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Special Touch - Hard Times

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Norman was sleeping on the sofa when I came downstairs, his angelic face soft for the first time in a while. The sunlight poured in through the floor-to-ceiling wall of glass but wasn’t shining on him, he was sleeping on his side avoiding the sun like a vampire. I tiptoed into the kitchen and grabbed a yogurt and a bottle of water then as quietly as I could I found my purse and shoes and snuck out the front door. I couldn’t bring myself to wake him, I sat on the landing and put on my sneakers then checked my phone one last time. I had texted Mandy when I got up, but this was about the time she was usually out on her morning run, I didn’t think I’d hear back from her for a while longer.

I realized it was going to be colder outside than I had thought and I hadn’t grabbed my coat, I could have gone back in and gotten it, but I didn’t want to wake him. I picked up my purse and headed down to the street ready to get out for a while and hide in my darkened massage room for a few hours. When I pushed open the front door I saw Paul waiting for me.

He jumped from the drivers seat and came around to open my door.

“What are you doing here?” I had been taking the subway to work lately, I had gotten so good at navigating that I no longer read the stops in panic wondering if I would miss mine.

He opened my door and waited for me to slide in. “He asked me to drive you to work today.” That’s all he said as he shut the door and went back around getting into to his side and pulled into traffic. “Did you want to stop and get breakfast?” He never looked back at me just focused on the road.

I was pulling my phone out again, “No, I’m good, just to the spa.” I looked down hoping for a reply that hadn’t come. The traffic was heavy which was no surprise and the buildings seemed to crawl by, not moving as quickly as I would have liked. I really enjoyed how fast the subway could take me most days. I was tempted to hop out at the next light but I knew Paul wouldn’t appreciate that. Leaning back, I let my head rest and my eyes close.

“We need to talk”, Norman’s face was impossible to read, there was nothing there I recognized. He had come down stairs from unpacking my things with a small handful of dirty clothes for the washer. I was plating the take out as he stood at the door frame in his bare feet.

The phone on my lap buzzed and I practically jumped.

I’m here – call me

Mandy’s reply had finally come through. I looked at the phone, then up to Paul and back to the phone. I’d wait till I was at work and had a little more privacy, not that Paul would say anything, but he never missed a thing that happened in the backseat. I watched the city crawl by and at some point, he turned on a country station and turned it up for me. I settled back clutching my phone, trying to relax.

He didn’t get out of the car or open the door for me rather just told me he’d be waiting at the end of the day, I didn’t bother to tell to tell him that he didn’t need to pick me up, he’d do it anyways. The spa was still in prep mode, rooms being set up and laundry in the works. I checked in and looked at my schedule, it was a moderate day, two appoints in the morning, four in the afternoon. I wouldn’t be done till six. I prepped my space turning on the low lighting, the electric blanket and tucking sheets into place. Then I sat on my rolling stool, took a breath and called Mandy.

“Hey girl, what’s going on?” I had texted her first thing this morning asking her to call me. The request was only unusual because of the time I had sent it.

It was great to hear her voice. “Hi, sorry to bother you so early.”

“It’s not bother, what’s going on?”

“I fucked up.” I barely heard the words come out of Norman’s mouth he had said them so softly. “You know I love you more than I have ever loved any woman.” He reached for my hand and held it, I think I could feel him shake just a little bit. I wanted to touch his cheek and tell him that everything was going to be just fine, but with that tone in his voice, I wasn’t so sure that everything would be.

I hadn’t cried once in the four days since we had stopped speaking but when Mandy asked me what was going on, the tears began to flow. There were no words, just sobbing as I tried to hold back but couldn’t any longer.

“Oh god Holly, what’s wrong, what happened?”

He had paused and I could tell he was trying to get the words right in his head before he spoke but I don’t think it helped, “While you were gone…” I knew instantly that whatever he had to say was going to upset me. “I was drunk and tired and…” There was no more looking at him, I pulled my hand back and turned away.

“I… he…. damn.” I tried to get something out of my mouth between the sobs but I couldn’t make it happen.

Mandy had a way about her, she hardly ever over reacted to things, “Holly. Stop. Breathe. Take a breath and just take your time. I’m here.” I loved that quality most about her.

I did exactly as she told me to, I stopped, took a deep breath and let the tears slow, I found my breath and I began to talk. “When I was home last week,” I had gone to Georgia for my mom’s birthday over the past weekend. “He was up here fucking some skank.” The words poured out of me completely off plan, I had rehearsed it more politely but it’s not how it came out of me. The tears still flowed but not as hard, I looked at the clock on my side table, I had an appointment in a little while.

“He WHAT?” Her voice cracked a bit at the end of her question.

I tried to be a little a little more diplomatic this time, “I’m sure she’s not a skank.”

“Who was she?” I barked out at him. I knew he had gone out this past week with an ex of his, one he assured me over and over I didn’t have to worry about. Hell, even the pic of them that popped up on social media hadn’t freaked me out.

“No one, just some chick.” He looked down at his feet then back up to my face quickly.

I was pacing now, pissed and pacing. “Your ex? You just couldn’t NOT fuck her could you?” I had never met her, but I had seen pictures of them together, walking the red carpet, modeling shows she had worked. I had seen something of them at a party together. She wasn’t afraid of the camera, she was willing to be on his arm in public. I knew that my hesitation for the lime-light was going to bite me in the ass someday.

