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I am unsure what I hope to gain by writing any of this. I would say perhaps understanding, but even that is not quite the truth. There is no understanding to be had, at the heart of it. It is. We are. There should be no more that need be said, but there is, and yet, I regret the need for every word.
I have never had an equal. I was mismatched in my family - not cast out or abused, but certainly uncomfortable. It is a petty thing to be distressed over, but as a child, all I wanted was understanding, and it was the one thing denied me. In school, things were worse. Children are cruel. I refused to lower myself to their level, and they were incapable of rising to mine. mother would not allow me to skip ahead, insisting I would adjust, I would learn to deal with them. I did not. I refused to become just another ridiculous child.
And yet, in more ways than I knew, I was one for a very long time. Enough of an adult to convince Mother to allow me to leave, too much a child to understand what I was undertaking.
You know the course of things that happened then. I'll not explain them to you again, except the end. The Spear Pillar. The Distortion World.
Though we were foes, on opposite ends of the ideological spectrum, I respected you. We were not unalike. I could tell that even then. You were an intellectual, like me. You did not understand your peers; nor did I. You had never harmed me, despite by attempts to thwart your plans at every turn...but it was not because of some moralistic outrage at the idea of harming a child that stayed your hand. I was insignificant. It was nothing I was unused to; my own brother more or less regarded me so. But never before had I so wanted to be Significant.
That was why, when the choice came, it was not to save the world that I followed you /there/. It was not because of Cynthia's request for my help.
I wanted to be Significant.
I became so in ways I did not intend. I wanted to be your friend then, despite myself. Every fiber of my being told me I should not, but for that one place in my heart that told me, "He understands."
But I could not save you. I was forced to leave you there. I know now that it was for the best, but in the years afterwards, I lost many nights' sleep thinking, obsessing, what might have been had I not been so weak; had I not allowed my fear to take over.
I could not forgive myself. And then came the nightmares. Time and time again, seeing you there, consumed by the shadow, knowing that I had really done nothing to stop it. I let you fall. It was as bad as pushing you myself. I murdered you.
And then...you were there again. I was given a second chance. This one I do not intend to squander. I'll not be selfish this time. I am no longer a child. I understand now the gravity of my actions, both then and now. You may accuse me of having a child's outlook on things even now; that may be true, but it is not with a child's mind that I carry on.
No matter how much you push me away, think I am just trying to fool you, refuse to believe my words are just what they say and nothing more... I am Hikari. I am here. I will be your friend until the day I die.
This is my legacy.