"Severus," Lucius said, "I have a little task I need you to do for me."
Oh, God. What did he want now? If it was just head, he'd ask directly. He sighed.
"Oh, don't be like that, Severus. It's nothing nasty." He laughed. "I have some business out of town this weekend, and I'd like you to take care of Narcissa while I'm gone."
"'Take care of'? You want me to Avada Kedavra your wife?"
Lucius laughed again. "No, no. I want you to take her out to dinner. Spend the weekend with her. Keep her from buying anything."
Severus considered that he'd rather kill her.
"Don't look so glum. I'll pay for everything."
Severus supposed that a free meal was better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. Not that he should say that aloud. It might give Lucius ideas.
Clearly, being a Death Eater was not all it was cracked up to be.
They apparated into the parking lot full of... muggle neon? "What," Severus asked, "in the name of Merlin's beard is this place?"
"Let's go to the Leaky Cauldron. I want the pea soup."
"You can get pea soup here, Daddy-o. Don't be a..." Her fingers outlined the shape of a square, the lines sparkling in midair for a moment.
Oh, the wit.
Narcissa strutted towards the door, and Severus reluctantly followed.
It was even worse on the inside. Waiters and waitresses glamored to look like famous witches and wizards, meals served on magic carpets, and a stage with Weird Sisters imitators.
"Reservation for Malfoy," she said. "It was a carpet."
The Maitre d' was dressed as Nostradamus. "Of course! Follow Salazar; he'll be your waiter tonight."
"Thissss way," Salazar said, and muttered something in Parseltongue. He led them to a booth formed of a carpet, and handed them menus with dancing food and drink selections on them.
Severus barely glanced at the menu; the dancing items made him queasy. "I'll have the pea soup, and firewhiskey."
"I'll have the Norwegian Ridgeback burger..."
"Burnt to a crisp or bloody as hell?" Salazar asked.
"Bloody," Narcissa said, with a feral grin. "And a five galleon shake."
"Wait a minute," Severus said. "Five galleons?"
"Yes," Narcissa said.
"That's milk, and ice cream."
"And it costs five galleons? They don't put firewhiskey in it or anything?"
"No," Narcissa said.
"Just checking," Severus said. "Shall I ask about the burger?"
Narcissa laughed. "What do you care? Lucius is paying."
"True," Severus said.
Salazar left, still mumbling in Parseltongue.
"What do you think?" Narcissa asked.
It was ghastly. But what he actually said was, "It's like Hogwarts: A History."
Narcissa smiled a little feline smile of satisfaction that turned into delight as Salazar brought their drinks. She wrapped her lips around her straw. "Mmm," she said. "Delicious."
"May I have a sip of that?" Severus said.
"Be my guest," Narcissa said, pushing the glass across the table.
Severus took a sip. "That's a very good milkshake."
"Told you so!" Narcissa said.
"I'm not certain it's worth five galleons, but it's good." He pushed the glass back across the table.
Narcissa started licking the cherry from her shake in a suggestive manner.
Severus didn't know what to say to that. Lucius said he wasn't asking Severus to do anything nasty. Sex with Lucius was one thing; he was a reasonably attractive man. Narcissa was a girl.
And then there was an uncomfortable silence.
"Don't you hate that?" Narcissa said.
"Uncomfortable silences. Why do people think it's necessary to talk bollocks in order to be comfortable?"
An interesting question, and one more thoughtful than he'd expected from her. "I don't know."
"That's how you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute, and comfortably share silence."
That certainly wasn't him and Lucius. "Well, I don't think we're there yet, but we don't know each other very well."
"Well," Narcissa said, "I'll tell you what. I'll go and use the little girl's room, and you think of something to say."
"I'll do that," Severus said.
Lucius didn't tell him there would be chitchat. Severus hated chitchat. He was dreadful at it. Lucius gives adequate head, doesn't he? No, that wouldn't work.
Maybe they should just get very, very drunk.
Narcissa sat back down. "Don't you love when you go the loo, and your food is there when you get back?"
"We're fortunate our food arrived at all," Severus said. "I don't think Salazar Slytherin is much of a waiter. We should have sat in Rowena Ravenclaw's section."
"Which one? There are two."
"No, there's one. That," Severus pointed at the witch in blue, "is Rowena Ravenclaw. And that," Severus pointed at a witch in black pouring coffee, "is Morgana le Fay."
"Pretty smart, aren't you?"
"Yes," Severus said.
Narcissa smirked. "Well, clever boy, did you think of something to say?"
"I did," Severus said, "but I don't wish to offend you."
"Ooh," Narcissa said. "That doesn't sound like the usual mindless, getting-to-know-you chitchat. That sounds like you have something to say."
"I do, but you must promise not to be offended."
"I can't promise that. If you say it, my natural impulse might be to be offended, and then, through no fault of my own, I'd have broken my word."
"Then we should forget about it."
"Impossible," Narcissa said.
