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Fruity Rumpus Asshole Factory, Concupiscent Frustration Edition

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CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION.

CCG: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M GOING TO BE PUTTING THIS OUT THERE IN THE OPEN, WHERE ANY ASSHOLE ME FROM THE FUTURE CAN JUST WALTZ IN AND MOCK ME THOROUGHLY AND INTIMATELY.
CCG: I JUST CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE. I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS WITH SOMEBODY.
CCG: IS BEING SIX AND A HALF LIKE THIS FOR EVERYONE?
CCG: I CAN BARELY STAND ANYONE ON THIS METEOR AND YET THE LONGER I HAVE TO SPEND WITH THEM THE MORE...UGH. ATTRACTIVE, THEY ALL START SEEMING.
CCG: I HATE MYSELF FOR SAYING THAT. SEEING THAT PHRASE IN MY OWN FUCKING PERSONAL TEXT IS MAKING MY STOMACH WANT TO CRAWL UP MY OWN PROTEIN CHUTE.
CCG: PLEASE EXCUSE ME, I'M GOING TO GO BLAST OFF IN ORDER TO INCINERATE MYSELF IN THE GREEN SUN, POWERED FULLY BY THE FORCE OF MY OWN PROJECTILE VOMITING.

FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 3172:36 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.

FCG: OH SHIT, YES. *THIS* CONVERSATION. HAHAHA WOW.
CCG: OH MY GOD, FUCK YOU.
FCG: YOU SAY THAT NOW, BUT HISTORY WILL BEG TO DIFFER.
FCG: ...OR MAYBE NOT. d:B
CCG: SHUT UP. SHUT UP. I JUST NEED TO TALK THIS OUT. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING FROM YOU EXCEPT A SERIES OF WELL-PLACED “YEAH”S AND “I CAN SEE THAT”S AND “I’M SO SORRY, YOUR DISCOMFORT MUST BE TERRIBLE”S.
CCG: I’M SURE THERE ARE A BILLION AND ONE REASONS THIS CONVERSATION IS GOING TO BE *THE MOST HILARIOUS THING EVER* LATER ON
CCG: BUT THAT DOESN’T MAKE YOUR FLIPPANT, SELF-INDULGENT SMUGNESS ANY LESS ANNOYING AS ALL FUCK.
FCG: I’M SO SORRY, YOUR DISCOMFORT MUST BE TERRIBLE.

CCG banned FCG from responding to memo.

CCG unbanned FCG from responding to memo.

CCG: I’M SORRY, LOOK, I’M JUST FEELING REALLY TOUCHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS.
FCG: JUST SAY WHAT YOU CAME HERE TO SAY AND LET’S GET ON WITH IT ALREADY.
CCG: RUDE.
CCG: WELL. IT’S JUST THAT I’M FEELING LESS THAN OPTIMISTIC ABOUT MY CHANCES FOR MATESPRITSHIP OR KISMESSITUDE.
CCG: I MEAN, FOR A LONG TIME I THOUGHT TEREZI WAS FLUSHED FOR ME.
CCG: BUT IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE SHE’S BEEN “UP IN MY GRILL,” TO QUOTE STRIDER ON THE SUBJECT.
CCG: UGH AND STRIDER. I THOUGHT I HAD CALIGINOUS LEANINGS TOWARD HIM FOR A WHILE THERE, BUT WE BOTH KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I MAKE ROMANTIC OVERTURES TOWARD HUMAN MALES SO WHY SHOULD I EVEN BOTHER?
CCG: IT DOESN’T SEEM TO BE A PROBLEM FOR HUMAN FEMALES, HOWEVER, SINCE ROSE AND KANAYA ARE DEFINITELY UP IN EACH OTHERS’ GRILLS AS MUCH AS ONE CAN POSSIBLY BE UP INSIDE A GRILL, I THINK.
CCG: AND SINCE HUMANS ONLY HAVE ONE QUADRANT I THINK THAT MEANS ROSE AND KANAYA BOTH ARE OFF LIMITS?
CCG: NOT THAT I REALLY...IT’S STUPID BUT I GUESS I HAD THIS IDEA THAT KANAYA AND I WERE SORT OF DESTINED TO BE ASHEN FOR EACH OTHER, BUT NOW I’M NOT SO SURE THAT’LL EVER HAPPEN.
CCG: THE ONLY ONE LEFT, THEN, IS MY MOIRAIL, WHO I’M SO PALE FOR IN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND ROMANTIC WAY IMAGINABLE SO OF COURSE THE IDEA OF PAILING HIM IS COMPLETELY INCONCEIVABLE AND A LITTLE NAUSEATING.
CCG: I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO TALK ABOUT EVERYONE WE SEE IN THE DREAM BUBBLES.
CCG: THAT IS A LEVEL OF CREEPY I AM UNWILLING TO EVEN BEGIN TO CONSIDER.
FCG: I HEAR YOU.
CCG: I’M JUST FEELING PRETTY FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW, IS ALL.
FCG: FROM WHERE I’M SITTING, THAT IS A FEELING THAT HAS NOT EXACTLY BEEN RESOLVED.
FCG: SORRY FOR THE CASUAL SPOILERS.
CCG: FFFUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK
FCG: NOT RESOLVED, AT LEAST, AS FAR AS THE *OTHERS* ARE CONCERNED.
CCG: WHAT?
CCG: WHAT ARE YOU...NO.
CCG: NO. OH NO.
CCG: YOU HAVE *GOT* TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.
CCG: PLEASE TELL ME THAT I DON’T ACTUALLY BECOME SO PATHETIC THAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO INITIATE SOME SORT OF DEPRAVED DOUBLE REACHAROUND SELF-FELLATING SESSION WHERE I MANIPULATE MY OWN GENITALIA TO THE SIGHT OF MY OWN DISGUSTING CHERRY-RED TEXT?
CCG: PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS ALL SOME KIND OF A JOKE.
CCG: HAHA, YOU GOT ME, IT’S ALL VERY FUNNY, LET’S LAUGH AT IDIOTIC, GULLIBLE PAST KARKAT, IT’S HILARIOUS HOW EASILY HE’LL FALL FOR THIS SHIT.
FCG: I’M NOT JOKING.
FCG: I KNOW YOU BETTER THAN ANYONE, SO I HAVE INDISPUTABLE KNOWLEDGE OF THE FACT THAT YOU’VE HAD FEELINGS FOR ME THAT COULD VERY EASILY BE DESCRIBED AS BLACK.
FCG: I KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE. I KNOW HOW YOU LIKE IT.
FCG: I KNOW WHAT WILL MAKE YOU COME SO HARD YOU’LL HATE YOURSELF AFTERWARDS.
FCG: I ALSO KNOW HOW THIS ENDS, SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET USED TO THE IDEA OF SPENDING SOME QUALITY TIME DIRTY-TALKING TO YOURSELF.
FCG: BECAUSE THIS IS A THING THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
FCG: IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN A LOT.
CCG: OH
CCG: MY
CCG: GOD.

CCG banned FCG from responding to memo.