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All the More Feels Indefinite

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“Computer: Engage privacy lock. Restrict incoming communication. I don’t want to be interrupted for anything less than red alert.”

There was a tightness to Kathryn’s voice: tired but restless. It matched the tension evident in her weary shoulders and the dark circles between her eyes and her cheekbones. Chakotay resisted the urge to reach out and massage her temples.

“Acknowledged. Privacy lock engaged. Communication restricted.”

The hollow voice of the ship’s computer echoed between them and Chakotay shifted his weight in uncertainty.

“Should I let you get some rest?”

The last thing Chakotay wanted was to leave but he knew better than to assume. This thing was balanced on the narrowest of threads, one mistake of phrasing or tone and it would come crashing down and shatter into a thousand pieces.

“I was rather hoping you’d stay.”

Kathryn’s mouth barely hinted at a smile but it was there in the timbre of her voice, cutting through the exhaustion.

“Of course.”

He nodded, eyes following her progress as she walked across the room, loosening her jacket before pulling it off.

“I’m going to take a quick shower.” Kathryn informed him, “Go ahead and make yourself at home, maybe replicate something.

“Good idea.” he felt a smile creep across his face, “I don’t remember the last time either of us ate an actual meal. It must have been a few days.”

Kathryn chuckled, before disappearing through the bedroom door en route to the bathroom. He resisted offering to help scrub her back, figuring if she wanted company in there she would have suggested it. Maybe someday, Chakotay couldn’t help hoping.

He had no right, but he could never resist hoping, not when it came to Kathryn. Besides, this was more than he’d had of her a few months ago. Who was to say that in the future there wouldn’t be still more forward progress.

Chakotay programmed the replicator and stripped down to his undershirt, carefully setting his uniform jacket and turtleneck over the back of the couch, casual but not presumptive. Feeling a bit stiff himself after the last few days stress and exertion, he sat down to stretch a little.

Crossing his legs, he extended his arms out in front of him, extending his back and neck forward until he was flat against the carpet. The stretch felt good; he definitely hadn’t been running holotraining programs enough recently. You can’t afford to let yourself go he told himself.

“You know you are awfully limber for such a large person.”

Chakotay had failed to hear Kathryn re enter the living space, but now he looked up to find her staring down at him, toweling her hair off as she stood there, her light pink robe clinging to her suggestively in strategic spots. He wondered whether the effect was intentional and if she was aware of exactly how she looked like this.

“Good habits are easier to maintain than to take up.” he replied noncommittally, pushing himself up with his hands to stand and face her, “the replicator is set to go.”

“The replicator can wait.” Kathryn said decisively, as though she hadn’t told him to prep something.

Chakotay didn’t mind, though. Not with her standing in front of him looking like that, his fierce leader so small and soft and feminine in the privacy of her quarters. It was only very recently that she had taken to intentionally letting him see her like this, barefoot and perhaps not unguarded but with less of a defensive barrier than usual. Before, even when she’d let him near physically, she’d remained pinned in, keeping as much business between them as possible.

“And just what is the replicator waiting for?” Chakotay pressed his lips together, unable to conceal the grin overtaking it.

“Don’t go getting cheeky with me now, Commander.” Kathryn tsked with a laugh, raising an eyebrow and grabbing him by the front of his shirt to guide him backwards into her bedroom.

Chakotay followed her willingly, letting her push him down onto the bed. Kathryn untied and slipped out of her robe, before leaning over him to divest him of his shirt. He gazed up at her, taking in the sight of her pale slender curves. He was unbelievably grateful Kathryn had gradually decided to let herself be naked in front of him.

He ran his hands over her breasts and felt her shudder, breath catching, as his fingers rubbed against her taut sensitive nipples. Chakotay backed off, placing his hands over the undersides of her breasts instead. He’d discovered that when Kathryn was too on edge it discomforted as much as pleasured her for him to touch certain spots directly. These last few days they’d begun things only to be interrupted more than once, and Chakotay appreciated the knowledge that it had her worked into such a state.

He moved his hands to her hips, guiding them forward and forcing her to abandon her work at getting his pants open. She willingly took up the hint, gripping the headboard with her hands as she wrapped her legs around his head, her neck falling back as she let out a sigh of relief as his lips closed around her clit.

His hands gently traced the smooth soft skin between her hipbones as he kept his tongue pressed firmly against her clit, recalling that when she was like this Kathryn couldn’t stand being teased but required constant soft stimulation to get past the wall of buildup. He sucked slowly, patiently, barely moving his tongue and paying close attention to her breath and the way she ground her hips into his face.

