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You're My Number One

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*****

“We just bought this bottle yesterday!” B.A. growled as he picked up the nearly empty bottle of vodka off the kitchen floor. “Where are those two fools?”

Hannibal sighed. He should have known to send Face to the store with B.A. You really couldn’t leave Face and Murdock together without something happening. Something would always happen. Like the time they set the mess hall on fire, or when he’d found the 10 goats in his office right before their first deployment or the legendary, but never spoken of, B.A. losing his eyebrows incident…or right now.

B.A. and Hannibal had gotten back to the beach house Face’d scammed for them a week ago and it’d looked like a tornado had come through while they were out getting supplies. All the cabinets were open in the kitchen, vinegar spilled all over the granite countertop, dripping into the sink. What he could only assume was the specialty meat tenderizer Murdock had begged for at the butcher shop, scattered all over every flat surface and the contents of the vodka bottle in a puddle on the kitchen floor.

“They’ve got to be around here somewhere.” Hannibal shook his head as he took in the wider scene of the kitchen and the living area. Disaster area, more like it. A chair was knocked over onto its side by the television and the books and magazines that were usually on the coffee table were now all over the floor. Hannibal started through the room cataloging the chaos when he spotted the tiny pair of “swim trunks” Face defended on a constant basis, soaking wet on the wood floor. A few steps further down the hall were an equally wet pair of bright orange board shorts adorned with sharks.

“Oh, what the hell?”

Hannibal turned to look at B.A. who was holding up a discarded bottle of baby oil, a look of confusion on his face as the whereabouts of their teammates was finally solved.

“You can’t ever tell anyone about this.” Face’s voice was heard over the running water in the bathroom at the right of the hall, followed by a chuckle from Murdock.

“I’m serious! I was desperate and I needed it so bad.”

“I swear I won’t. Come on, Faceman what are friends for?”

“I know, it’s just…It’s not something I thought about us doing before. Though, I’m glad it was you and not Hannibal or B.A. Shit, could you imagine the looks on their faces?”

The looks on their faces at that exact moment were ones of utter shock as the pair in the bathroom broke out into more peals of laughter.

“What exactly is going on?” Hannibal’s sudden appearance as he swung the door open brought loud yelps from both Murdock, who was sitting on the sink counter in a red ‘Fu King Restaurant’ shirt and a pair of bright green shorts with squid on them and Face, who was in the shower.

“Wellll…” Murdock gave a nervous giggle as Hannibal and B.A. stood in the doorway.

“Murdock!” Face shouted as the water was turned off and his arm snaked out to grab a towel.

“Must we come home and find meat tenderizer and vodka all over the whole damned kitchen? Do I need to get a babysitter for you two every time we go out?” Hannibal admonished in his best chastising the children voice.

“Why y’all running around the house bare assed naked is what I wanna know?” B.A. added.

“Who said anything about being naked?” Face asked; towel wrapped securely around his waist as he threw back the shower curtain.

Hannibal glanced at Murdock, who was turning as red as the shirt he was wearing and before he could say anything the pilot burst out with a jumbled, frantic explanation.

FacegotstungbyabigassedjellyfishandithurtreallybadsoIpeedonhim.”

“You promised, bud.” Face groaned.

“Did you just say…?” Hannibal wished he’d just cleaned up the mess in the kitchen himself and went about his day.

“Y’all nasty as hell!” B.A.’s attempt at disgust was ruined by his snickering.

“Shut up, Bosco you wouldn’t be laughing if it’d been you.” Face was now as red as Murdock, even through the tan he’d been working so very hard on all week.

“I sure as shit wouldn’t let his crazy ass piss on me.” B.A. jerked a thumb in Murdock’s direction.

“It was horrible. Like Apocalypse Now or something. One minute we’re in the water, next thing I know Face’s screaming…” Murdock flailed his arms as he reenacted their ordeal.

“I wasn’t…” Face huffed indignantly.  

“You screamed, manly scream but a scream none the less. I saw what I thought was red in the water, and then I was grabbing him and pulling him ashore. Still didn’t know what the hell was going on. When we got back to the house it was so bad and nothing would help.” Murdock pointed at the angry welts that wrapped all around the conman’s feet and legs.

“You o.k., kid?” Hannibal asked. As bizarre as the situation was the last thing they needed was one of them in the hospital.

“It’s fine. It barely even stings anymore.” Face rolled his eyes and chose to ignore B.A.’s mumbled R. Kelly comment as the mechanic left the incredibly cramped space.

 “By the way, urine on jellyfish stings is just an old wives’ tale. It doesn’t actually do anything.” Hannibal shook his head and turned to leave as Face started squawking.

“What!? Murdock! Dude, you said it worked! You pissed on me for no reason!?”

Hannibal laughed as he walked down the hall and decided he’d discuss exactly why the two needed the baby oil at a later time.