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In Which Loki Turns the Avengers into Animals Because He Can (Or How Darcy Lost Babysitting Privileges)

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Fury was too old for this shit. He rubbed the bridge of his nose in an effort to avoid looking at the Avengers.

“Don’t even think about it, Barton,” Coulson said suddenly. Fury uncovered his eye to see Clint pouting from his perch on the bookcase. And the fact that Fury could tell Clint was pouting was disturbing on so many levels.

“Barton! Just because you are a cute and cuddly woodland creature now does not mean you get to act like some goddamn hooligan.” Fury stared at the flying squirrel known as Clint until he scurried down the bookcase to sit on Thor’s back.

Thor wagged his tail so hard when Fury looked at him that Clint almost went flying off the golden retriever. Fury couldn’t contain his snort of amusement when Steve, now a sloth, picked Clint up off of Thor’s back and placed him gently on the ground next to a miffed Tony.

Even though Tony couldn’t talk, his displeasure at being a bunny was quite clear. Especially since he was a ridiculously fluffy white bunny. Even being a brown bunny would have been better. He looked like the bunny every little girl wanted to cuddle. Not so good for his ego.

Clint pulled on one of Tony’s floppy ears, leading to an angry rabbit chasing a delighted squirrel around Fury’s office. Only the darkening expression on Fury’s face kept Thor from joining in. Instead, he plopped his butt on the ground, tail wagging in excitement.

The chase ended abruptly when Natasha, who’d become a sleek black cat, smacked Tony in the head with her paw before pouncing on Clint and picking him up by his neck with her teeth to carry him over to Coulson. Steve scooped Tony up and held him until he stopped struggling to go after Clint.

“Do we know how long they’ll be stuck like this?” Fury asked Coulson.

The agent shook his head, and reached down to flip Bruce right side up. He’d gotten on his back somehow, and as a turtle had no little difficulty in trying to right himself.

“Loki did indicate it wasn’t permanent, but beyond that we flying blind.” He absently petted Thor’s head when the god turned dog nosed at his hand. “We’ve got people working on a cure.”

Natasha watched as Clint snuck onto the chair behind Tony and Steve.

“Good. Get them home and do not leave them unsupervised for any reason.” Fury raised his voice to be heard over Tony’s scream as Clint divebombed the rabbit.

Coulson nodded and leaned down to pick up Clint and Tony. Fury opened the door, seeing as Coulson’s hands were full of squabbling Avengers. Thor, Natasha, and Steve followed sedately behind Coulson as he exited the office.

“Fucking Loki,” Fury said as he let the door shut. A sharp pinch on his shin had him looking down to see a turtle glaring at him. “Sorry, Dr. Banner,” Fury said, opening the door for him.

*

“Can I see them?” Darcy squealed as soon as she saw Coulson coming. Thor ran over and skidded to a stop in front of Darcy, tongue lolling as she scratched behind his ears.

Natasha wound around Darcy’s legs and purred when Darcy stroked her. Tony’s nose twitched at the sound. Clint bit Tony’s paw that was covering his face. Coulson did nothing as Tony kicked Clint out of his arms, just raised an eyebrow at Clint’s angry chattering.

Steve looked at Tony with the most disappointed face a sloth was capable of. Which wasn’t so much disappointed as it was sleepy. Tony stuck his nose up at the look and curled up in the crook of Coulson’s arm.

“I’ll babysit,” Darcy said with Natasha curled up in her arms, purring contentedly as Darcy scratched her chin. Coulson nodded, relieved, even if his face didn’t show it. He leaned down to put Tony on the ground, but the bunny clung to him. Thor barked in amusement as Cloulson shook the bunny out of his arms.

“Stark, behave.” Coulson strode out of the room, pausing at the door to tell Darcy to get a car to take her and her menagerie to the mansion.

*

“What is this?” Fury asked a sheepish Darcy the next morning as he played a youtube video of adorable animal shenanigans, otherwise known as the Avengers having an all out brawl. Not that animal brawls were particularly vicious. Not the point.

Thor barked when he saw himself on screen chasing a pissed off Natasha through the living room. Fury growled and Thor laid down and covered his eyes with his paws.

“Stark, stop!” Coulson snapped as Tony attempted to flip Bruce onto his back. Tony ignored Coulson until he was picked up. He opened his mouth, prepared to bite Coulson, until the agent flicked his nose. Tony shut his mouth in shock. Darcy giggled and Clint chattered excitedly as he clambered down from his perch on Coulson’s shoulder to boop Tony on the nose in the same place he’d been flicked.

