Chapter 1: Eight Tips To Drive Your Kismesis Up The Wall
Troll Cosmo's latest article on eight fun and sexy ways to spice up your kismessitude!
All our tips are a guarantee of thrills and fun! Troll Cosmo takes no responsibility in the injuries that can be incurred in the pursuit of these tips.
1. Don’t let the routine settle in
Many kismessitudes reach a plateau after one sweep and a half where the only contact between kismeses is spit-pail-harass-maim. This isn’t a satisfying state for any relationship, and kismessitude isn’t any different. Kismeses who have been in hate for dozens of sweeps have a secret: they always find new things to hate about one another. Multiply the occasions for you to see one another, preferably in a variety of activities and among different people, and be curious about them. You hate them, but are you sure you hate them enough? The point of this exercise is to discover reasons to hate them more.
Pro: spending time with your kismesis and having fun at the same time!
Con: requires a measure of organization and coherency. You’re probably gonna have to get them to agree to your plan, otherwise you’ll only be falling back into the same pattern of arrive-attack-pail when you show up unannounced.
2. Stalk them
An oldie but goldie. Follow them, take photos of them without their knowing - maybe even call their boss if you’re feeling adventurous! Send them the results of your stalking, either anonymously or as yourself. If this is too tame for you, why not pretend to be someone else, enthralled by your kismesis’ obvious qualities? You get to torture them emotionally and laugh at them when you reveal what’s up - and riding that special anger revenge edge makes for amazing pailing. Rawr.
Bonus: if your kismesis is a sensorial psychic, they’ll know what you’re up and will hate you for thinking you can pull one up on them! Smart!
Pro: knowing more about your kismesis, unnerving them, and getting scalding-hott sex at the end.
Con: somewhat time-consuming.
3. Reenact your first hatedates
Or anything that might remind them of it, really. It doesn’t need to be huge! Don’t fret about how you’ll kill their lusus again if that’s how you finally got them to admit they hated you. (maybe you still have a picture of their lusus; any reminder will do.) Write them a parody of the hatemail they sent you first. Don the same sexy clothes you had on the first time you black kissed, and take them on a reminiscing tour! If you manage to hurt them anew, that’s good. If you don’t, they’ll still be overwhelmed with all the memories of how long and how much they’ve hated you!
Pro: very romantic.
Con: not always very practical.
4. Ignore them
Another foolproof classic. What could be more irritating than your loathed one behaving as though you were beneath their attention? This is the perfect ploy if you’re worrying that your kismesis’ attentions may be faltering. Pretend they don’t exist for a while, and they’ll take it as a direct challenge to their abilities - they’ll have to reconquer you! Play your cards right, and you’ll be buried under their demonstrations of decadent hatred in no time! Just take care not to actually be buried...
Pro: unless your kismesis is as busy as the Condesce (glory be), they won’t be able to miss that one.
Con: if your kismesis was looking for an excuse to dump you, you’ve just given them one. Also, it should go without saying, but you should prepare yourself for the escalation.
5. Ask for their input
Demand that they pitch in. There’s no reason why you should be the one doing all the work in this relationship! This is just as much their job as it’s yours. You can play this different ways, depending on what you know your kismesis hates most. Be annoying about it. Nag them. Misinterpret them on purpose. Miss your appointments. Do something else while they talk, and ask them to repeat what they’ve said when they get angry. Make a big show of being less invested in the brainstorming and the relationship than they are, and you’ll soon see results.
Pro: easy to act out!
Con: unless your kismesis is a huge attention whore, not an effective long-term plan.
6. Go after their quadrantmates
Not their matesprit, that’s overdone and always sends the wrong message. What about their conciliatory quadrantmates? Forcing one’s kismesis out of their comfort zone can be a great way to spice up your relationship. Taking their moirail hostage is the most obvious, as long as you’re careful not to actively antagonize them - you don’t want your kismesis’ moirail to take a dim view to your relationship. But going after their ashen quadrant can be even more gratifying, for the surprise factor, and also because your kismesis is less likely to eviscerate you once they’ve caught up!
Pro: a bold move that can’t be ignored.
Con: a bold move that can result in one or more deaths if you’ve miscalculated, or in quadrant distabilization that can affect your relationship.
