“I’m so sorry for you loss” I heard someone say to the man sitting next to me, the man who held my hand so tightly that I no longer had any feeling in I and yet I couldn’t let go because I knew that he needed me.
“If you need anything just let us know” Another faceless person said as they patted Adam on the shoulder before walking away.
“I know you’re going to miss him but always remember the good times. I’m only a phone call away if you need me” Yet another expressed his concern for Adam, none of them acknowledging me as anything more than just Adam Lambert’s best friend as I sat quietly beside him still holding his hand. They didn’t know about the pain churning within my heart. They didn’t know about the tears that I had to constantly blink back at the realization that the man that I had loved was gone. They didn’t know because it was a huge secret, a secret that had been kept tightly under wraps for the previous year and a half, a secret that I felt was sucking the very life from me as I continued to sit there.
“I’m glad that you have Kris here for you” I heard someone else say as I forced my eyes away from the wooden casket sitting in front of us, trying not to cry yet again because everyone knew that I would be there for Adam, but I knew that no one would be there for me.
Adam was inconsolable after that as they lowered the man who had been the largest part of his life for the previous six years into the ground. I felt the same as well, but I played the part I was expected to play and held him together as our friends and family watched over us. I never left his side the entire afternoon when the fact of the matter was that I needed a moment to myself so badly that I could hardly breathe
I was exhausted, my shirt wet from his tears as we sat in the limo in silence after the funeral. I could hardly keep my eyes open as I held him close, my mind wandering to a happier time when Tommy Joe Ratliff was alive and intermingled within both of our lives. It wasn't love at first sight when it came to Tommy and I but slowly but surely it grew into one of the most important relationships in my life. I felt as if a huge part of my heart had been incinerated and in its place there was nothing but mind numbing pain, loneliness and soul suffering fear. I had no idea how I was going to continue to survive with Tommy gone but as concerned as I was about myself; I was more concerned about Adam because other than his acting career Tommy had been such a huge part of his life for such a long time and I wasn’t sure how he was going to survive without him.
"This feels like some horrible nightmare" I heard Adam whimper, his face hidden in my neck. "He can't be gone...he just can't" I said nothing because I knew he wasn't expecting a response and the fact of the matter was I felt the exact same way.
Adam was practically dead weight as we stumbled into the house he and Tommy had shared together. "Are you hungry?" I questioned him once I was able to maneuver him onto the couch in the living room. A small bit of relief washed over me as he nodded no but it was short lived as he leaned forward and hid his face within his hands. His cries of pain broke my heart even more as I fell to my knees in front of him and held him as tightly as I could. The rest of the afternoon became somewhat of a blur as I tended to his needs while also playing host to the gathering of family and friends that showed up shortly after the funeral to pay their respects.
I felt like a zombie several hours later after ushering the last person out of the house. I had placed Adam in bed an hour earlier, the exhaustion so readable on his face as he continued to sit on the couch while everything went on around him. He looked so lost and confused whenever anyone tried to speak to him and I knew if I didn’t remove him soon that a total meltdown was imminent. He didn’t put up any fuss as I helped him off of the couch and towards the bedroom that he had shared with Tommy. I heard his breath catch in his throat as we entered the room that held so many memories for the both of us and yet I continued to hold my own reaction in check. I held him close because I knew he needed me to be strong for him, despite the fact that I felt anything but. I held him until we both became unsteady on our feet and then I undressed him and helped him climb into their king sized bed. “I just need to be alone” I heard him whisper as he grabbed the pillow that Tommy usually slept on and hid his face within the colorful softness. The picture I saw before me alone was heart wrenching, but the words felt ten times worse as I pulled in a suffering breath and did as he asked.
I didn’t know what to do with myself as I walked through the empty house, my mind wandering to the happier times that had been shared not only between Adam and myself, but Tommy as well. Tears coursed down my face as I finally allowed the pain I had been holding back all day to consume me. I didn’t even have the energy to hold myself upright as I slid to the floor and allowed the tears to fall even harder, faster. I had loved Tommy for a long time, loved him in a way that I never would have imagined I could have loved another and the fact that he was no longer going to be in my life turned me near hysterical. I hated that there was no one there to keep me together as I had kept Adam together all day. I hated that there was a shared secret between Tommy and I that I could never tell anyone about and that it was because of that secret that I felt as if half of my soul had been laid to rest in the coffin beside him.
The rest of the week was just the same as I tended to Adam’s every need, my own needs going unmet because I truly had no one that I could talk about them to. I was exhausted both mentally and physically but I kept all of it to myself because I knew that Adam needed me and it was my duty as his best friend to be there for him despite my own pain. It was a duty that Adam abused and stepped on constantly in the weeks that followed Tommy’s death, but I held strong and continued to take care of the man who I loved in so many different ways and had from the first moment I had met him. The second week was extremely emotional for me as I continued to be at his beck and call, but that week was even harder for me because not only did I have to deal with the emotional and almost inconsolable Adam Lambert who was my best friend and brother, but I also had to deal with the bitch diva side of him when I had to force him back to work as we attempted to get our lives back on track. It was a side that I rarely had to deal with, but it was one that I became quite familiar with as I pushed my own career aside to ensure that he still had his.
Adam was one of the most sought after actors in Hollywood with a top rated television show and several big screen pictures under his belt as well. He had been on set the morning that Tommy fell ill and ended up in the hospital, leaving the set without even telling a soul when I called him with the news. The powers that be had been understanding when I called his assistant later that evening and asked her to explain to them what was going on, however after the third week of production being held up their patience had waned. I thought that it would be good for Adam to get back to some normalcy in his life but when I mentioned it to him he called me a heartless and uncaring bitch before he literally kicked me out of his house and changed the key codes to the security gate. Of course it only lasted a day before he called me back into his home and broke apart for what felt like the hundredth time since the funeral. I was finally able to get him back on set, agreeing to go with him as a form of emotional support, yet all I got was constant bitching, yelling and complaining until I was sure I was going to lose my mind.
I felt emotionally drained, not only by the loss of Tommy but also by the loss of the friendship and the love that I had shared with Adam as well. The man Adam had become since Tommy’s death was not the man who at one time I worshipped and adored unlike any other person in my life. The man I knew could sense when I was hurting, when I was lonely, when I needed to be held and was there for me without having to say a word. That same man would do anything in his power to make me happy once again, even if it was at his own expense. That man knew how to hold me, kiss me, and make love to me while his partner of six years did the same, but now it seemed that man was gone. With Tommy gone Adam refused to kiss me, refused to make love to me, but worst of all he refused to even touch me. The pattern was if I held him it was ok, but the moment I tried to initiate any comfort from him for myself he’d push me away and pretend like I didn’t exist. I felt as if I had lost both the men who meant the world to me and the horrible and sad part of it was that one of them was still living and breathing the same air as I was.
“I need that jingle by the end of the week Kris” I heard my boss say as I laid on Adam’s couch, my eyes closed and my phone pressed to my ear one night while Adam was taking a shower. “I know you’ve been through a lot with the death of your friend but the client is losing patience and we can’t afford to lose this account”
“I know and thank you for being so understanding” I replied tiredly, closing my eyes at the ache in my head. “I’ll have it to you by the end of the week” We exchanged a few more words before the call ended, my head ache seeming to worsen with every breath. I had no idea what I was going to do about the jingle I had promised to deliver, but I hoped that I somehow found inspiration before the end of the week so I could deliver it to my boss like I had promised. I hadn’t moved to Los Angeles from Arkansas to be a jingle writer, but after several years at trying my hand at music, even a small stint on the televisions show American Idol before I got eliminated and nothing coming out of it, I took what I could find. It wasn’t the best job in the world and truly wasn’t what I wanted to be doing at that time in my life, but it paid extremely well and I could pretty much work from anywhere, which came in handy being Adam’s best friend and then eventual lover.
“What’s wrong with you?” I heard Adam question as I opened my eyes and found him standing in front of the couch looking annoyed as usual.
“Headache” I replied, closing my eyes once again because I really didn’t want to deal with him at that moment in time.
“I’m out of juice” He kept on going as if he hadn’t heard what I said and as I took a deep breath and thought about it, he probably hadn’t. He’d been living in his own little world since Tommy’s death and it was apparent that I was not to be a part of it.
“Drink water” I told him, forcing myself to sit up before climbing off of the couch altogether. I felt like a man of eighty as I practically dragged myself towards the guest room I had been staying in, wishing against hope that Adam would try and comfort me because it had been so long and I was in desperate need of love and affection from him.
“I don’t want water I want juice” He yelled after me, causing my entire body to flinch because there was so much anger behind it.
“I don’t know what you want me to do about it” I turned to face him, my own anger starting to grow due to his selfishness.
“Don’t be stupid Kristopher. Go to the grocery store and pick some up for me” He shot back in annoyance and a roll of his eyes. The words and the gesture nearly broke me as tears stung at my eyes because he was treating me more as his servant then the man he had claimed to love in what felt like another time and place.
“Adam…I’ve been patient and I’ve waited for you to come to me” I said instead of replying to his lack of juice concern. “You haven’t been the only one devastated by the loss of Tommy. I’ve been there for you and now I need you to be there for me” The words came out in a whisper so full of pain and loneliness that it almost brought me to my knees.
