Fear not the Future
“Cas, you’ve been sitting up here for the last two hours,” Dean whispered into the quiet of the room.
Castiel was leaning forward on the rocking chair, hands clasped beneath his chin as if in prayer or contemplation. Knowing Castiel it could be just as easily be both.
“Yes,” Castiel agreed.
“What are you doing?”
“Watching him sleep,” Castiel replied.
“You having your Mid-Century crisis or something?” Dean teased as he came into the room and sat on the floor at Castiel’s feet, leaning his back against Jasper’s toddler bed that was getting too small for him.
“No, that’s not due for another twenty years,” Castiel replied dryly.
“Then why are you returning to your stalkery tendencies?” Dean asked.
“You said that doesn’t apply when it is your own child,” Castiel quirked a brow.
Dean grinned with a shrug, “Yeah, well…”
“He’s beginning kindergarten tomorrow,” Castiel said suddenly.
“Ah, right. Big moment,” Dean nodded. “Not the first time we’ve sent a kid off to kindergarten, though.”
“Yes, but it will be the last,” Castiel said.
Dean winced, “Kinda blunt, but point.”
Castiel finally looked away from his contemplation of Jasper and met Dean directly in the eye, “I have a horrible feeling in my stomach. It is a twisting, rolling sensation that leads me to believe I am going to vomit at any given moment or head soaring into the clouds. It’s very uncomfortable and I wish for it to go away.”
Dean chuckled, “That’s called anxiety, Babe.”
“I do not like it.”
“No one likes it.”
“Well then it is a foolish and useless emotion.”
Dean could only nod his agreement. He was having a healthy dose of anxiety himself and wondered just when his children began growing up. Though he had yet to admit it, Dean had just come back from doing the much the same as Castiel in John’s room. The kid was fifteen already and was heading into high school. Dean thought kindergarten was bad enough, then angel school then middle school and now fucking high school. He’d be off the college soon and he’d be all grown up with a house and a family if Dean so dared as much as blinking.
Castiel had always been there, holding Dean’s hands through these big transition moments. Castiel had been the strong one for the last twenty years but now it was finally hitting the angel as well. Perhaps now that things have settled in Heaven and Castiel finally had the moments to let the less benevolent of parental emotion creep in. For whatever reason, Castiel’s anxiety had caught up to Dean’s and they were now the freaked as hell leading the freaked as hell.
“I have never loved any creature so wholly or so surely as I love these two boys Dean. Now I’m terrified they’re slipping away from us. Jasper was always more dependent on us than John. John had his moments but he also learned to watch out for himself at a young age. It is with great guilt that I realize we are responsible for that. Jasper though, we raised him differently. I feel… I feel as though I am letting a small bird fly for the first time when I know his wings are not yet fully developed. We aren’t going to be there Dean. What if…” Castiel looked down at his shoes and Dean saw guilt flash there, “what if he gets hurt? Or what if… What if he likes it too much?”
“Cas…” Dean said, quickly climbing to his knees and shuffling over until he knelt in front of the blue eyed man. Dean reached up and gripped Castiel’s shoulder’s tightly, catching his eye as he always did, “We aren’t going to lose him Cas. I promise. That kid worships the ground you and Johnny walk on. No way you’re getting rid of him that easily. A small taste of freedom isn’t going to mean he’s going to…” Dean groped for the word.
“Rebel?” Castiel offered up with bitter irony.
Dean smiled sadly, “Not quite what I was looking for.”
“I did Dean, the moment they let me leave the nest, the very second I had the opportunity. I hardly even contemplated it.”
“Cas, you tore yourself apart for months over the choices you made,” Dean retorted firmly.
Castiel shook his head, “I wrestled with it yes, but the thought of abandoning you to go back to them… I couldn’t bare it. I told you before, every decision I made, both good and bad had always been for you. The moment, the very second you were threatened I fought.”
“Cas, this isn’t going to be like back then,” Dean shook his head. “No use worrying about it, entirely different situation. But even if Jasper did find himself a righteous, broken though gorgeous man,” Dean flashed a cocky grin that earned him a smile from Castiel. “Even if that happened, he’s a Winchester, Cas and you know what that means. We don’t abandon our own, we only add to our numbers.”
“Yes, and you’ve done a remarkable job of it,” Castiel replied wryly, his eyes twinkling.
“Hell yeah! We doubled our numbers! Gonna take over the world soon, you just watch,” Dean winked.
Castiel smiled gently and cupped Dean’s face, “If you did, the world would be an extraordinary place.”
Dean blushed, “Dude, what have I told you about saying shit like that?”
“It’s true, Dean.”
Dean coughed then said, “You feeling better?”
“Yes, thank you, Dean,” Castiel nodded.
“Hey, it’s what I’m here for. You gave me two remarkable, brilliant, stunning boys and more love than a guy knows what to do with. The least I can do is cheer you up during your terrified-daddy-moments. I learned from the best after all,” Dean winked again.
Castiel looked puzzled, “I don’t understand.”
Dean chuckled, “You Cas, you’ve been teaching me more than you can imagine since the moment you pulled me out of Hell and even more than that since these two little monkeys came into our lives. Any time I got hit with exactly what you’re going through right now you were there in a second and were able to make it all go away. You’re pretty awesome you know… For a nerdy little dude with wings.”
“And you are the most spectacular human being I have ever encountered,” Castiel returned.
“Come here, you big sap,” Dean leaned up and Castiel leaned down and their lips met in a perfect, loving kiss.