No Mountain High Enough
Family. It’s been everything to Dean for so long, he was lost now. He left behind the new one he had acquired just last year for the brother he had found again, just to realize the person occupying that body had no soul. No real memories of the two of them, no particular fondness for the antics of their youth, no resentment for the hardship they went through, no longing for the white fence dream he almost had, no yearning for the easy and exclusive relationship the two shared. This man, looming over him, larger than life, is a hard ass he doesn’t recognize. His Sammy is no more, at least not in a way he can reach to him.
Dean feels something breaking in him. The small candlelight of hope for a better future snuffed before it could shine bright. Lisa and Ben had been his life line, keeping him tethered to the edge of the precipice, alive and contributing, no matter how little to this world and to their well being. He owes them so much. And yet, he abandoned them for Sam. He will leave everyone behind for Sam. How stupid is that? This dickwad of Zacariah was right; they really are co-dependent. Well Dean more than Sam. Dean can’t even imagine following Ruby like her puppy dog over being with his brother. Ever.
Oddly enough, he misses the easy companionship he had with Ben and Lisa even more now. Ben gave himself to Dean without any reservation. A bit like Sammy use to, growing up. He wanted to be with him, wanted to do what he did, wanted to keep him apprised of his activities. If it wasn’t for his bubbly, and yet respectful of his boundaries, energy, Dean wouldn’t have taken so easily to the domestic life. Lisa sweetened the deal with her subdued acceptance of Dean’s pain and wholesome inability to simply be. He had to relearn how to read people that weren’t Sam, how to please people that were sharing his life in a completely different way, how to stay at a decent job and look forward for a paycheck. He became somebody else, and it worked; for a while.
He loved waking up to a warm, willing and loving body in his arms. He loved taking care of Ben as the son he will probably never have. At night, he wakes up with both of them entangled in his dreams and sometimes his nightmares. He feels small suddenly. Crushed by the sheer weight of what happened these past years; the impact the Campbell and Winchester lives and decisions have made on the world. He feels nauseous, just thinking about what else he will do for Sam, his Sammy. He will die for his brother soul, if that is what the Power that Be requires of him. He just needs to know this stranger will care.