MUPPET: No! With who?
WOMAN: Alanis Morissette.
MAN: Well, isn't that ironic?
(ROWLF and MISS PIGGY dance in the front.)
ROWLF: I can't wait to meet our guest star. The memo said he's a real Norse dog!
MISS PIGGY: I think that was supposed to be 'Norse god,' Rowlf.
ROWLF: Uh oh. I ought to tell the other dogs not to sniff his bottom.
(Off-stage there is a muffled howl of rage and then a cut-off bark.)
MISS PIGGY: Too late.
(GONZO and CAMILLA dance over close to them. GONZO's nose is upside-down.)
ROWLF: Gonzo, what happened?
GONZO: Whatever you do, don't tell green card jokes around The Hulk.
STATLER: The good news about his broken nose is that he can't tell how bad that joke stinks.
(STATLER and WALDORF chuckle.)
(Curtain closes. KERMIT comes on stage.)
KERMIT: And now, a real treat! The Swedish Chef is going to show us how to make shawarma!
(Curtain raises. SWEDISH CHEF is in his kitchen with a LAMB. KERMIT goes off-stage.)
(SCOOTER hurries over to KERMIT.)
SCOOTER: Boss, we have a little problem.
KERMIT: Did Neil Patrick Harris cancel for next week?
SCOOTER: I hope not. We already ordered three tons of mud for him to wrestle with John Barrowman in.
SCOOTER: I gave you the memo last week. It's on your desk. (Both look at the pile of paperwork on the desk.)
KERMIT: The bad news is the three tons of mud?
SCOOTER: No. Loki got his gag off. Animal showed him how.
(From Loki's dressing room, there's a loud crash.)
ANIMAL (from inside room): Escape! Escape! Ha ha ha!
(LOKI bursts from room.)
LOKI: My hour is at hand. I will build my army here, and go forth to rule as is my right.
(FOZZIE walks by. LOKI stops him with a hand.)
LOKI: You! Useless bear. They do not appreciate you. Follow me, and I will make you the greatest humorist who has ever lived.
FOZZIE (in a monotone): I will follow you.
(They walk out together.)
SCOOTER: Uh oh.
KERMIT: (sighs) We just deprogrammed him from the last cult. Walter!
(WALTER runs in, out of breath.)
WALTER: Yes, Kermit?
KERMIT: You're good with getting Muppets back in their groove. Can you bring back Fozzie?
WALTER: Can do! (He goes out.)
(Ten seconds later, LOKI, FOZZIE, and WALTER walk by. WALTER is dazed.)
(KERMIT gulps. He picks up the phone.)
KERMIT: Mr. Fury, sir? We need help.
(On stage, the SWEDISH CHEF is still chasing the LAMB. Curtain closes. KERMIT comes on stage.)
KERMIT: Thank you, chef, for that culinary delight and for reminding us of the virtues of vegetarianism.
(Behind curtain, there is a loud "Baaaaaa!")
KERMIT: Now it's time for everyone's favorite space opera, Pigs in Space! Yay!
(Curtain opens, opening title for "Pigs in Space" runs.)
MISS PIGGY: Captain, there's something strange on the sensors. It's a giant rainbow bridge!
LINK: Pull over! Pull over! My pet hamster went over the bridge when I was five! Maybe I can see him!
(DR. STRANGEPORK and MISS PIGGY exchange glances.)
DR. STRANGEPORK: I believe this is the Bifrost, mythical bridge connecting our world to Asgard.
(Thunder rolls, and THOR comes on stage.)
MISS PIGGY: Well, hello, tall, blond, and omnipotent! (She giggles, leaning her head against him and batting her eyes.)
THOR: I have come to claim my errant brother. Where has he gone?
MISS PIGGY: I'll pretend to be your brother. I've been a bad boy, and you need to correct me and my terrible ways.
(THOR looks at PIGGY. Then he looks at LINK and STRANGEPORK, who shrug.)
LINK: Have you seen my hamster? His name is Mister Tiddles.
DR. STRANGEPORK: You are an alien, yes?
THOR: I am not of your world, no.
DR. STRANGEPORK: Excellent! I would like to experiment on your brain.
(Backstage, the other AVENGERS have arrived, with NICK FURY, AGENT COULSON, and AGENT HILL.)
NICK FURY: You mean to tell me, you lost the Norse god who almost destroyed the world?
KERMIT: We didn't lose him, he's still in the theatre.
HILL: Who authorized Loki's release to the Muppets? He was supposed to be in custody.
IRON MAN: (Coughs.) That would be me. I owed Animal a favor.
COULSON: Sir, the memo was on your desk.
(AVENGERS go off to search for LOKI. COULSON and SCOOTER stay at the desk.)
SCOOTER: Nobody ever reads the memos. (He looks at Coulson.) Hey, aren't you dead?
(On stage the skit has changed to BUNSEN and BEAKER. BRUCE BANNER is with them in the lab.)
BUNSEN: Dr. Banner, can you please show us exactly how you created the new growth formula you invented with Stark Industries?
BRUCE: I can't. Mr. Stark had me sign a confidentiality waiver.
BUNSEN: All righty. Beaker, can you bring me the jar of super growth formula we acquired from Stark Industries' lab?
BRUCE: Hey! You stole that!
BUNSEN: You say industrial espionage, we say, science shouldn't be bound by laws.
BUNSEN: You're right, Beaker, we should probably stop breaking the laws of nature.
