Work Text:
It's afternoon in the Plaza and I have already skibbled up the corridor and tried all the doors and found a ribbon and lost my skate key but it's not yet four so I think I will pour a pitcher of water down the mail chute
I take the elevator up to the twelfth floor and get off and zap down to the eighth and get back on and say "Lobby, please" and I get off at the Lobby and zoot back up to third and get back on and say "Top floor but one, please" and when we get there I get off and go to the stairs again
And oh my Lord
there is a boy there in shorts and a red striped shirt
so I say to this boy "Hello I am me ELOISE"
and he says "Valiant Spaceman Spiff has been spotted by a Zog!"
which was rawther unusual
I drew my Atomic Blaster just to be on the safe side
We take evasive action by hiding in Johanna's trolley with all the pillow cases and taking the Service Elevator down and running through the Opera Room and tip-toeing through the Persian Room where Bill scares them with his double bass
Which we can play too actually
Then there is an EXIT sign, so we had to go and see if there was a mattress to rest on
Oh my lord hiding from Zogs is terribly tiring
We go to the Lobby and try calling Mars on the House Phones but no one was there so we try with paper cups instead which works better but the Martians were not picking up so maybe the Zogs had tapped the line
Then we were rawther hungry so we went to the Oak Room
Here's what we had
a broken mint
Here's what we didn't have
a tiger
And here's the thing of it
tigers are very important things to have
So we go back to the Lobby and there was Mister Salomone, so I say "Good afternoon, Mister Salomone"
And he says "Good afternoon, Eloise"
And I say "Have you seen a tiger in the Plaza, Mister Salomone?"
And he says, "There are no tigers in the Plaza, Eloise"
And I don't say anything because it is important to use the French politesse which is to be polite if you possibly can
Then we have to go down to the Boiler Room to see if the tiger is there
His name is Hobbes
We take the elevator up to sixth and get on the service elevator and take it down to the Basement and then we go down the stairs but the door is locked locked locked
Even though we blast it for a long time with our blasters
Which are rawther ineffective
The boy says, "This is a job for STUPENDOUS MAN"
Here's what we didn't have
a crimson cape and cowl
Here's what we did have
a moral victory
The boy asks if there are cats in the hotel so I tell him how I have a dog that looks like a cat
His name is Weenie
Then we are detectives and sneak about looking for clues especially in plant pots and under rugs and through open doors where we pretend to be lost orphans so they won't know we're detectives and will give us a piece of fruit, maybe
And we get off on the seventh floor and skiddle all down one corridor and up the next, making lots of noise and banging on all the doors and we ask everybody we see if they have seen a tiger in the hotel
They are rawther concerned
Then we go up to the top floor and find that Hobbes has been having tea with Weenie and Nanny and Skipperdee who is a turtle
He likes tea and raisins
And then we have to scratch their backs for an hour
except Nanny because she was wearing her corset
We sang the tiger song, all eight verses
And one more for luck
I tell Hobbes how we tried to buy a Siberian Tiger in Moscow but they were sold out and the boy says "You can't buy tigers"
And I say "Why not, please and thank you?"
And he says, "You have to capture them, with rope and bait"
and it turns out tigers like tuna fish
So I pick up the telephone and call Room Service and they always say "Yes, Eloise?"
And I always say "Hello, this is me ELOISE and would you kindly send two dozen fresh dolphin-friendly tuna sandwiches on white not rye and a napkin to the top floor and charge it please
Thank you very much"
And we were going to use them as bait
But then we discover the pigeon in the bathroom is a stooge for the Zogs so we have to shoo him away and
oh my Lord
that took forever and ever and then some
And anyway Hobbes ate them all
Then we build a Brain-Displace-a-Tron out of a cardboard box and a colander
A colander makes a good hat
We swap my brain and Hobbes's brain for a bit and I roar and Nanny said that is quite loud loud loud
So then we swap Nanny and Hobbes's brain instead
Nanny is rawther surprised but she likes her stripes and Hobbes likes his corset which he says is very fitting and a hit with all the ladies.
Then there is a woman in the corridor yelling "CALVIN"
and the boy says, "That's my mom"
and there is a man in the corridor yelling "CALVIN"
and the boy says, "That's my dad"
and everyone is yelling "CALVIN"
and the boy says, "That's me"
So I say "How do you do?" and "Au revoir" which is French for see ya and the boy goes off with his tiger and his mom and his dad into the elevator and down down down as Nanny would say
And that is when I remember that we have not swapped them back yet
But Nanny is rawther good at being a tiger, and tigers are rawther good at being a Nanny, don't you know?
Oooooooooo I absolutely love tigers
Now about that mail chute