She’d told him there was no point, initially. She’d never managed to get off from it so it wasn’t a solution, not when what could was out of the question. Did it hurt to try? He’d almost dared her. After all how much more tightly wound could she possibly get? She could always kick him out and finish things herself, after all. Unless of course, she disliked it.

Kathryn shook violently when she finished that first night, crying out with such abandon he hoped no one was in the next room at the time. He left her gasping and still panting and managed to escape to his quarters without running into anyone, fortunate given the condition he was in.

This time Kathryn went from barely breathing to toe curling intense moans after a long while but with almost no transition. He didn’t mind the wait but relished the payoff. She shuddered and writhed against him at last, completely letting go of restraint.

He kept licking until she pulled away, walking her hands down his chest as she shifted back to the task of his pants. Like her nakedness, Kathryn’s move to initiate something reciprocal had been a gradual thing. He’d made it clear at the start that he didn’t expect it, but over time she’d become more and more assertive and insistent. It’s only right had transitioned to I want to.

Her hands made quick work of the rest of his clothing; she settled herself, kneeling over him, with one knee on either side of his legs. One of Kathryn’s hands rested against his thigh, while the other wrapped around his erection, running firmly along its length.

He was never sure exactly where to fix his eyes, whether to watch the hand that felt so good, or enjoy the sight of her body, or look at the complete focus on her face. He must have settled on her face at that moment though, because he didn’t realize she’d shifted her hips forward, until her body came right up against his cock. He could feel her warm and slick against him suddenly.

“I think about it a lot.” she almost whispered, without introduction or inquiry, “I make these personal rules and maybe they are arbitrary. Maybe I just need some line in the sand and it doesn’t really matter what that line is, just that I have it. Where did I get the notion that your face, your lips and your tongue, that was okay and yet…” Kathryn let out a groan, grinding herself against him, and it took every inch of willpower Chakotay had to keep his hips in place.

“Kathryn…” he murmured, trying to slow his racing pulse as her smooth hand pressed against one side of his erection and the other was rubbed against her opening.

She ran her thumb over the tip of his cock and he bit his lip to hold still.

“I never ask you what you want, Chakotay.” she said suddenly, like she wanted him to tell her please yes.

“I thought it was obvious.” he swallowed.

“I’m not so sure anymore. I believe I’ve lost perspective.”

She didn’t stop rubbing against him, though.

“I’ll take what you want to give, give what you are open to accept. No more. No less.”

It was an evasion but it wasn’t a lie. He wished for her to share the depths of his emotions for her, to be consumed by him as utterly and entirely as he was her. He didn’t want anything that was just for his sake, just because he wanted it, though. He’d rather have scraps of genuine desire than something forced into the shape of more.

“But will it satisfy you? Will it be too much? Too little? I don’t want you sacrificing, suffering, enduring, for me, Chakotay… not like that.”

There was an urgency to her voice and her movements, leaving no room for doubt as to the strength of this impulse. He wondered how long she’d been thinking this, hesitating. Chakotay wasn’t sure what to say that won’t be too much or too little for the moment.

“Whatever is real… that’s enough.” he finally managed, reaching forward to run his hands down her thighs.

“This is real.” Kathryn almost hissed, shifting her hips even so slightly, “I don’t know what else it is or can be… but it is definitely real.”

Chakotay had imagined what it would be like for Kathryn to slide down on him, to take him completely. He’d spent far too much time thinking about it, and yet the reality was overwhelming.

“Oh spirits, Kathryn.” Chakotay groaned, grabbing hold of her hips and trying to hold her still before she robbed him completely of the last of his control.

She ignored him, rocking against him harder and squeezing and Chakotay felt himself losing the battle utterly and completely. He couldn’t stop, couldn’t hold back, not with Kathryn riding him like this. She groaned and he felt himself shoot into her, balls tightening and body tensing.

From the look of surprise on her face, Kathryn hadn’t quite realized what he was trying to tell her and Chakotay couldn’t quite believe he’d lost control like an inexperienced kid.

“Oh Kathryn, I’m sorry… I-” Chakotay could feel his face flush with embarrassment.

“You did try to warn me.” she laughed, shaking her head.

“Obviously, this isn’t how-”

He couldn’t even finish his sentence. Chakotay prided himself on being skillful and generous in bed and Kathryn was the last person he would ever have wanted to fail to live up to that with.

“Relax, Chakotay. You don’t have to prove anything.” Kathryn reached down and traced the outline of his face with her fingers. It was a tender gesture, one that soothed his wounded ego.

“But that’s just it… I want to.” Chakotay wanted her to know that wasn’t typical, even after as long as it had been. He’d just been taken by surprise, taken by surprise and then there was the whole business of how utterly and completely we wanted this woman… this woman he’d just managed to humiliate himself with.

