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I Brought You My Bullets

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“Mikey…” Frank sighed, his arms wrapped around a slender back, his lips grazing against a pale neck.

Mikey drew in a deep breath; and forever gave up his sanity in four short, irreversible, words.

“No. ….” Mikey paused, truly fearful of what he was about to say, to do; but utterly determined.

“Call me Gerard,” he said slowly, deliberately.

He knew all too well that was who Frank truly wanted. He had seen the lingering looks between them, that had never amounted to anything but torture and frustration for one and a gentle massage of the ego for the other. He had to bare witness to those little awkward moments where they would get too engrossed in their own stupid games, laughing awkwardly when their lips came up a little too close to each others. And Mikey knew Gerard all too well, could see the delight in his eyes every time Frank allowed to slip out the slightest indication of his true feelings. Mikey knew that Gerard would keep it like this forever; keep Frank as that boy forever running eagerly behind him, constantly waiting for that magical day when Gerard would let him in. He would keep him at arms length but just close enough so that he could drink in the adoration on which he had become so dependent. And if Mikey could in some tiny way give Frank a taste of that man, that he would follow to the ends of the earth, then he was ready and willing to.

“What…..? Mikey….” Frank’s voice was laced with concern.

He pulled away from their embrace. His palms, slid, traced around to rest lightly on ribcage, the tips of his fingers curled round its edges. He looked into Mikey’s eyes. Searching.

“Are you sure…..?” He began.

But it was already too late. Mikey could hear the subtle overtones of heightened excitement painted on his lover‘s words, see his lover’s eyes dart across his own features with quite and joyous disbelief.

“Yes… I want you to... I want to do this for you,” Mikey said looking down, inwardly ashamed of his own eagerness to please. His inability to deny Frank of what he knew he truly wanted. The reality was that cost or burden or pain were inconsequential when compared to making him happy.

Tonight, just for this moment, this tragic and ephemeral moment, he would be someone else. He would be the man that had always provided the shadow for Mikey to stand in. The man he could never escape from. Their destiny’s entwined, bound tightly by blood; and cruelly dictated by the twisted whims’ of the Fates. Is it the biggest joke in the heavens that Mikey loved Frank uncontrollably?

Tonight he would loose sight of himself. Tonight he stood to endure, embrace even, the pain of the love his one and only had for another.

This he would give to Frank without thought or hesitation.

Frank kissed Mikey’s neck, leaving cool, wet, tingling patches. Moved his hands down his slight frame, reaching his waist, gripping firmly and pulling him closer.

“Gerard….” He whispered, the name came out all too naturally. And instantly Mikey’s heart felt torn. His selfless, merciful, gift to Frank was like shards of glass raining down on his soul.

“Gerard….” He moaned again. He was testing how it felt, tasted, in the air. How the phonetics conjured up countless allusions, magical connotations. That name reverberated through his mind and transformed reality.

Thoughtless fingers fumbled clumsily at small buttons on a fitted black shirt. Carelessly, impatiently, heavy hands released captive flesh from cotton bonds. Shackles of decency thrown off, Mikey feels the resulting pain of his lovers disregard. He could feel that Frank was lost in the opportunity to, in some small, twisted, tenuous way, be with Him.

The way Frank touched Mikey was unfamiliar and unnerving. Inelegant, lustful and bruising. He felt Frank‘s pained desperation in every awful touch.

’How long has Gerard made you suffer?’ Mikey thought, truly compassionately.

Mikey tried to quieten his lover’s shakes and fevered touch with loving hands. But his efforts felt utterly meaningless in the face of Gerard‘s eternal hold over Frank.

Frank placed a flat palm on Mikey’s chest, slowly, gently, pushing him down. He felt kisses hastily dashed down his neck, across and over his collarbones. Shamefully he couldn’t help but let a moan escape from his dry lips. Frank’s hot, wet kisses always demanded it. And in response he heard the muffled sounds, felt the gentle vibration, of reciprocation against his skin. Hands traced down chest, down torso and rested on Mikey’s waist band. Mikey ran his fingers through damp, cool hair and let them become lost in the tangle. He arched his hips closer to his lover's mouth, as Frank hungrily kissed abdomen, allowing tongue to touch flesh dewed with salty sweat. Frank’s fingers wrapped over and around Mikey’s waistband and held tight.

“Gerard… Please…? I want you.” The words were strained and came through shallow breaths.

Pain. Searing pain. It cut through flesh. It cut skin and bone; and scoured into the fabric of Mikey’s very being. He felt despair in all it’s torturous forms.

“Yes,” Mikey whispered.

“You… you want me?” Frank responded. He sounded so lost to Mikey.

“Yes, I want you,” Mikey responded mechanically. All the time begging for the pain, the hurt to stop. Pleading for his heart to let him get through this.

Mikey felt a tear escape, warm and unexpected. He hastily brushed it away. Frank needed him to be strong. He wanted to be so much stronger. Strong, like Gerard.

Unsteady hands were removing Mikey’s jeans and the world felt like it was spinning out of control. Crashing out of orbit. This was happening so fast and Mikey felt like a voyeur in it all. An unwanted guest in his own body.

‘Kill yourself, erase yourself for him,’ his mind insisted.

Mikey lunged forward with both hands and wrenched open the buttons on his lover’s jeans with a glorious force.

‘You don’t feel this. This doesn’t hurt,’ he told himself.

Frank groaned, a glorious deep, animalistic tone that sent a cool shiver down Mikey’s neck, felt it snake around his spine.

Frank pulled off his own t-shirt and threw it dramatically over his shoulder. His eyes shone wildly bright in the dark room. They looked possessed, totally glazed over.

Frank crashed down hard onto Mikey, his heavier form winding his target. He pressed his lips firmly onto his lovers, teasing them open gently with tender bites. The exciting sensation willed Mikey to moan and allowed Frank’s tongue in to explore the warm comfort of his lover’s mouth.

Mikey ran fingers firmly over an exposed back and reaped small gasps followed by hips clashing clumsily into his own, begging to thrust, to move in unison, yet at odds, with another’s.

“I can’t take it anymore….” Frank growled, pulling back, standing up; pulling Mikey to join him.

Mikey knew that this was it, this was the penultimate moment.