Rules for Martin

by errantcomment

Summary:

Prompt fill

 

 

 

 

on the meme. The students Martin lives with have a list of rules for caring for the pilot in the attic.

Notes:

ahahaha Oh my god! Thank you for all the reblogs, Tumblr. Only you lot can take a list that was meant to be humorous and make it an emotional adventure. ♥

Addendum 2: jdkla 10k hits omg you guys are friggin awesome. Thanks so much.

Addendum 3: SOMEONE DID A PODFIC. MORE CORRECTLY PHONEBOXANGELS DID AND IT IS HERE GO LISTEN.

Addendum 4: I can't believe you guys! Leveragenie of 221B wrote this. It's called Rules for Arthur and let me tell you, I am dead chuffed.

1. Do not tell Martin about this list.
2. DO NOT TELL MARTIN ABOUT THIS LIST.
3. Don’t say anything if the rent is short. The rent will almost always be short.
4. He will occasionally miss entire months during the winter. Don’t say anything then, either.
5. His birthday is on 11 March. You can pretty much count on him to be working on this day, but make sure he knows that he’s not been forgotten.
6. If you ask Martin for a lift, even if it’s a quick five-minute ride somewhere, pay for petrol.
7. If Martin’s short on cash, ask for a lift somewhere and pay for ‘petrol.’
8. He likes fruit. Especially apples, but can rarely afford fresh produce. There should always be something fresh in the communal section of the fridge.
9. There will always be a communal area in the fridge, even if everyone buys and makes their own food.
10. If you have room, put some of his laundry in with yours. Between the van and MJN, he doesn’t need to spend an extra two hours every night waiting on the tumble dryer when he could be in bed.
11. The same goes for the washing up. He’ll insist on doing it all, every night, if you let him.
12. ALWAYS order enough take-away for two, and offer to share.
13. Invite him to house parties. When he declines, leave him a glass of wine.
14. Try to keep parties on the bottom two floors. He needs all the sleep he can get, and the floor’s really thin.
15. He likes romcoms. If you see something with Hugh Grant come up on the guide, offer to watch it with him. He could do with the social interaction.
16. He also likes to read, especially crime novels/mystery (in addition to things about planes). If you have any books, offer to let him borrow them. It’s one of the few offers he won’t decline without subterfuge on your part.
17. Martin quite enjoys cooking. If you want to see him really happy, let him make dinner for you. It should go without saying that you should insist he have some as well.
18. Be sure to clean up your room (actually CLEAN it) when moving day comes. He’s the one who winds up having to clean up after everyone over the summer to make sure the house is livable again in the autumn.
19. If you’ve broken something (window, the tap, whatever), make sure you’re the one to fix it, for the same reason as above.
20. Leave old but serviceable clothes behind when you go.
    
    ETA: Men only.
    
    Addendum: This definitely includes T-shirts. No matter how good he looks in a baby doll.
21. Don’t get him involved in flat wars. Even if you are right. He is Switzerland.
22. He’s here alone all summer. Make sure the cupboards have enough left in them to supplement his limited income.
23. If anyone knows how to fix a car, Martin's van will always be one road bump away from failing its MOT. Just check the brake fluid and the carburetor from time to time.
24. If Martin's family (brother/sister usually) show up, he is NEVER in.
    
    ETA: this is a MUST.
    
    Addendum: MJN colleagues are acceptable and allowed.
25. If you spontaneously decide to give him something, tell him your mother insisted you pass it on. He seems to be completely incapable of refusing people’s mothers.
26. He’s not there for when you rebound from your boyfriend. Martins are not just for Christmas!
27. Leave him an Easter egg when you all go home for Easter. He doesn’t go home to anyone.
    
    ETA: This applies to all holidays. He doesn’t seem to have been home in years. When he’s not on a flight, he spends the hols in his attic.
    
