The more Jeremy tried to convince himself that he had walked in on a fully naked Richard Hammond completely unintentionally, the tighter the curls in his hair seemed to wind themselves.
Jeremy sat perched on the step of the TG production office, smoking his sixth cigarette of the, well, past thirty minutes as it transpired, and trying desperately to get a grip on the roller coaster of emotions that were coursing through his system.
He sucked hard on the filter tip, and as he did so he was again conscious that he was thinking about Richard.
And Richard’s naked body.
And more specifically, Richard’s naked cock.
He inhaled again and the roller coaster began its slow ascent.
He, Jeremy Clarkson, wanted to touch another man.
The roller coaster plummeted down the steep tracks.
Another man’s penis.
Richard Hammond’s penis.
Metal shearing, tracks breaking, roller coaster falling to earth, shattering explosions, death.
Jeremy was gay for Richard Hammond.
James came stomping across the track towards him. “Well done.” Jeremy congratulated him.
“You’ve turned me into a sodding gay.”
James frowned, “And how have I done that exactly?”
Jeremy paused for a moment, mid puff. Good point, how exactly could he pin the blame for this on Captain Slow?
“Oh Christ.” Said Jeremy, and buried his head in his hands.
James waited patiently for an explanation, whilst carefully removing Jeremy’s fag from his fingers before he set his hair on fire.
“I’m having all these thoughts. It’s like being on a bloody roller coaster: up, down, and all around. There’s milkshake and sandwiches flying everywhere, and not even Jim’ll fix this.”
“You’ve seen Hammond naked haven’t you?”
“You’ve infected me with the gay.” Said Jeremy woefully.
“You can’t catch homosexuality.” James said.
“Then why is it I want to touch Hamster’s penis and, more disturbingly, have his penis touch me.”
“Have you talked to Richard about these strange new urges?”
“What would I say? Hello mate, how’s the Morgan? Mind if I engage in a session of mutual masturbation with you?”
James raised an eyebrow. “Doesn’t sound very gay to me. Sounds more like boarding school.”
“I have haemorrhoids,” Jeremy pointed out, “and a very short gag reflex.”
“It’s not that I’m not thinking about it.”
“Roller coaster James, roller coaster.”
“Now I’m thinking about you. You’re not an unattractive man.”
“Fuck off Clarkson.”