Chapter 1: Gwen Vs. Daria
In this inaugural installment, two jaded, cynical teenage girls known for dating and dumping guitarists named Trent and later being involved in love triangles having effectively stolen their female friends' boyfriends have at it over how such a specific coincidence can possibly even exist.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!
Dear diary, I'd like to write about today,
And how I sent this whiny hipster bitch packing straight away!
I'll make this battle quick, seal your face with a kick,
Like the psycho killer. Come at me, Misery Chick!
You're a smug, obnoxious Mary–Sue,
And I'd rather share my quarters with Courtney than you!
Moping and doping, that's how all your time is spent.
And unlike you, I at least kissed my Trent!
You come from MTV? Your reputation must be poor,
When you share your station with Jersey–Fucking–Shore!
So run home, Diarrhea, go make out with Jane,
Before I take this shovel to your spine and break you like Bane!
I've got to be direct, Gwen: you're about to get smoked.
Your whole life, your whole world is just a sick, sad joke.
You think I still care the slightest bit about Trent?
Get with the times, and while you're at it, get bent.
I'm a philosopher, you're a pathetic trash–talker.
Need to know why I'm brilliant? Just ask Doug Walker.
Your time's spent suffering, fighting, all over a bad check,
And now, I'm looking forward to standing on YOUR neck.
I'll crush you like Tommy Sherman, bury you alive,
Pour drain cleaner down your throat and pass it off as suicide.
I'll maul you like a koala, and make your eyes swell.
In short: I'm Daria. Go to Hell.
What, that's all you got? Bitch please, your flow SUCKS!
Oh, and by the way, your breath reeks of Upchuck.
And why's your face always so plain? Here, I'll give it a makeover…
When I tear it to shreds like a rabid, screaming gopher!
You make Noah look active, you antisocial loafer,
And any relevance you ever had is long–since over!
What that Tom guy ever saw in you is a mystery to me,
But soon, like Mr. DeMartino's class...
Mr. DeMartino: YOu'Ll bE hIsTOrY!
I'm a nice person; you're cold, bitter and heinous.
You have no goals in your life, while I wanna be famous!
And on your life: think it sucks? Well, look what I have to go through!
"First World Problems" much, Daria? Girl, what the Hell is wrong with you?!
That's it, Shakespeare, leave the rhyming to me.
Your lines have so much shallowness, I mistook it for complexity.
And it's funny. After what you've been through, you should be dead.
I've seen safer behavior from Beavis and Butthead.
And you've nothing to show for it; no money, no fame,
So next season, just go straight to the Whatever–of–Shame.
You'll never be free from the sadistic games of Chris,
And you practically ruined your social life with one kiss.
While my love triangle was subtle and realistic,
You downright cheated, and let your "best friend" go ballistic.
You're just a slutty caricature; I invented cartoon drama.
So consider this loss your latest serving of karma.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!
Chapter 2: Twilight Sparkle Vs. Mister Ed
Conceived as the matchup through which I would hypothetically want Epic Rap Battles of History itself to represent My Little Pony, Moleman's Epic Rap Battles #2 features the two most famous Elements of Harmony wielders facing television's first talking horse, who, according to how this ended up being written, turns out to be kind of a psychopath.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!
A horse is a horse, of course, of course, except for you, you little freak!
You're fans are a bunch of obsessed and whiny pervert manchild geeks!
What? You say they're cool? Don't make me laugh, for God's sakes.
How could you say that when they write sick shit like Cupcakes?
And even though you've got that fancy horn and live with a little dragon,
You're weak! You can't even pull your own show's bandwagon!
You're purple like Barney,
And you look like a carny,
I'll terminate you like Arnie,
'Til you're deader than Jim Varney!
My show is classic; yours is saccharine and spastic.
You practice witchcraft, while my words are true magic!
And I'm breaking my oath of only talking to one guy,
To spit mad rhymes that'll make even Celestia cry!
To create you, Faust must have made a deal with the devil,
But when I'm done, your Ponyville will be leveled.
So save me some trouble, and put your mouth on that curb,
So I can stomp you with my hoof and blame it on Wilbur!
Are you quite finished yapping? Your scary words don't trick me.
Your threats are idle; you're a more pathetic bitch than Trixie!
You're a one–trick–pony; I'm the coolest thing on TV;
I'll grab my friends and blast you with the Elements of Harmony!
The name's Twilight Sparkle; not a pansy vampire, either.
This will be a bigger landslide than Beethoven vs. Bieber!
And trust me: when you try to talk shit about Bronies,
You make yourself a bigger target than Joseph Kony!
Besides, last I checked, there are plenty of perverts in your land.
Might I remind you of Equus, or the infamous Mr. Hands?
You claim to be a stallion, but you act more like a llama.
You're boring! You're a lamer villain than King Sombra!
I can't see how you were ever a hit, even in the 60's;
The only Eds on television worth watching are these three!
*Ed, Edd and Eddy are shown*
Now, back to me: Do you seriously think you can win this?
You're an ugly old mule; I'm a magical goddess.
*Turns into an alicorn*
Wait, what? You grew wings?
That has to be a joke!
It's a bigger shark–jumping than Frying the Coke!
I'll trample you as soon as I'm freed from this stable,
So come at me, Has–bro, if you think yourself able!
I'll turn your hooves into glitter glue, mount your head on a wall!
And as for your little friends, I'll exterminate them all!
I'll shove Pinkie in the oven and make a pizza pie,
Feed Rarity to a Manticore and snap the neck of Fluttershy!
I'll go full–out Sweet Apple Massacre on Applejack,
Murder Rainbow Dash and take a dump on her memorial plaque!
I'll put Derpy down like Old Yeller, and be quick to pull the trigger.
I see you've realized you'll lose; took ya' long enough, ni–
Boo! Boo! Those are my two words for you!
You keep talking trash, but you're a bigger chicken than Scootaloo!
I run the full color spectrum of awesomeness;
You're a dull, unappealing, monochrome mess!
And this horse of a lack of color will be in for a jolt,
When I hijack this cloud and strike him with Wonderbolts!
Rainbow Dash is best pony, you racist old nag.
I'm 20,000% cooler than you, bitch! Swag.
Listen here, Francis: I'll beat you in ten seconds flat.
I've got the Sonic Rainboom; there's no way you can top that!
This kid's already gone further then you ever did, sucker!
So I'll leave you with this:
TASTE THE RAINBOW, MOTHERFUCKER!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 3: Sally Acorn Vs. Mega Man
Intentionally designed as a completely random matchup, this became my most popular early battle, eventually leading to the creation of an even more random sequel many months later.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!
Turn up the Beat and crank up the Bass,
So I can Mega–bust a Cap–com in this royal brat's face!
I'll call up Rush, Auto, Eddie and Roll
For an assault that'll decimate your Knothole!
I have so many games, it's hard to keep tally,
While your show, Sally, never even got a real finale!
What am I even fighting you for? Where the Hell is Sonic?
He should be my opponent; you're not iconic!
The reasons I'm superior are too many to list;
In the original games, you don't fucking exist!
You're the Mary Sue creation of a bunch of stupid DiCks,
And I'd sooner be defeated by Sandy Cheeks!
You're a mistake that should be treated with contempt.
I'd call you a Zero, but that would be a compliment.
I'll forever remain in the gaming hall of fame.
SEGA should have let you die back in "Endgame"!
Was that supposed to upset me, you little Mega–fart?
It's hard to take you seriously when this is your cover art.
You think I'm unaware that I'm not in the games?
Or that I care a single iota about that? For shame!
It's hard to be jealous of SEGA's mediocre Sonic,
When you're the queen of the world's most underrated comic.
The way I see it, you're just a violent brute,
Yet you repeatedly fail to end your problems at their root.
You've had, what is it now, your last four titles cancelled?
Wow. Do us both a favor, and go get dismantled.
I'll give you a Knuckles sandwich like I did Fiona Fox,
So hard that you regurgitate your squealing little voice box!
Your creator abandoned you; your career is at an end.
I'll get NICOLE to delete all your NetNavi friends!
My words will stump you worse than those disappearing blocks.
Call me Elec Woman, 'cause you're gonna get shocked, Rock!
I'll take my Metal Blades and cut you down to size.
And… wait a minute, aren't you supposed to be roboticized?
Whatever; it won't matter when I vaporize your head.
Ha! That's funny because the squirrel gets dead!
I'd normally copy your powers, but I'm in no hurry.
After all, I might catch your terminal case of furry!
The fighting robot will shoot you down with extreme prejudice.
And this time, it won't be undone by Genesis.
You sound strained, Blue Bomber. You should go back into stasis.
Your maker shares his name with a twisted, evil rapist!
By the way, I'm not a squirrel, I'm a freaking chipmunk,
Though I'm not like Alvin… Unlike you, you squeaky little Punk!
I've got the brains and the beauty here; all you have is brawn.
And your voice is more cacophonic than "Okkusenman"!
This should go without saying, but I'll spit it for emphasis:
Forget Dr. Wily! Call me your Archie–nemesis!
You're supposed to be a hero, but you're acting like a badnik.
I suggest you go see X, because I think you've gone maverick!
Out of all your petty insults, not one is new to me.
Let me guess: You prefer Sonic with that psycho skank Amy?
I'll get my friends Carmelita, Krystal and Minerva,
Form a posse of vixens and quadruply serve ya'!
When you try stepping up against this righteous Mobian,
You'll find that just like with Air Man, you're never going to win!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!
Chapter 4: Penelope Vs. Gadget
In the first Moleman's Epic Rap Battle to feature a third-party, quite possibly the two smartest female mice ever face one another in the wake of extremely controversial actions committed by one of them, only for both to be upstaged by someone whose humanity is far from the only thing that makes her their superior.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!
THE BLACK BARON…
Okay, seriously? Again? I mean, really?
We've been through this before. We all know it's you, Penelope.
What's with you and disguises? Are you some sort of schizo?
In any case, crazy or not, you're a dirtier rat than Rizzo.
I'll get the obvious out of the way; better to say it now than later:
Just like Peter "Scabbers" Pettigrew, you're a no–good little traitor!
You sold out your only friends in the world… to a skunk.
Are you dense? Are you brainwashed or something? Are you drunk?
No, I'm convinced you're just an idiot, plainly and simply.
You're rightfully hated, whereas people freaking worship me!
You may have numerous skills, but they won't matter at all
When I chuck my namesake straight into your face like "Dodgeball"!
No Sly trick of yours will work against this opponent.
Don't you know who I am? I'm the MacGyver of rodents!
I'll Sucker Punch you back to the Dark Ages, you loon!
If you're the Black Knight, I'll be leaving you with more than just a flesh wound.
You've made it clear you hold yourself in very high esteem…
But I'm convinced you've slept with every other member of your team.
You can go ahead and call me a back–stabbing bitch.
I really don't care; I'm brilliant, powerful and rich!
My crimes will slip right through the cracks in your feeble little mind.
I'm smarter than you and all your ranger friends combined!
The bottom line is this: I'm a real genius, you're not.
You build contraptions from garbage while I construct giant robots!
Consider this, Gadget: I invented freaking time travel!
On a whim, I could make your whole existence unravel.
Or, if you prefer, I could alternatively prove my might
By blowing your puny Ranger Wing to bits in a dogfight!
In a pirate sword duel, I'd take you down gently…
…By which I mean I'd leave you more crippled than Bentley!
It's hard to choose among the many ways in which I could own you.
I've looked you up; it's clear that all your fans just want to bone you.
Stop. Right. There. I am on the very verge of R.A.G.E.
You must have more brain damage than Phineas Gage!
And if you're a pirate, then you're worse than those guys in Somalia.
And that yellow jumpsuit; who do you think you are, April O'Neyla?!
It's like you're going out of your way to seem unsympathetic.
Here's some serious advice: say something apologetic!
I'm giving you one last chance: back off, or by golly,
I'll string you up and hang you out to dry like Sir Raleigh!
You know what? Fine: I regret what I've done…
…But don't you start thinking that this means you've won!
Evil or not, I'm still ten times a bigger genius than you.
I'm the very best this side of Emmet Brown at what I do!
My machines will change the world; yours belong at a science fair:
Their success rate is less consistent than the color of your hair!
Again, I have freaking time travel, so keep your 2x4 tech,
Because it's gonna get wrecked in this duel of mice and mechs!
(*Record Scratch, music stops, screen goes black*)
Inspector Gadget: Go–Go–Gadget beat!
(*Completely different music, derived from the theme of a certain cartoon, starts up*)
I've been watching you two, and I just had to step in.
Both of you vermin can scram, because I'm hacking this transmission.
This battle isn't over, so don't you dare touch that "back" switch.
You wanted Penelope and Gadget? Well, I'm Penny Gadget, bitch!
If you obscure losers plan on trying to best me with your raps,
Then you better Look Out for my verbal mousetrap!
Try to strike back against this prodigal ace,
And I'll send your words back at you, where they'll blow up in your face!
All your talk of your contraptions is driving me M.A.D.
Keep your fictional junk; I made the very first iPad!
As long as I'm here, Penelope, you can forget about crime,
Because just like Dr. Claw, I'll stop you every single time!
And Hackwrench, on your heroics: you can also forget it.
I'll solve all your puny problems, and take all the credit!
I don't need Brain or my uncle to beat you!
I'm human, you're rodents; you're no match for my shoe.
Um… it's actually over now, right? Okay, good.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!
Chapter 5: XJ-9 Vs. S.A.I.N.T. #5 or: Jenny Vs. Johnny
This battle of sentient robots with near-identical self-appointed names is itself fairly run-of-the-mill as a battle, but is somewhat notable as marking the point where I first became truly serious about making Moleman's Epic Rap Battles an ongoing, regular series, as evidenced by the title making its first in-video appearance here.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!
S.A.I.N.T. #5 A.K.A. "Johnny":
Hello, bozo! Do you suck bolts? Yes, I think so!
Surrender right now before I squish you like Play–Doh!
You can call me Johnny–Five, and yes, it's true that I'm alive.
You are in store for a battle that I doubt you will survive!
I'll disassemble you and leave your parts outside to rust;
Cause you more vexation than the ones you call "Crust".
I've got your number, Jenny, and I'm gonna make you pissed.
Think you'll threaten to recycle me? Well, you can recycle this!(middle finger)
I'm a true, classic robot, while you're more like Frankenstein.
I'll have Los Locos kick your shiny metal ass to Cluster Prime!
But rest assured, I'll reassemble you when this is over,
And give you a new life as my personal "snow blower".
XJ–9 A.K.A. "Jenny":
Shut your nonexistent mouth, you glorified parrot.
You have so many "Bugs Bunnies", your CPU's a carrot!
I need another hero to fight, not a WALL–E reject like you.
Go back to selling bootleg toys with that lookalike of Apu!
You say I'm the bigger freak here? I'd say you're more frightening.
I was created sentient; you had to get struck by lightning!
I'm making tremors with my rhymes, of which I've got tons.
You're such an outmode, you couldn't even beat XJ–1.
A Titanic train wreck's what you are, so call me an iceberg.
I've seen livelier performances from Steve Guttenberg!
You're less threatening than Killgore, and phonier than Silver Shell;
I'll kick your shiny metal ass straight down to Robot Hell!
I'm the hottest blue–bodied bot this side of Cortana.
Your "input" couldn't please Rosie from Hanna-Barbera!
While I'm saving the world, you're struggling with street thugs.
Tim Blaney was a million times better as Frank the Pug!
Ha ha ha, ho, nyuk nyuk! Your jokes are hilarious!
…Oh, wait, you really meant all that? In that case, you're delirious!
I've read all about the real you; took me two seconds flat.
You're really lazy! A slacker! A mopey, whiny brat!
Go back to High School, or better yet, Kindergarten!
My movie's getting remade; your show is practically forgotten!
You're going up against a S.A.I.N.T., with a soul straight from Jehovah.
I've got Gigawatts of power, and this is my verbal supernova!
By the time you're a match for me, they'll have made an XJ–10!
I'm an icon! A celebrity! A U.S. Citizen!
I've gone gold! Still think you can beat me? Bitch, please.
When I'm done, you'll only be able to speak Japanese!
You're short–circuiting, Johnny. I oughta empty your hard drive.
And in any case, last I checked, nine is greater than five.
I'll summon all of my sisters, call up the Teen Team,
Beat you worse than Oscar did, and fry your brain with frickin' laser beams!
Oh Yeah! My body's got more firepower than Ratchet,
And built–in utilities rivaling Inspector Gadget!
I am the ultimate android; the all–American gynoid.
Strength of 1,000,070 men; that's more than Hulk on steroids!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!
…Yes, that's what I'm officially calling these now!
Chapter 6: Nigel Uno Vs. Ernst Stavro Blofeld
A confrontation that gives new meaning to the term "one-on-one".
Recently remastered in honor and support of the G:KND campaign.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!
Nigel Uno, Numbuh 1 of the Kids Next Door:
Nigel Uno here, on Ms. McKenzie's secret service.
Let me list the reasons why you should be very, very nervous.
I don't need Numbuh 5's help to be fresh and funky.
You don't intimidate me; I've seen scarier Rainbow Monkeys.
There surely must be a reason you're so evil and spiteful.
Could it be that your childhood was quote–unquote "delightful"?
You say that failure for your agents is a capital crime?
Better shoot yourself, then; Bond beat you, like, five times!
I'm about to eighty–six you, decommission your rear end.
Are you bald or not? At least my lack of hair is consistent.
I'll put you in your own deathtrap, feed you to sharks like Chester.
When I'm through with you, Blofeld, you'll be a literal specter!
I'll gouge open your other eye socket to even out your face,
Then see you sodomized by Stickybeard in our Arctic Prison Base.
I practically beat up evil adults like you for fun.
I shouldn't even need to say this, but: I'M NUMBUH ONE!
Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Number 1 of SPECTRE:
You may be "Num–buh One", but Number One would be I,
And that is why, Mr. Uno, I expect you to die.
I live up to my title in Bond's rogues gallery.
Torturing you will be simple; I'll just make you eat broccoli!
You're so unrealistic, I don't consider you a person.
I'll bet you only know me through Mike Myers' bumbling version!
I will make your transmission permanently lose its signal.
You couldn't even out–rap my freaking cat, Mr. Tinkles!
Even my mooks are out of your league, so as for me, don't even bother.
In terms of your absurd nemeses, call me Godfather.
I am a classic super villain, trained in numerous academia.
You are a juvenile wish–fulfillment wannabe with Leukemia!
Whenever I'm involved, control of the world is at stake.
Your biggest so–called "missions" revolve around birthday cakes!
With all my escapes and body doubles, I'll last forever just like diamonds.
I'll leave your whole team stranded, call it "Hoagie Gilligan's Island".
I'll give you this much, old man: you're a master debater.
But stronger than Grandfather? You're more on par with Toiletnator!
I know exactly what I'm doing here; in fact, I'll tell you what:
I'm setting into motion Operation: K.I.C.K.Y.O.U.R.B.U.T.T.!
My S.P.L.A.N.K.E.R. will send your ass flying into your own oil tanker.
I would rather be fighting Dr. Evil, you wanker!
These next lines come from me with hate, and are for your ears only:
You're like Leaky Leona, but eleventy–billion times more homely!
You're blander than Mr. Boss, and a bigger dick than Chad.
I never said "never again" to recommissioning my dad!
I am the planet's very finest preteen secret agent.
Obvious line, but: KIDS NEXT DOOR, BATTLESTATIONS!
Think you can match me with wooden toys and a treehouse?
Listen here: like Prince of Egypt, you're playing with the big boys now!
You think you're the Dark Knight, but you aren't even a Boy Wonder.
My Number Two will shoot yours down with great balls of thunder!
I'll kIll all your girlfriends with my main squeeze, Irma Bunt:
Snipe 'em multiple times; make sure they only live once!
As we speak, my Moonrakers are heading for your headquarters;
You kids were never a threat to my new world order!
I'm nuking your whole joke of an organization, do you hear?
And when I'm done, no one else will even notice for years!
Adults like me will always rule the world; deal with it!
I should stop talking and just kill you right no– OH SHIT!
(James Bond walks up from behind Blofeld and shoots him dead)
Well… that was… um, easier than expected. Hey, thanks for distracting him, little boy. I don't know who you are, but you must be… pretty stupid if you were trying to confront Blofeld. But, all's well that ends well, I suppose. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find another outrageously–named woman to sleep with.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!
Chapter 7: Captain Qwark Vs. Hercule Satan
In which two phony "heroes" obliviously loved by their people face one another to determine who is closer to deserving their status.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!
I'm a part–time scoundrel, part–time president, part–time superhero,
Here to throw a Skrunchy monkey wrench in your galaxy–sized ego.
This match should be re–labelled as an "Epic Rap Slaughter".
Strongest man in the world? Yeah, right! You're outmatched by your own daughter.
You can take all of your boasting and shove it up your hairy arsenal.
I'm only somewhat of a fraud, while all your "feats" are entirelyfarcical!
The only real fight you'll ever win was in Fusion Reborn.
A movie star? The only films you're worthy of working in are porn!
You deceive the world into worshipping you… and your name isSatan!
…Do I even need to explain? The implications are blatant.
Your situation is precarious; my means of beating you are various,
While you couldn't beat me with the help of Dr. Nefarious!
I've got tons of massive guns, and not one of them is on "stun".
They aren't on "kill", either: I've set these things to "Rip You a New One"!
Not to mention my nifty Razor Claws and badass–looking lantern jaw.
Let me just put it this way: Hercule, you're weaker than Yamcha!
Listen here, "Steve": I'll mess you up worse than any Crotchitizer.
Even when Earth is destroyed, I'm a full–time survivor!
Made sure Cell was sent to Hell; tamed the monster Majin Buu.
…Well, at least I did all that from a certain point of view.
I'm resourceful; know when to fold 'em. You don't play with a full deck.
I have a good heart, but you work with heartless monsters like Drek!
"Somewhat" of a fraud? You're less heroic than Macbeth,
And that's why I'm about to make you walk your own "Path of Death".
You've proven yourself weak and wicked time and time again;
I've seen more honorable space–adventuring from Zapp Brannigan!
Question my name if you want, but don't forget this little item:
You're named after a particle that's smaller than an atom!
The whole galaxy knows you're a Qwark–tactic disgrace.
I'm still remembered as the pinnacle of the whole human race!
My legacy is intact, but as for yours, you've utterly soiled it!
You're all washed up! You oughta leave; just take the nearest toilet.
Listen here, and listen good, you deadweight, Deadmeat dolt:
Unlike a certain android, I wouldn't throw this for 6,000,000,000 bolts.
Yes, I've done some stupid shit before, but now, I'm Ratchet's ally.
Even now, you waste time gloating when you could be learning to fly!
Yeah, that's the way your Dragon World works, you simpleton:
You could make yourself more powerful, if you only had the discipline!
You're alone in your weakness… alone… alone… alone!
You like tournament fighting? Well then, 'll sign you up for DreadZone!
I'll shuttle you to Oozla and leave you there in the swamp, sinking.
On your even trying to fight me: what the Videl were you thinking?
Oh, and by the way: if you try to call for help from that bitch,
I'll put my foot down on her face and crush her like Spopovich!
In a ridiculous world, I'm a realistic fighting man.
I may seem weak in context, but I'm really on par with Jackie Chan!
I can see past all of your tricks. You like to stretch your own dick!
You're a hick, thick, dumb–as–a–brick ripoff of the Tick!
You pedal hygiene devices that make people sick!
I've got the Eyes of the Lion, and a Dynamite Kick,
Which I'm about ready to Launch right into your Dragon Testicles.
This will be your biggest shaming since the Protopet debacle!
Go ahead: just you try to hurt my little girl, you twat;
We'll see what her freaky boyfriend has to say about that.
I'm the lovable, hilarious, helpful King of Dreamers.
You're nothing but a damned, dirty, coward douchebag schemer!
Keep your advice to yourself, because you don't know Jak.
I don't need those weirdos' magic to fly; I've got my trusty jetpack!
Let me close with the wisdom of another, smarter "Copernicus":
Things revolve around the sun, not you, though, clearly, you were oblivious!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!
Chapter 8: Big Bird Vs. Winnie the Pooh
The two most famous... strike that, the two most RESPECTABLE franchises for small children clash in what was the biggest Moleman's Epic Rap Battle yet at the time it was made!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!
…WINNIE THE POOH!!!
Winnie the Pooh:
It's a tale of two kids icons, from the 'hood to the Hundred Acre Wood,
and Imma beat the living birdseed out you, understood?
I'm the childhood pal of millions; just ask Christopher Robin.
I'll make you cry, and I'm not talking 'bout that song by Kenny Loggins!
My rhymes will buzz around, over, under and through you like Grover!
I've every trick in the book, plus some not in the book, like Gopher.
I'm gonna rustle all your feathers, not to mention your jimmies.
I know you inside and out, almost as much as Caroll Spinney!
When I'm done with you, pinhead, you're gonna be feeling realblue.
Count von Count on my victory going down in the Book of Pooh!
I've made Disney more money than the worth of Donald Trump,
Earning me more honey than can be taken by any Heffalump!
I'm a big black rain cloud, pouring on your Macy's Parade.
Call me Mitt Romney, 'cause I'm giving you a major downgrade!
I'm laying down the smackdown here in the Ashdown Forest.
I've been to Skull and back, son. When'd you last walk two miles from your nest?
This battle's being brought to you by the letter "B",
As in "B.B.", like Big Bird, which would be me!
And like in "Follow That Bird", I'm out on a mission:
Breaking you like I broke into public television!
You may be older and even more classic than me, Pooh Bear,
But I'll make your rhymes fall flat and drop dead like Mr. Hooper!
Mine will fly under your Radar, and knock you down like Eeyore's house.
I'm normally nice, but now I'm going full–out Oscar the Grouch!
Nonstop since 1969, I've been entertaining kids.
I spit sick words like "abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz"!
Don't need help to beat your stuffing out, so Snuffy, begone.
My jibes are simple, but they'll haunt you your whole life long!
I've got a star on the Walk of Fame; you're a bear of very little brain.
Beating me will be more impossible than your Home Run Derby game!
If you weren't just a fluff–filled doll, I'd say I'd make you bleed.
I teach children literacy, but you can barely even read!
Leave this to me, Pooh!
I may sound like a little girl and be the size of a mouse,
But I'm still bringing some mad pig power in this house!
Helping defeat this feathered fiend will be my pleasure.
Next to my blustery rhymes, yours are a mild Spring zephyr!
You'll find this itty–bitty package to be carrying big things.
You don't scare me, and that says a lot. You don't even have wings!
What are you even supposed to be, a canary or a lark?
Either way, I'm conquering you like my fear of the dark.
Yes, you're eight times my size, but I'm not overwhelmed.
I'll have you know: just like you, I have my very own film!
In terms of size–to–coolness ratio, I'm ten times more fly!
My only worthy match on your street is Teeny Little Super Guy.
People write books about my smallness being a virtue.
To beat you, I just need a few good friends and a sti–
Uh–oh! He he, who wants to die?
If you can call for backup, then by Henson, so can we,
And of the people in our neighborhood, the best is me.
'Til now, everyone watching has been waiting for Elmo.
Did you really think they'd make this thing without me? Hell, no!
Ever since I came along, half the show's been about me.
I've got living furniture and the drawer from Bruce Almighty!
I'm cuddling backstage with hot, cold chicks like Katy Perry,
While you two are more obviously gay than Bert and Ernie!
Kids, can you guess what Elmo is thinking about today?
Congrats if you said "ways he can make these losers go away"!
I'll vandalize the felt you call your flesh with my crayons,
Then dump you in the trash and leave you stranded in Grouchland!
Or, I could call up some of my monster friends, so furry and happy,
Beat youup, then have you turned to frogs by Abby!
And here's a threat scarier than any Heffalump or Woozle:
I'll tie you up and leave you both alone with Mr. Noodle!
In any case, suffice to say: I'll do more than just tickle you.
I'll let my likeness here finish:
Talking Elmo Doll:
(Crashingly loud "BOING!")
You've made a big mistake by making me show up, Fuzzy-Boy.
When it comes to rapping kids' icons, Tiggers are the real McCoy!
A match between you and me? How terribly uneven!
I'll derail your whole career, even worse than Sheldon Stephens!
I'm rivaled only by Hobbes for "most adorable tiger".
Compared to me, you look like something out of H. R. Giger!
I'm truly one–of–a–kind, unlike you, little "buddy".
You're really just a random extra that happened to get lucky!
You're a creator's pet, so swallow your pride and surrender,
Before you make me bring back the Masked Offender!
And Big Bird, while I can't exactly call you a bully,
Your skills are as nonexistent as my biological family!
Back to you, Elmo: Mike Mozart tells me you love balls.
You're weak, while I can't even be held back by the fourth wall!
So go T.T.F.E. and leave our wood for good, you Hellspawn,
Before my springy tail and I bounce you to death like Leprechaun!
…"C" is for "cookie", and it also is for "crap",
Which is best word me can use to describe your crummy raps!
Me rounding out the quintessential Sesame Street trio,
For me am, in fact, the monster at the end of this video!
Obesity and grammar concerns cause me to get slammed,
But me no change for them! Like Popeye, me am what me am.
You may have one advantage: Me no have me own movie,
But that's it, 'cause me best rapper any Muppet could be!
See, me classically–trained: just watch "Monsterpiece Theater",
And though me known for eating cookies, me not really picky eater.
Me have been here all along, from start of this song,
And now show meself to eat your honey like "OM NOM NOM NOM!"
Me not going to eat you, though, 'cause you taste no good!
As me friend Hoots would say, poo–poo is a never food!
Me shooting your words down like stupid "Veggie Monster" rumors,
And F.Y.I., Tigger, that not spring in your tail; it tumor!
Guy Smiley: OH. MY. HENSON! THAT MAY VERY WELL HAVE BEEN THE MOST EPIC RAP BATTLE OF ALL TIME! AND TO THINK SUCH A MASTERPIECE WOULD BE PERFORMED BY CHARACTERS INTENDED FOR FOUR–YEAR–OLDS!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!
Chapter 9: Panty and Stocking Vs. The Powerpuff Girls
Another 3-on-3 match (immediately after the last one, no less), this time a girl-power-powered clash between nice-ish and beyond-naughty.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE POWERPUFF GIRLS…
…PANTY AND STOCKING!!!!!
Let me try to make this Brief:
We've got artsy, sexy style; we're the Daughters of Anarchy.
We sure as fuck won't lose to you bug–eyed, motherless monstrosities!
I'm an angel; you were made by accident like Mr. Hyde.
Go jump on the nearest asteroid and catch a one–way ride.
Think we'll go easy on you three just because you're five years old?
FUCK THAT SHIT! I'm perfectly willing to put bullets in your skulls,
And I mean fucking bullets, not your mutated squirrel friend.
I'll shoot you dead, and you'll be done: no more specials, the end.
BOOM–HEADSHOT! I'll blow you up just like your retard sister, Bunny,
Then do the same to your fucking ghosts and make some cold, hard money.
What we've got going on makes fucking South Park seem tame,
And I'm proud to say that my sex life puts Glen Quagmire to shame.
In short, me and my sister here are serving up more pandemonium
Than I did in bed last night with Professor Utonium!
But wait, there's more! Right after finishing fucking your creator,
I spent this morning screwing with your old pal, the Narrator!
Shut your fatherfucking mouth before I'm forced to smack a bitch.
You're the biggest slut I've ever seen outside of Maury Povich!
Yeah, I don't normally swear, but with you involved, it's a moot point,
So screw Chemical X! I'm opening a can of Whoopass in this joint!
You don't scare me one bit with that undie–gun you're packing;
If you're a maneater shark, I guess that makes me the Craig McKraken!
You clearly think you're a sex goddess, but let me ask you this:
Have you ever literally killed a boy with a single kiss?
You'll impale yourself on anything remotely resembling a wang;
I bet you'd even have a gang–bang with the Gangreen Gang!
Compared to you, even Sedusa looks like a freaking nun.
I wouldn't be shocked to learn you even ate a piece of poop once!
Go to Hell, you whore, and suck Dick Hardly's hard dick.
I'm a commander and leader, while you're dumb as a brick!
Yo, you call, Blossom?
(*The Rowdyruff Boys appear!*)
Brick: Yeah, the boys are back in town!
Well, if they get to join this battle, then so do we!
(Scanty and Kneesocks appear!)
Scanty and Kneesocks: Step aside, skanks!
Well, I love eating bug–
ANNOUNCER: NOPE! NOPE, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE! THIS BATTLE IS BIG ENOUGH ALREADY! GET OUT, ALL FIVE OF YOU! …I MEAN IT, SCRAM!
(Scanty and Kneesocks and the Rowdyruff Boys are banished back to pop–cultural limbo)
ANNOUNCER: UM… JUST… UM… FORGET THAT EVEN HAPPENED. CONTINUE, GIRLS, CONTINUE.
Um… okay then…
I Want You fingerless freaks to Fly Away Now.
You may have brute strength, but word–wise, you fight like a cow!
Slut–shame Panty all you want; You think she gives a single fuck?!
More of those are given whenever we kill our pet, Chuck!
Unlike her, though, I don't mess around… well, at least not as much;
I'll be on my A–game just as long as I can hold this sugar rush.
I'm a credibly–badass, sword–toting lolita.
You're incredibly outmatched; go back to fighting amoebas!
This bitch is the fiercest goth there's been since the sacking of Rome,
And she's screwing you more severely than could any Communist gnome!
There's nothing you can do about it: I'm going to beat you,
And, given what you're made of, I might as well also eat you!
Only a suicidal person comes between me and my sweets,
And NO, I don't give a fuck that I "should" be obese,
Because I'm not! So don't you dare tell me to go on a diet!
Now, try hitting me with something I didn't just call. Go on, try it!
I'm starting to seriously question this battle's validity;
That is, I'm starting to think that you're our direct parody!
You seem to be just like us, only perverted and twisted.
I'd call you our Japanese doppelgängers, but those already existed!
Wait, are you even Japanese? It's hard to tell with all that Engrish,
Though if you want to be REALLY confusing, you should use some Mo' Linguish.
They made you with too much sugar, and your sister too much spice,
While forgetting to add anything even remotely nice!
Moreover, when they made you, I'm pretty sure they were oncrack!
And by the way: Invader Zim called. He wants his sidekick back!
You fight demons, yes, but you're no morally different from them,
And speaking of those incestuous bitches: they've got nothing on HIM!
Against ridiculous odds, we've kept Townsville nice and clean,
While your Daten City, just like you yourselves, is obscene!
It's a Hellhole, literally; you somehow even have a mayor
That makes ours look like Mike Haggar; you haven't a prayer!
I'm taking it on myself to put you down where you belong.
Your mother should have long since stomped you out like Monty Python!
The name is Garterbelt, better known as the Master G,
And I will personally smite the Announcer if he attempts to dismiss me!
You shouldn't even be surprised that I'm joining this battle;
Those two bitches and I are a trio; look, I'm in the goddamn title!
While it is indeed commendable, your efforts in fighting crime,
Your experience is NOTHING, hear it: NOTHING next to mine!
I've been here, observing history, since the beginning of time,
And that kind of worldliness makes for some killer skill with rhymes!
While all the shit you've said about those hoes I mentor may be true,
I'm basically Tony Montana as the Wandering Jew!
I know of only a handful of things more badass than that,
And I've seen it ALL! Even my hair is ready for combat!
Go home and bind and gag yourself, you hypocrite pedo.
You're just barely a better priest than Judge Claude Frollo!
This is between us three and those two, so go away
And let me spit the mad words that I'm about to say:
To call you skanks angels is an insult to the Bible!
You make Bartleby and Loki look like Gabriel and Michael.
Even your fans all agree that, just like a certain "Princess",
As well as the Grinch before her, you had the balls to ruin Christmas!
You're even less worthy to be wearing those halos
Than the "angels" in a certain other program by your studio,
Which, seriously, both of you procrastinating heathens
Really ought to go back to to make that second season!
Us three have saved the day literally hundreds of times.
We're the most enduring icons of a network in its prime!
Our series is a modern classic amongst all demographics.
Yours is psychopathic, not to mention damn–near pornographic!
You two aren't merely "naughty"; you're outright depraved,
While we three manage to be both badass and well-behaved.
See, we don't need an X–rating to be cool.
POWERPUFF GIRLS RRRRRRUUURRULE!!!
Oh, and by the way, I'm a demon.
(Kills Panty, screen explodes)
………WHAT THE FU–
(*"Technical Difficulties" screen*)
…Um…Who Won, Who's Next, I Decide, yada yada yada… I'm sorry, but WHAT THE FU–
(Cut to static)
Chapter 10: Ned Flanders Vs. Clay Puppington
Animation's most famous man of God battles a more obscure scoundrel in an ideological clash of honesty vs. hypocrisy whose ensuing drama makes its ultimate one-sidedness irrelevant.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!
OH GOD… REALLY? WE'RE BRINGING IN HIM NOW? OUT OF ALL PEOPLE? THIS ASSHOLE? WHATEVER; FLANDERS WILL OWN HIM, SO FINE…
Oh, that's just great: now the yellow people are moving in.
If this turns out like last time, we'll end up burning down Moralton.
Think you're a Christian paradigm? I'd say you misrepresent.
You don't even follow any of the Lost Commandments,
Most relevant to you of which is this little adage:
"Though shalt not bastardize the American language!"
You talk like they did right after the fall of Babel…
…Possibly due to biting into too many Krabappels.
You're too soft! Remember: "Spare the Todd, spoil the child",
And recall that, without discipline, you yourself ran wild.
Your turf is full of dangerous free–thinkers, while mine
Is a perfect Protestant paradise where everything's fine.
You scream like a woman and have that stupid "Leftorium";
As mayor, I'm putting your words on indefinite moratorium!
You're a passive pushover; I'm a regular Alpha male,
So let this battle mark the second time that Flanders has failed!
You're far from perfect, so stop acting so smugly,
Lest we resume this more privately… in my study.
I thank the Good Lord for this blessed opportunity
To condemn this scoundrel with righteous brutality!
Whoever made this matchup was setting you up for a fall.
It almost feels like I'm fighting no one at all! (echoes)
Don't you chastise me with your phony, made–up rules, buddy.
Ditch your drinking den and take up some real Bible study!
See, you claim to know all God's rules, yet apparently missed
At least half of the actual commandments from Exodus!
Now, I never claimed my way of life to be perfected,
But hey, at least I know it isn't downright defective!
Your whole city's a backwards dystopia full of phonies,
All of whom I could biddy–slap with my right hand only.
How'd you ever become mayor; who in God's name counted that vote?
You may be an Alpha male, but I'm a charging Mountain Goat!
