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Handjob Susan

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Everyone was relieved when the doctor said he was fine and sent him home. There was a brief lecture on appropriate strip club behavior and how The Hyuuga Heir Does Not Pole Dance No Matter How Many Shots of Tequila He Has Had. There was a longer lecture beforehand, while they were in the ER waiting room, to the effect of Oh Yes You Are Your Brother's Keeper And You Are In More Trouble Than He Is. So far as Mr and Mrs Hyuuga were concerned, though, that was the end of the incident.

They weren't the ones who woke up at 3 am to find Hiashi in a fedora and a slinky black dress, fumbling to light a cigarette in a long holder.


"Ah, ah, ah," Hiashi interrupted him. He finally got the cigarette to light, and the match illuminated his face, heavily made-up, with a beauty spot next to his lip. "It's Handjob Susan now."

The match died down, leaving Hizashi squinting unhappily at the glowing cigarette. It was going to be One of Those Nights. "Is it, now?"

"Yes. And you are going to be my sidekick. Ophelia Cox!"

"No. I'm going back to sleep. Wake me up when you're sober," Hizashi groaned, flopping back into bed. A moment later, he heard the window being pried open. "What are you doing?"

"Handjob Susan has a case to crack," Hiashi explained as he crawled out the window. "It's my job. I'm a private eye."

"What, no you're not!" Hizashi sat up in time to see his brother jump out the window. "Hey! Get back here!"

"It was a tough case, but they don't call me best in the business for nothing. I decided to start with an old pal," Hiashi narrated as Hizashi yelled after him from the window.

"Hey! You can't leave! The only reason our parents didn't beat me within an inch of my life for your stripper stunt was because we were in public!"

"We hadn't been chummy recently, but I knew that if anyone could give me the info I needed, it would be Uzumaki."

"I cannot believe how much the universe hates me," Hizashi mumbled to himself as he climbed out the window.

3:30 am found them in a back alley, Hiashi blowing smoke rings and Hizashi shivering in his ducky pjs and wishing he'd brought a bathrobe or at least some slippers..

"Uzumaki and I hadn't spoken for a few years," Hiashi said as they stared up at a rusty fire escape to the apartment above them. "It's a long story, involves a broad, name of Mikoto. She was a beauty, long legs, the works. We both fell for her like she was the East Bridge and our hearts were mobster informants. Things got ugly. They always do when you bring in a dame. Long story short, Mikoto married some rich boy Uchiha, and Kushina and I have been on less-than-friendly terms ever since."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Hizashi asked. "You and Kushina have never been friends."

Hiashi started stacking trashcans, climbing on them so he could grab onto the first rung of the fire escape. "My sidekick, Ophelia, is a sweet dame. They don't stay like that long in this city. Sometimes I wonder how a nice girl like her got mixed up in an ugly business like this, but she ain't telling. We all have secrets, I guess."

"I didn't ask to be your fucking twin!" Hizashi growled, clambering onto the fire escape, wondering how Hiashi had managed it so gracefully in red stilettos. "Where are you going?"

Hiashi was to the third story window, which was open to catch a little of the late fall breeze, and he was bracing himself to climb in. Hizashi winced.

"Wait! Stay out here!"

"What the hell are you doing?" a man yelled from inside the apartment.

"I should introduce myself. I'm Handjob Susan. Private eye. I was looking for Uzumaki. Didn't realize she'd have company. It made sense, though. Kushina always did have the knack. She only slept alone when she wanted to. Some dames are just lucky, I guess."

Hizashi renewed his climbing efforts, trying to ignore the rusty ladder rungs digging into his feet. Tetanus was just another price one paid for splitting off as a zygote and trying to be one's own person.

The man in the apartment didn't sound too upset. "Well, Kushina's out right now... Why do they call you Handjob Susan?"

"No, no no no no no," Hizashi yelled at the window. "Do not solicit my brother for sexual favors, he has a concussion!"

"That. Was the most humiliating thing you have ever done," Hizashi muttered as they emerged from Kushina's apartment.

"I have to hand it to Uzumaki, she can pick ‘em. Namikaze was the right length for a good time. Personally, I prefer them a little thicker, so I can get my hand around them, but to each her own."

"Please stop talking," Hizashi winced.

"He's got some range on him, too. If I wasn't so impressed, I'd feel a little bad about Ophelia picking the wrong time and place to walk in on us."

"I hate you," Hizashi muttered. "Forever."

"But, Ophelia had cleaned up and we were off to our next lead. Namikaze's evidence all pointed to one man."

"What evidence? You gave him a handjob! That's not evidence!"

"Orochimaru. We were in over our heads on this one, but it was too late to go back."

"You have got to be kidding me," Hizashi grabbed his brother's satiny dress and tried to pull him back towards their house. "Come on, adventure's over, Handjob Susan. Case solved."

"Ophelia was nervous," Hiashi said, adroitly removing his dress from Hizashi's grasp and continuing on his way. "Who could blame her? I always suspected she still has her V-card."


This time, Hizashi grabbed his arm to drag him back, and "Handjob Susan" grabbed him right back, smirking. "She doesn't need to worry. If anyone's going to deflower my Ophelia, it's gonna be me."

"That's enough sexual harassment for one night," Hizashi sighed, pushing Hiashi away. "Come on, it's 4 in the morning, I want to be in bed before dawn and forget this ever happened."

"I heard sexual harassment, I'm in," someone stepped out of a shadowed doorframe, and Hiashi turned to him, shifting his fedora and once again shaking off his brother.

"Orochimaru. Long time no see."

"Do I know you?"

"Don't play dumb. I know you're behind this."

Orochimaru blinked, then shrugged. "Yeah, whatever it is, I'm probably behind it."

"This cannot be happening to me," Hizashi muttered, closing his eyes in the hopes that he would wake up back in his regularly scheduled life.

"Tell me about the goods," "Handjob Susan" demanded.

"I was promised sexual harassment," Orochimaru objected with a pout. "Let's see some groping before I talk."

"Well, Ophelia?" Hiashi smirked at Hizashi in a way that made Hizashi entirely uncomfortable. "Want to know why they call me Handjob Susan?"

"Nobody calls you that!" Hizashi yelled. "Get away from me. I *will* hurt you, concussion and all!"

Orochimaru laughed, and Hizashi rounded on him, "You too! Just ‘cause you're a jounin doesn't mean I won't beat the ever loving crap out of you!"

"Ophelia had her own ideas on how this case should go, it seemed," Hiashi narrated.

"Oh you are damn right she does!" Hizashi announced, trying to look as fierce as possible in his ducky pjs.

Hiashi came to as Hizashi was dragging him through the bedroom door. "You're a good sidekick, Ophelia," he murmured, wrapping his arms a little tighter around Hizashi's shoulders but making no move to stop being such dead weight.

"I'm the best goddamn brother in the world. If I was the older one, I would have just let you wander off and they would have found your body by the side of the road and nobody would have cared."

"Glad you're ickle so you love me."

"I didn't follow you around through your sexual misadventures all night because I love you."

"But you do love me?" Hiashi asked, sounding upset.

"Yes, Hiashi, I love you. I don't know why," Hizashi lurched over to the bed and dumped his brother, black dress and all, onto it. "But I do."

"Well, that's good then," Hiashi mumbled, then promptly passed out again. Hizashi wasn't entirely sure he should just leave him there, given that the doctor had apparently been very wrong indeed about ‘everything being fine', but it was almost dawn.

And he looked so peaceful with his fedora hanging over one eye.