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If You're Happy You're a Troll Then Raise Your Hand

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Your name is JOHN EGBERT and this is your THIRD YEAR on HOGWARTS. Hehe, Hogwarts… you still can’t get over how silly your school’s name is. You are currently shopping in the DIAGON ALLEY. You are absolutely excited about the elective classes. You already decided that you will attend CARE OF MAGICAL CREATURES and MUSIC. You don’t care what your godly friend said about your decision. Magic is awesome, end of story.

 

==> John: Recall the conversation you had with your godly friend almost everyday

CG: THE FUCK EGBERT?! ARE YOU SERIOUS? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS YOU MAJOR BULGELICKER WITH A HEMORRHOID BUTT AS A THINK-PAN?!

EB: of course karkat! i’ve told you a thousand times!

CG: WHY THE HELL DID I ASK AGAIN? OF COURSE YOU ARE! OF COURSE YOU WOULD MAKE A STUPID DECISION OF LIVING AS A STICK WAVING RABBIT PULLER ENTERTAINER RATHER THAN BEING A GOD!

EB: gosh, we are not that kind of wizard! this is legit! like jade as witch of space except we are not god tier anymore! besides, you know that magic is not the only reason.

CG: …

CG: WHATEVER. I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON YOUR POTIONS.

EB: haha, nice talking to you too karkat!

 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB]

 

==> John: Stop daydreaming and read your new books already!

No need to tell you that! You are already eager to open your Care of Magical Creatures book! Since you are sort of new with this entire Wizarding World thing, you can’t help but be curious about what kind of stuff exist here. Even though it’s already your third year, there are many things that you still don’t know about. Oh wow! Salamanders! Huh, not as cute as your Casey though. Hey, come to think of it… what about trolls? They exist right? Well, you know that alien trolls exist, but what about magical ones? You skip the pages forward and find what you want.

 

“A Troll is a magical creature of prodigious strength and immense stupidity .”

 

“…of prodigious strength and immense stupidity.”

 

“…immense stupidity.”

 

You laugh when you read the first line. You have a suspicion that when this world was made, Dave probably added several things here and there for the sake of irony. Hooo boy! You can’t wait to show Karkat this book!

 

==> John: Go back to your home and set up a connection

You are a muggle-born, which mean your parents don’t have any magical ability. And it also means, unlike Rose, you have the privilege of using the internet without uptight ancestors hanging on your wall telling you that using muggle technology is an ignominy, whatever that means.

 

“Dad! I’m home!” You say as you enter your house. There’s a voice coming from the kitchen that sounds like ‘welcome back’ but you are not sure with all those wheezing noises the mixer made. Your father is baking and as much as you hate those cakes, it’s worth seeing your father again. You smile inwardly and abscond to your room before your father could finish his cakes. You still hate the cakes.

 

You put down your wizarding shenanigans on your bed and turn on your computer. You click an icon that let you chat with your alien god friends.

 

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

 

EB: karkat, guess what?

CG: IF THIS IS ONE OF YOUR ‘I LEARN A NEW MAGIC THINGY’ CRAP THEN I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT

EB: trolls exist!

CG: NOW, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?

CG: IS IT BECAUSE YOU USED TO PLAY AN APOCALYPTIC GAME THAT DESTROY MANY LIVES WITH THE HELP OF TROLLS?

CG: GEE, THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE BIT RIDICULOUS DON’T YOU THINK?

EB: no, not alien god trolls

EB: magical trolls! like the one in humans stories!

CG: …

CG: OH HELL NO

CG: YOU MEAN THE ONE STRIDER TOLD US

CG: WHERE TROLLS ARE IDIOTIC CREATURES WITH OVERSIZED MUSCLES AND HIDE UNDER THE BRIDGE?

EB: well, I dunno about bridge, but yes, that’s pretty much it

CG: I’M GOING TO KILL STRIDER

EB: haha, you always said that!

 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB]

 

EB: karkat?

 

==> Be the idiotic creature with oversized muscles that hides under a bridge

YOU ARE NOT AN IDIOT! You are probably the smartest one in your circle of friends—or at least the one with the most common sense, same difference- and your muscles’ size is normal! Thank you very much! Not to mention, you live above the sky, on a meteor to be more specific.