We had been yelling for minutes now, well I had mostly. But he had raised his voice his fair share well. “NO! It wasn’t her it wasn’t anyone. Jesus, I hate this” He slammed his hand down on the table and grabbed for his cigarettes.

“So you fucked around on me for no one?” That might have been more hurtful than if he has slept with his ex.

I was finally done sobbing, now just sniffling and holding back the tears as much as I could. I knew that this type of crying would lead me to a headache that would last all day. “It was no one special, just someone from the show he had taped that morning.”

Mandy paused then started firing questions, “What show? Who? And do you want me to come there. No wait, come home Holly.” We had talked for a while last weekend how much she missed having me in Georgia all the time.

“Stop.” Now I was up again, pacing around the tiny, dimly lit massage room. The place that was supposed to be Zen and tranquil was not helping me at all. “He was on some morning show last week and she was the make-up girl or something.” Not the hair dresser that styled him for these events, this was someone who worked for the network, or so Norman had thought, he wasn’t even sure. “He did the show, then a bunch of people made plans for later and she was there or something, I’m not even sure. He said there was a bunch of people from the show and from his friends and people from a club or whatever.” My brain was scattered.

I really didn’t have a clear picture of how they had hooked up or even where exactly it had happened.

“Did you bring her back here?” The thought of him having sex in our house with someone else, someone not Andy, made me sick.

Norman dragged off his cigarette, “Shit, no. Fuck.” Apparently that thought bothered him as well. “At the bar.” He mumbled again and I wanted to scream at him for not speaking more clearly, but I held it in.

“Did you two talk about it?” She had calmed down, it wasn’t time to pounce on me for details and she knew it, she was a good friend.

I leaned against the edge of the table, “Yeah. Sorta. He told me about it and I yelled a lot. But that was Sunday night. I haven’t talked to him since.” The incident had happened the Friday I had flown to Geogia, we hadn’t talked that night because I knew he had the appearance and a busy day planned with promotional things. We talked just for a minute on Saturday, but I had been so focused on things going on with my parents, that I didn’t even realize he was holding something back from me. He had gushed at how much he missed and loved me, but I didn’t pay enough attention. Somewhere in there he had caught up with his ex girlfriend for dinner and a movie with mutual friends and then I was flying home. Text messages had gone back and forth and then Paul was picking me up at the airport while Norman was dropping his son back off to be with his mother.

“You haven’t talked in four days?” Her voice was genuinely concerned.

I shook my head, it had been the longest four days I could remember. I had spent them working, as did he, and avoiding each other for the most part. The first two days he texted me with his whereabouts and what time he would be home. I didn’t pay him the same courtesy, I hardly communicated at tall. “Not a word from me. Which isn’t fair considering I let our relationship get this way.” I had been beating myself up for days now over this fact.

“You didn’t cause him to screw around on you Holly. It’s not like you gave him permission to fuck around.”

“No, but it’s not like we haven’t done our fair share of fucking other people.” We were monogamous in one way but not by definition.

The line was silent then she spoke, “What?”

I had been letting the emotions flow too freely, she didn’t know about our adventures sex life and somehow I had let it all just come out in one careless comment. That was partly why I hadn’t spoken to Norman in days, I didn’t want to say something, well, something else, that was hurtful.

“You couldn’t go one day without getting your dick sucked?” He had told me it started with her dragging him into a bathroom at the club. He didn’t go into detail, he didn’t need to – my brain had done enough of that for both of us. I had been in a bathroom in a club with him before, I knew that blowjobs and face fucking were his favorite thing to do in that space.

He didn’t answer, it was most likely better that way. “She let you get all out of control and fuck her hard?” I had stormed over to the patio door and said it with my back to him. I think I was mad because he didn’t do that with me anymore, maybe he had found someone else to get out of control with now.

“Holly, you said you two weren’t open any more. You told me it was exclusive. So what are you talking about?” Mandy didn’t forget anything. “What is going on with you two?” She had looked at me crossways that time I had nonchalantly suggested that maybe Tom wanted her to try a threesome, I knew at that moment she was far too traditional for such things.

“Nothing, forget I said it.” Forget that I had said that our relationship was not one on one. If I only could, it’s all I had thought about these past days. How I had never actually asked him to commit to me, never demanded a ring or a marriage license. We shared lovers too comfortably sometimes. I was occasionally confused at what our relationship meant. He had watched me with Andy, not partaking, he simply let me have sex with another man. I had let him have sex with Gael in the same manner, separate from each other. I encouraged him to be with Andy whenever he wanted or needed to be. I never insisted on being there.

“Holly, I know you weren’t committed at the start, but I thought you were now. Has he done this before?” Her scope of relationships was different than mine.

The breath filled my lungs, “Sometimes we…. Invite other people to have sex with us.” I didn’t need to tell her this, I could have pushed it all a side, but I had been holding all of this in for so long, not telling my best friend about the best things that were happening with me.

“You what?” It was as hard for her to hear as it was for me to say.

“Not like strangers, people we know.” That was a lie, we had wrangled Jessie into our bed within hours of meeting her.