“What…” He shook his head back and forth with a look of panic in his eyes. “I don’t know what you want from me”
“I want you back in my life. I want you to hold me and tell me that you love me…that you’re going to be there for me like I’ve been there for you since Tommy’s death. I want the relationship that means everything to me back” I sounded desperate and sad but I couldn’t find the energy to care because I could tell by the look on his face that I was not going to get what I was asking for, what I needed from him.
“We were never in a relationship Kristopher” He shot back so quickly and with so much hatred in his voice that it felt as if he had punched me in the stomach. I felt the air leave my lungs, my eyes growing huge and wet at the words that kept echoing over and over in my mind. Images of the previous year and a half when Tommy was still alive and we were all so happy and in love invaded my brain. Tears of pain and betrayal blazed down my face as I forced them away and looked directly into Adam’s eyes regretting the action immediately at what I saw staring back at me.
“If we weren’t in a relationship then what would you call it then?” I asked, but the truth was I didn’t want to hear what he was going to say because I knew it was going to decimate my heart.
“You were just a side thing…something that Tommy and I allowed to join us in bed from time to time” He replied snidely.
“I pretty much slept in the same bed between the two of you every night for the last year and a half” I reminded, biting back a sob because I knew once they started there was going to be no stopping them. “My clothes hang in the same closet as Tommy’s and yours. I have my own drawer. My stuff is all over this house because I’ve been practically living here since we started all this”
“Well…all this is over now. You were just a play thing for us and now that Tommy’s gone there’s no need to pretend it was anything more than just sex” His words were ice cold and they permeated my heart in a way that literally sucked all the breath from my body.
I literally could not move as I tried to process between the sweet and loving Adam that Tommy and I had loved to the one who stood before me. They couldn’t have been more different despite the fact that they were the same man and as expected my heart decimated into nothingness as he continued to look at me with such ill regard in his eyes. I don’t know how long I stood there but it was long enough that Adam became visibly uncomfortable and left me alone in the living room while I tried to remember how to breathe. I didn’t even remember leaving the house as I found myself standing in front of my ex-boyfriends door step fighting my very soul to keep it together.
“Kris…” He spoke my name hesitantly once he opened the door, his eye growing large and confused as he looked down at me. I couldn’t even imagine what I looked like, but I figured it had to be pretty bad at the look of shock that crossed his face after that. “Oh my god Kris…what’s wrong?” He asked with such loving concern that the façade of keeping it together completely vanished as my body went limp and I fell into his waiting arms. I had never cried as much as I did that night, sobbing so hard and so heavily that I continually found myself struggling to breathe. I clutched and clung to Matt as if he were the only thing that could save me and he being the amazing and patient man that he was just held me because no matter what he always knew what I needed. My body and my mind were so exhausted that I lost traces of time, having no idea how long had passed since I’d left Adam and I found that I really didn’t car as Matt’s voice constantly whispered in my ear words that I couldn’t really hear but began to sooth me just the same. Afterwards when I was too spent to do much but lie there and breathe, he began to sing softly to me until I fell into a dark and restless sleep.
When I finally woke up the room was dark and I knew I was alone and for some reason it frightened me more than I could every explain. “Matt...” I cried out, my body still exhausted that I hardly had the strength to sit up. “Matt…” I cried out again, grabbing for him the moment he entered the room and climbed up on the bed beside me. “Please don’t leave me” I rushed out, the front of his shirt curled tightly within my hands as tremors of fear inhabited my body. I felt weak and foolish, but I truly didn’t care because I knew that Matt would never judge me and as painful as it was going to be for him once I told him my story, I knew he would still be there for me once I had.
“Do you want to tell me about it?” I heard him ask several hours later as I continued to lie in his arms.
“Tommy’s gone” I murmured against his shoulder, my body numb and too exhausted cry any more.
“I heard. I’m sorry. I know you were close to him because of Adam” I didn’t miss the way he said Adam’s name with more emphasis then Tommy’s but I ignored it because I already knew that Matt hated Adam with an all fired passion. Guilt quickly began to consume me because it was of my long drawn love for Adam that I had to eventually end our two year relationship. I had been up front with Matt from the very beginning, but he was determined that he would make me fall in love with him and forget all about Adam. I had fallen in love with Matt because he really was an amazing man, but the problem was that my love for Adam never went away. In fact when he started dating Tommy for some odd reason it grew even more.
“I loved him and he’s gone” I continued to prattle on, knowing that I wasn’t making any sense but my brain didn’t seem to be able to function properly.
He was quiet for a long moment as he tried to come to terms with what I had just said, almost hitting the nail completely on the head when he finally did speak again. “Are you trying to tell me that you had an affair with Tommy?”
“You had an affair with Adam?” He asked and I could hear the confusion in his voice and the pain.
“With Tommy and Adam?” He questioned softly as he started to put everything together. “Are you telling me that you were in a relationship with Tommy and Adam?”
“No…” I sobbed, the tears that I didn’t think I could produce anymore flowing down my cheeks once again. “Tommy told me he loved me…Adam loved me…but Adam says no relationship” I rambled on, feeling as if my brain was shutting down because I knew what I wanted to say and yet I just wasn’t able to phrase it properly enough to make sense.
“Get some sleep Kris and when you wake up we can talk about this” I didn’t even try to fight him as I closed my eyes and once again lost myself in bitter sweet dreams about the two men who had broken my heart.
I met Adam after my failed attempt at college life. I knew that it wasn’t something that I wanted to do, but I had allowed my family to convince me that it was what I needed to do. I hardly made it into my second semester before I decided that I couldn’t follow what they expected of me, so I packed up all of my stuff, said goodbye to my family and moved to California.
Life in California was hard at the beginning because it was so different from what I was used to in Arkansas. I was scared out of my mind at first, but I eventually found myself after I found a job, made some friends and was introduced to the gay nightlight. The nightlife was unlike anything I’d ever seen or experienced before and I fell into it head long. For the first several years I played the field, tried just about every drug known to man and fucked my way through so many men that even today I have no idea how many. I was young and having the time of my life. I met Adam at some random club one night and like any other night we dabbled with some drinking, dancing and drugs before heading off into the back room where he proceeded to fuck me until I couldn’t see straight. Between the fucking and the drugs I was pretty much clueless on how I was going to get home, but Adam being a better man then most of the jerks I’d fucked with was kind enough to find out where I lived and take me. He wasn’t there when I woke up with the hangover from hell the next morning but for the first time since I had started slutting it around I found myself interested in someone for more than sex and hoped that we would run into each other again.
It was nearly six months before I saw him again, our meeting in a place far from the grungy back room of a club. I had been living in California for over two years and as much as I tried to get my music out there nothing was working. I played club after club, starred in showcase after showcase and yet I hadn’t even had a nibble from anyone in the music industry. My parents were constantly on me about giving up my dream and going back home to Arkansas. The problem was that I didn’t consider Arkansas home anymore and the idea of going back there actually terrified me. I fell into the jingle game by accident when one of my friends had a small get together at his house one weekend. One of his other guests was playing with a guitar in the kitchen when I got there and being the music fanatic I was I couldn’t help but join him. We talked for a little while, ending up fucking in the spare bedroom before he told me what he did for a living. He asked my opinion on something he was working on and several hours later we had revamped his work into an amazing jingle for men’s deodorant. He gave me the number to the ad agency he worked for before he left and the rest just sort of fell into place. I called the number, impressed the bosses and was hired within days.
I liked working at the agency, loved the money I made from it even more, but as much as I loved it I missed my music so much. With the hours I was putting in at the office and my time playing in the dance clubs there just didn’t seem to be time for it anymore. I had asked the bosses if I could try my hand at singing some of the jingles I wrote, but time and time again I was told to leave it to the professionals. I gave up after a while but fate decided to take pity on me when one day one of the singers came down with a horrible case of laryngitis and the bosses were desperate to find someone to replace him. They were frantic as they tried to call singer after singer, all phoning going to halt when I marched into their office and began to sing at if my life depended on it. I hadn’t even had a chance to finish the song before I was being shuffled into the studio and the rest is history. I’ve been at the agency for nearly ten years now as one of their top jingle writers and jingle performers. I actually ran into Adam in the studio one day. He had been called in by one of his friends who worked there to sing one of the songs I had written and our amazing friendship started from there.
It was never anything sexual, no matter how much I wanted it to be. Adam actually claimed to not remember our night of sexual passion, but I remembered it well and used the images in my head nightly to get off. I had always known there as something special about Adam and the more I got to know him the more I found myself falling in love with him. I tried to tell him constantly how my feelings for him had developed but he always played it off like it was a joke and it killed me a little more each and every time that it happened. We still hung out from time to time, meeting up at the clubs and having fun, but Adam seemed to be more of a serial dater, while I continued to fuck my way through all the pretty boy because I couldn’t have the man that I had fallen in love with. I hated each and everyone one of the men that he dated and I didn’t even try to hide it, but Adam didn’t seem to care as he constantly praised me for my ability to stay unattached while he was constantly looking for love. I wanted to tell him that there was someone head over heels in love with him right in front of him but I didn’t even bother because I knew he’d play it off and there was no way my heart could take it.