 

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS. You are a GOD TROLL with the title KNIGHT OF BLOOD. You created this UNIVERSE with the help of eleven other god trolls and four idiotic HUMANS that refused their GODHOOD. You are currently watching some MAGIC TROLLS that you are pretty fucking sure were made by an ASSHOLE for the sake of IRONY.

 

Right now those magic trolls are hitting each other with their own clubs like stooges. Fuck, they act like Gamzee on sopor. Your platonic hatred for Strider just intensified, to the point you can burn him to crisp by just looking. You wish you can do it now. “Wwhat the hell are you wwatching?” Eridan floats to your side. “They look stupid.”

“Apparently, they are ‘magic’—“ As you make an air quote, the seadweller cut you off.

“Magic isn’t real.”

“Shut up and let me finish.” you glare at him. “They are ‘magic’ trolls that Strider made based on human’s fairytales.” Your usual creative swearing is gone, because the ugly expression on your face is enough to tell people how pissed off you are.

 

“You’vve gotta be fucking kidding me.”

“I’m not.” You reach for a microphone and begin to scream to it. “ATTENTION MAGGOTS!” your voice is reverberating throughout the whole place. “WHO’S GOING TO COME WITH ME TO RAISE SOME HELL?!”

 

==>

Days in the future, and obviously not many since it’s has only been days…

 

The whole school is buzzing in excitement for another year at Hogwarts. After the usual sorting and clapping, Headmistress McGonagall is about to make her speech when a strange green light appear on the ceiling. Everyone stares in shock as something big is thrown away from it. Yelps and screams can be heard when they realize that the ‘thing’ is actually a grown up troll, bruised and bloodied… and wearing a shade? Okay… what?

 

Then their attention shift to the light again as it takes shape of multiple winged humanoid figures. At first it looks like fairies, but then fairies aren’t as big as humans nor do they have the power to beat a troll. The light fades and now they can see grey skinned creatures with candy corn horn and insect wings. Those creatures look like a bunch of sixteen years old teenagers playing dress up for Halloween.

 

The one at the front starts to yell at the Hogwarts residents. “ALRIGHT YOU WORTHLESS HUMANS! AND BY WORTHLESS I MEAN YOU STRIDER!”

Chapter Text

Your name is JAMES SIRIUS POTTER and right now you are inexplicably JEALOUS of one of your housemate's PRANK. Seriously, a full grown troll with shades ((that you are sure representing a certain someone from Hufflepuff)) got beaten by oversized fairies? You begrudgingly admit that JOHN EGBERT deserves the title of MASTER PRANKSTER. But you aren't worried though, you are sure that you can snatch that title away from him and continue your uncles' LEGACY.

==>James: Observe the illusion

Of course it’s all an illusion! There’s no way John can get his hands on the real thing! You watch in amusement as the fairy with the only dragonfly wings is hurling some creative insults ((what the bloody hell is a seedflap?)) and demanding Strider to come out. You tilt your head and glance at him. Being a ‘coolkid’ he is ((Hah! More like an insufferable prick!)) He just folds his arms and smirks. “Dave!” The fairy with red glasses pushes the dragonfly fairy out of his ((wait, it has boobs)) err, her way to his table.

“You are covered in honey!” She cackles Not a second away, another fairy with a sun symbol also pushes the irate fairy who just recovers.
"Joooooooohn!" The yellow clothed fairy dashes forward and hurls John to the ground, sending the pudding that he was eating everywhere.
“Vriska! I miss you!” John smiles widely as she snuggles to him.

"Eww!" Your brother, Al, makes a disgusted sound next to you. “Gross!”
At first you thought he's referring to John's snuggling, turns out he sees the red glasses fairy licking Strider's shades. "We've got a bunch of wrigglers here TZ, let's keep the rating PG." Strider is fending off the fairy with his hands; more specifically he's fending off her tongue.
The fairy ((Teezee?)) cackles, "But you smell so delicious!"
"Oh, for the love of-- That is NOT the reason we came here! You nooklicking exhibitionists!" The dragonfly fairy yells again, and your list of 'insults-that-I-need-to-find-out-the-meaning-for-various-purposes' grows.

While you wonder how John can pull this off, Headmistress McGonagall finally snaps. "What is the meaning of this?!"

