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Liara blushed as she scanned a few lines of the audio-transcript she had scrubbed from the Normandy as it was docked. She'd resolved to delete it as soon as she realised it's content... her finger deftly flicked the screen up, however, and she kept reading. The burning feeling in her cheeks lingered, and spread. She was the Shadow Broker, she supposed. It was her business. Everything was her business now. The tiniest trace of a smile crept onto her lips as she scrolled back to the top of the transcript to begin again - this time, in a little more depth.

Chapter Text

**Begin Transcript -- Commander Elisabeth Shepard & Garrus Vakarian, Captain's Cabin, Normandy SR-2. 23:14 2186CE**

ES: You need to relax.

GV: That’s why I bought wine.

ES: No, really. Just… Listen, Garrus

GV: I don’t like where this is going.

ES: You know I don’t care about the sex, right?

GV: You… huh? I thought –

ES: I mean, I care… I care about you, and, i mean it would be amazing, but if it doesn’t work out – physically I mean – it’s not going to ruin my night,

GV: …

ES: What I’m trying to say is. Just… relax. No expectations. And definitely no wine – I want to remember this.

GV: But what if it’s terrible, Shepard?

ES: That’s why I said, no expectations. I don’t need you to fuck me for it to be a good night you know,

GV: Oh. That’s not what

ES: I know. I’m just saying.

GV: Okay. Huh. That’s actually surprisingly good to know.

ES: So how about you relax properly now. No pressure, no expectations. Just us. Um… exploring eachother. If you get me. Heh.

GV: And I thought I was the awkward one in this encounter…

ES: Shut your mouth, Garrus.

GV: Heh.

ES: So…

GV: Shepard,

ES: Mmm?

GV: … I’m really glad it’s not just about the sex.

ES: … So am I.

GV: You know I know absolutely zip about human physiology, right?

ES: Hahaha. You’ve never looked it up?

GV: Oh, I’ve seen… vids. Joker sent –

ES: Oh, please, no. I don’t want to know.

GV: Hahaha. No. You don’t. Let’s just say… I didn’t realise how elastic humans were… Or how well-endowed Krogans were. And I kind of didn’t need to know either.

ES: Aaahaha, oh, you are the master of bedroom-talk, Garrus Vakarian,

GV: Erghhh yeah that was probably not the best topic of choice

ES: Hmm.

GV: So…

ES: So… I’m going to take my shirt off,

GV: Okay.

ES: Nervous?

GV: Of course. Humans are soft. I’m worried I’ll hurt you, Liz –

ES: Don’t worry. Just… relax. We have hours. And we can take it as slowly as we need to, right?

GV: Hmm.

ES: So…

GV: Oh yeah this is the part where we both get naked and roll around on the bed, right?

ES: Garrus. I mean – yes, but

GV: Hahaha

ES: Shut up and take your clothes off.

GV: Hmm.

ES: Like what you see?

GV: I… don’t actually know what I’m looking at, Shepard

ES: Hahahaha

GV: Oh that came out all wrong. I mean of course I do. I don’t actually have any basis for comparison you know, Liz,

ES: Haha. I know. Don’t worry so much. You don’t ever need to worry about offending me, you know.

GV: All right then, you whore,

ES: Hahaha, oh, unfunny, Garrus

GV: You laughed

ES: Hmm. So I did. Your turn.

GV: I can’t believe I’m shy about taking my clothes off. Like, you have no idea how much of an exhibitionist I am among Turians. Every C-SEC staff party ended with me getting my plates out.

ES: Hahahaha. Wait your what?

GV: Oh. This is going to be an interesting night.

ES: You can say that again.

GV: This is going to be –

ES: Garrus I swear

GV: Hahaha. Okay. My turn.

ES: Mmm.

GV: You serious?

ES: I… yeah. Did I ever tell you I have a massive thing for Turians?

GV: Oh so now the truth comes out.

ES: Hahaha. But seriously. It’s not something I flout, obviously.

GV: Alliance wouldn’t be too pleased.

ES: Not like it’s on my record though

GV: Hahaha. Shepard, Elisabeth – gender: Female – sexual orientation: Turian-lover

ES: Aaahaha noooo

GV: There are people that would find you very… strange for that preference

ES: You kidding me? We’re on a Cerberus vessel,

GV: Hah.

ES: But I do. I dunno why. You’re all… majestic

GV: Majestic

ES: Pfff yes I’m serious

GV: Oh man

ES: Hahaha.

