Xander closed his eyes. He’d just rest his eyes for a second. Just a few minutes, then he would drag his tired ass to bed. Just a few…a hard knock on the front door made him jump and sit up. He squinted through the darkness at the door. He could faintly hear mumbling voices.
He stumbled from the couch to the hall way and turned the light on. Whoever was standing out there knocked again. Xander fished a stake out of his back pocket and opened the door.
“What the…” was all he managed to say before four of the five men standing out side his door pushed past him and into the apartment.
“Hey man this is like totally cool, way with the coolness,” the skinny one said and turned around. He grinned at Xander and bounced over to him.
“What?” Xander squeaked and stared at the skinny kid.
“Oh…” one of the other men said as he rubbed at a bruise on his cheek. His shoulders were slumped and his eyes were lowered, “This is nice. Nothing like my basement.”
“Y-your basement?” Xander stammered.
“Yeah…” the man sighed dramatically, “It’s okay I guess. The cold concrete floor is kinda hard though.”
“You could just not sit on the floor then,” the skinny kid suggested, “Way with the stupi…Hey!” the kid was shoved further into the living room by the man with the green glowing eyes.
“Pack! Need my pack,” he started sniffing Xander, “Mate?” the green eyed one asked.
“No way!” Xander said and took a step back.
“Hey you bastards!” the pale leather clad one still standing outside the door said, “Invite me the fuck in!”
“Do I look stupid?” the kid asked and snorted, “Like I’d invite you in,” he rolled his eyes.
“In,” the green eyed one muttered, “Come in, pack, mate, pack, in, in, in.”
“Thanks, man,” the pale one said and swaggered inside. He eyed Xander and licked his lips, “You look big and healthy. Bet you taste good too.”
“Talk to the sock puppet,” the skinny kid said and held a hand up.
“What the fuck is going on here!” Xander finally yelled when the green eyed one started sniffing his butt.
“What? They didn’t tell you?” the pale one vamped out and shook his head, “Useless Powers That Suck.”
“Ha!” the kid laughed, “Powers That Suck and you’re like a vamp, that’s just so totally funny.”
“Time out!” Xander pushed the butt sniffing man away, “Time the fuck out! What the hell is going on!”
“It’s the convention,” the only one of the men that had remained silent said and looked uncomfortable.
“The convention?” Xander looked around the room at the dark haired men, “The convention of what?”
“Of fiction Xanders,” the quiet one said.
“Fiction?” Xander gaped.
“Ficcccccctiiiioooooon,” the green eyed one growled and started licking the skinny kid’s neck.
“Ew! Gross!” the kid rubbed at the wet skin with his hand.
“Who are you guys?” Xander looked at the men.
“Well,” the vampire said, “Obviously I’m Vamp!Xander. I’m sexy and wear leather,” he patted his own crotch, “I get laid all the time.”
“Hi,” the kid waved at Xander, “I’m Teenage!Xander but I’m not necessarily a teenager.”
“I don’t get that,” Xander said and slumped down on the couch. The green eyed one curled up next to him and rested his head on Xander‘s shoulder.
“Well,” Teenage!Xander shrugged, “Sometimes I’m like thirty and I’m still this skinny and I still talk weird.”
“Who’s he?” Xander pointed at the quiet one.
“I’m um…um…I’m Chubby!Xander,” the slightly overweight man mumbled and looked uncomfortable, “I don’t really get around much.”
“Too fat,” the one curled up on the couch growled.
“Fuck you!” Chubby!Xander stomped his foot, “I can’t help it if the writers prefer you guys.”
“I’d write about me as well,” Vamp!Xander grinned and licked his fangs, “I’m damn sexy and I like to kill people in cruel and creative ways.”
“So I guess you’re the hyena?” Xander asked the one curled up next to him.
“Hyena!Xander,” Hyena!Xander growled, “Need pack, need mate.”
“Yeah, yeah,” the skinny kid said and shook his head, “That’s all you’ve been talking about all freaking day.”
“I’m hungry,” Vamp!Xander said.
“Stop looking at my neck!” Teenage!Xander whined, “I told you to eat before we drove over here.”
“I could eat too,” Chubby!Xander agreed, “Hey, Xander? Do you have some Twinkies?”
“Wait, wait,” Xander got off the couch, “Who’s he?” Xander pointed at the man with the slumped shoulders and the shifty eyes.
“Oh,” Vamp!Xander groaned, “That’s Abused!Xander.”
“Yeah,” Chubby!Xander nodded, “He’s such a drag.”
“My father did this to me,” Teenage!Xander mock whined, “My daddy kicks my ass and rapes me ten time a day. Oh buuu huuu!”
“W-well he does,” Abused!Xander crossed his arms.
“He does?” Xander looked at the bruised man.
“You should see the whip marks he has on his ass,” Vamp!Xander said admiringly, “Pretty good work, actually.”
“Ew!” Teenage!Xander shivered, “Too much with the grossness.”
“So do you have snacks, “Chubby!Xander asked and looked around the living room.
“Snacks?” Xander asked disorientated.
“Yeah,” Vamp!Xander slapped Chubby!Xander on the back, “Like virgins or maybe a slayer. I could eat a slayer.”
A sharp knock on the front door made Xander turn around and stare fixedly at it.
“That’s gotta be the others,” Abused!Xander said, “Could you open the door, Teenage!Xander? My dad broke my wrists yesterday so…”
“Others?” Xander grabbed on to Teenage!Xander’s shoulder, stopping him on his way to the front door, “There’re others?”
“Soldier!Xander said he’d be coming and Stripper!Xander…” Teenage!Xander counted them off on his fingers.
“Stripper!Xander?” Xander gulped.
“Stripper!” Hyena!Xander growled and started humping the couch.
“I’m so not sitting there,” Teenage!Xander made a face.
“Hey, Hyena,” Vamp!Xander called, “I’ve got something you can hump right here,” he pointed down at his crotch.
“Oh. My. God.” Xander mumbled.
“Is Slashy!Xander coming too?” Chubby!Xander asked.
“He’s coming later,” Vamp!Xander moaned as he humped against Hyena!Xander, “He’s bringing Angel, Spike, Giles, Andrew, Riley, Graham and Jesse with him.”
“What about Dracula?” Teenage!Xander asked and looked disappointed, “Isn‘t he bringing him this year?”
“Open this door right now!” a commanding voice demanded from the other side of the front door.
“Man, I better go open it,” Abused!Xander limped over to the door, “Last time he got pissed off he made us do push ups for an hour.”