    ETA 2: He loves Airfix models. Make sure you get the paints to go with them if you do go that route.
28. In the second bedroom on the first floor is where the Emergency fund is kept. We don’t know who started it, or when, but the fund is for genuine emergencies. Even though they are generally Martin-related, he does not contribute to the fund and does not know of its existence. It should stay this way.
29. If he admits to being sick, he’s probably dying. Consult a medical student or doctor.
30. In emergency, call Douglas Richardson and/or Carolyn Knapp-Shappey. Martin won't think to.
31. No Anne Frank jokes.
32. No Casper jokes either.
33. Or Quasimodo.
34. If the cat doesn’t like your new boyfriend/girlfriend, that’s okay. If Martin doesn’t, they are not allowed in the house.
35. If a small child comes to visit, they will get on pretty well. Years eleven and above mean tears before bedtime.
36. Don’t draw on his face if he drinks too much and falls asleep on the couch. He almost always has to look like he knows what he’s doing the next day, and he needs all the help he can get.
37. Insinuations that Martin doesn’t know what he’s doing are neither welcome nor appreciated.
38. If you decide to colour your hair to a dark colour, let Martin have what’s left when you’re done. He likes his hair dark for his pilot job and can’t always afford the hair dye.
39. Don’t ask him why he has to supplement his income with a man with a van job. It’s just really unkind.
40. Don’t call Arthur Shappey stupid. Martin’s natural diffidence can only be pushed so far.
41. He actually quite likes the cat. He’s probably the only person to like the cat, but he can’t exactly afford to keep it around. Cat food is a small price to pay for keeping Martin happy.
42. Sometimes he gets sad. Make sure you see him at least once a day when this happens. Even if it means just taking him up a cup of tea.
43. His keys are always in his pocket, on the table by the door, or in the vegetable crisper. No, we don’t know why either.
44. Leave the porch and hall light on at night.
    
    ETA: If you decide that you need to save money instead, don’t leave anything in the way of the door.
    
    ETA 2: Solved with a nightlight!
45. The chart on the freezer should be used and followed religiously. Both his jobs are dangerous. If he’s not home within the hour specified on the chart, call his phone. If he doesn’t answer, call Mrs Knapp-Shappey (number on chart). If she has no information, then call the police.
    
    ETA: Don’t forget to tell them he’s not your son.
    
    ETA ETA: SERIOUSLY. Follow these steps to the letter. It’s not a catastrophe every time he’s late home. Planes get delayed and jobs run long. The police get really annoyed when they’re asked to find someone’s who’s in an airport lounge in Brazil.
46. If you know how to maintain computers, please make sure his virus protection is properly updated and all that. It’s terribly old and spare parts are probably hard to come by, but PS/2 mice and keyboards are still out there and always needed.
47. Don’t be stingy with your cigarettes. He’ll never ask for one, but you don’t want to see him have a nic-fit.
48. Just because he’s not picky about what he smokes does not mean it’s OK to give him weed. Seriously, that one’s just common sense, people. Pilots should not be getting stoned.
49. Similarly, the coffee in the cupboard above the sink is his. It’s always his. It’s the only thing he makes absolutely certain to keep stocked, so do us all a favour and don’t use it. Martin going through a caffeine withdrawal is just as bad as him going through a nicotine withdrawal.
50. Whatever you do, do not let both happen at once. You have been warned. Seriously, it’s like an English Werewolf in Fitton, and you do not want to see it happen.
51. Don’t mention that you think Martin needs to put on a bit of weight. He knows he does. Pointing it out is just cruel.
52. So is pointing out when you notice that despite this, he’s actually surprisingly fit, but it’s cruel for a different reason. Yes, it’s sort of amusing when he stammers and turns red, but he just get embarrassed when that happens.
53. Deliberately trying to make him stammer and turn red is not allowed. Boy/girlfriends who do it will be barred from the house.
    
    ETA: This goes for mums as well. No exceptions.
54. Mr Silvestri does know Martin lives in the attic. You don’t have to try to hide the fact from him.
55. Speaking of mums, try not to let yours hit on Martin. It’s never pretty and will just be awkward for everybody.
56. Or dads.
57. Or grans.
58. Don’t let your family hit on Martin.
59. If you do try to set Martin up with someone, be prepared to run damage control.
60. Even though it may sound like a good idea at the time, don’t try to set Martin up with anyone in the aviation industry. It’ll only go badly.
61. As it turns out, Martin is really good with numbers. He’ll gladly help you with your maths, but be sure to feed him or something in return.
62. Similarly, if there’s ever a budget crisis in the house, Martin is the man to go to. Just don’t mention the obvious reasons for going to him to help sort out tight finances.
63. What ever he just said, he doesn’t mean it like that. No, really. He’s just that bad at talking to people.
64. In the rare event that Martin brings someone home, the public areas are his. Related to the above, if something sounds like it’s about to go bad, try to offer some quick translation to what Martin’s almost certainly just said.
65. Related to the above, and the above of the above, his favourite ice cream is rocky road.
66. Related to the above x3, breaking out the Hugh Grant DVDs doesn’t hurt either.