“People HE knows.” The normally non-judgmental Mandy was now judging and I couldn’t blame here. “You don’t know people that would do that.” She was partly right, but I had learned over time that what people do behind closed doors was varied and surprising. I was sure Mandy and I both knew swingers that kept their sex adventures quiet.

There was a knock at my room door, “Hang on Mandy.” I opened and Sarah told me that my first appointment was early. “Shit, I have to go. I just needed to talk to someone. Please don’t be freaked out.” I didn’t have time to hold her hand through this revelation.

“Call me later. I can take a few days off, come up and see you?” That was quite the offer considering she hated to leave Tom and wasn’t the biggest fan of New York City.

I told her I would be fine but that I wanted to talk more, I would call her soon. I wished she had been around for a hug.

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I worked on Donna, a regular that wasn’t big on chit chat and didn’t mind me working deep on her muscles, both of those were good things for me today. Clips of our Sunday night shouting match filled my head.

“I didn’t go looking for it, it just happened. Give me a break.” He was defensive for the first time. “Do you know how much pussy I turn down every day?” Norman wasn’t bragging, he was being honest. He was accessible to his fans, he met them at conventions, on the street, in airports and hotels. He never let security keep people away from him. And I had seen first hand how woman didn’t care if what they were offering was rude and offensive. Once a young woman had handed him a note on an airplane offering to help her earn her wings in the mile high club, she never acknowledged me or the fact that he had to let go of my hand to take the note. Conventions gave him a stack of room keys and more invites than I could count had been sent to him via Twitter. “I got drunk, I screwed up.” He wasn’t defending himself as much as he was stating fact.

Our relationship was one of the longest he had ever had, this much monogamy was unusual for him. He bored of stable relationships but I had always thought that the partners we had brought into our bed kept things fresh for him.

I had gone walking on my lunch break, window shopping and stopping purposely at a bookstore I knew that carried Norman’s photography book. I sought it out and held it.

“I guess I should have expected this, you can’t commit. I knew that.” There was no point in hashing out the details, he knew he wasn’t the long term kind of guy.

Norman had come up behind me and held my shoulders, looking at our reflection in the plate glass window. No other part of his body was touching me. “I didn’t used to commit.” He said it quietly. “You’ve changed me. You know that.” He let go of me and walked away. I wasn’t sure what I had expected in this fight.

I massaged Mrs. Weston with the same monthly chit chat about her vacations and her brood of Pomeranian's. I tried to stay focused, I knew whatever energy I had flowing would transfer to her. My fight with Norman wasn’t fair to customers and I tried hard not to let it effect me or my work.

The first two nights he had slept in his sons bedroom. It had been his choice and I was fine with that. Though sleeping in our bed without him wasn’t easy. I think I tossed more because he wasn’t there than because of the fight. The last two nights he had slept of the sofa. Coming in late and focusing on his phone while he waited for me to go to bed. He had stopped trying to make conversation with me Monday night.

I can’t say I knew exactly why I was mad. I had spent so long telling him that it was alright for him to sleep around and I had meant it. There had been no doubt that back then, my brain was wired differently. Maybe it was the shock of it all, I hadn’t seen it coming. If he had gone away for a weekend at a convention and come back with this same story it might not have had me so upset.

“Did you at least use a condom?” It had been a very long time since I had thought about STD’s. I was three steps up to the bedroom when I asked.

“Yeah.” He sounded beat down, I think we both were.

‘GET USED TO USING THEM!!’ had crossed my mind to snap at him. The thought of him bareback inside of me after being with someone unprotected scared me. But the idea of us breaking up was also in my head so condoms might be in his future anyways. I didn’t say it, I just went up to our bedroom and closed the door. I wasn’t locking him out, but I wasn’t inviting him in either.

By the time my day was over, I was exhausted. My head was pounding from the tears I had shed and I really didn’t feel any better than I had earlier. His angelic face this morning had made me smile, he hadn’t looked peaceful at all these past days. I knew he was putting on an act for every appearance he had made and if I had just been willing to talk, this might not have had to have been this way.

I was surprised when I went outside and Paul wasn’t waiting, I was tempted to walk to the subway, but I knew it would offend him and I had upset enough people this week. I sat on the half wall in the sun and waited for him, scrolling through the messages Norman had left me these past days. Sometimes he was trying to get into my good graces other times he was venting. I didn’t reply to many of them, but I was glad he was communicating, it was more than I was doing.

Norman: Im sorry.

Norman: I love you
Me:Love you too

Norman: Be home by 11

Norman: Youre not perfect either
Me:I know

Norman: Mine

Norman: I want to talk
Me: Cant yet.

Norman: xoxoxooxoxox

Norman: Home late. work

I didn’t know how much longer this silent treatment was going to last. It didn’t serve any purpose but to punish us both. Something needed to change, I needed to change. When I had been tempted to stray in the past it has scared me. But I didn’t think that it had affected Norman the same way. He had apologized and moved on. When I had let my mind got to places of infidelity, I had needed him to reclaim me; I didn’t think he needed the same thing. It was all strange. Maybe that was the difference between men and women.

Paul finally pulled up and I got into the back. I asked about his day and though I wanted to, I didn’t ask if he had been with Norman. I didn’t know what he was doing today. I knew he schedule was open from our joint calendar but he often had little things that weren’t listed there. He also hadn’t texted me today and I took that as a sign that he was simply tired of my bullshit and I couldn’t blame him. We were going to have to talk tonight. I was going to have to talk, to tell him that this was something we could get through.