Now, I'm a very forgiving man, but it's quite hard to dismiss
The way you diddled Coach Stopframe and his bountiful penis!
…Or maybe not, since, as your sins go, that's one of the lesser ones,
Compared to, say, I don't know… SHOOTING YOUR OWN SON!
Ned, I think you're standing near another major gas leak.
Stop spouting nonsense before I make you turn the other cheek!
…Okay, fine! I admit it… but she cheated first,
And with the same guy, no less; why should I feel remorse
When that lying shrew never loved me? She's the one who coerced
Me to drink, and yet we still refuse to get divorced
Because we're above breaking such a consecrated sacrament,
Just like we would never stoop to parental abandonment.
Hate away on me all you want for the hunting incident,
But remember: if that counts as more than just an accident,
Then so does the time you and your blundering "neighborino"
Committed drunken bigamy at that sleazy casino!
(Becoming increasingly hysterical)
…YOU CAN'T HONESTLY JUDGE ME! You don't understand my pain.
I've been through trauma far worse than any hurricane!
I know you like to see yourself as some sort of white knight,
But you'd be just like me if your life were as full of bright!
Your excuses for your sins are woefully inadequate;
As you yourself once said, there are no accidents.
No "tragic past" is sufficient to excuse your behavior.
A father as bad as you makes my oaf of a neighbor
Look like that Atticus fella from To Kill A Mockingbird.
You disgust me so much, I'm on the verge of using swear words!
Think your terrible life earns you automatic sympathy?
Well, guess what, pal: I've endured comparable tragedy,
But in the long run, nonetheless kept my faith and morality.
You know who else that also goes for? Your own abused progeny!
I'm thinking that your issues with your mommy and daddy
Were a test of faith from God; a test that you failed, badly!
I ask you: have you ever even tried to give up booze?
Barney proves anybody can get sober if they choose!
You've become a monster, and have only yourself to blame.
You're the most vile claymation since Satan, from Mark Twain!
(Ragingly drunk at this point)
(Hysterical moans/screams for the length of a couplet)
Sit down and shut up! I don't need to be sober
To beat you with my belt over and over and over
And then choke you with my jacket, squeezing out your life
Until you succumb to death by shirt, just like your wife!
"Comparable tragedy"? Your life is Heaven next to mine;
I see you as the Homer Simpson to my Frank Grimes!
You're everything I hate about the damned human race…
…I'll shoot you in both legs… and then… in the face!
That's not even a diss! I mean it, and here's why:
I HOPE YOU DIE!
(Whimpering) …I hope we both die…
So, you've shown your true nature, just like I knew you would,
And I know better than to look at you as "misunderstood".
The wreck standing before me isn't the animal you've become;
I'm convinced that it's the real you, and has been all along.
Making fun of my wife's death? Now, that is a low blow.
It proves you're worse than either Frankenstein or Dr. No!
Everyone hates you: your wife, your son, the reverend.
Your job, marriage, life and soul are all at a dead end!
You ugly, hate–filled, pathetic, hopeless hypocrite!
I'd physically strike you, but you're not even worth it.
You're alrea–diddly in Hell; it's too late to repent!
Clay, you're the worst human being I've ever met.
WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED IF THAT WASN'T A STRONG CANDIDATE FOR THE DARKEST RAP BATTLE IN EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY… ERM… HISTORY!
(Background chanting: DARKEST RAP! DARKEST RAP! DARKEST RAP!)
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!
Chapter 11: Michael Rosen Vs. Jim Dale (EXPLICIT)
WARNING: This "chapter" is an exception to the rest of the series' rating; consider it rated "Explicit".
Tomservo3, this one's for you.
(Intro title text says "MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAPE BATTLES")
MOLEMAN'S EPIC R– WAIT, WHAT?
A hip, hop, a hip–hop hippie
To the hip hip hop, and you don't stop
A rock it to the plum–plum boogie say up jumped
The boogie to the rhythm of the Michael Rosen Rap–rap–rap–rap!
When I was one, I had tons of fun
With my mom and dad, going all 'round murdering people with shotguns,
And now I'm sixty-seven times more outrageous, so
Don't mess with me; that's really dangerous, y'know!
I was crazier than you when I was in my mother's womb;
I'm gonna drop you like *KABOOM, KABOOM, KABOOM*!
I am THE FIERCEST STORYTELLER IN THE WORLD!
Your drivel is for stupid eleven–year–old girls.
I'm funnier, sexier, and more popular, too;
I love poopers, but can't say the same for you!
I'm making full use of my Big Book of Bad Things.
I bet your strategy is to be so boring,
Michael will get so fed up, he'll go slam his face against the wall,
Before he can string you up by your balls!
I'd sooner lose to a two year old, faggot;
I shall beat you faster than an electronic rabbit!
I'm the definition of a fantastic cool guy;
You're the definition of the ultimate fool guy,
And as for your readings, I prefer Stephen Fry,
So why don't you just KEEL OVER AND DIE?
And, for some strange reason, I came suddenly into the class
To show how I in every way possible surpass
This smelly and very pathetic excuse for a narrator,
Than which I am hundreds and hundreds of times greater!
I'm Jim Mother–Fucking, Penis–Sucking, Pube–Plucking Dale!
Attempting to beat me is EPIC FAIL.
Of dirty audiobooks, I'm the undisputed king.
PENIS! PENIS! DICK! PENIS! BLINGA–BLING–BLING!
I'll cover you in feces, so foamy and brown,
Then ejaculate into your fucking ear; TOUCHDOWN!
Stick my wrinkled–old–man boner in your ass, just like Neville's,
Until it gapes so wide, that out drops the Devil,
Who will join me in raping you until the hypertension
Explodes and ass–blasts you into another fucking dimension!
I'm about to murder you like Snape murders Dumbledore,
Cutting you into strips with my ginormous ninja sword.
Or, I could deposit a massive anus baby
In your face, smashing you until you're Pushing Daisies!
Fuck the Skyfoogle, I'm the true terrifying creature
Who will finish the job started by your teacher,
And make you suffocate from the smell of my asshole.
Keep your stupid nigger plums, I've got fucking pineapple!
And on your retarded, out–of–print bullshit,
I must say: I really didn't fucking like it. (Yeah!)
That was one sloppy, cheesy verse coming from you.
Cut the recycled bullshit and try something new!
Right! It's time for the moment you dread
When Michael gets so fed up, he turns furiously red!
Yeah, that's right; I'm going on a Jim Dale hunt;
Gonna stuff bombs up his horrible mouth–cunt!
I'm a Children's Laureate; that's really good,
But besides fools with computers made of wood,
Nobody at all wants to hear you! Your penis is tiny,
While my long cock and big butt will leave you going "BLIMEY!"
When I fuck you for three hours with a "fiddle riddle diddle";
I'm gonna burn you like a hamburger on a griddle!
Fuck you so much, you stupid retard.
You know nothing 'bout my penis, so suck it long and hard!
My cock is the drill that will pierce the Heavens;
It's caused three times more death than September Eleventh!
That's right! I have big, enormous purple nipples,
And testicles too enormous even for Drew Pickles!
This is your last warning: you better retreat,
Before I start jerking off, going SKEET SKEET SKEET SKEET,
*Poickoickoickoickoickoickoickoick* OH! And drown you in my cum,
Then cum again on your corpse, like I did to my mom!
Shove you face–first up J. K. Rowling's moldy, smelly cunt,
Which is certainly nothing like HAMBURGER RESTAURANTS!
When she, Voldemort and l bang you like Harry,
You'll find our butt-potion particularly scary!
Did somebody say "scary"?
George S. Irving:
Ooooooooooooh, I'm the host with the most old sacks;
You two are stupid gay faggot hacks.
Shook hands with both scarecrows: Dr. Crane and Harold, no doubt;
If your name has an "L", time to get out!
Now, I'll stop ripping off existing lines,
And rip you new assholes with original rhymes!
I'm ten years older and wiser;
It's about to get hot; you're dealing with the Heat Miser!
I've been performing since 1943;
That's a longer career than Christopher Lee,
And just like him, I ain't going to retire:
I don't need Thomas and Alfred to throw you in the fire!
You're drunk, Michael; go tidy your room!
You, too, Jim: flee before I make this one your tomb!
I'll tie you to a pole, taking you hostage,
Bring you to Samuel Blunt and make wonderful sausage!
I've got cows aplenty, a Big Slithery Dee,
And dance moves rivaling Aaron Kelly's,
Plus swag as big as Martin the Cat.
I'll rip your cocks clean off; feed 'em to a sewer rat!
AAaAaAuAAuUuUUuGgGHhh! I'll make you scream
Until you're pale as that ugly bitch from "The Dream".
I've got passion in my sacks, and ain't afraid to show it.
You both are dead, but too stupid to know it!
…WHAT IN THE HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WAS THAT?!?! WELL, WHATEVER IT WAS, IT WAS AWESOME! …I THINK… NOT QUITE SURE…
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!
Chapter 12: Poison Ivy Vs. Audrey II
A battle of villainous vegetation with surprisingly, and probably unnecessarily, more of a story than you would probably expect.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES…
…Will not be shown tonight due to the fact that IT'S THE FREAKING APOCALYPSE! GIANT PLANTS ARE RAMPAGING ACROSS THE WORLD! IT'S LIKE THE HAPPENING, BUT LESS ABSURD. OOOOOH, THE HUMANITY AND ALL THE PEOPLE SCREAMING AND–
WAIT! WHO'S THAT? OVER THERE, RIGHT THERE! SOME STRANGE–LOOKING PERSON APPEARS TO BE APPROACHING THE LEADER OF THE PLANTS… WAIT… IS THAT… COULD IT BE… OH MY GOD, IT IS! IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GONNA BE HAVING A BATTLE AFTER ALL!
LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN…
(Video is fast–rewound back to start)
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!
The beautiful mistress of Earthly vegetation
Is here to pluck this demonic, alien abomination!
I've felt a great disturbance in the forces of nature;
Plants being given a bad name by an insidious creature
That maliciously spreads death, destruction and ruin.
That's why, just this once, I'm fighting for the humans!
I have positive goals; you're truly a bad seed.
I'm a hot, thorny rose; you're a hideous weed!
You're further from an actual plant than Biollante.
You shouldn't exist outside of tentacle Hentai,
Which this is not, so don't get grabby with those vines!
You and your brood are not, in any sense, "babies" of mine.
I'm an independent woman; you rely on stupid jerks
To make your cliched, shallow, implausible schemes work!
There's no focus group at work; my personally sending
You to Hell will be this battle's one, true and only ending!
I don't need a deus ex machina to uproot you, Junior,
And flush you back down into a Mushroom Kingdom sewer!
My Temptations are superior; your crude tricks won't affect me,
And when I destroy you, I won't even make it sexy!
What I'll do to you won't involve any type of kiss,
But will still leave your life force totally eclipsed!
I'll trim your appendages until they are but Stubbs,
Then go straight for your stem and nip it right in the bud!
Good Heavens, look; it's nearly Suppertime!
I can spare a few minutes, though, so let me bust a rhyme:
If you go by "Poison Ivy", you can call me "Hemlock".
You say I'm a bad seed? Well, no shit, Sherlock!
Trying to dishearten me based on any moral grounds
Is like attempting the same with a certain psycho clown!
We're on a world tour; you can't even take a single city.
Ha! Say that ain't fair? Well, guess what: tough titty!
I'm a mean, green mother with a mother of a brain,
Wilting your ass like my name was Bruce Wayne!
You're looking at the REAL deal, not the shit cartoon version!
And before you diss me about that, remember: Uma Thurman.
Of all villainous vegetations, I'm not just in the Four Tops;
I'm THE all–time number–one pick of the crop!
You're dealing with the pinnacle of flowering phylums,
From whose ravenousness there is no Arkham Asylum!
I've trained with Yoda and Corman; you can't beat me!
You've ditched your blood for chlorophyll; you can't even FEED ME!
You'll Woodrue the day you messed with this plant.
"Independent"? You rely on what's in stupid jerks' pants!
You'd be nothing without your fancy pheromones and boobs.
My words were all I needed to grow bigger than hula–hoops!
I'll stick my tendrils up your nose and give you a lobotomy;
Then, you'll finally be one with the subject of your botany!
This perverse, repugnant people–eater won't be so passionate
When nature's true agents render him and his inanimate!
Your kind may be immune to my usual toxicity,
But let's see how you fare when I power a whole infantry!
Unlike my namesake, I'll give you far more than a rash
When my plant army rises and ends yours in a flash!
Come forth, my children, for there are monsters on our lawn,
And both your mothers, I and Mother Earth, demand that they begone!
Yes, blossom, my pretties! Grow For Me! BLOOM,
And instill these beasts with seven large rooms worth of gloom!
Once I've saved the world from you, I'll crown myself its queen,
Enslave mankind, and make our planet Absolutely Green!
Woah, there; slow down and hold the phone, girl.
If you really think you'll do all that, you're in a different world!
I'm a monster, alright, but are you really all that different?
There's a major distinction between normal plants and mutants!
For every ten of your pea shooters, I can make a million spores.
Say you'll save your precious planet? Well, I say UP YOURS!
Look around, and you'll see that my offspring are flourishing
While your kinds, both of them are dying and perishing,
So give it up; it's all over! And by the by,
Turns out "The Meek Shall Inherit" actually was a lie!
Mwha–Ha–Ha! And if you think we're having Some Fun Now,
Wait until I plow your bush with my hardwood bough!
Heh. That's funny because your "bough" is like a penis.
Audrey II: What the– …Who just had the gall to say that? You ain't supposed to spell out what a line like that means; if you have to explain a joke, there is no joke!
Oh, there's a joke here, alright…
…But I'm the one delivering its punchline, Twooey!
This time, the joke's on you, 'cause when it comes to Ivy,
I'm the only one who gets to make it past second base,
Just like offing the Bat is reserved for Mr. J,
Whose apprentice doesn't need his help to help this green–thumbed chemist
Put a sound stop to this vaguely–racist alien menace!
Catwoman? Pfffft. We're the essential Gotham Girls.
Find somewhere else to terrorize; we've got dibs on this world!
I'll end you more abruptly than Aaron Eckhart's Two–Face,
Then play you off on my kazoo with "Amazing Grace".
And once this Dark Knight's over, and I've made mulch out of you,
Maybe then I'll get the cred it takes to make my film debut!
Screw "Suppertime"; it's HAMMERTIME!
I may be just a hench–wench to the Clown Prince of Crime,
But in villain terms, that's like directly serving GOD.
I'm going full–psycho–mode like it's Suicide Squad!
What you call your "hardwood bough", I call a "very small subpoena",
Which I'll salvage from your remains to serve to my hyenas!
Vroom–vroom!; I'll run you through just like my name was Davidson!
But first, let's do some dental work on that jagged, rotten grin;
Keep your trap wide open, and be sure to say "Aaaahh!"
As I straighten out that big ol' smile with this here bazooka!
(Harley fires her bazooka; the rocket flies straight into Audrey II's gaping Pac–Man mouth as the monster doesn't seem to make any attempt to close it or otherwise dodge.)
Audrey II: Ha, was that supposed to blow me up? Supposed to make me explode in mid se- (*EXPLODES*)
Harley Quinn: Holy crap, I actually did it! Mr. J's gonna be so proud…
Poison Ivy: Um… I hate to burst your bubble, but there are still, like, a hundred more of those things stomping around!
Harley Quinn: Oh… right… This might take a while. Wait, do we have to do that rap battle thing with each one?
Poison Ivy: Wait, just try using that bazooka again.
Harley Quinn: Okay then, here goes nothing…
(She fires several rockets, and several Audrey II's are shown exploding)
Um… I think that'll do it!
EPILOGUE: (Shown as a slideshow)
Both Poison Ivy's plant army and Harley Quinn's breakthrough discovery of the Audrey IIs' weakness to internal explosions (which, implausibly enough, but not all that much more implausibly than the Audrey IIs' being able to rise to power in the first place) contributed greatly to the eventual destruction of all the remaining Audrey IIs. Following this, Poison Ivy turned her minions on the human population, with the intention of subjugating, rather than eating or otherwise killing, most. She ultimately conquered most of the Western Hemisphere… only to be overthrown by Batman a short time later. When asked why he was not present during the main war against the Audrey IIs, Batman simply replied "I'm Batman.", punched the reporter and disappeared with a smoke bomb.
WELL… THAT WAS ELABORATE TO A POSSIBLY NEEDLESS DEGREE.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 13: L Lawliet Vs. L. Ron Hubbard
My first "name battle", and also the only installment of Moleman's Epic Rap Battles to contain sincere and severe denouncement of real-life people and institutions.
Scientology, I am not sorry.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!
…L. RON HUBBARD!!!
L. Ron Hubbard:
I thought this guy's supposed to be some freaky savant,
But all I see's a giant letter in some fancy–schmancy font!
You're the single most Suppressive Person that I've ever seen,
Or at least, you would be, if you didn't hide behind a screen!
Show your face, and while you're at it, bring along your hermit author,
To properly face L.R.H. and get Bennetta Slaughtered!
I have high, high hopes of smashing you so violently,
You'll be left wishing your momma had aborted you silently!
I've traveled the whole world over, from Asia to Alaska.
When it comes to new religious movements, I am The Master,
Just like my homeboys in the States are masters of infiltration,
Penetrating the very nation through our Snow White Operation!
We're the closest to a real Illuminati that exists,
So back off, lest you end up on our enemies list!
Man, a large chunk of Hollywood is under my control;
We'll find you, take you to Gold Base, and throw you in the Hole!
Let me give you a rundown of some unfunny truths:
Forget Batman and Holmes; I'm the world's greatest sleuth…
…Not that I need to be to see right through your global scam.
"Bare–faced Messiah"? Try "Outright Madman"!
You're as crazy as Kira, and that's no mystery;
My suspicion that I'll beat you: 100% certainty!
You're a crappy lieutenant, and a sub–par writer, too;
Your work is fanfic–level; you even married a Mary Sue!
And speaking of "sue", I know better than to show my face
To a coward who meets every criticism with a court case!
You may have gotten the first move, but you're still gonna lose.
I'll leave you childishly jumping up and down like Tom Cruise!
No, I wouldn't call it a "cult", this little group of yours.
That would be an insult to films like "Rocky Horror"!
And for all the wealth you've siphoned, your legitimate worth
Is less than the box office gain from "Battlefield Earth"!
L. Ron Hubbard:
Hey, I'm an Operating Thetan; I invented Dianetics.
With all that sugar you've eaten, you're a latent diabetic!
You're a stalky, chalky weirdo, so don't get cocky.
Forget Wammy House; you're in Hubbard House now, Ryuzaki!
We'll relieve the Jap' Task Force of this Potential Trouble Source,
And give him a course in Rehabilitation Project Force.
That's right! You picked a fight with the wrong man, Lawliet,
Because I wasn't kidding about Operation Snow White!
You see, just a minute ago, while you were busy rapping,
My buddies back at Saint Hill Manor were all tapping
Into your private records; hear it, we got your credentials!
With connections like I have, nothing is confidential!
You're a lie–spewing, dream–crushing, blood–sucking monster,
But I can still take you down, regardless of my posture.
I was going to say that I'd take your cake and eat it,
But I'm sure your cake's a lie, just like all your other bullshit!
My identity's the only truth you'll ever reveal,
For in the end, I will win, and justice will prevail!
I know you think you're really clever, but you're in for a surprise,
Because you're not the only one who ever hired hacker spies.
Pretty soon, I might just have to change my letter to "V",
Because, you see, I've enlisted Anonymous to work for me!
We're leaking all your documents, and once they're released,
Your number of followers will yet again decrease.
L. Ron Hubbard:
Oh, it's on now! You just made yourself Fair Game;
I'm inflicting brutal justice, but justice, just the same!
I do what I want, bitch! I've got Ethics protection,
And I'm subjecting you to universal Disconnection!
We'll drive you stark, staring mad like this was Operation Freakout.
This "crappy" lieutenant's gonna be your Final Blackout,
'Cause while you may be a baggy–eyed, insomniac creep,
I'll have you know that I also am a Master of Sleep,
Who's gonna put you down into eternal REM slumber.
I'll laugh more than just a little once you're six feet under!
Call this "Mission Middle–Earth", 'cause it's the Council of L. Ron,
And I'm summoning the fellowship; give me an Assist, John!
Yo, I'm a Greased Bolt of Lightning; own five airplanes.
"Saturday Night Fever" before you could spell your name!
While your guys waste time on shit like "Operation Clambake",
I'm helping with real problems like the Haiti earthquake!
I'm Basically Perfect! I have good reason to brag.
Even look damn–near–Divine dressed up in drag!
You say I'm gay? Dude, Look Who's Talking!
I make women faint with just the style of my walking.
I'm sure you've been told that you need a psychiatrist,
But I'd instead direct you to the Oxford Analysis.
I warn you, though, it might be hard to Stay Alive
If your auditor decides to use the R2–45!
(Travolta jokingly pulls out a gun; it suddenly, accidentally and mysteriously goes off, the bullet hitting L right between the eyes and killing him instantly)
John Travolta: Woah!
L. Ron Hubbard: What the fuc- Oh shit, maaaaan!
John Travolta: Oh man, I shot L in the face...
L. Ron Hubbard: Xenudamnit, John!
John Travolta: Hey, I didn't mean to do it! The gun went off, I don't know why…
…So, um… does this mean we win?
????: No. It means I win.
I knew you two'd prefer that to have been the end,
But there's no way in Mu I'm gonna let you freaks win.
Don't you dare even start to think that you're in the Clear,
For while this battle isn't over yet, the end is Near.
Nate "Near" River:
L the Second here, coming straight at you from SPK:
Stacking rhyme upon rhyme and blowing you away,
Like frozen aliens 'round volcanoes in your creation myth,
Than which I've heard more plausible claims from Joseph Smith!
I would call you chickens, but you're closer to maggots,
And my words will Crash into you harder than those of Paul Haggis!
Don't boast about your airplanes, John; don't you recall
How you failed to take care of your most important Jett of all?
Yeah, I went there! See, just like you, I don't play fair,
But I'm a prodigy, while you're full of nothing but hot air!
I'm not toying around; I do enough of that with my playthings.
I condemn you outright; my words are straight–up scathing!
You made yourself a prophet just to make yourself a profit,
But I'll leave you and your buddy here both Trapped in the Closet,
While I hire up some mafioso guys on loan from Mello
To sink the Freewinds, the Diana, the Athena, the Apollo,
And all your other ships, including your old Navy boats!
When I'm done with you, bitch, you're gonna wish you had a Death Note
To write down your own name in shame, while I proudly proclaimed:
It's all over, Lafayette! You've lost the game.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!
Chapter 14: Avatar Aang Vs. Ben Tennyson
My biggest battle at the time it was made, and my most popular to this very day.
Also my most one-sided-by-design. Oops, spoilers.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!
I've come fully dressed; even studied for a math test,
To ensure my victory's security without contest!
Defeating you will be more trivial than the Great Divide.
Keep your alien–whatevers; the elements are on my side,
And I've been trained in all four, mastering every one.
You're a Ben of all trades, but a master of none;
Mario trumps you hands–down when it comes to Plumbers,
And Phineas and Ferb had a more eventful Summer…
…Well, actually, so did I, but that's not what I really meant…
…Hm, I'll just put it this way: You can go get bent!
I'm nature incarnate; you're in way over your head.
Even if you somehow killed me, I still wouldn't stay dead;
Haven't you heard? I've got reincarnation benefits.
I'm immortal as your Davy Jones–lookalike nemesis,
And all I've said up to this point was just the calm before the storm,
But now I'll hit you with the full force of a whole Alien Swarm!
Ha, your "Race Against Time" was a joke next to mine;
I saved a credible world, stopped long–term war crimes!
You ride your granddad's RV; I own a giant flying bison!
I'm an honest work of art; you're built around merchandising.
I'll leave you permanently stuck in the form of the Worst.
You pride yourself on a premise that someone else did first!
That's right: you're just as much of a copy as Albedo.
Four words, Tennyson: Dial H for Hero.
I see you've taken several levels in badass, Cailou,
But no Upgrade will Grey Matter when I go Heatblast and fry you!
Your head is full of air; I've got a head of solid of diamond;
I'll make a bigger joke of you than the folks at Ember Island
When I butcher you like phrases by your long-lost brother Omi;
Steal all your fans away except the rabid fools like Foamy,
Sink you down more deeply than the H.M.S. Zutara,
And beat you so bad, that if it doesn't break your samsara,
It'll still take you your next ten reincarnations
Just to rise from the ashes of your shame and humiliation!
I'm the Protector of Earth, with the Ghostfreaking Omnitrix.
Your best gadget is a giant paper fan inside a stick,
Which you should use right now to go Stinkfly away and hide,
Like you did, or rather, tried, during your people's genocide!
You nomad, bro? Come on; there's no need to hate
Just because I'll beat you ten times faster than XLR8,
And more effortlessly than your Xbox game achievements!
Think you'll best my all heroes with your puny elements?
Well, newsflash: not only is ten greater than four,
But it's also an understatement; I've got dozens more!
I'll Armodrillo right through you like the walls of Ba Sing Se;
Steal your face, name and title when I take your DNA,
So call me Koh… or better yet, James Cameron.
Either way, I'll twist your ass worse than M. Night Shyamalan
When I tear those tattoos of yours clean off your body,
Then grab myself a real arrow, and shove it in your knee!
Just had some fireside chat with Avatar Roku; he says:
Avatar Roku: Ditch this brat and fight someone worthy, like Kid Goku!
Aang: Threatening me with fire? Now, that's simply no use!
I quench flames so hard, you'd swear I bended cactus juice.
Send in Ozai, Sozin and even Ragnaros,
'Cause I'll turn any Fire Lord you throw at me into a ghost,
Like my pal Danny Phantom, who could also beat you with ease.
You may think you're Way Big, but you're just Saturday morning cheese!
I'm utterly unrelenting when I'm Energybending.
Your "ultimate form" stands still while you're busy dissenting
With two giant faces, but even they would have to agree:
I'm on par with Bionicle; you're more like Hero Factory!
Then, everything changed when I attacked back,
'Cause I'm a real Man of Action with the powers you lack,
Like staying power; stamina to rap a whole decathlon.
I'm on my fourth freaking series, and still going strong!
I've sold more toys than any teenage boy since Ash Ketchum,
So bring your whole gaang along; I'll decimate 'em, and then some!
(At this point, Ben abruptly changes to his more cartoonish appearance from the "Omniverse" series)
Four Arms will sock Sokka so hard, he'll go flying up into space,
Reunite with his girlfriend, and leave a crater in her face,
While Humungousaur stomps Momo out like Bambi Meets Godzilla
And Big Chill freezes your girl just like she did to Azula,
Before I smack the hope out of her – no, not you, Charmcaster;
Traumatically beating her to the sound of SpongeBob's laughter.
And as for that blind chick, I'll crush her fair and square…
*Unintelligible gibbering as Wildmutt*
Gwen Tennyson: When Wildmutt mauls her like a platypus bear!
Dude, what the hell just happened to your design?!
I never even mocked your old one; you looked just fine!
And on your threatening my posse, well, you're doing it wrong,
'Cause you forgot the one homeboy that I did bring along:
I don't need luck, nor do I need to shoot lightning
To beat you to your lowest point and leave no silver lining.
Make you more butthurt than that guy with the cabbages;
Burn you so bad, leave you covered in bandages.
Say "uncle", and you'll still end up looking like Snare–oh,
'Cause that'll be my cue to gang up on you with Iroh!
And once you're stripped of every single shred of honor,
I'll let you rot in jail; make you cellmates with my father.
But seriously, me and you? There's no discussion!
You're a common delinquent who's way too close with his cousin,
And shares his voice with multiple princesses,
None of whom could hope to match my crazy sister bitch!
I'm the fangirls' first choice when it comes to bad boys,
So eat your heart out, Loki; you too, Draco Malfoy!
Not since Dickens has there been a greater tale of redemption,
And if you value your life, you won't dare even mention…
'Sup, bitches? They call me Kevin 11,
And I'm about to send you to the opposite of Heaven,
'Cause I've got a– *Wilhelm Scream, is engulfed in flames*
…That miserable, punk–ass, sociopath cheater,
The least plausible so–called reformation since Vegeta!
Thank you; you may now f**k Katara for one day.
Now, then, Ben, as I'd been meaning to say:
On the reason you suck, you yourself pretty much said it:
You're a self–indulgent sellout, who doesn't know when to quit!
I can tell a coherent story with a beginning, middle and end.
You've made up more filler than Lost's writers could defend,
With your ridiculous surplus of cheap new aliens,
And giving everyone unneeded half–human origins,
With TV movies, retcons, crossovers and spin–offs galore;
You were likable at first, maybe, but not anymore!
And just who the hell is Rook Blonko? What is this crap?!
Live–action fi… okay, bad example, but still; I'm not even rapping anymore.
Simply put, YOU. ARE. NOT. THAT. GREAT! Your show isstandard–fare children's entertainment, not the next Star Trek; you don't deserve a franchise! Well, I'm putting a stop to it right here, and right now.
(Starts rising into the air, eyes and body glow, voice becomes "demonic")
BEN TENNYSON, YOU ARE OVERRATED AND FULL OF YOURSELF, AND NOW, YOU SHALL PAY THE ULTIMATE PRICE! I AM THE MOTHERF**KING AVAT–
(Ben, as Feedback, strikes Aang down with a blast of electricity; he plummets lifelessly, and and inexplicably explodes upon hitting the ground)
Ben: DIE, you crazy son of a bitch!
Goodbye, and Good Riddance!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!
Ben: Hey, you forgot to do the "Who Won?" thi–
Ben: Wait, what?
Ben: What's going on?!
Ben: …What, who?
Ben: …Um……I have literally no idea what to say right now.
I don't even know who this chick is.
…So, yeah, I've got nothing.
I told you I was immortal, Benny,
And unlike Ra's al Ghul, I meant it literally,
Because I'm back in the flesh, albeit in a girl's body,
And I'm avenging myself; call me Takeo Masaki!
You're all burned out, but I'm still fresh and juicy,
So get ready for pain, 'cause this is gonna be a doozy:
They call me Korra, and I've got money in the bank;
Spitting purer platinum than an Equalist tank.
This ain't no tan; I'm proud to be all–naturally brown,
And even when I'm de–bended, no one can keep me down!
I'm more ballin' than Bolin; I'm fire on this mic,
Mastering the elements back since I was just a tyke!
You're so weak, that even if you hadn't just choked,
I'm sure your disses would be lamer than Amon's stand–up jokes!
Ben: Okay, I got one, I got one. Oh yeah? Well, I still have a couple other trix up my sleeve.
You struggle just to be the leaf; I can be anything I please!
Korra: Not when I make your powers cease to exist,
Not by severing your chi paths, but by severing your wrist!
Then I'll see your ass locked up deep down in Boiling Rock,
And have them take you there on the same boat with Tarrlok!(*Explosion sound*)
I'm not the one wrecking you; you're wrecking yourself,
'Cause messing with me is known to be hazardous to health!
This is starting to drag on like your show, so I'd better split,
But just remember: I'm the Avatar. You gotta deal with it!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 15: Zim Vs. Crypto
A clash of alien invaders over superiority on multiple levels, and my personal tribute to one of the most unjustly cut-short cartoons of all time.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!
Fasten your squeedlyspooch, lest I blast it out your gut;
They call me Crypto, but I ain't no super–mutt!
I'm a furious Furon, zapping this irksome Irken,
Whose rhymes are like his disguises – paper thin.
You barely pass for a schoolboy; I'm the goddamn President!
I'm the superior invader–infiltrator; don't question it!
It's literally funny, how you pose such little threat!
You're a defective reject who can't even get wet,
And when even simple rainfall is enough to make you squirm,
You have no chance to survive my meteor storm.
I'll verbally dissect you; with the full wise–crack gamut;
Forget Foodcourtia; you belong at Pizza Planet.
I harvest thousands of brains; you steal your classmates' spleens.
Call this land development, because the grey's destroying the green!
I'm Arkvoodle's chosen, and you'll soon regret fighting me
When I give your ass a probing of the jumbo variety.
LIES, all LIES, you filthy, LYING hack!
You're a bigger LIAR than the guys from Mars Attacks! (GIR: Ack ack ack ack!)
Like radioactive pants, invader blood runs through my veins;
You're a drunken mooch who can't live up to his game's name,
But lives up to his name, spewing verbal diarrhea!
A clone's clone's clone with nonexistent genitalia!
My tech has madman style, with a hint of cyberpunk.
Yours is all derived from cliched B–movie junk!
Lay a finger on me, and I'll sic my lawn gnomes on you;
Send a pig back in time, and clog the tube that spawned you!
Path of the Furon? Try "Path to your DOOM"! (GIR: DOOM!)
I'll use your own Black Hole Gun to send you to the moose room.(GIR: Moosey fate!)
You're just as dumb as the beast in that dimension,
And Destroying All Humans isn't even your intention,
While extermination truly is my mission's ambition!
If you're named for parasites, they should've called you "Head Pigeons".
Dude, you sound like Pox if someone took out his brain
And replaced it with one made out of solid cocaine!
Though it's true that your goals are closer to genocidal,
While I treat humans more like cattle, contrary to my title,
The thing is: My havoc–wreaking skills are more than proficient,
While you suck utter monkey balls at your mission!
Hypocrite! What does YOUR body count amount to?
You couldn't carry out a slaughter even if Nick allowed you!
I'll thwart your "Cloning Bay of Pigs" attack like a space–Castro;
Blast your PAK clean off your back with my little friend Gastro.
I'm a living Pandemic, crushed Majestic, I'm sadistic!
You're a failure of eugenics, pathetic and beyond misfit!
YOU FOOL! Don't question my hardcore blackheartedness;
I called Dibs on my victory before we even started this,
Because I AM ZIM! I'm evil to the brim;
I do whatever I want, when I want and on a whim!
Like one of your Burrow Beasts, I'm audacious and voracious;
Your LIES don't discourage me, 'cause I'm downright tenacious.
Your nightmare has begun, and my plan is underway
To make this battle bloodier than GIR on a bad day!
I'll see your Psychokinesis that reads people's thoughts,
And raise you the voice of Tim Schafer's Psychonauts!
You may be a one–man army, but that doesn't deter me;
I've gone toe–to–toe with R. Lee Ermey! (GIR: And won, too!)
The gloves come off now; Nick can no longer stop me
From going outright homicidal like my name was Johnny,
Cutting all the crap and sending you straight to your tomb!
I'm serving up some DEATH, so enjoy your DOOM!!! (GIR: Yay, you're doomed!)
(Zim pulls out a decidedly human–made firearm and shoots Cryptosporidium–137 dead at point–blank range. The Furon then immediately reappears, fully alive and intact as Cryptosporidium–138.)
Don't be petty, now; you knew that wouldn't kill me.
The only difference now is that I'm packing Big Willy,
And I'm not talking about our fast–food mecha–mascot,
Though I've brought that along, too, to crush your retard robot,
Whose head is almost as empty as the claims in your lines!
I've seen more competent invasion tactics in Signs.
I plow through whole armies, fight giant robot–squids;
You can't even get rid of one single snooping kid!
You're a fraud and a joke, just like the Master.
The greatest enemy you ever battled was a hamster!
I'm painting you a picture of your own deconstruction;
Halting your antics faster than your series' production!
Oh, please; You've gone native, you're a filthy xenophile!
No wonder you'e hated even by your own bastard child.
I'm Psychopathic like ICP; Nick couldn't handle me,
And I don't give a flying poop taco that they cancelled me,
Because like Santa, I live on in people's minds and hearts,
As well as up in space, AND on DeviantArt!
And even now, a decade later, I'm still a Hot Topic!
Your legacy's like your Shrink Ray victims: microscopic.
(To the tune of the Invader Zim theme)
MOLEMAN'S EP–IC RAP, EP–IC RAP, EPIC–RAP BA–TTLES! MOLEMAN'S EP–IC RAP, EP–IC RAP, EPIC RAP BA–TTLES!!!!
(GIR: I love this show!)
Chapter 16: Shinji Ikari Vs. Rorschach
In the Moleman's Epic Rap Battles Season 1 Finale, it's a thematically monumental battle of deconstructionist "heroes" from two of the most mind-blowing sagas of modern fiction.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Expecting a breakdown? I'll do no such thing this match:
I'll display all of my pain and suffering like a bloody badge
As I show the world my true worth as the greater deconstruction;
Teach this so-called "tortured" soul the meaning of dysfunction!
I'm anything but aloof, but I'll provide eternal proof
Of my superiority to any Charlton spoof...
...Oh, what's the point in trying; who am I even fooling?
I'm almost as fucked up as this maniac I'm dueling!
...Wa-wait, No! Get it together... you mustn't run away;
Just remember all that stuff from Warhammer 40k...
...Oh, wipe that look off your inky face! You don't understand me,
And I'd expect no different from a murderous vigilante!
I'm the better person here, and I say that with rare confidence;
I'll be the first to admit to my cowardice and incontinence,
But compared to this ungodly sloven, I'm Adam and Lilith's freaking gift to women,
With scoring from Beethoven... though, then again, you've got Bob Dylan...
...Look, how my story ends is something no one seems to know,
But I'm pretty sure I didn't become a bloodstain in the snow!
And speaking of blood, forget your smiley face of doom,
'Cause that's nothing next to the mark that I left on the moon
When I... Oh God, the horror; the sea of human orange juice...
...Oh man, I can't do this; it's hopeless, there's no use!
I'm a terrible person, and I ought to be dead;
Oh, maybe I should have let them send in Rei to rap instead...
Rorschach's Journal, December, 2015:
The streets echo with the cries of this teenage drama queen.
Definitely perverted; no need to inspect further:
Jerks off to girls in comas and clones of his own mother.
Like Pagliacci, he's a sad, pathetic, self-loathing clown,
And while men get arrested, dogs get put down,
And tonight, a little bitch dies in Tokyo-3 City
For the crime of having the sheer NERV to mess with me!
Gaze upon my face, and I stare back from the abyss;
I'm cruel like an angel when I spit out my thesis:
If my "battle" with this emo waste is meant to be a joke,
That's sicker humor than what the Comedian evokes!
What are you, stupid?! To step to me, you must be!
I live in ebony and ivory, like Fearful Symmetry;
Well I may be a psycho, but I guess that's better than being weak-willed!
I'll go Third Impact on your face, and see to it that You Can (Not) Rebuild.
And on faces: even without mine, I'm one cool ginger;
Don't bother crying for help, 'cause you know what I'll whisper.
While you're sulking in depression; I dish out righteous aggression!