“Well then. Relax and take a nap and you can do your proving later. We aren’t due back on duty for a full twenty four hours.”

Kathryn winked at him playfully, easing the tension. She wasn’t changing her mind, if anything she was doubling down.

He nodded, running his hands over her spine, “One condition, let me apologize first.”

“Apologize?” Kathryn looked skeptical.

Chakotay moved one of his hands around her waist to the front of her body, drifting down and running over her clit.

“Oh…” she groaned, “Apologize. Yes, by all means....”

He flipped them over, placing one hand on each of her thighs as he settled himself between them. He could feel Kathryn tremble in anticipation. He ran his tongue along her inner thigh, slow and lingering as he tasted where his release had run downwards.

Kathryn dug her fingers into his hair, hips pressing up to encourage him to make contact. Her eyes were locked onto his, a stark contrast from the first time he’d done this, kneeling in front of her couch fully clothed with the top half of her uniform still on and her face pressed against her own shoulder, unable to even meet his face with her own.

He ran his tongue along her opening before moving it to her clit. Kathryn was feeling particularly verbal now, moaning and sighing with every move he made. She’d clearly been very worked up by the time she’d given in to the urge to possess him and if he’d been able to hold it together for anything resembling a reasonable amount of time she would have climaxed around him quickly. Now, having already finished once and then having been interrupted by his lack of control, she was likely to need more than usual to push her past the edge.

That was fine. Apparently he had time, though it had not escaped him that Kathryn had tacitly invited him to sleep in her bed. Another boundary lifting. He wasn’t going to do that until he’d satisfied her, though; after all, that was the entire pretext for this situation.

Kathryn’s hands dropped to her sides; her legs lay heavy over his shoulders; she tensed and relaxed and tensed and relaxed, and when she finally came it wasn’t with a cry but with a choked whimper, legs thrashing suddenly before going still. Chakotay felt his balls ache in response, drained but longing to meet her desire with his own.

Instead, he moved one of his hands inward, pressing one finger inside of her and Kathryn thrust her hips forward into the contact. He kept the pressure of his mouth constant as he curled his finger against her front wall until she clenched hard around him before going limp.

“When you said nap…” he couldn’t help grinning as he propped himself up into a sitting position.

“I’ll warn you, I’ve been told I’m a blanket thief.” she smirked, but somehow Chakotay sensed that the teasing tone masked a lingering uncertainty. “I guess I’m easily cold.”

“Well…” he replied, as he repositioned himself beside her, drawing the blankets up over them as she burrowed herself into the space under his arm, “I’ve been told I’m a virtual furnace.”

“There’s no doubt about that.” Chakotay could hear the contentment in Kathryn’s voice, “You might as well be a radiator.”

“Just for you.”

Chakotay wasn’t sure he said out loud. If he did, he didn’t remember getting a response, which was probably for the best. He hadn’t asked Kathryn what this change meant to her and she hadn’t volunteered that information. It was possible that for her this transition was just a more complete fulfillment of what they’d agreed to, comfort and release and the reality of both of their need for the full range of human contact.

He could be that… they could be that, Chakotay assured himself. If that’s what she needed that’s what he’d be.

He didn’t remember falling asleep, but he awoke wrapped around Kathryn’s body, his arm slung over her, having shifted into spooning position at some point while they were asleep. Kathryn shifted, reacting to the change in his breathing as he regained consciousness consciousness; she sleepily twisted around in his arms, turning to face him.

“I don’t have to ask if you are feeling rested.” she grinned, running one hand between them to run along the length of his arousal.

He ran his hand along her side to her hip and then down between her legs. Kathryn took her free hand and placed it over his, helping to guide him to touch her.

“It seems as though I’m not the only one.” Chakotay agreed, circling his thumb against her clit, “Do you want to pick up where we left off?”

“I was counting on that whole proving something to me business.” she admitted, swinging one leg over him and straddling his hips as she used leverage on his shoulder to guide him onto his back, “Think you can handle me now?”

In response he reached up and guided her hips down against him, until the head of his cock was pressed against her. Kathryn pressed both palms down against his chest and lowered herself down onto him. This time, she paused when she had him completely inside of her, letting out a long sigh, shoulders relaxing in his hands.

Chakotay sat up against her, wrapping his arms firmly around her, and thrusting up into her, and they both moaned. He sucked against the pulse point at the base of her neck and Kathryn ground her hips into him slowly.

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to be careful.” he whispered in her ear, “Take what you want how you want.”

Kathryn wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned back, giving him an astounding view of her body working around him as she let out a cry of enjoyment with every rotation of her hips.

Chakotay reached out and cupped her breasts, and she pressed them into the contact, moving her hips harder and faster. Her breathing started to get shallow and before long he felt her clench and tighten around him with a groan.

