====>Be Jade Harley
You can't do that! For one thing, you're on Alternia and Earth does not exist in this universe. For another, Sgrub does not exist and therefore Earth may never be created, even in another universe. Which does raise the interesting question of how you're reading these words, but let's move on before this story becomes hopelessly entangled in meta.
====>Be Troll Jade Harley
You are JARLIA AGAION, and you have just woken from an early aftermidnight nap. You take a lot of naps, partly because your lusus tends to be awake during the day so your sleep schedule is a little erratic, but mostly because when you are asleep, you see the future. You think this is a pretty neat psychic talent -- maybe not as flashy as some people's gifts, but nothing to be sneezed at! Particularly when you also have the brains to put the random snatches you see together into a coherent picture, and the technology and social skills to do something about it.
====>Define "do something about it"
Either get ready for what's coming, or figure out how to change it. Duh!
Right now, you desperately need to change the future. If you don't, your friend Aradia is going to die!
====>Jarlia: Change the future
-- gleefulGorgon [GG] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] --
GG: please be home!
GG: i have something very important to tell you!
GG: like really really really important!
GG: oh for pitys sake answer me aradia
GG: this is a question of life and death!
GG: your death!
GG: death death death death death death
GG: come on you know that word is like catnip for you
GG: with big pointy teeth!
GG: or actually with vriska brainwashing sollux and big fiery explosions but anyway
GG: youre not home are you
It looks like Aradia is not in her hive and has her laptop buried in her sylladex so she can't hear the chime of incoming messages.
Phooey. You'll have to do this indirectly. Doing things indirectly is so much more complicated, and such a pain since most of your friends are kind of, well, jerks. But! You will persevere.
Hmm. Who's the best person to enlist for help?
There's no point trying to warn Sollux. Vriska can only control him half the time, but he has a migraine tonight and that leaves him open, no matter what you might say to him. And that's assuming he'd even answer his computer. You need to come at this sideways and get somebody to deal with Vriska since you know she'll ignore anything you try to tell her.
The obvious choice is Kanaya. She talks to Vriska all the time, and she's probably the only person who tries to talk her down from her stupider ideas. Buuuuuut, now that you think of it, you're not sure Vriska ever actually listens? Drat.
Vriska used to listen to Terezi, at least sometimes, but you're pretty sure they're not speaking to each other right now, which is part of what kicked off this whole mess that's going to end with Aradia vaporized in the ruins of her hive. And that pretty much leaves Jothan.
Oh, double phooey. You like Jothan -- he's a fun guy! -- but his sense of humor can be a little, well, dangerous. Especially where Vriska is concerned. This is probably not going to end well.
But you have to try! Aradia's life depends on this!
You'll just have to be sneaky.
-- gleefulGorgon [GG] began trolling ghastlyTrickster [GT] --
GG: hey jothan i have a great idea for a trick!
GG: want to hear it?
GT: ~~ oh hey, jarlia! sure, I'd love to hear it.
GT: ~~ but i thought you didn't like my jokes anymore?
GG: yes well i am still upset about how close you came to killing my lusus
GG: and stranding me and nepeta outside at dawn last sweep
GG: that was not funny no matter what you say
GG: but i was thinking......
GT: ~~ a strange and uncomfortable sensation!
GT: ~~ hehehe
GT: ~~ just kidding! you're one of the smartest people i know.
GT: ~~ except maybe for sollux, but he's a douchewaffle so he doesn't count.
GT: ~~ (and you-know-who, of course.)
GG: she cant actually sense you typing her name, dumbass
GG: thats just you being a scaredy little squeakbeast :p
GT: ~~ hey! i am not a little squeakbeast.
GT: ~~ i am definitely at least medium-sized. :p
GG: but anyway i was thinking
GG: you and vriska always help each other out these days with your tricks and her plots
GG: so shes stopped expecting you to pull the floor surface cover out from under her
GG: and that means shes a prime target right?
GT: ~~ bluh.
GT: ~~ you are so right. so very, very right. how could i miss this?
