Actions

Work Header

Vices

Work Text:

It’s a strange, strange, turn of events that Tony isn’t even remotely surprised that Loki is sitting at his kitchen table, sniffing distastefully at him. Weirdly enough, he’s just surprised that Loki’s alone, no villainous boyfriend/ally of the month with him.

He is more than a little shocked to see him shift and oh hey, if he didn’t know any better that was a baby bump on Thor’s little brother. Tony actually blinks back the hangover and strains to see if maybe it’s a trick of the light.

“I understand that for you Midgardians basic manners are just too much for you to comprehend, but do try and refrain from staring.” Loki clips, and Tony automatically backpedals slightly when he does look up. Default expression of annoyance aside, he almost seems…calm.

Loki and calm are really two words that Tony rarely uses in a sentence together despite Thor’s insistence that Loki’s the more rational one. Because really, it’s very rational to turn a whole street of cars (one of which was Tony’s brand new Lotus Evora) into ice-cream. The last thing Tony had felt like doing as he watched the beautiful, beautiful machine start to melt into the gutters was the need to be rational or any sense of calm whatsoever.

“Have you really never seen a man pregnant before?” Loki actually has the nerve to look put-upon, as if this wasn’t his house and he didn’t just break-in and enter, and wasn’t you know, PREGNANT.

“We haven’t really gotten that advanced in medicine yet…” Tony mutters, tilting his head and trying to rack his brain for any possible explanation for this to be a prank. It has to be right? There’s no way men can get pregnant in Asgard—Thor would’ve told him. Unless he forgot, he tends to leave out helpful pieces of information about Asgard and his brother in general until it’s too late. Tony makes a mental note to try and prompt earlier next time. Like about fertility rates in Asgardian males and not that he’s really worried or anything but there may have been this one time…

“It’s not yours.” Loki cuts-in immediately, rising up from the chair easily with a snort. It mystifies Tony that maybe, just maybe Loki’s done this…before. “I just need somewhere to stay until the baby’s born. This maybe too much for you understand since apparently basic pregnancy mystifies you, but a life of being constantly on the move and having to put up with you lot encroaching upon my plans isn’t exactly a good influence on a child. Best to keep stress levels low.”

Loki’s rooting through his fridge before Tony can even blink, and something tells him, this is a very, very bad idea. But then again, the idea of kicking out an at-times mentally unstable Norse god who’s probably running on pregnancy hormones would probably not go so good either.

Thankfully Thor’s signature boot stomping echoes nearby and the big guy just strolls in with a smile and a wave.

“Greetings friend!” He booms even though Tony’s headache throbs in protest and he claps him on the shoulder hard enough that Tony stumbles slightly. He laughs and turns to the kitchen, pausing as Loki hipchecks the fridge door closed and just raises a brow back at him. Tony doesn’t move, waits for a response. Maybe this is a first for Thor, he doesn’t look like he expect Loki to be—

“Brother, you should be resting!” Thor looks almost aghast as if he’s the pregnant one, and rushes to take the loaded plates of leftovers, “if you seek provisions, tell me and I shall fetch them for you!”

“Thor, I am pregnant not suddenly paralyzed, I can do well on my own. I have done enough on my own before have I not?” To Loki’s credit, there’s actually only a little bitterness in his voice, and it’s only at the last part of the statement. If anything he just seems amused at Thor’s antics.

“Brother, you know that I regret ever instance that I was not able to aid you—” Thor pleads, looking more than a little comical with all the dishes in his hands, trying to balance the plates while finding a place to set them down, Tony can’t bring himself to laugh though, this is all too surreal for him.

“Question,” He feels some moral obligation to stop Thor before he starts to sound like something off of daytime TV, well that and a burning curiosity that is probably going to get him a hammer to the head, “Why is he pregnant?”

The pitying look Thor spares him almost balances out the look of sheer condescension that Loki gives him.

“Are they really so ignorant on Midgard, they don’t know how to produce offspring?” Loki deadpans, looking more like he usually does on any other given day and it makes Tony relax for some strange reason, “do you honestly need us to explain how basic intercourse works?”

The fact Thor brightens at the prospect to actually be able to explain something to Tony for once instead of the other way around is more than a little disconcerting.

“Ha ha, I know how sex works. I’m just not sure how men can become pregnant since last I checked…that is physically impossible.” Tony thinks it’s a good defense, but the two gods continue to look at him as if he’s slow and it’s starting to really chafe at Tony’s ego (the headache’s not helping either).

