Clint considered it top secret information no one would be able to get out of him even if they resorted to torture or threatened to sic Natasha on him, but the knowledge that Agent Phil Coulson had a sweet tooth was simply too valuable to let just anyone know. Hell, when he’d first found out he’d been sure that it was a trick or something. After all it was Coulson he’s talking about, Clint hardly expected the man to unbend enough to show he was capable of other human expressions than ‘blandly calm’ much less that he had such an exploitable human weakness.
Well other than his odd liking of reality shows like the Supernanny thing. Everyone knew about his threats to Tony Stark. Some enterprising agent had caught one on an open com and managed to record it and then distributed it to anyone who expressed an interest and offered bribes of coffee. Clint had jerked off to that low threatening voice so often he’d developed a tendency to get half-hard anytime he heard Coulson say ‘taze’, which considering how often Coulson had to deal with Stark… Clint ended up suffering from blue balls more often than he‘d like.
His increased interest regarding Coulson had led to that bit of info on Coulson’s weakness for sweets. Not that Clint was stalking Coulson or anything. Okay, so he was but he would deny it to his dying breath since no one had caught onto him yet. Although Fury kept giving him the hairy eyeball which made Clint think he suspected something.
Doughnuts were a given but the man also liked cookies, brownies, and every kind of café pastry. Pretty much the only food that Clint had seen him turn down as a sweet was coffee. The man liked it black, with the occasional dash of cream, if his favorite blend wasn’t around. But what had really convinced Clint that Coulson had such a massive sweet tooth had been the locked drawer in the man’s desk full of junk food from candy bars to Twinkies to Gummi Bears to sweets Clint knew couldn’t be found in the US.
So upon learning this little fact, Clint felt that it could hardly be held against him when he began to use it. He started eating a lot more candy than he’d used to; stuck a lollipop in his mouth when Coulson was around, nibbled on licorice whenever they traveled together on SHIELD missions or threw M&M’s up into the air and caught them in his mouth as he harassed Coulson in his office. Clint spent a lot of time buzzed on sugar but it was worth it for all the moments he caught Coulson staring at his lips.
Clint was fully willing to admit that he wasn’t exactly being subtle but he hardly expected another Avenger would confront him about it before he’d get Coulson to crack. Especially not when they were all together in a briefing with Coulson trying to get the Avengers caught on the latest threats to national security.
“Jesus, will you stop that,” Tony complained. Clint raised his eyebrows at him as he kept licked at the cherry sucker. Cherry was a classic it couldn‘t fail. “You‘re giving me thoughts I can‘t do anything about unless I want Pepper to kill me.”
Clint grinned at the mental image of a pissed off Pepper. It was only funny when she was mad at Tony less so when she got mad at the rest of them. “It’s not my fault was goes through your dirty mind, Stark.” He gave the sucker a particularly dirty swirl of tongue.
Steve’s cheeks pinked even as he rolled his eyes up. Clint felt a pang of pride at that reaction. Usually it was Tony who earned the eye rolls from Captain America. It made Clint feel downright patriotic. Thor looked confused for a second before he beamed in delight. Natasha didn’t look up from sharpening her knifes and Bruce was buried nose first into a set of papers covered in chemical formulas.
Coulson cleared his throat and dragged his eyes from Clint’s mouth. “If everyone could focus on the information at hand.”
“We know it already, Coulson. Hydra is being a pain: yada, yada. And threatening to attack, yada yada,” Tony tilted back on his swivel seat and propped his feet onto the conference table, earning him identical irritated looks from Coulson and Steve. “It‘s the same thing every other week and when it‘s not Hydra, it’s A.I.M. or some other two-bit group. I’m more interested in Hawkeye’s new diet.”
Clint made sure the noise the sucker as he popped it out of his mouth was obscenely wet and loud. “I’m not on a diet.”
Natasha looked up long enough to give him an amused look and the barest flicker of a glance at Coulson before looking back at him. Clint silently cursed the fact they’ve known each other so long. She was fully aware of his attraction for Coulson and how it grew worse the longer he knew the man. The scary thing was that he didn’t even need to tell her. She just knew.
“You have been eating more candy than usual,” Steve said.
“That‘s what I‘m talking about!” Tony crowed.
