1st June 2011
Mycroft just left, he told me what’s going on. Well, I say he told me what’s going on, he told me you were ‘undertaking some minor government errands’ which means you’re probably single-handedly bringing down some international crime syndicate.
Sounds fun, wish I was with you.
He also said that I could write to you once a week and he’d make sure they’d find you so I thought I’d start now, it’s either write or watch a Come Dine With Me repeat and it’s that god awful woman with the crystals again. I was going to suggest trying that new curry house down the road tonight but I guess that’ll have to wait. Since Mycroft suggested weekly letters I assume you’ll be gone a while.
Keep safe Sherlock.
P.S. Did you really leave in such a hurry that you couldn’t clean away the mildew-y feet in the fridge?
5th June 2011
Could you turn the feet over and take photographs or perhaps a few sketches? I’ll need to see them in your next correspondence. Things are going well though I could have done with your marksmanship on one occasion as I was feeling rather murderous towards an obnoxious teenager in a boat. Nothing to do with the case but not even her mother would have missed her.
Be warned that Mycroft will be reading our correspondence. Did that cream work oh dear brother? Must be rather distracting to have an itch there.
P.S. Don’t eat at that curry house. I have it on good authority that you’d be better off eating the feet.
8th June 2011
So you’re somewhere near a sea or river? Well, that’s no help at all really and I doubt Mycroft would let you tip me off to where you were.
The photographs are enclosed and you owe me a pint, it was truly horrendous. Lestrade told me about the case, if you’re going to make up a reason why there’s a body in your fridge then saying he was already dead when you fished him out of the Thames is an odd one. Odd enough to be true? Can I help?
Mrs Hudson sends her best, she’s become rather enamoured with the new postman, caught them making eyes at each other over her Woman’s Weekly subscription. Bumped into Molly the other day, she misses you and says she’ll keep the six toes guy on ice for as long as she can. Also, could you please be more careful about getting a rise out of Mycroft, I’m the one who has to look him in the eye. He says you’re keeping well, eating fairly regularly but I don’t know if that’s lip service. I don’t expect you to be any more honest.
It’s quiet here without you.
14th June 2011
Excuse my handwriting; I fell on my wrist two days ago. Before you fret there’s nothing broken, it’s just a sprain. I’m making good headway on the case; I anticipate it will wrap up sooner than most expected but that’s why they sent me. You would have enjoyed the past week, there was one particular moment which you would have found quite amusing involving a [REDACTED] and some [REDACTED] in a [REDACTED] but I can say little more than that.
You’ll be pleased to read that I am currently eating a lasagne as I write. Vile but edible. I have some tiramisu for dessert too, smells quite lovely. Would I lie to you? Well, yes. But not this time. See, I’ve smudged some sauce on the paper. Lick it; it’ll probably taste better after transit.
Enjoy the peace and quiet while you can, you’ll miss it when I return. Can you turn the feet again on the 17th? The case will solve itself.
18th June 2011
I’m bored. Nothing is happening. I’ve spent half an hour making up stuff that Mycroft redacted from your letter. Did it involve a ski jumper, some al dente spaghetti in a lift? Or perhaps a masseuse and some gerbils in a jail cell? I’m so bored. I’ve started talking to the skull like it’s you. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I miss you.
Solve the case, come home.
Oh, and I caught the postman leaving Mrs Hudson’s flat this morning. You do not want to know what they got up to. Hell, once you see the marks on him you’ll know every detail. I’ll never be late with the rent. Never.
Pictures of feet enclosed, you owe me another pint. Also, I see your wrist has improved but you shouldn’t over do it, keep it warm too.
P.S Were you ill after that lasagne? Your letter was growing.
22nd June 2011
With that said I shall continue. You should have received my gift this morning, I hope you enjoyed the experience and it relieved your boredom. I had asked Mycroft if you could join me but I’ll be done soon. I don’t know why I would take your missing me the wrong way; you’re one of the few people whose company I can actually tolerate for any length of time. Of course tolerance has its limits but you do better than most.
Tell Lestrade the body was in the Channel, not the Thames.
With regards, Sherlock
P.S. Yes I was ill. We’ll be skipping Angelo’s for a while.
22nd June 2011
ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?!
23rd June 2011
You may well receive this at the same time as my first letter. I got yours this morning, Mycroft redacted what you wrote to him but considering how tight his jaw was I figure it had the required effect. Don’t forget to tell me what you wrote one day.
Thank you for my ‘gift’ as you so elegantly put it. I’ve got a black eye, sore fists and a handful of bruises elsewhere but it was fantastic fun. You should have seen me, I knocked him clean off his motorcycle, I took him by surprise from the fire escape. I guess you had planned on me following him but the fight made up for the chase. Think I made a mess of his bike though; you might get billed for that. I think that was one of the most thoughtful gifts anyone has gotten me. I’d return the favour but you’re far too adept at getting into those situations naturally. I have include a bag of wine gums for you, only the red and black ones, I don’t know if you can get them where you are.
Lestrade says thank you and he arrested the social worker.
It’s still too quiet but I’m less bored.
28th June 2011
I’m glad to hear that my gift was appreciated. Apparently you’re ‘a fucking handful for a short bloke’ and I’m paying for his dental work as well as the bike. You also appeared to have ‘flown like a fucking ninja’, next time I’ll hire someone to film it too, make you a souvenir.
I’ve encountered some unexpected obstacles which has delayed the conclusion of the case. I was hoping to be home soon. Thank you for the wine gums, I have eaten far too many and now look five months pregnant thanks to the guar gum. Do you miss me now?
I must go, the [REDACTED].
REDACTIONS FOR JUNE:
As a bit of an easter egg the original version allowed you to highlight so you could see the redacted bits. As AO3 doesn't do this (it was complicated enough trying to figure out how to do it in word, hello black highlighter pen) I shall post the redactions in note bits like this.
From Sherlock to John 14th June...
You would have enjoyed the past week, there was one particular moment which you would have found quite amusing involving a flamingo and some illegal substance in a brothel but I can say little more than that.
From Sherlock to John 22nd June (Sherlock telling off Mycroft for reading his letters)
Redact another word Mycroft and I’ll make sure that Mummy knows exactly what you did to Humphrey. Fatty. Humphrey was their cat. Mycroft was fat. You can work out Humphrey's fate ;)
From Sherlock to John 28th June (Mycroft protecting John from worrying with this one)
I must go, the train is leaving and I need to post this before they catch up to me.
That's it for this one!