Tony managed to bite Clint before Coulson dumped them both on a chair. Natasha padded over to the chair where Tony and Clint were still wrestling, sat on the arm rest, and stared at them until they stopped. She then turned to Fury, waiting for him to speak.

“While it’s clear the team cannot be left unsupervised, it’s also become clear that some of the supervisors need to be supervised as well.” Fury glanced at Darcy. “Coulson, you are to remain at the mansion with the Avengers until they are returned to normal. Miss Lewis, you are to help Agent Coulson with this task and if I hear about anymore videos ending up on the internet you will be fired. Am I clear?”

Darcy nodded. “Crystal, sir.”

“Good. Now get them home before they wreck my office.”

*

Bruce was undoubtedly the easiest to take care of. As long as he had access to food and water he would entertain himself and not get into trouble.

Unfortunately, Bruce was the only one who didn’t get into trouble.

Oh sure, Natasha attempted to stay out of the way, but she ended up scratching Tony, Thor, and Clint more than once. Steve had the right idea in avoiding pissing her off.

Steve tried to keep the others under control, but sloths don’t exactly scream “listen to me or suffer my wrath.” Especially when they’ve been stuffed into a Captain America children’s costume by a persistent Darcy. Steve could only be grateful to Fury for forbidding Darcy from putting pictures of the Avengers on the internet.

Thor was partial to fetch. As long as someone was throwing things for him to retrieve, he was content and they didn’t have to worry about him.

Tony and Clint. Well. It seemed that without a way to make snarky comments they defaulted to biting each other. Or divebombing in Clint’s case. It mostly amused Coulson and Darcy, so they didn’t try too hard to prevent the scuffles. Plus, if they went on too long, Steve would reach over and pick Tony up and hold him to his chest. And the sight of a sloth cuddling a bunny was ridiculously precious and even Coulson found it adorable, though it would take severe torture to get him to admit it. (Darcy may have taken a picture of said cuddling and set it as her phone’s background. Just because the internet couldn’t have adorable Avenger animals didn’t mean Darcy couldn’t have them.)

*

“C’mon, Coulson. They need to get out of the mansion. A walk in the park would be good for them.” Darcy’s attempts to get Coulson to change his mind were failing, but he did give her points for her persistence.

“And what happens when you bring home an actual squirrel instead of Barton?” asked Coulson, ignoring the irritated squeaks coming from Clint at the question.

“Umm…he wouldn’t let us forget him?”

Coulson raised an eyebrow and steeled himself before looking at the Avengers.

“No,” he said, resolutely ignoring the pleading looks thrown his way. It was difficult, Coulson wasn’t immune to puppy eyes and Thor’s were particularly effective, but he managed to walk away without giving in. Mission accomplished.

*

“This is such a bad idea. I’m so getting fired,” Darcy muttered as she opened the door to her car and lifted the smaller Avengers in. Thor just licked her face as he leaped over Bruce into the backseat.

The team was surprisingly well-behaved on the way to the park. Darcy anticipated heinous shenanigans would occur as soon as she opened the door for them.

When they got to the park, Darcy opened the door and everyone leaped out except for Bruce. Darcy just scooped him up in her arms and followed the others.

“You’re gonna stick with me tonight, slowpoke.”

*

Somehow they wound up at the playground.

Darcy wished there was better lighting so she could take pictures. Tony had wanted to swing, but he couldn’t get up on it. After several amusing attempts at jumping onto the swing, Steve had wandered over and picked Tony up placing him on it. Now he was gently rocking the swing back and forth, Tony’s eyes starting to droop.

Natasha was curled up around Clint and Bruce, her eyes following Thor as he ran around sniffing, well, everything.

It was nice.

“Having fun?” a voice came from behind Darcy. She whipped around, hands reaching into her bag for her taser.

It was Coulson.

“It was an accident?” Darcy tried as Thor ran up to Coulson, nearly knocking the man over in excitement.

Coulson shook his head and scratched Thor behind the ears.

“I’d be more likely to believe a man in a blue box kidnapped you, than you accidentally bringing them to the park.”

“Was that a Doctor Who reference? Coulson, you impress me.” Darcy grinned. “And, because we are both Whovians, we can ignore this little transgression and go home and watch reruns. I bet you’re a Nine fan. I’m partial to Eleven myself.”