“Show me…” she breathed, collapsing back onto the bed and pulling him down above her.

He moved his mouth down to capture one of her nipples, nipping at it lightly and causing her to moan in response, before grabbing hold of both of her thighs and pressing as deep and hard inside of her as he could manage.

As his lips trailed back up to her neck, her nails dug into the back of his in encouragement, hips pressing up to meet each of his thrusts as he wrapped his arms around her, hands coming to a rest against her shoulder blades and pulling her closer against him. Kathryn groaned and ground into the contact.

The full body contact of them wrapped around one another was overworldly and Chakotay couldn’t quite settle on where he wanted to put his hands on her most.

“Like this?” he groaned, keeping his movements short, deep, and strong.

“Harder.” she gasped, and he moved his hands back to her hips to control the way they came together more completely, rewarded when she let out a cry of intense pleasure and squeezed harder around him, “Yes. There.”

Of course, she wanted just the angle that made it hardest for him to control himself. Chakotay released one of her hips in order to move his hand between them, losing a little of the body contact in favor of rubbing the heel of his palm against her pelvic mound.

With every movement her breasts rubbed up against his chest and she gave a little sigh. He could feel her getting close and prayed that she would finish before he had to change things up or lose control again.

Not a movement too soon he felt her clamp down around him and he flipped them back over so that she was above him once more, changing the pace and angle in order to keep from following suit. He was pretty convinced that this was going to become a regular occurrence, but he didn’t want to let this first time go… not yet.

Kathryn leaned back, anchoring her hands on his chest so that the palms rubbed against his nipples and he watched the muscles of her stomach lengthen and contract as she worked her body over him.

Chakotay ran his hands over her rib cage, stomach, and hips before bringing them to come to rest against the curve of her ass. She raked her nails down his chest lightly, speeding up the movement of her hips against him.

“Point made…” she groaned, as he angled his hips up so that his body rubbed against her clit with every movement she made, “We fit together as though this was planned.”

Chakotay knew Kathryn didn’t believe in fate or destiny, but it invigorated him for her to admit the uncanny feeling of something more than coincidence between them that he always sensed.

He gave in to the momentum of the moment, both of their movements increasing gradually in speed, along with their breath, until they were both panting and gasping for air and with one final squeeze around him Kathryn sent him plummeting into release. Chakotay felt Kathryn gasp and clench harder around him as she reacted to the rush of warmth.

She stayed there, perched over him, their eyes meeting, for a good long while before she seemed to remember herself.

“Better?” he asked with a smile intended to draw a giggle from her.

“Better.” she quirked her face into one of those crooked smiles he found so enchanting on her face.

Kathryn leaned down and Chakotay thought perhaps she was going to rest her head against his shoulder or kiss his cheek, a friendly gesture of appreciation and fondness. She didn’t turn her face to the side, though, and oh so suddenly her lips were on his, placing a slow lingering kiss on his mouth.

Chakotay was surprised once again, and it took a moment for his lips to press back into hers, parting to open his mouth to her. Kathryn’s hands ran through his hair as she explored his mouth thoroughly, apparently having decided that was another boundary that had outlived its usefulness.

In a moment like this, Chakotay could almost believe that one day she would let them all go to reveal what he’d longed to find inside of her all this time. He could almost believe that she could and would love him. Then she drew back, chuckled and crawled off him to walk over and recover her robe.

“What do you say to dinner for breakfast?” she suggested casually, as though she kissed him every day rather than this having been the first time her lips had found his.

“Well, we are in space so it could just as easily be noon or midnight.” he shrugged, reaching for his pants.

He did not ask her whether a meal after sex constituted a date. He did not ask her whether that sex had been just sex to her or something more. He did not walk over and wrap his arms around her, pressing her against the wall with a bruising kiss.

She smiled though, and there was a looseness to her limbs as she walked barefoot into the living area and he followed her out towards the replicator. Even the circles under her eyes had faded somewhat. Their hands met as they both reached out to the replicator and she intertwined her fingers with his, a reassuring squeeze before her hand dropped to her side.

“I’ll let you do the honors.” Kathryn laughed, “Since this thing hates me.”

Her expression was soft, relaxed and comfortable. Chakotay took solace in knowing that he’d had a part in the shift in her state. He couldn’t be sure how Kathryn regarded this thing between them, but he found it rewarding to be able to make her life better in any way he could. The fact that the way he could involved direct pleasure for him as well, obviously that was a bonus.

Still, he hoped one day he wouldn’t have to swallow his words around Kathryn to make her more comfortable. One day, Chakotay wanted not to hold back but to express exactly what she meant to him, knowing it would make Kathryn happy to hear it.