My relationship with Matt started shortly thereafter and for two years he was enough to keep me distracted about my love for Adam, but then Tommy Joe Ratliff came into the picture and everything changed in an instant. My relationship with Matt came to a sudden and painful end when my jealously over Tommy forced us apart. Matt knew that I would never love him the way that I loved Adam, but thankfully he had a kind enough heart to want to still be my friend after our relationship crashed and burned.
Tommy was the writer and director of a horror movie that Adam had auditioned for and although he hadn’t gotten the part, he found love instead. They were inseparable from the moment they met and I hated Tommy so much for that. Truthfully, he really was an amazingly nice guy but he had the one person that I wanted, the one person that I loved and I couldn’t help the hate that consumed me or the jealously that plagued me each time I saw them together. I tried to be Tommy’s friend for Adam’s sake at the beginning, but it was too painful and I constantly found myself saying mean and horrible things to him. Adam pretended like he didn’t know what was wrong with me and constantly took Tommy’s side when my anger got a little too out of control. Our friendship began to crack little by little after that until I woke up one day and realized that as much as I didn’t want to believe it there was nothing left to save.
I hadn’t spoken to Adam in months when I found Tommy on my door step one night after work. I was ugly and mean to him, threatening to have him arrested if he didn’t leave, but he ignored my ranting and stormed into my apartment regardless of my threats. I didn’t get a chance to do or say anything else as he grabbed me by the shoulders, slammed me heavily into the wall behind me before kissing me dark and dirty. I admit I gave into the kiss for a few moments because it really was one hell of a hot kiss, but then I got my wits about me and pushed him away. “What the fuck?” I cried out, wiping at my saliva coated lips.
“I can’t deal with this anymore” He cried out with so much anger in his voice that it actually shocked me because in all the times I had been mean towards him he had never raised his voice back to me once. “You’re in love with him…he’s in love with you and it’s killing both of you that you’re not speaking to each other anymore”
“What?” Was the only word I could form as I slumped down the wall until I was sitting on the floor, too shocked to keep myself upright.
“I’m not stupid Kris” He continued to rant, pacing in front of me so fast that it was making me dizzy. “You both seem to think that I’m blind and stupid but I see everything and as much as I hate the idea that he loves you as much as he loves me…there is no denying that he does”
“What?” Was the only word I could say again as I watched Tommy taking a huge breath into his lungs before plopping down Indian style on the floor in front of me.
“He miserable without you and your miserable without him” He began, seeming to calm down as he took another breath. “Kris…can you honestly look me in the eyes and tell me that you are not in love with him?” I opened my mouth several times but nothing came out. “You don’t have to say anything because the way that you look at each other speaks volumes. I don’t know why the two of you never became a couple, but I guess it was lucky for me or I wouldn’t have met that man of my dreams, but as much as he loves me he loves you too. Fucking hell…say something” He cried out reaching over and grabbing my arms, shaking me so hard that my head vibrated against the wall.
“Are you high?” I asked because I knew that he and Adam liked to dabble with recreational drugs from time to time.
“NO…I’m not fucking high you idiot” He countered back, taking yet another deep breath before speaking again. “Look…this is not easy for me but Adam has been a fucking bear since the two of you stopped talking and I can’t take it anymore. I’m here to offer you and proposition”
“No…” I replied before he could finish, pulling myself off of the floor and walking away from him because as much as I wanted what I was sure he was about to offer, I sure as hell didn’t want Tommy in the picture.
“Ok…let me rephrase that” He hollered after me, grabbing onto my arm and forcing me to turn around before I could lock myself in my bedroom. “You will come with me to my place tonight and you will fuck Adam and me. You hate me…I get that but I don’t care. You’re cute as hell and I see why Adam loves you and I know you think that I hate you but I really don’t. He’s conflicted and confused about what he feels about you because he’s with me so we will just take the next step and…”
“And what?” I roared, jerking my arm out of his grasp. “You take me over to your place…we fuck and then what?”
“I don’t know Kris…we work on it” He shrugged, looking conflicted and confused himself.
“I don’t hate you Tommy” I said, reaching out and tracing his cheek with my fingertips. “I’m in love with Adam and I’m jealous as fuck that he chose you over me…but the fact of the matter is that he did choose you over me. He loves you and as much as you think he’s in love with me…well you couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m his friend and I’m ever only going to be his friend. I’m sorry that our not speaking to each other is affecting your relationship but bringing me into your bed is not the answer. I’ll talk to Adam and work on our friendship, but I’m going to pretend that this conversation between us never occurred. I’ll talk to him tomorrow” I didn’t allow him to say anything else as I leaned forward and kissed him, pushing him backwards until he was standing in the hallway of my apartment complex. “Everything will be ok…I promise” I assured with a smile, closing the door behind me. I waited there for several seconds to see if he would start pounding on my door and when he didn’t I closed my eyes and allowed the disappointment to wash over me because as much as I complained to Tommy that I didn’t want to join them in their bed, if he meant being closer to Adam I really did.
I called Adam the next day and we talked for several hours. I wasn’t sure if Tommy had said anything to him about our conversation, but by the way he was acting I didn’t think he had. He had invited me over to Tommy’s house for dinner later that evening, but I declined stating that I had other plans but the truth of the matter was I had no idea how I was going to react when I saw a Tommy again. Of course Adam refused to take no for an answer and begged and pleaded with me until I finally agreed because even he knew that when it came to his needs I would never deny him anything.
Tommy acted as if nothing had transpired between us the night before and I was thankful for that, what I wasn’t thankful for was the way that he kept touching me, praising me, leering at me. It was nerve wracking as hell and it seemed confusing to Adam by the way he kept looking between us, but I just ignored it and tried to enjoy me meal. I begged off staying for dessert because the way that Tommy was looking at me I had a feeling that I was going to be the after dinner treat if I hadn’t left. As expected Adam whined and refused to let me go and before I knew it I was sitting between the two of them as we watched one of Tommy’s earlier horror films.
I was a cringing mess as the movie played out before us, wishing I was anywhere but there because I hated horror movies with a passion and with each cringe Tommy moved in even closer. Before long I was plastered between the two of them, Adam grinning at me because he knew how much I hated those types of movies, while Tommy looked at me like he wanted to devour me. “Scared baby?” Adam asked, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me into his body, Tommy sliding over until he was pressed hard against mine.
“Poor baby Krissy…” I heard Tommy whisper against my ear, Adam and I both looking at him like he had lost his mind when he nipped at my neck. “Adam…maybe you and I can do something to take Krissy’s mind off of the man eating zombies” He moved in even closer, his face right in front of mine as Adam leaned in and gave him a quick kiss.
“Yeah?” He seemed to be asking as he stared into Tommy’s eyes.
“Yeah…” Tommy replied with a smile before turning his head and kissing me unsuspectingly. It was over rather quickly but not by either of us as Adam grabbed onto the back of my head and jerked me towards him until he had covered my lips with his own. I was too stunned to do much of anything at first but once my brain and my dick realized I was getting what I had always wanted, my body developed a mind of its own and Tommy ended up on the floor. “There will be some ground rules” I heard Tommy speak loudly, grabbing my arm and jerking me onto the floor next to him, Adam nearly falling face first into the couch because of it. “This is a threesome so that means you have to fuck around with me as well as him…” He didn’t get another chance to speak and I grabbed him by both sides of the face and shoved my tongue down his throat.
“So fucking hot...” I heard Adam say behind me as he joined us on the floor, his hands roving over my hips and across my stomach before grabbing onto the belt loops of Tommy’s jeans and tugged him until he could kiss him next. I was panting for breath as my neck got knocked to the side but I wasn’t sure if it was from the kiss Tommy and I had just shared or just how fucking hot they looked as they kissed each other. “Shall we take this to the bedroom?” He asked, but neither Tommy nor I had a chance to say anything as he grabbed both of our hands and led the way. I couldn’t believe that Adam was into what we were about to do, but as he and Tommy quickly removed my clothes and I found Adam on his knees in front of me that idea quickly flew out of my head. It wasn’t my first threesome by any means, but it was amazing and special because I was able to be intimate with the man I had been in love with for so long, and yet at the same time it changed my feelings for Tommy in ways that I couldn’t explain at that time.
Adam seemed completely focused on me despite Tommy’s earlier declaration that we had to focus on all three of us and as much as I tried to remember to reach out and touch him, kiss him, it all disappeared in a second when Adam entered me. The last thing I remembered before he fucked me unconscious was watching Tommy as he sat alone at the end of the bed with a conflicted look upon his face. When I woke up I was alone in their bed, but the sounds of yelling coming from the bathroom alerted me to the fact that I wasn’t and that we had fucked up royally. I could hardly move from the fucking Adam had shared with me, but I forced myself out of bed as I searched desperately for my missing clothing. “Looking for these?” I heard Tommy ask as I turned around and found him standing by the bathroom door with my clothes in his hand. “I know you weren’t just planning to run out of here like this was one of your one night stands” He actually seemed angry and I found myself speechless as I watched Adam walk out of the bathroom with a look I could not quite explain on his face.