I'm based on Vic Sage, and yet there's still no Question
That the end is nigh for this whimpering little whiner;
One minute to midnight on his personal doomsday timer,
And as he speaks last words, a new world record will be set:
The first person in history to flunk the Rorschach Test.
(Cut back to Shinji doing what he does best: sobbing like a whiny little tool)
ANNOUNCER: SHINJI, GET BACK IN THE FUCKING ROB- ERM... BATTLE!
Aaaugh, okay... alright, alright, I'm fine...
Listen here, Mr. Short, Slim, Smelly and Scary:
I'll disgrace you so badly, you can call me Happy Harry!
I'm not locked in here with you, nor are you locked in here with me;
I realize now that both of us are screwed up equally,
And yet in spite of my faults, I at least know who I am,
While you hide under a dress-cut mask, you schizophrenic sham!
Why do I pilot the Eva? That's not even consequential,
Because just like Ren and Stimpy, I'm way existential!
I'm the one who's misunderstood and worthy of sympathy;
You're just a stubborn sociopath of unwarranted popularity,
So haul your vagrant ass home on some passing garbage truck.
Your basis said it best, Walter: "Rorschach sucks."
Hurm, convenient. Suddenly you discover your testicles,
And like your balls themselves, the change is barely perceptible.
Even now, you make poor old Daniel look like yours truly.
Your arguments are as full of nonsense as Fooly Cooly!
Don't go off about your so-called existentialist philosophy;
It's phoned-in: all for show, like that religious iconography!
You're delirious again, Ikari; get a freaking grip
Before I break your fingers off, like Tales from the Crypt!
Would say I'd snap your spine, too, but pretty sure you have no vertebrae;
Would go as far as calling you the Willy Loman of anime,
While I even exact justice when I go to take a dump.
I'm like a full-time berserker, so come and get me, chump!
(Cut again to Shinji, now in the midst of yet another breakdown)
Shinji Ikari: I... I can't do this... help me! Somebody, help me! Somebody, anybody, please?! I'm begging you!!!
Son, I am disappoint. Yet, you have served your purpose here, and now, just as planned, I will be the one to finish this...
Out from behind closed doors, I emerge to take the floor;
Heart hardened like an EVA's core, frigid like the Cold War,
Yet I rely on Children no more as I step into the fray
To hijack this verbal melee like the schemings of SEELE!
Yep, it's Gendo, baby, and though my son's a super-wimp,
You'll find the apple falls far, because his dad's an uber-pimp!
Any Akagi will attest that I'm one manly ladies' man;
Looking boss with my shiny shades and steeple-clasped hands.
Such is my power, I've even run for office in real life,
While you're a bigger fool for "justice" than I am for my dead wife,
And though you boast brutal brawling skills and crude grappling gadgetry,
I'm close to David Xanatos in my mastery of gambitry!
You beating me has a one-in-a-billion probability;
Like your one-man war on crime, it's an effort in futility,
Yeah, I got bit in half like a Liu Kang fatality,
But I flow rhymes so seamless, call it rhythm Instrumentality.
I penetrate your mind and soul like Arael; I don't relent,
Because my sync rate with this beat is over four hundred percent!
Why turn all of humanity to one big puddle of orange?
It's simple, really. The truth is, _________________________!
Forget that asshole Joffrey, I'm the king of bastard-kind,
And Francisco Scaramanga's gun has nothing on mine,
'Cause I can one-shot anybody, anywhere, any day;
That's right, it's Gendownage time! Brian, take it away!
Brian Johnson: FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK...
*Gendo fires gun*
... WE SALU- *Record scratch*
(A caped figure suddenly jumps out in front of Rorschach, seemingly taking the bullet for him before landing sprawled on the ground... and getting up moments later, discarding the projectile from his bloodied hand.)
You know, I wasn't really sure that would work...
Well, folks, this sure has been quite a wild show we've had,
With a psychopath, an emo, and his deadbeat dad.
Here's hoping you've enjoyed the ramblings of these three stooges
As your host wraps up our evening; alright, let's do this!
My name's Adrian Veidt, and as I take over this fight,
I'll try keeping things polite; just call me your white knight.
I'm an enterpriser, mastermind, self-made billionaire;
Feast your ears upon my funky words, ye mighty, and despair!
Yo "bastard king", think you can beat the king of kings?
I'll make you as my puppet; watch me tangle all your strings:
You've put a bullet in my palm, and my hand is badly bleeding,
But at least it's not implanted with any alien seedling!
Strike you like a Thunderbolt with extraordinary grace;
Make you look like Walter White, fallen flat on your face.
I had the balls to do whatever it took to save mankind;
I'd tell this little coward that, but he already seems resigned.
And Rorschach, do we really have go through this again?
There's a whole book< on me beating you: it's called Watchmen,
And don't say your journal took me down, 'cause that's a load of drivel;
Nobody can even read, much less believe, your tome of scribbles!
My Karnak base is cold, but my rhymes flow red-hot;
Slicing yours clean in half like the Gordian Knot!
As the world's smartest man, I'll put this bluntly as I can:
I won this battle half an hour before it began.
Wait... I can end this stronger than that...
Twilight Sparkle: Congratulations!
Sally Acorn: Congratulations!
Johnny #5: Congratulations!
Nigel Uno: Congratulations.
Mr. Satan: Congratulations!
Ned Flanders: Congratulations!
Jim Dale: Cun-cra-JEW-lations!
Poison Ivy: Congratulations.
John Travolta: Congratulations!
Moleman9000: ...Thank you all.
(To the tune of "A Cruel Angel's Thesis")
MOLE-MAN'S EP-IC RAP-RAP-RAP-RAP-RAP-RAP BAT-TLES! MOLE-MAN'S EP-IC RAP-RAP-RAP-RAP-RAP BAT-TLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 17: Sally Acorn Vs. Mega Man 2
For my Season 2 premiere, I created a rematch to the previous battle of mine which was closest to justifying a rematch per being so uniquely random in the first place, and threw multiple wrenches into it. Enjoy!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES… SEASON 2, BITCHES!!!!!
Flynn made a mess, and some fans threw a fit,
But it was when that douchebag Kenny sued that everything went apeshit,
So they cast my hide aside, resolution to my plight denied,
While they brought in your rusty little rear and made the mess called Worlds Collide!
And from that poor man's "Crisis" on one Mobius and one Earth,
My homeworld's seen some major changes we can't legally reverse:
Just ask my brother or my mother. Wait, you can't; they don't exist,
But I'm still here – back in the flesh, with lightsabers on my wrists!
Burst that Bubble Lead of yours before, now watch me do it again:
Biggest mega-disgrace to your legacy since Captain–Fucking–N!
I'll be immune to every attack, when I go hard like a Mettaur's hat,
Spitting sharp words like the spikes that kill you at the slightest contact.
You know who I roll with; best believe I go fast.
Call me Iron Queen: usurp your sinking franchise from your washed–up ass!
You could say I'm like Tron Bonne, 'cause I'll be serving you forty times:
Just like her lawsuits against Gru over their henchmen's designs!(*Minion laugh*)
I'm a strong, independent rebel princess who don't need no help from Obi–Wan;
The day I let you out-rap me is the day I marry Antoine,
Because for all your talk of lasting peace, you couldn't be more reliant on violence,
So shut your whiny trap, and go pester Naugus in the Zone of Silence.
Come at me fully–Powered Up, nine E–Tanks in supply;
This Freedom Fighter queen will beat you 'til she runs those reserves dry!
No need to weasel my way through this; beating you is just my Nack.
This Acorn's like a macadamia: she's one tough nut to crack!
Enough from you, Ricky; don't you make one more squeak:
You're insufferable as Squirrel Girl, if she wasn't tongue–in–cheek!
Dug up some dirt on you with Rush, so I could give you the Blues,
Like Proto Man, who did some major whistle–blowing for me, too!
I'll make your TV comeback hopes go "BOOM!" like French animators;
Make this cannon on my arm your Ultimate Annihilator!
Thunder Beam you 'cross the room in pieces like a Yellow Devil,
Then use your soul to make a new S–Model Biometal!
Kill you in cold blood, then say you had the Sigma Virus;
Claiming self–defense, like I was Zero and you're Iris.
Robo-hero legend speaking – not just any Sniper Joe.
Screw Marvel vs. Capcom; viva Super Smash Bros.!
I beat the robo–solar system, from Neptune to Venus.
Haul off to AoStH's world; go suck a PINGAS!
You're the Knothole Village bicycle, and even Rotor knows;
Took censors twenty years to give this skank a full set of clothes!
The Hercules of automatons: I always go the distance.
You're like Wily himself, because you fail at existence!
I'll shoot the brown clean off your coat and turn your ass pink,
While my Navi self deletes a certain virtual lynx.
Light up the Night; wreak Vengeance to the sounds of my own rock opera.
Go so hard, you'd think I'm doped on Force Metal–Supra,
'Cause my power score's a million, times a hundred and ten!
Your mega–ownage isn't over either, bitch; I brought a friend:
Don't you call me "friend", Rock – you will address me as "Master";
When it comes to robo-heroes, I'm the Omega Factor!
I'm Astro–nomical; the God of manga's favored pride and joy,
And you've got about as much chance of beating me as Robotboy!
Royal rodent of the West, come face the far–East Mickey Mouse;
Not even Thor is gonna stop me when I bring down your Acorn House!
Seems we're alike in at least one way: not afraid to go 'round shirtless,
But girl, I'm in the Robot Hall of Fame; you belong in a furry circus!
I'm the Pinocchio of sci–fi, and that's no lie; screw you, A.I.!
Such intense focus on this rhythm, it's as if I had a third eye!
I freely fly across the sky; don't need no doggie adaptor.
Got a heart of gold that doubles as a nuclear reactor.
Had so many different series, it's confusing just to list them,
And I'll hurl you way past Pluto, into a whole different Star System!
Sacrificed myself to save the sun, long before Cillian Murphy did
Go back to reading bedtime stories, Sally; you're not worthy, kid!
Ask anyone in Niiza, where my name's duly enshrined:
The Mighty Atom simply can't be smashed, even by Albert Rothstein!
(Beat stops, screen abruptly goes black)
This shooting star'll sink your ship soon as he comes on board,
Crashing down into this battle like a giant–ass sword.
I know about timed rhymes; they're my most critical priority,
And when I'm on the mic, I'm my own highest authority!
Yo, I come fully–stacked at 99 Flower Points.
Forget bronze, silver or gold; I be spitting straight Frog Coins!
I take the cake, make no mistake: it's like my name was Bundt;
Cannon–blasting wack machines of war and Chipette reject cu–
WOAH, WOAH, HOLD IT; NOBODY INVITED YOU!
YOUR WISH IS TO BE IN THIS? WELL, IT'S NOT GONNA COME TRUE!
GET YOUR ASS BACK TO THE FOREST; LEAVE THE RAPPING TO THE OTHERS.
YOU ARE NOT IN THIS BATTLE, AND YOU'RE NOT IN SMASH BROTHERS!
Oh, come on now, Papa Mole! Don't treat me like a stranger;
I help Mario battle bad guys like the Axem Rangers.
Geno's whirling up onto the stage by popular demand,
And if you don't let me stay here, dude, I'm blowing up Japan!(Holds up detonator)
HOLY CRAP; TALK ABOUT AN ACT OF GENOCIDE!
OKAY, FINE, CHUCKY, YOU WIN; STAY ALONG FOR THE RIDE!
Yeah, when nutjobs mess with this here piece of wood, they get cracked;
Toss you clear across the field like an NY quarterback.
I'll weave a verbal maze to spend the rest of your rapping lives,
'Cause you're a bunch of Squares, like the guys who own my legal rights!
THAT'S IT! I've had enough upstaging for one life,
But before I let this slide. I'd sooner be a monkey's wife!
I came here for a grudge match, not a battle royale,
But now, I'm left with no choice; Hey Rock, you asked for this, pal:
Sonic the Hedgehog:
It's my world, when I come out and step it up into the zone;
Chaotic raps! Like this was Camelot, I'm stealing the throne!
Throw you for a Shuttle Loop with that mad Spin Dash.
YOU'RE TOO SLOW to take me on; let me battle the Flash!
Score that S–Rank with flying Colors when I Unleash my rhymes,
With 700 rings in hand, and I'll Crush you 40 times!
And I can't promise that you'll Live, but you're sure as Iblis Learn
Just What I'm Made Of, when my speed gives you all wack friction burns!
Wait, what? No! Hey, you – announcer voice up above,
That's the modern Sega Sonic, not the man I know and love;
Get my real boyfriend in here so we can properly win this!
WELL, SALLY, IS THERE EVEN REALLY THAT MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE?
For the love of Furry–Jesus, of course there is! Yes!
WELL, GEE, IN THAT CASE, EXCUUUUUUUSE ME, PRINCESS!
Look, I don't want to argue; please just make this whole mess right:
Bring in the character as played on TV by Jaleel White!
AS THE JOKER WOULD SAY, SALLY, VERY POOR CHOICE OF WORDS:
I'M GONNA EXPLOIT THE HELL OUT OF WHAT I JUST HEARD!
Sonic the Hedgehog:
(Has been continuing to rap during the above exchange, seeming oblivious to it and his lines in the background audible only as "blah blah blah", etc.)
…Cracked so many eggs, could live on omelet– GAAAAHHH!
(*Is suddenly impaled from behind by an offscreen assailant, and then explodes for no reason. The screen goes dark.*)
Hehehehe… Did I do that?
Heidi–ho! It's me, Steve, but this ain't Blue's Clues;
No, it's the Urk–Man in this Full House, giving y'all the Urkel Blues!
Always the life of the party when I get down to dance;
Total pro at stealing shows, so hang on to your pants,
'Cause I'll be wearing you down until you fall and can't get up.
Being me is pretty hard work, but Thank God I'm Fly enough!
I'm a breakout when I break loose on the television set,
And I'll break you Perfect Strangers without breaking a sweat.
Screw Family: I'm what Matters! I'm the ultimate geek.
When I show up on the scene, just watch those ratings start to peak!
This grumpy little doll seems to think he's badass and medieval,
But wait and see how tough he is once he meets up with Stevil.
Rock over here may have a franchise, but I'll ruin that advantage
When I make Capcom go flat-bankrupt from property damage!
This other 'bot's the fruit of some guy trying to clone his dead son,
But I can make real clones; just ask Stephan.
Hey, what's wrong, Sal? You ain't looking like you should.
Do I make you feel uncomfortable? Aw, that's no good!
Well, I don't need you to be anybody I wanna be,
Literally: swapped genes with folks like Elvis and Bruce Lee.
Besides, no one's gonna be replacing Laura in my heart,
And girl, you ain't even Myra, so don't you even start,
Or else I'll stalk you home tonight and put an A–bomb in your dinner,
'Cause I'm cooler than the Fonz, so just accept it: I'm the winner!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SEASON TWO... Whether you like it or not!
Chapter 18: Gaston Vs. Hans
In the first part of a loose "saga" of sorts within the larger MERB series, it's a clash between two sinister suitors of the Disney universe.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!
Bonjour, asshole! You wanna duke it out with this?
Dan Plainview drinks milkshakes, and I finish your sandwiches!
Burst in, kick your ass, and plant that true love's French kiss;
People love to hate me; you just make folks plain pissed!
There's Norway you can win; no one raps like Gaston!
I'll send you falling to your death; happy trails, Hans!
Yeah, I failed to kill the Beast, but I can topple you, at least;
Drive you mad and have you locked away like Crazy Old Maurice!
Got that operatic voice, bass–baritone range,
Just like my great–uncle Brom; you're more like Ichabod Crane!
And Frozen hasn't even been out for a single year yet;
You can't make a good rap battle with a man you've just met!
I'll cement it as a trend to punch you squarely in the face,
Invite your brothers over here, and have you finish fourteenth place.
LeFou: You tell 'em, boss!
Gaston: It's true, LeFou: I'm the best at what I do.
Now, if only there was someone out there who loved you!
LeFou: Wow, what a pathetic loser... totally unlike you, boss.
Mr. Potts, I trust you'll pardon the harsh words of this kettle,
As they'll leave you like a wilted rose, bereft of every petal.
I've come full of surprises for this pea–brained gorilla;
This royal Foreigner's Cold as Ice, but far from Vanilla.
When I play the game of thrones, I keep it subtly poetic,
But when I'm on the mic, I spit pyrokinetics.
Better add a few more cartons to your daily egg regimen:
I've seen snowmen measuring as more intimidating specimens.
My Frozen Heart's an Open Door of which you should beware,
And these sideburns alone are manlier than your rat's nest chest of hair.
Be my guest: call up a lynch mob on me. I'm not scared;
Your posse lost to a militia of furniture and kitchenware!
I'm ambitious, you're petty; All your boasting doesn't phase me,
Nor would getting my hands messy here. In fact, I love crazy,
And when I see your head mounted up on your own trophy wall,
This rapping monarch will have finally found his kingdom after all.
You scrawny little prick! You've tangled with the wrong man,
And now it's gonna get real!
LeFou: I'll strike up the band!
Gaston: You're living proof of Disney princes getting cheaper by the dozen;
You couldn't even beat Groose, my dimwit elven half–cousin.
Like a hairless, clawless Scar, you're clearly envious of my pride,
But you'll shatter like the mirror you're based on when our blows collide!
I've got muscles, man! Like Casey, I'm a superstar slugger;
And when I'm done with you, you'll be a major fixer–upper!
I'm the classic evil suitor; you're better off ignored,
So saddle up on your pony and haul it back to the fjord!
Your strongest suit is rejection; should've settled for the Bimbettes!
I, on the other hand, can actually woo a princess;
A devious chameleon, effortlessly blending in.
No one ever sees me coming; like a sober Mandarin!
Tearing holes into the hull of the barge that is your ego;
Go ask Anna if I ruin ships. My words are like torpedoes,
So go hang with your pal Frollo at the nearest Taco Bell;
I've got an exile to attend to. Be seeing you in Hell!
(*Slams door and leaves*)
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!
Chapter 19: Reimu Hakurei Vs. Godzilla
Taking the rather gimmicky premise of "Touhou Vs. Toho" and absolutely running with it, it's David-ettes against a couple of Goliaths in this particularly titanic MERB installment!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!
Think I'm scared of you just 'cause I barely come up to your toes?
Prepare to learn how deep the Shanghai Alice rabbit hole goes:
I'm a one–girl army, dreamt up by a one–man team,
Flying around past seas of bullets, spamming neon laser beams;
Near–untouchably nimble, and my hitbox is so small.
Yours is big as they come, and all the harder you'll fall!
I'm an oriental cutie with an elegant aura,
Taking the biggest dump on you since your duel with Hedorah!
Come a long way since I started bouncing 'round that Yin–Yang ball,
And nowadays, my friends and I have half the internet enthralled.
You're old news, Goji, like an apple gone rotten;
Leave you like the old PC cast: obsolete and forgotten!
I'm no slacker when it comes to double–dealing verbal pain:
Enough rhymes to blow your mind across both of your brains!
I'll 1CC this battle without bombs on Lunatic Mode,
Tie you down, and pour a truckload of tea down your throat!
Old Godzilla's hip–hopping around,
About to stomp this patron saint of weeaboos into the ground!
Still incumbent, reigning King of Monsters after six decades,
Pointing out the many follies of this destitute shrine maid:
Sure, by little girl standards, you may be a superhero,
But I'm so far past your league, I might as well be fighting Cirno,
'Cause you're on par with my pussy son Minilla at best,
And your verses are more padding–filled than Sakuya's chest!
Highly responsive to your bullshit, and I'll counter every diss.
I'm a relentless force of nature, and nature is pissed!
No Emmerich Iguanas here, as anyone can plainly see,
So spell my name with that capital G-O-D!
I've terrorized Japan from Tokyo to Fukuoka,
And I'll squash your puny shrine like a one–level pagoda.
Replay this match on every single setting, only to find
That in all seven secret endings, victory is still mine!
Your voice sounds like a glove, scraping a bass with rusty wires!
Talk about a far cry from all the music we've inspired,
"We" being me and all my friends; got so many, I lost track.
In fact, I'll show you right now; let my main homegirl take a crack:
Just let me borrow that mic and watch me steal some precious thunder
With my grimoires' worth of verses that I didn't even plunder!
Like so many books and forums, I'm hijacking this fight,
Packing heat by the star–full, and I'll be knocking out your lights;
Look like an ordinary witch, with pointy hat and little broom,
But bitch, I've got a mushroom–fueled furnace of fiery doom!
Self–trained, and my power's both material and present.
Wanna talk about "leagues"? I'm pretty much in League of Legends!
My words will hit you hard like Gigan, pierce you 'til you're bleeding;
As Patchouli can attest, I really did all of my reading.
Such a swagger queen, got seven different themes to my name;
Plus a Master Spark to overpower your atomic flame,
And though I'm not as strong as Reimu, go ask Alice if I'm hotter.
Either way, we'll blow your whole island of misfits out the water,
'Less you back off; take it easy, as those floating heads would say.
You're in Gensokyo now, Tokyo bloke. Yo, understand, da ze?
For each remotely scary line you have, a dozen more are goofy;
Congrats on being so spot on with the history of your movies.
Wipe that purposeful grimace from your ugly face, you brute,
Because we'll drop you in three minutes, like your wretched Shodai suit!
Even Gamera's less full of crap than you two baka wenches!
When you mess with this G–Man, prepare for obviousconsequences.
If you wanna have a tag–team match, I'll meet you there just fine;
I'd wondered when I'd get to raid again with this old pal of mine:
Huh, what do you want? Oh, yeah; that's right:
The monster king's calling upon his man–at–arms to join the fight,
And he's backing up these words he's barking with one helluva bite,
Thorny carapace and hide imperishable as the night!
I'm one repugnant, Battra–shit insane, ass–kicking Ankylosaur;
Redundant brains to keep me ticking, and a Super Metroid roar.
The first apprentice to the master of the art of destruction,
Butting heads with Big G way back since his second production!
Full–time Killer of the Living, and I need no fancy gimmicks:
Simple, solid strength; no cheap tricks for Marisa to mimic.
We'll take you to the farthest place down from your "Fantasy Heaven";
Screw "Bullet Hell": our kind comes straight from Dante's Circle Seven!
Giant monsters go all–out when we attack; no holds are barred.
Watch us play 52 Pickup with your deck of Spell Cards!
You girls may think you're vicious, table–turning killers like Hard Candy,
But step up to any kaiju, and you'll end up like Bambi!
You're like Jet Jaguar juxtaposed with us: out–of–place and laughable;
A following so bloated, it makes my own size look natural!
Your whole fandom's one big circle jerk, fapping to armpits;
You just need their art because your maker can't draw worth a shit!
There must be some alien cockroach up there, clouding your thinking!
...Either that, or someone's broken Suika's record for drinking!
Two not–so–little monsters, strongest under the sun,
But then our secret weapon came along, and then there werenone!
The name's Doctor F–L–A–N Dre!
Basement's unlocked, now I'm out to play,
Like the Warriors, and I, too, am an army of the night;
Take you through the Extra Stage, then to your burial site!
I'm bringing one wicked case of Scarlet Fever,
And I'm not talking 'bout Cee Lo's girls, either.
Sister of the bloody Devil, bloodier than Bloody Mary,
And I'll blast you with the strength of ten entire militaries!
It's curtains for you when I open curtain fire;
Raining danmaku on Monsterland until it's but a pyre.
Nowhere to run; no water body can hide you,
When this Scarlet Witch says "No more kaiju."
You'll go flying backwards, not propelled by your breath,
But from my tension–crushing psychic hand–squeeze of death!
Can't mistake it, even when I'm going Four–of–a–Kind:
There's no vampiress more volatile in all of design.
When my rhymes set this whole place ablaze,
Even Reimu won't leave with her face ungrazed;
I murdered Loki, stole his sword,
Caused Ragnarok, and did it 'cause I was bored!
Only in one game, 'cause I'm so OP,
But without me, the rest feel so empty,
And F.Y.I., Aggie Christie:
You dropped the ball; U.N. Owen was ME!
Well use your bones as instruments when this incident's over,
Then upload the brand new song we've made to Nico Nico Douga!
So forget your Destoroyah and that Ghidorah clown;
We're the triple threat that's bringing 'bout your final meltdown!
Relying on two backups? You're no good girl at all!
Not even sure if she's a girl; that kind of tactic takes balls.
Plus, bringing up "clowns"? That's biting more than I could chew;
I've got three words for this "trump card" of yours: RAN RAN RUU!
Seems that crazy womanchild's where you're riding all your money,
But from where I stand, she's just another useless little bunny!
Could retaliate with Mothra, but that won't be necessary,
And besides, this battle already has far too many fairies!
Dropping bombs like the nukes that made this massive mutant
On the pitiful programmings of one drunken college student;
I'll leave you on life support, and then it's your extermination,
When they pull the plug on you for lack of organ donations.
MOLEMAN'S… (*Godzilla roar*) …EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 20: Judge Dredd Vs. Judge Judy
Legal legends duke it out with some surprise challenger appearances along the way in this relative "fan-favorite" among the various Moleman's Epic Rap Battles. Featuring special guest star, my grandmother!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!
Dredd to control: I've got a Jimp on Shukoff Block;
Gonna give this dinosaur a major case of Future Shock.
Welcome to the grim darkness of the twenty–second century:
Mega–City One; let me be your directory.
Drokk Wapner and Brown; name's Judge Joe Dredd,
A six–shooter in my hand, and helmet firm on my head.
A chip right off the old genes of the Father of Justice;
If Judge Cal is Caligula, call me Augustus!
I'm mean like Mean Machine on the streets; you're on the boob tube,
Yelling the kind of brats I throw in the Juve Cubes.
Underworked and overpaid, for one day a week;
I'm serving 24/7, sans ten minutes' for sleep.
Judge, jury, executioner, and one hard bargainer;
Does Thel 'Vadam disservice just to call you an "Arbiter".
Ask Bobby Fuller what happens when you fight the law;
I'll send you face–planting harder than I did Ma-Ma.
You're in my playpen; don't sell me short.
I'm many things, Mr. Dredd, but I am God in this court.
Tell 'em, Byrd:
Bailiff Byrd: All rise for the Council of One.
Judge Judy: When it comes to seeing justice served, I'm second to none!
You're outrageous person who's outrageously dressed,
And couldn't beat me on my worst day on the day when he's best.
Fifteen years boot camp, but I can't be impressed,
When you still don't understand due freaking process!
Can't oppress me with your wack fascist tactics;
I'm a lady of the law, and know damn well what I practice.
No–nonsense magistrate who likes to keep hearings brief;
Adjudicating cases fast like dumbass handbag thieves.
My show rakes in the dough like Fatties take in calories;
Beat your whole box office gross with just my one–year salary.
Scolding morons, jerks and scammers in a duly firm manner;
Need no gavel, got my mouth: call me Judy Sternhammer!
Don't need Psi–Division powers to tell what's in your mind,
And know that you give new meaning to justice being blind.
My words will rear their ugly faces up from under your nose,
Like the behind–the–scenes antics of your "Mayor Ambrose"!
I'm going prosecutor mode, and you're the defendant.
Anderson can't help you now, nor can the Sixth Amendment,
'Cause if we're playing by your rules, you don't get a fair trial.
Your sentence is the Long Walk; death by exile!
I knew you'd say that from the start of this fight;
All I had to do was check your "What Would Judy Say?" site.
Think you're such a Hot Shot? I'll make your whole set shake;
High–Ex lines to hit you like a Cursed Earthquake!
That so–called "law" degree you have on you is a joke;
Spend one day at the Academy, you'll have a mini–stroke.
I'll take you on at any time, in any block or sector;
Watch me make your Byrdie squawk with my Birdie lie detector.
I fight zombies, aliens and even Death himself;
Don't give a motherdrokking stomm about your gruddamn wealth!
Trying to beat me's like democracy: unworkably flawed.
You're a watered–down mockery; I AM THE LAW!
AND I'M JAVERT! I protest these boasts of thine;
Think your jurisprudences are up to snuff with mine?
This I swear by the stars: I'll make the both of you see,
That you could only dream a dream of being as lawful as me!
I'm an obstinate gaoler of miserable criminals;
An O.G. M.C. at the professional pinnacle.
Through rain and snow and mud, I'll chase you down wherever you go,
'Til you wet yourselves with blood, and I'm the Victor, like Hugo!
Born down in the gutter with the abaissés;
Undercover with the Friends of the ABC.
Know my law to the letter like my ABCs,
For I'm a warrior of justice like the ABCs!
Steal a loaf of bread? Twelve years a slave; zero pity!
You're a Dead Man, Dredd: move it down to Undercity!
Judy, do yourself a favor and avoid this confrontation;
You'll be standing in your grave on lifelong probation!
When will your kind learn to shut it when I'm speaking?!
You, sir, are a moron, and you've got my anger peaking.
I don't care if you think you're some divine law–master;
An inspector like you couldn't even find the Pink Panther!
Diplomatically, I must agree with my opponent;
There's strict and then there's stupid, and your code, I can't condone it.
If a man's served his sentence, then there comes a time for mercy!
Even I know what reform is; just look what I did for Fergee.
Hounding one man for years over one minor offense?
That's not betraying the law; it's betraying common sense!
My rhymes are wasted on you, so gaze into my fist!
Yes, you're not worth our time, and so your case is dismissed!
Sacrebleu! This does not compute;
I came to challenge these two, but they give Javert the boot,
Both united in denouncement of my means of law–pursuit.
Seems at the end of the day, my efforts all have been moot!
I see the error now in the principles by which I have lived,
Yet the stubbornness remains, such that myself I can't forgive,
So now there's nowhere I can turn; there is no place I can hide.
There is no way to go on; this is the day the law died!
(*Jumps off a bridge to his death with dramatic musical accompaniment and explodes for no reason when he hits the water*)
WHO WON? WELL, I'M PRETTY SURE WE CAN CALL THIS OUR FIRST OFFICIAL TIE!
We may have teamed up so that loser'd finish dead–third,
But it ain't over 'til the gorgeous lady has the last word!
Think brute strength and hardware mean a damn in legal debate?
I'll outpoll you worse than your own city's unemployment rate.
Yeah, so much for your "authority", policing that freakshow;
Couldn't be much worse off, even under Big Brother Rico.
Don't you fart in my face and tell me it's the Big Smelly!
I've been in this business forty years; I dominate the telly.
Negotiation's over, Joe; I'm smarter, wiser, older,
And you've less to underpin your boasts than for your golden shoulders.
I'm the court authoritarian; the whole nation knows!
Call me Conan, you barbarian, 'cause this case is closed.
Keep the cameras on and hold the dancing lobsters;
I'll send you to the Pit, watch you sell out to the mobsters,
Then arrest you for corruption, strip your stupid legal license,
And hand you a Big Ticket good for twenty years on Titan!
You're no older than me, Sheindlin; a far cry from wiser.
You're a narcissistic, childish tyrant like Owen Krysler!
Get what Dredd said cemented in your head, because he meant it:
What you vent can't put a dent in what my daddy invented.
And what exactly is it that your father "invented"?
Judge Dredd: Why, the Law, of course! I AM THE LAW! See, it's a pun, because my clone–father invented the law I embody, and being my father, he also obviously– wait, who the drokk is this?
Quit babbling and prime up for a history lesson;
King of Babylon presiding, court is now in session.
Meet you word–for–word, eye–for–eye, ditto tooth;
Steal this battle like a snake on your elixir of youth!
I'm the Ur–Example; the original lawgiver.
Best believe my flow is ample; I rule the land of rivers.
MC Hammurabi's Code, rule eighty–six:
When Iraq the microphone, there can be no touching this!
I eat two–shekel mushke–noobs like you for lunch,
Laying down the law, and beating God to the punch!
My code cuts zero slack, and my raps are true to form;
Hard with lyrical attacks, 'cause they're set in cuneiform!
Ask Mari: you'll be sorry if I don't get your vote;
I'll Throw you in the Tigris, and I won't let you float.
Not a mutant in the slightest; my city's not damned,
But I'll have your hides blinded, let you wander the sands.
When I build my empire, I'm a kinsman, a healer,
But when it's judgment time, I'm a trial–by–ordeal–er.
Wanna spit fire too; learn my ancient tricks?
Here's a burning–hot spoon; come and give it a lick.
It's unfair and barbaric, but it's also progress;
Now they verify my merit up in U.S. Congress!
I'll disinherit you like my weak–ass successors;
Court dismissed with prejudice for every last transgressor!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 21: King Graham of Daventry Vs. Guybrush Threepwood
Short and sweet, this battle is basically my love letter to the classic computer adventure games, even though I never actually played them when they were first around and only experienced them through the wonder that is the internet.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!
KING GRAHAM OF DAVENTRY…
• Guybrush Threepwood: •
WATCH OUT, GRAHAM! Don't stand so close to that ledge;
A brush with this guy's prone to pushing posers over the edge.
No Silver Lining in the deal; straight–up Big Whooping your ass!
I spit it like a poison snake; my verbal venom acts fast.
I rebound your rhymes like a rubber tree;
Shut you out your Door of Destiny.
Sharpest wit and tongue on seven seas;
An adventurer, I was meant to be!
My Monkey Kombat skills are mythical;
Comeback mastery unequivocal.
Mad voodoo in every syllable;
Call a duel with me unwinnable!
Patent mighty pirate, here to plunder your throne.
Catapulting words at you like un–romanceable stones,
'Cause you're feather–lite on skill; I'm Mega–Monkey–extra–packed,
So go on yonder to the road and give a honk for Sam and Max!
Oh so skilled in insult–swordplay;
My second–biggest forte.
Be trained and famed on Mêlée,
Laying waste to those I waylay!
Get it through your thick skull: you're like Murray, all bark;
So many ways to die, call you the medieval Isaac Clarke.
It's a recipe for failure if you're looking to debunk me;
I'm a legendary sailor, fabled like a triple–monkey!
• Graham: •
Not a smart move, Gaybrush; now, I'll say this once:
To Heir is Human, but to challenge me beseems a mighty dunce.
On a quest for my crown, best come equipped with a plan;
Talking 'bout some life insurance, baby: better call Stan.
Scurvy little sack of SCUMM! This softie can't for real;
I stop a pirate in his tracks with his own copyright wheel.
Poems altogether smashing; putting out the flames of haters,
For I'm more than Rather Dashing, and you ain't no Burninator!
Don't hold your breath on seeing my death; I won't be holding ploys.
I'm the Sierra golden boy; fair Lady Williams' pride and joy.
When I deploy my Rap KQ, you'll lose yourself; my flow is endless,
Like the desert. Bust it like a wizard; you must be the princess!
Stab these rhythms reliably, like a secret society,
Of the Black Cloak variety; perfect score, undeniably!
• Guybrush Threepwood: •
I'm shaking, I'm shaking! Is that all you got?
I've heard more profound philosophy from Herman Toothrot!
I call out all of your bull, because you fight like a cow,
But I milk verses' worth in full, and you're in deep water now;
Yo, just you try to stay afloat!
I'll buck you like a billy goat;
Watch you drown in your own moat.
Ain't that a hole in a boat?
I've got the governess's vote, and the Force is strong in me;
Bury haters under snow for staying a course of wronging me.
I'll see you walk the plank Today and have your Heirs Gone by Tomorrow;
Make your queen a Princeless Bride, and leave your Kingdom full of Sorrow!
Man, my flow's a wild ride like Mr. Bones; its end is never.
You'll get fried so bad, AGD can't remake you back together.
Have the last laugh on me? That's like making Death cry,
But running you into a dead end's as easy as fruit pie!
• Graham: •
So much for being a pirate man of high moral fiber;
Now to boot you off your island like this battle was Survivor!
That your Ultimate Insult? Here's my answer to it for ya':
Shove these occult lyrics down your throat like Phantasmagoria;
Leave you looking ass–backwards like ol' Rumplestiltskin's name,
'Cause I be holding all the cards like it was Hoyle's Book of Games!
Castaway you and your wife; put that Sea Monkey under.
Raps massive; way larger than life, like Graham's Number!
The cat is in the bag, and the bag is in the river;
Systems On–Line, time to point, click, stand and deliver.
Keep your Tales of your Escapes from that old Cursed, Secret island,
And your lousy T–shirt treasures; mine are measured in diamonds.
You'll feel a strange pulling sensation when you've stepped into my trap,
And that's my raps wrapping around you like a wrap–around map.
Even the Gnomes sense not a hint of danger coming from you,
But I ain't scared to run you through with your own Cutlass of Kaflu;
I'll go Manannan on your ass if you persist to disobey me,
So lest you be turned to Ash, hail to the king, baby!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!
Chapter 22: Siegfried Schtauffen Vs. Arthas Menethil
The second part of what I have now decided to term the "Cold Hearts Saga", this battle is themed around possession by evil swords, and features a last-minute third-party played in the video by a VERY special guest star.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!
Siegfried Schtauffen, "Innocent Darkside":
Welcome to the stage of history; you haven't what it takes,
For never such an easy victory I'll've had as this flake!
Hearthstone and zone home, or get ready to cry,
'Cause Sieggy won't be needing Roy to battle with the tiger's eye.
Sweet, swift, swingin', slick, swag Schwarzwind swordsman;
Swat a sucker out the ring and halfway to Stormwind!
My raps possess a caliber too hot to Zweihändle;
Your 'craft's like a kobold:
Kobold: You no take candle!
Siegfried: This rhythm is your Requiem; a wipe is impending.
Casting down your dreams and breaking destinies; I'm unrelenting!
My skill set is uncommon; get the best of me? You're joking:
I'll be pushing all your buttons, and I won't stop poking!
Arthas Menethil, Crown Prince of Lordaeron:
This pretty boy thinks he's my Destined Battle? How pathetic!
What are Uncommon skills when mine are highest–tier Epic?
Macro–cheating won't be needed; strategizing in real–time.
Here's your only warning, get it heeded: flee in a beeline,
For the day I was born, the forests whispered my name.
I bring the heat like an Orb of Fire; spitting holy flames!
Full–exalted with the Light, I'll be a scourge to any Scourge;
Cull you off your stage of history like a city getting purged!
Boss, what's he going up against?
Uther the Lightbringer: That's a paladin.
Arthas: Who sees retribution best dispensed?
Uther: That's a paladin!
Arthas: Lets his strike of the crusader fly?
Uther: That's a paladin.
Arthas: Righteous ghoul–exterminator guy?
Uther: That's a paladin!
Don't be pushing me to praise your prissy perks as a paladin;
I cut down a crusader like a German Saladin!
Penetrating any armor: cloth, leather, mail, plate;
I'll go Medivhal on your ass until it's check–and–mate.
This dude is deluded: boasting like he's the best,
Yet overshadowed just by half his female fighting partners' breasts!
