Luton Airport is an atrocity Crowley had no hand in the creation of, and for that matter is an atrocity for which he wants none of the credit. In this respect, as in so many others, it bears an uncanny resemblence to Milton Keynes.1
Heathrow Terminal 5, though! Now there was something to be proud of. Sleek and shining and somehow - ineffably - soul-destroying: a temple, as it were, to overpriced perfume and undersized drinks and soothing sculptures that were anything but and any number of other small steps towards acquiring less a tarnish and more a subtle patina of the soul. And all of that achieved before the Great Baggage Fiasco was even a twinkle in his eye.
So when It Happened, his reaction was perhaps a little more churlish than called for.
It Happened, as these things so often do, on a Sunday. He had been sauntering carefree through the shopping strip, taking great delight in FOUR TOBLERONE NOW ONLY £35, when he spotted It: a non-regulations-compliant but definitively airport-provided wheelchair. It looked, he thought sourly, almost comfortable. It was self-propelled, with nary an attendant in sight, and Its occupant was browsing a bookshop in a leisurely fashion, rather than being rushed by gloomy out-of-the-way back routes from check-in to security to monorail to gate.
The dead giveaway, though, was that It was upholstered in tartan.
In cheerful BA blue and red.
AND VERILY THE HOUSEPLANTS DID TREMBLE BEFORE HIS WRATH.
Crowley finally tracked him down behind a copy of yesterday's Guardian in the British Library tea rooms. Aziraphale emerged ink-stained and lightly rumpled. "Ah, Crowley, dear boy," he said, "any ideas on this one? Backer of good old coin, five letters."
This was summarily ignored. In point of fact, the crossword in question was crumpled underhand2 as Crowley loomed over the table. "Sssome things," he hissed, "were not meant to be... meddled with."
1 Viz, the fact that it's awful doesn't stop him reporting it as a success.
2 Perhaps lacking in drama, but no less effective than trampling underfoot.