“This was a mistake. It never should have happened” I cried out, rushing forward and trying for my clothes, only to have Tommy throw them in the bathroom behind him before I could reach them.
“Do you regret what happened between us last night?” He asked, staring at me in a way that was making me even more uncomfortable.
“I regret coming between you and Adam” I tried to explain, just wishing that I was anywhere else but there.
“Who said you came between Adam and I?” Tommy asked and he looked genuinely confused.
“I heard you arguing in the bathroom” I yelled, gesturing towards the bathroom as if it hadn’t just happened a few minutes before hand.
“We weren’t arguing because you came between the two of us, we were arguing because Adam feels responsible for what happened and thinks that we may have crossed a line” Tommy explained with a shrug, looking far too calm for my taste because I felt as if I was about to lose it.
“It’s a valid reason” I countered, looking at Adam but he still wasn’t looking at me.
“Look…I admit that the way this was handled was kind of fucked up” Tommy said.
“Understatement of the year” I shot back.
“No shit…” Adam finally spoke up.
“BUT…” He yelled to get our attention before reaching out and taking Adam’s hand, walking the two of them over to me before he took mine as well. “The fact of the matter is that this should have happened long ago” Adam nor myself said anything as he gestured towards the bed, the two of us climbing on it without question. “Did I get my feelings hurt a little bit when I was pushed aside by my partner so he could fuck the man he’s in love with?” He questioned as I recalled the look on his face as Adam had fucked me. “Yes…” He went on when neither of us said anything. “However, it was something that needed to be done”
“Tommy…I love you” Adam rushed out in alarm, clutching the hand he still held to his lips before kissing it.
“I know you do moron” Tommy replied with a smile on his face as if he were talking about the weather and not the fact that his lover, his partner had fucked his best friend right there is front of him. “I love you too you know” He leaned forward and kissed Adam sweetly on the lips before he pulled himself back looking between the two of us. “But I also know that you’re in love with Kris and have been for a very long time”
“No…you’re wrong. Adam only loves me as a friend” I defended Adam, trying to remove my hand from where Tommy was still holding it, but the man was stronger than I ever gave him credit for.
“Tell him…” Tommy spoke to Adam, taking the hand he held and placing it on top of mine. “Tell him…”
“He’s not lying” Adam replied, shocking me so hard that I nearly fell off of the bed. Instead, once I got my balance I jumped off of the bed, ran into the bathroom, got dressed and then stormed out of the bedroom despite both their attempts to stop me.
I was livid as I drove down the busy streets of L.A., so livid as I recalled all the years I had tried to declare my love to Adam, only to have him discard it like some joke. Tears rained down my cheeks as the anger turned into pain and then into confusion. I drove for hours, until I was nearly out of gas before I headed back home. I cried even more later that night as I lay in my own bed, my phone ringing constantly but I wanted nothing to do with either one of the people trying to reach me. The next morning I attempted to go to work, but after a couple of hours of just staring at my computer screen I begged off being sick and left for the day. I didn’t know where I was going at first but the realization kicked in rather quickly as I pulled up into Tommy’s driveway. “Oh my god I was so fucking worried about you after you left last night” I heard Tommy cry out as I looked up and found him running down the driveway towards me. “Adam and I tried to call you all night but you never answered your phone you shit” He continued to rant, jerking the car door open and nearly choking me with my seatbelt when he tried to jerk me out of the car as well. “We need to talk” He said trying to act calm but I could see that he was on edge as I nodded in reply and climbed out of the car. I wondered where Adam was as I followed him inside the house, hoping and praying that he wasn’t there because I really needed to talk to Tommy alone.
“He’s at the studio” He said as if reading my mind as he led us into the kitchen and gestured for me to sit at a long kitchen table. No words were spoken as he began to fidget with a coffee maker, finally breaking the silence when he placed a cup in front of me. “You look like you could use this or maybe a little of his” I watched as he splashed a little bit of whiskey in my coffee cup as well.
“I’m angry” I blurted out, taking a few sips of my coffee to try and calm my nerves.
“I’d be worried if you weren’t”
“You love him”
“Very much so”
“And you know that he’s in…” I couldn’t even finish my sentence because I still couldn’t believe it.
“In love with you” He finished for me. “Yes…I’ve known for a while now”
“This doesn’t make sense” I sighed, even more confused.
“Kris…it makes perfect sense if you think about it because the fact of the matter is that he loves us both…so why not give him the best of both worlds” He replied with a shrug, looking as calm as he had the night before.
“Because that’s not how relationships work” I yelled, forgoing the coffee and taking a direct hit from the whiskey bottle, not caring in the least that it was hardly eleven in the morning.
“Who says…society?” He yelled back grabbing the bottle and doing the same as I had. “We are gay men and there is no law stating that we have to follow all the heterosexual rules. I love Adam…you love Adam…end of story”
“I don’t love you Tommy and you sure as hell don’t love me” I reminded him, watching his face as emotion after emotion played across it.
“No…you and I don’t love each other but that doesn’t mean that this can’t work. Relationships take work” He shrugged. “So you and I will have to work at it for a bit but honestly Kris I don’t hate you as much as you think that I do. I think you are a pretty amazing guy and not too bad on the eyes ether” He winked at me. “I know that I seem to be all in control and understanding but there is a huge part of me that thinks this could be a mistake and another part of me that thinks that it could be the greatest thing that any of us do”
“I agree…” I heard another speak behind me as I glared across the table.
“I lied…” Tommy shrugged yet again as Adam took a seat between us.
“I know that I should have told you how I felt a long time ago” Adam said, reaching out and taking my hand.
“Then why didn’t you?” I asked, tears threatening to fall all over again because no matter how I looked at it from any angle it still hurt like hell that he had kept it from me.
“You’re friendship means everything to me and that was more important than trying to see if we would survive a relationship. I know it sounds stupid and silly but I just wasn’t willing to take that chance because I knew if it didn’t work that our friendship wouldn’t survive”
“So now that you have someone to fall back on you are willing to take that risk?” I accused, pushing myself away from the table so fast that the chair fell over as I got up. “Thanks…but no thanks” I replied snidely over my shoulder as I headed for the door.
“You were right he’s fucking stubborn as hell” I heard Tommy say as I turned around and found them both standing behind me.
“It’s not about being stubborn it’s about protecting myself when Adam realizes that this was a mistake and leaves me in the cold while he falls back into your arms” I screamed, trying not to laugh hysterically at just how stupid the whole situation was because no matter if we tried this relationship or not my heart was already fully involved.
“You think that we haven’t talked about that” Tommy spoke up. “Yes…we’ve talked about this long before I decided to do anything about it. Adam didn’t know that I came to your house that night. I only told him after you left last night but we’ve talked about trying this with you before. We don’t have all the details worked out yet but we will. Kris…you said before that I wasn’t in love with you but you have to know that my feelings for you have already changed. It may not be love yet but I can totally see it heading that way fairly quickly and even though you don’t…” I kissed him before he could finish his sentence because my feelings had already changed, but I wasn’t willing to talk about that just yet.
Right there in that very moment was when everything changed between the three of us. It wasn’t perfect at first. In fact there was many a time that it felt too hard, too weird and I would tell them I couldn’t be part of whatever we were anymore. A day or two would pass before I would find myself back in their bed, back in their arms and day by day it started to become easier. I still had my apartment and I used it whenever I needed a quiet place to gather my thoughts or they needed some alone time because the fact of the matter was that at the beginning they were still the main couple of the relationship and I was just along for the ride.
However, eventually the dynamic changed and it began to feel as if we were all three equals. My feelings for Tommy really began to change about that time and yet I still hadn’t expressed the fact that I had fallen in love with him to him or Adam for that matter. Six months into our relationship Tommy beat me to the punch and declared his love for me one night after making love. I was too stunned to say much of anything at first, searching Adam’s face for his feelings on what had been said, only to find love staring back at me. I quickly returned the sentiment, vowing the words were the god’s honest truth when neither of them seemed to believe me. We made love for hours afterwards and it was then that I truly felt that we were in it for real. I had never felt as loved and as happy in all my life and I thanked a higher power daily for Tommy having the guts to do what he had done to make it happen.
I didn’t think that anything could ever break our happy circle, but then Tommy ended up in the hospital and before we even had a chance to adjust to that he was gone.
“I’m so sorry Kris. I can’t even imagine how hard this has been for you” I heard Matt say after I had told him everything, breaking down in his arms once again because I still couldn’t believe that Tommy was gone. “So I take it that once Tommy was gone Adam told you there wasn’t a relationship between the two of you”
“He said that I was just a play thing that he and Tommy brought to their bed and now that he was gone it was over” I wailed, hating that it was Matt that I was laying all of my troubles on because I knew that despite our break up that he was still very much in love with him. “I’m sorry Matt…I shouldn’t have come here” I tried to push myself away but he held onto to me and refused to let go and as much as I hated that he was hurting I was so thankful that he was willing to be there for me when I needed him to be.
I stayed at Matt’s for several days until I had no choice but to go back to my own apartment and work on the jingle I had promised my boss. I was shocked as I sat in the middle of my living room as to how much it really wasn’t my home any longer. Most of my clothes and anything that I held sentimental were all at Adam and Tommy’s home, at what I quickly realized had become my home as well. I allowed myself to grieve for Tommy one last time before I pulled myself together and forced myself to focus on what I had to do. I was determined that I wasn’t going to allow Adam and our non-relationship to detour me from my task because as much as I was hurting I refused to disappoint the people I worked for.