GT: ~~ she trusts me!
GT: ~~ this is perfect!
GT: ~~ what to do, what to do?
GG: i have an idea!
GT: ~~ yes?
GG: you remember the flarp mess right?
GT: ~~ jarlia, i am not talking to anyone about the flarp mess, okay.
GT: ~~ do you have any idea how many people have trolled me to tell me I'm an awful person?
GT: ~~ even feferi did, and i don't think she has any direct friendship with any of those four!
GT: ~~ it is stupid and ridiculous and not funny at all.
GT: ~~ it's not like i threw tavros off a cliff myself, and i didn't tell vriska to either.
GT: ~~ it's not even my fault i distracted terezi and aradia. i thought it was just another joke, and anyway, you should have seen their expressions when the special stardust hit their faces!
GT: ~~ hehehe :)
GG: you are my friend and i would like that to continue being a thing that is true so i am going to pretend you didnt say all that
GG: the point is that aradias really mad and sent ghosts to make vriska feel sorry
GG: but you know vriska
GG: i dont think its going to work
GG: especially since ghosts cant actually touch her
GG: so i thought, what if you sort of pretended to be a ghost and REALLY scared her??????
GT: ~~ ...
GT: ~~ this is not about pranks at all, is it?
GT: ~~ you're on aradia's side and you're trying to make me punish vriska.
GT: ~~ you know what? you can go suck your own nook.
GT: ~~ i don't like other people manipul8ing me, and if i want to get back at vriska for using me to get at tavros without telling me beforehand, i will do it in my own time and my own way.
GG: jothan wait
GT: ~~ i'm going to tell vriska what you tried to do.
GG: jothan no dont do that!
GG: shes going to kill aradia if you do that!!!!!!
GT: ~~ well that's between her and aradia, isn't it?
GT: ~~ may the best troll win.
GG: jothan for fucks sake dont you hang up on me!
-- ghastlyTrickster [GT] ceased trolling gleefulGorgon [GG] --
Great. Not only did you fail to stop Aradia's coming death, you may have just inadvertently become responsible for giving Vriska the idea in the first place. Stupid self-fulfilling prophecies. They are absolutely the worst part of seeing the future. Usually you're better at avoiding them, but apparently you're not thinking very clearly tonight.
Knowing that your friend is going to die before dawn can do that!
====>Troll Vriska's moirail
You can't do that because Vriska does not have a moirail! She would be a LOT easier to live with if she did. Probably.
Actually, the only people you know who have filled their pale quadrant are Nepeta and that sweaty weirdo Equius, though you have suspicions about Davven and Terezi, and you think Sollux and Aradia are probably leaning toward pale instead of flushed. You think Nepeta is awfully lucky. If you had a moirail, it might be easier to figure out what to do right now.
(Tavros totally does not count. That is completely and utterly platonic, because he is such a wet floor surface cover and lets Vriska and Davven and everyone else walk all over him. But you don't think he'd be any good at helping sort out your problems, and one-sided moirallegiances are just asking for trouble. Look at what happened with Feferi and Eridan before they flipped ashen with Alonde four perigees ago! That was such a giant mess. Almost as big as this FLARP mess you're trying to sort out now.)
====>Get distracted thinking about romance
This is easy because it's a thing you do a lot! When the nights are too short for you to visit Nepeta in person and play hunt-and-pounce in her forest and make sure she hasn't accidentally destroyed the garden you planted for her, you spend a lot of time talking about her shipping wall. Sometimes you argue about which ships ought to become canon, but not angry arguing. (Nepeta's too cute to get angry at her.) Most of the time you just gossip, or pretend one of the completely crazy ships is actually canon and try to figure out how on Alternia it could have happened. Things like Davven<3Alonde, or Sollux<>Eridan, or Tavros<3<anyone.
The only other person you know who cares about romance is Karkat, and the less said about him the better. (No matter how big Nepeta's flushcrush is.) Oooh, he makes you so furious! You have never had a single conversation with him that didn't degenerate into capslock insults! He is such a jerk!