Severus sighed. "What did you think about what happened to Regulus Black?"
"Rumor has it that before he died, Lucius threw him off your tallest tower because of you."
"Me? What are we supposed to have done?"
Severus stirred his soup.
"Oh, don't be shy. Does it include the word 'fuck'?"
"No, no. Nothing like that. They say he gave you a foot massage."
"You heard that Lucius threw Regulus off a tower because he touched my feet?"
"It's hardly the strangest rumor I've heard about Lucius."
Narcissa appeared to consider this, and shrugged. "What happened was between Regulus, Lucius, and the Dark Lord."
"Oh." Severus stirred his soup some more. He felt another uncomfortable silence coming on, so he said, "Lucius gives adequate head, doesn't he?"
Narcissa paused for a moment, apparently in thought. "It's nothing to write home about," she said, "but it gets the job done."
The Weird Sisters imitators started to play.
"I want to dance."
"I do not dance," Severus said.
"I do believe that Lucius Malfoy, my husband, your mentor, told you to take me out and do whatever I wanted. Well, I want to dance."
"You'll have to use the Imperatus."
Narcissa pulled out her wand. "I don't have a problem with that."
The door to Malfoy manor flew open, and Severus and Narcissa tangoed in. He dipped her, and they stared at each other for a moment.
Too much firewhiskey.
He helped her stand. "Was that an uncomfortable silence?"
"I don't know what that was, but I think more firewhiskey would help."
"I should go," Severus said.
"Really?" Narcissa said. "Because I was hoping for some head."
"I'm queer," Severus said.
Narcissa tilted her head to the side and looked at him for a moment. "I suppose I could let you bugger me."
Well, he was quite randy... no. He was not going to have sex with Narcissa. He was going to go home, wank, think about Lucius while he was doing it, and that was all he was going to do. This was a test of his honor--whether he could maintain loyalty to Lucius...
Oh, sod Lucius. He was a twat.
"You could polyjuice to be a man and I could blow you," Severus said.
"Ooh!" Narcissa said. "Now that's not an offer a girl gets every day! And Lucius sheds like you wouldn't believe. I thought the cat produced a lot of hair..."
"Oh, tell me about it," Severus said, and rolled his eyes.
Narcissa giggled. "Follow me," she said.
Severus didn't mention that he knew the way. He'd been there with Lucius before. He followed, and let her lead.
Narcissa held the goblet of polyjuice in one hand, and ran her hand over a pillow with the other. "Aha!" she said, dropping in the hair. She gave Severus a long look. "This is where we undress."
This, Severus thought as he unbuttoned his clothes, was the time for an uncomfortable silence.
He stood there, naked and awkward. She sat naked on the bed and said, "To your health." She raised the goblet, and drank.
Watching her sprout a cock was a bit disturbing. On the other hand, well, he really did prefer cock. He wondered if she would like it the same way Lucius did; after all, it was his body. There was clearly only one way to find out. He lay down between her legs and gave her cock a lick.
Oh, now this was going to be fun. He always loved making Lucius moan, but he usually had to work for it. He smirked, and licked the head of her cock again.
"Oh, Severus," she said. "Please."
He was instantly, painfully hard. Oh. He blinked, took a deep breath, and ran his tongue up and down her cock, slowly, teasingly.
"You like that?" She laughed. "Please, Severus, please don't tease me, you know how badly I want you..."
Oh, yes. He liked that. He was nearly dizzy with lust. He sucked her into his mouth, and she moaned and writhed and begged.
Sweet Merlin, she was shameless. Utterly uninhibited. And apparently, yes, the body still worked the same way, judging by the moans.
So much hotter than Lucius.
He did the suction with the pressure against the soft palate thing that always made Lucius tell him to stop. "No, no, too much! Too much! Oh, God," she said.
Polyjuice lasted about an hour? He could probably blow her for about an hour, if he tortured her enough.
"Please," she said.
He laughed, and sucked her some more, his tongue lapping at that spot under the ridge Lucius liked, and she came. Quite unexpected. Well, he supposed it was her first blow job, after all. He smirked up at her.
"I knew you'd be good," she said.
"I believe you offered to let me bugger you."
She laughed. "To hell with Lucius! You should fuck him to death for me."
"Does that mean yes?"
She rolled over and wiggled her arse in the air. "Take me, I'm yours!"
Narcissa was fun. They might have to do this regularly.
He got his wand, and used Lucius' preferred lubricating spell, and slipped inside. "Oh, Severus," she said, her voice a deep, throaty moan.
"Do I need to go slowly?"
She laughed. "It's not the first time I've done this, and something tells me it's not the first time my husband's done it, either."
He fucked her, long and slow and deep, and she moaned and told him he was good at it, so good. Oh, Merlin. And when he came, he decided it was official: Narcissa was the best shag he'd ever had.
He slipped out, and she wriggled around to face him. "What a wonderful suggestion!"