7. Go after their matesprit
I know, I know, I just said you shouldn’t do that. What I meant is, you shouldn’t do that and expect the results to be the same as if you preyed on their conciliatory quadrants. There’s a certain subtext that comes with going after one’s kismesis’ other concupiscent quadrantmate, and that’s “I want your flushed quadrant for myself.” Potentially your most powerful tool to destabilize your kismesis, but not one that should be used lightly.
Pro: massively screwing with your kismesis’ life.
Con: you’d better be sure your kismesis values you over their matesprit, especially if you do anything permanent to them. Additionally, you should also hope they weren’t waxing secretly flushed for you! Awkward all around.
8. Invade their quadrants
Pity-flirt with their moirail. Ask their auspistice for advice. Go to their matesprit for help with dealing with another troll. It doesn’t require you to be serious, and it doesn’t require you either to fool your interlocutor into thinking you are - in fact, it’s safer if everyone involved knows you’re just flirting for flirting’s sake. The key here is honesty. The goal is to make your kismesis feel like suddenly, you’re everywhere in their lives. You’re invading their other quadrants, and going along just fine with them! (or cheerfully disliking one another.) And there can be no doubt that you’re doing this just to annoy them, which is both flattering and - you guessed it - infuriating.
Pro: getting to spend more with the other important people in your kismesis’ life.
Con: be careful not to neglect your other quadrants...
Did it do it for you?
Send us your testimonies! The best tales will be published in a latter number. The most graphic shots might be censored at the discretion of Troll Cosmo’s direction, depending on the level of gore.
Chapter 2: 10 GOOD REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD LEAVE YOUR KISMESIS’ QUADRANTS THE FUCK ALONE: A REBUTTAL
DID YOU READ THAT ARTICLE? IT'S A CRIME AGAINST QUADRANTS ON SO MANY LEVELS, I'M SURPRISED THE DESPAIREPORTER'S PEN DIDN'T TURN IN THEIR HAND TO CULL THEM ON THE SPOT.
1. THE QUASI-UTOPIA THAT IS OUR SOCIAL SYSTEM MAKES IT THAT WE’RE ALL SOMEONE’S KISMESIS. REPRODUCTIVE QUADRANTS ARE THE PILLARS OF THE GLORIOUS ALTERNIAN EMPIRE. DO THE WORDS IMPERIAL DRONES RING A BELL TO ANY OF YOU MORONS? YOU GO AFTER THEIRS, THEY’LL GO AFTER YOURS.
2. QUADRANTS ARE YOUR KISMESIS’ NUMBER ONE SOURCE OF STABILITY, THAT DIDN’T STOP BEING A THING THAT WAS TRUE JUST BECAUSE YOU SOPORHEADS ARE TOO SMASHED TO REMEMBER WHAT QUADRANTS ARE FOR. GUESS WHO’S IN THE DIRECT LINE OF FIRE WHEN THAT STABILITY GOES BOOM.
3. I AM GOING TO BE AN ENORMOUSLY CHARITABLE ICON OF FUCKING PATIENCE AND ASSUME THAT YOU’RE TOO HILARIOUSLY SELF-ABSORBED TO REALIZE PULLING THIS KIND OF HOOFBEASTSHIT IMPLIES THAT YOU WANT YOUR KISMESIS ALL TO YOURSELF. CONGRATS ON EARNING THE CREEP-OF-THE-SWEEP TROPHY. IF THAT’S ACTUALLY WHAT YOU WANT, DO THE REST OF US A FAVOUR AND GO TALK TO YOUR MOIRAIL. YOUR MOIRAIL, I’LL REPEAT FOR THE QUADRANT-IMPAIRED IN THE AUDIENCE, WHICH IS ALL OF YOU READING TROLL COSMO AND NOT WAILING IN HORROR FOR YOUR SOUL, IS THE ONE WHO IS OKAY WITH PUTTING THEIR CLAWS IN THE NAUSEATING KNOTS OF YOUR WRITHING ISSUES AND ARRANGING YOU INTO SOMETHING FIT FOR SOCIAL LIFE, SO THAT OTHER TROLLS WON’T GO INTO FUCKING SHOCK UPON WITNESSING THE ABERRATION THAT IS YOUR EXISTENCE. DON’T TAKE YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM OUT ON YOUR FUCKING KISMESIS.
