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Accidental Fatherhood - ficlets

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Rule One:
If you pull up outside our hotel and honk, you'd better be delivering a package or warning us about the next apocalypse, because you're sure as bloody hell not picking anything up…Wanker.

”I’m not ready!” Kathy almost yelled as she stuck her head out of the bathroom door. Her dark eyes were shining and she was pinning her hair up with a beautiful hair comb with little green and blue butterflies on it.

”Bloody hell, Bit.” Spike grumbled as he heard the car honking outside the hotel ”You’ve been in there for three hours.”

”Just two more minutes,” she whined and closed the door.

Spike growled as he descended the stairs and met Xander in the lobby. The dark-haired man looked up at the snarling and cursing vampire.

”What’s going on?” Xander asked and put down the katana sword he had been polishing.

”Bit’s date is here,” Spike said.

”That’s him honking like an idiot out there?” Xander said and put the sword down on the couch. ”Who the hell does he think he’s picking up?” Xander looked back down at the sword as if contemplating picking it up again.

”That some kind of ritualistic sword, that?” Spike pointed at the sword. It was gleaming in the light of the overhead lamps.

”Naw, I just like the way it looks. Ninja, you know?” Xander grinned and made a silly chopping ninja move with his hands.

”Mind if I borrow it?” Spike said picking it up and trying out its weight in his hand.

”Nope,” Xander shook his head.


Where the hell was that chick?

Sure she was good looking with that hair and those boobs but it wasn’t like he couldn’t just have asked out some other girl.

”Come on girl,” Patrick mumbled and honked again ”What’s taking you so fucking long.”

He slammed the heal of his palm down on the steering wheel again. The second his hand moved away it was replaced by a long thin sword that went right through the fine leather of the steering wheel. It stopped a few inches from his right kneecap. For a second Patrick just sat there and stared at the quivering weapon.

”Fuck!” Patrick mumbled and looked up into blue eyes.

”Seems ya have a problem with ya car there,” the blond man said and pointed helpfully at the sword.

”I-I-I-I,” Patrick stuttered.

”Speech impaired as well,” the man said and patted Patrick’s shoulder ”Maybe I should call the tow truck for ya?”

”N-no…I…I…better d-do that, t-t-thanks,” Patrick mumbled and stared at the sword and then at the man.

”Naw. Don’t ya thank me. I’ll just go tell Kathy that ya couldn’t make it, yeah. Had ta go visit some aunt of yours,” the man looked at him as if expecting some kind of answer.

Patrick nodded.


Rule Two:
You do not touch my son in front of me. You may glance at him, so long as you do not peer at anything below his neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my son’s body, I will remove them for you right here-and-now. With a chainsaw.

”So you’re Tommy,” Xander said and looked at the grinning fool in front of him.

”Yeah,” the boy, who was apparently Tommy, nodded.

”He’s in a band,” Jesse said eagerly and seemed to bounce on his feet. Xander looked from his son to the grinning Tommy.

”A band?” Xander said.

”Yeah,” Tommy nodded.

”And what, pray tell, is the name of that band?” Xander asked and tilted his head. Cordy snorted from somewhere behind him.

”Piss In Your Ear,” Tommy said proudly.

”I’m sorry, what?” Angel said as he came out of the kitchen.

”The band,” Tommy smiled brightly ”It’s called Piss In Your Ear.”

Angel scowled and looked at Xander. Xander didn’t notice. He was far too busy noticing Tommy’s hand cupping Jesse’s butt.

”Angel why don’t you help Jesse get the car ready,” Xander mumbled, his eyes glued to the hand grabbing his son. Angel nodded and Jesse ran after his father down to the underground garage. Xander followed his son’s departure with a frown on his face.

”Why don’t you come over here with me…Tommy,” Xander said and grabbed the grinning teenager by the upper arm and dragged him over to the corner. Xander moved so fast Tommy almost tripped. It was only the death grip around his arm that prevented it.

”You see this?” Xander asked unnecessarily and pointed at the huge, beautifully carved, closet.

”Yeah,” Tommy nodded feeling a little uncomfortable.

”I made it,” Xander said, let go of Tommy and reached out opening the two doors. Inside swords and crossbows were mounted on special hooks, especially made for each weapon.

”See that?” Xander asked and pointed at a chainsaw sitting at the bottom of the closet. Tommy’s grin was completely gone and he swallowed as he nodded. His eyes shifting from the chainsaw to Xander.

”Do I need to say more?” Xander asked and looked at the lead singer from the band Piss In Your Ear.

The lead singer shook his head.

”Good,” Xander smiled and closed the closet doors.


Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off the hips. Those who do this are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded, I didn’t survive 250 years by being incapable of changing, so here's the deal: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your pants securely in place around your waist. If that isn’t enough I know a witch that could shrink your pants so much you’d never get them off.

“Floppy?” Angel said and looked at the pierced kid standing in front of him. The boy’s pants were far too big for him and he kept pulling them up whenever they seemed to be falling off his slim hips.

“Yeah,” the kid said “All my friends call me Floppy,” the boy pulled his pants up.

“I’m not your friend,” Angel pointed out. Floppy opened his mouth then looked uncertain and mumbled

“Conrad…my name’s Conrad,” Conrad, formerly known as Floppy, admitted.

“Okay,” Angel said and frowned when Conrad’s pants slowly slid lower and lower until Angel could see that his underwear had the words spank that bitch printed all over them in different colours.

“You need to borrow a belt,” Angel said.

“Naw, man. That’s all right,” Conrad shook his head and smiled.

“I wasn’t asking,” Angel said.

“Oh…um…,” Conrad looked puzzled.

“I have a staple gun,” Xander said from the couch. Conrad went very pale.

“S-s-staple gun?” the kid asked and looked over at Kathy’s other father.

“Um…I-I would like to borrow a belt…sir,” Conrad said when he saw Xander slowly getting up from the couch.