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Thor Should Never Be Allowed Internet Access

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1

The first time it happened, Tony was joining Steve in the kitchen for a post-post-coital breakfast (Tony added the extra “posts” in his head to emphasize the sheer amount of times he and Steve had fantastic sex the night before. Though really, it should read something like post^4 or 5: depending of course if you counted the amount of times he had achieved orgasm, or Steve. He supposed he could add the two and go with post^9, but that would probably be just bragging). Tony was sitting on a barstool, enjoying his morning drink. Steve was dancing around in an apron and boxer briefs, frying himself up some bacon and eggs. Tony was just sitting back and enjoying the view from his perch on the stool.

“Shield brothers!”

Tony almost fell off his stool at Thor's grand entrance into the kitchen, setting his drink down onto the kitchen island just in time. Then Thor slapped Tony on the shoulder as he walked passed, and Tony was really glad he had put his drink down.

“Hey, big guy.” Tony rubbed his shoulder, chancing a glance down before keeping his eyes steadily trained on Steve. The Captain turned around just in time to spot the same thing Tony had, and flushed bright red. Tony nodded, holding out a hand in a “I'll take care of it” gesture to Steve. “Hey, Thor: remember how we talked about clothes? Outside the bedroom?” Thor glanced down at his bare... well. He looked back up, somewhat bewildered. “Listen, buddy.” Tony clapped a hand to Thor's shoulder. “You're giving poor Steve an aneurism.”

Steve definitely looked like he was going pop a blood vessel: face turned all red, eyes staring decidedly upwards as the bacon burned behind him. Suddenly Steve's eyes lit up, and he turned around to scramble through the kitchen drawers. A blur of pink and flowery cloth later, and he emerged triumphant with a fresh apron. He handed it over to Thor, eyes flickering down for just a second before his face turned even brighter red and he looked away again.

Reluctantly Thor put the apron on, looking over Steve and imitating the way he had it tied around his neck and waist. It didn't cover his ass, but then again... Tony chanced another glance downward. He could live with that view.

“But Brother Steve!” Thor clasped a meaty hand to Steve's equally meaty shoulder. “Surely you are no stranger to the pleasures of the male form?”

Tony coughed, returning to his drink. Yeah, he'd let Steve field this one for now. Maybe come to his rescue after a few minutes of Steve spluttering and flushing. After all: he looked so damn adorable when he was embarrassed. Tony wasn't going to come to Steve's defense and deprive himself of the sight just yet.

Sure enough, Steve flushed, looked at Tony, flushed some more, and shifted uneasily where he stood. Abruptly he seemed to remember his bacon, and turned back to the stove. Everything was reasonably burned - bacon and eggs both - but he still slid it onto the plate he had ready and started to toss some peppers and onions on the bacon grease leftover in the pan. “I... I don't...”

Thor was at Steve's side, one arm wrapped around Steve's shoulder, the other snatching up a piece of bacon as he watched Steve cook. “Don't be bashful, good friend. The walls of our domicile aren't made of hardy Asgardian stone and steel: your nocturnal activities were quite evident to me last night!”

Okay. That's enough Steve-embarrassment for one day. Tony finished off his drink and went to set it in the sink, grabbing Thor's attention in the process. “Hey, buddy: over here.”

Thor turned eagerly to Tony, eyes glimmering with... praise? Tony shook his head, ducking to hide a grin. His life had taken an interesting turn, as of late: standing in the kitchen with two gorgeous men in aprons, discussing his fantastic sex life with one of them with the other. Not exactly what he figured he'd be doing on the wrong side of forty when he was a young, brash, cocksure kid at MIT. “Now, Tony: I must request something.”

Tony waved a hand in a promise to listen. “Sure thing, big guy. Shoot.”

Thor frowned at the expression, before his face cleared as he seemed to decide to let it go. He was learning, at least. “When the two of you copulate-”

Poor Steve. He launched into an extensive coughing fit over his burnt breakfast.

Thor continued, unfazed. “When the two of you copulate, could you keep control of Steve's exclamations of orgasmic bliss? He tends to be rather vocal, and of course even warrior gods need their rest.”

Tony considered this for a moment. He would believe aliens needing sleep, but gods? He shook his head, letting it go. After all, Thor's classification as god or alien was still a matter of debate. Instead he patted Thor on the shoulder as he rinsed his glass and put it in the dishwasher. "Sure thing, buddy. I'll do my best to keep Steve quiet next time."

Thor laughed, smacking Tony on the shoulder in gratitude - or apparently, congratulations. “Though I must compliment you on wringing such exclamations of ecstasy from your lover, Tony. Steve!” Steve had just managed to recover from his first coughing fit when Thor slapped him on the shoulder, instigating another. “Congratulations on having such a considerate lover! But please: allow me my sleep.”

Tears were pouring down Steve's face by the time Thor left the kitchen, disdainfully tossing the apron over his shoulder as he left. Tony allowed himself one more moment to admire the view before sliding onto the stool next to Steve and wrapping a comforting arm around his shoulder. Steve turned and pressed his wet, heated face into Tony's bathrobe while Tony ran his fingers through Steve's hair.