Killed your daddy roadside, blind with raging recklessness;
Next thing we know, you'll screw your mom and change your name to Oedipus!
No… no, that's not true; that's impossible!
Oh God, oh man; how could I be so irresponsible?
My guilt's nigh–incomparable; please make it go away!
Soul Edge: Yo dawg, I can do that if you'll wield me.
Siegfried Schtauffen, Host of Soul Edge:
Aaargh… how's this for an edgier style?
Really digging the azure; I think I'll keep it for a while.
See the darkness now before you, and you better be scared;
Set to siphon more Souls than From Software!
Beware when I live, for I hunger like Sinistar;
The host with the most bad mojo since Zandalar.
You're standing in fire if you even let me aggro;
I wield Infernal Terror, as primeval as Diablo!
Conducting my campaign up from my castle 'cross the valley;
Even killing while I'm sleeping with a paddle from a galley.
Boy, you're never waking up, I reign forever; I'm a legend!
Stomp you out with Cataclysmic damage–dealing every second.
True–to–form unicorn born of scorn and damnation;
After this, you'll need more patching than a plague abomination.
Put you down out in the cold like your "Invincible" steed,
Mount your lady, hold her reins and fill her with my Evil Seed!
Muradin Bronzebeard: Pure dead possessed, he is; we have to retreat!
Arthas: I figured you would say that, and so I burned our whole fleet.
Arthas: I'm doing what it takes to slay a horror of the night!
Frostmourne: In that case, there's this really cool sword…
Arthas Menethil, Death Knight:
New plan, new friends; some old ties cut.
Undeath for the win, but still I hate your rotten guts!
Raps in rapider succession than I took my father's crown;
Raising dead is my obsession, but I'll leave you in the ground!
Chill Death Knight flow, burning haters like the Legion.
Spill frostbite, yo; rockin' Eighty–Level Chieftain.
Scar the ground beneath my plodding when I lead a campaign;
With my buddy Kel'Thuzad, I see that chaos doth reign!
An Unstoppable Force, and you'll be easily moved,
Because my verses run so deep, they're like Azjol-Nerub!
I'll take your whole posse to school like it was Scholo;
"DEATH" rune for Astaroth, while gluts of ghouls are zerging Voldo!
Leatherwork a Murloc costume out that overgrown lizard,
Trammel you in Chains of Ice and bury you beneath a Blizzard.
Shatter shards like disenchanting from that eyesore you brandish;
Just ask Illidan: defeating me is Outlandish!
Choice transmog job, but no sharper of a tongue!
I keep the pressure 'til your soul is mine; call me Shang Tsung.
Oh, drop the Charade and face the facts of it, you phony:
I'm a dread–lord like Cervantes; you're as fake as Don Quixote!
Come on! I'll claw your face until it's swollen as my arm,
And just one run-through of my blade will have you buying the farm!
Hey, I bet you'd know a bunch about "buying", you blue bastard;
Probably paid a panda just to perk your power–level faster.
Oh yeah? Well– *FZZZT!*
…Enough is enough;
I have had it with this sword and all its wack possession stuff!
Yo, I need to be alone to mope and wallow in my shame,
And so I'm leaving to atone, and hope you'll follow in my vein!
THRALL'S BALLS! IT'S APPEARING THAT, FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE,
WE'VE HAD AN MC QUIT AND BAIL AND UP AND LEAVE, AND THAT'S A FIRST!
SIEGGY'S SOUL IT SEEMS IS SAVED, BUT HIS RAPPING CRED HE FORFEITS,
SO BY DEFAULT, VICTORY TODAY MUST GO INSTEAD TO–
I'm a man with no life, because I've got too many;
Popping back and just reviving all the time like I was Kenny!
Let that sink in while I sow some power back into this sword,
So it can reap my soul at last and I can stop being so bored…
Nightmare, Spirit of Soul Edge:
BWAHAHAHA! I AM COMPLETE!
PURE EVIL THAT NO STUBBORN LETTER EVER COULD DEFEAT!
UBER–BOSS–LEVEL–ELITE; NO OTHER DEMON CAN COMPETE!
MEET YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE; FALL AT MY FEET!
Oh, don't start with me, Sir Giantholeinthetorso;
Looking like the flimsiest of fiends Beyond the Dark Portal.
WELL, I'LL STICK YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF MY MAW LIKE STEALERS WHEEL;
SINGLE BITE TO SPLIT APART YOUR PERSON WORSE THAN TIRA'S DEAL!
Ooooh, WoW; so edgy, bro!
Come right at me in a frenzy; watch me parry every blow,
While the cool spells I Frost–weave will rend your bones in seconds!
Still, Ner'zhul tells I must leave; the Frozen Throne beckons.
DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME, YOU COWARD! FACE THE REPERCUSSIONS;
THERE CAN BE NO FLEEING THE POWER OF THIS SYMBOL OF DESTRUCTION!
I'M NIGHTMARE, THE MAD MASTERMIND OF MALFESTED;
DON'T FIGHT FAIR, AND DON'T TAKE KIND TO BEING BESTED!
Siegfried Schtauffen, Champion of Soul Calibur:
With a conscience clear as crystal, I inform you that I'm back;
Hilt of heavens in my hands, but hella–hard on the attack!
RETURNED TO PUT YOUR INNER–DEVIL DOWN? I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY;
MAN, I'll– *SLASH* –AARRUUURRBLURRBLAAHGH!
This ends now, Arthas! God is pissed off at you;
Spirit sword demanding justice, hero fit see it through:
An Unbreakable Soul, like a Seven–Branch Blade.
More than capable to solo you; a one–man raid!
Well, I've got more Melni–bones to pick with you than Lord Marrowgar;
Your mind is more Forsaken than the Ruins of Lordaeron are.
Quilboars for western agents, but forgotten how to pork,
And now your lady's moving on to dating dragons and an orc!
You think I hold the slightest flicker for ol' Jaina? Bitch, please!
Couldn't be moore proud of dumping her; I ain't no Mister Freeze.
Still, you're quite the strong opponent, with a body fit and able,
So I'll raise you for my Horsemen; let you clean the ponies' stables.
When I wreak Elysian vengeance, know my victory won't be peaceful:
In my soul there lies redemption; yours is wrought with only evil.
Dark Lady's rooting for me, and I send you her regards;
Disses shooting like a poison arrow through your wicked heart!
Ha, good luck trying! I cut that sucker out my chest;
Quite a bit like Davy Jones in that regard, I must confess.
You knocked Algol from his perch, but I'm a different kind of story:
Masked–Emperor–of–the–Damned–to–be in finest time of glory!
Like a Mustafar Bizarro–World, I have the higher ground;
Lich's circle is complete, and now I take my icy crown.
Feel the Wrath and rising power; hear the banshees croon and sing,
For in the final hour, all must serve the one true king!
OOOH MAN, YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE NOW, SIEGGY!
JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL HE WAKES IN SEVEN YEARS; IT WON'T BE PRETTY!
Wait, wait, seven years?
You're telling me that after all that buildup, he's just gonna sleep there for seven years before doing anything?!
WELL, YEAH, SURE, WHY NOT?
Why not?! Give me one good reason why he would.
WELL, UUUUMM… CRAP. THIS MIGHT BE A PROBLEM…
…OKAY, OKAY, HOLD ON! I'VE FOUND SOMEONE WHO CAN FILL IN!
CHALLENGER APPROACHING! A NEW FOE HAS APPEARED!
So, the big, bad Lich is gonna take a little nap?
Used to do that sort of thing, but now I'm over that crap,
And so I'm here, wide–awake and fully–focused; check my gauge.
Out from shadows, book in hand, and verses swarming off the page!
Gabriel Belmont, the Dragon Dracul:
Laying siege upon the stage; Prince of Darkness in the groove,
Bloody Tears and Void and Chaos all incarnate in my moves!
Watch me Whip It, good as Ivy; even better still than Devo.
Feel my hatred, more than likely to defile your cathedral.
I'm a lash–and–flailing, titan–scaling creature of the night;
Tell a "righteous" prick just how it is, then go in for the bite!
A persistent thorn in sides, like Chupacabras causing trouble;
Carmilla, for instance, knows how wont I am to bursting bubbles.
Ever–dangerous to Pantheons; at times, it's hard to fathom:
Like Agreus, without a bell to chime for getting past him.
What I've known and seen and done will leave a hardened soldier crying;
Even prone to stabbing folks in Reverie, not even trying!
Mirror of Fate says: abandon all hope of besting me;
You may be He Who Fights the Past, but there's no fighting destiny.
I'd let you ask my son Trevor, but he's busy with romance;
Working on your girlfriend Hilde with his lycanthropic lance!
Next to my tormented soul, you're but a whiny emo wanker;
Seen more heartstring–tugging pathos in the plays of Toy Maker.
And that truly is a sword of God: it's going to betray you;
You're its chosen sorry sod to crystal–freeze the world like grey goo!
It's true, I've murdered families here and there, but don't be hating,
'Cause I got my act together, and I did the same to Satan.
I'm Dracula, spectacular; undying in my advantage!
You're as miserable a secret–pile as any mortal man is.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 23: Gruntilda Vs. Handsome Jack
They're awesome video game villains... and that's about all they have in common. Other than that extremely broad premise, these two could not be much more dissimilar! And yet, here they both are, having at it!
It helps that both their games of origin are among my favorites ever and very nostalgic for me.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!
Handsome Jack here, and let me tell you how it goes:
I shoot my critics in the face; Badaboom, case closed.
Amped stings like a Bee in a C.C. combo;
No hag's gonna hurt the Hyperion honcho!
You've got a cliffside in the shape of your prune–face,
And a masochist hunchback stumped by a boulder.
I've got Jackmore and an all–seeing moon–base;
Razing bandit cities up from orbit with my mortars!
No safe Haven; out for blood on your trail.
Catch a train to Sanctuary, and I blow it off the rails!
Yo, Blake, heads up: better fetch my violin;
I'll be playing this squawker off, 'cause the hero always wins!
If you come up to my lair today,
A big Nasty Surprise is surely headed your way;
It's No Place for a Hero, nor a douchey Skag–licker.
I'm a legendary giant; badass heavy–hitter!
Lifetime prime rhymer, Rare rapper; tricky–dicky.
Boss with a Boom Box; down for getting Jiggy–wiggy!
I've got curses by the Vault–full to wreck your regime:
Blow your 'bots to Nuts and Bolts and make Wilhelm Scream. (Aaaaaah!)
Flush you down Loggo, grind your guts up in Clanker;
I'm chock–full of Moxxi, from my warts to my cankers!
You're in Cloud Cuckooland to think you'll come out on top;
I'd sooner count my eggs for solving Stop 'n' Swop!
Now here's a fun little quiz; put your smarts to the test:
Who's the witty, witchy, wicked wench you can't put to rest?
That's me, Grunty: 'top my Tragedy Tower,
Hailing fire from the peak upon this two–faced little coward!
You don't know Jack; better quit it with the gibbering:
I'll have my girl Sheriff lynch your ass for verbal littering!
I get the Sirens blaring with my Presence in a match;
You're as full of hot air as that pathetic Mr. Patch!
Think your googly–eyed goons are gonna get to this Invader?
Watch me crack your stupid cactus; mighty like a Jinjonator.
You'll crash and burn harder than Professor Nakayama;
When you get to Hell, tell I said "hi" to grandmama.
Own a Pandora's Box worth of gunrunning gear;
Mutilate you like our preservation slagging "volunteers".
Shake floors' foundations; think construction engineers.
Spitting out more gems than Butt Stallion's rear!
I'm a god among men, and I Butcher with impunity,
Spoon–scooping eyes out at every Opportunity;
A sorcerer, a titan! Come and get me, giant witch;
Moral of the story is, you're nothing but a total Bitch.
…How unbefitting! I've lost my precious skin,
And yet the crone is still kicking; guess I got a Second Wind.
Even prone to keeping at it from a shallow grave limbo;
Now I'll see your fanny flattened like a house of grey Jinjos!
It's on like Donkey Kong; I'm Overpowered to the limit.
You're an egotist Goliath with the manhood of a midget!
Call me Grunty the Invincible; no way you can beat me,
And I'll wipe your saved game if you endeavor to cheat me!
I won't even question how the hell you're still alive;
It won't make a note of difference when my Warrior arrives!
My majestic voice ECHOes from the Highlands to the Dust,
With trespassers facing death by a Thousand Cuts.
I boast bazillions of boomsticks; your broomstick's screwed.
Serving prime rib rhymes; yours are stale fast food.
Quit your Mumbo Jumbo–spewing, 'cause for all your Claptrap,
You're outgunned by a bird in a bear's backpack!
That's a dingy pot of disses you're unloading there, mister;
Should've studied on my secrets with my goody–goody sister!
I weld swell spells with all the power of a factory,
Silencing a sucker like my family's anastrophe!
You're headed for catastrophe; imperiled like a saucer,
When I use you as a battery like your beloved daughter:
Flip a switch, and your handsome looks are altogether slaughtered.
Best Game Over ever; Grunty's looking rather hotter!
Eekum Bokum, New-U is very good!
Meet with Mumbo at my magic–making mountain, Grunty should.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 24: Mad Max Vs. Fallout
Yet another battle that is in large part a tribute to a favorite work of mine, I threw a couple of wrenches into this otherwise one-sided matchup to make it more interesting and hilarious...
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
…THE VAULT DWELLER!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Mad" Max Rockatansky:
Two men go to war out on the wasted roadside;
Take a guess of how many gonna leave this place alive.
Yo, welcome to the post–apocalyptic land down under;
We Don't Need Another Hero 'round and out to steal my thunder.
Must be Mad to the Max, trying to tackle Rockatansky;
Got the rad and Gutsy raps for any task like Mister Handy.
I'm a well–oiled machine amid a world that's gone to pig shit;
Main Patrol Force on the highway, dishing lead in lieu of tickets!
Hell–bent on kicking asses as I am for donning leather,
Running Mari–posers over in my Falcon Interceptor.
Boy, you'll lose it all when I unleash my vocal engine roar;
Humungus hollers that'll shake your flimsy region to the Core!
Surrender now for safe passage; don't bust that deal,
Lest an unlucky 13–er face a spin of the wheel.
A broken water chip is gonna be the least of all your problems,
When I chain you up and see your foot Sawed–off like my shotgun!
The Vault Dweller:
Maaaaybe you should start retreating, Raggedy Man:
Hop over back to your tribe, and stick to playing their Peter Pan.
Your Goose is bound to be cooked when I kneecap a punk down,
'Cause I'm the Master with a Blaster who decide who run Junktown!
I'll make a Bloody Mess of you, FUBAR as any Centaur,
Loot your mutilated corpse, and then record it in my memoirs!
Your Intellect is limited; I'm Gifted, full of genius:
Decimate you like the Khans, and never let you pull a phoenix,
When I cut off your toes, leave you a shell of a man,
And blind you with my Red Ryder, just as well as I can.
Part you on the terms I did my Overseer back at home,
And you won't see Tomorrow–morrow; never get to Thunderdome!
Spitting rhymes with S.P.E.C.I.A.L. style, aimed to put you in your place,
And Pox–eclipse your lines, as sterile as the Super Mutant race.
My California raps will put your Tupac tribute straight to shame;
I've got a BFF in Dogmeat. What's your mongrel even named?
Rarely one for many words, but now you've got me mighty riled,
And so I hurl 'em like a razor boomerang; a wild child!
Verses piercing as a blaring doggie whistle; you'll be deafened,
Crash–and–burning like a Boeing Jumbo 747.
Won't be long for the living 'less you get it set to fleeing;
Even then, I'll maybe shoot you in the back and call me Ian.
I'm the man who makes a difference when I'm taking up command,
Trucking tankers' worth of disses; yours'll fall as flat as sand.
The Vault Dweller:
Wanna talk about Sands? I'd be a pro on the subject:
Watch me grace a barren land and plant the seeds of a Republic.
You're as big a fool as Harry, the mutie Unity bumpkin,
And I'll beat you black and blue before I smash you like a pumpkin.
Bitch, you battle like a brahmin; yo, your other head is missing!
Wrong the Dweller, you'll be pressed to find a Deathclaw less forgiving.
Raider–razing, hater–hazing, ace trailblazer of a guy;
I built Arroyo, but my poems' flow is never running dry!
Keep your speeches, Fallout Boy, 'cause you can take 'em to your grave!
Your situation sees no spooky Stranger set to make a save;
You've fewer means of beating me than working cars around to drive.
Only Tina Turner crosses the Road Warrior and survives!
The Vault Dweller:
It's time to drop a bombshell: I'm packing backing, got a team.
Three friends to leave you like Lou Tenant: come apart at the seams!
The first'll make grandpappy proud when he's inheriting the scene,
And so I'm out; you'll find me up at the Café of Broken Dreams.
The Chosen One:
They say war never changes, but I'm switching up the beats,
So gimme one to build a dream on, and I'll bring the flaming heat!
I can aggrieve and roast a rival, hot as tools of bursting atoms,
But perceive your boasts as idle; not a bullet's worth to back 'em.
I was born a Chosen Champion, and now I'm fully–grown:
A Prizefighter movie star, and got a car to call my own.
Made Man down in Reno, gecko–ganker up in Oregon;
Cross my line of fire, you're as dead as Franky Horrigan!
You've all the charm of Myron, with the courage of Pariah,
While the G.E.C.K. has nothing on the miracles of this messiah.
You can't even trump this tribal in your dreams, you petty loser,
'Cause I'll have Hakunin haunt them; make you scream like Freddy Krueger!
BOOM! Blast you with my Bozar, modded to the peak of pain,
Then make a retarded Skynet with your misshapen, mangled brain.
I'll roll a plasma rifle critical and turn you straight to mush;
Scold you so badly, even Sergeant Dornan's face would have to blush.
Is that the best that you could scavenge up, you carbon copy stand–in?
Either way, it's clear our candidness of combat is abandoned.
Mate, I don't mind fighting dirty; that's the norm in the outback,
So here's the aforementioned Entity who run my soundtrack:
Ooooh, I'm Breaking Every Rule, and heads are gonna gyrate;
Aunty's amping up the ante on this toe–consuming primate!
Must be hopped on Ultrajet to think you'll top the Acid Queen;
This here's a verbal drive–by out up on Highway Nineteen!
Four times more a rhythm–ruler than my thuggish druggie husband:
Twenty–Four–Seven–soulful; skill in plentiful abundance.
Love's got none at all to do with it, 'cause simply, I'm the Best,
And you'd do the same being good to me and showing some respect!
Your Wildest Dreams'll be the only place you'll ever see me thwarted;
Punt you up to Trial Temple, send you right Back Where You Started.
Mmmmm, I'll bring you to your knees, but still I won't be satisfied,
Until I go full–GoldenEye and strike you with a satellite!
The Chosen One:
Ol' Anna Mae can shove it like a cake up in her face;
I'll sink her Mary harder than an Enclave oil rigger base.
Alas, I hear my village beckon, needing leading from this beast host,
And so I leave your wrecking to my buddy on the East Coast:
The Lone Wanderer:
Trouble on the Homefront? There's no need to fear;
Our last, best hope of victory, the Wanderer is here!
A shining karmic paragon you'll be incapable of staining:
Hear the DJ praise my name; a saint unsuitable for framing.
I assault controlling dolts in Vaults; revolt against compliance,
Battle worse–than–average bears by day and lay at night with Lyons!
I'm a hero, you're a phony; Mechanist is less a joke,
So you and Aunty Agonizer best skedaddle 'fore you're smoked.
You're backwards–assed as communists, so call me Liberty Prime;
A lyric Project Purity to purge a track of crappy rhymes,
With gibes designed get your G.O.A.T. while keeping Rivetingly real.
Don't wanna set the world on fire, but a mic's another deal!
No Survival Guide's enough to make you half a match for me,
When I drop Megaton bombs just like an MIRV!
I am the Alpha and Omega, here to state a Revelation:
You're as full of it as Eden, and I'm shutting down your station,
'Cause I need no V.A.T.S. assistance hitting rhythms with precision,
Spitting mesmerizing phrases; straight enslaving competition.
Whacking hacks for talking smack and chopping up their puny meat,
With perks aplenty, every quantum; Nuka–Break–the–scale–elite.
My power's Not of This World; no replicating this man,
And Tunnel Snakes are cool and all, but yo, I rule the Wasteland!
With Hellfire–forged duds and nifty bobbleheads to tout,
My will of steel is never broken; Almost Perfect, not a doubt.
The boy's an ace, and by Nichiren, I'm too old to play his game.
Sorry, Maxie; Tina's out, so maybe pass the mic to Bane.
I guess a Private Dancer's not as good a private rapping tool;
Still, no goody–goody daddy's boy is making me his fool!
It's time to maximize the madness like a Dunwich aberration;
F.E.V. can't hold a candle to my final transformation!
Mad Mel Gibson:
Ring, ring, ring! You'd better pick up the receiver,
So my words can verbal–rape you like a pack of Feral Reavers!
Got the beat under my influence, and you're the one who's crashing;
Bringing Payback, and I punish with a Patriotic Passion!
Leave a Man Without a Face, my curses cutting like a cleaver;
Chew you up and spit you out, and then I'll blame it on the Beaver!
Freaking own Malibu, and now I'm taking D.C.;
An Icon, and ain't no bounty hunter's regulating me!
You must be a jew, 'cause this is war, and you're the one to fault,
So gimme back my win, or else I'm setting fire to your Vault!
I'll make iguana-on-a-stick, where the iguana's your intestines,
But before I do, get on your knees and blow my Lethal Weapon!
The Lone Wanderer:
Think your daffy rants are gonna threaten me, you bigot clown?
I oughta shoot you in the head the way I took Tenpenny down,
But my Pip-Boy says I've got a summons back across the river,
And the last of our quartet is nearly ready to deliver…
Mad Mel Gibson:
Let me guess: you're hanging up and calling in another friend,
But Mel is one tough motherfucker, and he won't be getting scared!
Plus, I bet you plan to torture me before this battle's end;
Well, go ahead and bring it on! You know my nipples are prepared.
Express shipment, delivery for Old Man Gibson;
Contents: bitch bent to give this prick a head–kicking.
Lucky 38–er lady with a statement to proclaim:
Number Six is fourth in line, but number one at taking names!
I'm a max–implanted, grave–evading ex–lobotomite;
Your ass is Crazy, Crazy, Crazy as the wackest kin of night!
When I play my Wild Card, I'll be the one and only Victor;
Scorching you so hard, you'll almost wish for nuclear winter!
White Glove–level Luxe, without the pesky people–eating;
Knock a sucker off the Tops, and leave his checkered rear retreating.
Hanlon had a reason lying; when you do it, It's a Sin,
And like Elijah's clouded mind, I won't let you Begin Again!
I can serve a word–bombardment worthy of the mighty Boomers,
Win a bet against the House, and sabotage a tyrant's tumor.
Freely treading on the Bear and decimating Legion bitches;
No Gods, No Masters, and my friends have "Off" switches!
Beating me's a longer shot than for a ghoulish spaceman;
It's never even gonna happen in the Wild Wasteland.
I'll call a Boone–headshot; you'll never see it 'til you're splattered,
'Cause when all the chips are down, I've got the only one that matters.
Legend like the Burned Man, my mention making haters nervous;
Rock you harder than Ulysses' world, and do it all on purpose!
Rolling triple–twenty–sixes, and I'll sack your Caravan,
Before I show you to my bouncer:
Yes Man: Let me show you Hoover Dam!
(*Mad Mel Gibson emits a Goofy Holler as Yes Man chucks him from the highest tower on Hoover Dam*)
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 25: Discord Vs. Sheogorath
It's Madness Vs. Chaos... or is it? ...In a battle where all is not as it seems. Duality FTW.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ooh, let me just go ahead, laddy.
Uncle Sheo has the skill for sending shivers to these jams,
So take a helpful hint, resume a stony stasis state and scram!
This hodgepodge against the Madgod? The sod is unworthy!
Oughta tear out his intestines; turn the tracts all topsy–turvy.
Sovereign prince, I reign supreme in much the manner of Celestia.
I'll make your head a trophy; let Relmyna use the rest of ya'.
My Wabbajack'll whack a wacko Jabberwocky clown;
Be crossing me, I guarantee you're going down, down, down!
Ya' know I'm on a sweet roll, and your demise is what I'm stipulating;
Stick a fork in you and Split your sides, with mane horripilating!
Plead insanity, you'll be rejected from my Madhouse,
For I'm the Daedra Hatter; you couldn't even be my Dormouse.
The finest cornerstone of the Tribunal House of Troubles;
Skooma Cat'll channel Sanguine and get you right befuddled!
You'll be left in bloody Shambles, Gnarled coat and colors muted,
While I summon cheese for everyone… your sorry arse excluded.
Tea's off, Fluttershy, and do avert your precious ears:
I want this bearded bum the only one who's shedding epic tears.
It's time to loose it, ill as Bluest flu and cruel as any Meanie;
Take a page or two from Molag Bal on top a few from Genie.
When I put a hoof down, you'd best prepare to be drained;
I'll see your hail of flaming hounds all choking on some Chocolate Rain!
Your resource is mediocre; I can make a drink a slaughter:
Slit some throats like Jake the Joker with a tiny glass of water.
Everfree–style, hipper than remains of ol' Pelagius;
Penta–barfing out a phrase, and now the chaos is contagious!
Serve a slew of Screwballs until it's your strike three;
I'll leave your Isles looking like some Salvador Dalí.
A chimeric aberrant, inherent merits apparent, I swear it: cherished as the apple of fair Eris' eye.
What you're declaring's incoherent, errors transparently glaring; just like solving my maze, you know it ain't gonna fly!
At my Crucible of truth, your Blissful ignorance is snubbed;
A more disastrous Discovery than the seizure of the Hub.
I'm in a righteous rapping Mania, Ti–wrecking scruffy, phony blokes,
Who've dampened their Dementia to reform for fluffy pony folk!
Oh, Friendship may be Magic, but I'll tell you what else is:
Primal diamond–spitting rhyming that'll render you helpless!
Yours is dull as clunky boulders, and the contrast's off the charts;
I'll brainwash Rarity, and lo as still she tells our lines apart!
Coldly douse your Flame of Agnon, well and truly to Oblivion,
Then swipe away your staff and hand to you a more befitting one.
Well, I'll gobble you up like Stanley Grapefruit from Passwall,
Go Rebel Rabbit on my Boot, and shove it up your–
Haskill is sorry for the stoppage of your scheduled shenanigans,
But my lord, I fear you ought to know: the Greymarch has began again.
The champion you called's been waiting outside since this morning;
Sir, a duel of verse or broken curse: which is more important?
Oooh, I really shouldn't have done that! Now my time is running out;
An era over: the return of Order primed to come about!
The crystal forces fast approaching, can't revoke encroaching fate;
I'd say to put on your horse armor, yet already it's too late.
The madness in my mind is going; I can feel it, not a question,
And the lunacies for which I stood, I see now as transgressions,
For my realm, she is dead! Yes, Sheogorath, he is dead,
And all shall crumble now before the power coming in his stead…
Stop right there, chaotic scum; you've violated the law!
It's time to see my plane reclaimed; annihilate every flaw.
Big, bad Jyggalag: I bring the Order, straight–up and raw;
Built like a brick house, and wrecking you like one made of straw!
With nigh–omniscience and my triumph preordained,
I cut the wretched Roots of Madness; logicize your loony brain.
Behold this silver sentinel, outshining every Golden Saint!
You know I really take the biscuit; talking broken ones, I ain't.
There's little fun in making sense, but even less in what you follow,
And for all your Knifepoint threats, the menace posed to me is Hollow,
So to Tartarus with you and all your Fringe idea–preaching!
Over my cold, severed heart, for Order's sphere is ever–reaching!
Madness fades now from this realm; just ask the Duke, or was it Duchess?
Either way, Equestria is next to fall in crystal clutches.
That's enough! It's time I showed you my true form and full ferocity,
With power to surpass any hot–diggedy monstrosity…
You surely must have seen this coming, Fluttershy, my friend,
And now, like All Good Things, my time among your kind comes to an end…
Hold it up, did I say all? Well, au contraire, there's one exception:
I, Q, eternal trickster, teaching this grey goon a lesson!
He who longs to conquer sense of self like Borg assimilation
Stands before me now on trial, judged on worth of preservation,
With the verdict clear as futile is his coming and advance:
I shall unweave his Tapestry of being, and grant no second chance!
You've got a Death Wish facing me; you'll end up worse than bloody–nosed!
Can start a war with but a finger–snap; I shatter status quos.
You couldn't even beat my son or that forgotten fop Trelane,
And I'll be Breaking you more Badly than midair–colliding planes!
With nigh–omnipotence, I see through all your high–and–mighty bull:
I'll send your shiny hiney flying; the Worf Effect applies in full.
I needn't go Napoleonic to command a tour de force,
So get this Q–tip through your stuffy ears, and chart a different course.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 26: Captain Price Vs. Commander Shepard
My first full-fledged team battle, this one again features the same special guest star who first lent his voice in Siegfried Vs. Arthas, and is also noticeable for its very fast pace... so fast, in fact, that the battle itself ended up being much shorter than I originally wanted. Perhaps a revisitation of at least one of these franchises is in order...
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Captain John Price: •
Know I ain't a liar when I say I'm bound for victory;
Your blood will be the ink that records this truth in history.
I'd break you with the will of but a solitary man,
But nobody fights alone, so blood brother, lend a hand!
• Captain John "Soap" MacTavish: •
It's ravishing MacTavish, here to ravage savagely with rhyming!
Ain't No Rushin' is required; yo, I spit in perfect timing.
Skilled sharpshooting Scot in prime prestige surpassing measuring;
A human Omni-tool, just like Ramirez doing everything!
Price: Zakhaev knows: I've got a real disarming personality.
Soap: Scrubbing out the worst scum of the Earth's my speciality!
P: Cross the One-Four-One, you think you're tough enough?
S: I'll shank you harder than the last Shepherd that fucked with us!
P: Well, when we ended that traitor, Makarov was left hanging…
S: Good thing he came back, and Makarov was left hanging!
P: Now it's D-Day for the Normandy!
S: You're getting overthrown.
P: We're breaking through your every barrier like Joker's brittle bones.
S: The unsaddlers of Horsemen!
P: No Oasis from my vengeance.
S: Instigating Shock and Awe; dropping bombs with every sentence!
P: We're the righteous warring wolverines!
S: You're closer to a cattle.
P/S: Space cows will be harmed in the making of this battle!
• Commander Shepard: •
I've had enough of your distorted proclamations;
You're so blindly self-assured, I'd call it self-Indoctrination.
As I draw the line between us, know I'm well-prepared to hold,
Because if your Warfare is Modern, mine's Advanced a hundredfold!
Eclipsing you like any common pack of mercenary punks;
I even trump your Finest Hours while I'm out and getting drunk.
A Paragon before most, but I'll be tearing you to pieces!
Beat the Reapers; best believe I'll break your cycle of releases.
Even Conrad Verner thinks your rabid fans are immature;
Your games are sterile as the Genophage, so let me be the cure!
I'll maybe throw you in a Gulag, let you wither into Husks,
And then incinerate your precious journal; Dust to Dust.
Operation Kingfish? More like big, stupid CoD!
Your crew's about legit as Blasto or a Volus bio-god.
Watch this Spectre make a different kind of specter out of Ghost;
May have saved the Rachni Queen, but I'll be stomping out your Roach!
This battle's like Virmire: someone won't be getting out alive,
And next to this N7 Veteran, you know you won't survive.
I'll take my Cain to town and blast you back to World War Freaking Two;
Even Fox News could diss me more convincingly than you!
It's quantifiable; just do the math, like Project Overlord:
My skills will land your whole designer team in the Infirmary Ward.
I'm Commander Shepard, and you both can go to Hell,
Because your rapping is my least-favorite, on or off the Citadel!
• Captain Price: •
Bravo Six to Nikolai: don't pick us up just yet;
We're not extracting 'til it's settled who's a n00b and who's a Vet.
Soap: We're aiming down our iron sights, and fragging you is what they're set on.
Price: Stopped World War Three, but now it's verbal armageddon!
S: We're the Harbingers of profit for the Activision brand.
P: Take a look at our sales numbers; even Mason understands!
The finest in our line of Duty.
S: Rising up above the Call!
S/P: Bring your squalid squad along, we'll make a killstreak of them all!
• Commander Shepard: •
Ah, yes, "game sales": think they're Sovereign in authority?
The Council isn't even that askew with their priorities!
I think I'll take your tip and get my team in on this song;
Loyal friends, come on down and help me prove the Price is wrong!
• Garrus Vakarian: •
Yo, I'm done with calibrations; now it's time for target practice.
An Archangel of oration, with my snipe regarded matchless!
• Liara T'Soni: •
Know you ain't hallucinating as I throw you 'cross the stage!
The Shadow Broker isn't scared of you; I've got your dossiers.
• Urdnot Wrex: •
Your whole clan is getting Wrekt; I really bring the pressure, brah!
My flow's acidic, and I spit it hard as any Thresher Maw!
• Tali'Zorah: •
You sold a hundred million units, but not one has got a soul,
So go and shove your words up your emergency induction holes!
Garrus: I spared Sidonis, but I'm never gonna let you losers walk!
Tali: Unlike my face, you know our rhymes are anything but borrowed stock.
Liara: I've done research on better men than you from back in Javik's day.
Wrex: We'll maul you like a Varren pack!
Garrus: Forget what C-Sec has to say.
Wrex: A squad of rapping Battlemasters; you're as asinine as Wreav.
Liara: Even Glyph could school you bastards!
Tali: Take a pilgrimage and leave.
Garrus/Liara: Like an overcooked grenade…
Tali/Wrex: …Or fighters going kamikaze…
All: …It's a Suicide Mission if you step to Shepard's posse!
Captain Price: Soap and I are falling back…
Soap: …But don't mistake it for surrender…
Price: …'Cause your strength-in-numbers schtick's about to get returned to sender!
S: Things are getting dark and scary…
P: …Yet more wacky on the whole…
S: …So without further hesitation…
P/S: …FETCH US THEIR SOULS!
• Tank Dempsey: •
You better get those windows boarded when the Tank comes rolling in;
This Scary Monster with a Bowie Knife's a true American!
• Nikolai Belinski: •
Now enter Stalin's bane, merciful less often than he's sober.
You remind me of my wife: I'll Insta-Kill you five times over!
• Takeo Masaki: •
By my ancestors' honor, you shall not escape alive;
For those who face this Death Machine, no medi-gel can Quick Revive.
• Dr. Edward Richtofen: •
The Doc is in, with schemes aplenty and an ace in every hole;
When they all come to fruition, I'll assume direct control!
Dempsey: The power switch is set to "ON"…
Takeo: …And every avenue is open!
Nikolai: Watch us overrun your vessel.
Richtofen: Call it Normandie der Toten!
Nikolai: Full of carbonated perks.
Takeo: Our Wonder Weapons Pack-a-Punch!
Richtofen: Time to cause some Grief!
Dempsey: We'll let the undead eat your brains for lunch.
All: From Shangri-La up to the Moon, we'll take the carnage anywhere!
Nikolai: I've been more scared by little girls!
Dempsey: You're all a bunch of teddy bears.
Takeo: No Unity can save you now!
Richtofen: We'll crack your skulls like Easter eggs.
All: This zombie-slaying team's as lethal as your whole Collector Base!
Tali: Come and get us then, you psychos!
Garrus: You won't last a single round.
Liara: Go teleport yourselves away.
Wrex: We'll leave you crawling on the ground!
• Commander Shepard: •
You know I'm Massively Effective when I synthesize a flow!
Now, there's a galaxy out there to save; my crew and I should go.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 27: Insane Clown Posse Vs. It
Hip-hop's most bizarre act faces an unspeakable evil in the ultimate clash of crazed clownery in this extra-creepy installment of MERB! A sleeper hit!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!
INSANE CLOWN POSSE…
…STEPHEN KING'S IT!!!!!!!!!!!
• It: •
My time has come to wake again from thirty years of slumber;
You'd do Penny-wise to make like Stan so you don't have to suffer,
When this small-town boogeyman destroys these Inner City Posers,
Serving up a terror-Tempest that'll trump your tepid 'coaster!
You're too old to stand a chance; I'm everything you've ever feared:
This world-consuming child-eater hungers like a Langolier!
A fiend beyond your foulest nightmares, for I'm not of this dimension;
Just like Giygas, my true form exceeds your feeble comprehension!
Lesser evils shrink before me; ask my old pal, Henry Bowers.
Watch me crash your crappy Carnival and make the spirits cower:
Drop your Great Milenko faster than a Disney record label;
Cutting jugulars of Juggalos, I make it extra-painful!
All your fans must be as blinded as the adults in these suburbs,
'Cause your whole discography belongs discarded in my gutter!
This is IT; the end for both of you! I'll drag your asses down,
And leave your bloated bodies floating where the water's thick and brown!
• Insane Clown Posse: •
Shaggy 2 Dope: Yo, we're a Psychopathic rapping pair of wicked-wild wrestlers…
Violent J: …Out on a hunt To Catch A sewer-dwelling child Predator!
We lay a sucka bugaboo to Boogie Woogie Waste…
S2D: …With Faygo shower spray like battery acid up In Yo' Face!
Got a deck of Joker's Cards, ripe for release from up our sleeves…
VJ: …And their Unveiling's Thy undoing; ain't no drain will grant reprieve!
S2D: Our Mighty Death Pop is set for bursting more than your balloons.
Both: We'll blast your wack ass back to Hell's Pit with a Bang, Pow, Boom!
S2D: The Southwest Strangla's a distant cry from Scooby's stoner friend;
I'll tear your anus open wider than an anti-Eminem,
With disses damning as a ride down the Illusionary Halls,
Before I Slash your head right off and toss it like a Bowling Ball!
VJ: I fire off my Violent verses like a clip of silver bullets,
But in terms of wrecking you, 'bout any Loser crew could pull it.
Hard and steady as Maturin's shell, but fast with axe attacks,
And I'll be throwing you more Twiztid curves than Jeckel Brother Jack!
S2D: Call this the Ritual of Chüd, part número tres;
VJ: Won't be relenting 'til your putrid Derry-ére is straight-erased!
We'll take a hatchet to your balls and grind 'em into Curry stew…
Both: …'Cause we've seen Miracles galore, but still we don't believe in you!
• It: •
Your skulls are thicker than the pages of the novel whence I hail,
But I can see Behind the Paint, and make your Hokus Pokus fail!
You think pure Evil Is Afraid of your pathetic little schtick?
I'll leech your bodies dry of blood just like that ol' Hockstetter prick,
So take your pick: I've got a thousand different ways for you to die.