“It’s good Kris, but between you and us it’s not one of your best” I heard my boss Anoop say the next morning after presenting my work.
“I know and I’m sorry” I responded deflated because I had been up all night working on it and despite how hard I tried to focus my mind kept wandering to my fucked up life.
“No…it’s usable” He waved me off as he sat behind his desk. “Are you ok?” He questioned and although I felt anything but ok I assured him that I was. “I don’t know if Megan told you but there’s been this tall, dark headed man calling and coming around the office looking for you for that last few days. “Several of us have tried to call you but we kept getting your voicemail”
“I lost my phone” I lied, knowing good and well that I had left it with Adam when I stormed out of the house.
“Well…he seems pretty determined to see you so you may want to call him back” He said as he handed me his card. I’ll admit that I was hoping like hell it was Adam, but as I looked down at the card and saw the name Cassidy Haley staring back at me, disappointment and pain filled me.
“He’s Tommy’s lawyer and Adam’s best friend” I explained when Anoop just sat back and watched me.
“You do know that if you ever needed anyone to talk to that I’m here right?” He shocked me with his question because as great as we got along at work, we had never really hung out much outside of it
“Yeah…thanks” I smiled at him as much as I could before getting up and heading for the door. “I’ll be ok. Tommy’s death was kind of a shock and it’s really knocked me on my ass” I explained without really explaining. “I promise I’ll pull myself back together again” I left the room before he could respond, cursing out loud when I rounded the corner to my own office and found Cassidy standing there.
“I’ve been trying to call you” He said in way of greeting, following me to my office when I ignored him. “Kris…we need to talk” He spoke in frustration as he walked in behind me and closed the door. “I’ve been trying to call you” He repeated, sitting down in a nearby chair, crossing his long legs as he looked at me.
“I lost my phone” I shrugged, not wanting to deal with Cassidy because I knew what he was there for.
“Lost or left it when you stormed out of the house after a fight with Adam” He shrugged as he leaned forward and placed my cell phone on my desk.
“What do you want Cassidy?” I asked, ignoring his remark because I was sure that Adam had told him some of what had happened between us, but not all of it because not even our closest friends knew about our affair.
“The reading of Tommy’s will” He shrugged again and it irked me that for a lawyer he always seemed like nothing affected him, not even the death of his best friend’s lover. “We’ve put it off long enough. It’s time. You and Adam have both been named as the executor and…”
“I don’t want anything from Tommy” I cut him off because I really didn’t want anything from Tommy but the memories of what we shared together.
“It doesn’t matter what you want…it only matters what Tommy wanted for the two of you” Cassidy replied coolly as he leaned back onto the chair as if we were talking about the weather and not the death of a mutual friend. “I don’t know if you know this but Tommy’s estate is worth quite a bit of money and then there is the production company and the house and…”
“I don’t want any of that” I cut him off once again, tears burning my eyes as a painful ache burned in my stomach at the loss once again.
“He told me that you would say that but again it doesn’t matter what you want” He replied with a look on his face that made me believe that he knew there was more to us than simple friendship. “I’ve set the reading for two tomorrow afternoon. You and Adam better be there without fail or I swear on all that is holy I will track you down and…” I watched as he lost his composer for a few second before pulling it back together again. “I’ll see you tomorrow” I said nothing as I watched him get up and leave my office without another word spoken.
I didn’t sleep at all that night as I lay in my bed recalling happier times with Tommy and Adam. I allowed myself to cry one final time because I was determined that after the reading that I was going to pull myself together and get over the loss of the man that I loved and the loss of the man who at one time claimed to love me. I had no idea what I was going to say to Adam or if he would even speak to me once we were together at the reading of the will and it completely unsettled me. It felt not only that I had lost Tommy, but that I had also lost my best friend, the one that should have been there by my side as we helped each other deal with our loss. I was still so angry over what Adam had said to me and so hurt that I felt that no matter how much I did try to pull myself together that I wouldn’t truly ever recover from it.
The next afternoon Adam said nothing to me as I sat on one side of that table at the lawyer’s office and he sat on the other. I felt as if we were dealing with a divorce then the reading of Tommy’s will as he sat there stone faced, refusing to even look at me. I pretended that it didn’t bother me as I listened to Cassidy drone on and on about who in Tommy’s family got what, my mouth nearly falling open when it came to Adam and I. I had always known that Tommy wasn’t hurting when it came to money, but I had no clue as to how much he was actually worth until that day. I knew that he owned his own production company and that it did quite well with the horror movies they seemed to constantly be producing, but what I didn’t know was that two of the characters that he had created had taken over the children’s market and had brought in loads of money for him. I tried to comprehend the idea that he had left half of everything to me, but I felt as if I was in some horrible nightmare as I closed my eyes and tried to remember how to breathe.
“Did you know about this?” I questioned Adam when Cassidy finished speaking and a heavy silence surrounded us.
“Yes…he told me he planned to split everything in half if something had ever happened to him” He finally spoke, looking dragged out and beaten as he finally looked across the table at me.
“Why?” I blurted out knowing in my heart that he had because he loved me and that relationship that we shared but wanting to hear Adam’s say it, because after what he had said to me I deserved to hear it.
“He wanted to take care of you because he loved you Kris” Was his annoyed reply. My heart broke in that instant as he turned his eyes away from me and refused to look at me again. I stared at him for a long time, the silence early deafening as I waited for him to say more and when he said nothing, I sort of just lost my mind.
“I don’t want it…any of it” I yelled towards Cassidy, my eyes still on Adam as I pushed myself away from the table. “Give it all to Adam…donate it to charity…keep it…I don’t fucking care” I rushed out as I stood up and made my way towards the door.
“You’re acting crazy” I heard Adam yell, jumping up from his own chair and grabbing onto my arm as I tried to walk past him. “This is what Tommy wanted for you. He wanted to make sure that you were happy and well taken care of”
“Fuck you Adam” I screamed as I jerked my arm out of his grip before reaching back and punching the shit out of him. “Do I look happy?” I yelled frantically as tears raced down my face. “The man that I loved is dead and the other man that I loved…who I thought loved me clearly doesn’t. None of this matters because it won’t bring him back and I can’t live with the constant reminders of what we once shared” I couldn’t say anything else as I ran from the room, hoping and praying that Adam would come running after me, crying even harder when he hadn’t.
I debated going back to Matt’s place to hide and lick my wounds after that, but I knew it wasn’t right or fair to him to do that and so I headed to my place. I called Anoop the moment I got home and told him that I needed to take an extend leave of absence and that I would understand it he wanted to let me go since I had no idea how long I would be gone. I told him that I just needed to get away to try and make sense of my life, but I already knew deep in my heart that I was going back home to Arkansas because I needed the love of my family more than anything else at that point in time. He cursed me a blue streak for leaving with such short notice before assuring me that I still had a job when I decided to come back. I honestly didn’t know if I was going to go back to that job though or even California for that matter, but I thanked him regardless and made the necessary plans for my trip back home.
I hadn’t been home in years and it felt amazing to be back among the folds of my family. The first week I was there I did nothing but sleep and hang around the house, spending time with them during the day and silently missing both Adam and Tommy during the night when I was alone in my old room. I ran into a couple of friends at one of my old high school hang outs one night and was able to reconnect with them. It was nice to just hang out, share a few beers and reminisce of a time when my life was so simple and drama free. I hadn’t bothered to charge my phone since I had gotten there, so I had no idea what was happening in California with Tommy’s estate or Adam for that matter and as the days passed I found that I really was starting not to care. I felt somewhat happy, felt as if my life was starting to move in a better direction and then that perfectly crafted façade crumbled to my feet with just one trip to the local mall with my mother.
I wasn’t really paying attention on the drive to the mall, my mother going on about some doll that she wanted to purchase for one of my cousin’s kids that was getting ready to celebrate a birthday. I really didn’t care about why we were going to the mall just that it was nice to actually get out of the house because truth be told I was starting to get a little claustrophobic. It was great spending time with my mother, the two of us laughing over some of my childhood antics after we were seated at a table for lunch before our shopping excursion. I could tell that she wanted to ask me more as our lunch came to a close and I paid the bill, but thankfully she didn’t and I couldn’t have been more grateful because I really had no idea how I was supposed to explain my situation to her. I wanted to tell her why I had practically run back home with my tail between my legs, but how do you tell the mother who had a hard enough time dealing with my coming out after I graduated high school that not only was I gay but that I was also in a three way relationship.
