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Harold and Kumar and Maria and Vanessa Go to Bed. Together.

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Kumar is, unsurprisingly, high on the night he turns to Harold and says, "Our girlfriends should have sex."

Harold's mind goes to a very happy place. Still, he's not so far gone himself that he can't point out, "Even if they did, they'd never let you watch."

"Us watch," Kumar says automatically. "C'mon, Roldie, as if I'd leave you out of that kind of action, like you were some kind of unwanted puppy at the petstore." He brings his hands up under his chin and whines mournfully in a way that 1) bears no resemblance to the sound any dog--abandoned or otherwise--would make, and 2) is in no way representative of Harold's emotional state ever.

"Whatever, man," Harold says. "Either way, you know they wouldn't go for doing it with an audience."

"But if they did, you'd be into that, right? Speaking purely hypothetically," Kumar persists.

"Speaking hypothetically, yes. Of course. But it's never gonna happen."

"That's all I wanted to know," Kumar says. There's a brief lull in their conversation, punctuated by the overly-earnest murmurs from the bleached blonde on the Home Shopping Network, and then Kumar says, "I want pizza. You want pizza?"

"Pizza," Harold says, already digging through their stack of takeout menus. And wherever they order from had just better have fried mushrooms.


The four of them have a date to meet for drinks the next night, because Harold is the luckiest bastard ever and managed to score a girlfriend who is not only hot and sweet and wonderful, but who also thinks Kumar is less obnoxious than he is funny. Unlike every single other woman Harold has gotten to go out with him.

Naturally, because Kumar has never learned that certain things are awesome to contemplate while stoned and less awesome to discuss with one's girlfriends, the first thing he says when they've taken their seats is, "Harold and I were wondering how you girls would rate lesbian experimentation, on a scale from one to fucking awesome."

Harold braces for the screaming and/or flinging of ice water.

Instead, Maria and Vanessa exchange a look that seems less offended and more...knowing. This interpretation is born out by Vanessa saying, "We wondered when you two would get around to asking about that."

"Yeah?" Kumar says, already grinning, too stupidly optimistic to realize that there are a lot of directions for this conversation to go that aren't And we think it's a great idea.

"We think it's a great idea," Maria says.

"Really?" Harold blurts out, voice cracking embarrassingly in the middle of the word. Kumar looks disturbingly as if he's just come in his pants at the thought.

"If," Vanessa says, "the two of you do the same."

"...Excuse me?"

"Well, it's not like Vanessa isn't totally hot," Maria explains. (Vanessa grins and mouths, "Thanks," at her.) "But I still want something more out of it than that."

"And your idea of appropriate compensation is for us--" Harold points at Kumar and then himself, "--to..."

He can't even finish that sentence, but Maria and Vanessa both nod firmly.

Kumar shrugs. "I think that sounds very reason--"

"No," Harold says quickly. "Thank you. But, no."

Kumar makes a what the fuck? face at him, but Harold glares at him and shakes his head, and Kumar thankfully lets the matter drop, though he sulks into his onion rings for the rest of the night.


"What the fuck?" Kumar demands.

Harold flails a little and nearly tumbles off his bed, rescued at the last second by Kumar hauling him back with a hand around his chest. "What are you doing in my bed?"

"Berating you for being a moron. How could you turn that offer down? They agreed, we were so close to being witness to the hottest event of the millennium, and you seriously said 'no'?"

Harold sighs and drops his head back on his pillow. "I said 'no' because I don't want to have sex with you, even if my reward is the hottest event of the millennium."

"I don't think they're expecting anal. A little makeout, a couple handjobs, maybe a blowjob or two, and we're done. You're saying you can't do that for your best friend?"

"How are you not as disturbed by this as I am?" Harold asks, staring at Kumar with undisguised horror. "'A blowjob or two'? Are you even listening to yourself?"

"Okay, how's this? I'll blow you, and you can just jack me off. And then we can watch Maria and Vanessa having sex, which, frankly, I think is worth more of a sacrifice than that." Harold opens his mouth to protest further, but Kumar says quickly, "And you know I'm not going to let up until you agree, so you might as well do it now, while I'm offering to be the one who has to put someone's dick in his mouth."

Which is both disgusting and true, so Harold says, "Fuck. All right," and shoves Kumar out of his bed.


There's a bad, shameful part of Harold that was hoping that he and Kumar could watch Maria and Vanessa together and then join them on the bed, and that the resultant foursome could count as the "Harold and Kumar have sex" part of the evening.

Unfortunately, Maria and Vanessa seem to have had the same thought and decided to prevent it from happening. As soon as all four of them are in Maria's bedroom, its king-sized bed made with the soft blue sheets that are Harold's favorites, she and Vanessa push Harold and Kumar towards the bed.

"We'll just sit here and watch for a bit," Vanessa says, pulling Maria into the papasan chair with her.

Harold stares at the bed, and then at Kumar, wondering a little hysterically if it's too late to back out now and how dead Kumar will kill him if he tries.

"Hey," Kumar says softly, looking back at him, apparently tapping into one of his rare and annoying moments of perceptiveness. "It's just us. You're okay, Harold."

Ridiculously, that's all it takes to make him feel better. Harold's stomach is still tense and kind of nauseated, but he doesn't actually feel like he's about to hurl on Maria's fluffy, white rug anymore, and Kumar manages to take his hand and pull him onto the bed without a further show of reluctance on Harold's part.

"Get naked," Kumar says. He tugs his own shirt off and unzips his jeans.

Harold rolls his eyes, but starts unbuttoning his shirt. "That's your idea of seduction?" he asks. "'Get naked'? I seriously don't know how you ever get laid."

