Buffy the Vampire Slayer was sitting at the head of the library table she usually co-opted for Big Important Discussions.
Her best friends, brilliant witch Willow Rosenberg and the sexually ambiguous, but lovable, Xander Harris sat on either side of her. Next to them were their respective partners, Daniel Osbourne, bass player and friendly werewolf, and Cordelia Chase, cheerleader and queen of the known universe.
“We’re not getting anywhere with this,” Xander moaned, giving a dejected sigh.
“That’s because you’re all morons!” Cordelia screeched.
“Thanks for the support, honey.”
“No problem.” She continued trimming her cuticles. Her perfect cuticles.
“Look,” Buffy interjected, “it’s all very simple. Xander is Freddy.”
“He’s not,” Willow insisted. “He’s Shaggy.”
“That makes about as much as sense as you being Daphne,” Cordelia retorted.
“I’m a redhead!”
“With a little help from Clairol.”
“This is my natural color!” the witch shrieked.
“Oh, sure. You and Ginger Spice.”
“Well, if I’m not Freddy, and I’m not Shaggy, who am I?” Xander asked.
“Scooby?” Oz suggested. “You do like your snacks.”
The other boy frowned. “That’s true,” he said slowly, nodding.
“I don’t date dogs,” Cordelia barked. “Besides, we all know Oz is Shaggy. Aside from the monthly molting, what do you think he does in that van between classes?”
“Devon?” Buffy suggested.
“Hey!” Willow screamed.
“Not since that little red-haired girl and I became exclusive,” Oz replied.
Willow gave a smug, triumphant grin.
“Oh,” Buffy said, nodding. “So that smell really is the wacky tobaccy? I just thought you were burning patchouli incense to disguise the smell of gay band sex.”
“That’s my cover,” the boy confided in an exaggerated whisper.
The Slayer nodded again, this time sagely. “Okay, so Oz is Shaggy, which I guess makes sense, because he has the van and the, um, pot.” She leaned over. “Hook a sister up?”
“It’s obvious that I’m Daphne,” Cordelia said. “I’m the most beautiful, and I’m often used as bait because of it.”
“That would mean you’re also danger-prone,” Xander added.
“Hm? Oh. Well, maybe not, then. Everyone knows I only get in trouble because of one of you.”
He snorted indelicately. “How quickly we forget frat parties at UC-Sunnydale."
“Forget how the brothers dressed you up like a girl and slipped a roofie in your punch?” she volleyed, shaking her head. “Not likely. I still have the negatives. Don’t make me use them.” She then tilted her head in thoughtful manner. “On second thought, give me reason to use them. I could start a website. I’m sure Larry would be interested in purchasing a set.”
“Larry’s gay,” Willow interrupted. “He has no interest in seeing Xan dressed up like a chick.” She blushed. “But, um, how much are you charging?”
Cordelia eyed her. “We might be able to do business.”
“Hey!” Xander squeaked.
Buffy groaned. “Can we please move on?” She glared at all of them until they shut up. “Okay, Oz is Shaggy. I vote for Xander as Daphne.”
“What!” Xander and Cordelia bellowed.
“That kind of makes sense,” Oz nodded, standing up to stretch and turning to look at Xander. “Think about it. You actually are danger-prone, and every weekly monster wants to get in your pants.”
His eyes slid down toward Xander’s crotch.
“Every monster?” Xander purred, leaning up toward him. “Does that include werewolves?” he cooed, fluttering his eyelashes.
Buffy restlessly drummed her fingers on the table. “Okay, so we have Shaggy and Daphne, but what about Freddy? The only guys left are Giles and Angel.”
“I’d vote for the walking corpse before the walking library,” Cordelia chirped. “Freddy was pretty much there to look good, and the same is true for Angel.”
“Yeah,” Xander agreed.
Buffy stared at him.
“Should I be jealous?” Oz asked.
Xander nodded. “Maybe."
“But Giles is much more likely to wear an ascot,” Buffy argued.
“That’s true,” Cordelia grudgingly conceded.
Willow frowned. “Actually, I think Buffy is Freddy.”
“Freddy Krueger, maybe,” the cheerleader huffed. “Look at those nails! God, get a manicure.”
“No, seriously,” Willow continued, turning toward the Slayer. “You are the leader of our gang, and you’re blond.”
“Allegedly,” Cordelia interjected, peering disdainfully at Buffy’s roots.
“And your plans to catch the bad guy are usually a little convoluted and a bit, um, crazy?” the witch carefully added.
The Slayer sighed. “Okay, I’m Freddy, Xander is Daphne, and Oz is Shaggy.”
“If you in any way imply that I am that big stupid dog,” Cordelia growled, “Harmony will be your new best friend come morning.”
Buffy’s eyes widened in terror. “Um, well, actually, I was going to say that I think Will is Velma. You know, the genius who always figures things out?”
“I vote for Giles as Velma,” Xander said. “He even has the glasses.”
“But Willow’s new short hair looks more like Velma’s,” Buffy protested.
“Oh, god! It does?” Willow sobbed, jumping to her feet in horror.
Cordelia nodded. “I told you to come to me when you ready for a trim.” She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. “When will you learn that SuperCuts is not your friend?”
Willow stared balefully down at the floor. “I went to Fantastic Sam’s.”
The cheerleader stared at her, sincere tears ringing her eyes which, thankfully, were coated in waterproof eyeliner. She gently placed a hand on the witch’s shoulder.
“Oh, you poor thing,” she whispered, shaking her head. “I had no idea.”
Willow’s cries came more furiously as she knelt beside the other girl and laid her head in Cordelia’s lap.
“Xan’s right,” Oz said. “Giles is Velma.”
“I heard that!” a voice slurred.
They all turned toward the library’s private office.
“I thought you were going to hide his whiskey,” Xander hissed at Buffy.
“I did! He’s drinking grain alcohol from a measuring cup.”
Cordelia frowned, running her fingers through Willow’s ruined locks. “Where did he get that?”
“My mom. She makes it in the downstairs bathtub.”
“So, I guess that’s everyone,” Willow mumbled from Cordelia’s crotch.
“What’s the final tally?” Xander asked.
“I’m Freddy,” Buffy repeated. “You’re Daphne, Oz is Shaggy, and Giles is Velma.”
“What about Cordy?” he demanded.
“That’s obvious,” the cheerleader sniffed. “I’m the glamorous actress who guest stars in a Very Special Episode.”
“Like Sandy Duncan?” Buffy asked.
“Or Cass Elliott?” Oz helpfully suggested.
Cordelia glared at both of them before closing her eyes and gritting her teeth. “Let’s start over.”