GV: But you do like what you see.

ES: I do. Caaan…. I touch?

GV: Hahaha. You sound like a schoolgirl

ES: Hmm. There’s an interesting idea

GV: What?

ES: Oh, never mind. Another time maybe

GV: I’m missing some human-oriented sexual connotation aren’t I

ES: Yeah

GV: Hahaha. But yeah. Uhm, touch away, I guess

ES: … Wow.

GV: Hah, what?

ES: You’re smooth. And warm. I kind of expected rough. And cool.

GV: A lot of people think that.

ES: You’ve let lots of people touch your naked body?

GV: Ha, ha, Shepard

ES: Sorry. But… Mm. Surprising. Nice surprising. So…

GV: Guided tour?

ES: Hahaha of your body?

GV: Yeah

ES: Yes, please. This is so foreign to me.

GV: Hmm.

ES: No no I mean. Good, foreign. Very good. I… Garrus, I wouldn’t want anyone else here.

GV: Well neither would I, a third person would just spoil the mood

ES: Garrus!

GV: Hahaha. Sorry. I know. I… me neither. I’m glad this is. Just for us, you know?

ES: We could be dead in six hours.

GV: We could.

ES: Well that’s a pleasant thought to kick off the evening.

GV: Hey, gives you motivation if nothing else

ES: Ahaha.

GV: So…

ES: Scales.

GV: Plates, actually.

ES: Look like scales to me.

GV: They probably are but the cultural term

ES: Okay I was teasing.

GV: Mmmh, yes. You are. That is… a good place to touch.

ES: Oh?

GV: Yeah. Um

ES: There’s no way to do this without it sounding clinical, is there?

GV: Probably not, no.

ES: Fire away then.

GV: These ones

ES: Ooh

GV: When we’re in an… aroused state

ES: Hahaha you sound like Mordin, don’t use that voice in my bed please

GV: Ahahaha. When we’re in an aroused state, they, loosen. We call it un-plating. Allows for

ES: Your cock’s in there?

GV: Ahahahahah

ES: Sorry, it was getting too biology-textbook. So you can feel

GV: Ohh – yep

ES: Hehehe

GV: Mhhh not yet please, guided tour not finished

ES: We started at the most exciting place though.

GV: You’re probably right.

ES: Your belly feels nice.

GV: Belly? It’s hardly a belly. I’ve seen bellies. They’re all soft and serve absolutely no purpose for protecting your gut. I swear we’re the only species that makes sense.

ES: Surely Krogan have belly-armour.

GV: Nope. Softer’n’a Hanar.

ES: Oh. Hah.

GV: Yeah weird. Imagine our surprise when every damned species in the Galaxy has a soft belly.

ES: Mine’s not soft.

GV: It so is. I see no plates of steel,

ES: Hahaha is that you flexing

GV: Flexing? My muscles? Yeah. Sad, isn’t it.

ES: I have no basis for comparison…

GV: Ohoho, diplomatic. Evasive, even.

ES: Garrus

GV: I know, I know.

ES: Hmm.

GV: Mmmhmm. I could get to like that human custom.

ES: I bet you could.

GV: Your turn now. Lay down please. I want to… look at you. I’ve never seen. Well. Anyone that’s not a Turian like this. Not up close, at least…

ES: Yeah, I figured. Omega has a lot of strip-joints.

GV: Do I look like the strip-joint kinda guy?

ES: Yep.

GV: Cold, Shepard.

ES: You know it.

GV: So…. Legs.

ES: Yes.

GV: They’re… smooth. And soft. Do you have any hard parts at all?

ES: Our heads are pretty solid.

GV: Must be if you can fall out of orbit and into a planet and live.

ES: Ha, ha, Vakarian,

GV: Hmm. Can I –

ES: Of course. Oh. Your hands

GV: Bad?

ES: No. Amazing texture. What do the palms… Oh, wow.

GV: Useful for grip. If we had another digit it wouldn’t be necessary…

ES: Speculative evolutionary theory in the bedroom. I like it.

GV: I knew you would. So… Hips?

ES: Mmmhmm.

GV: They’re kind of firm I guess.

ES: Seriously is my softness going to be your only observation?

GV: Kind of, yeah. Breasts?

ES: Boobs. Tits. Whatever you want to call them, hah.

GV: Erogenous? According to the literature –

ES: Garrus.

GV: Yeah okay.