Especially when he's right. Which does happen. Very, very, very, very, very, VERY occasionally. It's probably just the laws of statistics taking pity on him, though you can't see why they'd bother when he is such a fuckass!
====>Have a brilliant idea
It suddenly occurs to you that the reason you're not thinking clearly is because you're upset and worried about Aradia but you don't have anybody to help you focus and channel that anger so it's just piling up like a giant heap of fertilizer and stinking up your thinkpan. What you need is a good, cathartic fight to get it out of your system.
You know just the person to troll.
-- gleefulGorgon [GG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
GG: good aftermidnight mister vantas!
GG: how are you on this fine dark season night?
GG: at home drowning your melodramatic loneliness in equally melodramatic shitty romcoms??????
GG: signs point to yes!
CG: OH GOG NO.
CG: NOT YOU. ANYONE BUT YOU.
CG: FUCK YOU AND THE BARKBEAST YOU RODE IN ON.
CG: FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I AM BUSY CODING AWESOME AND DEADLY VIRUSES. ONE OF WHICH I WILL SHORTLY SEND TO YOU, HIDDEN AMONG NORMAL DATA PACKETS, WHERE IT WILL STEALTHILY EXECUTE AND BLOW UP YOUR COMPUTER SO THAT I WILL HAVE A SWEET, SWEET RESPITE FROM THE GANGRENOUS ASSAULT OF YOUR TYPING.
GG: no you wont your viruses never work right
GG: leave that to sollux
GG: he actually has a functioning thinkpan :)
CG: I WILL LET THAT STATEMENT SIT THERE AS ITS OWN SELF-EVIDENT ILLUSTRATION OF YOUR BLITHERING VAPIDITY.
GG: well okay HALF the time he does
GG: which is still more than you! ;)
CG: AT LEAST I HAVE THE SENSE NOT TO DELIBERATELY BURY MY HIVE IN A FUCK-DEEP TANGLE OF CARNIVOROUS PLANTS.
CG: REMIND ME HOW MANY TIMES YOUR LUSUS HAS HAD TO RESCUE YOU FROM BEING DRAGGED OUT THROUGH A WINDOW, BURNED ALIVE BY THE MIDDAY SUN, AND DEVOURED BY YOUR OWN GARDEN.
CG: OH WAIT, DON'T BOTHER, BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE
GG: dont you trash talk my garden!
GG: its a beautiful garden!
GG: the plants are just being enthusiastic
CG: ENTHUSIASTIC FOR YOUR BLOOD.
CG: BUT SERIOUSLY, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING TO ME? I THOUGHT YOU PROMISED YOUR INSIPID CATGIRL FRIEND THAT WE'D TRY NOT TO FIGHT SO OFTEN.
CG: IS THIS YOUR ROBOT?
CG: THIS HAD FUCKING BETTER NOT BE YOUR ROBOT.
CG: DON'T THINK I WON'T LOGIC BOMB IT AGAIN.
GG: you only did that because youre too scared to leave your hive and fight me like a real troll
GG: and no this is not my robot!
CG: I AM NOT SCARED OF TRAVELING. IT'S JUST THAT SOME OF US AREN'T HIGH ENOUGH ON THE HEMOSPECTRUM TO AFFORD THE KIND OF FRIVOLOUS LUXURY TECHNOLOGY YOU SEEM TO ASSUME THE EMPIRE HANDS OUT TO EVERY FUCKING SUPPLICANT AS IF ROCKET TECHNOLOGY WERE AS CHEAP AS STALE CANDY A WEEK AFTER 12TH PERIGEE'S EVE.
GG: my poor robot is STILL BROKEN you fuckass and nepeta hasnt talked her weirdo moirail into making me a new one
GG: which is a big part of my problem tonight
CG: YOU COULD HAVE FOOLED ME. YOU GET INCREDIBLY STUPID WHEN YOU'RE ASLEEP. THEN AGAIN, YOU ALWAYS SOUND INCREDIBLY STUPID.