Kumar stops working on his pants and gives him a smile that would be almost sweet if it weren't coming from Kumar. "Yeah, well, you're a sure thing."

"I am not," Harold begins, indignantly, when Kumar reaches over and grabs his hands, then ducks to press his lips to Harold's. Harold freezes.

After a moment or two, Kumar pulls back a little. "You totally are, man. You can't resist me."

Harold glances over at Maria and Vanessa, who are watching with wide eyes and thrilled expressions, and resigns himself, yet again, to the fact that this is apparently his life. "I'm doing this for them, not you," he says, only half-lying, and gets five seconds to enjoy the kind of hilariously offended look on Kumar's face before Kumar kisses him again.

The kiss isn't really any better for being a second try, but Harold at least manages to kiss back this time. Kumar's cleanshaven, but Harold can still feel the prickle of incipient stubble, and Kumar's mouth is too big, and it's just weird.

"Relax, dude," Kumar whispers, right before he slips his tongue into Harold's mouth.

Harold makes a protesting noise into Kumar's mouth, which Kumar apparently interprets--correctly--as Get your fucking tongue out of my mouth before I bite it off, because he pulls away pretty quickly. He kisses down Harold's chest like a girl would. This gives Harold more time than he really needs to watch Kumar get closer and closer to his crotch, especially when Kumar has to pause to unbutton the last few buttons on Harold's shirt. And then Kumar's undoing Harold's pants, and Harold takes a deep breath and raises his hips so that Kumar can pull his pants and boxers down to his knees.

The blowjob is actually really good, though that might be because Harold spends most of it imagining that Kumar is a slightly younger Katarina Witt.

In any case, Harold comes, which he wasn't sure he'd be physically capable of, and he doesn't freak out too much when Kumar crawls up the bed to him and presses Harold's hand against his naked and undeniably hard dick. Harold squeezes it in his fist, and Kumar shudders all over. "When did you take your pants off?" he asks, in a fairly transparent effort to distract himself from the fact that he's holding another man's erection.

Kumar smirks down at him. "While you were blissed out on endorphins."

"You weren't that great," Harold says automatically.

"Apparently I was," Kumar says, and the smirk ratchets up several levels on the obnoxiousness scale. "Since it led to you losing time, fuck." --That last word in response to Harold's jacking him with greater enthusiasm. "Ooh, yeah. Just like that. Come on, baby."

Harold jerks his hand away, and Kumar fixes him with the most shocked and betrayed expression Harold has ever seen on him. Harold just smiles up at him. "Don't call me 'baby.'"

"Yes," Kumar says immediately. "I mean, no. Anything. I promise."

The last couple of sentences are uttered in a tone of voice that Harold can't help but believe; like, if he demanded that Kumar suck him off again, or put on a Catholic schoolgirl outfit, or, hell, mop the kitchen floor (which Harold hasn't gotten him to do once in all their years of being roommates), then Kumar would actually do it. Harold can't resist glancing over at Vanessa, because there's being led around by your dick, which Harold has experienced, mostly to his detriment, and then there's this. She grins smugly at him, and Harold congratulates himself on getting the nice girlfriend. At least, he does until he looks at Maria and sees a disturbingly envious look on her face, at which point he decides he's better off just concentrating on getting Kumar off.

Kumar moans appreciatively when Harold puts his hand back on his dick, and his hips thrust forward. Maria keeps moisturizer on her bedside table; Harold's never gotten up the courage to ask her if she really lotions her hands that frequently, or if she just likes having it available so that she can give handjobs without worrying that she might chafe her boyfriend's penis. It comes in handy now, though. He squirts some into his left hand and then slides his hand over Kumar's dick, two-fisting it for a few seconds until it's good and slick, and then going back to only using his right hand.

He's just thinking that handjobs are a lot more painful when you don't have any pleasurable sensations distracting you from the cramping in your arm, when Kumar makes a strangled sound and shoots come all over his chest. A little gets on Harold's hand, too, and he wipes it on Maria's sheets, and only belatedly feels guilty for that. Not that he hasn't gotten his come on her sheets a few dozen times, but somehow it seems different--ruder--when it's Kumar's.

Before he can decide if he needs to apologize or not, Maria's on the bed next to him, pressing kisses to his cheek and mouth. "Harold, that was amazing," she says. "I never thought you'd--but that was so hot."

Harold looks out of the corner of his eye and sees Kumar getting the same treatment from Vanessa. Kumar winks at him.

Eventually, Maria and Vanessa decide that the two of them deserve greater thanks than mere kisses, and Harold and Kumar get dispatched to the foot of the bed. Everything after that is a blur of naked girlflesh, and soft kisses on softer skin, and Maria and Vanessa touching and tasting pretty much every part of each other's bodies. At one point, Kumar grabs Harold's hand and says, "Hold me, Roldie," and Harold, watching wide-eyed as Maria licks Vanessa's clit while thrusting two fingers into her pussy and a thumb into her asshole, can't even draw the breath to mock him.

After Maria and Vanessa have had a couple of orgasms each, they all start to mix things up a bit. Eventually Harold ends up lying on his back, Maria straddling his face. She's hot and wet and delicious, and Vanessa's pussy is tight around his cock. He has one hand squeezing Maria's breast, and the other reaching around her to play with Vanessa's--unexpected, but completely awesome--nipple rings. And, yes, okay, he can feel Kumar's balls brushing against his as Kumar thrusts into Vanessa's ass. Under the circumstances, Harold doesn't think he can be blamed for enjoying that, as well.