ES: Ohh. Yes, by the way.

GV: Hmm?

ES: Erogenous. Very. Human men are obsessed with them in an unhealthy way.

GV: Turian men might be too.

ES: Ahaha, good. Mmm. That is a nipple.

GV: I know what a nipple is, Shepard

ES: Do Turians have them?

GV: What? No

ES: Hahaha sorry. Sorry. They feel good though. Be firm but gentle.

GV: Like… this?

ES: Oh! Yes.

GV: Heheh

ES: You sound pleased with yourself

GV: Hmm and what about here…?

ES: That is where it all happens.

GV: Hahaha. May I…

ES: I think we’re past manners. Go ahead. Be gentle.

GV: You sound a little panicked.

ES: Well, you have rather pointy claws on those things.

GV: Just… well, guide me.

ES: Mmm. Okay.

GV: So that’s

ES: A clitoris.

GV: A clitoris?

ES: Yeah.

GV: What’s it

ES: It’s the magical button that makes a woman love you.

GV: Oh, I –

ES: Kind of kidding. Still very important. Very… pleasing. Also very tender.

GV: Now you’re sounding like Mordin.

ES: Do we have to keep bringing up the Salarian when your face is this close to my pussy?

GV: … Pussy?

ES: Oh. Um. Human slang. Vagina? … Cunt?

GV: Weird slang. I thought pussies were animals?

ES: Yeah, it’s got a long and convoluted history.

GV: Oh. Right. Well. Yeah. No Salarian talk then.

ES: Hah. No. Thanks. OH wow

GV: Heheh not totally different from Turian women then…

ES: Mmmmhhh shut up and do that again. Lots.

GV: You mean this?

ES: Of course I do. Oh, ooh. Ohh my god is that

GV: Yeah, too much?

ES: Nope. Not at all. Oh. Garrus…

**Error 2485: Audio Untranslatable**
**Error 2491: Extended Silence**

GV: Well this is having an effect…

ES: That obvious?

GV: No, I meant on me.

ES: Glad you’re enjoying yourself. Oh. Hey no, don’t stop

GV: Hahaha. This is pretty one-sided don’t you think?

ES: Only a bit. Mmm. I’ll admit. I’ve been waiting a long time to see what else you can do with that tongue.

GV: Haha I bet.

ES: Show me.

GV: What? I just

ES: No no not your tongue.

GV: Oh.

ES: Come on. No need to be shy. Remember, no basis for comparison…

GV: So I could tell you lies. Like

ES: Oh, wow

GV: Like this is on the large side for Turians

ES: Ahaha that’s a lie is it?

GV: Actually I’m comfortably in the ‘average’ zone, according to statistics. A little on the thicker side.

ES: It’s… wet. You self-lubricate?

GV: Uh

ES: Humans don’t do that. Like, at all. Their junk is all just hanging there on the outside. Just skin.

GV: Just skin?

ES: Can I touch?


ES: Hahaha. Like

GV: Ohh shit. Yes like that. I – mmh – have to ask though.

ES: Hmm?

GV: Size wise, compared to humans. I mean. I need to know what you’re used to.

ES: Well you’re a little longer. And uh. Considerably thicker. But since it kind of tapers it shouldn’t be a problem…

GV: Remember, I know how elastic human women are

ES: Ahahah oh ew

GV: Hehehe sorry.

ES: Hey Garrus

GV: Yeah?

ES: You’ve never been with anyone who’s not a Turian?

GV: No. I thought I said –

ES: You did. But. I guess that means you’ve never had a blowjob.

GV: A what?

ES: Oh my GOD, tonight is going to be amazing

GV: Hahaha what are you talking about?

ES: Oral sex.

GV: Oral? Oh, no no no. No. You have teeth, they aren’t going anywhere near this.

ES: Hahahaha. Teeth are not involved. Don’t worry.

GV: I fail to see how this is even possibly a good idea.

ES: It’s normal. Trust me!

GV: Normal? Letting some homicidal maniac munch on your cock?

ES: Ahahahahaha

GV: You’re making this up, aren’t you.

ES: Here.

GV: What?

ES: Give me one of your fingers.

GV: If you bite my finger off, I swear, this date is over

ES: Hahaha just… there. See?

GV: … wow. What is that?

ES: That, my delicious Turian, is the advantage of lips. Suction.

GV: Wow. That’s not something I ever really considered.

ES: Turians wouldn’t be able to do it.