“Tis not impossible for Loki! He is of Jotun stock—this happens often enough, Starkson!" Thor pats him on the shoulder like he’s some kind of kid asking why the sky is blue and Tony mentally vows not to explain Netflix to him whenever he gets confused again—or any kind of technology, ever. “Brother has given birth to many children!”

“Is this some kind of prank? Has he tricked you into this somehow?” Is all Tony can really come up with and Thor shakes his head with a laugh and Loki just rolls his eyes behind him with a sneer.

“Yes, I hold that much sport for jest that I sought out a mate and laid with him solely for your amusement.” Loki looks more than offended at the idea, “for your information, I enjoy being with child for my own sake. I’ve had many children before this one and I will more than likely continue to bear more after.”

“Yeah, but who is the father—I mean, besides you.” He makes sure to add when they start looking ready to explain the redundancy of his statement, “the other person or...God who helped you? Do you have different…helpers? Is it Thor? Are they all Thor’s?”

Thor and Loki actually pause to look at Tony with matching stupefied looks. Oh right, like it isn’t obvious to them how singularly focused they are on one another. Seriously, Tony’s seen Thor blow off his tall, hot, Asgardian girlfriend and that cute S.H.I.E.L.D scientist to go chase Loki around slums and deserted warehouses. That kind of devotion stopped at brotherly responsibility and mutated into something else entirely months ago.
“Did you just—” Loki is actually floundering for what to make of Tony’s assumptions while Thor purples next to him and predictably drops two of the plates resting on his bicep with a loud crash, he haphazardly drops them on the counter with a scowl.

“Do you DARE imply a Son of Odin would lay with MANY partners such as a harlot to her devices?” There’s a distinct slap of thunder outside and Tony has to admit he did kind of poked a raging god-like bear here. Tony is mentally preparing for Thor’s fist to his face when Loki sighs, puts his hand on Thor’s meaty shoulder and shakes his head.

“Brother, he has slandered your honor!” Thor protests, though he does shrink down slightly, the thunder and lightning pauses outside, “he DARES to attack the valor of the House of Odin!”

“He is simply inferring what our display probably suggests,” Loki seems to have recovered, just sparing Tony a glance with a raised brow, “though I do not know why it matters to you, but the baby’s other parent is not Thor.” Tony swears he can almost hear Loki add “this time” at the end of the sentence.

“Sorry big guy, this is just new to me is all.” Tony hastens to add when he realizes the two of them are waiting on some kind of apology, “I mean, uh, congrats to you and—”

“Steve Rogersson.” Loki looks past him and nods graciously with suspicious timing, “I hope that you’ll have more wits about you.”

Steve blinks at Thor, freezes at Loki and locks his eyes on his stomach. He doesn’t even so much glance at Tony.

“You’re pregnant?” Steve greets, Tony can see the whites of his eyes and Tony has to hand it to the guy, even this is weirding him out but Steve’s from the 1940s—he probably can’t even perceive the notion that a guy can get knocked up.

Loki flashes him a brief smile, it felt awfully familiar to the kind that usually comes with a paternity suit and demands for child support and almost opens his mouth to say something. Instead he leans against Thor’s side and glances up at his big brother. Thor immediately glances down expectant.

“Thor, I do believe I shall retire. All this excitement is hardly good for the baby.” Thor immediately rushes to support his arm, practically carrying him, “Of course brother, you’ve had much stress pressed upon you lately.” Thor makes sure to give Tony a very disproving stare as if to emphasize his point.

They stomp past Tony without a further word, though Loki makes sure to toss a smirk in a very sneaky Loki-like fashion over his shoulder and Tony has a sinking feeling that the next few months are going to be painful for everyone here.

Steve looks vaguely shell-shocked and Tony decides he’s just not going to get into it right now. He slings a weary arm around his shoulder.

“Gods, huh?” He tries to prompt, ignoring how his headache is promptly free to attack his senses now.

“Y-Yeah…” Steve replies, less than enthusiastic, he looks so pitiful that Tony actually feels like giving him a hug or some kind of small furry animal.

“Need a drink?” He asks, if only for the symbolic act of it all, “I feel like we’re going to need some kind of vice to help us through hard times.”

“Burger sounds better,” Steve remarks, recovering enough to give a wry smile, “somewhere in town would be nice.”

“Aye aye Cap.” Tony nods, reaching for his keys. Hell, he’ll just deal with all of this when he has to later. When he’s sober and been fed.