Tony had jumped off the swing during their conversation, giving Steve a heart attack, and finally made his way to Darcy and Coulson. He pawed pathetically at Coulson’s leg until the older man rolled his eyes and picked up the bunny. Darcy cooed and bent to pick up Bruce, Clint already scrambling onto Thor’s back.

“To the mansion?” asked Darcy, holding out her arm for Coulson to link his with. He frowned at her and started walking. Darcy dropped her arm with a huff and muttered about stubborn agents all the way to her car.

*

“Miss Lewis. I’m beginning to think you have a problem with authority.”

Darcy swallowed, avoiding Fury’s eye.

“Not really? I mean. Could you resist six sets of puppy eyes, even if only one is actually a dog?” Darcy looked at Fury’s glare. “Well, okay. Maybe you could. I, however, cannot. So blame them.” Darcy gestured to the Avengers who were currently looking very contrite on Fury’s floor.

Well. They were contrite until Tony bite Steve’s side.

Steve flinched and hit Natasha hard in the head, and then she hissed and swiped at Steve. Unfortunately, she missed and clawed Thor instead. He howled in pain, and started to climb to his feet.
He stepped on Bruce. So then Bruce was biting everything that came within reach, mostly Tony. The rabbit made angry squeaks (which really were more adorable than angry) and kept swatting at Bruce’s head. Eventually they all ended up in a writhing pile, biting and scratching anything they could reach.

Except Clint. He was sitting on Fury’s bookcase again and chattering excitedly.

Darcy’s hand was over her mouth, stifling giggles. Coulson looked suspiciously amused. And Fury?

Well he looked ready to shoot someone. Or five currently fluffy someones.

“Barton, no!” snapped Coulson as Clint dove off the bookcase.

Clint really should have listened.

While he was airborn, a burst of energy emitted from the Avengers, knocking everyone in the room back a few steps.

“Shit!” yelped Clint before he landed on top of the other Avengers. There was a crack.

“That didn’t sound good,” said Darcy, covering her eyes, but she peered through her fingers when she realized there were naked Avengers on the floor. Superheroes had the best bodies and she wasn’t going to miss an opportunity to ogle.

“Who’s dick is touching me?” a disgruntled Tony asked, head poking out from under Thor’s arm.

“Sorry,” muttered Bruce, who quickly extracted himself from the pile and looked around for something to cover his body with. Coulson handed him his jacket. Bruce mumbled a “thanks” and sat down on one of the chairs.

“What is that? Oh, I am so sorry!” Steve yelped as he accidentally brushed against Natasha’s breast. Darcy could see his blush and was a little disappointed Thor’s body kept her from seeing how far down the blush went. Then again, Thor’s body was a fantastic sight.

“It’s fine Steve,” Natasha said, shoving Thor off of her and standing up. She walked over to Darcy and stood there, unconcerned with her nudity. Darcy took off her plaid shirt, leaving her in just a camisole, and handed it to Natasha.

“I think Steve may have a heart attack if you don’t cover up,” she muttered and Natasha laughed before putting the shirt on.

Fury used the intercom to have someone bring spare clothing for the team, even though Tony and Thor insisted it was no big deal and they could just walk through SHIELD naked. Darcy nodded her agreement, but stopped when Fury’s glare turned to her. She was still hoping to avoid getting fired today.

Once the Avengers were all fully clothed (Steve was still blushing and refused to look Natasha in the eye), Fury kicked them out of his office. They stopped by medical to get everyone checked out. Clint had cracked a rib when he landed on Thor, but that was the only injury.

“Right. I think we need to have movie night tonight and not Friday,” Darcy said suddenly. Everyone turned to frown at her except Natasha. She just raised an eyebrow and Darcy explained, “I think you guys will want to see the awesome footage I got of these really adorable animals doing all sorts of adorable things.”

Thor nodded happily in agreement, eager to see if he had been a mighty creature. The others weren’t as enthused. Clint grabbed Darcy’s phone out of her hand and started running down the hall.

“Hey! Fucker.” Darcy ran after Clint yelling inventive insults that had even Tony looking impressed.

“It’s good to be human again.” Steve said, smiling fondly at Darcy and Clint. Darcy had caught Clint when he tripped over a junior agent and was tickling him mercilessly.

The others made noises of agreement and went to collect the squabbling pair before heading home.

*

“Why is Coulson holding me?” Tony sounded traumatized and everyone burst out laughing at the look of horror on his face. “No, seriously guys, this is a problem. I don’t understand. Why is Coulson holding me?”

~fin