Chapter Text

I hadn’t noticed that Paul was weaving an odd way through SoHo, not really getting to our apartment as directly as he could have but once I realized we had overshot the neighborhood completely, I asked where he was going.

Paul glanced at me in the rearview mirror, “I just do what I’m told.” He didn’t answer my question but at least I knew he was following instructions from Norman. “Don’t make me lie to you.” He smirked a little and I knew not to ask more questions. I watched as he texted, I would guess to Norman, he was very fast at texting while driving.

We turned into an industrial area and I had a fleeting fear that we were in a bad tv show and I was about to be whacked by the mob. He pulled up to the curb and I waited on his prompting. I was watching him, but he was looking at a building and then he pointed and I saw Norman standing in a doorway.

“Holly?” I met his gaze in the rearview again, “I really hope you guys work it out.” I had no idea how much Paul knew, sometimes he was Norman’s therapist, other times he just had a good sixth sense.

“Me too.” I really did want that. I didn’t think our relationship was over, I had never honestly thought that, but I didn’t know where this infidelity would take us. I grabbed my purse and opened the door, Norman didn’t move from the doorway, he just squinted in the sunlight and waited for me. It was dark behind him and I was nervous. That feeling you get when you’ve done something wrong as a child and you are waiting for punishment.

I met him at the door and he stepped aside letting me pass. Norman grabbed my bicep as I started by him and I turned, his lips brushed mine then he kissed my cheek. “Hi.” He was nervous too.

“Hi.” It was the first words I had uttered to him in days. “I’m sorry.” For putting him through all of this, for not being willing to talk sooner.

“Yeah.” He put his hand on the small of my back and stepped me into the darkened warehouse. I could smell paint and dirt, it was an odd space and he wandered me through the dimly light hallway and up a few steps till we were in a bright large room. It was empty for the most part, a work table in the middle but bare beyond that. There was scraps of paper on the work surface, a power drill and a box of screws, half of them were strewn around and an Starbucks cup that doubled as an ashtray.

“Norman.” I turned to him, we needed to talk, I needed to tell him that we would get through this. “I’m sorry for being a bitch.” That was as far as I had gotten in my little speech.

He smirked, “Yeah.” I’m sure he was agreeing that I had been a bitch. I went to say more but he stopped me. His finger to my lips as he pinned me between himself and the table. “I’m sorry.” He looked at me, through to my souls, “I love you and I’m sorry.” He kissed me. It was the sort of kiss that curled my toes and made be grab onto him to keep myself from falling over. Then he stopped. “Don’t expect you to just forgive me, I know I fucked up.” Then he let go of me and walked away. He started to one corner of the room and I looked along the wall as he went.

The brick wall was bisected by a large wooden beam that spanned the width of the room. Attached to the wide beam were pictures, dozens of them. Norman’s pictures, mostly black and white but some color. He looked over his shoulder and I walked to him. “This is us. This is me. It’s how you’ve changed me. And it’s everything I’m not willing to lose.” He reached out for my hand and pulled me close. I had missed his touch, we could go days without seeing each other, weeks even and it hadn’t affected me the way not touching him had these past four days. His big hand held mine, warm and gentle, reminding me of every way he touched me when he made love to me.

He stopped at the first picture, it was a selfie of us, standing on his back patio in Georgia. He wasn’t wearing a shirt and he was slightly less in shape than he was now. His hair was lighter and shorter and his body had a shine to it. I remembered this picture, it was taken on morning on my way out the door. It was one of the first times I had gone to his house to massage him, I was still lugging a table with me in my hatchback. He had pulled me into him, my back to his chest and his arm half hugging me.

“This is the first picture of us together.” He spoke and I tried to remember if he was correct, I thought there had been one at the diner before this I was sure he was right.

I smiled, “We both look so young.” His facial hair was cut close and there wasn’t a speck of grey to be found. I was curvier and my face was tight, I remember not being comfortable with him wrapped around me in such a way. Those early days before we had started having sex, I was nervous to be around him, but only when he was off the massage table. When he was laying there I always felt confident in my skill but when it was just us standing, butterflies filled my stomach most days. He had been this sweet old soul I had wanted to get to know better.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect him to have changed my life.

We strolled down the wall of photos. Most of them were of both of us, but some of them were solo photos. The wall told a story, the story of us and how we had come together. He had photos of us in bed, others sitting with friends at dinner or me doing house work. That was one I never knew he had taken. There was a picture of Norman sitting on set, a cigarette in one hand while he balanced his cross bow with the other and somehow managed to talk on the cell phone.

“Andy took this one, I was talking to you. You were out shopping with your mom and I was talking dirty to you.” I remembered to occasion, he had tried to get me to play with myself in a dressing room with my mom in the next stall over. I didn’t do it, but just the way he had whispered those ideas to me had turned me on beyond belief. “He had snapped it and I didn’t see it for a few days, but when he showed it to me, I knew exactly what I had been saying to you. I asked him to send it to me.”

There was one picture of me giving him a blow job, a point of view photo that was completely unrecognizable. You couldn’t see anything but my mass of hair and his thighs, it was a little grainy but it was beautiful.