GV: No.

ES: So… tempted?

GV: ... I still think you’re making this up.

ES: What.

GV: ‘Blow jobs’ or whatever. There’s no way a sane man would put his cock in a woman’s mouth.

ES: Hahaha. That’s a surprisingly fair call. But naa it’s seriously one of the most normal sex acts amongst humans. And probably Drell and Asari and I imagine Quarians if their suits didn’t get in the way. And probably Batarians. Not Vorcha though.

GV: Oh gross.

ES: Hahaha.

GV: You can keep doing that though.

ES: Hmmm I thought you liked that. What if

GV: Ohhh

ES: Oh good. This… wetness… is going to be lots of fun.

GV: Oh?

ES: I’ll tell you later. EDI,

GV: What-the-fuck-can-she-see-us

ES: EDI, will you get me Joker over the comm please? No vid link though.

EDI: --of course, Commander.—

JM: Hey Commander, what’s up?

GV: What-the-fuck-are-you-doing-Elisabeth

ES: Shut up. Hey, Joker. Weird question…

JM: I hate it when you start conversations with ‘weird question’.

ES: On a scale of one to ten, one being normal, and ten being WOAH FUCK NO that’s insane

JM: So one being 'docked at the citadel', and ten being 'about to fly through the Omega 4 Relay and attack the Collector Base'?

ES: Ha, ha, Moreau. If you must. But on that scale… How normal are blowjobs?

JM: Whaaaat

ES: Hahaha

JM: Seriously, Commander – why are you asking me this.

ES: You don’t need to know that Lieutenant.

JM: Oh man. I don’t want to partake in this.

ES: You’re not! Just give me an answer as a number!

JM: Okay, they’re like a one or a two. Normal. Shit, Shepard. Is Garrus up there with you?

ES: Pfffch aaahahaha

JM: Oh, okay weird and gross, I’m hanging up now.

ES: Goodnight, Joker,

EDI: --connection terminated. Would you like me to call back, Commander?--

ES: No thanks, EDI. Enable high level privacy protocols please.

EDI: --logging you out, Shepard.--

GV: Ahahahahaha

ES: Ahahahahhaha

GV: Okay that was not funny

ES: It was hilarious

GV: Why! Would you do this! Right now!

ES: Because it was funny! And you needed to know that having a girl suck your dick is one of the most normal, and entertaining, aspects of human foreplay.

GV: I thought Mordin said not to ingest fluids…

ES: He gave us anti-allergenic hypodermics... You’re not getting out of this.

GV: I’m really, really not sure about

ES: Just shut up and close your eyes

GV: …

ES: …

GV: … Oh, Spirits… Shepard…

ES: Liz will do fine, thanks,

GV: Elisabeth… Do not ever stop doing this to me

ES: Hahaha

GV: I said don’t stop!

ES: Haaa—mmmm

GV: Ohh this is why Turians marry Asariiii-aahhhh

ES: Mmmhmm…

GV: Liz… Ohh.

**Error 2485: Audio Untranslatable**

GV: I take it all back. You can do that whenever you like. Seriously. I don’t mind. Any time. In the forward battery… on a mission, wherever. In a firefight… no problem. I’ll cover you.

ES: Ahahahaha you’re the picture of romance, Garrus Vakarian.

GV: Kiss me.

ES: Hmm. You’ve come to like that.

GV: We have surprising amount of sensitivity on our mouths, you know.

ES: So you’ve mentioned.

GV: I want you, Liz.

ES: I know.

GV: So…

ES: Here.

GV: This is actually going to work.

ES: You sound seriously surprised

GV: I am.

ES: We’re pretty amazing, you know. We make everything work.

GV: Wow. You got… wet.

ES: Yeah… Something about having a hot, thick, Turian cock halfway down my throat…

GV: Ohhh Shepard. Did you know that the Turian ear is known widely to be a very erogenous zone…?

ES: I did.

GV: Ah. So. Whispers. Lots of them.

ES: Looks like you don’t need much more arousal, Vakarian…

GV: I don’t. But I’d like it. Is this… okay?

ES: Yes.

GV: You’re breathing heavily.

ES: Anticipation.

GV: Shall I –

ES: Yes.

GV: Like… Nnh!

ES: Ohh!

GV: Liz…

ES: Oh my god. Garrus. Oh! This

GV: I know.

ES: This is

GV: I know!

ES: Ohhhh

**End Transcript**