2

The second time it happened, Thor was much less jovial about the whole thing. And he didn't wait until morning to make his displeasure known.

“Ah! T-T-Ton-yyy. Don't- Ah! There! Please, please...”

Tony fucked up into Steve into fast, sharp jerks, eyes drinking in the sight of Steve flushed and writhing beneath him, hands clutching desperately at everything: Tony's biceps, forearms, shoulders; the sheets, the pillows, the headboard. Tony's arms were braced on the bed, bracketing Steve's chest as he focused fucking Steve into the headboard.

“You like that?” Tony rotated his hips a few times as he fucked Steve, soaking up the way Steve's eyes rolled to the back of his head, the way his hands braced, palms flat against the headboard, before flying back down in desperation. Beautiful, strangled cries escaped from his throat that neither man made any attempt to stifle: Tony because he loved to see the normally reserved Steve fall apart like this, completely unselfconscious and wanton; Steve because he probably couldn't even try to control himself at this point. “Yeah, yeah you fucking like it, don't you?”

“Tony... Tony, please...” Steve's golden eyebrows were drawn together, expression pained as his hands started fluttering closer to his erection in a desperate attempt to get off. “Tony!” Steve cried out: pleading, desperate. Tony groaned, an animalistic noise wrenched from deep inside him as he felt his own arousal building, and as he watched Steve completely lost in the pleasure of Tony's cock fucking into him.

“You ready? You want to come?” Tony growled, biting Steve's shoulder. Steve cried out at the action, before his thighs started trembling, shaking, completely uncontrollable around Tony's waist. “Yeah, yeah, there you go.” Tony bit down again on Steve: a little higher this time, on his neck. Then he sucked hard on the spot, bringing blood to the surface for what was sure to be a nice-sized hickey later. Steve's thighs shook harder; his cries escalated. “Yeah, there you go. Come on. Fuck yourself on me. You want to come. Go on. Do it. Come for me.”

With a loud cry Steve came, body arching beneath Tony before it curled around him, pulling him in. As his body squeezed down, muscles contracting around Tony, he felt himself teetering on the brink. Steve's body started to go limp beneath him, pathetic little “Ehn, ehn”'s wringing out of him as Tony fucked his asshole for a last few strokes. He came with a grunt, thrust three or four times through his own orgasm as Steve moaned and twitched beneath him.

Tony had barely pulled out, and had certainly not even begun to think about getting up to find a wet rag to clean Steve up with, when the door to his room was kicked inward. Steve scrambled – as well as he could with limbs orgasm-gooey – for his shield under the bed, while Tony slapped a hand out for his security system.

As soon as the debris settled, Tony realized such paranoia was unnecessary. It was just “Thor?! Seriously? Fucking hell.” Tony slapped at his nightstand again, canceling his security measures.

“Brothers! I understand you are copulating!”

Tony rolled his eyes, flopping back down onto his many pillows. “'Copulated', Thor. Past tense. We're done.”

Thor narrowed his eyes at Steve and Tony, before pointing Mjölner – holy shit, he brought Mjölner in with him?! – at the two men. “I requested that your copulation be more quiet next time! It is the next time, and night time, and I need my warrior rest!”

Steve was dragging blankets over himself – all the blankets on the bed, it seemed – while Tony listed on the bed, getting more irritated with Thor by the minute. “Okay, okay. Could you just leave? We're done, we'll be better next time. Cool?”

Thor's eyes were narrowed. He pointed Mjölner at Tony one more time, emphatically. “I do not wish to listen to your copulation disturb my rest again. See that it doesn't happen!” He started to turn, lowering Mjölner. Then he glanced at Steve, nodding slightly. “Again: I offer my congratulations to you for having such a considerate lover. May many happy – quiet – orgasms await you in your future.”

As soon as he left, Tony lifted his head from his pillow and stared at the empty space where his door once was. He turned to Steve, who couldn't be buried under more blankets if he tried. “Your bed, tonight?” he asked. “Jarvis'll have the door taken care of by lunch tomorrow.”

Steve nodded, obviously miserable. Sighing, Tony leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to Steve's temple before rubbing his shoulder. “Come on. Let's get you cleaned up and we'll get over to your room.”

3

The last time it happened, Tony was sitting on the couch with Steve, arm wrapped around his shoulders and a bowl of popcorn between them. They were up to number 34 on AFI's top 100 movie list: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. It had come out when Steve was still awake, back in the thirties, but with a severe lack of people to go to the movies with back in the day, Steve had never gotten around to seeing it. As it was, he was currently enchanted with the animated picture. Tony spent his time being enchanted with the smiles flickering across Steve's face as he watched.

The sound of big boots stomping into the living area distracted Tony from his contemplation of Steve's chiseled face. Tony sighed, stroking a hand over the back of Steve's neck even as he tilted his head back to see who was interrupting their movie time.

