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The unfortunate use of words to describe porn-related male body parts in German language

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"Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?" he gasped, twirling hard nipples between strong fingers. "Would love me to shove my tail right up your ass, wouldn't you?" He pressed in, rubbing his stand against the other man's crotch.

"Uh. I'm not sure ..."

Reluctantly he pulled away a bit, scowling at his partner.

"I mean ... First time and all. Need to go slow. Fuck I really want you in me, but ... Can we ... Don't know ... Loose the cloths first?"

"Ah, I see. You wanna see my club. Wanna know what if looks like, fells like."

The other man nodded slowly already tugging on the shirt, rubbing against his hard tail hidden behind tight denim.

"Yeah, I guess ..."

He smiled, kissing the younger man hungrily, tearing cloths off the lean body, shoving him towards the bed.

"You make me so horny right now; I just can't wait to install my pipe. Stick it in there and have you squeeze the juice from my body with every push.    God! Get those fucking cloths off and get on your stomach. Gotta get in there or else I might just explode!" He smiled some more, seeing how the younger man reacted to his words, seeing his tail twitch in randy anticipation.  Slowly moving in on his prey he shoved the trousers down, his masculinity jumping out of its prison, sticking out towards the younger man, getting even bigger.

"Oh gosh. What a massive club!"

He grinned, swaying his hips.

"I'm going to plug your ass. Better get ready for me."

"Yes! Oh fuck, yes! I wanna feel your tail, wanna ride you until I shoot my load all over the pillows. Please ... Just get to it."

"Gladly!" He kneeled down on the bed, appreciating the body splayed out in front of him, taking in the sight of sweaty skin, a body quivering in anticipation. And it all was his, his alone. Oh, how his slat loved that trail of thoughts...

"I've got a wand", he panted. "And I'm gonna show you some magic! I'm gonna make you come so hard, you're gonna scream"

[Ending here for everyone's sake!]


***



I do stress again, that this was written to be probably the worst sex scene out there on purpose. The reason why I did it? To show some of my friends, why it might be that most Germans say they prefer English porn. What you witnessed here was a (already badly written) porn scene using the OTHER meaning of words, commonly used as synonyms for male body parts (actually just one part. I totally neglected their balls. whops)

So very much like cock, being another word for rooster as well as used in porn fic, most of the commonly used synonyms for the word "penis" have a very different meaning. Grown up in that language you would probably learn the non-sexual context first. So in many cases when I read them in a porn fic, my brain just totally loses the context of "sex" and "porn" and goes from "Hot and steamy" off to "irgs. Plain weird!" So the awful translation up there is really what my brain (and many of my fellow German's brains) would read when reading German porn. I do suspect that other people have the same issues in their first language (I know of a few, at least). Interestingly enough this does not seem to widely apply to English native speakers.

My all-time favorite really has to be "Schwanz" unfortunately it is the most-used word in porn fic with the most mundane meaning (tail). And every time I read it all hot and steamy is gone immediately and all I can see is a little doggie wagging its tail (alternately I might picture the character on hands and knees, "wagging their tail" and making little doggie noises ... ah ... no. NOT a thing of the hot and steamy variety.)

So there you have it. Really... so hard to understand that we prefer yours? ;)

Commonly used synonyms in German just for kicks:  

Schwanz - tail (prick)
Ständer - stand/rack (hard-on)
Latte - slat (boner)
Prügel - club (--)
Männlichkeit - masculinity (virility)
Rohr - pipe (rod)
Banane - Banana (--)
Zauberstab - Wand  (--)
Willie - Willie
Wiener - Weiner (Wiener in the strictest sense of being something to eat! Massive no-go!)

So, let's be honest ... Dick, cock, woody, hard-on and their friends are really the better option, aren't they?