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And They Say Romance Is Dead

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The 13th of February ends like this:


"You're -" Matt hiccups. "You're the bestest brother in the whole world, Jeffro. The very very bestest."

"That's nice," Jeff says.

"You are! You're the bestest brother I've got."

"I'm the only brother you've got, fuckwit."

Matt is drunk. Or rather, Matt's three shots away from alcohol poisoning. Actually, on the scale of one-to-Matt's death, it's equally likely that Jeff finally snapping and using the jagged end of a broken bottle to artfully redesign Matt's face will end up on the coroner's report, as it is for Matt to keel over from excessive alcohol consumption. Still, the whole thing is quite amusing. Montel hasn't laughed this much since that time in his youth when one of his friends had an unfortunate accident with some jump-cables.

"But you're the best only brother I've got," Matt says with conviction, taking another drink of beer.

"Oh good," Jeff says. "Hey, look. There's a huge gaping hole in the floor. I think I'll just go jump inside and wait for it to swallow me, okay?"

Matt gasps theatrically. "Can't do that!" he shouts, holding on to Jeff quite vigorously.

Jeff is getting more and more annoyed with each passing level of Matt's amorous drunkenness and Montel hasn't fully stopped laughing for the past ten minutes. Earlier, when Matt had been on his way to nicely drunk, he wouldn't stop punching Jeff; the arm, the leg, the stomach. When he accidentally punched Jeff in the face and Jeff had rammed his head into the wall - which subsequently started a short five minute fight that resulted in a bust lip for Matt and a bleeding nose for Jeff - Matt had decided that all out hugging was probably the better route. Because although violence between brothers is a normal thing, Matt wasn't about to let a punch up stop him from draping himself all over his sibling.

Montel had mostly stood and watched. He'd occasionally shouted encouragement when he thought one of them needed it, but other than that, he'd let them get on with it. Sadly, it was something he's used too. He's been dating Matt for about a year (ish. Maybe. Montel couldn't remember), and so far, he's seen Matt and Jeff fight at least two dozen times. The first time he'd tried to separate them, the fourth time he'd rolled his eyes and by the tenth time, he'd taken to kicking them if they came too close. Fucking idiots.

Anyway. Matt had moved on from the hugging stage about an hour before and is currently sitting in the limpet section of Annoying Drunken Behaviour. Jeff, to his credit, hasn't smacked Matt again, but Matt's luck is running out with each passing minute.

"Can't let you fall down a hole, Jeffro," Matt says, managing to successfully sway while sitting down. He's got his arm around Jeff's neck and his leg over Jeff's knee. He's speaking directly into Jeff's cheek and is completely oblivious to the growing frustration on Jeff's face. "You're my little bro and I love you -"

Jeff throws Montel a half pleading, half do-something-about-your-drunken-boyfriend-or-I-swear-to-God-I'll-fucking-kill-him look. Montel grins wide in response and sits back to watch the fireworks. If Jeff is going to smack Matt around, the least Montel can do is stand there and laugh. Because hey, Montel enjoys being the one that taps Matt's ass regularly, but even he can tell that sometimes, Matt just deserves to be punched in the head. And if Jeff is the one to do it? Well, Montel will do the dutiful thing and mock Matt about getting his ass kicked by his little brother when Matt's sober.

"- Even if you are queer," Matt finishes. This causes Jeff to choke on the mouthful of beer he's just taken. Matt whacks Jeff on the back helpfully while Jeff sputters and Montel laughs so hard he has to put his bottle down for fear of it ending up on the floor.

"I'm not fucking queer, you stupid balding bastard," Jeff snaps.

"But they said so on the internet, Jeffro," Matt replies. He affects a rather hurt expression before saying, "I thought I was your hero, Jeff. How come you told the internet and not me?"

"Oh for Christ's sake," Jeff mutters before shoving Matt off him and on to the floor. Jeff stands up and stamps off out of view while Matt picks himself off the floor. It takes him three minutes to sit down again (Montel counts) and a further two to ask what he'd done wrong.

