John and Jade
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --
EB: um, jade? can i ask you a weird question?
GG: sure john!
GG: ill pop over to LOWAS so we can talk in person :)
EB: don't do that. stay on the ship. pesterchum is fine.
EB: more than fine.
GG: okay, but.........
GG: how embarrassing is this question going to be?
EB: um, so, have you noticed anything funny about your blood lately?
GG: well its green if thats what you mean
GG: but thats just a sprite thing i think
GG: like daves blood is neon yellow orange
GG: i wish i knew why its taking so long for him to heal :(
GG: i dont think its any weirder than the rest of this game
EB: maybe not!
EB: but you see, the sprite thing explains you. it does not explain me.
GG: john are you implying your blood is blue now????
EB: kind of? and, um, other things...
EB: by which i mean other fluids...
EB: are also blue.
EB: which i found out this morning in the shower.
EB: and that's really all there is to say on that subject.
GG: okay i REALLY did not need to know that
EB: neither did i. D:
GG: lets not talk about this again
EB: talk about what?
-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --
TG: just so you know harley i hacked your account a while back and guess what turned up in my inbox a minute ago
GG: bad sprite, worst friend!! DDDX
TG: hey chill its not like spanking the spam porpoise in the shower is a strange and unusual habit
TG: i wouldnt get all up in his grill about that
TG: like i even care
TG: i just want to see if egbert cries baby blue tears to match his crystal blue eyes and all that shit
GG: im staying out of this
TG: probably wise
TG: catch you on the flipside harley
TG: ive got a derp in a windsock to stalk
GG: but if you hack my computer again, i will end you
TG: no you wont
TG: you know you love me too much
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --
GG: i wonder what else might be green?
Rose and Dave
You look up as your ecto-brother transportalizes into the library that you and Kanaya have claimed as your personal territory. The expression on his face tells you all you need to know.
"The preemptive answer to your question is yes," you say, putting a bookmark into the tome you've started to use as a chronicle of the human and troll attempts at playing Skaia's game. "Lavender blood, lavender tears, lavender reproductive fluids."
Dave frowns, an almost imperceptible tightening of his forehead and eyebrows. "Blood and tears too?" he asks.
You stifle the urge to facepalm. Of course he wouldn't have noticed those changes: his blood was already red, and according to him he never cries. (Terezi disputes this, but since Dave's convoluted attempt at an explanation of the incident in question involves nakkodiles throwing raw onions in his face, you're inclined to believe him this once.) Which suggests that he had a wet dream, that he recently masturbated, or that he and a troll have been engaging in interspecies sexual exploration. You decide not to inquire about the specifics.
(You doubt he'll inquire about your case either, which is just as well. In retrospect, spending ten minutes staring at lavender stains in your underpants before it occurred to you that you needed a pad and tampon rather than a manual on alien diseases was somewhat embarrassing.)
"Blood and tears as well," you confirm. "Trolls gain wings upon ascending to God Tier; humans apparently gain varicolored bodily fluids. Kanaya's explanation of the first phenomenon was that the idealized troll body form includes wings, but given our example as a second data point, I'm more inclined to the theory that the species whose game session created their universe was winged."
"Welp," Dave says. "Could be worse I guess. Imagine if we'd ended up with horns and fangs, or insect legs and a reproductive system that involves the words 'incestuous genetic slurry,' or those ass-backward romance quadrant things. Shit would be flying off the handle so hard not even troll fairy wings could fly fast enough to catch it."
You make a noncommittal noise. It is the response most likely to induce Dave to cut to the chase rather than indulge in an elaborate and nonsensical flight of verbal fancy.
"Wonder what biology mix-n-match we would've bequeathed to our hypothetical mortal creations if our session hadn't been borked from the start," Dave says.
You shrug. "Hair, perhaps? Opposable thumbs? It's impossible to say without knowing what their hypothetical biology would have been before acquiring a human overlay."
"Wizard beards," Dave guesses. "Buck teeth. Narcolepsy."
"An inability to correctly apply the concept of irony," you say.
Dave smirks. You smirk back. The moment of camaraderie lasts approximately two seconds. (Dave could tell you the exact length.)
"Anyway, thanks for the protips on our brand spanking new sparkly rainbow blood," Dave says. "I think I'll head out and see if I can find any other alien add-ons."
"I found the tentacles the most intriguing," you say with a perfectly straight face as Dave is about to step up onto the transportalizer. You wonder what might happen if he tripped and not all his body parts were on the platform when it activated. Does the mechanism have safety protocols? If he lost a foot, would it regenerate automatically, or would he have to die to trigger a reset to perfect health? (Do death and revival even cure things like amputations?)
"Save the kink for your wizard slash, Lalonde," Dave says without missing a step. He graces you with an ironic bow as the transportalizer whisks him away.
You look down at your chronicle, sigh, and decide to see if Kanaya is interested in a discussion of the troll hemospectrum and the deeper ramifications it has on their biology. After that, you may continue teaching her to knit.
More intimate topics are probably best left until another day.
She raises her eyebrows and grins at you until her face looks like it's made of nothing but teeth and shades and evil glee.
"More candy red is never a bad thing, Dave!" she says.
"How did I know you'd say that?" you ask.
"Because you are learning the deep truths of the universe through observation of my actions," Terezi informs you, still grinning. "Now help me set up this courtroom. Can Town needs a functioning legal system, and I am here to provide!"
You hand her a box of chalk and head off to find more cans from one of the nearby storage closets. You make sure to prick yourself on a broken knife as you pick the lock on the door, and let Terezi lick your finger when you get back. You're kind of getting to like her tongue.
