A key, for the lost and/or curious:
Clint Barton: purple (Strassman)
Phil Coulson: green (Luna Bar)
Thor: blue (Floydian)
Tony Stark: red (Wolf's Rain)
Nick Fury: black (Deranged)
(All fonts are available from Dafont.com)
[Story is presented as a document with annotations; document is in cleartext in the transcript and annotations are in parentheses, marked by character name.]
The Stark Guide™ to Mission Reports
(with annotations by Clint Barton) (and further annotations by Phil Coulson) (and questions from Thor Odinson, for whom this was all written in the first place).
All agents are encouraged to remember that nobody but Coulson actually wants to read mission reports. Given the fact that other people will inevitably be forced to read them, content is critical.
(Coulson: I don't know where you got the impression that I want to read your mission reports, Stark.)
1. Mission reports should contain a report of the mission.
(Clint: Wait for it...)
--a. If you feel like it.
(Clint: There it is. That's the Tony we know and
2. Accuracy should, as always, take a backseat to style; however, every agent's objective should be to produce a mission report that is both entertaining and as accurate as necessary.
(Clint: That's why I always write mine in pig Latin, ot-gay it-yay or-Thay?)
(Thor: I know that pigs do not speak Latin, Barton. You will not insult my intelligence thusly.)
(Clint: I would make a joke at Tony's expense here, but I'm feeling charitable.)
--a. Specialists should remember that measurements can be given in culturally appropriate units.
(Clint: Tony, no one is using your dick as a measurement.)
(Tony: Speak for yourself.)
(Clint: I'm not. I've read Steve's mission reports too.)
3. Embellishment is always encouraged. It's hardly a mission report if someone doesn't ride on a dinosaur.
(Thor: A dinosaur?)
(Coulson: Bilchsteim. They're extinct here.)
(Tony: I don't even want to know.)
(Clint: We also encourage the liberal use of gifs. They really liven up a dull report.)
Like good content, proper formatting can prevent the onset of coma-like conditions in your readers. Use these guidelines to avoid this problem.
(Clint: Why aren't you making a pill for this, Stark?)
(Tony: I think they're called "yellowjackets.")
1. All mission reports must be submitted in the form of saga.
(Coulson: It was only funny the first time, Stark.)
(Thor: Creating one was extremely diverting! Even though I did not finish in good time.)
(Clint: You still beat Tony.)
(Coulson: Not hard.)
(Tony: I'm offended. No, really, I am. Terribly.)
2. Interpolations of verse are encouraged, nay, required.
(Coulson: Oh, no.)
--a. Acceptable verse forms for Asgardian specialists: fornyrðislag, ljóðaháttr, other alliterative verse
(Coulson: How is Starkipedia coming along, anyway?)
--b. Acceptable verse forms for other specialists: haiku, limerick, dirty limerick
(Clint: Come on, Stark, you couldn't have given us an example? There once was a jackass named Stark/ who once buggered Steve on a lark / he thought it was fun / but he had to run / when Bucky made threatening remarks.)
(Coulson: That was pretty good.)
(Tony: You have to say that, Coulson, you're screwing him.)
(Clint: I can make him say a lot of things you don't want to know about, Stark.)
(Tony: Please don't tell me, Clint. My precious brain is fragile. You could kill us all.)
3. Remember that Consultant Stark is always the hero.
(Clint: There once was a fellow named Tony / who always rode Steve like a pony / he gave it his all / but he was really too small / and Steve left his ass for some baseball.)
(Tony: I'm going to skip the obvious falsehoods and just get right to the point, Barton: that's not even a limerick.)
(Clint: There was once was a lady named Pepper--)
(Tony: IT WAS A FINE LIMERICK, BARTON. I'm recommending you for the next poet laureate.)
(Coulson: Don't encourage him. It only leads to trouble. Don't make work for me.)
(Tony: I'm liking your style here, Coulson.)
The final piece of the puzzle is the presentation of your accurate, stylish report. An error at this stage can sink an entire mission.
(Thor: I was given forms. I did not like their look and, I threw them away.)
(Tony: Now you're getting it.)
1. Stone tablets are to be delivered directly to Agent Coulson, as his mailbox will not accommodate them.
(Clint: Also remember to throw your computer on the floor and shout, “ANOTHER.” That's how we send emails here in Midgard.)
(Coulson: Barton, if I have to write you up one more time for contributing to the misuse of SHIELD property...)
(Clint: As I recall, you weren't complaining last time.)
(Tony: Better watch it, he used your last name.)
(Clint: He only does it for the turn-on.)
2. Athough creative font choice is encouraged, Comic Sans is cause for immediate termination.
(Clint: Although you should use Papyrus in all communications sent to Hill. It's her favorite.)
(Tony: Well played.)
(Thor: I have begun to understand this sarcasm that is so essential to Midgard.)
(Tony: Dammit. There goes all my fun.)
3. Powerpoint presentations should apparently cost less than fifty thousand dollars (USD), which is a stupid rule, so don't bother following it.
(Clint: That was the greatest fucking Powerpoint in the history of the world, dude.)
(Tony: I thought the chorus line was particularly inspired.)
(Thor: We shall never see its like again.)
(Coulson: For very good reason.)
Please obey these guidelines whenever possible. It is absolutely critical for the good of the Initiative that mission reports be accurate, well-written, and entertaining, and also that Director Fury does not see this manual. We recommend holding it just to the right of him.
(Fury: There once were Avengers at SHIELD.
Then they got their asses kicked off a flying aircraft carrier at thirty-thousand feet.
(Clint: Roger that, sir.)
(Tony: That is EXACTLY why I wear a metal suit around you.)
(Thor: This has been enlightening. I look forward to crafting many mission reports in the future.)
(Coulson: God help us all.)