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Reefer Madness

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Sirius grinned and locked the dorm room door, then pulled a joint out from under his mattress.

"Sirius," Remus objected. "I'm a prefect!"

"I'm only doing it for you!" Sirius said. "I imagine you're feeling stiff and sore because of the time of month." He grinned. "Nicked it from Sprout, just for you."

"For me?" He gave Sirius his best disapproving look, which had the usual effect--none whatsoever. Perhaps it wasn't a very good disapproving look, as it really would make him feel better.

"I hope you brought enough for the whole class," James said, sitting on Sirius' bed.

"Doobie inflamare." Sirius took a long hit off the joint, passed it to James, and leaned back on his bed. "You do realize that Evans will never let you so much as sniff her knickers, don't you?"

"Oh, shut up," James said, but his tone was good-natured. He took a hit as well and held out the joint to Remus.

Remus held up his hand and shook his head, just to set a good example. James shrugged and took another hit.

"You're sure, Remus?" Sirius said. "You're looking a bit peaky."

"Oh, I'm sure 'Do as I say, don't do as I do,' will be much more effective in convincing you lot to behave."

James rolled his eyes and took yet another hit.

"Don't hog it," Sirius said. "I nicked that for Remus."

"He said he didn't want any!" James said, and handed it to Sirius.

Sirius took a long hard drag off it, then held it out to Remus. "Come on, Moony. I noticed you barely ate all day."

"Really?" James said.

"Really. Not that I expect you to tear your eyes away from Evans long enough to notice." Sirius waggled the joint at Remus.

Remus was about to say no thank you, but then Sirius said, "You could always go out with me." Peter started giggling like a maniac, and Remus snatched the joint away and took a drag.

"Very funny, Padfoot," James said.

"What makes you think I'm joking?" Sirius had that perfect deadpan face that rendered it impossible to tell if he was joking or not. Peter started giggling again, and Sirius added, "You're not even stoned yet, Wormtail."

Peter blushed and giggled at a slightly lower volume.

"The fact that we're not queer," James said.

"Oh, don't be so bloody middle-class, Prongs." Sirius leaned behind James and snatched the joint out of Remus' hand. So much for doing it for Remus. Remus sighed, but Sirius gave no indication of noticing.

Well, that was just like Sirius--utterly self-absorbed. He had to know, he'd caught Remus staring at him often enough, but no, he had to go chase James, who wasn't even interested. Remus probably wasn't enough of a challenge. And yet he was so far gone he couldn't even muster up a sulk or a tantrum, no, he was just going to follow him around like a puppy, mooning Moony. Well, all right, he hadn't actually said anything, but Sirius had to know. It was obvious.

"How is liking tits middle-class?" James said.

"'Very funny, Padfoot,'" Sirius imitated, filling his voice with deep disapproval. "So bourgeois."

"I like girls!" James said.

"No shit," Sirius said.

"What?"

Sirius rolled his eyes and passed the joint to Peter. "Never mind."


Peter was giggling uncontrollably. He didn't have a reason, he just was. It was oddly amusing.

Remus sat in the window and watched James and Sirius, sprawled out on their respective beds.

"Evans will never, ever screw you, Prongs," Sirius said.

"Oh, screw you, Sirius."

"That's what I'm suggesting," Sirius said. Peter shrieked and started cackling, and Sirius said, "Oh, do shut up!"

James actually sat up and stared. "What?"

"What, am I being too subtle? I'm offering to spread 'em for you. It's not like Evans will."

James stared, as if his brain had suddenly shorted out. Then he shook his head. "You're stoned."

Sirius snorted. "No! Whatever gave you that idea?"

"You're suggesting that we..."--James made a strange, choked noise--"...here? In front of Moony and Wormtail?"

"We can ask them to get lost for half an hour." Sirius shrugged.

Peter abruptly stopped giggling and stared.

"You're daft," James said.

"You're just noticing?" Sirius looked over at Remus. "Oh well. I'll always have you, won't I, darling?"

"I think I need some fresh air," Remus said, standing. "It's a bit stuffy in here."

Sirius grabbed his arm, with a worried expression. Remus patted Sirius on the shoulder, extricated his arm, rolled his eyes, and left.

He slipped out to the courtyard, where there were benches. There was someone already there. "You're out late," Snape said.

Remus considered a couple of retorts, including the oh-so-witty So are you, but eventually settled for, "My friends are wankers sometimes."

Snape gave him a long look, then smirked. "If you can't say anything nice, come and sit next to me." He scooted over on the bench.

Remus sat next to him on the bench. "You're out late, too."

"The few so-called friends I have are wankers all the time," Snape said.

Remus laughed. Snape leaned over and sniffed him, then snorted and pulled a half-smoked joint out of his sleeve.

"Where did you get that?" Remus said.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" He snorted. "Lucius Malfoy. I think he fancies me, which is creepy and disturbing, but it would continue to be so whether I took the free weed or not."

"Very pragmatic," Remus said.

Snape sighed heavily and lit the joint with his wand. "I had to get away from Regulus. He's desperate to be my best friend, mainly because he wants me to introduce him to my 'connections.' Please." He rolled his eyes. "Wanker." He handed Remus the joint. "Why are your friends wankers tonight?"

"Er," Remus said.

"Have as much as you like. Plenty more where that came from."

"Are you trying to get me stoned so you can get gossip out of me?"

Snape gave him a scornful look and said, "Of course."

"They're just harshing my mellow," Remus said. "Nothing juicier than that, I'm afraid."

"Too bad," Snape said. "I'd love some good blackmail material." He snorted. "Maybe I should ask the ever-obsequious Regulus." He gave Remus a sidelong look and took the joint back. "Sometimes I think you're not utterly contemptible."

"I, erm... thanks."

"You've fallen in with a bad crowd, though."

"Can't argue with that," Remus said. "Not that you're one to talk."

"Me?"

"What's going on with you and Bellatrix?"

"Trying to get me stoned so you can get gossip out of me?"

This was probably not as funny as it seemed to Remus, but he couldn't stop laughing.

"Remus?" Sirius called from the doorway. Remus turned to look, and when he turned back he was alone on the bench. "You should come back in. We promise to behave."

"For how long?"

"At least ten minutes," Sirius said.

"That would be a record of some kind, I suspect."

"How about if I promise to stop chasing James?" Sirius asked.

Well, it looked like Snape had gotten his gossip after all. Remus knew he was still around. "Let's go in."

Sirius leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, and they stepped inside.

"What's the matter? Was he offended by the suggestion that he would only last thirty minutes?"

Sirius laughed. "He's a sixteen year old virgin. Thirty minutes is optimistic."