Tony has a very nice pool. He doesn't get to use it very much, because it isn't near his lab, but that doesn't change the fact that Tony has the nicest pool that money can buy. Things happen to his pool. Pepper has it cleaned and refilled or whatever it is you need to do to maintain a pool. Tony's not an expert on pools, but he does have a pretty decent idea of what a pool should and shouldn't have. Water, chlorine, stairs, a diving board, an awesome view, and probably some other stuff he doesn't care about. Whatever. It's a pool. It takes care of itself. Or Pepper takes care of it. Same difference.
He's pretty damn sure his pool should not have ducks paddling around in it.
And yeah, it's Clint's fault. Has to be, because Coulson's too much of a suit to let his ducks have any kind of fun. No, their ducks in Tony's pool has Clint's name all over it and Tony's going to kill him because of it.
"Barton!" he calls out again when the archer doesn't immediately appear. "Come get your damn ducks!"
The ducks in question are making little ducky calls amongst themselves. And okay, yeah. That's kind of fucking adorable.
"Fine," he snaps. "Stay there. See if I care. But just this once. I find you in there again, and I'll let Thor turn you into some kind of Norse stew. Got that?"
Duck-Steve (and yeah, Tony's pretty sure that's Steve, because he has human-Steve's same disapproving, "Tony, that was mean. You should apologize or I will cry giant, patriotic tears because I believe you are better than that, and I am now very disappointed in you," look) paddles toward him. Tony reaches out a hand and Duck-Steve lets him pat his head as he swims by.
Yeah, Duck-Steve is totally Tony's favorite.
Although Duck-Steve would be even more awesome if he was Duck-Captain-America. There has to be a way to make a little shield that Duck-Steve can wield. Tony was going to have to build him one. And then he could build Duck-Natasha some guns. Maybe mount them on a harness she could wear. Fuck it, Tony was going to have to rename them because he and Thor and Bruce deserved to have ducks named after them. Tony could make a little duck hammer and a duck-sized suit of armor. He'd have to talk to Bruce about the whole gamma radiation thing, but he could probably arrange some kind of "accident" for the future Bruce-duck.
Duckeye was not going to get anything though, because his owner-slash-dad was a lousy father who left his children unsupervised in the pool.
"You do realize you just said that out loud, don't you?"
Shit, when did Clint get there? He was leaning against the door and looking way too amused for someone whose children could have died a terrible, watery death.
"You called me, remember? And they're ducks. I'm pretty sure they know how to swim."
"Huh. I did, didn't I? Well, I don't need you anymore. Go away. I'm thinking."
"I thought you wanted me to get my ducks?"
"I changed my mind. Get lost. We're working."
"Yeah...I'm not leaving you with them so you can douse them in radiation--"
"One duck! Just one! Not all of them. I only need--"
"Yeah, no. Come on, kids. Let's go get some lunch." He snaps twice and looks flabbergasted when the ducks ignore him. "Seriously? You guys always come when Phil snaps. Come on."
He snaps again and a few ducks glance over. One of them sullenly jumps out of the pool and waddles over to Clint.
"See? They want to stay. I'm going to turn them into an elite crime fighting team. Now go away. I have to think."
Clint glares at him. "Fine. You win this round. But I will be back." He grabs the lone duck that came to him--Duckeye, Tony thinks, if his loud squawking is any indication--and points at the ducks still swimming. "And you're all grounded. Just wait until I get your mom. He's going to punish you so badly, you're going to wish you were still in your eggs."
He turns and heads back inside, slamming the door behind him.
Tony shrugs and turns back to his soon-to-be super team of ducks. He'll need to study how they move if he's going to make them effective costumes.