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Your name is Sollux Captor. You are 6 sweeps old. You have the biggest fucking headache right now.
You sit up, rub your head. The place you’re in is so unfamiliar, but completely familiar at the same time.
It’s kind of a mindfuck.
Wherever you are, it’s been totally smashed. This isn’t your hive is it? You sure hope not.
But then you realize, it definitely isn’t your hive. But it is someone’s.
You wipe your mouth, a mixture of yellow blood, and yellow goo is smeared across your arm.
Oh god.
This isn’t happening.
You stand, wobbling on your feet and survey the area. Not a soul lingers.
The rubble is emitting a smoke, the once small hive, smashed to bits on the ground.
Where is she? Holy fucking shit. Where are you?!
You cry out, as loud as your coarse and sore voice will let you.
No answer.
You hope she is just unconscious. You hope she escaped into the woods, far away from you.
But you can see a small, grey, bloody hand, peeking out from beneath the rubble. Your heart drops, hits your stomach and bounces back up.
Oh god. Aradia…
In a dazed hurry, you use all your strength to push away the rocks, dragging her mangled body out.
Her face is blank, eyes closed, body cold as ice, covered in her maroon blood. Your heart stops.
You killed her.
Killed her.
You pull her up into your arms and hold her tight against your chest, chest racked with silent sobs. Your faint yellow tears wash some of the blood from your face.
I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. How could I…
You swallow down the large lump in your throat, and kiss the top of her head.
Aradia… come back.
Your name is Sollux Captor. You are 6 sweeps old. You have awoken from yet another startling nightmare.
It’s always the same.
Always about her.
Aradia.
You whisper softly, while the horns beneath you honk loud enough so that no one can hear, no one except Terezi. Terezi who looms over you, her usual smile replaced with a look of confusion.
You still love her.
She chirps loudly, almost annoyingly. You don’t bother arguing, it’s obvious; obvious to everyone except Feferi. The girl you’re playing.
They have the same lush hair. Aradia used to have that same smile, that happy smile. Not anymore.
You glance over at what has become of your precious Aradia. But it isn’t her, just a shell. A cold, metallic shell, that the horse obsessed stalker made for her.
You want to hate him. Hate the fact that she kissed him, him and not you.
But you can’t blame her. You did kill her after all.
Ignoring Terezi’s voice, you sulk back to your computer, slouched over at the desk and watch the pathetic humans. It’s boring, but it distracts you from your thoughts for long enough.
Eventually you find yourself dozing off again, succumbing to the darkness of sleep, the darkness of your memories.
Your name is Sollux Captor. Sleep has become a punishment, and reality is no escape either. You’re trapped. Doomed even, to feel things you don’t want to feel anymore.
You awake again, after the same vivid dreams.
Flashes of her bloody hand and broken body still dart across your eyelids when you blink.
You can hear her, hear her talking behind you. Talking to Kanaya you think. Not sure, everyone’s voice is a distant blur compared to hers.
And suddenly, you have a pair of slightly damp arms wrapped around your neck. Cold, fishy lips pressed against your cheek, and a ringing in your ears as the girl cries out loudly.
Hello Sollux~
Hey… Fef.
What’s wrong?! You seem a bit blue!
Nothing…
You’re hit with a pang of guilt and you sigh. Feferi gets the hint, you want to be alone. She leaves, although you know she doesn’t want to.
But you need her to leave. She’s too much for you right now.
Soon enough, you’re being messaged.
That oh so familiar sign flashes on your screen, and you click it, opening it. You expect a hate filled message.
But you don’t.
She just wants to talk, before she “goes”. She’s only two feet away, and this is sort of ridiculous.
You tell her that.
You tell her she hasn’t spoken to you.
You feel bad, so you let her talk.
She’s…apologizing?
A stab of pain fills your chest, but you mask it well.
And suddenly, just as sudden as she messaged you, she was hugging you tightly.
You want to hug her back, but your arms are being awkward. You realize this may be the last time you see her again.
But she’s letting go now. Her body shaking, and then she exploded. Right before your eyes.
Your name is Sollux Captor. The girl you love just exploded, you’re not sure you’ll see her again. You’re crying like a baby, and you don’t really care.
Hours and hours pass, and soon enough you’re asleep again.
Back at the hive that you destroyed.
Except this time, the girls in your arms moves as you kiss her forehead. Her arms come up around your neck and hug you tight.
I’m sorry…
You whisper again, though you’ve done this countless times in the dream, you know she can hear.
I know you are, Sol.
I didn’t deserve you… I killed you and…
You’re crying; you can’t bear to look at her, so you bury your face into the long hair that you love. Oh god do you love it.
Shh…. It’s okay, Sol, You didn’t mean to… it was her.
She’s moving out of your arms, and turning herself around, sitting in your lap. You wrap your arms around her.
She isn’t cold, she isn’t metallic. She isn’t even bloody; she’s just… warm, and pure and perfect. She has reached the god tier she so earned.
It’s a nice night.
She comments and you nod.
That night… I was so excited when I saw you coming. I guess I just didn’t know what was coming…
I’m sor-
No more apologizing! You didn’t mean to. I’m not mad, I’m just… happy. I’m alive now, Sol. You’re alive. We’re alive and we can be happy.
But you’re not going to be there…
I’ll come find you… I promise.
She turns her head to look up at you, a perfect smile on her face and you do the one thing you’ve wanted to do for so long.
Your name is Sollux Captor. You are 6 sweeps old. You killed the girl you loved, you watched her spend time with another man, and then watched her explode. You are now finally, finally, kissing her, and nothing has felt better. You are happy.