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Wait Wait Don't Eat Me

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CARL: From NPR and Chicago Public Radio, this is Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, the NPR news quiz. I'm Carl Kasell, and here's your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago: Peter Sagal!

PETER: Thanks, Carl! Hello, everyone! We're going to be cutting our show a little short today, because, as you may have heard, there's an apocalypse happening! But we didn't let the election of Barack Obama stop us, and we're not going to let the zombie hordes stop us either. After the show today, myself, Carl, and the panelists will be taking our families to the secret underground NPR bunker, and no, you can't come. I bet you wish you'd donated more during that last pledge drive!

PAULA: Sure, rub it in.

MO: The mug with the NPR logo was just too appealing.

PETER: To play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Our first and only listener-contestant is on the line. What's your name?

ZOMBIE: Brains?

PETER: Actually, according to my card here, your name is Steve Ryerson, from right here in Chicago! Steve is, or I should say was, an investment banker, and we all know they were the first to be targeted and converted into mindless zombies.

TOM: You mean they weren't before?

MO: It explains a lot about the financial collapse.

PETER: Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, a contributor to CBS Sunday Morning, Mo Rocca!

MO: Hi, Steve.

STEVE: Brains.

PETER: A humorist and author of the new audio book "It's Just Like I Told You: Twenty-Five Years of Comment and Comic Pieces," Tom Bodett!

TOM: Hi there, Steve.

STEVE: Brains.

PETER: And finally, a comedienne whose CD "I Heart Jokes" is available at paulapoundstone.com, at least until the internet fails us, Paula Poundstone!

PAULA: Brains?

STEVE: Brains.

PAULA: I thought you might say that, Steve.

PETER: Steve, you're going to start us off with "Who's Carl This Time?" Carl will recreate for you three voices from the week's news. Your job is to identify them. If you get two out of three right, you win our prize, Carl's voice on your answering machine. Of course, since civilization is disintegrating around us, we'll probably be relying on smoke signals for the next generation or two. Here's your first quote.

CARL: "I am tired of these m-f'ing zombies in my m-f'ing White House!"

PETER: That was a slightly edited version of a quote from which world leader, in response to the zombie threat?

STEVE: Brains?

PETER: No, I'm sorry, it was Vice-President Joe Biden, who went, and we quote the vice-president again, "all Samuel L. Jackson on their asses." President Obama, meanwhile, defended the West Wing with a functioning lightsaber that the Pentagon had apparently built for him in secret.

PAULA: Jeez, I wish I'd been able to buy a few of those for my kids.

PETER: You think the Pentagon would have released them to toy stores?

PAULA: They should have! Can you imagine how many people would have bought them? They probably could have erased the national debt.

TOM: Too bad we don't have a national currency any more.

PETER: I think it's fair to say that fear is now our national currency.

MO: Or Snickers bars. Those are really rare now.

PETER: Here's your next quote.

CARL: "Zombies of unusual size? I don't believe they exist. Holy s-, what the f- is that?"

PETER: Again, edited for content, that was someone parodying the public's response to the zombie outbreak on the satirical news program "The Daily Show." Who was that?

STEVE: Brains?

PETER: Jon Stewart.

PAULA: Good try, Steve! One of these days, the answer will be "brains."

PETER: Stewart, along with his cohort Stephen Colbert, is holed up in the Comedy Central studios, keeping zombies away through the sheer power of sarcasm and biting wit. Last chance, Steve.

CARL: "I warned America that this would happen if the Democrats' health care reform passed. Death panels, zombies -- it's all a slippery slope that leads to socialism and communism and bad stuff, dontcha know."

PETER: That was the last Facebook update by what politician, who turns out to be a lot less annoying once zombified?

STEVE: Brai--

PETER: Sarah Palin.

MO: She still smiles just as much as a zombie. I think it's kind of creepy.

TOM: A lot of politicians, you can't tell the difference. Look at Dick Cheney.

PAULA: Well, he didn't have a soul to begin with.

MUSICAL INTERLUDE: Jonathan Coulton's "Re: Your Brains"

PETER: Steve, we feel bad for you, and the zombie hordes are beginning to break down the doors, so we're going to give you a bonus question. If you get this, you win the game. This is our Listener Limerick Challenge, where you have to fill in the last word or phrase to complete the rhyme.

CARL: This problem is causing us pain // Though zombies we try to restrain // They're swarming in hordes // And knocking down doors // They just want to eat all our…

STEVE: Uh…

PAULA: Come on, Steve!

MO: You can do it!

STEVE: …

PETER: Rhymes with pain and restrain? Maybe with an "S" on the end?

STEVE: Brains?

PETER: Yes! Brains! You've won our prize, Carl Kasell's voice on your home answering machine.

STEVE: Brains!

PETER: You said it, Steve. Thanks for calling. Support for this show is now a moot point. Look for us in the new underground cave system, where we will be mocking whatever new system of government is set up. We look forward to the inevitable day when Silvio Berlusconi tries to trade half of Italy's food supply for a dog-eared copy of the April 2006 issue of Playboy magazine.

MO: He can have my back issues of National Geographic for some canned soup.

PETER: Thanks to our panelists, and thanks to you for listening. And to the zombies, thank you for having the good taste not to eat us while we were doing the show. This is NPR, National Public Radio.