There were so many that were just simple photos of us, talking at dinner, holding hands, a pile of our clothes in a laundry basket, day to day things I had never noticed he had taken pictures of. There was one of us out with his son at an art show, not a family photo as much as a show of how comfortable we all were together. Norman was in the middle but his sons hand had reached behind and was resting on my shoulder.

“You have all these pictures?” There were years’ worth of them. He nodded and rubbed at his chin. We had both changed in this time line, his hair had gotten darker for the show, more grey in his beard while his body became more defined over time. My hair had gone from long to medium, brown to chocolate. In some photos I was heavier than in others, my weight bouncing over time. Sometimes I looked nervous but more and more I looked confident and in a few we simply looked like two people in puppy love.

We got to the end of the line and we stopped. “I don’t want to lose all this Holly. I know I screwed up and I need to find a way for you to trust me again.” He took my face in his hand. “I was tempted and I was weak and I failed you.” It sounded rehearsed, but not in some artificial way. More as if he wanted to get the words right, I couldn’t fault him for scripting his emotions, I knew I would have flubbed it all if I had tried to wing it. Hell, I had tried to start an apology when I came in the door but I hadn’t gotten past the first line.

“But you are tempted every day. You’ve told me how many woman make passes at you, how many offers you get.” And I was sure he didn’t tell me about all the offers. “What made you give into this one?” I think that was the question that had come to me the most. He didn’t screw around with his ex, he had passed up offers with models he worked with, what was so fucking special about this random girl that made him give in.

He chewed at the side of his thumb for a second, he was processing the question. He was tired, I could tell it in his posture and in his face. I wasn’t sure how much sleep he had been getting, not that he ever really needed much.

“She was just right there.” He looked down at his boots then up at me, doing this thing with his lip that told me he knew it was a shitty answer, but it was an honest one. “You want me to be honest?” I wasn’t sure if I really wanted that but I nodded. “I was drunk, I wanted to fuck and she was offering. She pulled out a condom, put it in my hand and kissed my neck.” He wasn’t proud and he wasn’t trying to hurt me, Norman was just being straight with me.

For as wonderful as he was as a lover and a partner, he was still human and sometimes that meant he would fuck up.

“I’m sorry Holly, I…”

I put my hand up and stopped him. He didn’t need to keep apologizing.

“Norman, just stop.” I looked down the row of photographs in the make shift art gallery, our relationship spread out like a walk of memories. “Stop apologizing. I know you are sorry, we both are. There is no doubt about that. I’m sorry I’ve been such a bitch.” I stepped away. “I always knew that this would happen sometime, but I think I had gotten past thinking it would happen. I expected it, but I think I had pushed that expectation to the back and forgot about it.”

He looked pissed, “You expected me to be an asshole?” He stared me down.

God, I really did know how to put my foot in my mouth. “No, I don’t mean like that. I know how many woman you push away, I’m not stupid, I see them throw themselves at you.” I should have stopped talking but I didn’t. “I’m not mad that you cheated, you know my brain is wired wrong. I’m mad at myself because I didn’t see it coming.”

Norman turned around, lit a cigarette and walked to the wall of windows and just looked out. We were quiet and I went back to looking at the photos while he brooded at the glass. I was stuck on one photo, us holding hands on the back deck. The table between us with cocktails resting there. It was just a picture of our hands laced together, his star tattoo visible and my nails, though short for work, looked half way decent and polished for a change. The funny thing was, it wasn’t a selfie. It was a photo that his son had taken because he said he liked the color of my drink, he snapped the photo and then said our hands were in the way of the glass. But Norman wouldn’t let go of my hand, and I don’t’ think his son ever got the photo he really wanted.

He flicked the end of his cigarette onto the dirty floor and came up behind me and kissed my hair. “I know you’re brains all fucked up. I’ve known that from the start. Let’s go eat.” He took my hand. We hadn’t shared a meal in a week.

“What about all this.” I pointed to the pictures.

“I’ll clean it up when I get back in town next week.” He was going away to a convention. “I have the space for two weeks.”

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Norman headed south for a convention and I debating going with him, not that he asked. But that felt as if I was only offering to keep an eye on him and I didn’t want him to think that I didn’t trust him. Even though he had cheated I honestly didn’t think it would happen again. I saw the way he was tormented by what he had done and what he had confessed to me that I had nothing to be concerned about when he was gone this weekend.

He had slept back in bed with me that Thursday night before he left, there was still a huge gap between us, more emotional than physical but it had been there. Then I went with him to the airport and we kissed goodbye in the car. There was still something between us that needed to be fixed but that would have to wait until he came home to be fixed. Honestly I think most of it was how I had treated him, the way I yelled and then shut him down and closed myself from talking with him.

“I knew you’d fucking leave me for some sized 0 model someday. I can’t believe this didn’t happen sooner.” The fact that I was always insecure when it came to the woman in Norman’s past never helped me. Or the fact that my PMS was getting more and more sever as I got older. He didn’t say anything, he just let me yell like a maniac. “Was she some leggy, foreigner looking chick with a cute accent and half your age?” He didn’t reply and that was fine, I didn’t actually want to know. I knew I was being a bitch but I just couldn’t seem to stop myself.