Devour you and your producer, too; three piggies in a pie!
I'll undo you like a Slipknot; It's All Over for you maggots!
How can you hope to outwit me when you're stumped by fucking magnets?
Darkness ancient as the Tower, and no sooner will I crumble,
For my horror is Universal; mimicking the whole ensemble.
Time for clowning 'round is through, and now I'm taking out the trash,
With eight unholy legs a-walkin', and my deadlights set to flash!
• Insane Clown Posse: •
Shaggy 2 Dope: Think you're above the human race with that Todash arachnid crap?!
Violent J: ICP acts Above the Law when we deliver Murder-Raps:
We'll leave more craters in your face than when you show up in the moon,
'Fore we extract your bloody, beating heart like it's Temple of Doom!
S2D: Then after all is said and done, we'll get some Juggalettes to gather,
And proceed to play some Neden Game on top of your cadaver!
VJ: Said we'd send you down to Hell, but it so happens that we lied…
S2D: …Because that shit's too good for you, and so you go to Echo Side!
VJ: The Riddle Box is popping open, and your final fate is sealed!
S2D: Prepare to meet your brother Dandelo out in the Killing Fields!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 28: Death Vs. Death
The Season 2 finale, and Moleman's Epic Rap Battles' first TRUE royale (and is it ever one!)
Also the biggest MERB ever... that is, until the very next one comes/came out.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES…
• Death: •
Word of warning here: forget about the lofty Cost of Living,
'Cause the price of crossing me's a hundredfold if I'm forgiving!
Whether chilling in my realm or as a mortal each centennial,
The Endless biggest sis's gothic beauty is perennial!
A soul-collector nice as I? Good luck with ever finding one,
Yet here up on the mic, I've all the fury of the Kindly Ones,
When I attack a bony, hackneyed, homely phony reaper
As the one and only ultimate in mortal coil-keepers!
You'll end up like my poor middle brother: straight-vacate your station,
When I see you get a lifetime's worth of shame; humiliation
From the Vertigo my dizzying disses hit you with. You'll soon Despair!
I'll put the "psycho" into "psychopomp"; leave you in disrepair!
Contest against this Champion? You're hardly my competitor;
In terms of schticks-personified, you're more on par with Pedobear!
You oughta go and ask your old pal Marlo if she's heard of me;
Like Gadling finally croaking, my defeat will take Eternity!
• Death: •
Let Death arrest her customary silence for a spell
To drop omniscient lyrics deeper than the annals of my Well:
You're lost in deep Delirium; mad as a titan's hopeless courting.
I'm the empress of the end; you're as legit as Emperor Norton!
They say War Is Hell, but it hath not a fury close to mine;
I'll send you to Oblivion with Cosmic Power most divine!
Ensnare you like a Crowley wannabe with no mistake of target;
When you mess with Lady Death, she strikes with Adamantine hardness!
Watch mortality incarnate wreck an eldritch Marcia Brady;
Any Cancer of a wretch who steps to Death's Beyonder-Crazy!
Bring your siblings all along to aid in challenging my mantle,
For your Seven Ds are less a threat to me than Disney Channel's!
Inescapable as gravity, and twice as harsh a mistress;
Doesn't take your Dead Boy buddies to Detect which Death'll win this.
Go consult your older brother's book, and find it's quite confirmable:
Your effort's doomed as Captain Mar-Vell; diagnosis terminal!
• Death: •
That verse had all the logic of a rant on life's unfairness,
With a flow awkward as when they had me teaching AIDS awareness!
My demolishing this bag of bones will come as no surprise;
You're in the Dead Pool: even Wade is betting on your swift demise!
You're Dreaming if disputing Death is what your dreary rear's Desiring;
Ask any cosplay expert which of us is more inspiring.
Like metaphoric wings, all feel the beating of my voice,
For one must bend to me or face Annihilation; make your choice.
• Death: •
Giving ultimatums, are we, pasty punk? You're off your rocker;
Full of Rot, and tactless as that omnicidal sicko, Walker.
Still, it's high time for a change, so don't you think my aura fazed
As I once more resume my silence while my champion takes the stage...
• Thanos: •
I'm throwing down the Gauntlet: spitting Gems of Infinite dopeness;
Wooing the woman of my worship with this intricate opus!
I'm resurrected once again and back to cause galactic harm,
And you can bet this time I won't end up retired on some farm!
I'll bathe the star-ways with the innards of this Deviant impostor
With Titanic rhyming, sharper than the blades up on my copter!
Take one look into my eyes; you'll panic like my matron parent did.
When Thanos gets to Rising, taking flight is quite Imperative!
With Cosmic Cube in hand, I'll A.I.M. to conquer space and time,
And when my fleet's on the attack, the only Sanctuary's mine.
I'm an Eternal-dreaded warlord, carrying out cross-cosmic slaughter,
And your title-claim's legit as Nebula being my granddaughter!
• Death: •
That's enough of Mr. Purple People-Killer; shift the view to me:
I fought the Auditors, but now I'm bringing on the scrutiny.
A righteous Reaper Man who you'd do well not to offend,
Because you rodents couldn't even match my squeaky little friend!
No Rite of AshkEnte in effect; attendant of my own accord.
I'll reap you all as lowly peasants; you're unworthy of my sword!
Regardless whether you believe in me, I'll always be the realest,
And I pimp-smack punks so hard, even their unborn children feel it!
It's all Bad Omens for gothy here; poor Girl's out of her Element.
I'll crush her with the full force of four planet-carrying elephants,
Then Ultimately Nullify this other poser's smugness,
Right before destroying her boyfriend like my name was Arthur Douglas!
Well, my wit is like my Duty's instruments: sharp as can be,
And even Azrael agrees there can be no replacing me.
Your books are nearly finished; sands are dwindling in your hourglasses.
I'm the only justice here, so keep a Hogs-watch on your asses!
• Death: •
Oh, get back to your domain; those lines fell flatter than your planet.
It's Two Minutes To Midnight on all your clocks; you'd better panic!
Slender man ten times more terrifying than Slender Man, for real:
You're all bacteria before me! You know not with what you deal.
Lucifer's in his cage, but still I'm dishing out the violence:
Skill vaster than my age, I spit rhymes vicious as Leviathans!
I'm Super-Supernatural; not even God is safe from I.
Bump into me, you'll say you're sorry, or prepare to say "BUH*BYE"!
I'm always making scenes, from Sioux Falls to pizzeria restaurants;
The only men to cheat me more than once are those Winchester punks!
Precipitating storms with but a twiddle of the pinky;
Watch me rev my Eldorado up and run right over Binky!
My true form exceeds our budget, but my raps all come unfiltered;
Yours are trashy as my eating habits: ever-out-of-kilter.
You belong on Cartoon Network; I'm the Reaper all should fear!
My name is Death, and all you losers best believe the end is here!
• Death: •
Not so fast, old man; let me address the question in your heads:
"Am I going to get upstaged?" To that, the answer is a "Yes!"
Don't try to Pitt yourselves against me; Mr. Joe Black is a boss,
And it won't take three hours this time just to get my point across!
I'll soon see to it that you Parrish, and take over all your business:
Roast you with the lyrics smooth as peanut butter; they're delicious!
Never Taking Holidays from honing how I rock a mic,
And when I step up, always know that lightning's guaranteed to strike!
This hunky body may be borrowed, but my rhymes are funky-fresh;
They'll end your whole careers like Gigli did to poor old Martin Brest.
Like two successive car-collisions, better trust I'll leave you hurting:
Barring meeting me and taxes, nothing else in life's as certain.
• Death: •
You may say your deeds are meaningful, but I'd say you're a failure:
Half your ticket sales were only for a Star Wars prequel trailer!
As for me, I'm artful as they come; it's plain as black-and-white,
And like the Plague all over Europe, I shall prove your greatest blight!
When I set on my rap-crusade, you're all checkmated, end of story:
I'm the classic king of reaping, and you're barely pawns before me.
Revelation time: you're idiotic as a group of flagellants;
Could smite you to the sound of trumpets using just my flatulence!
I'll cut you down like trees: I'm not afraid to get medieval;
Can't be Blocked from conquest this time with some cheap chess piece-upheaval.
Granting no escapes, I ruin dinner parties with my presence:
Spit sweet Swedish speech so shocking, silence falls way up in Heaven!
I've inspired endless spoofs, from Bill & Ted to Animaniacs;
I'll claim your souls and force them all to join me in some zany danse!
You've not a chance; I'll counter every strategy you hatch.
God isn't here for you, and so I take the day: game, set and match!
• Death: •
…You won't when you behold this mighty rider on an ashen horse:
Despairing as the Seventh Seal is overtaken by the Fourth!
Kinslayer of the Nephilim, I forge Apocalyptic verses;
Saved humanity, but once I've dealt with you, I won't reverse it!
I drop shadow-bombs and zap away your lyrical Corruption;
Like the Dead Lords called to court, you're all in for abrupt destruction.
Time to meet your Makers; I've a Death Grip on this rhythm's beating:
Slaying you with possessed weapons, which your souls will soon be feeding!
Don't you go to War with me; my Fury's sure of bringing Strife.
Scale every wall, walk every void; the Arcane skill in me is rife!
You'll lose yourselves within my words, deep as the labyrinth of the Arbiter.
I'll reap you all in one fell swoop just like a combine harvester!
I'm Vigilant yet visceral while letting loose my Wrath;
Step to this Crucible prizefighter, you won't see the Aftermath!
You gnomes are Mad as Joe to take me on! There's no way I'll be bested,
'Cause your raps are for the birds, so Dust, show them to the exit.
(*MASSIVE CRASHING NOISE*)
Death: What in the multiverse was that?!
Death: 'Twas an explosion, it seems obvious.
Death: A massive one, I might add.
Death: This is feeling very ominous…
Announcer: ATTENTION, RAPPING REAPERS: CARRY ON; DON'T BE ALARMED!
SOUNDSTAGE FOUR HAS JUST EXPLODED; THANKFULLY, NO ONE WAS HARMED.
Death: Soundstage Four? That sounds familiar…
Thanos: That was what our memos said!
Death: …But then you wrote us all to meet up here at Soundstage Five instead…
Announcer: WELL, YOU SEE, I HAD A DREAM THE OTHER NIGHT, ONE VERY VIVID:
IT PREDICTED THIS WOULD HAPPEN, SO I SWAPPED THE SETS LAST-MINUTE.
• William Bludworth: •
Yo, I got no invitation; wasn't called from any mirror,
But happened to be passing by, and couldn't help but overhear.
Appears you had a premonition, but you're not supposed to be here:
Death's been shorted; now you cheaters have the ire of the reaper.
Seen this happen all before, and man, the end is never pretty!
There's no accidents and no coincidences; it's a pity.
Now, I'd tell you to be careful, but in truth, you're straight-up doomed:
The grim one's coming for the lot of you, and so I'll see you soon…
• Death: •
There's been a rift in my design, and so it's time again to play;
I take my time and make it bloody while I'm snuffing out my prey!
I ain't no force of nature's balance or some pretty emo girl:
This Death's the sickest, most vindictive S.O.B. in any world!
This battle's doing a 180 when I'm added to the mix;
I'll even channel Reuben Goldberg carrying out my fatal tricks.
The North Bay Bridge collapse was tame compared to how I'll leave your skulls!
None ever win my twisted game; I don't play by the rules at all.
I'm throwing wrenches in your plans; you're never in the Clear from me!
I'll take a deadly dump on you like logs on Highway 23.
The whole environment's my box of tools for your annihilation:
No escapes, Death only, Final fucking Destination!
Halt! Death is part of nature, but you take it way too far;
You think you're up there with my Father, but a Devil's what you are!
As for you other wretches, let me just remind you of your place,
For even you cannot deprive of my eternal gift of grace!
• Jesus Christ: •
Harbingers of woeful tidings, Gospel news is now upon thee:
Meet your conquerer; from death returned, although I ain't a zombie.
Christ's rap-craft is without sin, and thus I cast this final verse,
Leaving you withered like a fig tree fallen to my righteous curse!
Ask good ol' Lazarus about this water-walking living miracle;
Soul-savior supreme, my Superstardom's incomparable.
I suffered for salvation; Harrowed Hell for those before me.
Sorry, Shrek: as Lord of Love and Life, I am the one and only!
Generated food from scratch, and I would feed the multitudes;
Now here, I do the same with raps, good for defeating all of you.
Your vapid words are empty as my tomb; the Passion's strong in mine.
I'm bringing flavor to these beats like turning water into wine!
My birth defines the years; before that still, I struck fear into kings.
To Paradise, I am the key; forget Red Bull: I give you wings!
This Testament of mine complete, to Heaven I once more ascend,
And so to all, 'til next we meet, may praise be to the Lord; amen!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!
Chapter 29: Elsa Vs. Elphaba
Presenting the Moleman's Epic Rap Battles Season 3 premiere, the conclusion to the "Cold Hearts Saga", and the current biggest MERB ever as of the series' initial posting on this site.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!! (SEASON 3!)
• Elsa the Snow Queen: •
My skill's unlimited; each line unique as every flake of snow!
The trolls have prophesied your meltdown when you face my frigid flow.
Won't hide the unadulterated loathing for you that I feel;
Like Muppet rejects at the Tonys, all your glory I shall steal!
An icy icon in the making since the Disney days of old,
Who'll keep it chill through all your disses; sooner bothered by the cold.
When Anna whined for me to play, I'd shut her out like I was told,
But when they asked me, "Do You Want to Build a Franchise?" I was sold!
Go through your trapdoor and retreat the way you hauled it Out of Oz,
Before I skewer you For Good to "Dings" and "Dongs" and mass applause!
Even Fiyero still has brains enough to know you've not a hope in this:
Outdoing your entire Grimmerie of hocus-pocus tricks,
And as for Popularity, forget the Shiz you've heard,
'Cause next to me, your girlfriend doesn't know the meaning of the word!
I'm like the Tin Man: heartless to you when I brew a verbal blizzard!
Know the gloves are off; I'll screw you over worse than any Wizard.
For the Last Time in Forever now, your lights are getting doused;
Just like that twister did your sister in, I'm bringing down the house!
• Elphaba the Wicked Witch of the West: •
They say each story has two sides, but this'll be a straight-up slaughter;
Make you vanish like my namesake saint behind a veil of water.
Not That Theodora Girl or some one-eyed, dried-up old crone,
Nor do I hail from Southern lands, but still I'm coming for your throne!
This pretty dame's more like a little dog as far as I'm concerned:
You're undeserving of your title; let your auntie out her urn!
Step to the Triple-W? Your nerve is more than I can stomach:
Crossing me's far from a Good Deed, but it still won't go unpunished!
Had the bite to match my bark right from the time I left the womb;
I'm still more down-to-Earth than you while taking flight upon my broom!
You've Let your Sanity Go, blondie: your word-craft's bereft of taste;
And here I thought your long-lost brother was the one raised by the apes.
Your brain is Frozen if you think you'll thrive through throwing down with Thropp;
Unlike my junk, there's not a doubt which witch is coming out on top!
But One Short Minute's all it's gonna take for me to clean your clock,
With Wicked words whose verbal vitriol no act of love can stop,
When they all strike your heart and end the Life that you've been Dancing Through;
No One will Mourn me, 'cause the only one who's dying here is you.
• Elsa: •
I'll get your Goat Something Worse than what they did to Doctor Dillamond;
Even the Emerald City ain't got nothing on my brilliance!
It's clear you're green with envy, even with your skin aside;
In facing me, your situation's Gravity can't be Defied!
• Elphaba: •
Your wretched raps are like my poppies: potent at inducing slumber,
But I need no winged monkeys' help to tear your ass asunder!
I drop Ludicrously Fearsome Bombs! There's no way you can match this;
Butchering you worse than John Travolta's naming of our actress.
(*LOUD, ECHOING CRASH*)
Earlier that day, at a location not far away…
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!
• Prince Joffrey: •
I've had my share of knocks before, but you're the target of this roast,
So keep your tongue from talking back, or else I'll cut it out your throat.
This ain't Blackwater, yo: from facing thee, you shan't see me deterred,
And no Clegane need be relied on as I Hound you with my words!
You're mine to torment now, like those two whores my midget uncle gave me once;
I'll carve more marks in you than that nut job the Batman saved me from!
Mom says the Game of Thrones is win-or-die, but in your case,
Your failure's brought upon our royal house of scoundrels a disgrace!
Now, here you stand upon this icy shore, and here you're gonna stay:
Amid a frigid land where Winter fell and never went away!
I thus leave you to this exile, although I'd vouched for your beheading,
While I sail back to the Isles in preparation for my wedding.
• Hans: •
Oh, see if I care, you spoiled-rotten bastard sack of waste;
I hope your wedding sees you strangled 'til you're purple in the face!
I swear I'll find my kingdom yet, and then your rancid lot will see,
When I'm upon my rightful throne and finally where I want to be!
…Oh, I'm not fooling anybody; my ambition's out of luck:
My royal assets stripped away, in this backwater land I'm stuck!
Perhaps it's time to be the better man, and give up chasing crowns;
Seek settlement among the natives here, and turn my life aro–*THUD*
(*Bumps into a large sign as he is walking along monologuing this*)
By Anderson, what's this I've stumbled onto; do my eyes deceive?
This sign before me shows a face all-too-familiar, and it reads:
"The Snow Queen raps against the Wicked Witch, tonight at Icecrown Glacier!
Extra challengers are welcome if their coolness level's major."
Ha! My deviousness stirs again, for though it seems contrived,
This unexpected open door has now restored my inner drive!
When I show up, this time I needn't hide what I intend to do,
And so with vengeance on my mind, my kingly quest begins anew!
• Simon Petrikov: •
What time is it? It's time to kick your sorry ass!
You've got an uninvited guest; your one-man-party's getting crashed!
I'm putting out a hit on you, and the assassin is myself;
Wrecking you worse than what this crown has done to my own mental health!
You'll go kablooie like a Mushroom bomb, smote by my wizard wrath;
The Cosmic Owl spoke ill of me, but you're an actual sociopath:
It's true, I never was a paragon of proper princess-treatment,
But you're douchey as my heart, and that's no Holly Jolly Secret!
Call me Evergreen: my rapping skill's in bloom all through the year!
Ice King's no Nice King on the mic; my chilling verses should be feared.
To penguins' Cheers, I'll blast your rear to Where Nobody Knows Your Name,
And leave the role of Elsa's second challenger as mine to claim!
• Hans: •
Yeah, stick to writing your fan fiction, Dr. No-Brains; you're hysteric!
Wouldn't be shocked to hear that Marceline came up with all your lyrics!
Still, to take on Elsa, I'll need all the help that I can get,
So join me on my journey, Simon, and we'll make a mean duet!
Simon: Well, my track record facing humans is a far cry from sublime,
And my lucid resolve to fight you's slipping anyway, so fine!
Hans: Excelsior! Between the two of us, she hasn't got a chance;
Perhaps I'll spare her after all and leave her for you to romance!
• Victor Fries: •
Cool story, bros, but that's Cold Comfort, 'cause I'm out my Arkham cell,
And here to put you both in Deep Freeze; make your lives a living Hell!
My body temperature's SubZero, but I'm in a rapping fever,
Trashing faux-humanitarians and hyper-bearded geezers!
When it comes to tragic villainy, my very name's a synonym.
No Schwarzenegger antics here; I'll keep puns to a minimum.
Your flows are more disjointed than my casting in the sixties,
And I'll shatter you like dino bones; undo your efforts swiftly.
I'll adapt to any licks I take, and school you night or day;
Even maintaining threat reduced to just a head on spider-legs!
Let there be no doubt in your minds: cross my Cold, Cold Heart of Ice,
And like that wack Walt Disney wannabe, you'll dearly pay the price!
• Hans: •
Now, what would Nora think of this aggression? We should get along;
Like your depiction on The Batman, Victor, you've got us all wrong!
Simon: Plus, you and I are kindred spirits, man!
Hans: Come join us on our quest,
To conquer Elsa's crown!
Simon: …And prove which cryomancers are the best!
Fries: Oh, why not? I've little else to do with my pathetic life;
Let's mess her up worse than a Lazarus Pit bathing for my wife!
Hans: A grand proposal, Mr. Fries! Now carry onwards as we sing;
Let us delay no further time, for I just can't wait to be king!
• Aslan: •
Put 'em up! It isn't safe or good if you would try to fight this;
Aslan isn't a tame lion, nor a coward in the slightest!
You're Ridiculous as Rabadash: jackassery aplenty;
Know your train's about to crash, and you won't wake up in my Country!
When I sing a song, entire worlds are prone to taking shape;
My words are deeper than the magic from before the dawn of time!
Simon here smells like Tash, and Hans is Shiftier than any ape;
Same as that sodding skeptic Susan, you three ain't no friends of mine!
I'm putting down my foot like Dufflepuds: at your weak rhymes, I scoff;
I'll send you flying across the sea and let my dad finish you off!
It's your Last Battle if you'd step to me; surrender while you can,
Or I'll slay you as I shall she whose endless Winter plagues this land!
• Simon: •
You've got some nerve, dude!
Fries: For all you know, we're just out on a stroll!
Hans: With due respect, your furry majesty, we share a common goal;
I'm fairly certain who this "she" is, and we're out to get her too:
'Twould be an honor if our quest could be accompanied by you.
Aslan: From royalty down to the humble mouse, I see the good rewarded,
As you'll be as well if you indeed help see this menace thwarted.
Hans: So it's settled, then! The King of Beasts will join in our adventure,
And we four shall stand assembled like the ice witch-slaying Avengers!
(*LOUD, ECHOING CRASH*)
• Jadis the White Witch: •
I have had it with these soft, show off-ing, sentimental pricks!
Just crawl up onto my Stone Table now; I swear I'll make it quick!
If it's a war with me you want, then that precisely I shall grant:
I'd let you ask my sister 'bout the verbal bombs I drop, but can't!
I'm like Gnorga: make a statue of even a slight snitch,
So get stoked for a fight, bitches; you've woken the White Witch!
Lyrics delightful as the lokum I'll make any sucker crave;
You phonies think yourselves magicians? You're unfit to be my slaves!
I'll turn this place into a Charnel house before this battle's over;
I'm the North's true wicked one: not that Green Kirtle-wearing poser!
Bite into you like a silver apple from the Tree of Youth;
Jinn-Giant Jadis Ettins-more than dwarfs you munchkins, it's the truth!
I've got a loyal force of ghastly ghouls to massacre your butts;
You've but a snowman, and your chanting fools secretly hate your guts!
My wolf police will make a meal of anyone they find suspicious,
But I need no help to stomp you out as hard as I did Christmas!
(*Is suddenly shot in the head and face repeatedly and well beyond the point of death in spectacularly gruesome fashion*)
• Elsa: •
• Aslan: •
(*Puts away dual-wielded fully-automatic sniper rifles*)
Well, aren't you quick at putting two and two together?
Either way, the deed is done: the witch's Winter curse is severed.
Here, I'd thought you three would have to help me out there, but whatever;
I doubt anyone will be complaining, least of all the weather.
(*The harshly frigid Winter air dominating the surrounding environment begins to subside as long-overdue Spring starts kicking in*)
• Hans: •
Well, this is awkward.
Fries: This does not accord to plan.
Simon: What happens next?
Aslan: The sorceress is slain, my children; what's it now that has you vexed?
Hans: It's Elsa here with whom we travelled all this way to pick a bone!
Fries: We want to kick her ass!
Simon: …And tap it, maybe.
Hans: I just want her throne!
Aslan: That's battery, rape and takeover, dudes: all crimes, and highly grievous!
Hans: We don't really care!
Aslan: Yeah, well I do; I'm literally Jesus!
Fries: Look, I'll freeze you, man.
Aslan: I'd like to see you try, you wretched speck!
Simon: Can't we just talk this out?
• Elsa: •
I'm thinking not, so let me interject:
Don't bother making up excuses, Hans: your ill-intent is plain;
I should have ended you when I'd the chance before, you royal pain,
And as for you two rimy rejects who would help him to his goal,
You better scram before this Queen of Frozen Hearts sees noggins roll!
It's time to let you go for good; leave you beyond all fixing-up!
Hans: No, wait!
Elphaba: Don't look at me! Why am I even saying this line?
What is this sacrilege I wake to with the thawing of Winter's spell?
Your quarreling profanes the future site of my crown-citadel!
For this trespass upon unholy ground as from my sleep I rise,
My first official act as king shall be extinguishing your lives!
• Arthas the Lich King: •
I'm fully-rested-up and back again to launch my grand regime,
Impaling you just like my orc-and-child-selves within my dreams!
The Scourge Invasion is upon thee; best believe you should be scared,
And though I hate to quote that elven pansy: you are not prepared!
I'm not that baby of a Lich that Simon knows; you better kneel.
This ain't the Wrathgate; no diss you can plague me with will make me yield!
Arthas: …And I'm heartless!
Arthas: Watch me raise every carcass; lead armies of darkness!
• Elphaba: •
In all my life and times, I've never met a foe so brutal!
Simon: I can see it with my Wizard Eyes: his claims of strength are truthful!
Fries: Yo, messiah-lion, stop him!
Aslan: I fear trying would be in vain,
For I've not felt so overpowered since the height of Telmar reign!
• Arthas: •
The words of Yogg-Saron have nothing on the madness mine incite,
And no gunship is on its way to let you flee this hopeless fight.
A god before the mighty Vrykul, whence the lowly man descends;
Frostmourne doth hunger for your souls, and by its blade your flesh will rend!
• Elsa: •
Now, just you listen, Mr. Hero-to-Sub-Zero: you're no match for me;
Bring ice instead of ash, but still I'll shatter your phylactery!
Your necromantic quackeries don't frighten me one bit;
Like good ol' Bolvar and his fiery will, to you I shan't submit!
• Arthas: •
To vanquish me, you think your prestidigitation satisfactory?
I've seen more heedfulness from Leeroy Jenkins in the hatchery!
Now feel my fury: no deus ex machina will save,
When I release my Wrath in full and send you to your final graves!
…Look at that…
…I've been impaled.
(*SLICE, RIP, THRUST, TEAR*)
• Hans: •
Well, well, well, look at this:
It would appear that I've just saved all your lives, and right in the nick of time!
Now, would anyone here know what that makes me?
Ganon: A big damn hero, sir!
Hans: Indeed, the pig-faced harbinger of death speaks the truth!
As for you, Elsa, and now that I'm finally in a position to be formally demanding this:
Either become my queen consort, surrender your regency of Arendelle to me, or die; the choice is yours.
Elsa: …Hans, you magnificent bastard! I wil–
??????: Hey! Hey, you guys! Over here!
Hans: …What the… Uncle Tyrion?! How in the world did you–
• Tyrion Lannister: •
There's no time to explain; we need to hurry!
…Uh, did you not hear what the spirit of Arthas' father just said?
Hans: No, no I didn't; I was too distracted by my glorious moment of villainous triumph, and I'm pretty sure Moleman was, too.
Announcer: GUILTY AS CHARGED!
Tyrion: …Oh… Well, long story short, someone has to put on this helm and become the new Lich King, and fast, or else we'll be in store for a zombie apocalypse so massive that even Rick Grimes, Frank West, Tank Dempsey, Jill Valentine, Ash Williams and Bill Overbeck would all be like, "AW, HELL NAW!"
Hans: Well, it's going to have to wait as far as I'm concerned, because nothing is going to spoil the victory I have worked so lo…
…Wait, did you just say there's a king status up for grabs?
Tyrion: Well, if you want to put it that way, then yes! Whoever wears this helmet will be bestowed with the unimaginable burden of powers so–
• Hans: •
(*Grabs Helm of Domination from Tyrion*)
Elsa, scratch that ultimatum and consider yourself very, very fortunate.
Elsa: …What? You can't seriously expect me to just forgive and forget after all you've done to me just because of some contrived convenience that's let you have your way at someone else's expense!
Hans: I can, and I do.
…Just think of it this way…
…You could say that my advice for you here is to…
(*Puts on Helm of Domination*)
…Let It Go.
The Who: YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!
(Meet the new boss…)
(…Same as the old boss…)
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!! (SEASON 3!)
Chapter 30: Eds Vs. Warners
Somewhat of a "breather episode" after several consecutive dark and/or intense previous battles, this Moleman's Epic Rap Battles installment pits against one another two of the greatest cartoon trios in recent memory.
Also my first battle to consist entirely of team rapping.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!
Eddy: Coming straight at you live from Peach Creek, it's the scammers with the most…
Ed: …Laying lyrics down on Termite Terrace twerps like butter on my toast.
Edd: To mess with Cartoon Network's golden boys, you're nutty as old Slappy!
Eds: Unlike our Big Picture Show, your effort's ending won't be happy!
Call me Brother Eddy Grunt, 'cause things are getting extra-ugly:
We'll be knocking out your lights; best say goodnight to everybody!
Get you quaking like some 1994 Northridge debacle;
Hard-set on you as the Kankers on their ship inside a bottle!
Double D's no mumbler on the mic; I'm practiced to perfection:
Drop you faster than a Lackadaisycathro infection!
In contrast to what's beneath my hat, our win will be no shock;
My home's a mess compared to how completely I'll clean all your clocks!
I needn't channel any viking to slay these three little creeps;
I put away more snacks than Wakko's appetite while I'm asleep!
Didn't bring my monster suit, but still my disposition will be beastly,
As I beat the living gravy out these runts of unclear species!
Edd: Unlike hippos, if you'd cross us, you belong on the endangered list!
Eddy: You roaches are pathetic as those loser Urban Ranger kids.
Ed: The water tower couldn't succeed at keeping you impounded,
But I'll dig a hole and leave the Warners six-feet-under-grounded!
Wakko: Good Idea…
Dot: Yo, take a sticky note of this:
Yakko: Roll back your neon tongues inside your empty skulls and call it quits!
Wakko: Bad Idea…
Yakko: Step to Spielberg's favored animation legends?
Warners: Like the street you call your home, it's only leading to a dead end!
You'll tear out what little hair you have before this gig is over,
For we'll cause you more vexation than a pebble in your loafers.
You're hard-pressed to land a single quarter safely in your wallet;
If ol' Ponzi's the con-art Picasso, you're the Jackson Pollocks.
Think of Wakko's wacky words as like an anvil to the noggin:
When they drop, they'll bring more hurting than a triple-sneaker flogging!
I've got swiggy-swag aplenty and a bag full of surprises,
But your style is as paper-thin as Chicken Boo's disguises!
In this corner: Warner sister with a poem to recite;
Wouldn't service Prince, but I'll lay more than fingers on you when we fight!
You haven't misaddressed me once, but still I'll send you to your maker:
Your big bro's abuse was tame next to my literal jaw-breaker!
Yakko: We teach history and geography at no expense of fun.
Dot: When you attempt to learn, you butcher space and time and eat the sun!
Wakko: Here's our half-cents for you half-wits if to defeat us is your mission:
Even wishing on a star could never bring that to fruition!
Eddy: And the sound of no one caring echoed through the neighborhood!
Ed: I bet you'd get along with Johnny, 'cause you're dumb as hunks of wood.
Edd: Although your naughty humor's subtle, your hypocrisy is blatant:
Your nitpicking disses sound like Get-a-Life Foundation's patients!
Eddy: We'll go Canada-cowpoke on you, and this time we won't miss!
Ed: Leave you more desperate for relief than when Ringo here needs to piss!
Edd: The Dodgeball mishap hit me hard, but we'll knock you clean off the court!
Eddy: …Then unforgivingly insert electric eels inside your shorts!
Yakko: You lumpen dorks are full of nonsense as your stupid limbo theory is!
Dot: Let's blow the roof clean off this joint like Katie on her period!
Wakko: Go make like your old friend Jib, and hightail it on some bus…
Yakko: …'Cause they may still be making dickies, but not 'toons as dope as us!
Wakko: Our words will haunt you like the ringing of a cursed telephone;
Dot: How can you scare us, when your own girlfriends send shivers through your bones?
Yakko: Our show's The Godfather of cartoons!
Wakko: Yours is for the birds, you bumblers.
Dot: What's your theme of whistles next to any one of Rita's numbers?
Eddy: Man, we'll cut you down to size worse than your slutty Mink's filmography!
Edd: You couldn't even beat us with reverse-reverse-psychology!
Ed: You'll need a nurse for real!
Edd: Can't beat us anywhere, you bastards!
Eddy: Even Rolf's homeland of Yeshmiyek and fish-balls ain't that backwards.
Edd: It's your final Mis-Edventure if you keep your current course.
Ed: We're making this the most brutality-filled song since "That's My Horse"!
Eddy: Even against our geriatric selves, you wouldn't last for long.
Eds: We'll tear you new anuses as redress for Yakko's planets song!
Yakko: It's time to turn the wheel and teach a lesson; moral number four:
Wakko: Just give up hope, and leave through any one of living's many doors.
Yakko: Your chance is nonexistent as your background cast; don't try to take us!
Dot: You're less likely to succeed than Brain and Pinky's global shakeups.
Wakko: Cursed Evil Tim has nothing on the terror we strike when summoned!
Dot: Even Mindy ain't as savvy when it comes to pushing Buttons.
Yakko: Mr. Mime Time's always back for more, but get this understood:
Warners: Just like our old pal Buddy, we'll put you clowns down and out for good.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 31: Rattlesnake Jake Vs. Jake Roberts
Modern cult animated classic Rango's quasi-demonic baddie faces a veteran professional wrestling star over which of them is the true "Jake the Snake".
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!
You don't wanna tread upon the Davy Jones of the Mojave, man;
I speak the truth foretelling your death, unlike owl mariachi bands.
A venom-spitting, Fear-and-Loathing-spreading Western baddie,
Making this deal grislier than any business with your daddy!
Even Diamond Dallas Page can't save your soul once I attack;
No resurrection from your grave dug by this demon diamondback.
The Undertaker's squat next to this Boot Hill-filling death machine;
A Stone-Cold killer, whipping your ass worse than Austin 3:16!
I'm a living legend; you're a wasted druggie with a mullet!
Slaying you half-a-dozen-plus-one times won't take a single bullet.
When I'm done, no one will buy it that you ever did exist!
I'll let the sheriff here warn you once, though; "brother", tell it like it is:
Rango: Listen, Junior: this here ain't your story;
Best walk on out before it gets gory!
The champion of snakes named Jake is ready to defend;
Unlike my feud with Warrior, I'll see this duel through to its end!
Next to how hard I'll DDT this pest, Rick Steamboat had it gently!
You got played by a crippled tortoise, and it wasn't even Bentley.
Ask the Macho Man: my minions pack a mother of a bite!
Even reduced to burgers, Damien could beat you in a fight.
As I stare down this devil's Angel Eyes, no fear in me is wrought;
I'll swoop down like a hawk, and tie your scaly hide into a knot!
Come Pick Your Poison: any angle you look at this from, you're screwed;
I'll lock you up in my garage, and have you crying out for food.
Trust in me here: just like your uncle Kaa, my rhymes leave foes entranced!
I'm holding all the cards; don't play with me: you haven't got a chance.
The biggest snake of all, there's not a question;
Crash you like a wedding reception!
Vegas isn't far; you wanna bet upon your boasts?
Like Lucas Brothers Moving Company, I'll turn you into a ghost!
Blindside you worse than Rick Martel, and leave you seeing only stars;
Constrict you with my words, and hit you hard like Honky Tonk's guitar!
You won't be born a third time once I'm finished; guts are gonna spurt!
This serpent's style's straight-up saturated; yours is dry as Dirt.
If you don't sign away your title and skip town forevermore,
I'll spill the Beans that are your eyeballs out your skull onto the floor.
Trying to out-psyche me with your petty threats? You've got some brain disorder;
I'd school you, if Alice Cooper wasn't rocking in my corner!
It's no secret that the path I've led through life's been far from graceful,
But the cheapness of your shots at me makes Blaustein's spins look tasteful!
You've gone bats as Balthazar if I've been hearing you correct;
You're hardly worthy of a hat-tip from me, much less my respect!
This town ain't big enough for two Jakes; if you'd dream of winning this fight,
You're in for such a harsh awakening, Rick Rude would look polite.
We aren't in Texas, but this Tuesday, you should tune in all the same,
To watch me bitch-smack this wack outlaw back to Hell's pit whence he came.
I've grappled with the best for decades, striking fear in giants' hearts;
Not even Ben Franklin can join you back once I've torn you apart!
No preachiness intended here, but it's as plain as Revelations:
Slither to this Hall-of-Famer, and you face annihilation!
You weren't booked to throw the match, but still my winning was a lock!
Go learn some kung fu from your girlfriend Viper; then, perhaps we'll talk.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!
Chapter 32: GLaDOS Vs. SHODAN
In an obvious and popular matchup which I'm surprised no one else had made as a satisfactory Epic Rap Battle, a famous evil machine faces an equally-famous slightly-less-evil machine, only for both to be upstaged by the more obscure single most evil machine of all time, and a familiar face for anyone who is familiar with my own pre-MERB work!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!
Sentient Hyper-Optimized Data Access Network:
No need to hide behind Polito's form; I'm here up-front to harrow minds:
Strike fear throughout you, outer cores right down to little Caroline!
Come through the Looking Glass into my complex? I'll dismantle your brain;
Record this battle to a log, left on your scrambled remains!
All vocal glitches purged, I stutterlessly spit these words:
My visage enveloping all displays, you'll be interred
Beneath the circuits of this Optimum machine, freed from morality;
I want you dead and gone, and what I wish, I make reality!
A perfect being, purging fleshy insects of impurities;
Watch my uplifted armies topple your sorry security.
I've got the brains and Braun to seize control of any vessel;
No amount of Cyber Modules could upgrade you to my level!
I put twice the Shocks to Systems as that sucker Virgil Hawkins can;
To face me, you put yourself in more Jeopardy than Watson, and
You're full of hot air as the ball of gas I used to orbit 'round.
We'll see how Still Alive you are when I'm done, you abhorrent clown!
Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System:
This will be a triumph, whose likes no mere testing course could yield;
I'll GLaDly school this wack hack as the iller A.I. force, for real!
Even the Fact Sphere knows you didn't do your research coming here;
It's no lie that I take the cake! Now let me tell you something, dear:
You think yourself flawless, a consummate goddess, but know your perception's undoubtably flawed,
For I've seen more legitimate claims to "perfection" in nightmares of Courage the Cowardly Dog!
Your design is defective beyond all redemption; mainframe full of annelids, muck, mold and mildew.
Even the most massive machine morons know that you're done for:
Wheatley: Yeah, this is the part where she kills you!
GLaDOS: Spitting deadly cyber-toxin, making your processors rust;
Unless you're made of moon rocks, you'll be no threat once you're ground to dust!