"Man, there ain't enough time in the world to answer a question like that," Montel says, and moves to haul Matt to his feet. When they're standing, Montel starts heading for the door. Matt is going to have the bitch of all hangovers in the morning and Montel is quite looking forward to it. Another few hours of laughing like he's done tonight and he can miss his visit to the gym for the day.

Just as they reach the door, Matt grabs a handful of Montel's pants and says with all the allure of a drunken goat, "'M gonna fuck you raw, baby."

Montel nods. "You do that," he says and quietly tucks the use of the word 'baby' away in a special compartment in his brain marked Things To Mock Hardy With and continues to the hotel room.

It takes twenty minutes for Montel to get into the room, and once they're inside, Matt faceplants onto the bed and is snoring before the bouncing stops.


The 14th of February begins like this:


The unnecessarily loud noises of Matt heaving into the toilet bowl wake Montel up from a rather nice dream. Montel rolls over and grabs at his watch to see what time it is. 7:43AM looks back at him and he groans into his pillow.

Matt heaves again and the resulting splash causes Montel to sit up in bed and shout, "You could have closed the damn door, you ungrateful fucker!"

Matt's answer is another heave and Montel lies back down with a pillow over his face in a vain attempt to drown out the sounds.


But it ends like this:


The worst thing about sex between himself and Matt, Montel thinks, is the twenty minute argument about whose turn it is to top. Neither of them particularly care who takes it up the ass - the end result is always the same. Which is to say they both get off and fall asleep peacefully, but that's not the point. The point is that arguing is what they do and neither of them think that wanting to have sex is a justifiable reason to stop bickering.

"Look, fucker," Matt says. "I blew you last time. I remember because I told you not to shoot in my mouth and you did, so -"

" - So you threw me out in the damn hallway," Montel says. "I nearly gave a maid a heart attack. I wouldn't have minded, but she started screaming and I almost had to kick Jamie's hotel room door in before he could hear me knocking, the stupid deaf bastard."

Matt snickers and Montel answers it with a scowl.

"And," Montel continues. "He almost never let me in. Said it was wrong to open the door to a guy five inches taller than he is who also happened to be sporting a massive hard on at three in the morning."

"Yeah, right," Matt snorts. "Massive."

"Don't start with me, fucker," Montel says, advancing on Matt. Matt is lying on the bed - a place he's been for the past fifteen minutes while they've been arguing over blowjob rights.

"Look," Matt says again. He puts as much diplomacy into his voice as he can muster. Which just makes him sound slightly psychotic, as far as Montel is concerned. "The point is that I gave the last blowjob so it's your turn now."

And well, okay, so Matt probably has a point, but that doesn't mean Montel has to concede it. Well, he doesn't until he knows he can get something out of it. Montel takes the time to think about Matt's words. It's about long enough for Matt to take off his shirt and boots, though to be fair, Matt can get naked pretty quick when there's sex on offer. It's why Montel likes him.

"Okay," Montel says, pulling his shirt over his head. "I'll blow you, but you have to shut the fuck up and take it up the ass."

"God, you're so romantic," Matt says, rolling his eyes and dropping his pants at the same time. He's half hard and Montel licks his lips without even realising it. "Here we are, on Valentine's Day, the most romantic day of the year and you use phrases like 'take it up the ass.'"

"Man, shut the fuck up," Montel says and kicks off his shoes. "If I said we should make love you'd want to know if I had concussion."

"Well, to be fair, the last time you said that you did have concussion."

"Yeah, and you still haven't let me live it down," Montel says. He shimmies out of his pants and then advances on Matt, backing him up against the wall. "Sometimes, I think it would be easier to bang a chick than it is to bang you."

"Yeah, but with a chick, you wouldn't get the joy of my fantastic cock in your ass," Matt grins.

"No, but at least with a chick, giving her flowers and chocolates might shut her damn mouth for five fucking minutes," Montel says.

"Dude, you know that's not tru-"

Montel cuts Matt off with a kiss. It's hard and rough and he can feel their teeth clashing together briefly, but it stops Matt from talking and that's what counts. Montel nips at Matt's lip, hard, and Matt makes a disgruntled noise. Montel smiles and licks over the abused skin. He pulls back and Matt opens his mouth to speak again.