==>Be Headmistress McGonagall

You are MINERVA MCGONAGALL the HEADMISTRESS of HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY. Currently, you are dealing with another prank by Mr. Egbert and/or Mr. Strider. At first, you thought that it is just a COMPLICATED ILLUSION CHARM, and you are rather impressed that a muggleborn third-year could do it. However, you are not impressed by the CUSSING coming from the oversized fairy's mouth. The moment it starts talking, you and several other Professors try to dispel it, only to find out that no spells are working. Either it's a very powerful illusion, or they are very much real. You don't like either option.

"What is the meaning of this?!" You finally snap.

==>McGonagall: Demand an explanation

"Mr. Egbert, Mr. Strider, I hope you have a good explanation for this!"

==>Be Mr. Egbert

You don’t have a good explanation for this, nor do you actually listen to your Professor. You are too busy catching up with Vriska.

==>Uuh, okay then, how about Mr. Strider?

Nope, too busy protecting your eyes from Ms. Lickatung over here.

==>Very well, there must be someone that can explain right?

Indeed. Your name is ROSE LALONDE, and you know this is going to happen, sooner or later. You use your handkerchief to wipe your mouth even though you don't need to. You call it table manners, Dave and John call it 'Pureblood Snobbery'. “Excuse me Headmistress, I believe I have an explanation for this.” You say it as politely as possible, “But I cannot say it in public.”

Professor McGonagall glances at you and nod, “Very well, we will continue in my office.”
You tilt your head slightly in confirmation before turning to your friends. “John, Dave, if you would stop snogging with Serket and Pyrope respectively and join us?”
“Hey, I'm not the one using their tong-- you know what? Never mind... TZ, tongue off please.” Apparently, Dave learns how to hold back his innuendos around you, smart boy.
You hear Vantas mutters something that sounds suspiciously like, “Thank Gog for that...”
“Alright everyone, chop chop.” You clap your hands, motioning for the Trolls to follow you. You notice that Kanaya doesn't come, only Karkat, Vriska, Terezi, and Eridan. You pretend to not notice the last troll (who is currently eyeing you).

“Hold the fuck up Lalon--.”
“Is there a problem Karkat?” Jade interrupts the Knight of Blood, who shrinks away under her glare.
“Uuuh, no?” “Yeah, I thought so.” Jade smiles triumphantly. “let's go!”

==>McGonagall: Lead them to your office

Three of the unknown beings decide to walk together with you instead of hovering in air. Only the one with puffed pants still use his wings. “So, Wwizard huh?” His sneer and condescending tone remind you of a young Draco Malfoy. “You must be pretty rich from scamming a lot of people.”
You tilts your head at him and raise an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”
“Come on old hag, evverybody knowws that magic is a load of hoofbeastshit! Wwell, except for those gullible wwrigglers back there.”
“Eridan, rude!” Ms. Harley chides him. “And for your information, magic is very real! You are just not around to witness it!”

“Jade, please.” Eridan snorts.
“Eridan, please.” Ms. Harley sticks her tongue out.
You frowns at the floating being. What did he means by 'magic is hoofbeastshit?' everybody knows magic exists except for muggle! They are certainly not muggle, but are they not magic?

“Any of you nookstains want to explain why we are standing in front of a fucking statue?” You twitch at the rude words, though you are glad that he doesn't shout it.
“It's a Gargoyle!” Mr. Egbert beams. “And it's really cool too! Just watch!”
“Fizzing Whizbee.” The gargoyle leaps out of the way after you says the password. You stick with using sweets as passwords out of sentimentality.

“Huh, a robot... of course.”
“No, Eridan... that's magic!” Ms. Harley retorts.
“Yeah right!”

You clear your throat, gaining their attention. “Ms. Harley.... and... Mr. Eridan was it? If you would please stop your bickering and go into my office?” The Ravenclaw girl flushes and apologize to you, while Eridan floats down to the ground. After everyone is in your office, you finally get down to bussiness.

==>Rose: Get down to bussiness.
“I will not beat around the bush and tell you who they are. This is Vriska Serket.”


“Terezi Pyrope.”

“Karkat Vantas.”

“And Eridan Ampora.”

“They are aliens.”