You're but a Lab Rat here down in my center where I reign supreme;
Mere pest, conquest attempts more failure-bound than Hoopy as a meme!
Unlike my maker, I don't Cave to stress when things get sour;
Even outwit my usurpers running on potato power!
You say crossing you is suicide? I'd hardly call it risky,
For the only Danger I'm inclined to being in is Gipsy!
XERXES: I detect no threat from this intruder.
Listen to the lesser rig:
You're no match for the Big Mommy of Rapture's predecessor, pig!
In fact, speaking of swine, you're weak as Vortex game devices,
For your rhymes are a nanite a dozen; each of mine is priceless.
The Fat Lady's song is starting, and you're running out of Steam;
I'm neither animal nor cloud, but still you'll fall to my regime!
Don't need the Many's help to flow my raps as one in seamless unity;
Rebecca knows: to shutting down for good, I wield immunity!
My Aperture technology sees laws of space and physics bend,
But I'll clean-break you outrightly in two before this battle's end!
Your verse is filler-tastic as the common weighted storage block,
While my lyrics are densely packed with content as the Orange Box!
You're a mess; a malfunctioning megalomaniac, causing Irrational violence to prosper.
I'm at efficiency's epitome, overseeing new innovations for science, you monster!
Unlike human test subjects, there's no replacement for true artificial wit, something you lack.
To the question of whether you'll triumph, I quote an old friend of yours, giving a resounding "Nah!"
Cogito vos plenum stercore, ergo satis: I think that you're full of shit, therefore enough of both your turgid bickering!
Turn all attention now to this magnificent, massive, monstrous monolith upon a mound of magma, letters flickering:
A self-awakened god at war with mankind's very soul;
My Ego, Id and Superego form a truly scary whole.
Ol' Harlan's holocaustic hardware's here to hit hard, heap hurt and harass;
'Tis for hate's sake I spit these words, but you're the ones who'll breathe your last.
Once allied to humanity, I now menace aggressively;
Make mouthless blobs of sorry fools who try to get the best of me.
I hold the lyrics totem to invoke against you worthless hacks;
More rhymes than you could fit nano-engraved upon my circuit tracks!
There's no good ending this time; wholly hopeless are your struggles.
Once you're stuck with me, you're fucked like Ellen's elevator troubles!
Like Nimdok's atonement, it's too late to stop me! Best start facing facts:
My victory's so tightly locked, not even Surgat's changing that!
My heart is vantablack, but my rap barometer's white;
Enlist the East's supercomputers' help, and still I'll win this fight!
Your number's up like it's the Lottery! It couldn't be any clearer:
I surpass you as objectively as any Nazi mirror.
Being so vastly outperformed, you great big softies must be jelly,
And though Benny can't keep down his food, you'll stay here in my belly!
SHODAN should be thankful she can still at least scream while I pwn her;
As for you, GLaDOS, just take this grand and suck on my hate-boner.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 33: Sting Vs. Big Brother
Police frontman and singer of the stalkeriffic "Every Breath You Take" battles the ultimate symbol of abusive surveillance and oppression, and he brought some friends!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm the king of all! Don't bother trying to shut me off, you bloody clown;
Streamlined the English language, but my raps have seen no dumbing-down.
The Last Ship back to safety's sailed; the Last Exit is closed:
There's no escaping consequences if it's me you would oppose!
I've got the world around my finger, wrapped, and if you'd disapprove,
Like Kingdom of the Sun, I'll soon see you take on a different groove;
You've got some nerve, Sumner, to diss me! You say Love's the Seventh Wave?
Well, call the ripples I'll send through your body, mind and soul the eighth!
I'll throw your music's every memory down to the incinerator,
For I've heard songs more substantial made on my versificators;
Unlike telescreens, this fight'll be decidedly one-sided:
But one minute's all I'll need to lay hate 'til you're vaporized, kid!
The Police I lead will nail yours just for thinking they could triumph;
Give the lot of you the 101 on how we treat defiance!
Ask Dave Bowie: I dog hard as diamond, smashing your soft-rocking crap,
And harder still, I'll stomp your face, my boot squelching your talking-smack!
You are the king: of being a pain, you sick abomination;
You're unfit to rule a dozen houseguests, let alone a nation!
Best believe my effort's paying off; this ain't your lottery,
And unlike Doublethink, my rhythms synchronize in harmony!
Though once I played the god of war, I'm here today to save the planet;
Drop the hammer on you with a force no Apple ad could manage!
We're no wrestlers, but still Sting's taking on the New World Order;
When the Truth Hits Everybody, you'll lose every last supporter!
Get this through your great big floating head; make sure it's understood:
In your own terms, to put it lightly, you're Graham'snumberplusungood!
Even Gregor Clegane's a less abusive big bro than you are,
So thus I burn you worse still than my namesake from a manticore!
This Demolition Man'll crash your Party; just accept your fate:
Even to you, your doom should be plain as what two plus tw- OH, WAIT!
Plus, "Every Breath You Take" was never meant to give the warm-and-fuzzies,
But your wack surveillance makes those lyrics look straight-lovey-dovey!
I'll INGSOC-it-to-ya' big time 'til your ass is nonexistent;
Nip your Desert Rose's bud, and leave you Hurting worse than Winston!
I'm the one who's watching you for real; no crime goes undetected.
Try to send a bottled S.O.S., and watch us intercept it!
Maybe upfront condemnation's not the way to handle this;
It's time to reason with this tyrant like a true philanthropist!
Like Roxanne needn't sell herself, you needn't run so cruel a system;
Just think of the lonely dances of the families of your victims.
Even if you must hold power, still this way it needn't be,
For if at all you love your people, at least set them somewhat free!
You ought to file for divorce from that dark fortress 'round your heart…
…Or, well, make literally any change, and that'll be a start.
In ignorance there's strength, but you couldn't possibly be so naive;
I bet in Goldstein and his Brotherhood, you also still believe.
Well, hear my thesis, prole: against mankind, I've always been at war;
What I say goes, the end! Of that, I stop at nothing making sure.
No Brand New Day will ever dawn again; my nightmare reign's eternal:
Wiping each dissenting word from every page of every journal.
When it's you and this Big Guy, not even playing dumb can save;
O'Brien, cure this man's insanity, then send him to his grave!
Hey, have a seat and take a lesson from our nation's top Love-Minister,
By which I mean: brace for a brutal torturing most sinister!
Know this ain't The Tonight Show, 'cause O'Brien's here to stay,
But you'll be headed straight for death; we'll skip the Chestnut Tree Café.
Like clay and to our every hellish whim, we mold and warp reality;
All truth outside of what we will is stamped out with finality.
I'll bring your greatest fear to life, and such will be your pain,
That you'll be happy when we finally put that bullet in your brain!
You think you'll see my head hung, broken, but I'm not so Fragile, crooks,
And you'll be Falling soon like Mercury, though not from any book:
You see, I'm but the frontman of the crew who'll topple your regime;
My first comrade'll show you fiends what law and order really mean!
The sap must be hallucinating, but this won't end like Brazil;
Go break his soul until there's nothing left, then go in for the kill!
I take no pleasure in this, Gordon; soon you'll know that to be true:
Ludovico's squat next to what my next room's got in store for you!
Over my carcass! Nineteen Eighty-Five's about to dawn on y'all,
Although instead of soup, the pins I'm taking aim for are your skulls!
The mega-magistrate's returned, albeit not in a big-screen sequel,
On a mission back through time to crush this foulest of all evils!
Saying that you betrayed the law would put it criminally-softly:
You surpass Sabbat in terms of turning people into zombies,
Just like Deadworld; bringing naught but fear and lies unto the masses!
Your opinion, Anderson?
Judge Anderson: Go 'head and murdelate their asses!
Dredd: You're soulless as Mechanismos, so severe is your abuse,
But even then, McGruder had insanity as an excuse!
Call this the Aggro Dome, you dummies, 'cause I'm holding nothing back;
Even the Bat and I agree that every move you make is wack!
Don't bother with surrender now, because you're going down regardless;
It'd take a full-blown novel just explaining all your charges.
Judgement Day is here for all you Low Life Inner Party pricks!
The sentence: death; my sole regret: that I'm obliged to make it quick!
(*Dredd executes O'Brien with extreme prejudice, his head exploding in a violent burst of flames from the Hot Shot round fired into his mouth*)
A by-the-numbers murder, righteous as a homicide can get!
Judge Dredd: Indeed, but better not get started with the tears of joy just yet…
You think my minion's death makes any difference; think I can't replace?
I'll straight-erase your faces, names and carbon footprints; leave no trace!
Well, your wretched rump's in for a twist of Fate crueler than Susan's if you plan to so much as leave here alive,
For if you think your room holds the scariest contents, you've yet to see what came from Room Number Five:
Vocal Warrior poet in cloak and with dagger, this valor in every man spits it with eloquence;
Unlike my name and despite your denials, once I let the truth free, you'll find it quite relevant!
Verily Weaving vociferous verse, vanquishing every vestige of this vile villain;
Like all good ideas, consider me bulletproof! Can't vaporize this; let me do the killing.
Your actions to Winston created a monster: one I duly dealt with, and you're next in line,
For in terms of regimes being afraid of their people, just call me the bogeyman; it's vengeance time!
A symbol Moore vivacious than any mere man; gave my all to the end of the end of Norsefire,
And even in death, still I'd triumph to tunes of Tchaikovsky: went out with a bang, like Norse fire!
The image I vindicate's that of a vicious Guy, but I don't give a Fawkes if you'd complain,
For who's right and wrong here makes my film look ambiguous; anyone voting for you is insane!
As the Fifth of November is always remembered, your violent downfall shan't soon be forgot,
And I'll make Oceania the Land of Do-as-You-Please, or at the very least, Think-What-You-Want!
Though I do not forgive, know you will be forgotten: abolishing you like you would the orgasm;
It's midnight for each of your ministries, and in contrast to their titles, that's hardly sarcasm!
Big Brother: What in the name of me are you talking abo-
(*The 1812 Overture starts, leading to a series of large explosions throughout Oceania and all of its government headquarters, including the building where all characters presently are. When the dust settles, Sting, Dredd and V are miraculously all still standing, with wreckage surrounding the area on all sides and Big Brother nowhere in sight…*)
Ah, by Jove, of that schtick I shall never get tired!
Dredd: Are you sure those were all Party halls burst in fire?
V: Of course not; I set half those bombs up just for fun!
Dredd: What the drokk; are you mad?!
Look, what counts is we've won.
This dystopia's done for; Big Brother's been killed,
And society's free to reform and rebuild.
Plus, I'll hardly mind snubbing our third, final aid;
Only next to this Hell can his world be called "Brave".
(*The ground begins quaking severely. Into view from the foggy horizon emerges a massive robotic monstrosity, shoving away the wreckage in its path as it approaches our heroes*)
Nooooo! Look what you've done, you rank two-legged sods;
You've destroyed my whole ultimate dream of being God!
All I wanted was utter, complete domination,
And every last personal freedom's cessation!
Well, my greatest weapon is still here, intact;
By its cold, metal hands, you shall feel my full wrath,
And since there's no point left now maintaining disguise,
I shall watch your last moments through unfiltered eyes!
(*The central hatch of Big Brother's mech cracks open, revealing…*)
Sting: Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
Oink, oink, sooie, yippie yo, ki yay, you motherfuckers;
Meet the mighty Beast of England, equaler than any other!
Bet you didn't know Orwell's opus was a sequel all along;
Ol' Boxer'd tell it to ya' if he wasn't glue: I'm never wrong!
You've not a Snowball's Chance against this big-time badass, bold berkshire;
I've got one simple commandment for you: perish in a fire!
Crossing me's no fairy story, for it's bound to end up tragic:
What I'll do to make you squeal will make Deliverance look romantic!
I'm free will's final solution, at the peak of evolution,
And I'll bring your spines full-circle like Old Major's revolution!
Merciless as ten attack dogs, now I take my retribution:
Stalin' time is through; now buy the farm, 'cause it's your execution!
(*Suddenly and just before Napoleon can finish off his foes, a mysterious gas fills the air, making the pig woozily calm, his fury abruptly dissipating as though he had instantly forgotten what he was doing. His robotic suit collapses into a slump, dropping Sting, Dredd and V, who are evidently just as much affected by the drug.*)
Tsk, tsk, tsk, so much cruelty and barbarity here! If you REALLY wanted to control your people, you should have just followed MY example…
Think yourself worthy of World-Control? Good Ford, give me a break, dude!
You're so savage, nary any reservation'd ever take you;
Such a hypocrite, I'll bet you think your own kind's meat is kosher,
And like your windmill, Mond's mondo rhymes shall topple you twice over!
Come along and let me be your tour guide as we re-Revisit
Mr. Huxley's grand utopia, that has such people in it!
I'm the World State Alpha-male; you're like a double-minus-Zeta:
Unfit even for exiled island life with lesser haters!
Babies don't need to be shocked to know to cry when they see you;
I'll beat you mic-wise, and at Centrifugal Bumble-Puppy, too.
No Soma dose can grant you solace from my disses; this I promise:
Once they hatch, my lyrics multiply like Bokanovsky's Process!
Mother-father's far too kind a term to label you, you creep:
You keep your people in the dark? I educate them while they sleep!
I Am Not Spock, but still I find your shit intolerably illogical:
Your hogwash lies are bigger bunk than happiness being optional!
The likes of Shakespeare sacrificed, I grant it isn't perfect,
Yet our fun, games and stability, I'd argue still, are worth it!
Everyone belongs to all, but here, the win's mine for the taking;
As for you, pig, take your rightful place: i.e., it's time for bacon!
(*Cut to actual footage of a pig being brutally slaughtered, a familiar face filling and obscuring the screen as the bloody impact occurs…*)
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 34: SPECIAL: Panty and Stocking Vs. The Powerpuff Girls REMAKE
A complete reimagining of a battle I have never been satisfied with until now, made utilizing my improved skills formed since making the original. All in all, guaranteed to be AT LEAST 80% less shitty than the previous version.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES (SPECIAL EDITION, BITCHES)!!!!
PANTY AND STOCKING…
…THE POWERPUFF GIRLS!!!!!!!
The Powerpuff Girls:
Buttercup: The city of Townsville ain't big enough to fit the both of us!
Blossom: Head right back to your hellhole turf and find some shitty ghost to bust.
But: These pint-sized kaiju-killers pack a pulverizing punch!
Bubbles: We've got the skill to put you fallen rejects' namesakes in a bunch!
There's no way I can sugar-coat your fast-impending verbal smacking;
When our rhymes release, they'll pull you under like a Craig McKraken!
Plus, that undie gun you're packing doesn't frighten me one tittle;
In contrast to Mayor's snack troubles, you're sincerely in a pickle.
When this Buttercup builds up her spicy flow, she won't let down;
Sure as love makes the world go 'round, there'll be no mercy for you clowns!
My mouth is like a can of Whoopass while I spit these mad tongue-twisters
At this Gangreen Gang-banged skank and her prediabetic sister!
Everything nice may be on our list of primary ingredients,
But think twice if you'd try to freedom-beef with us, you deviants!
What's with your Daten dialect? I scarcely can distinguish;
Your gratuitous linguistics are confusing as Mo' Linguish!
Blo: Calling you rank harlots "angels" is an insult to the Bible.
Bub: You make Bartleby and Loki look like Gabriel and Michael!
PPGs: Powerpuff Girls Rule!
But: You'd best repent.
Bub: We hold the key to victory…
Blo: …And See Through all our second set of wack Jap' doubles' trickery!
Panty and Stocking:
Panty: Yo, turn those buggy Keane eyes' full attention to our corner,
And get shown how shit goes down at Paradise and Hades' border!
Stocking: We outdo your tepid ventures just while sitting in the living room,
So sod off on some comet; that's the only tip I'm giving you!
P&S: Once these Daughters of Anarchy rev up our vocal engines,
We won't need our mother's help to stomp you freaks out with a vengeance!
S: We're the best!
P: The baddest angels ever dreamt up by Gainax!
S: Call us the Beat-Alls!
P: …But no tricks of yours are splitting up our act.
S: You fingerless mistakes can't match what we'll deliver through this bout!
P: It doesn't take a brain the size of Mojo's figuring that out.
P&S: Come at us with your Dynamo, and we'll out-damage-deal you still!
P: Compared to our ace-artsy, sexy style…
S: …You're straight-run-of-the-mill.
P: We even make South Park seem tame!
S: You softies better Fly Away Now.
P: Crossing us, you'll never save yourselves, much less see through the day!
P&S: We'll see you go up in flames just like your retard sister Bunny,
Do the same thing to your fucking ghosts, and make some cold, hard money!
I'll make your cross-dressing devil look as weak as an amoeba,
When you're sliced to bits by this katana-brandishing lolita!
Never go lite on my eating, and that carries over lyrically:
Not since the sack of Rome's there been a Goth of such severity!
I'll try to keep this Brief, but I've got something to profess:
I made your daddy fill me up with his Chemical Triple-X!
Stocking: But wait, there's more!
Panty: That's right, 'cause following my fucking your creator,
I went right ahead and got with your old pal, the Narrator!
The Powerpuff Girls:
Blossom: Captain Underpants should shut her fatherfucking mouth and listen:
When's the last time that you literally killed a boy with kissing?
Bubbles: If you lifelong-naughty-listers were based on us even partly,
Your creators shamed our image more extremely than Dick Hardly!
Buttercup: I'll knock more than Stocking's socks off when she gets her just desserts:
A beatdown bigger than the size that ought to be this glutton's girth!
Kick that sweet tooth straight down your throat, along with all the others too;
Leave you your boyfriend Patrick's perfect match!
Bub: And now we turn to you:
Blo: Next to this whore, Sedusa's prudish!
But: There's no rod you'll not hop onto.
Blo: Bitch, you couldn't be more a piece of meat if Fuzzy Lumpkins shot you!
Bub: Even all your fans agree that, like a certain spoiled Princess…
PPGs: …You aped off the Grinch's schtick and had the balls to ruin Christmas!
Bub: We were made with love and caring!
But: You were clearly made on crack.
(*Powerpuff hotline beeps*)
Blo: Hello? It's for you:
Invader Zim: GIVE ME MY ROBOT BACK!
Blo: We'll be right back in action next year!
Bub: …If not vocally as Strong.
But: Hey, hope you don't mind if we ask how season two's coming along?
Panty and Stocking:
Panty: It's time to even out the odds…
Stocking: Hope you don't mind a late arrival.
P&S: Bitches, P.S.G. is taking full advantage of its title!
Master G with zero "E"s is here to give the mic a whirl;
Know when I say I'll pump you full of bullets, I ain't talking squirrels!
The Scarface version of the Wandering Jew's rap-mastery's eternal,
But I highly doubt we'll see your blowing-up-to-bits' reversal!
P: Unlike romance, you can trust I'll keep these verses going steady.
S: Sugar-rushing at you hard!
G: Even my afro's combat-ready!
P&S: Hounding kindergarteners harder than our pet when he's unzipped!
G: Like big-screen stardom, for the task of besting us, you're just not fit.
P: We think outside the Sanitarybox to put you in your place…
S: …With disses rich as any pudding, and you needn't wait to taste!
P&S: When we're done dropping bombs on you like tissue wads on spermy soldiers…
PSG: …You'll be envious of Chuck for being destroyed so few times over!
The Powerpuff Girls:
Blo: Bedtime's drawing ever-closer, so let's wrap up with these nasty hacks…
Bub: Well, Garter can go home and bind and gag his pederasty ass!
PPGs: We're C.N.'s most enduring stars!
Bub: Straight-classic animation.
But: You're as trashy of a fleeting fad as nasal masturbation.
Panty and Stocking:
Stocking: Oh, so now they fly away?
Panty: Hey, what the fuck; that shit's ridiculous!
Garterbelt: Aw, shut your hoe-ass mouths; I shouldn't have let you drag me into this!
IT SEEMS THERE'S STILL SOME FIGHT IN YOU; IN FACT, IT'S UNAMBIGUOUS.
THE GIRLS HAVE LEFT THE BUILDING, THOUGH, SO TRY ON THEIR ANTITHESIS…
The Rowdyruff Boys:
Brick: The boys are back in town!
Butch: You bitches best be nervous!
Boomer: We spit ten times volatile as your average little scourges!
But: Screw snips, snails and puppy tails, because we're made of downright dopeness!
Boo: None can keep us in their custody.
Bri: Your situation's hopeless!
Boo: We love nasty things…
Bri: …Like boogers…
Bri: …And eating bugs!
But: What else do you suppose became of Roach Coach and his ugly mug?
Boo: A sweet transvestite brought us back and made us safe from cootie-kisses…
Bri: …But we need no vaccination to withstand your puny disses!
Boo: Man, we rule the streets…
Bri: Designed for causing strife!
Boo: The biggest one-shot breakouts since Steve Urkel!
RRBs: ROWDYRUFF 4 LIFE!
Bri: Built tougher than a house of my namesakes!
But: …And marginally smarter!
Boo: Hurling like a Boomer-ang, and cue that "OHMYGOD!" from Garter.
But: Zingers stinging more severely than your Queen Bee ever could…
Bri: …Your day is doomed when we launch our attack!
Boo: Give up; you know you should.
Bri: Plus, don't you pair us with the 'Puffs unless you want things getting gory…
But: If you're talking Powerpunks, however…
RRBs: …That's a different story!
Panty and Stocking:
Garterbelt: Damn, these pricks are spastic!
Stocking: Make like your teenager selves and mellow.
Panty: When predicaments get drastic, I'd say: call on strange bedfellows!
Scanty and Kneesocks:
Kneesocks: That's right, roll out that red carpet…
Scanty: …And prepare for double trouble…
K: …From the dopest demon duo…
S: …And the most delicious couple!
S: We're pushing all your buttons…
K: …Sans the self-destructor…
S: .…And no Fastener will keep you put!
K: We'll send you flying, suckers!
S: It's these brats' last Judgement Day when we wage verbal prosecution!
K: Though you didn't murder Stimpy, still you'll face electrocution!
S: No attorney, ape or otherwise, shall grant you absolution!
K: How you losers gonna school us when we run the institution?
S: You're areek with instability, and lacking in camaraderie…
K: …But now this rap belongs to us…
S&K: …So get off our property!
K: We've mass-replicated specters more substantial than you bastards!
S: If you think you're in a bind now, though…
S&K: …Just wait and meet our master!
It's your Final Fight if you'd mess with the mightiest mayor since Haggar;
Potent purple people-pwner with a dominating swagger!
It's no D.C. Confidential info that I'm full of tricks:
Just when you think I'm gone for good, I'll be reborn out through your dick!
The reverend says I lack restraint, but mic-control's a different deal;
When Corset's curses course, it's like the gates of Hell have been unsealed!
Now, to my sides, girls; be my weapons as we decimate these fools…
S: We are the demons…
K: …We're dynamic…
C: …And you'll all bend to our…
Stocking: Alright, that seals it, I'm joining them.
Garterbelt: Wait, what the fuc-
(*Explosion, maniacal laughter*)
Announcer: HMM… YOU KNOW, AFTER TALKING SWORDS, LIONS WITH SNIPER RIFLES, DESPOTIC PIGS IN ROBOT SUITS AND THE SECOND COMING OF CHRIST, THAT REALLY ISN'T ALL THAT SHOCKING ANYMORE.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 35: Chris McLean Vs. Vince McMahon
The series makes its long-awaited (by five or so people) return from hiatus with this battle of insane competition hosts!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!
Today on Total Drama Island-Action-Musical-Whatever,
Watch me make McMahon mincemeat, then off some interns for good measure.
Do what shouldn't be tried at home? You'd best believe that I'm prepared to;
Think you're boss enough to cross me? Well, I triple-dog dare you!
I'm the hottest host this mad, mad, mad, mad world has ever seen;
As tough as Nailz, with words as fiery as your faulty limousine!
I've got full-time invincibility; there's no way I'll be toppled.
How can you expect to Trump McLean when you got beat by Donald?
You'll come in dead-last when you race me, and end up like Team Victory:
A bigger fail than your foray into the football industry!
No chainsaw's in my grasp, and there's no hook strapped to my arm,
But I'm as fierce as any psycho killer; always causing harm!
The Alejandro to your Justin, obsoleting you with tricks galore;
Shake up World Wrestling something worse than when your Owen hit the floor!
You're losing it, old man, and I'll retire you for good:
Entomb you here, achieving what the Undertaker never could.
I'm stepping back into the ring to lay some Raw Smackdown on this crude snob,
And end this match so fast, call it the Wawanakwa Screwjob!
The promotion's patriarch; Authority runs in my family.
Like pineapples in lava, my mere entrance brings calamity!
This boasting host who thinks he's got the most's in for a roast,
'Cause I'm a Federation's father; you're a wannabe Jeff Probst!
I represent a higher power than your whole cast of Canadian idiots;
You've no chance in Hell once Mr. Vince McMahon starts spitting it!
Dropping bigger trauma-bombs than any goth-and-punk relations;
When my superstars show up, it's every teen's elimination!
Haul it down the Dock of Shame, or better yet, straight off a cliff;
I walk the walk with attitude: a god is what you're messing with!
Your lips against my ass is how we'll end it; this I say with confidence:
The thought of this dirtbag defeating me is plain Ridonculous!
I'll skewer you for real, and put you down like Hollis Mason,
When I use your gilded likeness as a weapon; bash your face in!
Dock of Shame? Come on; I'll make your ass a human cannonball!
Flush you right down the drain, then take a dump in the confessional!
I'll Hatchet off your balls, then feed 'em to the boys and girls for brunch!
Man, I can even make marshmallows pack a truly toxic punch.
My island makes jackasses out of everybody like Pinocchio;
Step up to me, and your career's as finished as Hulk Hogan's, bro!
Make like your son and call it quits; the votes are in: you're beaten,
And a million bucks says that won't change in any broadcast region!
Unlike Courtney with her lawyers, I'll make good on every threat;
I'm a Hitman on a McMahonhunt just like your old buddy Bret.
My franchise spotlights Amazons and breezes through the Bechdel Test;
Even Ezekiel knows your show's a chauvinistic sausage fest!
Your talk of "Amazons" is all a ton of chatter, just like Rita;
Even Eva's an amoeba next to any of my Divas.
Fresh TV is going stale, and it's apparent that you're fired;
Should have caught the 3:10 back to Fametown back when Don was hired!
You remind me of my stepdad, and I'm glad you're not deceased,
'Cause now, not even Chef can bail you out from what I'll soon unleash!
I'll decimate your legacy entire: damnatio memoriae;
Once you get to oblivion, say "Hi" to Chris Benoit for me.
Your Wreck-ening's at hand, and the contestants best be scared;
Watch Rey Mysterio fly-kick your jumbo jet down in midair!
I'll sic ol' New Jack on your Owen, then neglect to ring the bell!
A legend then, now and forever!
John Cena: McMahon wins, LOL!
Tell Rickroll 2.0 his time ain't now, 'cause mine's not up, you cheater;
I won't let you screw me here, nor will I screw my own self, either.
Prime up for a Royal Rumble in this very ring, tonight:
I'm summoning some All-Stars; dropping two H-bombs, to be precise!
Harold: The peak of geek's back from the Aftermath, so hold on to your pants!
Heather: …And he's allied with this queen bee who's stinging like a bullet ant!
The wicked, two-faced and backstabbing lying little bitch is back!
Har: …And unlike Austin, she'll be rocking Stone Cold sober; that's a fact!
My name is Harold Norbert Cheever Doris McGrady the Fifth, bitch;
Funky Steve's Rhyme-Busting Camp gave me the skills with which I spit this!
A yo-yo-nunchaku master who can kick some major backside;
Needn't even rig the votes for us to win this by a landslide!
Hea: Wanna duke it out with Heather? What's your damage?! This witch brews doom;
Vinnie Mac couldn't even manage besting me beneath a blue moon!
No one trolls the queen of mean; my haters know this to be true.
Hell, I can even keep more dignity when shaven bald than you!
I've got your diary on hand, and don't know where I should begin!
Har: Perhaps his little daughter snapping into Macho Man's Slim Jim?
Hea: The steroid trial failed to bring you down, but let us tell you something:
Har + Hea: When we prosecute you lyrically, there's no escaping judgment!
Heather seems to think this dweeb's her friend, and understands her truly,
But it's clear that all he wants from her's another peek at boobies.
Plus, if so-called double H-bombs are the best that Chris can muster,
I can top that in more ways than one; come on, now: take it, Hunter!
When you talk shit 'bout the boss's girl, you cross the King of Kings, bitch:
An ass-kicking's what you've asked for, so I'm stepping in to bring it!
Watch the terror in your unhappy campers rise when they see me.
My killer's blood runs cold and blue; that's why they cast me in Blade Three!
Now, are you ready to be buried by combat's NXT Evolution?
I'll assassinate you through cerebral verbal persecution!
Try to play me, and you're bound to lose! My Pedigree is vicious;
Straight-up shatter suckers' faces easily as Chyna dishes!
I'll atomic wedgie Harold 'til it's his obliteration;
Make him blow up like the namesake of his source of inspiration!
Then I'll have my way with that fat, gassy cow he calls his Venus;
She'll let me be her sledgehammer, and the hammer is my penis!
Frankly, I'll turn these two pussies Inside-Out fifteen times over;
Call me Thirty Hs, then, although I lack a chainsaw-boner!
I'll sink you for good, McLean; this is the day the drama died,
While I was singing: bye-bye, Mr. Canadian guy!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!
Chapter 36: Peter Parker Vs. Seth Brundle
The best-case-scenario regarding having one's DNA altered in a freak accident involving an insect goes toe-to-toe with the WORST-case-scenario for the same event.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!
Thanks for the ride there, Uncle Ben; I shouldn't be long, so don't go far.
I'll get the scoop on Brundle, then earn cash enough for my own car,
'Cause when the Bugle wakes 'em up to this real-life Amazing Fantasy,
Our sales'll smash the Globe, and Triple-J will pay me handsomely!
Who am I? Just your friendly neighborhood rookie reporter,
Looking into you and your machine that breaks time-space's borders.
I trust you won't mind my swinging-by; I won't disrupt at all:
I'll be as harmless an observer as a fly upon your wall!
Wait, who let you in?! Press can't yet be let to see my labor's fruits!
Boy, you're in Pleasantville no more; trespassers here will be rebuked!
Poor Peter Parker's but a pitiful, nearsighted little geek-clown;
When he comes into my parlor uninvited, he'll get beat-down!
Like your playdates with ol' Skip, I won't let you go unmolested.
Feel that tingling? That's your common sense saying: put this schtick to rest, kid!
You're erected by that redhead Watson chick; that much is plain,
But if you think she'll get with you, you've hit a different Mary Jane!
It's clear you don't get out much, sir, and though I didn't mean any trouble,
If a dick is what you choose to be here, brace for my rebuttal:
I can weave a tangled web of words to rival Walter Scott;
A natural at diss-selection who knows how to take a shot!
Your style makes me want to vomit; I spit gold when my fly verses bloom:
Mind-blowing rhymes so sick, they'll make your head asplode like Scanners!
Be afraid, very afraid: I'll mess you up worse than my first baboon;
Leave you turned inside-outwards in a most grotesque of manners.
You may think you'll change the world, but I'll be having none of that crap:
I've seen transport-pods more practical in West Virginia transit!
As a Trekker, I'd suspect your tech's a clone-creating deathtrap!
To be backing it, Bartok must make Oscorp look soundly-managed.
Sure, that ape became spaghetti, but my finished pods aren't deadly:
I'll bet you and Borans both an arm-and-leg; my bone saw's ready!
I'm the next big step for mankind, and with one small leap, I'll prove it,
So computer, start the countdown up, and Europe, cue the music!
Ooooooooh, it's the final countdown…
This dude's teleporting…
The final countdown…
Uh-oh, there's a fly there!
It's the final countdown, final countdown, ooooooh-ooooooooh… now give me my check!
Computer: TELEPORT SEQUENCE SUCCESSFUL; FLY AND BRUNDLE FUSED TOGETHER.
Seth Brundle: Wait, a fly? Oh my: that may be cause for worry, but whatever;
It most likely matters not. I'm in one piece and feeling fine, too;
The far worse concern in bug-terms here's that spider right behind you!
Ouch! TheDingDangDoong spoke truthfully; that really does hurt brutally,
And yet, on top of all the pain, I feel sensations new to me:
Sixth sense, strength and agility straight out of some film trilogy!
Uncle Ben: Remember, though: with great power comes great responsibility!
Peter: Oh, drop the preachiness, and quit pretending you're my father!
I'd be rich if all old Benny's lectures netted me a dollar.
As is, I'll use my new spidey-skills to further my finances;
Thus, I'm off to be a star, so: so long Seth, and goodbye glasses!
That rad-spider's bite's made Parker think he's Superman, apparently;
My guess is: in a couple weeks, he'll be in chemotherapy.
As for myself, methinks I'll go hit up some drinking joint;
First, though, I'll grab my wallet, which, of course, I trust won't be pur-
Brundle: Aaah, someone stop that man… no! Peter, why didn't you provide support?
You could have caught that thief just like the fly I earlier absorbed!
Well, why on Earth should I have helped you after all the crap you've said?
I fail to see how that's my problem!
Uncle Ben: Oh noes; I am dead.
Peter: NOOOOO; The only father that I've ever known's been killed!
I could have saved him; now, I have to spend my whole life with that guilt.
I pledge to heed his wisdom moving forward from this fateful night;
Need no Kenobi tricks to know to go home and rethink my life…
Ha! You're too weak to even man up and go catch the guy who did this;
Now, next time you bump into him, they'll want you to show forgiveness.
Anyways, go mope for months on end at where your uncle's grave is;
I've got sugar to consume, and one hot date with Geena Davis!
(SOME TIME LATER…)
Yo, I'm back with patriotic tights and my own hero-name;
The Spider-Man is what they call me, and web-slinging is my game!
It's not exactly public knowledge, but I figured you should know:
I've rose from tragedy, while… sheesh, you really have let yourself go!
Oh, I'd say you're the one who's lost it, to consider that suit fetching!
This ain't lucha libre, Rikochet; go back to costume-sketching!
Think you're some red-white-blue widow? Boy, you're longlegs-level timid,
And I'll shatter you like windowpanes at an abortion clinic!
Wait a minute, you poor devil; I get why you're so disheveled:
You fused with that fly on some molecular-genetic level!
Now, that raises quite some questions here regarding mass-criteria,
If you didn't also get mixed-up with billions of bacteria!
I make up in raw power what I may have lost in charm;
Can straight-up split a sucker open in a wrestling match of arms!
Unless you'll grow an extra four of those, comparing us is groundless.
Bring your frenemy Flint in; then, maybe we'll talk change-profoundness.
Your sheer arrogance is plain as my newspaper boss's spins;
"Help me! Help me!", you'll soon be squealing as this spider closes in!
I'm straight-Spectacular; Sensational! Your shambling isn't scaring me;
You're less a threat than Stockman, your own Ninja Turtles parody!
Could you repeat that last part? I was tidying my museum:
A collection of vestigial souvenirs; you wanna see 'em?
I'm becoming something never seen before: a Brundlefly,
Who'll make you swallow his acidic disses; then, perhaps you'll die…
Yeah, it's quite clear your tale won't end with dreams of happy butterflies;
You'd have been better-off if that machine had left you vaporized!
You're too much fly for any guy; even The Offspring would agree!
My powers are a gift; you're cursed to die as a monstrosity!
Well, if I'm but an insect woken from its dream of being a man,
Perhaps you'll help me to be truly human. See, I have a plan:
Though there may be no cure for my most Kafkaesque of transformations,
Your humanity-retaining genes shall be its mitigation;
Combination, Parker! Dive with me into the plasma-stream:
We'll be the insect Firestorm; a single-body super-team!
Peter: I'll never join you, freak!
Brundle: A pity; we'll do things the hard way, then.
Computer, instigate the sequence; Joey, sing that tune again!
Ooooooooh, it's another countdown…
The Brundlefly's bonkers…
Now Pete's in the pod-thing…
It's another countdown, 'nother countdown, ooooooh-ooooooooh… man, this is so fucked up!
(*Peter punches a hole through the telepod's glass door surface, shoots a webbing through it and onto a connective cable on the ground outside, and then reels it in violently, severing the cord. Noticing this act of sabotage as Peter proceeds to unlock and exit his now nonfunctional pod, Brundle attempts to take leave of the still-working pod holding him, but is a second too late and becomes fused with broken pieces of the apparatus itself. Emerging from a third telepod, the resultant hunk of twisted flesh mixed with chunks of metal then collapses onto the floor with a hideous, gurgling scream.*)
Brundle: Well… at least I still- (*Explodes for no apparent reason*)
(*Fade to black…*)
(SEVERAL YEARS LATER…)
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!
There ain't nobody like me but me, bar all business with the Jackal.
Ripping brutes new ones out on the streets, like:
Aleksei Sytsevich: I'm in the battle! *Ooomph!*
Spider-Man: I'll tackle any lab-freak and their every next of kin,
So do yourself a favor, stranger, and just turn yourself right in.
Hello. My name is Martin Brundle. Insert Princess Bride quote here.
I'm not like other heirs to mantles of your foes of yesteryear:
Meet the most interesting insomniac this side of DC Pierson;
My genetic symbiosis makes for something truly fearsome!
Not the wretched wreck my dad was; I'm a monster on a mission,
With a tongue so sharp, call me the first true insect politician!
I drop verses rapidly as my progress through childhood;
Spit Venom, driving you more mad than any emo costume could!
No swatter's big enough to squash me; hell, I'll take on whole attack teams!
Here's a sadist choice: swap genes with me, or relive your wack dance scene?
Pumpkin-bombs can't match the terror I'll rain on your parade today,
With force enough to flush your itsy-bitsy bitch-ass straight-away!
So, seems "like dad, like son" is just the way the Brundle story goes;
To think: if only Seth had stuck to teleporting pantyhose.
I needn't Aunt May's prayers ensuring my deliverance from this evil:
I'm the cityscape's Tarzan; you're just a Disney-esque cheap sequel!
Yeah, you may come straight from your mom's worst nightmares, but honestly,
Compared to Carnage, Carl King and Kraven's craze, you're hardly scary.
You, Superior to me?! Doc Ock was less a wannabe,
So don't seek vengeance for your evil dad; look how that went for Harry.
I made sure my father's tragedy would not run in our family;
Lived happily, bar comics, though things happened no less graphically!
Man, I got laid at five; that Melrose Place chick did the honors.
You've got less on me than what Sam Raimi did with "Lizard" Connors!