(BEAKER tries to pour super growth formula on a small plant. He trips and spills it on a small MONSTER instead. There is a puff of smoke, and the MONSTER is now SWEETUMS.)
SWEETUMS: Rar! I just bought a new summer wardrobe and now none of it will fit!
(He stomps off in an angry rage.)
BUNSEN: Uh oh. How are we going to find someone to stop a suddenly-grown rage monster?
BRUCE: I think I can handle that. (He goes off stage, and there is a roar.)
(Backstage, SAM the EAGLE has buttonholed KERMIT into a corner.)
SAM: Kermit, I must protest! As a true American, I insist The Muppet Show not acknowledge the existence of these so-called other "gods".
KERMIT: Sam, some people have been worshipping Loki and Thor for over a thousand years. We're trying to be inclusive.
SAM: This is an outrage. (He folds his wings peremptorily.) There is nothing you can do to convince me this production is not anti-American.
(CAPTAIN AMERICA walks in. SAM's beak drops open in shock.)
SAM: I. I. (He runs over and hugs CAP. He runs back and hugs KERMIT.) Thank you! (SAM grabs CAP's hand and drags him away.) You have to come sign my trading cards of you! I sleep with them every night!
(LOKI comes in, with a large group of hypnotized minions, including FOZZIE, WALTER, GONZO, CAMILLA, RIZZO, PEPE, ANIMAL, and more.)
LOKI: (points at KERMIT) Follow me, frog.
KERMIT: (gulping) No, I don't think I will. (He turns to the minions.) Guys, you can break free of the mind-control. Just try!
GONZO: I'm not mind-controlled. I like the dental plan he's offering.
(DR. TEETH and FLOYD come in.)
DR. TEETH: Oh man, I'll sign up! What do we have to do?
LOKI: Follow me wherever I lead, and do as I say.
FLOYD: We still have the bus from when we followed the Grateful Dead that one year. We're in.
LOKI: (to KERMIT) Join us, and have free dentistry, puny amphibian!
KERMIT: But I don't have any teeth! (He hurries back on stage.)
(In another room, AGENT HILL and JANICE talk.)
AGENT HILL: It's always "Black Widow this," and "Awesome ladies who are Natasha and Pepper that." Nobody even remembers the secondary female roles.
JANICE: Like, I know. The audience talks about the female Muppets, I get remembered after a pig and a chicken, if I get mentioned at all.
(They nod in commiseration.)
(KERMIT goes on stage.)
KERMIT: Ladies and gentlemen, the next skit was supposed to be a dramatic retelling of "Romeo and Juliet" starring our own Sweetums. Unfortunately, we're having some technical difficulties. It turns out most of the Muppets have been hypnotized into following Loki's commands. You may want to evacuate the theatre and run for your lives. Ah!! (He runs, chased by LOKI and other Muppets, who are chased by AVENGERS.)
(Big dramatic battle scene happens behind the curtain, with the sounds of shouts and small explosions. BLACK WIDOW comes out from behind the curtain, snarls, and goes back behind it, clearly punching someone. It would be a fantastic scene, but the Muppet Show doesn't have the budget Joss Whedon does. Trust us, though. It's cool.)
STATLER: Cheaping out on the final battle scene won't play well in the 3-D theatres.
(LEW ZEALAND appears behind them.)
LEW: Did somebody say 3-D? (He throws his boomerang fish, which fly right back and pelt STATLER and WALDORF while he laughs and throws more.)
(Curtain rises. Many Muppets are clutching their heads but they are coming around. Some have bandages. THOR and IRON MAN hold LOKI captured. BLACK WIDOW and MISS PIGGY stand back to back in karate poses. SAM is lovingly tending a tiny bruise on CAPTAIN AMERICA's knee. FURY stands next to KERMIT.)
FURY: You did a good job, frog. I thought you ran a shoddy operation here, but when the chips were down, you did what you had to for the memory of your nephew Robin.
ROBIN: (waves his little froggy arm in a sling) Mr. Fury, I'm right here behind you.
HAWKEYE: Sh. We're having a moment here.
KERMIT: Thank you, Mr. Fury. But tonight's show isn't finished. Do you think you and your friends could join us in the finale?
FURY: I guess. But we haven't practiced. Does anyone know a good song?
(HULK raises his arm.)
HULK: It not easy.
(Entire company sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." LOKI is gagged with ANIMAL's other choke collar, and sings "Murph! Murph!")
KERMIT: Yay! We'd like to thank our guest star, Loki, and our special surprise guests, the Avengers!
(Everyone walks out in front of curtain. Everyone is walking over everyone else. MISS PIGGY is resting her head against THOR while SAM is resting his against CAPTAIN AMERICA. THOR and CAP shrug, and each hugs their Muppet. BLACK WIDOW shakes JANICE's hand.)
BLACK WIDOW: Excellent work. You were an awesome lady.
JANICE: You really think so?
(AGENT HILL coughs.)
BLACK WIDOW: You were, too, Maria. Want to give the femslashers something to be happy about, and go make out?
HILL: Sure! (They kiss.)
KERMIT: Thanks, everybody! And tune in next week for our very special guess, Neil Patrick Harris! Yay!
(End sequence rolls.)
(After end credits, the curtain rises. SWEETUMS sits on the stage with HULK, eating shawarma and reciting Shakespeare.)
SWEETUMS: What light yonder window? Julie!
HULK: Where Romeo?
SWEETUMS: Rise sun, kill moon.
HULK: Neat. (He chews his food.)
(It's the real end. You can go home and download the torrent to rewatch the episode now.)