“I don’t know what Shelby sees in these dolls but she loves them” I heard my mother say as we walked into the toy shop, my whole world coming to a standstill as we stood in front of a doll display. I felt as if all the air left the room as the grotesque looking creatures stared back at me, memories of Tommy and his partner working on the prototypes for the toys for months on end before they were finished and how proud of them he was once they had been sent off for production bombarding me. I recalled how Adam and Tommy had teased me mercifully when he brought the actual prototypes home one night; because I hated the look of them. They were ghastly looking children and just the sight of them freaked me out. Tears burned behind my eye lids as I recalled the way they made love to me afterwards when they realized that my freak out was real and not just a game. “Kris…” I heard my mother cry out after me when I felt as if the walls were closing in on me. I didn’t heed her cries as I ran as if I hounds of hell were at my heels, the pain of my loss nearly choking the life from me. My lungs were on fire as I stumbled towards my rental car, falling to the ground beside the driver’s door as I continued to struggle to breathe. I felt as if everything was collapsing in on me as I hugged my knees into my chest and completely fell apart. I had no idea what was going on around me and in truth I didn’t care as my brain assaulted me with a whirlwind of beautifully painful emotions before my world went black.
“I have no idea what’s going on but I bet it has something to do with why he came back home” I woke to my mother’s worried voice, opening my eyes and finding myself in my own bedroom. “I’m just so thankful that Jim was there to help me get him home or I don’t know what we would have done” Jim was my mother’s cousin and it explained how I had ended up back in my bed home and not in some hospital and for that I was thankful that I had lots of family in Conway.
“He’ll tell us in his own time” I heard the equally worried, but always patient voice of my father speak next.
“Something wrong Neil. You didn’t see him. He took one look at those dolls, freaked out and ran like he had seen a ghost. I found him passed out by the car and…” I could hear the tears and the fear in her voice and it killed me to know I had put it there. “You don’t think that something bad happened to him in California? What if he was abused in some way or tortured or…maybe he’s sick”
“I’m not any of those things Mama” I replied quietly as I forced myself to sit up. I felt exhausted beyond belief, feeling even more so when I took in my parents worried stares. “I’m just broken hearted” I started to explain, taking a deep breath before starting again. “Tommy…my lover was the creator of those dolls. I just kind of panicked when I saw them because it’s just been recently that he passed away and I remembered all the time he spent working on them and just how much they meant to him”
“Oh Kristopher…” My mother cried out, sitting down on the bed beside me before she pulled me into her arms. “I’m so sorry…so sorry baby” I couldn’t say anything, couldn’t do anything but cry as she continued to hold me, it growing even worse when my father did the same. “Why didn’t you tell us?” She questioned much later after we were all able to compose ourselves.
I opened and closed my mouth several times because I really had no idea how to tell them what I needed to tell them. “I wasn’t sure how you were going to react once I told you” I began, closing my eyes at the confused and concerned looks I received from my parents.
“I don’t understand. Was there something wrong about your relationship that you felt you had to keep it from us?” My father asked, looking almost hurt that I had kept something from him, from them.
“No…it was an amazing relationship” I smiled briefly as I recalled happier times.
“Then why keep it from us?” He asked again.
“When I started dating Tommy he was already in a relationship with Adam”
“Adam…your best friend Adam?” My mother spoke up, the look of confusion present even more. “You broke up the relationship between them to be with Tommy” She surmised and I had to control the urge to laugh at just how wrong she was.
“Not exactly” Was my response as I played with the comforter covering my lap.
“I’m afraid I don’t understand” My mother said as she looked over at my father.
“I think that you better start from the beginning” I heard my father say and by the look on his face I was fairly certain he had already figured it out.
“You’ve all met Adam” I started to say because I had taken him home with me one summer that I had come back to visit and they had met him again when they came to California to visit me a few years later. “He’s wonderful and amazing and I’ve been in love with him for a long time” My mother looked even more confused and I could tell that she wanted to say something but she held her tongue as I took another deep breath and continued. “He never showed me anything but friendship so I had no idea that he was in love with me too” The tears started to fall because after everything that had happened I wasn’t so sure if those words were even true anymore. “Tommy came to me one night and told me that Adam was in love with me and that although he didn’t hold any real feelings for me that he felt that at some point he would and so he asked me to join their relationship”
“Oh Kristopher…” I heard my Mother gasp and I knew then that she had finally figured it out.
“I fought him at first but the truth of the matter was Mama that I was so head over heels in love with Adam that I had to see what could happen. It started out being all about Adam but after a while my feelings for Tommy changed and I found myself falling in love with him too. It was so hard at the beginning and I gave up a few times but I quickly realized that relationships are hard work…double that in my case but eventually it worked out and it was so amazing and wonderful. I’m sorry that I kept it from you for so long but I just had no idea how to tell my parents that I was in love with two men and in a relationship with them at the same time”
They both looked stunned as the silence settled around us. “Why isn’t Adam here with you then?” She asked the million dollar question and it caused me to fall apart in her arms once again. “The next time I see that boy I’m going to box his ears off” I heard her exclaim after I told them everything that had happened from losing Tommy to Adam breaking my heart with his hateful and hurtful words.
“He loves me of that I have no doubt” I smiled sadly, wiping the wetness from my face. “He’s just lost and scared after the loss of Tommy and instead of holding onto me through the grieving process he’s pushed me away. It hurts like hell you know but I do understand it” The truth was that I did understand it but that didn’t mean that it hurt any less or that maybe I was talking out of my ass because despite my assurance to my parents there was still a small part of me that really didn’t know what Adam felt.
“So what are you going to do because as much as we love you Kristopher you can’t hide from your problems forever” Clever advice from my father and yet they were words that frightened me because I really had no idea what the hell I was going to do.
“Do you have a picture of Tommy?” My mother questioned hesitantly and it made me smile that she was interested in a part of my life that she probably still didn’t understand.
“This was taken just a few weeks before he ended up in the hospital” I explained sadly as I grabbed my wallet from off of the dresser, handing her the only picture of the three of us I kept there.
“He’s not quite what I expected” She said with a smile as she looked at the picture. “Handsome but in an odd sort of way”
I had to laugh because as much as I loved Tommy he was quite odd to look at and with his love of everything and anything horror related he was completely the opposite of what I went for in a man. “Honestly…he wasn’t my type in the least but once you get past the hair dye and the make-up he’s really and amazing guy”
“Do you mind if I asked what happened to him?” She asked hesitantly and it made me tear up once again.
“We’re not really sure” I choked out because we really had no idea what the hell had happened. “I got a phone call from his assistant one morning telling me that he had been rushed to the hospital because he was having trouble breathing and he was already gone before I got there. The doctors said it was respiratory distress but they never really could explain it more than that and then Adam arrived and there wasn’t any time to ask any more questions because I needed to be there for him. I think that he knew something was going to happen to him though. Other than the fact that he added me to his will I don’t have any real proof but my guts tells me that he was keeping something from Adam and I” It was a thought I had been stewing over since the reading of the will and the more I thought about it the more that it made sense.
I stared at the phone in my hand for the longest time after my parents left me alone in my room, willing myself to call the one person I knew would be able to give him the answers I was searching for. My mind rushed as I tried to make sense about how fucked up my life had become and wither I truly wanted to know the answers I was searching for because I had a feeling that my life was going to change yet again once I got them.
“Hello Kris…” I heard Cassidy’s tired greeting through the phone. I wondered for a few seconds what had happened to the normally vibrant and cheerful man, realizing rather quickly the answer was of course the fact that I had left Cassidy alone to deal with Adam.
“I’m sorry…” I rasped, swallowing the guilt that had begun to rise in my throat because despite the fact that my running away was warranted, it wasn’t fair to leave Cassidy there alone to pick up the pieces. “I have a few questions that I need answered” I went on not allowing Cassidy a chance to reply. “And I need the truth Cassidy”
“Of course…” He replied softly.
“Did you know about Tommy, Adam and me…our relationship?” I questioned, figuring I’d get the easier of the two questions out first.
“Yes…but the only reason he told me was because I refused to add you to his will until he told me everything. I had already suspected that there was something going on but I had no proof until he came to my office.
“He knew…” The words felt like lead as they passed over my lips and it took several deep breaths before I was able to compose myself enough to speak again. “He knew he was dying didn’t he?”
“Yes…” Such a simple word and yet one that threw my already fucked up and devastated world into even more turmoil.
“Did Adam know?” It felt like a lifetime before Cassidy spoke and when he did once again my entire world was turned upside down.
“He did but” I couldn’t speak after that, could hardly breath as I disconnected the call and dropped the phone on the floor because I didn’t want to hear what else Cassidy had to say. I could only stare at it dumbly when it started ringing, my mind a jumbled mess after everything I had just learned. I don’t know how long I sat there but I must have eventually fell asleep because when I opened my eyes it was dark in my room and I was tucked under the covers. I couldn’t help but smile a little because I knew my mother had come in to check on me, but it didn’t last for very long as I recalled what Cassidy had said earlier to me. I found my phone lying on the dresser beside the bed, already knowing that my mother had placed it there for safe keeping. Picking it up I saw that I had every alert on my phone staring back at me, voice mails, email, text messaging and chat and yet I ignored them all because I was too scared, hurt, pissed off at what more I would find out about the relationship that didn’t seem to be a relationship after all.
I ignored my phone for several more days as I tried yet failed to be upbeat and happy around my parents. I could tell they weren’t buying it, but they were at least kind enough to play along for a short time. “Son…can we talk?” I heard my father ask one night as I was sitting in the backyard looking up at the stars.
“Will it matter if I say no” I said with no heat behind the words because I already knew what he was going to say and I knew he was doing it for my own good.