"Can we arrange a permanent swap?" he said. "Because I really like the body, but Lucius himself is rather a twat."
"Think about it," he said. "You could have the money, and his name, and you wouldn't have to put up with him."
"I'd miss my body," she said. "We should do this in the morning when I'm myself."
Severus made a face and sighed.
"Have you ever been with a woman?"
"Then how do you know you don't like it?"
Severus had to admit the question had a certain logic.
They lay there long enough for Narcissa to change back, and then Narcissa said, "Lucius talks too much."
"I agree," Severus said.
Narcissa pulled him into the shower and kissed him.
He didn't know what to do with her breasts. Honestly, he wasn't sure what to do with any of her, except maybe her lips and arse, but her breasts were, well, there, in the way. Severus didn't think this was going to work.
Fortunately, she had her own ideas.
Her hand stroked his cock as they kissed, and then she knelt and started to go down on him. Mmm, lovely; she gave much better head than her husband. He moaned when her fingers slid up his arse and started to finger-fuck him. She certainly did know what to do with a male body, and Lucius keeping lube in the shower was typical, really.
Then she stopped, and stood, and pulled him back against her, wrapping a leg around his hips, and guided him inside her. It was different, slicker and wetter, good different... a strange angle, but somehow it worked. She moaned, and squirmed against him, and murmured his name. So slick and hot. He slipped a hand between them, stroking down, feeling for... should be...
She gasped, and started to shake. Oh, yes. And when he started coming himself, she had her hands on his face, watching him, enthralled.
He leaned against her, panting, and she petted him, which he tolerated.
"You're better than my husband," she said.
"You're better than your husband, too," he said.
"You know," she said, "if you polyjuice as me we can go another round." She smirked. "One of the advantages of being a woman."
"There are potions I could take," he said.
"Oh, come on," she said. "It'll be fun."
She really was quite spectacularly perverse. He liked that about her. Lucius was married to this, and he wasn't buttering it nightly and licking it off? What, was he mad?
Well, yes. Yes, he was. But that was beside the point.
Narcissa grabbed his hand and led him back into the bedroom.
"I'm dripping," he said.
"Wait here," she said, and ducked into the other room.
Severus went back into the bathroom and grabbed a towel. He dried off.
Narcissa returned with another goblet of polyjuice, and dropped one of her own hairs in it. "Drink this," she said.
Severus sat on the edge of the bed and drank. He looked down, and his first thought was, Oh my God! What the fuck happened to my cock?
There was no reason to panic. It was temporary. It should only last an hour.
Narcissa smirked and pushed him onto his back. He was so busy panicking that he didn't expect her to shove her head between his legs and start to lick.
That was all right, then.
Narcissa looked up at Severus, and smirked. "I have it on good authority that I'm better at this than my husband."
Severus pointed between his legs and grunted.
"Greedy," she said, and went back to what she was doing, licking and stroking and sliding her fingers inside, and if she didn't slow down he was going to come and then what would they do for an hour? He tried to point this out to her, but it came out gibberish, and then he did come, and she did something with her fingers and he came again.
Narcissa looked up at him and smirked, and he shoved her head back down. She laughed and kept licking.
He wondered if they could keep this up for an hour, or if he'd get raw before then. He was game to try.
Narcissa looked up. "Would you panic if I tried to put my fist in you?"
Severus stared. Just the question induced panic.
Narcissa sighed. "Ah well. Flora can take my fist, but I'm not sure I can."
Severus didn't know who Flora was, nor did he care as long as Narcissa kept her fist to herself.
And then Narcissa stuck her head between his legs again and all was right. Oh, yes. She could just keep doing that.
This time it was so intense that he arched up, moaning, and Narcissa said, "You know, I'd like to get some at some point. Am I going to have to polyjuice, too?"
Severus tried to say that was a good idea, but the words didn't come out right.
"You're adorable," she said.
He didn't like being called adorable, but he decided he wasn't in any condition to argue.
Narcissa got up and went into the other room, and then came back with another goblet of polyjuice and raided Lucius' hairbrush, which was inside a drawer. "Maybe we should keep him tied up in the cellar and harvest his hair regularly," she said.
Severus thought this was a brilliant idea.
And then she had a cock, and dammit, he wanted his cock back--all the better to fuck Lucius' body with--and she climbed on top and spread his legs and...
Well, this was interesting, and fun, but he could see how he'd be much more likely to get sore from a lot of this, and he'd really rather she stick her head between his legs for a few more years, but this was nice, too. Not quite as nice as being fucked in the arse, in his opinion, but not bad. And then she slipped her hand between them and, mmm...
"I've never done that before," Narcissa said.
"Neither have I," Severus said. And then he changed back. He looked down at his cock, and said, "Welcome back, darling. I missed you so much."
Narcissa giggled. "I can't wait to tell Lucius we used up all his polyjuice."
"I can make gallons and gallons. I'm quite skilled with potions, you know."
"Serves him right. That bitch took my favorite dildo out of town with him."