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A Friendly Warning for Those Considering Playing Shadow Hearts: Bangkok Nights

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The Thing of Which We Will Not Speak

Mon, November 16 2009 - 11:15 AM

by Tycho

Last week, I believe I mentioned that Gabe and I had gotten our hands on the new Shadow Hearts game, and would be marathoning the game over the weekend. My opinion thus far: decent game play, the strange but appealing characters we've come to expect from the Shadow Hearts franchise, and the small but very present possibility of destroying your life.

Let's talk a little bit more about that last part.

It goes without saying that we would never have done that thing of which we will not speak if it hadn't been for the secret bistro dungeon level of Shadow Hearts: Bangkok Nights. I would submit that both Gabe and I were under a very great strain - getting the Power Rose inside the bistro dungeon boss's orifice is no picnic. And it was late at night, and we hadn't slept in something like 42 hours. And we were obviously under the influence of some subliminal subversive messages.

Those subliminal subversive messages came, of course, from the gay porn quest. Curse you, gay porn quest, and curse your bonus spellflowers for our magical super florist, too! The Phantom Flower Power Spray (available only once you've exchanged all the gay porn for the magazine and then taken the magazine to Melchesdick) is certainly an impressive offensive weapon, but it was not worth the price I paid, the terrible, terrible price.

But in the end, I'm sure what, as it were, brought it all together was the psychoactive effect of the cutscreen itself: the rose swelling and stiffening, its stamen or perhaps pistil - I'm no botanist - emerging, swollen and leaking pollen, from its soft sheath, the seductive, beckoning music, the image of the rose plunging (after seventeen, count them, seventeen attempts) directly into the hot, sweet opening of the bistro dungeon's boss (the svelte and attractive Indigo Subrosa), and of course the intense thrumming, pulsating, game-enhancing vibrations from my new SuperBuzz Deep Pulse Dual Controllers.

Yes, it was the pulsing, the throbbing, the thrusting, the hot, wet - oh. Oh Jesus no. Not again. My knees can't take much more of this.

God damn those gay-making Shadow Hearts developers. God damn them to hell.

(CW)TB out.

momentary lapse of reason

The Thing of Which We Will Never Stop Speaking
Mon, November 16 2009 - 11:37 AM
by Gabe
Get this. Tycho totally sucked my cock after we got the rose into the bistro dungeon bitch's whoozit last night. It was AWESOME. He's got suction like a fucking Hoover U5468-900 Windtunnel Supreme. (Uh. Not that I would know personally what a Hoover U5469-900 Windtunnel Supreme feels like.) Who knew?

Let me just repeat: Tycho sucked my cock, and it was super. Fucking. Awesome. Today, I am a new man.

Whoops, gotta go. Here comes Tycho again. Shadow Hearts: Bangkok Nights, I love you!

-Gabe out