GG: if i had my robot id have recordings of my dreams and then i might not have fucked up and accidentally made them start coming true instead of stopping them
GG: and now jothans going to tell vriska
GG: and vriskas going to use sollux to kill aradia
GG: and i cant reach him because hes got a migraine and hes trying to sleep it off
GG: and i cant reach her because shes not home and i dont know what shes done with her laptop
GG: and now aradias going to die and tavros is probably going to get culled
GG: and okay that part wasnt my fault
GG: i dont even play flarp its stupid and dumb
GG: but aradia dying totally is my fault and i dont know how to stop it
GG: this is the worst night of my life
GG: and i hate myself
CG: SLOW DOWN, IDIOT.
GG: but i hate you more
GG: and if i had my fucking robot, you fuckass, this wouldnt be a problem
GG: so really its all YOUR fault
GG: and im going to take my rocketsled to your hive and fucking smash your face up into your thinkpan
CG: JARLIA, SLOW DOWN.
GG: and lick your stupid hemononymous blood off my claws
GG: and then
CG: I SAID SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!
CG: YOU FUCKING NOOK-SNIFFING DOUCHEWAFFLE!
GG: i resent that
GG: im not a douchewaffle
GG: and hmm, have you been talking to jothan again?
GG: that sounds like something hed say
GG: what is a waffle anyway? is it some blueblood thing?
GG: but seriously! bad karcrab, stop red flirting with that guy!
GG: youre going to make nepeta sad!
CG: FIRST OF ALL, WHO I DO AND DON'T TALK TO IS ENTIRELY MY OWN CHOICE AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BIZARRE ROMANTIC FANTASIES OF AN AUTISTIC CATGIRL WHO LIVES IN A FUCKING CAVE IN THE WOODS AND THINKS YOUR FIXATION ON TROLLEATING PLANTS IS A-PURR-ABLE
CG: OR WHATEVER HORRIBLE PUN IS APPROPRIATE IN THIS SITUATION.
GG: hey! dont make fun of nepeta
CG: SECOND OF ALL, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, VRISKA'S GOING TO USE SOLLUX TO KILL ARADIA?
CG: I KNOW SHE'S A HUGE BITCH, BUT DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A LITTLE OVERBOARD EVEN FOR HER?
GG: yes but you see, aradia sent ghosts to make her feel guilty about what she did to tavros
GG: and then i dreamed that she was going to kill aradia
GG: and i tried to be sneaky and get jothan to distract her
CG: THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM. YOU FUCKING FAIL AT STEALTH FOREVER.
GG: but he figured me out and
GG: hey! rude!!!!!!
CG: TRUTH ISN'T RUDE.
GG: oh yeah?
GG: try this!
GG: you are a pathetic social recluse who is even worse than ERIDAN at actual real life romance
GG: at least he and feferi and alonde have a stable ashen trio going now!
GG: you cant even tell nepeta yes or no
GG: let alone terezi
CG: SHUT UP.
GG: because youre too scared to let anyone in but youre too scared to tell them no either
CG: SERIOUSLY, SHUT UP.
GG: because then you might find out that troll serendipity will NEVER work for you
GG: and you will be alone forever
CG: FUCKING SHUT YOUR FUCKING CHITINOUS WINDHOLE, AGAION, OR I WILL STEAL ONE OF MY FUCKING NEIGHBORS' TRANSPORT MECHANISMS AND COME SHUT IT FOR YOU!
CG: FOR GOOD.
GG: id like to see you try :p
CG: YEAH WELL, YOU WON'T SEE ME COMING
CG: BECAUSE UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE, I CAN BE SNEAKIER THAN A PACK OF RABID BARKBEASTS CRASHING THROUGH THE FOREST ON THE TRAIL OF A WOUNDED GRUB.
GG: yeah well i have a crossbow
CG: DISTANCE WEAPONS ARE FOR HUNTING VERMIN AND ALIENS, NOT COMBAT.
GG: what is that even supposed to mean?
CG: SHUT UP, I WAS IN A HURRY.