“You already know the answer to that” He replied and I couldn’t help but chuckle as he sat down on the bench beside me. “We’re just worried about you” He began. “You just seem so lost and as much as we love you and know you are hurting it’s time to pick up the pieces and move on with your life”
I knew he was right but the fact of the matter was that I had no idea how to do that. He was also right in that I was lost and confused and still so hurt that I found it nearly impossible to breathe some times. I knew enough time had passed that I should be able to pull myself together and move forward with my life yet without Tommy and Adam it just seemed pointless. The fact of that matter was that no matter how hurt and confused I was about our relationship it had been my everything for over a year and a half. “I don’t know what to do” I told him, feeling as if I wanted to cry but finding myself cried out as I took a deep breath and stared up at the stars once again. “I called Tommy’s lawyer…he’s Adam’s best friend too and he told me that Tommy knew he was dying and Adam did too”
“I see…” I heard him respond as he turned sideways to look at me. “So you think that he asked you into their relationship because he knew Adam was in love with you and you’d be there for him once he was gone”
“It kinda explains everything” I shrugged, refusing to look at him because I knew where he was going and I wasn’t ready to hear it. “They both lied to me…I can’t ever forgive them for that” What I didn’t say was that it probably didn’t matter since Adam had pretty much shunned me after I confronted him about our relationship.
“Maybe” He said, looking up at the sky for a moment before turning his focus back on me. “Or maybe there is more to the story and there was a reason they didn’t tell you. There are always two sides to a story Kristopher and running away and hiding from it won’t change that. I know you’re confused and you’re hurting but you need to pull yourself together and figure out what you want to do with your life. I love you very much Son but you can’t hide here forever” I closed my eyes as I felt his hand squeeze my shoulder, tears I didn’t t think I could produce anymore rolling down my face. “You still love Adam…that much is obvious but what you need to decide is if you want to forgive him and fight for that love or accept the fact that it’s over and move on” I said nothing as he got up, squeezing my shoulder once again before placing my cell phone in my hand. “It’s been ringing all night” I watched as he walked into the house, the phone in my hand taking that exact moment to ring. I hit the ignore button as I once again looked up into the sky wishing and hoping that it would give me the answers that I needed.
“How is he?” I said into the phone minutes later when the skies didn’t given me the answer I was looking for.
“No one knows because he disappeared after you ran off from the reading of the will” Cassidy replied, sounding even more exhausted then the first time I had spoken to him. “I know that I promised Tommy that I would be patient and help you both through this but I have to tell you Kris you are both pissing me off so fucking bad” His exhaustion turned to anger and as much as I wanted to be shocked because I had rarely heard Cassidy speak like that in all the years I had known him, I couldn’t because I knew that even he had his limits.
“You can’t blame me for being upset Cass” I cried out even though I knew he was stretched beyond his limits with me.
“No…I can’t be upset about the fact that they kept the truth from you but the way you’ve been acting Kris…that I can be upset about. You just ran off like a child and then when I tried to explain it you just hung up on me”
“This has all been too much” I fought back a sob because I truly felt as if I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. “I don’t even know what to think or feel right now”
“I know and I’m sorry that it all came out like this”
“You really don’t know where he is?” I asked, already feeling pretty sure that I knew where Adam was regardless of Cassidy’s answer.
“He’s not been home or answered any of my phone calls since the reading of the will” Cassidy replied with a sigh. “I have no idea where he is…no one does”
“I might know where he is” I told him, forcing myself off of the bench I had been sitting on. “I’m going to go find him and then I’ll call you back. I’m sorry that I’ve been such a shit to you and I appreciate that you’re still speaking to me after everything I’ve done”
“I’m Tommy’s lawyer Kris” He replied in explanation. “It’s my job”
“Yes…but you’ve always been a friend to all of us…a great one”
“Then as your friend fix this” I heard him say before the line went dead, the problem was that I had no fucking idea how I was supposed to make that happen or if I even could.
“Adam Lambert’s room” I said to the clerk at the counter of the fanciest hotel in a neighboring town an hour after ending my call with Cassidy.
“I’m sorry sir but we don’t have anyone by that name” Was her response but I could tell by the look on her face that she was lying.
“Of course you don’t” I nodded, trying to keep the sneer out of my voice as I dug my phone out of the front of my jeans and hit number one on my speed dial. “I’m in the lobby. Call down here now and let them know that you know me” I demanded when I heard his voice, not even going for pleasantries because despite my heartbreak I was pretty pissed off as well.
I just glared at her when the phone behind the desk rang. “Yes Mr. Lambert” She said to whatever he told her, her eyes looking anywhere but at me when she hung the phone back up. “If you’ll follow Jacob he’ll escort you to Mr. Lambert’s room” She still wasn’t looking at me and I didn’t care as I gave her one final glare before following a bored looking kid who didn’t seem to care about the drama going on around him.
“Kris…” I heard Adam say my name as we stepped off of the elevator and I found him leaning against the door to his suite. I was already angry after dealing with the lady at the counter and it only intensified when he continued to stand there looking scared and unsure and yet I wasn’t sure why the look pissed me off so much. “Kris…I…” I didn’t give a chance to say anything else as I pulled back and punched him across the face with all of my might. I didn’t mean to do it, hadn’t planned on it but it happened just the same and as he sat on the ground before me only then did I start to feel some of that anger ebb away.
“Oh my god Mr. Lambert” The kid beside me cried out, pushing me out of the way as he attempted to help him up. “Do you want me to call the police?” He asked, causing me to laugh because he didn’t seem so bored anymore”
“Yes Mr. Lambert…do you want him to call the police?” I laughed even louder, stepping over the two of them as I walked into his room.
“No…everything is fine” I heard him say to the boy as they fumbled up off of the floor together, watching as he pulled his wallet out of his pocket and handed him a fifty dollar bill. “Everything is fine and that didn’t happen” He nodded cautiously towards me before ushering him back into the hallway and closing the door behind him. “Do you feel better now?” He asked sadly, rubbing his reddened cheek.
“Oh yes Adam…I feel so much better now” I sneered, fighting the urge to do it again because as far as I was concerned he had no right to feel sad or hurt after everything he had put me through. “One hit isn’t anywhere near what you deserve after what you did to me” I shouted, pacing the floor between the living room and the hallway because I didn’t know what else to do. “What the fuck are you even doing here?” I questioned, stopping my pacing for a moment and then going back to it when he just looked at me with sad eyes.
“You know why I’m here Kris…just like you knew that I was here” I felt as if he was talking in riddles and yet again I had to curb the urge to punch the shit out of him. “You want to hit me…then hit me. You want to beat me until I’m a bloody mess…then do it because it won’t matter. I made a horrible mistake and I’m here to rectify it. I’m here to get us back because I love and I miss you so much Kris and…”
“Fuck you Adam” I spat out, refusing to hear anything else that he had to say because I felt so raw and open and those words felt like salt in an open wound.
“You’re not leaving Kris” He cried out as I raced for the door.
“The hell I’m not” I yelled back, struggling like hell as he wrapped his arms around my chest and pinned me against the door I was trying to leave through. “Stop it Adam” I cried out as I continued to try and get away from him, but the more I struggled the tighter he held me. “Stop it…” I cried out again in frustration and pain because the truth was I didn’t want to leave him and yet I didn’t want to stay. “Please just stop” I sounded out a final attempt before the flood gates opened and I was clutching to him like a drowning man. “You hurt me so bad Adam…so bad” I wailed, clutching at him even tighter because I didn’t feel I could support myself anymore yet as close as he was holding me it didn’t feel close enough.
“I know I did baby and I’m so fucking sorry” He was crying just as hard as I was and despite the fact that I was angry and hurt over everything he had done to me, it nearly broke me to hear the sadness and pain in his voice. I began to kiss him before I even knew what I was doing, it becoming a heated mess as we shucked our clothing quickly as we began moving towards the bed. Our love making was hard and painful with not an ounce of the love and caring we used to share. I wanted to push him away, knew that I should and yet I craved him like a drug that I wasn’t willing to even consider getting over anytime soon. I expected Adam to push me away afterwards, maybe even ask me to leave his room, but he did the opposite as he pulled me into his arms and held me gently. “We’re going to get through this Kris” I heard him whisper against my ear. “We’re going to get through this” He whispered again, kissing the side of my head before tucking me into his body. I don’t think either of us slept much that night as we laid together in silence and yet for the first time in such a long time I actually felt at peace.
I must have fallen asleep eventually because when I did finally open my eyes I found Adam sitting in the tiny kitchen area staring at me. “They don’t have room service but I convinced that kid from last night to run across the street and get us some breakfast” He said, finding fascination with the floor as I reached over towards the end of the bed and picked up the clothes he had obviously placed there from the night before. I said nothing as I pulled my jean on, my mind so confused that I couldn’t have spoken if I wanted to. “I have a few things that you could change into if you want to take a shower or something” He sounded so unsure, his eyes flickering up to mine briefly before he moved them back to the floor.
“A shirt if you have it” I replied quietly, feeling completely unsure myself.
“Yeah…ok” He said with a smile as he walked across the room and ruffled through his suitcase until he found what he was looking for.