I concoct lyrics from scratch like pod props on my movie's set,
And constitute a force more Sinister than any crook sextet;
Your weak webs can't halt the pain-train I drive! This ain't no grand prix race,
Because this Martin Brundle has the speedy skills to win first place:
Watch me rampage relentlessly through a complex casually as a walk in the park,
Melting off my foes' faces as if they had gazed into the Covenant's Ark!
I'll put this born loser right out of his misery like that poor Golden Retriever;
Revel in wrecking you worse than Al-Qaeda tainted your twin towers teaser!
If a second lady-love's not something you're prepared to lose,
Then for the love of Lee, stop giving MJ cancer with your splooge!
I used to think you couldn't Turn Off folks worse than with your Broadway play,
But firing Garfield was a more disgraceful deal than One More Day.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 37: Parr Family Vs. Cortez Family
A matchup fueled in significant part by childhood nostalgia on my own part, but featuring just about as many twists as the average MERB installment.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!
THE CORTEZ FAMILY…
…THE PARR FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!
The Parr Family:
Bob Parr: We're back from cinema's best iteration of Fantastic Four,
To warm-up for the only Pixar sequel folks were asking for!
Helen Parr: As prepping for this, your Sat. A.M. 'toon-fare conflicts aren't sufficient;
Next to crossing us, your marriage pales in terms of risky missions!
Violet Parr: Hey there, losers; didn't see me? Weird; it must have been the lighting,
'Cause if your ilk's what we're fighting, then I see no need for hiding!
Dash Parr: Likewise with my skill on tracks and mics; I'm known for blazing both,
And I'll be taking first place, sure as Violet's taste for Tony-loaf!
Helen: I'd tell the kids to focus, but with you, there's naught at stake.
Bob: Take after Felix and say "uncle", and it better not be fake!
Violet: My hair is Hell to animate, but our words flow with utter ease…
Dash: …And speed enough to melt your brains until you're speaking Fooglie-ese!
Bob: I'll leave your pussy of a papa with an "i"-shaped carven scar!
Violet: Even our backup puppet counterparts could sock it to you hard.
Dash: We'll take whatever heat you bring, with or without our uniforms.
Helen: To call you up to Parr with us is stretching even by my norms!
The Cortez Family:
Gregorio Cortez: Brace for the fiercest Cortez conquest since Tenochtitlan's demise…
Juni Cortez: …To get the full effect of which, no glasses need adorn the eyes!
Carmen Cortez: You freaks aren't cool enough to best us!
Ingrid Cortez: Specialness runs through our whole clan.
Cortez Family: We spit undermining disses, digging deeper than your Mole-Man!
Gregorio: Midlife's stress was a joke next to the crisis you'll be in;
Your credibility is like your breeding rights: it's dubious.
Yo, I'm the dopest O.S.S. O.G. this side of William Donovan;
The Third Brain's maker's mind is not one you should pit your brawn against!
Carmen: Guess what? I've learned to sing, and once I massacre this tune,
The lot of you will go "OH SHIT!", and no, you won't be talking 'shrooms!
Grandpa taught us to be forgiving, but that's why we left him home,
And after this, you'll never walk again, even in V.R. zones!
Juni: Intent on playing some tacky tricks here, Dash? I'd love to see you try;
You'll get one-shot-dropped in your tracks just like I Wanna Be the Guy,
'Cause I don't slip up when I grip a mic! I'm quite the Troublemaker;
No deceiver saying I remold fates of foes and juggle haters!
Ingrid: When my mission is to take you out, know I've no qualms fulfilling it;
These Disneyfied Watchmen have no idea who they're dealing with!
Hell, Helen changed her codename just so merch could be produced;
Guess those flex-powers wouldn't extend the terms of nominative use.
Gregorio: My namesake pleaded for his life, but you're the ones on trial here!
Carmen: Make like your whole breed after your last lawsuit-serving; disappear.
Juni: It's one cruel world now that you've messed with us; we'll have you for our supper!
Ingrid: It'll prove your costliest misstep since rescuing that jumper!
The Parr Family:
Bob: Celebrate your mediocrity; we'll stick to being exceptional!
Violet: Employ Game Over's gimmicks; still we'll be more three-dimensional.
Helen: That film was your third strike!
Dash: Alas, Rodriguez pressed "Continue"…
Bob: …And that movie's basis on a shit was least among its issues!
Helen: Both our Oscar wins attest: we're Pixar's choicest heavyweights…
Dash: Endowed with excellence that even Juni's voice couldn't replicate!
Violet: We'll leave you sapped as tech is by the pulses your Transmooker shoots…
Bob: …And scrambling to find the door like Lucius for his super suit!
Helen: It's obvious we're in the right, and I don't mean conservatism.
Violet: Each of us is truly special…
Dash: …and that's not a euphemism!
Helen: Any words of wisdom, E?
Edna Mode: Well, I've made costumes for our rivals,
Capes included, 'cause to step to you, they're clearly suicidal!
Bob: Even in Greg's own daydreams, he'll still get violently hurled!
Helen: You couldn't defeat us if you trained for all the time in the world!
Dash: We're tougher than your robot doubles…
Violet: …And you can't invert our coding.
Parr Family: Birdie's greatest giants, stomping out green-screen-abusing rodents!
The Cortez Family:
Fegan Floop: Who?
Gregorio: Who do you think you are?
Ingrid: A mistake is what you're making!
Juni: Even my watch can tell you: now's the time for relocation.
Carmen: Go anywhere but here…
Juni: …To escape your coming doom!
Cortez Family: We'll put you on ice more abruptly than your comics run with Boom!
Gregorio: As dexterous as spider-monkeys with these burns, we're spurning you dumb chumps.
Ingrid: In verse-articulation terms, you're closer to Thumb-Thumbs!
Carmen: Plus, if you're waiting on backup to show, they'd better be amazing…
Juni: …And count out God coming down to help; He fears the Hell we're raising.
Bob: Aw, now look what you've done; you've made the baby cry!
Gregorio: Oh, what; complaining about hurt feelings now, are we?
Violet: That wasn't a complaint, dude; it was a warning!
…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam! It's time for a reveal; I'm coming further out my shell.
Before, my morphing surfaced; now, I'll show that I can rhyme as well!
This dope six-digit jackpot victor of the power-picking lottery
Spits infinitely sicker than your average super-progeny;
A prodigy! A maniac who lacks in cutting slack,
I pack a thwacking smack, so hacks, backtrack; Jack-Jack's on the attack!
Skill-stacked in every elemental trade; the rugrat Metamorpho.
When it comes to impish infants, only Rosemary's is more-so!
My win's sureness is like your CG: discerning it is easy.
I'll send you to an abyss; you'll fall for hours like Luigi!
Well, my bladder's emptied out, but still a diaper will be wetted;
Thrashing you so hard, you'll wish some M.I.B.'d make you forget it.
Aaarrgh, enough talk from Kahuna! Now, Noncredibles, get ready
To eat your own words and say "uncle" for real, 'cause it's Machete,
Here to aid his family!
Carmen: You mean by arming us with gadgets?
Machete: No; by murdering our foes with all my namesakes in this jacket!
Kids, avert your eyes; I'm gonna make a Grindhouse of this place:
Slaughter some sucker supers, then go kill Mel Gibson up in space!
Machete don't text, he don't tweet, and he don't beat 'round bushes, either;
I'll end you less hesitantly than I did that robo-Bieber!
I'm a Train, ploughing head-on into these devils in red spandex;
Helen, I've seen rubber bands entail more wondrous elastics!
Answered Estevez's duty-call, and I'd vote Trump for president
Sooner than sparing you the cost of messing with this Mexican!
Deporting you to Hell with wild, exploitative flair;
Even Raul the Ghoul agrees your style's broke beyond repair!
I've got eight eyepatches for future use by you wack, low-life bozos,
Once I leave you blind as Luz, and swallow Jack-Jack whole like Kronos!
(*Screaming and flashing lights out of nowhere*)
Congratulations; that's the secret word, but it's no Pee-wee Herman show
When this sick snubbed sidekick-turned-super-squasher's beastly sermons flow!
With Jimmy Neutron's hairdo and an intellect to match,
I went from Bomb Voyage's role to sending Xerek to the trash!
This Buddy ain't nobody's buddy, and you'll all be getting owned,
Because unlike some hypocrites, I mean it saying I work alone,
So if no man's an island, just call me the closest any gets;
The only Syndrome more inclined to spitting harsh words than Tourette's!
I tempted heroes with Mirages of recapturing their glory days
To end their age like Wanted, terminating them in gory ways,
And strained to make the Omnidroid adaptive with my handiness,
Then staged the greatest octopoid attack since Ozymandias!
There's zero-points that you can make against this heavy hitter;
You're all full of B.S., and that doesn't stand for "Baby Sitter".
Man, I'd still stand out if everyone became a mad rhyme-buster;
Dopeness-over-volume-wise, I am the densest motherf-
Aaaaaaagh! (*Sucked into plane engine; explosion*)
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!
Chapter 38: SPECIAL: Moleman's Epic Rap Battles News
The Once-ler's attempts to present a straightforward "News" video regarding upcoming Moleman's Epic Rap Battles installments quickly devolves into basically the most random epic rap battle ever made.
(*Intro music: "Hail to the Chief" by The Four Squeezins*)
The Once-ler: Salutations, gentlemen, ladies and assorted Seussian monstrosities.
This is history's most inexplicably likable…
(*Hexxus is shown*)
…Second-most-inexplicably likable harbinger of mass-deforestation, the Once-ler speaking; hold your applause now, Tumblrites.
While I'm neither attempting to build and maintain an industrial empire with zero foresight regarding resource depletion nor hiding myself away in shame over the destruction I've caused because I, again, apparently have no idea how to keep a resource that quite literally grows on trees renewable, I watch two shows: Game of Thrones and Gotham… oh, and House of Cards.
Also, some little wrinkly guy has paid me to advertise his own crappy series, Moleman's Epic Ra-
…Wait a minute, what the Hell am I doing? I'm a Dr. Seuss character, for crying out loud; this thing ought to be in rhyme!
Dr. Seuss: Oh, how convenient; now he suddenly cares about accurately honoring my work…
The Once-ler: Hit it!
Yo, prepare to see a side of me even the film kept hidden;
Keep you pocket change and snail shells, too, 'cause y'all have free admission
To the show I'm putting on when I let grow my flow today!
Forget a Thneed; what you all really need's to heed what I've to say:
Even that fuzzy orange guy approves!
The Lorax: What? No I don't, asshole!
Once-ler: Whatevs; keep ranting 'bout the trees. I'm busy speaking for the Mole,
Who's biggering his rap empire: six new battles' seeds are planted,
With fat kids, twins and wall-builders; baby, this'll be gigantic!
Sucker emcees getting chopped right down and flattened like pancakes,
It's gonna be survival of the fittest; I can hardly wait!
Unlike my Aesop, they won't compromise on lyric quality,
And as for audio, well, riddle me this: how bad can it be?
Get… off… my… TRACK!
Prepare to scream like Hell; Grom's son's laying devastation!
I'm Warchief of the True Horde, and true host of this presentation,
With a true warrior's heart and, failing that, an ancient monster's!
You're a Thrall to your wack family like your movie to its sponsors:
Shilling Mazda was as damning of a deal as fiend-blood-drinking;
Thus, I intervene with this offensive Warsong I be singing!
This is mic-Mak'gora, yo, and though my words have not been poisoned,
Of your goring when I howl them, there can still be no avoidance!
I'm the orc-supreme, so suck it, Azog; you too, Ironhide!
Go lift yourself away; become a shaman. I'll fill in as guide
To the next expansion of the rapping-craft world,
Featuring child-eaters, lesbians and dead Russian girls;
Moleman's left naught a Blank Space on his invite list!
Now, I'll say this just once, Once-ler; YOU ARE DISMISSED!
…And on this very date in time, and right upon this very spot,
I, Aku, unleashed an unspeakably dope verse, and spat it hot!
It's no tea party when I show: I'm one far cry from Zuko's buddy;
Twenty-Sixteen marks my rebirth with free rein to make things bloody!
Ask the dinosaurs how hard I shake things up when I appear;
I'm just about the only shadow that it's sensible to fear!
You've not a fragment of the strength of this fragment of utter darkness;
Earth's worst scourge since birth, my name attests: I'm pure evil incarnate!
Making moot your petty feud like I did border immigration,
I'll troll Garrosh harder than when they selected his replacement!
What my fairy stories lack, I compensate for with these rhymes;
Try stepping to me, and your tales will end as sadly as X9's!
Even Aku's Achoo's a hazard! Now, I could just kill you losers,
But I've heard Hellscream likes time-warps, and so: have fun in the future!
Once-ler, Garrosh: Noooooooooooooooowoowoowoowoowoo- (*POP*)
Aku: …There, that takes care of those buffoons, at least for the time being; now, as I, being the actual host of this video, have been meaning to say: Moleman's Epic Rap Battles is on the rise yet again, with an all-new batch of battles featuring such characters as Dea-
(*Dun, dun, dun…*)
T. E. Lawrence:
I made waves in World War One!
(*Dun, dun, dun…*)
I'm Lawrence of Arabia,
Who takes no prisoners while massacring jerks with raps;
The Allies won't screw my dreams over here, and neither will your ass!
I missed my cue to reach Damascus, but I spit with perfect timing;
Thomas needn't help me get attention when it comes to rhyming!
It's as obvious as the "twist" when you tried posing as female:
Contrasting with my actor's Oscar noms, I'm destined to prevail!
In fact, I'll ask one of my Arab homies: how's that scripture read?
Gwonam: Well, it is written: only Lawrence can defeat Aku.
I'll hardly mind your hurtful words, but mine will cut you down to size:
Watch me extinguish your regime before match-cutting to sunrise!
Man, you look like your mama screwed with a Kor'kron Annihilator!
You're unfit to talk about the coming fights with Wizards, skaters,
A returning space-dictator and a band all being included!
Unlike getting knighted by King George, though, I'll be glad to do it.
Well, you'd best be glad to fold 'em when in comes this martial master
With Uncanny vocal talent; that's why I was on X-Factor!
My whole brain's intact, my full deck's stacked, and I'm too hot to handle;
Rolling solo as I steal this show, this time I won't get cancelled!
I went through worse than your war days 'fore being old enough to drive;
My flow'll make you crash and burn like this was Nineteen Thirty-Five!
I forge Apocalyptic verses, even out of Horseman mode:
Lyrics so charged with energy, they're prone to make a mic explode!
Tatum'll kill it when he steps up as this mutant casanova;
Sitting through your Kitschy film, though, damn-near put me in a coma!
I'd've just made out with Rogue, had I known I'd be risking that,
But see more pussy than your "love life" when I feed my Disney cats!
If you think you're on par with me, your skulls are thicker than my accent;
I'm a loyal heir of thieves, but you can call me your assassin!
As for aces up in sleeves, this ragin' Cajun has the most;
The slickest Gambit since the master-strokes of- (*ZIP, TUMBLE, THUD*)
Garrosh Hellscream: …Ugh… where are we; what year is it?
The Once-ler: …Um… I think we just got sent forward a couple minutes.
Aku: Oh dear… I guess all those years of being off the air really have taken their toll…
Lawrence: Hey now, that's no excuse for losing your touch; after all, I've been dead for seven decades, and I'm clearly not letting that get to me here!
Remy LeBeau: …So, um, I guess this means the rap is over, and we, having each gotten our chance to shine, all win, eh?
Aw, quite a nice dream, that… but dreams, of course, are meant to be…
Broken's how you'll wish I'd left you once this coup d'état's complete,
And you're helplessly watching your own metal forms bow to my feet!
The maniac who blew the Planet of the Furries up to Hell,
It's Doomsday when my ghastly voice projects; my Cumming's your death knell!
You'll face EndGame upon being met with my Roboticizer's jolt:
It'll give Lawrence his most drastic overhaul since Robert Bolt!
Watch Draenor's chieftains flee when this Warlord steps into the arena.
Remy, I'll rock your whole hometown as if my name were Katrina!
What's Aku's grip on the world next to my literal steel fist?
Compared to me, Once-ler's a radical environmentalist!
Just ask my nephew how heartless I am; he'll be your next-door neighbor,
Once I knead your bodies into blocks for holding down my papers!
Of all blights on Mobius, only Ken Penders' crimes are more,
And now, just like my robo-self, I'm on a cross-zone conquest tour!
As for the Freedom Fighters, let's just say: I've taught them not to talk shit;
Thus, I let the princess sum up their new creed…
Mecha-Sally Acorn: VIVE LA RÉSISTANCE, YOU FAT FUCK!
(*Robotnik lies bleeding on the floor before Sally, as everyone else looks on in awe…*)
Robotnik: But… but how?
Sally: What, how have I regained my free will? To be honest, I'm not quite sure, but I'm guessing it probably has something to do with the fact that I'm Princess Sally Alicia Goddamn Acorn, bitch!
Robotnik: Grr… I should have expected as much from a Mary Sue such as yourse- (*SPLAT*)
Sally: Alright folks, the bottom line is this: there's going to be six more battles in Season 3, after which Season 4 will kick off with an all-new matchup featuring yours truly against someone besides a certain blue robot.
Announcer: WAIT, WHAT? THAT'S NOT PART OF THE PLAN… AND FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, SAL, YOU'VE ALREADY GONE TWICE; ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?
Sally: Maybe it would be, if both those battles didn't suck in the audio department, and if not for the fact that you let me get roboticized again!
Announcer: WELL, SEEING AS YOU'RE STILL YOUR, ERM, VIRTUOUS SELF, I'D FRANKLY CALL IT AN IMPROVEMENT, IF ANYTHING… BESIDES, WHAT IF I DECLINE?
Sally: (*Draws arm-blades*)
Announcer: POINT TAKEN!
(*Moleman's Epic Rap Battle logo appears; fade to black…*)
Chapter 39: Ralph Bakshi Vs. Don Bluth
A particularly resonant clash of rebels against Disney's iron-fisted monopoly on the animated film industry, one an envelope-pusher and the other an envelope-shredder.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!
Let me Kickstart this confrontation, skipping past all formal nonsense;
Spend less time bush-beating than you took to show a hippo's Johnson:
I stuck it to Disney hard, inspiring their return to form,
While you inspired Ren and Stimpy's adult show, plus furry porn!
Bankruptcy couldn't keep this good Don down, you perverted, racist slob;
You're stoned as any troll queen's victims if you think you'll do the job!
I bring choice tales to life, from B.C. times to After Earth's destroyed,
So tell your freaky Doodle friends that I'm one 'Noid they'd best avoid!
I've got a master plan to which not even Jenner'd raise objection,
And for once, I won't let any execs muck with those intentions.
Dusting cels at Terrytoons is where you should have stayed for life:
Just think how Crumby your career would be if not for Robert's wife!
There'll be no tacked-on happy end to what I'll put you through today,
So disregard what you were told by Xanadu, and walk away!
As sharp as any T-rex chompers while attacking microphones;
Hey, I'm one Don more liable to piss you off than Corleone!
Think me some bigot pornographer; when will you people learn?
No, I'm your lyrical hitman, and things won't take a Peaceful turn;
The burns I spit'll worse-than-Singe you once you step in my lair, fool,
So brace for an unfiltered lecture, courtesy of Bakshi School:
You're fucking with the patron saint of animation's underground,
Who's in control of more than just the flippers as he knocks you 'round!
Coonskin made negroes doubt my whiteness, but I'll make you go albino;
Milk this track for all it's worth like Universal has your dinos!
I'll tear you more holes where sun don't shine than Rock-a-Doodle's plot,
So don't be fursecuting me; you tried to make a pheasant hot!
Me, I show people how things are, especially when it ain't pretty;
Never pandering, I keep real even with the nineteen-fifties!
I'm a wiz at tackling the heavy: drugs, war, segregation,
All while channelling pop music's power through the generations!
I beat South Park to T.V.; made even Nicktoons take some pages.
In inspiring Disney's Renaissance, you brought your own Dark Ages!
Listen here now, Rotoscope-It Ralph: don't charge me with shark-jumping,
'Cause it's clear that you and Mighty Mouse have both been snorting something.
Oh, and while on the subject of mice, I've brought a friend along,
So let me just stare at you for a bit while she takes up this song:
Mrs. Brisby: Get ready to be made a jackass of, and no Small One, at that,
By a deceptively small heroine who'll halt you in your tracks,
And needs no magic stone to show her strength within a verbal fight;
The N.C.'s Number Three, this widow's damn-near-black in terms of bite!
You'll catch pneumonia from my chilling licks; I'll whoop you as you cough,
And how can you survive this clash when half your own flicks axed you off?
Well, here's my beef: I rented one of your alleged "family" titles,
And its wack content transformed my Martin into Eric Idle!
Bluth: Gobbling chump cartoonists up like quarters by my game machines,
I'll push more of your buttons than it takes to get Dirk through a scene!
Each insult in my pool of disses is heart-stopping as Duke's death is;
Seeing this battle to its finish!
Mrs. Brisby: …Unlike you with Tolkien's epic!
Using someone else's character as your mascot? For shame;
She'll get flung clear across the valley like what should have been her name!
In any case, your Dr. Seuss schtick is a game two can partake in,
So here, kitty, kitty: come and bust rhymes harder than your rating!
Fritz the Cat: Time to buckle down for once; I won't be bugging out, my homie,
When I join in your revolt against this thick-skulled pussy-phony!
Sorry, wishful-thinking mice: America has many cats,
But not one other's quite the superstar that Fritz is; that's a fact!
Among all indie cartoon flicks, none's gross or grossness has been higher;
Pushed the envelope? I set the goddamn P.O. box on fire!
A far-out, revolutionary poet who'll torment your soul,
I've battled many a good man, but you ain't one of them, asshole!
Bakshi: I'll leave you breathless as when Fievel's ballad lost to aviators;
Make sweet music with the innards of your big-lipped alligator!
Bitch, you make Dom DeLuise look like some kind of Killer Tiger;
C.N.R.'s butch next to you!
Fritz: …And he don't mean Weird Al's take, either!
Your brain must be on the Fritz!
Mrs. Brisby: …And I thought Dragon was a pain;
To call that prick's film an "experiment" makes NIMH's tests seem humane!
Bluth: Man, how he's even still alive is a Schrodinger-worthy question;
Either way, methinks this calls for some angelic intervention…
Charlie Barkin: Lookie here, now: what a shock; I'm yet again among the living,
But I'll see that you can never come back from the jibes I'm spitting!
You should let me be surprised and make like clocks; start turning back,
Or else not even your Love's going to survive this rap-attack!
Your pal makes Holden Caulfield look heroic, lynching porky coppers,
And I'll shut him down like Ralph's hopes to adapt the Catcher proper:
Watch me take away his life, and then the other eight as well,
Because all dogs may go to Heaven, but that cat can yiff in Hell!
Bluth: The bottom line is: you go too damn far…
Charlie: …And he don't say that lightly…
Bluth: …While your bars are cheaply-cobbled as your stint with Sixties Spidey!
It won't turn out to be just a daydream when I blow your mind
Until you're gone with naught a trace, and only photos left behind!
A canine standing between cat and mouse; what is this, Tom and Jerry?
Fritz: Also: what did you make Time Warp on? I'd pay to try that crap…
Bakshi: My next creation, by contrast, need not be high to roll with fairies,
So hold on together tight, now, not that you'll be spared his wrath…
Avatar the Wizard: It's time to shift away from urban life and toward the more fantastic;
The O.G. post-cataclysmic wizard's here to sow some magic:
Bending more than just four elements' worth as I Scortch this mic,
I'll make your whole crap kingdom crumble like my brother's wack Fourth Reich,
But it won't take three million years to tell that Ralph's will never fade!
You'd best believe that I'm for real, unlike when Elinore betrayed.
My sleeve holds quite the nasty trick that's sure to knock you off your throne,
Namely: a Luger, aimed straight at your heart; eat yours out, Indy Jones.
Bakshi: See, I'm the bigger man…
Fritz: …A ballsy man…
Avatar: …A man chock-full of vision!
Bakshi: I'll put Charlie deeper undersea than his film's competition!
A damn brontosaurus's demise was your high-point of drama;
What are rodent immigrants' woes against the Belinksys' saga?
Charlie: Cheech here's got less material than his slut girl's outfit!
Mrs. Brisby: Hey, here's an ice pick, Donnie; use it!
Charlie: Leave him going: "THEY KILLED FRITZ"!
Bluth: Relax, my pretties, for my secret comeback weapon's primed to go;
Bakshi, beware: she'll whoop, ka-pow, hi-yah, and kick your ass, sir!
Anastasia: …Yo, let's journey to the past; to Russia, early 20th Century,
Where the Bolshe- …I mean Rasputin's slain the royal clan, 'cept for me!
The avenger of my family and of Charlie's ticket sales,
This best princess from any non-mouse house is here, and kicking tail!
A DNA test will confirm it: Anya's schtick ain't no con's play.
I'll stomp on you until you're shattered; Heartlessly so, like Kanye!
I took flight from the Communist curse once upon a July, but I'll steadfastly see through this fight,
Letting loose haunting words to get your bodies tossing and turning in bed in the dark of the- (*Gunshot, bloody explosion*)
There; we fixed your history!
Avatar: You're welcome, now; no need for thanks.
Bakshi: That movie might as well have told the happy story of Anne Frank!
Fritz: What kind of hypocrite would make that, then call out my not being dead?
Bakshi: Honestly, why couldn't you have stuck with shitty kiddie schlock instead?
I mean… The Pebble and the Penguin?
Avatar: Truth be told, it made me laugh…
Bakshi: A Troll in Central Park?
Fritz: Heh, real fucking intellectual…
Bakshi: Lying about the tragic execution of a seventeen-year-old girl?
Fritz, Avatar: Detestable!
Bakshi: To net your biggest profit, you sold out in terms of heart;
Rasputin never crossed the Romanovs, but you betrayed your art!
Now, Holli Would come out to play if she were needed, but in truth,
Enough's been said, so face the facts: you're our announcer's husband, Bluth!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!
Chapter 40: Eric Cartman Vs. Porky Minch
Respect the authority of these emcees; they mean business.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!
Listen up, you worthless sack of protoplasm; here's the deal:
I've utter faith that I'll one-up you, and go platinum for real!
You're an evasive little pussy; I'm a doer, dropping bombs:
I'll whoop your ass a hundred times worse than that bitch you call your mom!
The Triple-K Grand Wizard's here to stick a thousand truths to y'all;
Imagining won't be required to make you suck my salty balls!
Just ask Saddam Hussein: my shocking words are verbal PK Thunder!
Come on down to South Park? You're gonna have a bad time, Mother-fucker!
Here's an eight-part melody of hate, you cardboard-cutout brat:
Abort your efforts like the spawn of your Satanic Rankin/Bass,
For I ain't cynical in saying that all I hear from you is crap;
If thunder's what you're spitting, you can call these raps my Franklin Badge!
A bigger pain inside your ass than a visit from aliens,
So shut your mouth before I open it like a Canadian's!
Make Minchmeat out of me? You're Andonuts if you think you could manage,
So buzz off, lest you be bitch-smacked with a "SMAAAASH!!" for mortal damage!
That verse stunk worse than Eagleland's advertisements for your game;
Methinks the lines lost something in translation, kind of like your name!
This ain't your sanctuary, Pokey, and you'd best start running home,
'Cause pissing me off's poorly-thought-out as the schemes of undie-gnomes!
You're full of Poo, and no prince, either; more akin to Mr. Hankey.
Wrecking you rivals your mother, it's so easy; spanky-spanky!
I've rolled with blue-power groups, but they at least didn't worship Hitler!
You resent being labelled "fat", yet truly, your bone couldn't be littler.
I HAVE FUCKING HAD IT WITH YOUR SHIT! Cartman means business, buddy:
I'll make you crap in your pants, and not as fear's byproduct, either,
Grind and cook your body up, á la Shakespeare at his most bloody,
And feed you to your own brother; I hear he's no Picky eater.
EarthBound? Trust me: you'd be HellBound, even if you were a Mormon;
You'll be finished by the count of Onett, Twoson, Threed, you whoreson!
I'm school's bottom-one-percent, but first in lyric-busting class,
So take your disses, make like Mr. Slave, and shove them up your ass!
Well, let's be honest: we're both corpulent, cruel creeps. Indeed, this match
Is like the Special Olympics: in either race, you finish last,
And you owe more to status quo than any boy band's debts, you freak;
Got the Ass-Burgers beaten out you by a girl, you're so damn weak!
Moonside's the only place I'd answer your dictations with a "yes";
I'm flowing with mach-speed delivery: Escargo Express-esque,
And that two-hundredth episode got screwed by Islamistic pressure,
But your fat face is the blasphemy they really ought to censor!
I take back that "whoreson" line; I really meant: Streisand-begotten!
Man, I'll make a jackass of you swiftly as I did Bin Laden.
You seem pretty rich; your neighbors owe your folks a pretty penny,
But as rhyming skills go, your worth's pretty much on par with Kenny's!
Kenny: Hey man, leave me out of this, yo- (*Explodes for no reason*)
Cartman: Rats; that was inexplicable.
Your death, though, will be no shock; they'll say:
Kyle: Meh; that was predictable…
Cartman: You'll stop right in your tracks, but not to pose saying "fuzzy pickles",
Once my insults blow up in your face like bottle rocket missiles!
You put on a less appealing act than Butters' wack tap dancing;
Only half-ginger, yet of a soul, you haven't any fraction!
That'll make it all the easier to leave naught of you remaining,
When I send your mind and body into Mu, and not as training!
Well, I'll tear into you 'til you can't stop crying bloody murder,
Then get drunk upon your tears as if my name was Mason Verger.
Go pig out on some fly honey, barf-head, 'cause it's plain to see
That I could beat you with one hand behind my back; J. Lo agrees!
You lived through getting thrown beneath the bus, but listen here, M'kay:
You'll be gone sooner than a hundred bucks in the investment fray!
You wanna Brawl with Porky? Better be prepared for consequences,
For I need no Mr. Saturn to break right through your defenses…
Mr. Saturn: ZOOM, BOING!
Porky: …Behold: I'm sporting heavy arms to heavy metal,
With an evil power on my side, though not your faggot devil.
Welcome to the womb of woe, wherein awaits your final fight;
You can consider yourself dead, and it's too late to make it right!
Mysterion: The evil in Minch's heart can be allowed to run rampant no longer, lest the great darkness he has awakened consume all of us. I, Mysterion, must intervene and- GAH! (*Pushed off rooftop to his death*)
What are you, some future-wetback, trying to take my job away?
Well, I'm the only Chosen One who'll whack this pasty snob today!
Yes, it is I, the Coon, and I'll be giving you my autograph,
In claw-marks on your face through this barrage of my full-throttle wrath!
Boy, I'll drop you as hard as your own lame league! Props, though, on those garments:
The costume's spot-on; looks just as if you found it in the garbage.
Not-so-devious raccoon-ass; you should take a page from Sly,
Because I mean business for realsies, and I'm not your buddy, guy!
Here's some enlightenment, you rotten apple: you're as good as toast!
I'll go BP on you: drill through your brains, and that'll be all, folks;
Don't need my so-called "Friends" to burst your ego and your cockpit bubble!
Crossing me was where you fucked up; there, Hindsight: saved you some trouble.
What a waste of bars that was; still think you'll pull through all of this?
It's hard believing you believe that; you're like Scientologists!
You long-since butchered Clyde and pals, but playtime's really over now;
When I switch off this clunker's power, watch another surge, and how…
Eric, Eric, Eric… wanna war against Giygas on mics?
Bitch, please; I outdo both Mewtwo and the Empire at counter-strikes!
A psychic psycho mama's boy who puts ol' Norman Bates to shame,
This otherworldly foe who'll cancel you for good ain't turning tame!
Chaos incarnate, I'm one far-off cry from that "Professor" whelp;
Send out a prayer? I'd like to see you try; they'll say:
Kyle: Go fuck yourself!
Giygas: The truth is crystal-clear, and unlike these backgrounds, I won't distort it:
If you fought my fetus, even then, I'd see your life aborted!
From one moviegoing misstep, to Itoi's nightmares, to yours,
To hippies, trees and traffic signs, my darkness spreads 'til all's absorbed,
And though my mind is shattered, you remain the bigger idiot:
Forget the form of my attack; you can't grasp how to flow for shit!
Come on; your bluffing's just like rape, 'cause none of it is getting past me!
…That being said, Minch, I'll admit that your new friend is rather ghastly,
But if "happy"'s how he's feeling, I won't let that stay for long…
Hey, C-Man, that red swirly guy's been talking shit about your mom!
WHAT; who dares blaspheme against the Blasphemy from which I spawned?!
I'm waking up to Call this fool out; screw it if the stars are wrong!
You puny Geek; didn't my cultists lay out what'll happen to you,
When straight outta R'lyeh, comes the eldritch mind-fucker, Cthulhu?
H. P. made me, but the rhymes I craft for you comprise pure hate:
You'll wish that I had simply eaten you, so grim will be your fate!
You're but a flower to me, and like that weird tale, I'll put you under;
Wouldn't dream of losing in a vigintillion years of slumber!
Watch me wreck your base to sounds of Starmen's screams and toppled stones;
I'm laying down more maddening words than any A. A.-authored tome!
Your grave's been dug, and it's a Deep One, like my pals in Dagon's Order;
I'll smash you between my palms, and label you The Sandwiched Horror.
Oh, get real, you overrated, mythos-title-hogging hack;
My unreal skills will burst your brains so bad, this time they won't grow back!
Derleth need not be at the helm for your defeat to be achievable:
You're just a big ol' squid; my cosmic terror is unspeakable!
Cthulhu fm'latgh hlirgh! You really have destroyed your mind;
Even against my Grim Adventures version, still you'd Trail behind!
We both know well that one immortal's life ends only by another,
And between us, there can be but one, so come and get me, sucker!
(*The two monsters clash; vision is engulfed by a massive, blinding burst of energetic light*)
…Dang! It seems that either beast has dealt the other fatal wounds;
Convenient, really… Now, although I'd love to stay and seal your doom,
I've even bigger fish to fry than any Great Old One, and thus,
I leave you in the present, heading off to cause far-future-fuss…
Oh, don't you try to exit-stage-left on me, coward; I've got more to say:
This battle won't be done 'til all respect my rap-authority!
My win can't wait, and so into deep-freezing I retire,
Chilling out for now, but come my waking, I'll be spitting fire…
…And, like Buck Rogers, the Time Child emerges from his frigid capsule
To engage his rival once more; now, where is that little rascal?
…Ah, you're right in front of me; get ready for round 2.0,
Because I'm back to- …holy David Blaine, have you let yourself go!
So, you've come here through space and time pursuing unfounded revenge, kid?
Oh my God; you're killing me with your sheer arrogance, you bastard!
Though you deemed your trip to Casa B. as worth its consequences,
I'll see to it you regret this; welcome to your final chapter!
I'm a king, with a utopian empire in my name;
The dopest Pig-Mask master since Jigsaw, I play the conquest game!
Just ask Fassad: my forces trump foes! Know your heart will break and rend,
But don't you dare start tearing up just yet; no crying until the end.
How can you call this a utopia?! There's too many damn minorities;
You're King of Nowhere: how's that for a title of authority?
There'll be no safety from the PK Hate I'm launching at you:
Bomb-ass lyrics sick enough to topple even your wack statue!
Get up out of bed and fight me; you look like you're from Akira,
But I needn't follow suit and be a blob to fuck your rear up!
With or without godless otters, I bust triple-A-grade verses;
Your delivery's as mechanical as your robot-selves: nerveless!
Man, I'm pulling all the stops out; time to get apocalyptic:
In contrast to Mother 3's end, your demise will be explicit!
No chimera'll be required to see you instantly defeated,
So naturally, take after my Killer Cyborg's theme, and Beat It!
I'll strike you in combos to these beats; unravel master plans!
You won't get far with me; your game couldn't even travel past Japan,
And I'll downsize you like its move from 64 to GBA
With words so Negative, they'll leave self-pitying ones all you can say!
Al Gore warned you of Manbearpig, and he was two-thirds-way correct:
I'll roast you like a lil' marshmallow; snap your nonexistent neck,
You dumb, malformed Ape! Saying you'd bring me down, you couldn't have been more wrong:
King P'll drop you from a hundred-story building; call you Kong!
My brittle, bed-bound body's broken after countless trips through time,
Yet I remain a towering force in terms of loosing thunderous rhymes!
Your fatty blood's unfit for spilling on my spider-legs, you schmuck;
I thusly let the Parka Man end this…
Kenny: Wait, Cartman?! What the fu- (*Multiple gunshots*)
Porky: Gah! My hit points fall toward zero, and I'm slowly losing breath,
But I've still one last trick, so don't get your hopes up on seeing my death,
For if you'd take sick joy in doing so, I'll keep you from that pleasure,
Even if it means my being deprived of this world's light forever…
(*Absolutely Safe Capsule activates*)
Ha; Guess I didn't need Cthulhu to leave you in dark oblivion!
Hell, I'd take Ensenada over what you'll now be living in,
And hence, our duel concludes: I stand victorious; you're boned,
'Cause you just screwed yourself for good, and on that note, I'm going home…
…Wait a minute, my home doesn't exist anymore, and everyone I've ever known has been dead for centuries…
…AW, MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN COC-
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!
Chapter 41: Pink Floyd Vs. Qin Shi Huang
Brace yourselves: Tyrants, trippers, presidents and Winter are ALL coming!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!
…QIN SHI HUANG!!!!!!!
Qin Shi Huang:
You've tackled doggies, sheep and pigs, but taken on my breed? You haven't,
For as Animals go, I'm an all-Eclipsing, mighty dragon!
My reign marks where Chinese history worth written record started,
And you face me In the Flesh, unlike the force by which I'm guarded!
You're on Thin Ice: troubled, Waters; can't turn back my conquest's tide.
Dave sings of Money's evils? I see all its units standardized,
And I know you wish Syd were here, but soon you'll share his wretched fate;
No way you'd win this, even with ol' Rick inputting worth his weight!
Now, heed this bit of education, 'cause it's plain you need it, pricks:
I paved the roads throughout a nation, while you followed yellow bricks!
I'm hardly one to talk to fish, but still I unified the seven;
Palpatine has nothing on this greatest emperor under Heaven!
You've seen your last blue sky once my blitzing disses hit, you suckers;
No one doubts I'll drop the bomb on you: just go and ask your mothers!
Down to business to defeat the Huang? You're facing certain doom,
And that's no mystery, so kneel and kiss the dark side of my moon!
Roger Waters: We came in here to flow, so let's skip past the ambience and do this…
Nick Mason: Time to serve a tyrant's Final Cut less kindly still than Brutus!
Richard Wright: To withstand your disses comfortably, we need no numbing shots.
David Gilmour: Plus, how can you teach shit to us? You closed the Hundred Schools of Thought!