“Shield brothers! I have discovered a solution! Thanks to the internet!”

Tony's eyes went wide. Oh fuck. Thor had used the internet. To find a solution to some problem. This couldn't end well.

A moment later Tony's worst fears were confirmed when he spotted the... item... in Thor's hand. His eyes went wide, expression stricken. Oh, no way. No way in hell was he letting Steve see that.

In one swift movement Tony dropped a kiss to Steve's hair, pressed a hand to his shoulder in a gesture to “stay”, and vaulted over the back of the couch. “Hey, big guy. Come here and you can show me what you've got there.” With a not-so-gentle hand on Thor's elbow, Tony steered him as far away from Steve as he could manage, while still staying in the room.

“I have used the internet! And the google!”

Tony nodded, arms crossed over his chest as he kept one eye on Steve and the other on the item clenched in Thor's meaty fist. “Uh-huh. Care to tell me what exactly you typed into the google?”

“Silencing your partner during copulation!” Thor shoved his hand out, dangling the ball gag – yeah, it was definitely a ball gag, awesome – in front of Tony's face. “And look! This world has tools just for such situations!”

“Yeah. Um.” Tony rubbed the back of his head, then brought his hand around to scratch at his goatee. “Listen, why don't you give that here and-”

“Tony?”

Shit. Steve.

Wincing, Tony turned to face Steve. Somehow he had managed to creep up, unnoticed by either Thor or Tony. His big blue eyes were filled with confusion as he looked at the ball gag held in Thor's hand, dangling in mid-air as he was about to pass it over to Tony.

“What's that?”

Tony tried to jump in: he really did. His mouth started spewing all manner of capricious things meant to distract and misdirect. Of course, Thor ignored him. Great.

“It is what this world titles a 'ball gag'! It's use is for keeping your lover quiet during copulation!”

Steve eyed the ball gag - still dangling from Thor's finger - a flush slowly spreading across his face and neck. “Ah. Uh. Ah.” Steve's mouth flapped as he tried to form words, his eyes fixed on the bright red ball part of the ball gag. “I... It...”

“You put it in your mouth!” Immediately Thor demonstrated: sticking the ball in his mouth and holding the straps behind his head with one hand, while gesticulating violently with the other. “Mmmf mmmf mf mmmf!” He took it out of his mouth, grinning broadly. “See! You may allow Tony to penetrate you most violently, and your cries will remained muffled!” Again, he shoved the ball into his mouth and shouted through it, the sounds of his cries considerably muffled.

Watching Steve carefully, Tony could tell this conversation needed to end, now. He was reaching critical levels of embarrassment at this point. “Okay, give it.” Tony grabbed the gag from Thor and shoved it in his sweatpants' pocket. With a sigh he patted Thor on the shoulder. “You did good, buddy. Now skedaddle. Unless you're willing to sit quiet while Steve and I finish up our movie.”

Thor positively beamed at Tony. “This internet! It is a most useful tool! I will be sure to consult it in the future if I ever need the solution for any sexual mishaps!”

“Great, alright.” Tony slapped Thor's arm again, then placed his hand gently on Steve's waist. “Excuse us. Movie date.”

With a jaunty wink, Thor slammed both hands down on Steve and Tony's shoulders, divine smile filling his face. “Enjoy your quiet copulation! I will enjoy my sleep come this sundown!”

“Okay. Great.” Finally, Thor left them, whistling some jaunty Asgardian tune. As delicately as he could, Tony steered Steve back to the couch, ball gag pressing an awkward bulge into his thigh. Tony made a note to return to his bedroom immediately after the movie. He didn't need some asshole like Clint teasing Steve mercilessly if he figured out what it was.

“Tony?” Steve's voice was almost a whisper as the settled back on the couch together.

“Sorry,” Tony murmured, pressing a kiss to Steve's hair. He ran his fingers through it, teasing the short hairs on the back of Steve's neck. “Sorry. I'll get rid of it as soon as the movie's over, don't worry.”

As Tony was nuzzling at Steve's jaw in an attempt to be comforting, Steve spoke again. “Don't.”

Tony stopped, blood rushing from his head and heading south. “Hnf?” He seriously couldn't manage a single syllable of an actual word at that moment. His head was spinning with the shock.

“Don't?” Steve whispered again, inflection making the word almost a question. “I... we could. Try.” When Tony concentrated long enough to look up into Steve's eyes, he saw an eagerness glimmering there. “I mean...” Steve cleared his throat, obviously embarrassed but also just as obviously determined to speak his piece. “At least, to silence Thor's complaints.”

Tony shifted, the ball gag in his pocket no longer the only thing distorting his sweatpants with a bulge. He swallowed thickly, feeling something akin to adoration as he looked up at the nervous lustiness that painted Steve's features. He grinned as he watched Steve smile cautiously back at him. “Well,” Tony licked his lips, “Thor's complaints aren't the only things that're going to be silenced.”