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Tears of an angel

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Yellow walls, white clothes, small bed and strong smell of medicines. Another ordinary evening. How long have I been here, is there anyone who still cares, who still needs me? Why am I even breathing, why they didn’t just kill me? It would be so much easier for them. And by the way, I deserve to die. After what I’ve done. To my brothers and sisters, to Sam, to…Dean…

- Aw, you miss elder Winchester , don’t you, little brother? How cute. First love is so wonderful. – He thinks he’s funny. It’s all just a little entertainment to him.

- Your insinuations are unfounded, Lucifer.

- Whatever helps you sleep at night. Of sorry, my mistake. Angels don’t sleep, right?

Sometimes I wish I could. You know… to fall asleep and never wake up. Maybe it’s not so complicated to understand why some people try to end their lives. Sometimes it’s just too much. Especially, when every second someone reminds you about everything that you would really like, but would never forget. Sometimes you regret that you’re not human. You are an angel. And angels…

-…have ideal memory, yeah. You know, Castiel, you’re so angsty. It even makes me sad. Sorry, just joking. So how was it to finally switch side of saints to dark one? You were even worse than me. No, seriously. To put these Levianthans out of Purgatory. Nice creatures by the way. Know only how to kill. Yeah, funny guys… Then, also to kill almost all of your brothers, to make a deal with demon. Nice, really nice... To give this humans everything, try to save them all…and what exactly did you get in response? Nothing? Where are your “friends”, Cas? Where is your Dean?

- Brother, please, just stop.

- And what fun would be in that? – He eats your misery.

It’s so dark here. Sometimes Lucifer changes your room to Hell or Heaven. Depends on his mood. But both of them are the same painful. He tries to lead you to madness, but you still angel, even if the broken one. And it’s still hard.

- Could you end all this? You know, just kill me or something?

He never really tries, just talks about it… He likes it: to say some painful things, to make big holes inside of you… But…

- It’s more interesting like this, little brother.

But I’m so tired, so tired of all this pain. He really knows all my weak points. Well, I guess it’s not so hard, but I just need to find an exit. To end this somehow. I just… Please, just…

- Cas, - too soft for Lucifer. I open my eyes. But it's still just...him.

- Please, just go away, please, - my voice is small.

- Sh… Cassie, it’s me.

Something’s wrong, I can feel it, but… I’m just too tired.

- Why don’t you just kill me? Please, - last word sounds more like sob.

Lucifer sighs softly and smiles with such heartbreaking sadness. I close my eyes and start to shiver.

- Cassie, everything will be alright.

Then I feel cold gentle finders on my forehead and fall into darkness.




When I open my eyes, sun is shining brightly through the curtains. The room is big and unknown, with some beautiful pictures on the walls. And it’s strange… I quickly sit in the bed.

- W-where am I?

- Oh, so you’re awake.

I look at handsome man with bright blue eyes, blond hair and charming smile.

- Balthazar. But… I… we’re not in Heaven… You… I don’t understand. I was in the hospital…

- Oh, that. Yeah, yeah. Want a cup of coffee in bed? It’s from French best Café.

He gives me a cup with amazing aroma and smiles, sipping from his own cup.

- But I should come back. Dean. He must be missing me.

- Oh yes, his reaction was just brilliant. Almost killed that pretty smoky black –haired demon.

- What?

- Oh yeah, yeah. Those hairless apes leave you to her and then go to their honeymoon vacation. Yeah-yeah… our miracle two together again blah-blah-blah yadda-yadda-yadda.

I take a careful sip from the cup. Mm… Even if we don’t need to eat we still can appreciate sometimes some…

- Tasty, isn’t it? – Balthazar says, leaning against the wall. – Bloody Hell, you looked so small and exhausted that I thought it would be better if I find you something to eat. If you like I have burgers in the kitchen and several types of ice-cream and croissants.

I wasn’t hungry and didn’t want to try anything, but since Balthazar already come into the kitchen, I have no choice…

He stands near the window and smiles looking at something.

- Nice day, isn’t it? Best one to start a new life.
- You’re alive.

Balthazar laughs and turns to me.

- You always were so obvious. Sure I am.

- But how? I thought you…that I…?

- Unhappy to find otherwise?

I sit at the nearest chair.

- Not, but aren’t you…pissed?

- Pissed? – he laughs, comes closer to me, and pats my hair. – Where did you even learn this word? Oh, don’t tell me. It was bloody, Winchesters, weren’t they? Eh… You know, you’re the most amusing and interesting angel from all the Heaven. And ‘f cause I’m not..."pissed" at you. You thought that what you were doing was right. You were wrong. Oh, that happens all the time.

- I killed a lot of our brothers and sisters. I let the Leviathans out.

Balthazar lows his hand from my head, down my cheek and neck and then squeezes my shoulder.

- You’re still my little brother. It’s my duty to love you no matter what. I can’t stop, you know? You’re my favorite angel…creature in the whole world. I’ll always be by your side.

I smile unsure and nod a lit:

- Thank you. But how did you? I mean Lucifer?

Balth smirks wickedly:

- Oh, come on, Cassie. You really believed that I gave you ALL the weapon? Of course I left something for myself. You know for special occasions. And now stop talking and start to eat this delicious breakfast.

- But what about Levaithans?

- You can’t just drop it and don’t ruin our meal, could you? By the way I brought all this especially for you. World wouldn’t end up for next 10 minutes.

- But…

- Oh, for Father’s sake, - he says and disappears.

But after 2 or maybe 3 seconds he appears once again, but a little bit angry.

- I left some “horrible, everything destroying toy with instructions” for our wonder brother. Would it be enough? Holly Hell, these apes really spoiled you. Try to light up and enjoy your life a lit. Or I really put this stick our of your ass and it would be very very painful.

- But didn’t you told me some minutes ago that you loved me?

- One thing doesn’t contradict the other. So, now, Cassie. Try-try!

Balthazar sits opposite of me and looks intense and…with such a joy like I take a bite from croissant. And in moments like this I can really understand why some people compare each other to puppies or other animals.

- So, Cassie? How was it? You like it? Like it?

- Yeah, good boy, - I murmur.

- What was that?

- Nothing, I said it was good.

- Stop, stop. No way, you were trying to joke?

- No.

- Come on, Cassie. Just tell me, that you’re jealous of me, my amazing charm and sense of humor.

- No.

- Aw, you hurt my feelings.


It’s already a night, but I’m still somewhere with Balthazar. We lie on the bed and watch stairs from the window in the ceiling.

- And what did you use against Lucifer.

- Come on, why can’t you just leave it?

I turn my face to the left and look into my brother’s eyes.

- I think human calls this curiosity.

- You spend too much time around them.

- It’s a good distraction. So?

- Nah, just some mix of magic and tears. Nothing special.

- Tears?

- Yeah, you know…. The power of loving heart and angel’s tears… Nothing really interesting, just…

- And who’s those tears was? – I ask, interrupting him rudely.

- Mine.

I smile and yawn.

- Oh, Cassie. It’s seems like it’s time for little brothers to sleep.

- I don’t need sleep, Balthazar.

- Yeah-yeah, keep telling yourself this. Here, let me help you.

He covers me with blanket, then presses me closer to his chest. And it’s so peaceful…So warm.

He kisses the back of my head.

– Sweet dreams, Cassie.

And I fall asleep, forgetting to correct my brother that we angels don’t see dreams.