"Don't talk, fucker," Montel says, and Matt blows out the lungful of air he's just taken. "And don't look petulant either. It's not like I'm not going to make it worth your while."

Montel smiles again and lazily drops to his knees. He's greeted with Matt's hard cock, leaking pre-come and straining against nothing. Montel feels Matt's hand on the back of his neck, shoving him forward and he goes, taking the head into his mouth and swirling his tongue around the tip. He hears Matt moan above him and feels the slight pull at his hair when Matt's hand tightens.

Montel brings a hand up to rest on Matt's thigh while he grabs Matt's hard shaft in the other hand. He dips his head lower, taking more of Matt into his mouth, and sets up an easy rhythm between his mouth and hand. Sharp tugs to the base of Matt's cock and languid movements at the head. He can hear Matt's small gasps above him and congratulates himself on a job well done. And it's in record time too. Montel will have to bring this up later. He smiles around Matt's cock. That will be an interesting conversation.

"Fuck," Matt hisses and starts to move his hips. Montel accommodates the new pace, opening his mouth a little wider when Matt quickens his rhythm.

Matt fucks into his mouth and Montel finds himself reaching back to grab a handful of Matt's ass.

When they're not arguing, they're having sex and fuck it all, but Montel know he gives good head. He trails a finger between the cheeks of Matt's ass, teasing the hole, before Matt pulls his hand away and shoves Montel's fingers into his mouth. As Matt is sucking on his fingers, Montel looks up. Matt's cock is still in his mouth and he knows he looks fucking hot and he smiles when Matt looks at him and groans.

Montel's fingers slip free of Matt's mouth and Matt says roughly, "Fuck me with them."

Montel is nothing if not a gentleman, so he complies. He goes back to bobbing on Matt's cock, tongue lapping at the slit, while he reaches back around to Matt's ass and shoves two fingers inside Matt without warning. They go in to the second knuckle and Matt hisses through his teeth.

"Bastard," he says and Montel laughs around Matt's cock, the vibrations making Matt moan.

Montel eases his fingers out slightly, then shoves them back in. Matt gasps and tightens his hold on Montel's hair, but doesn't say anything. Montel knows well enough that this is how Matt likes it. Rough and hard enough to still feel it in the morning. It suits Montel too. Neither of them go in for that pussy lovemaking bullshit and more often than not, they generally forget such niceties as lubricant. And often any sort of preparation, if they're really horny.

Montel shoves his fingers in deeper, and takes more of Matt into his mouth.

Matt is making weird little noises above him, half moan, half something else. Montel has no fucking clue what he's doing, but whatever it is, it's hot-wired directly to Montel's cock and he's had about enough of this foreplay bullshit. He pulls his fingers from Matt's ass and lets Matt's cock slide out of his mouth, then he stands up and smashes his mouth against Matt's again. He can taste the tang of copper when he pulls back, which means one of them is bleeding, but Montel really couldn't care less.

He turns Matt around and shoves his knee in between Matt's thighs, spreading them apart further, while Matt braces himself against the wall.

Montel leans in, biting at Matt's bare shoulder and Matt hisses in response. Montel's cock rubs at Matt's ass, and Matt pushes out to meet it. Montel smiles.

"Hey," he says. "Since it's Valentine's Day, let's go mad and use some lube."

"Always knew you were a sappy fucker," Matt replies.

Montel huffs out a laugh and bends down to retrieve the small tube of lube Matt always keeps in his bag. When he's got it, he squirts a small amount on his cock, cause hey, there's no point in being overly zealous with the stuff. Matt might get ideas.

"Well, you know me," Montel says, and spreads Matt's ass cheeks apart. "Always the romantic."

Montel doesn't give Matt time to answer though, because he positions himself at Matt's hole and then shoves his hips forwards, burying himself to the hilt. Matt curses and lets out a low moan at the same time, fingers curling where they're resting on the wall and Montel grins wide. Fucking yeah.

Montel eases himself out of Matt, until only the head of his cock is left inside and snaps his hips forward again, getting another low groan from Matt for his efforts. Montel does this twice more and is going for a third when Matt grits out, "Stop fucking around, asshole, and fuck me."