(Later on she licks other things too. You're still weirded out by seeing your dick spurt blood-red jizz, but apparently there are compensations for being just a little bit alien.)
"How fascinating," she says when she first drinks from you. "I believe your blood color would have placed you between Eridan and Feferi, yet you lack gills, fins, and the other signs of a seadweller."
"I doubt that whatever effect Dave and I have acquired works on the same principles as your own biological pigments," you say as you hold out your arm for her to clean and bandage. "For one thing, human blood pigmentation is directly related to its respiratory functions: hemoglobin's bright red color comes from the oxygen molecules it binds and carries. I suspect our bodies have simply started producing some kind of dye molecules as well, which saturate our blood plasma and mask the hemoglobin, as well as surfacing in other bodily fluids."
"If that's true, you and Dave should taste similar despite your respective colors," Kanaya muses. "A spirit of scientific investigation says we should test this theory. However, I find myself uninspired to drink from him. I apologize for any insult to your human family unit."
You smile and lean in to kiss her, licking a smear of your own blood off her fangs. "None taken."
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION.
CCG: OKAY ASSHOLES
CCG: WHOSE BRILLIANT IDEA WAS IT TO NOT TELL ME THE HEMOSPECTRUM SUDDENLY APPLIES TO HUMANS?
CCG: DID YOU ALL GET TOGETHER IN ONE OF YOUR QUAINT LITTLE ASSHOLE CLIQUES AND DECIDE THAT THIS WASN'T IMPORTANT?
CCG: IN THAT CASE, I HAVE TWO WORDS:
CCG: DID IT NOT OCCUR TO YOU, IN WHAT PASSES FOR FUNCTIONING THINKPANS IN YOUR TINY, MALFORMED HEADS, THAT I AM TRYING TO KEEP A TROLL WITH A PROVEN INTEREST IN PAINTING FREAKY MURALS OUT OF BLOOD FROM KILLING YOU ALL IN YOUR SLEEP?
CCG: FURTHERMORE, AS I AM GIVEN TO UNDERSTAND THAT NORMAL BLOOD COLOR VARIATIONS ARE NOT A "THING" AMONG HUMANS,
CCG: SHOULDN'T SOME OF YOU TAKE YOUR HEADS OUT OF THE WARM CONFINES OF YOUR NOOKS AND THINK OF A PLAN TO EXPLAIN YOUR NEW MUTATIONS TO THE PLAYERS IN THE SCRATCHED SESSION?
CCG: BUT NO, APPARENTLY THAT'S TOO COMPLICATED FOR YOU IDIOTS WITH YOUR WILLFUL SUBMERSION IN DENIAL AND IGNORANCE.
CCG: YOU'D RATHER SPEND YOUR DAYS REENACTING THE ROMANCE MOVIES YOU CLAIM TO DISDAIN
CCG: WITHOUT EVEN BOTHERING TO ASK THE OPINIONS OF THE PERSON WHO HAS ACTIVELY STUDIED THE SUBJECT AND CAN THEREFORE GIVE ADVICE ON HOW TO AVOID LOOKING LIKE THE REEKING WASTES OF SENTIENCE YOU ARE.
CCG: I REPEAT: FUCK YOU.
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTG: mark this day down on the calendar for fireworks and parades and all that shit because a miraculous once in a lifetime event is about to occur
CTG: sorry vantas
CTG: looks like we all thought someone else had already told you
CTG: so nobody told you
CTG: now quit freaking out like a spastic monkey flinging shit into his own bowl of monkey food and get your ass and your nubby horns back here
CTG: pyropes starting to talk about disrespecting an officer of the law
CTG: come take your punishment like a man
CCG: NO. AND ALSO FUCK YOU.
CCG banned CTG from responding to memo.
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGC: F1N3, B3 A WH1NY L1TTL3 GRUB
CGC: D4V3 4ND 1 W1LL H4V3 MOR3 TH4N 3NOUGH FUN W1THOUT YOU
CGC: 1 WOND3R 1F TH3 CH4NG3S M34N HUM4N G3N3T1C M4T3R14L 1S NOW 4BL3 TO M1X W1TH OURS 1N 4 F1L14L P41L?
CGC: 1 TH1NK 1 W1LL TRY TO F1ND OUT!
CGC: > :]
CGC: > :]
CCG: I CANNOT BELIEVE THE DEPTHS OF PERVERSITY TO WHICH YOU'RE WILLINGLY LETTING HIM DRAG YOU.
CCG: YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING.
CCG: DO YOU HEAR ME, TEREZI?
CGC: COM3 4ND STOP M3!
CGC: OR COM3 JO1N 1N, 1F YOUR3 NOT TOO SC4R3D
CCG: FUCK YOU.
CCG: GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES.
CCG banned CGC from responding to memo.
CCG banned himself from responding to memo.
"Hey, best friend, I was all up and reading your memo the other day--"
"No, you can't use them for paint. Not under any circumstances. Absolutely not. I forbid it."
"Okay, fine, you can ask. But if they say no, drop it."
Gamzee's enthusiastic hug doesn't do much to mitigate your conviction this is all going to end in tears, but what the hell, the humans are all God Tier and you're pretty sure getting killed for a circus cultist's art project doesn't count as just or heroic, so whatever. They can handle their own problems for once.
"Kanaya's blood kinda glows now that she's all being a rainbow drinker and shit," Gamzee muses. "Humans go out in daylight too, yeah? I wonder if they sparkle..."
You shoosh him before the conversation gets any weirder.
(A year later, when Gamzee strolls up to the four humans' screamingly pointless "friendship" reunion with a handful of paintbrushes, their expressions are beyond priceless.)