“Congratulations!” Thor boomed, thoroughly confusing everyone. Then he took his own life in his hands when he reached over Natasha to clasp Clint on the shoulder, hard enough that Clint knew he’d be finding Thor-shaped paw prints bruises the next day. He suppressed his wince. “My brother too craved sweet foods when pregnant.”
The only reason that Clint didn’t choke on his sucker was that he was still holding it in his hand instead of his mouth. Not that it stopped him from choking on air at Thor’s words.
“Thor, human males can‘t get pregnant,” Coulson said briskly into the silence.
“I don‘t understand,” Thor said, giving Clint a confused look. “What other explanation is there for such a drastic change in eating habits?”
Tony damn near killed himself laughing. Clint was tempted to finish off him off as Tony giggled weakly against Steve’s shoulder. Even the corners of Natasha’s mouth kept curving up which for her was the equivalent of full out belly laughter. But what honestly worried Clint was the thoughtful expression on Bruce’s face as he questioned Thor over how Loki was able to get pregnant and whether it was something all Asgardian men could do. He looked entirely too contemplative, as if he was figuring out how to make it work. Clint tuned out Thor’s answer in the desperate attempt to save his sanity because there are things he didn’t need to know, ever.
“If you were pregnant you‘d tell us, Clint, right?” Tony smirked.
“You‘re more likely to be the one to end up pregnant considering all the notches on your belt,” Clint said dryly. “Hell, I bet Pepper could knock you up.”
Natasha’s smirk was like a visual high-five but it was the faint smile on Coulson’s face as Tony sulked that really made Clint feel smug.
“Enough,” Steve said firmly. “Agent Coulson, if you could send the files to our… computers. I‘ll make sure we all review them.”
“Very well, Captain,” Coulson nodded. Steve dismissed them all.
Clint followed after the agent as the other Avengers went off to their own devices. As always he stayed just far back enough so he could admire the fit of Coulson’s suit.
“Barton, is there a reason you‘re following me?” Coulson asked lightly.
Clint moved the sucker around in his mouth until it clicked against his teeth. “Nope.”
Coulson kept walking until they both ended up in the elevator that would take them to the level that held Coulson’s office. It wasn’t until they ended up at the door that Coulson turned around to face him.
“Barton,” he said warningly.
Clint popped out the stick and showed him the tiny nub of bright red sugar that was left. He gave Coulson a mournful look. “I need a replacement.”
Coulson’s eyes narrowed but he opened up the door long enough for Clint to slide in after him. He made a beeline for the desk drawer with the stash of sweets and pulled out a lollipop. “Ooh, pineapple.”
Clint felt the warmth of Coulson body behind him just before the man plucked the candy out of his mouth. Clint let it go with a wet pop.
“I was saving that. It‘s not a flavor easy to find in New York unless you order it special,” Coulson scolded, before he put the candy into his own mouth.
Clint’s eyes widened.
Coulson just raised his eyebrows at his reaction. “I‘ve had your blood all over me. A little saliva isn‘t going to kill me.”
Clint decided to take that as a line. A line he was more than willing to ruthlessly exploit. He leaned closer to Coulson and when the man didn‘t break him limbs, Clint pressed him against his desk. Coulson’s eyes narrowed but he didn’t make any move to stop him either.
Clint looked at him carefully. “I’ve wanted to do this for a while,” he admitted before moving the paper stick in Coulson’s mouth to the side so he wouldn’t skewer himself as he leaned in to kiss him. Coulson stiffened and then relaxed so quickly that if Clint had been plastering himself to him he wouldn’t have noticed.
Coulson grunted as Clint pushed him further back against the desk. An insistent press of Clint’s tongue earned him an open mouth. For several minutes only wet sounds filled the office with the occasional click of hard candy on tooth enamel. When Clint pulled back he had the lollipop was back in his mouth. He took a moment to admire the redness of Coulson’s mouth, wetness of his lips and the harshness of his breathing.
“Mmm… pineapple.” It was now Clint’s new favorite flavor. Cherry could go hang.
“Huh,” Coulson said. Revelation brought a light to his eyes. “So there is a reason for your new sugar addiction.”
“Just trying to make myself a little sweeter for you.”
Coulson groaned in protest at the corniness at least until Clint was able to kiss him and make him groan for another reason altogether.