“This is mine” I said as he handed me one of my old faded t-shirts.
“I’ve been sleeping with it since you left” I heard him say and I had no idea how I was supposed to respond to that.
“I’m going to go and take a shower” Was all I could come up with as I slung the shirt over my shoulder and practically ran for the bathroom.
I still had no idea what to think as I quickly showered while I tried to decide if I should just leave and start fresh on my own or if I should sit down and listen to what Adam had to say. I opted to stay and listen as I walked back into the room and found Adam sitting at the table once again with bags of fast food sitting in front of him from my favorite restaurant. “I know you love this place but I couldn’t remember what you liked so I just had him buy one of everything on the breakfast menu” He shrugged with a small grin. “But this I know you love” He held up a large cup of coffee, my body calling out for the caffeine the moment it got a whiff.
“Thank you” I said as I took the cup and sat down across from him at the table. We sat in silence for a while as he played with a biscuit but not really eating it. I opened my mouth several times while I finished my coffee, but no words would come and eventually I just clamped my lips together and waited for him to speak.
“I got scared” He broke the silence, swallowing hard before he began again. “Tommy was gone and everything that we tried to keep from you started to eat at me and I panicked and pushed you away”
“So you did know that Tommy was dying” I said despite the fact that I already knew it to be true. “So I was just someone to fill Tommy’s place after he died” I nearly choked on those last few words, tears burning my eyes because it was just too painful to hear the truth finally.
“What…NO” Adam cried out, the biscuit he had been playing with falling into a crumbled mess when he dropped it on the table. “That’s not true Kris…you can’t believe that’s true” He sounded almost near panicked, his eyes huge and confused, which only served to confuse me even more because his reaction didn’t make any sense.
“You just said that you knew he was dying and panicked when the lies you kept from me started to eat at you” The anger in my voice was stronger than I expected but I didn’t even try and curb it because I had been through hell since Tommy’s death and Adam was a huge cause of it.
My entire body was taunt as I fought the urge to run for the door once again. I could tell Adam could sense it, his body equally as taunt as he stared at me from across the table. “Just listen to me please before you decide leave” There was an edge of begging urgency to his voice that calmed me down somewhat but not enough that I wasn’t still eyeing the door. “God…I don’t even know where to start” He got up from his chair, running his hands through his dark hair as he began to pace before me. I said nothing as I leaned back into the chair and waited for him to try and explain himself. “I’ve been in love with you for a very long time” He finally began to speak again, the pacing slowing down to a crawl as he took a deep breath and continued. “I think I fell in love with you the first night we met” He turned to look at me with such sadness in his eyes and it only served to confuse me even more.
“You told me that you didn’t remember that night” I whispered, my throat heavy and painful from all the emotion I held within my chest.
“I know but it was easier to tell you that then the truth”
“There was something about you that night but the truth of the matter was that you were such a player at that time that I never even considered trying to make more of that night. I wanted to…but back then you slept with just about everyone so I didn’t think that I had a chance” He began to explain, my mind stupefied beyond belief because I had never thought that my slutting around like I had would come back to haunt me. “I used to watch you at the club…wishing that it was me you were going away with to fuck but after that night you never looked my way again so I tried to move on” He continued. “Then I found out you were working at the same ad agency as my friend and I begged him and begged him until he got me a job singing the jingle you wrote. I was going to pursue you after that but our friendship was instantaneous and so amazing that when I realized you might have feelings for me I was too afraid to do anything for fear of that friendship”
“You knew I was in love with you and yet you kept pushing me away…kept making me feel stupid and not good enough because you were worried about our friendship” I roared, slamming my fist so heavily upon the table that it knocked several of the bags of food to the floor but I didn’t care. “You knew that I was in love with you and you loved me back and yet you ignored that and started a relationship with Tommy because you were worried about our friendship” I couldn’t quite get over that part. “Do you have any idea how much you hurt me Adam?” I asked, jerking myself off of the chair. “Do you have any idea how much it killed me to see you so happy and in love with Tommy for all those years?” The urge to flee became nearly overwhelming as I wanted for him to respond. “Do you know how much it killed me when I tried to get over you by dating Matt and broke his heart and mine in the process because I knew there was no getting over you”
“Of course I did Kris” He replied brokenly. “I knew you loved me and yet I had fallen in love with Tommy as well. At the beginning I tried to break it off with him so I could pursue you but as you know he’s a stubborn fucker and he refused to let me go and then I got confused because I really did love him too” I fell back into the chair in shock because the more I found out the more I didn’t want to know. I recalled as Tommy told me that he and Adam had discussed Adam’s love for me but I hadn’t realized it was so early in their relationship.
“I can’t take any more” I sobbed, hiding my face in my hands because everything about my relationship with Tommy and Adam was slowly turning out to be nothing but lies and deceit. “Did Tommy even love me?” I questioned through my tears, my heart breaking yet again because I had never once lied to Tommy or Adam about my feelings for either of them.
“Of course he did Kris” Adam exclaimed as he fell to his knees in front of me. “He loved you so much baby and you have to know that it hurt him so much to know that he was hiding these huge secrets from you” I could read the truth in Adam’s tearful eyes as I lunged forward and wrapped my arms around his neck because I just needed to feel his warmth because I felt so fucking cold inside and out.
“I’m so confused. I don’t know what to believe anymore” I sobbed against his neck.
“Kris…please just let me explain it to you” He said, pulling away from me before he stood up. I said nothing as he held out his hand and led me back towards the bed when I took it. “First…I want you to know that I didn’t know about Tommy’s illness until right before he died” He began to explain and just by looking into his eyes I could tell that once again he was telling the truth. “The only reason I found out was because he had an attack at the house one day and I found him gasping for breath and nearly passed out in the drive way when I came home from the studio one day”
“Found him…I don’t understand. What was wrong with him?” I asked, clutching fearfully at Adam’s hand because something told me that I really didn’t want to know.
“From what Tommy told me was that they really didn’t know what it was. He said it started out as having trouble breathing from time to time and then rather quickly it started to get worse. He said one minute he felt fine and then the next he was gasping for breath. He went to the emergency room right after he had a bad episode one night while you and I were both out but they weren’t able to tell him what it was. He was referred to a specialist who pretty much told him that his heart was dying and that the only way that he would be able to survive was to have a heart transplant”
“Oh my god…” I cried out. “I don’t understand why he didn’t tell me…tell us. We could have helped him”
“I said the same thing and he told me that he’d already been added to the transplant list but that the doctors told him he probably would die before a heart became available to him” We were both crying so hard as Adam pulled me into his arms and held me. “I wanted him to tell you Kris…you have to believe that but he said that there was no use having you worry over something that none of us could control. He begged me not to tell you because he didn’t want you to think that he had chosen you to be a replacement because that was never the case. The fact of that matter is that he didn’t even know himself that he was sick until a year into our relationship”
Everything was starting to fall into place as I closed my eyes and together we mourned over the loss of the man that we had loved. “I’m so angry at him Adam. I love him and I miss him so much but I’m so angry at him for leaving me the way that he did” I sobbed into his neck as the feeling of guilt and anger raged a losing battle within my grief stricken body.
“I know Kris I feel the same way” I heard his tearful reply. “I hurt you so bad Kris and that’s something that I never wanted to do. I just got scared that once you found out the truth that you would hate me and it really doesn’t matter because you hate me anyway” He was crying even harder and as much as I knew I deserved the right to be angry at him and make him suffer a bit for the way he had hurt me, I found that I couldn’t do it. I knew that despite the fact that a small part of me wanted to make him pay for every painful and hurtful thing he had said to me that if I had I would feel it back nearly double because I hurt when he hurt.
“I love you so much Adam” Was my response instead of the hate loaded on the tip of my tongue. “So much” My words were ragged and heavy with tears as he pulled back and gaped at me through wide and tear filled eyes. “I can’t do this anymore” I went on, confused for a second when his body recoiled from my touch, only to pull him back into my arms at the realization of how he would take my words. “I can’t be away from you anymore” I amended, feeling his body become slightly less taunt as I continued to cling to him. “I know you hurt me but I understand why and I forgive you” I spoke up before he could say anything. “I want to put everything but the memory of the man that we loved in the past and move on. I love you more than anything in this entire world and all I want to do is continue to love you”
“You have no idea how happy I am to hear that” He replied as he pushed me back enough to glance into my eyes before crushing me almost painfully against his body once again. “Fuck…I love you more than you can ever know and I plan to spend the rest of my life proving it to you”
Before I could even tell him that I believed him I found my mouth otherwise occupied as he captured my lips under his own, our clothes were once again removed in a fiery rush as we stumbled and fumbled backwards on the bed. Our love making that time was slower, more intimate as he proved to me over and over again just how much he truly did love me. “I love you and I’m going to spend the rest of my life proving to you just how much” He whispered again in the dark afterward, his fingers caressing my cheek as I fought to stay awake.
“Love you too” I smiled as I leaned forward and placed a sleepy kiss on his lips, curling up under his chin as he pulled the covers up to my neck as we settled down for a nap. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen between Adam and I once we woke up but what I did know was that he truly did love me despite everything that had happened and because of that love I knew that we would get through whatever life brought our way.