GG: you fail at insulting nicknames forever
CG: FUCK YOU.
CG: LIKE THAT EVEN MATTERS.
CG: WHICH OF US JUST SET OFF A CHAIN REACTION THAT'S GOING TO END WITH A FRIEND'S HORRIBLE GORY DEATH?
CG: OH RIGHT, NOT ME.
GG: do you even care that aradias going to die or are you just going to use it to score points against me?
CG: OF COURSE I CARE!
CG: WHAT KIND OF FUCKING SELF-CENTERED ROT-PANNED BULGE-REEKING ASSHOLE DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?
CG: NO, WAIT
GG: do you really want me to answer that?
CG: DON'T ANSWER THAT.
CG: BUT WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?
CG: I'D TALK TO SOLLUX BUT YOU ALREADY SAID THAT WON'T WORK.
CG: AND THERE'S NO WAY VRISKA WOULD LISTEN TO ME ANY MORE THAN SHE WOULD TO YOU.
GG: buuuuuut, maybe you could make jothan realize this isnt like one of his pranks?
GG: and that you cant just laugh and say sorry when somebody dies?
GG: he doesnt even care that aradia wont know vriskas plan so it wont be a fair fight!
CG: WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, HIS MOIRAIL?
CG: THAT FUCKHEAD DOES WHAT HE WANTS WHEN HE WANTS, JUST LIKE HIS SPIDERBITCH FRIEND.
CG: I BET HE THINKS ITS FAIR BECAUSE TECHNICALLY ARADIA STRUCK FIRST WITH HER GHOSTS, SO SHE SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED VRISKA TO RETALIATE.
GG: but aradia warned vriska first!
CG: THAT JUST MEANS SHE SPOILED THE PUNCHLINE TO HER JOKE.
CG: IT DOESN'T BIND VRISKA TO THE SAME RULES.
GG: death is not a joke!!!!!!
CG: I KNOW. BUT THAT'S HOW JOTHAN WILL SEE IT.
CG: JUST BECAUSE HE'S MY FRIEND DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S LIKE.
GG: what am i supposed to do now?
CG: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
CG: THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I KEEP TELLING YOU YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
CG: LOOK. YOU HAVE THREE OPTIONS:
CG: ONE, GET SOMEBODY TO STOP VRISKA DIRECTLY.
CG: TWO, GET SOMEBODY TO MAKE JOTHAN STOP VRISKA.
CG: THREE, GET SOMEBODY TO FIND ARADIA AND EITHER TAKE HER AWAY OR DEFEND HER WHEN SOLLUX ARRIVES.
CG: THIS IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.
GG: well obviously not
GG: rocket science is easy!
GG: people are hard
GG: thats why romance is interesting!
CG: I THINK THAT'S THE FIRST SENSIBLE THING I'VE SEEN YOU SAY IN FOUR PERIGEES.
CG: I GUESS STATISTICALLY SPEAKING IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN SOONER OR LATER.
GG: shut up, fuckass
GG: if youre such a master of troll interaction, tell me who to try for each of those options
CG: VRISKA DOESN'T LISTEN TO ANYONE EXCEPT SOMETIMES JOTHAN, OR KANAYA WHEN SHE WANTS TO PLAY AT BEING NICE.
CG: I DOUBT SHE'S FEELING NICE TONIGHT AND YOU ALREADY TRIED JOTHAN, SO THAT'S NOT LIKELY TO WORK.
CG: IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE JOTHAN'S MIND, THE ONLY PERSON I CAN THINK OF WHO MIGHT MANAGE IT IS ALONDE, AND I AM SO FUCKING NOT GOING TO TOUCH ALL THE REASONS WHY TALKING TO HER IS A TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, EXTREMELY INADVISABLE IDEA.
CG: BUT IF YOU WANT TO RISK IT, GO AHEAD.
GG: shes not that bad
GG: youre just being a scaredycrab again
CG: THIS IS ANOTHER FACET OF THE INSANITY THAT MANIFESTS ITSELF IN YOUR MURDEROUS HOUSEPLANTS, ISN'T IT?