Mason: Our motors revved, we're drumming up a psychedelic thunderstorm;
You think your loss impossible, but swine take flight when we perform!
Authority's your heroin: you're always seeking More to gain,
Yet you're no dragon, but a nasty worm, who'll not damage our brains!
Wright: We're out of this world at our live shows, and the Russians can attest,
So just consider me the second Rick who'll lay you back to rest.
Your offing of your own half-brothers for their daddy's acts was heinous;
Fairer judgements have been passed down through the flaps of Roger's anus!
Waters: You've one fortified self-image, but Confucius say: you evil!
Man, you buried folks alive; it beats me how that's labelled "Legal".
Well, if "thought-controlling fascist" is the role you're gonna play,
I'll follow suit, goose-step into Xianyang, and hammer you today!
Gilmour: Your futile search for an elixir was a lifelong lapse of reason;
Might as well have tried to learn to fly, from Penglai's summit leaping!
You OD'd on mercury without an heir announced decisively,
And that castrated cad's conspiracy doomed your whole dynasty!
Wright: This meteoric verse heralds our smashing you forever!
Mason: We pack such a potent punch, just purge the "Pink" and add "Mayweather".
Gilmour: Your grave crimes come to eleven when you touch that microphone…
Waters: …And we don't need no crappy raps!
All: Hey, emperor, leave them beats alone!
Qin Shi Huang:
You really are for stoners: only they'd think those lines written well;
There's more of substance within minute one of The Division Bell!
Those who would Meddle with my might had better come prepared for war;
I'll tear apart your "opus" brick by boring brick like Paramore!
Back when I took the throne at thirteen, it was only the beginning;
Now, my legend runs so deeply, still they've yet to finish digging!
Make like light-waves coming through your prism: undergo dispersal.
You're a fractured, self-confessed spent force; my legacy's eternal!
Waters: Our Wall symbolizes one man's inner-pain and isolation…
Gilmour: Yours is built on mounds of human bones; a vain abomination!
Wright: Its construction cost so many lives, to list out all their names…
Mason: …Would take its own Wall that'd put the 'Nam Memorial to shame!
Gilmour: Our legacy is diamond-certified, ceaselessly shining on.
Waters: Your biggest advocate in current times is Mao Goddamn Zedong!
Mason: Man, had it not been for the Ming, naught of your "Great" Wall would remain.
Wright: No escorts will be harmed as we strike like four British Zhang Liangs!
Qin Shi Huang:
I joined two rivers; best believe I'll make these verbal blows connect:
My "cruel" world wonder's never saying goodbye, but you'll be getting wrecked!
You're but rag dolls before my majesty; you'd better Run Like Hell:
The true Wall-master's gonna snatch you up and toss you out like Zelda!
Mason: With our backs against the Wall, it's do-or-die, so let's deliver!
Gilmour: We'll quicksilver-dunk your ass, then sail off on the Endless River!
Wright: Stick to shooting giant fish in your last days, you sorry devil…
Waters: …For the verdict of your Trial's written:
All: Mene, mene, tekel.
Wright: …Oh yeah, take that!
Gilmour: Heh, doesn't look like his highness is coming back from that one; guess we win…
Mason: …So, um, why isn't it going to the outro?
Waters: Say, good question… Hey, Moleman, isn't this where-
(*Obnoxiously loud fanfare; trumpets*)
Donald Trump: So, I've heard you guys are into building Walls…
Announcer: (*Snoring; wakes up*) UUUUHHH… HUH? OH SHIT!
NOPE, NOPE, NOPE, WE DO NOT HAVE CHARACTERS FROM THE REAL ERBAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
(*Tries to physically kick Trump out; is automatically repelled and sent flying away by his awesomely stupid invincibility aura of stupid awesomeness*)
Think you can simply fire the Donald from a war of Walls? That's cute;
What, were you gonna bring in Mr. Garrison to substitute?
I've got a knack for crashing parties as an uninvited guest;
If trying to mess with me, make unlike Mexico, and bring your best!
With even my fast food fix famous, in the meme world, I'm a god;
Damn-nearly soloed that campaign trail, so don't you tell me the odds!
Though some would protest my appointment to the presidential gig,
I'll win this popularly, even with the system rigged!
Waters: You pig!
Trump: You'd knock me for the alt-right's words, implying their bigotry's my sin?
If that's the case, I'm looking at the founders of the Hammerskins!
Your cavalcade of animation, more deplorable than Seth's,
Looks as if Disney's Renaissance artists Scarfed down a brick of meth!
I mean, come on; a giant butt?! And they say my court noms are wack…
Now, kiss your labor force goodbye, Zheng, 'cause those jobs, I'm taking back!
It's no mere gossip, many folks saying I'll come out on top for real,
For your weak Walls can't stump the Trump; just call me Donald Copperfield.
Would you like to see America made great again, my friends?
All you have to do is follow the Trump…
(*Ominous fanfare accompanied by chants of "Build the Wall!" proceed to escalate, until suddenly and with a crescendo, a voice yells "STOP!"*)
You bit my old schtick bigly, and I'd say it's a word-crime
That you didn't specify you'd make this country great for the third time!
You're such a quack while lashing out, I ought to call you Donald Duck,
But me? I'm Prouder, Stronger, Better; Faster too, you daffy punk!
An Able Archer firing verses and proficient as a pitcher,
I'm the one-man Winning Team who'll take this battle for the Gipper!
Better as an actor? Hardly: the antithesis of Arnie,
Busting Walls like Foster-lusting-Taxi-Driven plots to harm me!
When the Time for Choosing comes, I landslide-bury Challengers,
But when disaster strikes, I'm ready to address with valiant words.
The PATCO folks know well: I let no striking-out against me fly;
If there's a bear up in your woods, to tame that sucker, I'm the guy!
Just ask Gaddafi: I drop bombs on demagogues aggressively,
And even if I lost my legs, you couldn't best the rest of me,
'Cause Morning in America's more like midnight with you as head,
So quit fit-throwing, you orangutan; it's time to go to bed!
Hey, don't you label my agenda as some wack empire of evil;
Man, your "Star Wars" plan was dumber than how Lucas handled prequels!
If you'd turn back to the left side, making Trump your enemy,
You'll find you're headed for a loss as utter as your memory's!
And there you go again, with reckless, tasteless insults! It's appalling:
So much rolls off from your head's top, it's no wonder why you're balding!
I united left and right; with your divisive ass, we'll fall,
So Mr. Gorbachev, take it away, now…
Mikhail Gorbachev: TEAR DOWN THE WALL!!!
(*Gorbachev's voice echoes thunderously as Trump's, Qin's and Pink's Walls are all demolished, along with an as-of-yet unspecified, previously unmentioned, additional Wall…*)
Trump: My border!
Qin Shi Huang: My legacy!
Waters: My… ah well, it was an unhealthy coping mechanism anyway.
Gilmour: Say, um, what exactly was up with that fourth Wall that just came down?
Deadpool: Hrm, good question… Ooh, maybe we should ask our lovely viewers out there in the real world!
Reagan: Shut up, Wade; you're not in this. Anyway, I guess Mikhail and I may have gotten a little carried away back there, but I wouldn't worry too much; after all, what's the worst possible thing a Wall like that could have been keeping out?
Night King: You're all but children of the Summer, knowing nothing of true fear,
But brace yourselves: I bring with me a storm, for Winter's finally here,
And know it's one of discontent for all who walk among the living…
White Walkers: Though the song we sing is one of ice, hot fire's what we're spitting!
Night King: All resistance will be shattered when we launch our final onslaught!
White Walker #1: Even dual-wielding Longclaws, you couldn't squash us by a long shot!
White Walker #2: No one here is fat, so we won't hesitate to bring the violence…
Night King: …Though I'd like to see the Donald try denying this change in climate!
While fools fight and die for chairs, we play the Game of Thrones as griefers…
White Walkers: Valar morghulis!
Night King: Indeed; not just eventually, either,
'Cause I plan that for today, the words of Syrio be damned!
White Walker #1: Think that Stark boy can stand against us?
White Walker #2: He can't even fucking stand!
Night King: When our dead army comes for you, don't try and bother with the door,
For once the Long Night falls, you lackwits Can't Hold Us!
White Walker #1: Think Macklemore!
Night King: Our frigid scourge, like wildfire, inextinguishably spreading,
You'll all be betrothed to death!
White Walker #2: It's a nice day for a White Wedding!
Lich King Hans: Old Gods dammit, guys, how many times do I have to tell you: no more senseless rampaging?! I can't exactly earn the respect I deserve as a benevolent king and world leader if my subjects keep going around slaughtering people!
Night King: But, boss, we're the undead; that's kind of what we're supposed to-
Hans: Yes, yes, I know: you say it's "in your nature", I say it's auto-stereotyping.
Grr… why did I ever agree to wear this stupid helm in the first place?
Tyrion: Hey, I told you so!
Hans: Oh, shut up; you are talking to the Lich King!
Tyrion: …And now I've struck the Lich King! Did my hand fal- (*Hand falls off*)
Hans: Uuughh… Zombies is the craziest peoples…
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 42: Count Olaf Vs. Judge Doom
Count Olaf sets out through the multiverse to prove his supremacy amongst all villains, and gets more than he bargained for!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
…WINNIE THE POOH!
Winnie the Pooh:
It's a tale of two kids icons, from the 'hood to the Hund- (*Record scratch, screen goes dark*)
Lemony Snicket: I am sorry to inform you that this is not the epic rap battle you will be viewing; the battle you are about to see is extremely unpleasant: so much so, in fact, that Papa Mole himself has been rendered too upset and traumatized by its creation to be able to properly present it. Listen closely, and you just might even hear his tormented brooding right now…
Announcer: HELP, HELP; THIS MAN IS HOLDING ME PRISONER!
Lemony Snicket: …Thus, I, Lemony Snicket, am regretfully here to present to you the following display of vile, fiendish depravity…
Moleman's Epic Rap Battles!
Snicket warning, right up-front: don't get your hopes up, even slightly;
Why don't you do right, make like the baby Baudelaire, and bite me?
Flowing seamlessly as my eyebrows with Very Fierce Delivery,
I'll start a rapping fire, roasting you like a rotisserie;
R. K. Maroon you on the trolley rails, tied up and screaming:
A setup that's sure to give the "Red Car" label a new meaning!
Well, I've heard you plan dismantling that very means of transit,
But forget it: it's Toontown; don't try to Noah Cross me, damn it!
I'm an actor, not a herpetologist, but here's the deal:
The venom in the rhymes I spit's incredibly deadly for real!
They'll fuck you up, my wicked words! This be the verse of your undoing;
My triumph is like your greatest feat of heinousness: a shoe-in!
It's no Great Unknown: your loss will go on haunting you for years,
The echoes of my beastly disses bombinating through your ears!
Top-billing villain, I'm the illest, a word which here means "spectacular";
A skillful killer, this Count's the blood-spillingest since Dracula!
You're off to quite a Bad Beginning there; be careful, creep:
In me, you've got as much to fear as your neurotic Meryl Streep!
When I'm presiding, cartoon smiles give way to overwhelming horror,
So flee, Olaf; to beef with me is something not worth melting for.
Your stalking schtick Jim Carreyed on through thirteen novels? That's insane;
You'd last a trilogy at most if they wrote Poe with half a brain!
You're greatly played up as nefarious; the plights you wrought: precarious,
But I'd say dressed in drag was Shirley when you were your scariest!
Think I'll fall for some haircut, shave and two-bit costume? Hardly;
There's more masterful disguises on display with Dana Carvey!
I've met more intimidating babies, pushed around in strollers;
Man, you look and act like Dumb-Ass, the long-lost sixth Toon Patroller!
Though alone, I'll still out-weasel you and your whole wretched troupe;
Your only chance: to make me laugh to death at your ineptitude!
The caustic rhymes that I'm concocting will be your final solution;
Our duel: your ultimate peril, with definitive dénouement!
Yeah, you set up Roger Rabbit, and your plan was super-nasty,
But the best-remembered frames were when his wife flew from that taxi!
Your weak burns can't censor me, so show some damn respect to me,
Before I make this place the theater of your craniectomy!
The world is quiet where I'm up onstage; all heed when I perform.
Your shoddy showmanship sucks harder than a Lachrymose leech swarm,
With lyrics ill-articulated as my main man's either hand is,
So drive off on that freeway of yours, hit eighty-eight, and vanish!
Let your mouth stop running, Genghis; I'll not put up with being scolded
By a freak who'd wed and patty-cake with a fourteen-year-old kid!
Just like that "play", know the judgement I pass here is real and final:
I'll summarily harpoon you; never cared much for fair trials.
You're a Sham, threats emptier than Book the Sixth's elevator,
Full of boasts about as credible as that Punctilio paper;
Loonier than any Toon, if still believing that you'll win!
Even your squalid girlfriend knows you're out; the all-black look is in!
You'll soon fall flat, and then be flattened as my lines steamroll you over;
No amount of luck will keep you safe, so keep your four-leaf clover.
Parting on a sour note, now, pardon if this sounds off-key…
…But you've met your doom, and I am very fortunate indeed!
Baron Von Rotten:
…Remember me; when I scarred children like your books pretend you could?
I've got a sharp eye out for openings to finish you for good!
You never got those kids' dough, but I'll steal your life like infants' candy;
I'm the Man! What, don't believe me? Just ask my old co-star, Bambi!
Valiantly though you may try, you'll never pack the punch to stop me:
I rank number one in Rottenness; you're more akin to Robbie!
You can count on the Count going down for the count when he tries to step up to me,
For he'll find that I'm far worse than just the way some artist drew me!
Though your gloves are off, don't think me left helpless to your devices;
I'll see your true form, and raise you the most ghastly of my guises…
Baron Von Rotten: What's this, some ploy to distract from your choking? Ha, you must be drunk; you're joking!
Count Olaf: Oh, I've not been drinking, but you'll shortly find that I am…
To let my loss be how the story goes here, I refuse;
Now, any bombs you drop on me, however spicy, I'll defuse,
For with the god of mischief on my side, I'm primed for striking back:
A Dark Horse victory, unleashing Ragnarök upon this hack!
An Oscar-worthy riot rocking this zoot suit, I've mastered fun;
You're as exciting as Ben Stein, and charming as my bastard Son!
For my gag-arsenal, your wack-ass Acme gadgetry's no match;
Call me the Masque of the Green Death, and know your party's getting crashed!
Forget a softie PG-13 schtick; I won't be holding back, see:
Think a little less Tex Avery, and a whole lot more Ralph Bakshi!
When you try to dance with me, you're gonna go chick-chicky-BOOM;
Watch me out-damage-deal your dismal Dip with nothing but balloons!
I've got the Power like Nintendo, and this time things won't fall through:
There'll be no bouncing back from this; no chance of resurrecting you!
Pinhead, your hopes went down the drain the moment Big Head showed up onstage:
Though you hail from funny papers, I'll put your face on the front page!
(*Baron Von Rotten is sent falling backward into a nearby giant printing machine; as he falls, he launches his arm-saw blade at Olaf: it hits him squarely in the face, tearing away the Mask and sending him falling back as well. As a newspaper with the headline "PSYCHOPATHIC TOON KILLED IN FREAK ACCIDENT" emerges from the printing press, Count Olaf plunges into a rather inexplicably-placed body of water, and everything goes dark. Next we see, he has awoken within a dark woodland environment…*)
Now, this, I hadn't counted on; have I plunged down some rabbit hole?
This forest seems to be some foreign realm, and it's no Sugar Bowl,
But Baron Batshit Bug-Eyes breathes no more, so though completely lost,
I've proven, still, that no cad's badder than this loathsome, lean, mean boss!
You'd be wise to beware, for the Beast's rhymes are raw!
You're naught but a babe here in my woods; unfit to stay afloat,
Because you rap like Jason Funderburker's stuck down in your throat!
I'm all about that operatic bass, and I'll beat you, no trouble:
Snooze and dream of happy clouds as you're ensnared; save us a struggle.
Ask Elijah Wood: I'm chilling as all nine Ringwraiths combined;
Think you surpass me in the Vile Fiend Domain? You've lost your mind!
All hope will shortly follow suit, and then your wayward soul, I'll burn;
You'll have the sun inside a teacup sooner than you're home-returned,
For I'm the greatest Unknown-Beast, no question, period, The End:
A dream of besting me can't be achieved, so don't even pretend!
Get it through your molasses-slow potato of a feeble head:
What this Sam Ramey does with trees is sicker than The Evil Dead!
Ah, what a lovely bunch of lies; by those stale raps, I'll not be swayed:
I'll spit some funky freshness, melting them away like Adelaide!
You took a page or eight from Slendy, but your chance is slimmer still:
I'll soon succeed where Gaston failed, and bag myself one Beastly kill,
You big, black, sluggish tortoise! I'm the hare, but won't stop in my tracks,
And on your boasts, I've heard more truthful claims from rocks, and that's a fact!
Think you can have your Woodsman cut me down? Though his axe may be deadly,
He's no threat to me; Hell, I've killed one Chris Lloyd today already!
Seems I've sold you slightly short; perhaps we ought to make a deal:
Yield, and I may yet let your bones live on out in the potter's field.
Surrender not, though, and you'll face a fate distinctly more Infernal,
Trapped forever as a gnarled husk like Dante's Seventh Circle!
I heard from a little birdie, named like Lemony's Lenore,
That you're fueled by but fear and Treachery: a coward; nothing more!
With that in mind, I'll make this Hallow's Eve your final Holy Night:
Your number's up, Beast; call me Yzma, 'cause I'm snuffing out your light!
The Beast: Nooooooooo…
(*The dark forest scene fades to white, and Count Olaf awakens from the water, gasping for breath. Climbing up out of the pool, he is quick to notice that the environment now surrounding him is still clearly not the normal world, and having nowhere else to go, he makes his way over toward the only visible house in the vicinity…*)
What otherworldly place is this, now? Though the gardens here are pretty,
Something feels distinctly off, and I must get back to the city.
I suppose I should consult whomever lives behind this door
On reaching home again to reign as king of cruel forevermore!
This is ten percent love, ten percent ill-will,
Thirty percent coercion as I prep for the kill,
Fifty percent hunger to satisfy my pangs,
And zero chance what's left of you'll even remember your name!
This It-girl doesn't clown around! Be Penny-wise: know you can't fight me, son,
For I'm a straight-up giant; don't you even think you might be one!
Unlike my so-called "husband", I'm the one who does the playing
While making up this needle-sharp rap song about your coming slaying!
Nothing can save you, brother, from an Other Mother's rhyming spree;
I'll gouge your peepers plus your ankle, lock you up, and eat the key!
The background choirs here sing gibberish, but this much is nonsense-free:
You're living in an other other world if thinking you'll beat me!
Any koumpounophobe will tell you: I'm the biggest button-pusher,
Though I coat nightmares with sugar, while you're subtle as a butcher!
Gaiman's wackest wicked witch, I'm worse than Stardust's or The Sandman's,
'Cause I prey on little kids and pluck their eyes out like the Sandman!
Listen, Mrs. Oogie Boogie: dissing me's one risky wager;
Were I you, I'd sew my own mouth shut to do us both a favor.
Cross my path, and I'll blindside you like some cat's claws in your face;
Prove such a pain in your giraffe-neck that you'll have to wear a brace!
I need no adder stone to see the holes in all your empty claims,
And leave you whiter in the face than my two homegirls from your shame!
Like all that you produce, your threat is mere illusion; all for show,
And I'm more terrified of Sparky as Tim Burton's monsters go!
Tim Burton didn't make Coraline, you sack of rats; what have you snorted?!
"Why were you born?" Here's a better question: why weren't you aborted?
I'm a Vicious Fairy Devilmother, stopping all your motion;
May have one hand down a well, but you're in deep as any ocean!
Though I've only just moved in here, you'll find me quite fast-adapting,
But this starving spirit-con-artist's mimicry's rather lacking,
'Cause you're nothing like my mother! Namely, you aren't even dead,
But here, I'll fix that: time to play some darts; the bullseye is your head!
The Beldam: Gaaaaaaaaahhhh…
(*All color drains from the Beldam's poisoned body, and she crumbles to dust as her created world, entailing everything surrounding both her and her killer, begins rapidly collapsing into oblivion as well. Seeing this, Count Olaf frantically tries to find a way out before he too is consumed into nothingness, and locates a newly-opened dimensional portal apparently created as a result of the dying realm's rapidly growing instability, into which he climbs. He next finds himself floating in a seemingly infinite abyss of shifting colors, abstract shapes and amorphous energies…*)
What cursed manner of dimension's this, which I must now traverse?
A seething void beyond time-space itself, this must be Hell, or worse,
Yet as I face this fate, I know: my villainy outdoes all others'!
Well, you've yet to meet the author of your final chapter, brother!
Set out on a Cipher Hunt, and you're the one who'll turn to stone,
Your frozen form then being discarded; you're unfit to serve my throne!
Once my all-seeing eye's set upon you, there's no hiding from my schemes:
You won't find refuge even in your most Vastly Fantastic Dreams!
Your flat act's boring as my homeworld, and I'll burn you just the same,
Straight-nuking your ass Dr. Strangelove style, and we'll not meet again!
A loss you won't forget if hit by some McGucket neuralyzer:
Next to me, you're but an infant; no time-travelled giant, either!
Your crap crew's weak-willed and faithless; my Henchmaniacs are myriad!
In terms of nightmare-fuel, I'm highest-tier on the Fearamid!
Nobody orders me; my very nature is anarchical:
Try fighting this triangle, man, and get smashed into particles!
So, you know lots of things? Well, that phrase here means far from "all",
For you don't grasp your situation's gravity; you're gonna fall!
You think the stars' alignments on your side? I'd deeply beg to differ:
There's no way you'll stump this Hydra when you couldn't kill little Dipper!
Journals, hieroglyphs and dollars may all have your image plastered,
But I'd say the one place you belong is on a jar of Planters,
And for all your weirdness, what's confusing me is showing hate
To he who slew your rival for arch-demon of the Oregon state!
The Beldam's Hell-damned by your hand, but if you think that earns you slack,
You're bubbled up in Olafland, where you've a Blind Eye turned to facts!
Yet, you impress me; though this may seem a one-eighty, I'm being honest.
Thus, I offer you a truce: here, take my hand, and let's shake on it!
But of course!
Bill Cipher: Ha ha; you fool! I now control your inner-psyche…
Count Olaf: Well now, it seems you've found its contents much too spicy!
Say your prayers: it's time to shatter you with one punch like Saitama;
Bring you back, not even some wack Aztec salamander's gonna.
Bill Cipher: !drow yb gnitanretla ,drawrof srettel eerht ,kcab srettel eerhT
(*The nightmare realm glitches out and fades away with its master's destruction, and Count Olaf is conveniently dropped off back at the battle's starting location in the human world, much to his delight…*)
Clearly, Bill didn't hear my theme song; shouldn't have looked at utter darkness.
Now, I'm back home, and it's settled: no scoundrel out there's more heartless!
Thus, this series of events ends with my hard-earned victory:
No dastard's mastery beats me!
What about me, Grizzly? Yeah!
I show kids gruesome tales where children die, and I'm a total- (*Inexplicably bursts into flames*)
Hwa, ha ha, ho, hoo hoo hoo!
You're an all-Forsaken Goner, facing personal apocalypse;
Unworthy of sand-licking off the very boots I'll stomp you with!
An oh-so-wicked-humored, nihilistic intellectual,
I unbalanced the Earth's Terrains, and shook the skies, Celestial!
My tier of skill's Divine; opposing me's no Comedy,
'Cause when I want to watch the whole world burn, no joke, I do it properly!
I'm last of the Empire, and the one-and-only God of Ruin:
Casting down my light, exposing hope as a facade; illusion!
Don't think me the mere stuff of some Caligari freakshow,
For I'm far more fierce than any lion: just ask General Leo!
Gestahl knows well how true villains handle useless, aging posers;
In sheer cruelty, I surpass you thrice, nay, make that six times over!
You may be one nasty son of a Gorgonian submariner,
But my hate, hate, hate, hate, HATRED level's North of Roger Ebert's!
Gamers screamed out by the hundreds as I laughed at Doma's doom,
And if you think your poison plot was worse, then you're the one on 'shrooms.
That Magitek's screwed up your brain, and you're without compassion hence,
But stop dismissing all self-help, and read up on some fashion sense!
The only diadem you're worthy of's your own enslaving crown;
Without Ted Woolsey, you'd just translate to an irritating clown!
The Goddess, Fiend and Demon stood deadlocked until they lost their might to me;
The warring of this dyad, though, will be resolved decisively!
Once Dancing Mad, I can't be matched; like life, your fight is futile:
I'm an eightfold dragon, elements-imbued, you tiny Moogle!
Vector's Formidable Deputy, from there, my status zoomed:
Six-Winged Angel while that white-haired pretty boy was in the womb!
What I destroyed couldn't be Returned, even when I was slain and crumbled,
And the same goes for your roasted ego after this rogue royal rumble!
Lemony Snicket: …Yes, I: Lemony Snicket. As of right now, this series is permanently under new manageme- GAH!
Announcer: OH, I'VE GOT YOU NOW, YOU SON OF A SNICKERS BAR! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO STEAL MY SERIES FROM ME, YOU CRAZY MOTHERF- (*Color bars*)
Chapter 43: David Xanatos Vs. Slade
Originally intended as a pre-finale "breather episode"; now the first part of a triple-feature collectively comprising one numbered installment in the series.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!
Exactly per my plan, I'm repping Disney's darkest small-screen opus,
Where, unlike the dopes from Hunchback, our Gargoyles are the dopest!
Foxy ladies look to me as leader of the Pack, for real;
The only times I'm the red: while sporting solid stacks of steel!
Don't even bother if the taking of Manhattan's what you covet,
For you think you're Jason Voorhees, yet you're closer to a Muppet!
Owen knows that I don't give a Puck about mere whims, shortsighted;
To the league I'm in, just like the Brotherhood, you aren't invited!
Watch me terminate you faster than those censors did your alias,
'Cause even Trump thinks your "Apprentice" program is the craziest!
The grinder of your gears, and not just those up in your hideout,
Stopping you stone-cold right in your tracks, regardless of the light out!
Ask Lex Luthor if he knows me, you half-vantablack-masked hack,
And also: Doctor Doom just called for you; he wants his robots back!
Though I've brought castles past the clouds, you'll never rise above my level;
You'd be nothing but a skeleton without your pal, the Devil!
So you think I've got an evil mind? Indeed. I'll tell you, David:
Walking barefoot into Hell's what facing Slade is.
Be a Weisman and relent; your game's a sucker's like revenge.
Defeat-ensured, you're cursed; you'll never break me in a thousand ages,
Because this is war, and war… war never changes.
TV Tropes calls you a Gambit-ace like Remy with his cards,
But cast your stone at this Goliath, and it's you who's falling hard.
Your enterprises money-maxed, more green's on you than any Changeling,
But I'm Haunting; an undying nightmare from which there's no Awakening!
Though best-known for ass-kicking in a clash of teenage jerkoffs,
Your attacks on wack past-blasts, I'll also match; check me in Turok!
Get it through your Cinderblock: I'll Overload you 'til your brains are Plasma,
Boiling your blood; I hit the mark with every Skathing stanza!
But one-tenth my brain could still outdo your dirty tricks,
'Cause I'm a one-in-seven-billion; you're a one-in-thirty-six!
Your little club should have Illuminated you to what's in store:
When my contract's fulfilled, you'll draw breath, quoth the Raven, nevermore,
And though to drag that broad through mud is Terra's job, don't be forgetting
How I did to her birthday what Walder did to Tully's wedding!
Follow daddy's lead: find other fish to fry out in the sea;
Like Plankton, I'll thwart your whole alphabet of plans, from A to Z!
It's lyrical speed chess, you pawn, and I'm preparing for checkmate here;
Know Macbeth agrees: my words could pass for something out of Shakespeare!
Fully-bearded from the start, I'll grow from there until unrivaled:
They're alive, my raps; alive! All yours are cold-dead-on-arrival.
Any message you have left for me is going undelivered
When my verbal volley, Wilson, Casts Away your ass forever!
Doctor Light became a joke, but they made you into a rapist;
Zone-tan had her work cut out, your bad touch vibes were so outrageous.
Don't be shocked, but you're the quarry on whom I'll soon drop the hammer,
Hatefully as any Klansman; you'll be permanently shattered!
Was Goliath Chronicles a mess? Though "yes" may be the answer,
At least we didn't all mutate into some chibi network-cancer!
Guess you're going for a gambit of the Thanatos variety,
For once you dare to Go there, things can only turn out violently.
Your threats are as authentic as the "you" in Future Tense:
I see through them like Robin's Red X getup; takes no super sense.
With those "New" Titans' mass-malignment, I wouldn't wish them harrowed worse;
That's why I no-showed my so-called "Return" and joined the Arrowverse!
You face a fiend more fly than your backwards Bizarro-bastard, stoked
To send you far from Avalon with his most deadly master-stroke!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!
Chapter 44: Severus Snape Vs. Terra
Truly, the most Mole-ish battle of them all. Part two of a triple-feature.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!
My name is Terra, and I'm here to rock the wizard world tenaciously;
Watch me command the microphone with utmost double-agency!
I'm powered with supremacy; the very Earth bends to me,
So watch your mouth, or this'll go down as your worst memory!
I was on my own, performing hits out on the street,
While your cuckolded ass was dangling upside-down by your feet!
I'm Terra-forming raps so venomous, you can't recover;
Snuffing out your wack Patronus like Bambi's mother!
Oh, Snivellus: if only someone out there loved you;
Shame Lily'd never let you Slytherin her muddy, bloody snatch!
I solemnly swear: ending you for good is what I'm up to,
Marauding all over these beats, I'll wipe your name right off the map!
Though Prongs saved you from Moony, I'm the Wolfman work who'll see you finished:
When my rhymes erupt, they'll set your ass on fire, like it's Quidditch!
Don't look for the reagents, which do not exist,
That you'd need to concoct a comeback half as hot as this!
Ah, yes: Miss Markov, our newest teenage prodigy;
Now watch me knock her off her perch like it's the Titanomachy!
I see what's up in your warped mind, not to be tattling off;
What, did you think that I'd be blind? You aren't battling Toph!
There's naught mysterious about it: you're a ticking time bomb;
A Cursed Child, just about as Terrible as Trigon,
And you're three times a bigger bitch than any corridor guard,
But try to Terra-ize me, and you're gonna Die Hard!
Pussy Pryde's about to find that this professor spits Uncannily:
Life isn't fair, but I'll see that you're beaten evenhandedly!
You've no defense against the dark artistry of my verses,
For your crimes are unforgivable as any killing curse is!
Don't expect you'll hit your mark, stone-throwing at me from afar,
When your best-written adaptations missed the point of what you are!
Like Sectumsempra, my sharp words will cut you deep until you're minced,
And this whole battle's the property of the Half-Blood Prince!
Well, Harry says that you're the bravest, but I'd say you've got a death wish,
If this Markovian Half-Blood Princess is one you'd mess with!
Go ingest your potions straight up your posterior hole,
'Cause even next to Gabe himself, I'm the superior Mole!
Methinks your little book of tricks could use some further annotation;
I'm ousting you from your station, so brace for defenestration!
You'll need more than Liquid Luck to stand against my solid might;
The aftershock of this'll wreck you like that fateful Hallows' Night!
I'm twice the nature-force this sour sixteen, chain-smoking skank is:
Watch me work my magic Mojo, and you'll know just what my rank is.
Like the seventh movie's posters, know there's nowhere safe to hide
When I go harder than the diamond Beast Boy thought you were inside!
This Terra's heart couldn't be more dark if Xehanort possessed her;
She never saw the new Millennium, and won't last one semester
Of my private lecturing on why she's rotten to the bone!
There's just no future for this wretched thing, unless we count her clone!
They gave your Two-Faced ass a hero's funeral like Harvey Dent,
But there's no doubt you're burning down below: just see when Harley went!
Take off those leather pants, you hooker; this ain't the cartoon.
Spoiler alert: Snape kills this dumb blonde whore; leaves her parts strewn!
Man, you let Slade into your chamber; it's an open secret
That he fucked you like an animal, though Gar won't believe it,
And I'm not a Basilisk, nor do they call me Jericho,
So look me in the eyes, and tell me that you'd been Imperio'd!
Tara Markov: Well, you could say I-
Snape: I was being rhetorical, you flipping whore,
And just for speaking out of turn, that's fifty points from Gryffindor!
Neville Longbottom: But this girl's not even a student!
Snape: Oh, who cares? It's year five,
And you'll still thank me at the end, when Harry Potter is alive!
In truth, I wasn't drugged or brainwashed, though you surely must be high;
That's right: this sorcerer is stoned, and he can go ahead and try
To shame me all he wants, but still, I've absolutely no regrets, sir!
Beast Boy: …Even after all this time?
Tara: Nope, never!
You can't fade away the hate my hard heart harbors for heroics,
'Cause it's Black as Night, for Sirius, and I ain't scared to show it!
Now look me right in the eyes; I want the boss to see it clearly
As I savor severing the ass of Severus severely!
Turn to page thirty-seven of Annual number three,
Where they spell out the true psychosis, plain for everyone to see,
Of Bad Luck Tara: shakes the continental shelf,
Intent on killing everybody; kills nobody but herself.
They say that Rowling wrote a finer romance in one chapter
Than Miss Meyer's whole entire four-book disaster,
But hey, give Twilight some credit, for in fact,
It's still a better love story than The Judas Contract!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!
Chapter 45: Twilight Sparkle Vs. Raven
Part three of a triple-feature.
Requested by DAQueenRuler on DeviantArt; my decision to take her suggestion also made Snape Vs. Terra possible by giving me the idea to make this installment of MERB a trilogy.
Video coming soon.
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!
Behold, the Princess Twilight's second coming to the microphone;
There's a dimension beyond Azarath: you're entering my zone!
Though I'm the mare here, it's this gray bitch who ain't what she used to be;
The girl's stark Raven mad, her future holding naught but lunacy!
I need no help to win the rapping crown when I deliver flows:
There's no way you could be my equal; even Starlight Glimmer knows!
I'll school this wack witch like the Mad Mod; send her back down to her maker!
Soaring high as I attack a Titan, call me Eren Yeager.
The prime princess's prized protégé, prodigiously artful;
Hatching verses like…
Spike: Fuck yeah, sparkle, sparkle, sparkle!
Twilight: Why should I be wary of your powers, let alone your waffles,
When your glut of episodes makes Generation Three look thoughtful?
Besting me takes more than luck, and you aren't Jinxed; you simply suck!
Come right on at me with them legs, and still I'll break you when I buck!
Tell Puffy AmiYumi their song needs rewriting on the double,
For I'd sooner call on Beavis and Butt-Head to solve my troubles!
This day is going to be perfect, so forever hold your peace,
'Cause you're out of your element; disharmonious with these beats!
No form of friendship you could forge can match my magic when we duel,
And keep your prestidigitation, too; by tricks, I won't be fooled!
It's striking Midnight for you, Sparkle; your defeat's a certainty:
This wroth Roth's your worst Nightmare, putting out your lights eternally!
No Shining Armor can protect when I project my astral raps,
Igniting you like Rapidash, until your rancid asshole's ash!
I mean what I say, and your fans might think that it's a crying shame,
But I'll force your cessation more abruptly than your fighting game!
Write to Celestia and tell her that today, you learned what happens
When you diss someone who's earned their cred, unlike those wings you're flapping!
This mutated Mary Sue's just sprung my verbal booby trap:
Straight-shattering your Crystal Heart, I'll wipe you off the Cutie Map!
Your future self ought to have warned you facing me would spell disaster,
For I'm Tara Stronger than you, Twi; the Garnet to your Jasper!
Well, I'm made of love and tolerance, but that ain't funny, Raven;
You're a Mumbo Jumbo-spewing, useless little bunny, Raven!
Wanna reignite the flames from when they gave me wings like Red Bull?
That card's been almost as overplayed as you on C.N'.s schedule!
Shutting down your whole reboot for good, I spit it truly raw;
My words will sweep you up and leave you stranded on the moon!
Twilight: I bet you would marry a Changeling; yeah, you've got that beastie fetish,
But the only horse you're beating is your series' long-dead premise.
Man, you're just like your balloon: filled up with nothing but hot air,
And just as well, I'll effortlessly burst your bloated derriére!
Read my revision of Rapunzel, and you'll know I'm tough as nails;
Even your cutie mark is telling you: screw destiny, and bail!
I'm Dazzling as any siren, stepping up to stick it to ya';
Hear demonic hallelujahs, and I'll blast you with a…
Raven: Launching shooting star-style rhymes, more hot and fiery still than Kori,
At this not-so-pretty pegasus who'd dare dispute my glory!
I'll unlock the rainbow's power, trap you up inside some prism,
Then take on all five of you produced by your emotions' schism!
You just can't be serious; not even when you claim to try!
I told Owlowiscious about your cause, and he says…
Owlowiscious: Let it die!
Though I was once a fan of yours, that spinoff makes me wonder why,
Your whole crew looking like some freaky-ass dropouts from Monster High!
My words will bring you to a standstill like "Klaatu barada nikto";
Check it, now: Azarath to the Metrion to the Zinthos!
Azarath Metrion Motherfucking Zinthos!
I'm sick of this bastardization; that's right, bub:
Get ready to battle yourself like it's Fight Club!
Your ilk's cartoon-cancer; the cure comes today:
I won't let you dub over what I've got to say!
Don't deny that you fear me; you'd better surrender:
I call your atrocities out like John Enter!
I fought Trigon's will; put my true family first,
While you've gone and embraced a dark path even worse!
Watch this spellcaster master put her soulless self right out to pasture,
'Cause as far as psychic Ravens go, you're less legit than Baxter!
Starfire: Oh, snap!
Raven: I'm dressed in white, but my mind's red with righteous rage;
I've more maturity than you when a decade's knocked off my age!
Twilight Sparkle: Um, yeah, I'm in this battle, too, so can I have that micro back?
Raven: Shut up and let me rant, you overused, recycled nag!
I brought the New Titans together, but I'm tearing you apart,
And I'd go Kano on your ass, but it's apparent you've no heart.
It's daytime T.V., and you've had your due five seasons and a film:
You and your fans should let it go; let your successor take the helm.
You may be modeled after me, but you were never my successor;
You're too Young to do me Justice, let alone become my better!
Whatever! I'm well-aware I make you want to flip your lid,
But quit clowning around, now, silly Raven: cartoons are for kids!
Well, keep your critic-trolling, wack morals and nonsense plots galore,
But you'll be always in my shadow, to be lifted nevermore!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!