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House Rules

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Going to shop. Move container of cockroaches out of fridge before I get back or hell to pay. John

Nowhere else cold enough. SH

I’m sure clever old you can work it out. The roaches go. John

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Put roaches on your bed. Put cigarettes down the garbage disposal. John

The roaches stay. Need to see if Madagascar hissing cockroaches continue to produce sound in colder temperatures. SH

Yes. Yes they do. Put them in Mrs. Hudson’s fridge and I’ll go for the nicotine patches. John

Fine. SH

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Points for creativity, though the tub looks like something you’d wake up in with a kidney gone. Too bad about the leaky container there. Wonder how that happened. Roaches all dead? John

Yes. SH

Those ones are. SH

I know roughly 42 ways to kill you with my bare hands, I am armed, I literally know where you sleep and I spend a lot of time with my teeth in close proximity to your cock. Do not test me, Sherlock Holmes. John

Tragically did not check the oven before preheating it. Dinner options: cockroach flambe or takeout. Your choice. John

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KITCHEN REFRIGERATOR/FREEZER GUIDELINES

  1. No live animals (including insects&arachnids) regardless of containment
  2. No samples of harmful viruses/bacteria, also regardless of containment
  3. Nothing intentionally created to serve as a poison, paralytic, sedative, or really anything that has the potential of seriously harming or killing a normal adult human being if consumed
  4. Dead body parts (human or other animal) must be kept in clearly labeled, opaque, airtight containers in plain sight
  5. No spiders of any kind at all whatsoever for the duration of eternity unless Sherlock Holmes has a deathwish and/or never wants to have sex again ever
  6. The rules about dead body parts also apply to bodily fluids of any kind
  7. Sherlock Holmes will abide by these rules or suffer the consequences. Consequences in this case will consist of both the binning of the offending item(s) and his boyfriend moving his pretty arse back to the upstairs bedroom for no less than a week, during which Sherlock Holmes may stew in sexual frustration and think about what he’s done.

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Fuck you. Fuck you. FUCK YOU. John

More accurately, don’t. “Fucking” is not a thing you will be so much as thinking about for some time. John

Thinking maybe. Wishing. Fruitlessly. John

You are a cock. John

I hate you. John

There is absolutely no case you could possibly have on involving a fucking camel spider. None. They’re not even native. John

Therefore, the only possible reason you could have for letting a BLOODY CAMEL SPIDER LOOSE in the FUCKING REFRIGERATOR where I keep the SODDING FOOD is just to test me. Consider me tested. VERY VERY TESTED. John

I’ve never heard a man make that sound before. SH

Thankfully I recorded it to cross-reference later. SH

Your ability to construct sentences seems to deteriorate when startled, though the...shall we say color? of your language increases significantly. Further experimentation may be required. SH

Any further experimentation involving vengeful foot-long biting Afghan death-spiders will end with my foot through your face. John

How did you communicate with people before text messaging? John

How do you have a blog when you still type with two fingers? SH

You utter bastard. I will set your coat on fire. John

Should catch better than cockroaches. SH

If that’s a guilt ploy it’s poorly aimed. Enjoy your bed, as I shan’t be in it. John

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Either there are two or the first one didn’t die when I threw your shoe at it. That is definitely a possibility. John

Problem? SH

Wait, my shoe? SH

Yes. To both. John

Oh, are you perhaps stuck in the loo? SH

Fuck. You. Get rid of it. John

I shall consider it. SH

Sherlock Holmes. If Satan’s favorite arachnid is not gone in fifteen minutes, I will phone Mycroft and tell him we are official. John

You wouldn’t. SH

I would. John

You’d end up admitting to your crippling arachnophobia. To my brother. SH

Worth it. John

And it’s not crippling except in the case of spiders big enough to eat a hamster, thank you very much. John

Not to mention exposing our relationship to the possibility of his interference. SH

Sherlock, Mycroft has been “interfering” in our relationship since before there was one. Now he’ll merely be focusing on you twice as hard. Probably dropping by on occasion, even. John

I’ll get rid of it. SH

Thank you. John

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I couldn’t catch it. SH

What. John

It seems to have recognized the kitchen as its territory and is defending it appropriately. SH

Solifugae daesiidae can run at speeds of up to 16KPH. SH

Yes, I learned that in Afghanistan when one chased half my squadron onto the tables in the mess hall. John

Logical. Climbing the table doesn’t seem to have occurred to it. SH

You’re on the table. John

Yes. SH

What? SH

They bite when threatened. It’s not poisonous, but I’ve no desire to put up with it. SH

WHAT? SH

Brave Sherlock Holmes, defender of the law, treed by a spider. John

If I wanted, I could hide your body where they would never find it. SH

Did you squeal like a little girl? John, come and kill the nasty, scary spider for me? John

Need I remind you that I was not the one who responded by rattling off a list of rather sacrilegious and inappropriate things about the twelve Apostles? SH

Oh, that doesn’t even matter now. Sherlock Holmes is on a table, because there is a scary spider on the floor. John

If only I were able to take a photo. John

Wait! I bet know who probably has a photo, since chances are he’s got cameras trained on our flat at all times. John

He hasn’t. I check. SH

Damn. There goes my birthday present for Lestrade. John

You brought this on yourself. John

So is there a plan of action for neutralizing the fuzzy eight-legged threat? John

No. SH

Oh, I see. You’re going to sulk now. John

This whole situation is literally entirely your fault. I hope you realize that. John

I’m calling Mrs. Hudson. John

You’re not. She’s more frightened of spiders than you are. SH

Lestrade then. John

You value his respect too much. It’s important for your sense of masculinity, already stretched thin by the fact that you’ve found you enjoy being the receptive partner in anal sex. SH

It’s been at least an hour since I reminded you that you are a bastard. John

Never mind. I’ve a plan now. SH

That should be a relief. It’s not. Really, really not. John

Sherlock. John

Sherlock. John

SHERLOCK. John

It’s dead this time. I checked. SH

I would hope so, if that noise was what I thought it was. John

It was. SH

Coming out. We’re having a talk. John

Is the embargo on sex still in place? I did kill it. SH

Oh, yes. Perhaps doubly so. John

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JOHN’S GUN IS NOT FOR:

  1. Shooting the walls
  2. Shooting the furniture
  3. Shooting up into the air in a city center, regardless of whether or not your goal is to attract attention and police
  4. Scratching the back of your head
  5. Gesturing dramatically
  6. Use in bed
  7. Shooting creatures that you brought into the flat your own goddamn self (including, but not limited to, camel spiders)