CG: ANYWAY, I'D GO WITH OPTION THREE. FIND SOMEBODY TO SAVE ARADIA.
GG: yeah about that
GG: im pretty sure the only person who can reach her in time
GG: and also get away faster than sollux can fly and/or fight sollux without getting blown up
GG: is davven
CG: LAST I KNEW THAT FUCKING SHITSTAIN BULGE-MUNCHER WAS YOUR FRIEND AND DIDN'T HAVE ANY REASON TO DISLIKE ARADIA OR LIKE VRISKA.
GG: thats true but you see......
GG: hes always been the person i ask to help me change the future
GG: and he got so sick of me telling him to do things because of horrible futures
GG: which he hadn't seen happen
GG: that he said he was never going to listen to me again
GG: even though the reason those futures didnt happen for him to see is because he DID listen to me
GG: and if he hadnt listened terrible things would have happened to him and me and everybody else!
GG: like whats happening now
CG: YOUR SYNTAX IS GIVING ME A HEADACHE.
GG: well SORRY!
GG: its not my fault alternian wasnt designed with the right tenses for weird time shit
CG: DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE ABOUT YOUR PATHETIC EXCUSES?
GG: you look like scaredycrab gray hemononymous text on my computer screen :p
CG: DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE ABOUT YOUR INABILITY TO UNDERSTAND FIGURES OF SPEECH?
CG: DON'T ANSWER THAT.
CG: THE POINT, IF I PARSED YOUR SELF-PITYING DRIVEL CORRECTLY, IS THAT KRONOS WON'T HELP YOU BECAUSE YOU ABUSED HIS WILLINGNESS TO HUMOR YOU.
GG: if you want to be mean about it yeah
CG: TRUTH IS NOT MEAN.
CG: THE ANSWER IS OBVIOUS. GET SOMEBODY ELSE TO PERSUADE KRONOS TO INTERVENE ON ARADIA'S END
CG: WHILE YOU TALK TO ALONDE AND ASK HER TO INTERVENE ON JOTHAN AND VRISKA'S END.
CG: A NEWLY-HATCHED GRUB COULD FUCKING FIGURE THAT ONE OUT.
CG: I WILL GRACIOUSLY INTERPRET THAT AS, "THANK YOU FOR SOLVING MY PROBLEM, KARKAT, BECAUSE I'M TOO MUCH OF A HYSTERICAL IDIOT WITH A POLLEN-ROTTED THINKPAN TO FIX MY OWN MISTAKES."
GG: i dont have time to tell you all the ways youre so completely wrong about that
CG: BUT WHAT?
GG: this physically hurts to ask, but will you get terezi to talk to davven?
GG: while i talk to alonde?
GG: i know you hate talking to him, but shell listen to you and hell listen to her
GG: we dont have all night, fuckass!
GG: give me an answer so i know who to troll next
CG: OKAY. MUCH AS IT PAINS ME TO WORK WITH YOU FOR ANY REASON, I WILL EXPLAIN THE SITUATION TO TEREZI AND ASK HER TO DEAL WITH KRONOS.
CG: MEANWHILE, I HOPE ALONDE FEEDS YOU TO ONE OF HER PET SHADOW-WRAITHS.
CG: I WILL FIND HER INEVITABLE RECORDING OF THE EXPERIMENT, AND I WILL GORGE MYSELF SICK ON POPPED AND SALTED KERNELS WHILE I WATCH AND LAUGH AT YOUR PAINFUL, SICKENING CORRUPTION AND DEATH.
GG: youre still a fuckass and i still blame you for breaking my robot, but............
GG: thank you karkat
-- gleefulGorgon [GG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
CG: WAIT, WHAT?
CG: YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT AND RUN AWAY, YOU POLLEN-GRUBBING COWARD.
CG: WHO'S THE SCAREDY-BEAST NOW?
CG: I'LL TALK TO NEPETA ABOUT THE FUCKING ROBOT. TOMORROW. MAYBE.