We sat in the loading zone holding hands and he leaned in and kissed me, not deep or intimate, but there was no doubt there was love there. I kissed him back. “I’ll call when I get into my hotel.” He got out of the car and we both said ‘I love you’ but not that I think back on it, I wonder if I should have said ‘Mine’.

Paul drove me to work and never said much which was fine. I had called Mandy and we talked a little, I kept the conversation focused on her and her relationship with Tommy. I think they were getting close to an engagement and she thought the same thing.

“So he’s out of town for the weekend?” She had a way of bringing the conversation back around without even trying.

I watched Paul in the mirror but he never seemed as if he was paying attention. “Yeah, down to Florida for a few days.”

Mandy paused then with a breath, “Should you have gone with him?” She had gotten used to his jet setting and the fact that this home body didn’t go with him, but this trip was different.

“No. There was no reason. Besides if I went it would just be like I was checking up on him, he’s not going to fuck up again. Least not this soon.” I was confident in what I was telling her. I always loved talking with Mandy, she helped me get my head straight when I needed it.

It was late in afternoon when Norman called, he told me about his bumpy flight and the nice room he was staying in. He was gushy with the details and even switched over to Facetime so she could see the view from his balcony. He sat out there and lit a cigarette as we talked. “I miss you.” He hadn’t been gone more than a few hours and I knew that he was talking about more than just since I had dropped him at the airport.

I propped my phone so I could sit back as we talked. “I miss you too Norm.” I sat and told him about my day, talking with Mandy and how I thought an engagement was in her future. He laughed about how cute I was going to be as a maid of honor since getting dressed up really isn’t my thing. We talked about nothing in particular till Clark knocked on his door and he needed to get down to the convention floor.

“Love you Holly, I’ll call later.”

“Yours Norman, you know that right?” I was glad we were still Facetime-ing. I liked being able to see him when I asked.

A slow smirk touched his lips, “I know baby.” He didn’t say anything else, just blew a kiss and shut off the phone.

After I ate, I shut down the house and headed to bed and for the first time in over a week I had a desire to masturbate, really to do anything sexual. I went into the closet and thumbed through Norman’s shirts till I found one that brought a smile to my face. His black Misfit’s t-shirt smelled like him, laundry soap and Norman, it smelled like heaven and it went straight to my pussy. Sorting through the other side of the closet I fished out a vibrator and curled into bed, his scent filling my nose. I had brought up the lap top and surfed a little porn while I inhaled the scent of him and let myself get turned on. My nipples hardening as the sexy images filled the screen. I had settled on something sexy with non-typical porn music and a romantic but dirty feel to it.

I laid back on his side of the bed and let my hands roam over my flesh, pulling at my nipples and twisting them the way Norman did. Down my stomach and between my legs as I watched the couple on the screen, she was worshiping his cock in a way that had my practically taking notes. I found my clit, hiding and begging to be coaxed out, I played a while then decided that I needed something inside of me, filling me. I spread my legs while the couple switched to a sexy sixty-nine. She moaned out as did I when the head of the vibrator started into me. It was fat, bigger than Norman. I loved that about this toy, it always spread me wide. I spit on two fingers and worked it around the thickness, helping the latex to slide a bit easier.

“Oh fuck…” I wasn’t sure if it was me as I filled myself completely or the woman on screen as she mounted the tattoo covered man. I watched as he gripped her ass and I slowly worked the toy in and out of me waiting a while to turn the knob but finally sending vibrations through me.

My phone chirped, a text message noise and though I was enjoying my play time, I checked it. I was nowhere near cumming and I had a feeling it was Norman.

Thinkin of you baby

I smiled and the message went straight to my pussy, making me wetter while I thought about how to reply. A second message came through.

Doing anything good?

Now I had to tell him. Abandoning the hold on my vibrator I texted back, ‘Is masturbating good?’

A little lag time happened before the message came through.

Seriously??????

I wanted to take a selfie and prove it to him but he was at work, most likely just prior to a photo shoot session. I also didn’t know if we were ready to be that comfortable just yet. A simply ‘Oh yes’ was all I set back.

Really really miss you ;)

I sent back a smiley face and I knew he was off line again for a while. I was certain his smirk would show up in fan photos but I didn’t care, I was back to playing with my toy and finishing my movie. I let the smell of Norman consume me as I zoned out from the movie and into my own little world, thinking of moments he and I had shared over time, new things that we had done, our threesome with Andy in Utah that had me on my knees. I had so many sexy memories to choose from and all of them flooded at me as I turned up the power on my vibrator and rubbed my clit to a rocking orgasm that felt so good.

I was asleep in no time and when I woke the next morning I had missed two phone calls from Norman but he had left a sweet message with the second call.

“Hi baby, guess you went to bed early. I was hoping to catch you with your hand in the cookie jar.” He chuckled. “Call me in the morning and we’ll talk. Love you.” He ended the call and I was smiling ear to ear.

His phone rang four times before he answered, “My hand in the cookie jar?” I was still laughing over the comment.

“Morning to you too.” We talked for a while as he used the house phone to order himself room service and he told me about the convention and some of his fans he had spent time talking with. Gifts he had received and moments he knew made a difference in people’s lives. He loved this part of his job more than just about anything. After I had fallen asleep he had binge watched ‘South Park’ till the wee hours of the morning while blowing up Twitter with bits of character information from the net. “They over sold the gig, I want to stay through the day tomorrow, catch a later flight back. Is that okay with you?” This was a first, he never asked me about such work related things.