"God, you're a pissy bitch, sometimes," Montel says, but does as he's asked. He forgets the slow rhythm - it wasn't really meant to do anything but tease and annoy Matt anyway - and slams back inside of Matt. Matt grunts in response and Montel sets up a quick harsh pace, hips snapping forward, skin smacking against skin.

Montel's hands grip Matt's hips, fingers digging into flesh, and Montel knows there are going to be bruises tomorrow. And he's totally fine with that.

Matt breathes out a rough sounding, "Fuck."

And Montel says, "That's the idea."

He thrusts into Matt, harder and deeper, twisting until he hits the right angle that makes Matt yelp.

"Fuck, yeah," Montel says, as Matt reaches down and grabs his own cock. Montel moves his hand from Matt's hip and grabs a handful of Matt's hair, pulling his head back and exposing his neck, which Montel bites roughly. Montel's cock is still pounding into Matt, and he can just make out the erratic movements of Matt's arm as Matt jerks himself off. Matt's eyes are screwed shut as Montel fucks him and it makes Montel extremely pleased.

He keeps Matt's neck exposed, pulled back at what Montel knows is a painful angle, but he doesn't care. Neither does Matt. He's making small grunts and breathy noises and Montel isn't sure how long he'll last. He's thrusting into Matt at a bruising pace, but he'll be damned if he's going to lose his shit first. He has enough of that when Matt is fucking him.

"Fuck," Matt grits out again. He's trying to brace himself against the wall, Montel can see, but it's not working well. And nor should it be. Montel is just about to try to pick up his pace even more when Matt suddenly clamps down around him as his orgasm hits and it catches Montel completely off-guard. The intense feeling of tight heat around his cock makes Montel groan and he manages two more hard thrusts before he comes, white light exploding behind his eyes.

Montel is breathing harshly. He's pressed up against Matt's back and as he finally begins to come down from his orgasm, he realises two things. One, he still has a handful of Matt's hair, and two, Matt's spunk is splattered on the wall. Naturally, in moments like this, Montel finds himself focusing on the important stuff.

"The maid is gonna kick your ass for that," he says.

Montel is less than pleased but not at all surprised when Matt elbows him roughly in the stomach and says, "Let go of my hair, fuckwit."

Montel staggers back a little at Matt's blow, slipping out of him as he does so and ends up sprawled on the bed. Matt rolls his head and touches his hips where bruises will be tomorrow. Montel just grins. I did that, he thinks. Awesome.

Matt staggers to the bed and lies down next to Montel. He's fingering the mark on his neck where Montel bit him and Montel finds himself feeling very pleased. Sated, but very pleased. Which will probably only last until the morning, but fuck it all, he's going to enjoy it while it's here.

"I told you not to bite me, fucker," Matt says. "Make up keep having fits."

"Oh, shut up," Montel replies. "It's not like you don't like it. Kinky bastard."

Matt says nothing and Montel nods, because they both know Montel is right. They lie in silence for a few minutes and Montel is contemplating the advantages of moving so he's under the blankets when Matt says, "If you were any kind of lover, you'd go get a cloth to clean me up with. In fact, you'd clean me up."

"Fuck off," Montel says, turning his head to look at Matt. "Go clean yourself up if you're that bothered."

"Fucker," Matt says, rolling his eyes. "It's Valentine's Day. Where's the romance, Montel?"

"The romance disappeared out of our relationship the first time you shoved my face in a pool of come," Montel replies. "I nearly choked."

Matt laughs loudly. "Man, that was funny."

"Bastard," Montel says. He turns on his side, getting comfortable. It's warm in the room. He can totally live without a blanket. "If you insist on romance though, I suppose I could force myself to spoon."

"No thanks," Matt says, making himself comfortable too. All thoughts of getting clean obviously forgotten about. "You're annoying enough when I'm awake, I don't need that shit creeping into my subconscious when I'm sleeping."

"Fucker," Montel replies.

"Asshole," Matt says.

And that's as close as they get to goodnight. Or romance, for that matter.