4. ALSO IT IMPLIES THAT YOU ONLY VALUE YOUR KISMESIS BECAUSE OF THEIR CONNECTIONS. THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS WRONG WITH THAT, IF I LISTED THEM ALL WE’LL STILL BE THERE WHEN THE IMPERIAL DRONE COMES KNOCKING, WHICH IN YOUR CASE MIGHT BE DOING THE TROLL RACE A FAVOR, AS ANYONE WHO EVEN ENTERTAINS SUCH A FUCKING WRONG NOTION CLEARLY DOESN’T DESERVE BEING EVISCERATED BY AN OVER-ENTHUSIASTIC KISMESIS IN AN INTENSE SHOWNDOWN UNDER THE GLOW OF THE TWIN MOONS. I’LL STILL TRY, AS IT’S CLEAR NO-ONE EVER BOTHERED KNOCKING YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH THE HAMMER OF OUR SOCIAL STRUCTURE: KISMESSITUDE IS BASED ON RESPECT. RESPECT FOR THEIR ABILITIES, THEIR ACHIEVEMENTS, HOW TWISTED THEIR SCHEMES ARE OR HOW CHARISMATIC THEY ARE. MAYBE, IT’S POSSIBLE THAT IF YOU ARE AN ESPECIALLY HATEABLE MOTHERFUCKER, YOUR KISMESIS MIGHT TAKE IT FOR A CHALLENGE, AND PROVE TO YOU THAT THEY’RE WORTH EVERY DROP OF BLOOD YOU SPILLED TO IMPRESS THEM. YOU’RE NOT TROLL DARCY, SO SCRUB THAT FANTASY RIGHT OFF YOUR THINKPAN.
5. KIDNAPPING SOMEONE WITHOUT CLEARING IT WITH THEM BEFORE IS THE FASTEST ROAD TO TROLL HEAVEN. I REALIZE THAT ANYONE LOOKING TO TROLL COSMO FOR ROMANTIC ADVICE PROBABLY HASN’T HAD THEIR PALE QUADRANT FILLED EVER, BUT: MOIRAILS ARE NOT GODDAMN DESIGNATED VICTIMS. PALE PITY DOESN’T SUDDENLY MAKE YOU WEAK, IT DOESN’T MAGICALLY TURN YOUR BLOOD INTO COLORLESS THIN LIQUID, AND IF YOU BELIEVE FOR A BLINK THAT THEY’LL DECIDE AGAINST KILLING YOU DEAD JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE THEIR MOIRAIL’S STUPID KISMESIS, PLEASE REPORT YOURSELF TO THE NEAREST IMPERIAL OUTPOST, AND SAVE YOURSELF THE TROUBLE OF WORRYING ABOUT THE FUTURE.
6. BY GOING AFTER THE LOWEST POSSIBLE COMMON DENOMINATOR BETWEEN ANY TWO TROLLS, YOU ARE DISPLAYING A LACK OF IMAGINATION SO PROFOUND AS TO VERGE ON THE ABYSMAL. I HAVE NOTHING BUT THE MOST PLATONIC CONTEMPT FOR HOW PATHETIC A SPECIMEN OF OUR RACE YOU ARE.
7. YOU STIR SHIT CROSS-QUADRANT, YOU SEND A GRUBGILDED INVITATION TO EVERYONE EVEN SLIGHTLY RELATED TO EITHER OF YOU TO FALL ON YOUR ROMANTICALLY-CHALLENGED BONE BULGE LIKE A THRESHECUTIONER SQUADRON UPON A REBEL HIVE, AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, WE’VE GOT A FUCKING VENDETTA ON OUR HANDS. THOSE ARE SOLVED BY LEGISLACERATOR-ORDAINED MASS CULLINGS. GOOD JOB ON GETTING EVERYONE YOU EVER KNEW CULLED, NOOKSTAIN, AND THANKS FOR PLAYING.
8. IT MAKES PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT QUADRANTS AS MORE THAN GODDAMN STATUS SYMBOLS FOR SOCIOPATHIC ASSWIPES OR QUICK WAYS TO GET THEIR BULGES POLISHED LEGITIMATELY UPSET.
9. JUST. WHY.
10. TL-DR VERSION FOR ALL OF YOU MISERABLE BULGEMUNCHERS WHOSE QUADRANT-SMEARING BUBONIC HIDES I WOULDN’T EVEN USE TO DRY OFF SOPOR SLIME: IF YOU GO AFTER YOUR KISMESIS’ QUADRANTS, YOU’RE A DOUCHEBAG.