“Of course.” I would never deny him time for something like this. “And don’t feel like you have to stay in tonight. Go out with the guys, have a good time. He had cast mates to catch up with and I knew he had skipped that last night because of me. I felt badly that he had stayed in and I didn’t hear the phone when he had called. We talked for a while longer, me apologizing for being a bitch and him for his digression. We ate breakfast together while talking and it all felt good, it felt like things were righting themselves.

Norman agreed to enjoy the time with friends and told me he’d call before he got on the plane to come home. Something had shifted with us, he hardly ever called this much, but I loved hearing from him. The skank that had been the catalyst for this fight was never far from my mind, but I was pushing past it all, I was making progress in getting through all this ugliness.

I spent late Sunday morning having brunch with my spa coworkers, something we had planned weeks ago and I had been looking forward to. This was a good group of people I worked with and the fact that I was dating Norman never seemed to be a thing for them. Mainly because they were all die-hard New Yorkers who knew many famous people. We laughed over mimosa’s and talked about anything but work for three hours as we dined on lox and salads, fruit, omelets and sweet breads. It was terribly overpriced and wonderfully yummy, but more importantly, exactly what I needed to get through the last day of Norman being away.

I called Paul and requested to go to the airport with him to pick up Norman and we drove through the darkening streets till we were in line at arrivals. Paul went in and ‘retrieved the package’ while I sat in the car in Norman’s favorite skirt. He climbed into the back with me and practically on top of me.

“I’ve missed you baby.” He tongue was working at my neck as his hands roamed, he tasted of booze, those little airplane nippers.

I stopped his licking and drew his face to mine, “So we’re good?” I needed to know if he was still mad at me for the awful way I had treated him. He nodded assure me. I went back to kissing and he moved on to exploring under my layer of clothes.

“Hey Paul, the studio.” Paul nodded and turned up the music as we fooled around the back seat. I slid down to the floor boards and pulled him free from the confines of his jeans where I began to suck him not caring or even thinking about the fact that Paul was inches from my. I had a need to suck him hard and he just leaned back and let me do it. His cock filling my mouth as he played in my hair and occasionally moaned out or complimented my skills.

He hadn’t cum by the time we made it to the lower east side industrial park and he tucked himself back into his jeans. Paul got out of the SUV and went around to get something from the back. He handed Norman a blanket and I smiled at his pre-planning. He took my hand and drew me to the steps with him as he dug out a key for the heavy door.

Norman flicked on light switches and it gave the rooms a glow as we wandered through, back to the space filled with his photographs. He spread out the blanket and sat, patting the space next to him. I joined him and wrapped my arms around him. We looked off to our time line together, I soaked in the sweetness of it all, often his photography was about taking something unusual and making it beautiful and I guess that’s what he had done here as well. Our romance was far from fairytale but you’d never know it to look at these images.

He was close, his mouth next to my ear, “The fuck up is over, this fight is over. We’re both done apologizing.” Norman’s tone was, well, dominate. He was laying down the law, not something he often did or needed to do. “We are done hurting each other,” His hand came around me and grabbed at my hip, more specifically the spot where my tattoo professed my devotion to him. He gripped tight as I nodded. I had felt horribly for the way I had not only spoken to him, or how I couldn’t seem to stop with the hurtful words. The silence had been no better.

“Tell me we are past this.” When he spoke with such dominance is made me weak and wet.

I looked straight ahead to a photo of us kissing by the water. “We are past this Norman.” I gripped at the hem of his shirt, I could still taste his cock in my mouth and wanted more, I needed him now more than ever. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry.” I felt the tears start to well.

His hand came up and pulled at my hair. “No more apologies.” He was right, we had both said it too many times already. We’d never move past this if we kept dwelling. Without warning he let go of me and stood up and pulled me up to him. “Get undressed.” That strong voice still consumed him and it sent tingles all over me. “Now.” His eyes were dark, the switch had flipped and what I assumed would be a night of sweet love making was going to be anything but that.

Norman loved to start these moments of out of control with me naked while he remained fully dressed, something that made me always a little nervous, as if he could walk away at any moment leaving me there alone. He leaned back and pulled the cigarettes out of his pocket and lit one. “Now.” I hadn’t started to follow his command but I corrected that immediately, I pulled my shirt over my head and his eyes shifted down to my breasts, spilling out over the top of my bra, I knew how much he loved that this one. Then I toed off my shoes getting shorter and worked my skirt down my hips. I stood in my underwear wondering if this was good enough for him and maybe hoping he would tell me to strip more, or he’d do it for me.

He walked away and pulled his phone of out his pocket, in the dimly lit empty room he began to take pictures of me. I wanted to be shy but I wasn’t, I wanted him to capture everything he wanted. The Parliament hung out of his mouth as he walked around me, the flash going off sometimes as the lighting required. “Bra off.” He spoke and I obeyed, sliding down the straps, then reaching behind and unhooking the clasps. Letting it fall to the floor as he stepped closer. He licked at my nipples, blowing cold across them till they stood on point then he was back to his photos. “Pretty girl.” He finished his cigarette and came up behind me, bending me at the waste he took photos of my ass. I couldn’t remember a time he had taken so many pictures.

Resting the phone on my back he worked my panties down over my hips, clicked a few pictures then did it again, further down, now exposing my ass completely, and once again till the panties were at my knees and he had spread my legs wide. I felt vulnerable and sexy and the fact that we had done this all in silence had made it all the more exciting.

“On your knees.” He walked away with a smack to my ass and played with his phone as I obeyed, music began to play, a punk band that he loved. He took off his boots and his colorful socks and he drew the belt off as well dropping it to the floor. He peeled off his t-shirt than stalked over to me.

“I’m gonna fuck this pretty mouth,” His eyes were a dark sea of blue as I obediently looked up at him and he cupped my cheek, “because it’s mine. And you’re gonna suck my dick because it’s yours.” I nodded as my pussy clenched. He opened his pants and pulled himself out and as he gripped my hair I let my mouth envelope him. Norman pushed deep, going straight for the gag reflex and making me choke just a little. “Suck it.” He gritted out the words and I did it, I sucked his cock like a porn star hungry for her next pay check. I would suck his cock till he forgot about that skank in the bathroom. He force fed it to me, making me gag and spit, it drooled out of my mouth and down to my tits and though he was out of control, I could tell he was seeing every bit of it, admiring his handy work. Maybe getting back at me for the mean things I had said by punishing my mouth. I deserved it. This was our reconciliation. I’d make him forget her and he’d remind me how my mouth should really be used.

I’m not sure how long we continued that way, but my knees ached from the cement floor and my back was hurting but I didn’t stop. I wanted to please him and he was enjoying all of this. When he yanked his cock from my slobbering mouth I smiled and he kissed the top of my head. Then he stepped out of the jeans that were bunching at his shins and he knelt down behind me. Putting his hand my shoulders he pushed me down on to my hands and knees and he used his cock to smack my ass for a while.

“My ass.” He was claiming it. Then his fingers found my pussy, for the first time in too long he slid inside of me and I moaned out. “Good.” He approved of my wantonness. “Whose pussy is this?” He graveled the words.

“Yours Norman, it’s yours.” I rocked against his hand.

Then he removed his fingers and touched the tip of his cock to the wet opening. “Whose cock is this?”

“Mine.” I waited for him to push into me but he didn’t. I tried to rock back by he moved away. I was on fire for him, I needed him but he needed something too and I was going to have to figure it out. “I love you Norman.” It wasn’t the words he was looking for, he poked his tip against me but never penetrated and I knew by his hissing that it was killing him too.

“I need you Norm, I need your cock. It’s mine and I want it.” I pushed back and he finally let me, he pushed deep inside me and that was the last vestige of control he had. He gripped my hips and pounded into me. Fucking me hard, using me, taking out aggression and finding what pleased him most. I had missed this. He hadn’t been out of control in a long while and I had missed it. It was one of the many things I was afraid to lose if we had actually broken up, the hope of having this type of moment.

I held on tight as he plowed into me, my moans and grunts only serving to spur him in. He fucked hard and came quick, not seeming to have cared if I had gotten off or not and I didn’t mind a bit. He used me in a way he didn’t use any other woman, I was his sanctuary and his safe place. He draped over me and pushed me flat, laying on top of me as he panted. “Fuck…” His panting was sexy, and I loved his breath on my skin. I had missed it.

I wanted to hold him but he had me pinned to the floor as he recovered and finally pulled out of me, pulling his cum along with it. Slowly he rolled off of me and I curled into his hold. He kissed my forehead and then my nose before moving on to my lips. “Mine.” He whispered it softly as he lazed his tongue into my mouth. “I’m yours, only yours.” I gripped at his hip delighted in his words.

I’m not sure how long we laid there, wrapped together, syncing up our breathing and just reconnecting. I needed to stop thinking about what he had done and how I had treated him for it. I was lucky that he hadn’t walked out on me, told me to pack it all up and go home to my parents. I had been awful but he still loved me, cared for me and needed me. I played in his hair for a while, it was long again, wispier than ever. Overdue for a trim that wouldn’t come till he got to set next month and the stylist made decisions.

We were headed south again soon, just a few weeks till it was time for him to start filming again, for me to get back into the small spa that was home for me. I’m not sure how this fight would have played out had we been in Georgia, I would have had family and Mandy to go running to, but here, I had to work it out on my own. I think it was better this way.

Norman’s hand was rubbing my hip, over my pelvis and down between my legs, I had thought he had dozed off but he hadn’t. He found his sticky mess and started to finger me. “You cum for me if I play for a while?” I wasn’t sure why he was bothering to ask, I always came when he played, but I sighed as he fingers dipped into me. “Glad I didn’t lose this,” He slid his fingers deep inside me. “You and this.” He chuckled. He moved a little to get a better angle and he fingered me for a while, nothing else. I loved when we did things we hadn’t done in ages.

He laid me out on the blankets, fingerings and tongue working on my body as he kissed and worships and told me how much he loved me, leaving a trail of hickies on my breasts and stomach, down to my hip. I came over and over, he didn’t seem to let up on the play time, yet ignoring me when I asked him to fuck me again. “When we get home, I’m gonna make love to you all night.” He was having fun just the way we were, and I have to say, being in a room filled with images of our love life together made the experience even more memorable.